Best choice for next USG president could be a 'queen' Sometimes the burden of celebrity is unbearable. Don’t get me wrong; I love being universally acknowledged as a nur turing, aphorism-rich goddess. Believe me, I truly kvel over pre senting my credit card to pay for some fabulous purchase or other and having the cashier respond, “You’re the Sylvie Golden-Shapiro, fountainhead of wisdom and irrev erent aunt to the illustrious social satirist Rand Hubiak? Have a com plimentary Chanel sampler!” But every now and then I get the feeling that perhaps my status is that of a mere footnote in my dar ling nephew’s column (well, maybe more of a dazzling cameo than a footnote, but you get the picture). At times I wonder if I exist in my precocious sheygets nephew’s life simply to establish Jewish authen ticity in his columns, so he can flout Yiddish catch-phrases. Not that I have qualms about lending credibility to my brilliant little angel on occasion. But you try validating a name-dropping little egomaniac like that on a full-time basis and see how long it is before you want more from life. And let’s i Cdtkn 1 Month ® s lis oij| io- Sleeted Antfcwup 'pvut fruxtK Sieatuxx to- Dr. Allida Black Author, Visiting Assistant Professor Wednesday, March 13 6:3opm Findlay Music Room East Halls a booksigning will accompany this event! sponsored by Housing and Residence Life THE DELI RESTAURANT HIESTER STREET 237 5710 EXAM PACKS NOW AVAILABLE HL ED 046.11,14 HRIM 301.1,2 INART 010.1 IT 130.1 ACCTG 211.1-12 AM ST 100.3 ART H 100.1-10 ART H 120.1 ASTRO 001.1,4 ASTRO 010.1,2 B LOG 305.1,2 BI SC 001.1 LARCH 060.1 LIR 101.1 MATSC 101.2 MGMT 100/301 MGMT 301.1 MKTG 221.1,2 MKTG 301.1,2 NURS 464.2 BI SC 002.1 BI SC 004.1 BIOL 029.1-8 BIOL 041.1 NUTR 100.1-3 NUTR 445 BIOL 220W.1-25 BIOL 341.1 PHYS 001.1-4 PHYS 201.1-27 PHYS 202.1-16 PHYS 215.1-12 PHYS 265.1-9 PL SC 001.1-12 PL SC 003.1 BIOL 422W.1 BIOL 4978 BMB 001.1 BMB 402.1 CHEM 034.1,2 CLASS 033.1 CMDIS 462.1 CMLIT 108.1-6 EARTH 002.2 ECON 002.4,5 ECON 333.1 PL SC 014.1-6 PSY 002.1,3 PSY 213.1 PSY 426.1 PSY 437.1 EDTHP 115.1-12 GEOG 020.1-12 GEOG 030.2-8 GEOSC 001.1-7 GEOSC 020L.1-4 HDFS 129 PSY 438.1 PSY 482.1 RPM 120 SOC 001.4,5 SOC 012.2 HDFS 229.1 SOC 023.1 SOC 055.1 HDFS 239.1 STAT 200.5-12 STAT 200.21-24 WMNST 003.1-6 HDFS 249 HDFS 432.1 HIST 002.3 HIST 021.1-5 Be on your way to an A! iMßjpl Personal) [ .. Checks JiMiM \V V //ot&s 234 E. College five. 2nd Floor Z3B-0623 face it: Rand is a flagrant name dropper. If it isn’t me, it’s his friends, or his roommates, or Nor wegian feminudists, or God help us all his cat. I mean, the boy drops names the way Ted Kennedy drops his pants. So, I thought, if I can come up with insightful witticisms for Rand’s columns every two weeks, couldn’t I also come up with an entire column of my own? (Sweet ies, is Barbra like buttah?) Unlike my nephew, however, who devotes too much space to mammary glands and a few eso teric tangents, I dedicate my pulpit to politics. I’ve noticed that your campus seems particularly apa thetic about its own political sys tem, so my mission is to mobilize your entire student body into active participants in the political process, beginning with the USG elections. First I needed to find a campaign to endorse. Initially, I considered a general campaign for Andrew Kreider for USG president, since he is apparently the only Penn State student who seems to give a damn about USG (three columns’ worth of material). And he’s so sexy in a clean-cut, nonthreatening way, like Chris O’Donnell; I could just nosh on that sheyner ponim all day long! Unfortunately, establishing a Kreider campaign would necessi tate his resignation at the Colle gian. That would leave me as your sole USG source which, although not a bad idea, might strike some as less than democratic. So I will let Andrew continue to do what he does best. Instead, I urge you all to elect a flaming queen for USG president this year. Not my nephew, though; he’s busy enough with his column, and do you really want Rand Hubiak drunk on power and screaming “popular mandate” like Nixon in bad drag? Oh, I’m sure you’re all wonder ing how efficiently a gay man would govern in this modem world. No doubt you all have qualms about the whole idea. You are predis posed to the notion that all queens are given to the excesses of Liber ace and J. Edgar Hoover, or that they are all short and bitchy like Truman Capote. Today’s queen is streamlined and aerodynamic. Picture Grace Jones with a penis (it really isn’t too far of a stretch). Your average Divine Miss Thang is functionally designed for today’s fast-paced world and still manages to look good in pumps. She has a good head on her shoulders. She has to, honey, if she wants to wear that Wonder Woman tiara with pride! She would preside over the USG meetings and other events to a remix of ABBA’S “Dancing Queen.” Because she loves to socialize, a USG Queen would take an active ATTENTION SENIORS: 75 DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION!! STUDENT BOOK STORE The Big Blue on the Comer is your GRADUATION HEADQUARTERS *Caps and Gowns - no order necessary! *Personalized Announcements - available 48 hrs after ordered! *Official SR. 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COLLEGE AVE» p nlp op 237*7616 o Dio DOWNTOWN THE PLACE TO RE SUMMER EDUCATION ABROAD 1996 C»H’I’N»A LANCUACE AND CULTURE JUNE 3-JULY 26, 1996 KANO LIU 865-0032 ENGLAND DRAMA IN BRITAIN JUNE 17-AUOUST 11, 1996 WILLIAM KELLY 865-1750 JUDD ARNOLD 865-4242 E»N’6‘L»A»N*D STUDIES IN BRITISH EDUCATION RUSSIA WESTERN ECONOMY IN TRANSITION LANCUACE STUDIES IN MAY 12-JUNE 2, 1996 VOLCOCRAD PHIL KLEIN 865-5781 JUNE 13-JULY 28, 1996 KAREN ROBBLEE 865-1352 E’N»G*L*A»N»D FRANCE UKRAINE LANCUACE STUDIES IN BESAN{ON LANCUACE STUDIES IN KIEV MAY 31-JUNE 29, 1996 MAY 21-JULY 5,1996 AAAY 31-IULY 27, 1996 MICHAEL NAYDAN 865-1352 RICHARD FRAUTSCHI 865-7233 I»R’E’L»A*N»D ADMINISTRATION OF JUSTICE JUNE 23-JULY 27, 1996 THOMAS BERNARD 863-0132 T*H*E NETHERLANDS EUROPEAN CRIMINAL JUSTICE JULY 7-AUGUST 10, 1996 ALAN BLOCK 863-2540 a continuing and distance education service of the Colleges of Arts and Architecture, Education, Health and Human Development, the Liberal Arts, and the Office of Education Abroad Programs Penn State is an affirmative action, equal opportunity university. Produced by Continuing and Distance Education, Marketing Communications.U. Ed.CED 96-632 URL" http '//WWW. C(J6. pSU. ©dlj/pSS6S/ role in local legislation and law enforcement. She would abolish the three-unrelated housing ordinance and establish a three-uninteresting personalities ordinance. Criminal punishment would encompass forc ing convicts to watch Michael Bolton videos at high volume, an all but fool-proof (or at least taste proof) criminal deterrent. Unlike traditional USG presi dents, a queen would be more than willing to work with such radical groups as the Madagascar Revolu tionary Council or PS-YAF. After all, a queen would have no prob lems recognizing a 15-inch penis or kibbitzing with a group of uptight brown-eyes. (By the way, if you don’t know what a brown-eye is, you can E-mail Rand’s adorable lit tle friend Judith Bradley at jtbl27@email.psu.edu, or just ask your proctologist.) Another tremendous benefit of electing a campus queen would be the flourishing of University holi days to '’ommemorate such histori cally momentous and festive occa sions as the invention of the falsie, Joan Crawford’s assault on the Pepsico board of trustees (an JUNE 26-JULY 16, 1996 MAX KING 863-2635 Th« Dally Colteglan Wednesday, March 13,19 M important one for the Penn State Coca Cola Underground Front!) and Judy Garland’s first Quaalude. Postal employees would only be exempt from delivering mail if they agreed to stop wearing those goofy white knee-high socks. I’m not saying that electing a gay man guarantees a Utopia, or even a nonstop dance party (that would make ’Thon obsolete, wouldn’t it?). But it should not be discounted as impossible. So I call upon you out there, Mr. Gay Man With Leadership Qualities, my Knight in Shimmering Lame, whoever and wherever you are. Now is the time to step boldly forth to offer the public your service and fashion savvy, and to shine in the political forum! And to the rest of you, I offer this bit of wisdom: keep the patriotic flame burning in your hearts and in her heels! (And don’t forget to check out my precious mamzer nephew’s column, which has moved to Thursday.) Guest columnist Sylvie Golden- Shapiro is the sage of Centerport, Long Island, and the “aunt” of Col legian columnist Rand Hubiak. I♦T♦A ♦ L • Y LANCUACE AND ARTS IN TODI JUNE 7-JULY 27, 1996 KRISTI WORMHOUDT 865-7681 MEXICO LANCUACE AND CULTURE IN PUEBLA MAY 17-JULY 3, 1996 JULIA HEWITT 863-2910 P ♦ U ♦E ♦R*T» O RICO HEALTH EDUCATION JUNE 11-JUNE 21, 1996 LARRY OLSEN 863-0435 I ♦s* R* A* E ♦ L MECIDDO EXPEDITION JUNE 9-JUNE 28, 1996 JUNE 30-JULY 20, 1996 JUNE 9-JULY 20, 1996 BARUCH HALPERN 863-0146 For information about registration, call Summer Abroad Programs at the Conferences and Institutes office, 883-5170. 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