ifo fun key! the daily collegian Affected by fowl “The Compleat Turkey,” by Sandra Boynton, Little, Brown, and Co., s:t.!)s, (!4 pages. By STUART AUSTIN Daily Collegian Staff Writer There seems to be a continuum of trivia (and a continuous flow of trivia books, incidentally) with one end representing almost worthwhile knowledge. Along with much of your undergraduate gains in knowledge, this category contains such gems as: “There are more turkeys in politics than any other profession,” “75 per cent of all licenced drivers are turkeys,” and “Turkeys account for at least half the population of Los Angeles.” Worthwhile? “The Compleat Turkey,” by Sandra Boynton, goes beyond these mere cocktail-party-conversation-worthy succinities to give the reader an in-depth look at just how much are'lives are affected by these fowl individuals. “There are turkeys in every walk of life. They are in your neighborhood, your school, ydur business, perhaps even in your home. It -is not a pleasant thought.” So what are we to do about this infiltration of Melegria'h morals into our society? “The Compleat Turkey” gives us s invaluable information, a coop-wise scoop, a battle plan worth giving thanks for. The book gives us five rules of identification of turkeys: “A turkey spends a great deal of time improving others, it takes its work very seriously, it considers itself exempt from any Lamin' how ta tawk Suthan-lack Thumbing “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” by Douglas Adams. Harmony Books, $6.95,215 pp. Bv STUART AUSTIN Daily Collegian Staff Writer The most important piece of in formation needed for trans-galactic hitchhiking is the phrase emblazoned on the cover (at least of the extraterrestrial edition) of "The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: ” DON‘T PANIC. The Earth edition, authored by one Douglas Adams, former “Monty Python" writer, radio producer and chicken shed cleaner, is a chapter in the life of one Ford:Prefect, correspondent for the galactic edition (revised). Prefect, who is travelling, across the galaxy by thumb, stops on Earth to update the “Guide” ’s.entry, planning.to stay for a few weeks, but getting stuck without a lift for 15 years. In the interim, he meets Arthur Dent, basically a charming fellow who moved out of London because it made him “nervous and irritable.” Poor Mr. Dent is about to have his house knocked down to make way for an expressway. Prefect steps in, not to stop Dent’s house from being demolished, but to pluck him from the planet moments before it is demolished by the Vogons, an intersteller construction crew who are building a pan-galactic expressway. So now Prefect is again on his way across the galaxy, accompanied by a confused Dent. To help Dent understand the Universe into which he has been unwittingly thrust, Prefect provides him with the “Guide.” The “Guide” contains almost everything one needs to know when traveling cross-galaxy on less than 30 Altarian dollars per day. It mentions alcohol: "The best drink in existance is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. . . the effect of drinking one is like having your art “More How to Speak Southern,” by Steve Mitchell, cartoons by-Scrawls, Bantani, By P.J. PLATZ Daily Collegian Staff Writer Didj’all eveh notice how funny them Suthan-lack folk tawk? Yew hain’t? Wahl, hit’s high tyhme yew did. An’ this heah’s the perfick book ta larn ya: “More How to Speak Southern,” by Steve'Mitchell, with some raht rib ticklin’ cartewns by some’un named Scrawls. All done up in a alphabit style (ta make, lookin’ the "wawrds up more easier), this heah lil’ gem uva book may come in handy nixt tyhme yew go down Saoth fer the winner er whateveh. Dezaynd as a seequ’ll to “How to Speak Southern,” which mo’ than a million of yew good ol’ boys and gals went out and boat, “More. . .” covas th’ wawrds,. neva befo’ understanable to Damyankees.Wawrds lack: Retard: No longer employed. “He’s retard now.” ' pan-galactic highway brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.” It talks about art. "Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his' poem ‘Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Mid summer Morning’ four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. “Grunthos is reported to have been ‘disappointed’ by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled ‘My Favorite Bathtime Gurgles’ when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.” The t'Guide” also has an entry about Earth: “Mostly harmless.” This is little consolation to Dent, who still feels terribly lost about the whole thing. Eventually he gets to meet Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the from Ih*i individuals ltd- you're XicjVvt- rules, its beliefs are determined not by principles but by situation, and a turkey never gives up.” Also priceless is the chapter on arguing with a turkey: “It is best never to argue with a turkey. Turkeys are absolutely convinced of their intellectual acumen and absolutely in capableofsustailling-logieai4lf6ught'.”“ “The Compleat Turkey” also relates knowledge'worlhwhile to those keen on self-preservation when forced to deal with professional turkeys, turkeys at parties, and turkeys in love. How Boynton managed to infiltrate the turkey ranks suf ficiently to gather such a compendium as “The Compleat Turkey” is not known. Nor is it known how she avoided the seemingly inevitable conversion to lurkeyhood, being around them so long. What we can say for sure is that anyone who wishes to keep their tail feathers out of turkey business should read “The Compleat Turkey." Jtlfe. ■#o 0 4 ■\4Y> a \t fj l’M VsiNGLf Schiulchin: A convenience store. “Slop by the Sebmlcbrrparid get me a six- beer.", : . ''YoHtii.v: Do'y'bu want any. “Yoiilny morecornbread?” Chekatawlfarva?: An expression that is rapidly disappearing because of the gasoline shortage, but one that still may be heard by baffled Yankees at service stations in small Southern towns. It translates “Cheek that oil lor you?” Deppity: A county law enforcement officer. “Bob's a deppity shurf.” Yessuh,.yew, lew, cin speak Sutlian! An’ yew’ll ennjoy it shure Inul'f/much as enylhang. Ya’ll come back now, y’heah? MooW m Galaxy, who lias just stolen the most revolutionary spaceship ever made, and is cruising the galaxy looking for something. Precisely what is, of course, unknown even to him. On board are Trillium, a young lady whom Dent had tried to pick up at a cocktail party in Islington just weeks before, and Marvin, a chronically depressed robot, the “paranoid an driod,” and two very significant white mice in the company of Trillium. What may be some consolation to Dent is the fact that he eventually learns the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. He also learns what was the purpose of Earth (until it was destroyed). He also finds out that even with astronomical odds against, some coincidences will still happen. So if you’re planning to do any hit chhiking out near Betelgeuse, if you want to find the Answer/the meaning of Earth, if you believe in incredible coincidences, or even if you just want to read one of the funniest sci-fi hooks since “Breakfast of Champions,” pick up “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” And remember: Don’t Panic. Tho loliur# Wet Suit, from "Tho Whole Whog Cotolog" Call of tho Wild, •om “ShrlnkUti" "Th® Comploat Turk®/ Korea's cocktail-party platitudes "Well, there’s your problem,” by Ed ward Koren, Pantheon, $8.95. By JOHNJPROTEVI Daily Collegian Staff Writer . Do you have a secret passiod for the cartoons in “New Yorker” magazine? If you are like me, you look forward to doctor appointments just so you can read them in the waiting room.. If you do share this admittedly rather strange fancy, Edward Koren’s new book “Well, there’s ypur problem” should be much to your liking. A collection of Koren’s “New Yorker” cartoons from the years 1976 through 1960,- “Problem” examines the upper middle classes Of the Manhattan- Connecticutset. . The reason mine remains a secret passion is due to the peculiar nature of magazine cartoons. Magazine cartoons are a different breed. Unlike political cartoons* they rarely present famous faces. Since they are one-shot deals, they cannot rely on character development like comic strips. The magazine cartoonist strives to present a familiar cultural image, one that should be instantly identifiable. If this identification does not occur a cartoon is just a drawing, just as a misunderstood joke is just words. So what I’m confessing is some kind of hidden; ideritification • with the 1 those * trendy and self-conscious urbanites. Sort of a closet bourgeois fixation. What a What's on “The Whole Wliog Catalog” by Victor hanger, Leslie Anderson and Hob Itoss with preface by Chevy Chase, New York Times Books, s(i.!)s, 128 pages. By BRIAN GAME RIM AN Daily Collegian Staff Writer Chevy Chase has nothing to do with the “The Whole Whog Catalog.” Someone glued his face on the cover and stuck his preface in the front and that’s it. Even though it is in no way connected with Chase, it is still the “coffee table masterpiece’ ’ that he claims it to be. Now I don’t know how many of you have coffee tables, I certainly do not, so I Cutting the classic down to size?, “Shrink Lits,” by Maurice Sagoff, illustrations by Roslyn Schwartz, Workman Publishing, $:i.95. 111 pages. By P.J. PLATZ Daily Collegian Staff Writer There are so many damned good books in this world to be read for leisure, pleasure, or .class that it’s infinitely difficult to find the time even to get through one of them. You know the ones: “Moby Dick,” “Jane Eyre," "War and Peace,” "Lolita,” “The Joy of Sex.” (Well, there are some you don’t really need for class. . .) If this sort of thing has become a perennial problem with you, then may I. suggest Maurice Sagoff’s "Shrink Lits,” a handy little book containing “70 of the world’s towering classics cut down to size.” Here we have not only a delightful flee;/Will Ev meet. Gabe/Again? Mais little fun thing to be read before befldy- oui!/ A search that drives/ Them nearly bye time, but a useful compedium of silly/ Ends in hos-/ Pital in Philly;/Now literary information, quick Ev’s a nurse/And Gabe’s a case,/“lt’s bitter pill to swallow! There goes my carefully groomed image of myself as a socially committed radical. Well, now that my cover is blown, now that I’m out of the closet, I can continue with the review. I hope my being up front with you is helpful. Can you get behind me with these feelings? If you can recognize this kind of talk, you’ll get along just fine with Koren. His cocktail parties are filled with this kind of oh-so-earnest pop-psych jargon. Koren’s characters are most com fortable mingling at cocktail parties, which seem to be their native habitat. We also meet them on the sidewalk or in the country, but they seem ill at ease SH 'C'h, '"*7, r 1 Chevy's coffee tableQ cosmically sarcastic to the for-the-man- £ who-has-everlhingish type stuff, all,'* loosely linked (ha, ha) with helpful Whole Whog tips and piggish puns. " “Save water by putting a canned hanis in your toilet tank. Depending on the size**, of your ham, you’ll save up to two I*l gallons per flush. And the ham will keep cool until you’re ready to open and"*’ serve. .. The book’s apparel section featur,ijsj*? such items as the Bible Belt, rntp'' Suburban Turban and The Economic-Indicator Tie. “Mini chips woven throughout tie electros (>*, chemically active red or black pigmenjs J impregnated in the fabric fibers to dicate the nation’s economy.” While none of these are real gems'Tlf*' wit, it just does not stop. It has the sarjie > impact as a Henny Youngman routine t)n j the Sears Catalog. The book is for kick /. who grew up on “Mad Magazine” a\idr ( , can’t always stomach “The National*; Lampoon.” • > Sosend today for your Liquid Hamntcrj (“drives nails silently anjljj chemically”), or the Dogmatic Pet Solid;i Waste Retrieval and Disposal Systeiiu j (“when the pavement-proximity sensor/ ! indicates that pel’s payload is en routcif, (if ’ heat-seeking missile is launched to iii-f • tercept, enclose, wrap, and seal the target missle, and parachute; ity to a soft landing”). For those of us who can afford coffeje- \ tables, it’s a real treat. Otherwise, wait.; for the movie. highly recommend that you do what I did. Go to the bookstore and leaf through the book. You’ll get a half-hour of giggly en-. tertainment and still have seven bucks left over to take a dale to the movies. To quote Chevy’s preface again, “Money talks.” Funny books do not. This is a one shot funny book. It is not quite chock-full of visual puns, satirical consumerisms, word plays and some stuff that strangely resembles that page in Popular Workbench or whatever. The “products we’d like to see” page. Anderson’s illustrations are mar velous, the products ranging from the Heat-St title/author/character references, and a good guide to cocktail party chatter as well. There are also lots of cute little pictures by Roslyn Schwartz ac companying many of these cute little tid- bits. Shrinklits themselves are little poemy things that give the jist of all that’s needed concerning either characters, morals or just plain events. Like this one on Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland:” "Holed up/ With bunny,/ Pre-teen/ Acts funny,/ Aberrations —/ Hallucinations —/Wild Scenes —/ Tarts, Queens —/ Clearly, she/ Needs therapy.” And’ how many of us wish this book would have been around when we had to slog through "Evangeline” in the eighth grade? Sagoff has made it much more palatable: “Acadian lovers/ Forced to from "Moro How to Spook Southern" ik w n/4vl^r| 'Bafr iS?? %> V s v < f |f ■ "Take it all off.” V ■V \\ I -T-T"" ' C 'Wednesday, Nov. 512 r "1 ( '*♦ from "Tho Hitchhiker's Guido to tho Galaxy' . Y\ ■ "bJ without their little glasses <of white] wine, no doubt.) j It’s at cocktail parlies where their true wit can come through, where “Platitudes” can lounge in midair nexl to “Truisms,” where a “Banality” cajj fight it out with a “Commonplace," ai they do in my favorite cartoon. , • "Well, there’s your. problem” has many wonderfully revealing scenes like y that particular party. It will make voh laugh, but also squirm, for as often as* j Koren let’s us glow with satisfaction at » seeing through the cliches of these J people, he also makes us ruefully admit * he has caught some of our own j pretenses. \ you!” (Who else?)/ A brief embrac'd/;;. \ Ere each must die/ Bereft of jj There’s not a dry/eye in the house.” ; What fun! Now you can put away Atipg ) only your novels (to be read at some*'-- i point in your sixties), but your Cliff!} Notes as well. Besides, the Cliffs don’t; ! have pictures ,<t * ffir.C, >iCi I''! r. v j' i t nr. V-' rtu'.' /; <> 4 ’ i *; ■W ■ mi r. ' \i\ -I ip? '■'hi* r?< ■' h * * 9 » i? *. I t A ? ; 'til ij ./• n ! ! ::i ‘'Somewhere' in Never-Never Land of love By STUART AUSTIN Daily Collegian Staff Writer Did you ever dream about love? Was it « a filmy-eyed fantasy-world of pastels and penny candy, smiles and soft words, and kisses on a warm summer night? Then did you wake up from that dream, that world of perfect love, back to a dismal reality, knowing that those soft, warm bodies of your Never-Never Land •*' are gone forever? Is. there anything more frustrating? In "Somewhere In Time” that frustration is taken to the extreme, an infinitely recursive pattern of simultaneous existence in the dream world of yesteryear and the not-so dreamy world of today. Christopher Reeve is a playwright who, on the opening night of his first production, is given a beautiful pocket watch by an old woman who tells him, “Come back and find me.” Eight years later, still puzzled by the incident, he # finds out that the woman was an actress who reached her heyday in 1912, and who went into decline after a production at the Grand Hotel. Coincidentally, Reeve finds this out while staying at the Grand Hotel. He PROFESSIONAL TYPESETTING & ; preparation of: articles for publication • research • papers • research proposals • programs • invitations • brochures R X 35*». M-ypeseuinii & W V 2061 fflS Medical School Four-year fully recogni zed and established Mexican Medical School, with several hundred American students en rolled. Use English text books, with First Semes ter exams in English. School combines quality education, smallclasses, experienced teachers, modern facilities. dnlvaraldad Del Neresta 120 East 41 SI..NY. NY 10017 (211) 594-6380 or 232-3784 Grace Lutheran Church (con-ifir BeAYer-HWher) " Informal , Cownjunioh Service ■ ’ Sponsored by’the. l.uther<*h Stud«h+ Parish Is \t AUTHENTIC GREEK PIZZA only at BELL'S Free Delivery From 4:30 pm Daily 538 E. College Ave. useful and exercising steps from the corner. Garner St. 337-8616 discovers an antique photo of the actress (played by the incredibly beautiful Jane Seymour) and instantly falls in love. Time is his only obstacle. Somehow Reeve overcomes this hurdle, and imbarks on a wonderfully sweet romance back in 1912. How he Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeve wnn,ooo A&P Frozen Meat Shop DEVAULT (14-OZ. PKG. 2.19) Sandwich Steaks OUR BEST BREAOED Veal Patties A&P Fried Chicken SAVE Van De Kamp Fish Fillets SAVE Van De Kamp Fish Sticks BONELESS BOTTOM Round Roast ; ’ BUY ONE CD EE GETONErnCC Lynflen Farms Frozen Shoestring Potatoes BUY ONE 20-OZ. PKG. & GET ONE 20-OZ. PKG. FREE FROZEN Mrs. Smith’s Pumpkin Pie FROZEN...SAUSAGE, PEPPERON! 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CAN I ij U ii n* CAN* | WITH THIS COUPON WITH THIS COUPON I THui rnnpnu * UmA mi par cmlMiir. | I Limn Ml . * WITH THIS COUPON I tM uw, w... ■, mi i vSzc.Tmb i Krp'.'rrn I ARmai OuiMn ! * .. „ ~ I j V,M ,ri ' H **••• WO \ IV‘ allfll AtPSiini I I m 'jBB MMiaOhtaMn Mnai urntion j I ■ um\\w It , ; | lauOT AAfstini | lr: a Jil aipsiwt» | J L, j * * " lER 8 1980 IN COLLEGE North Atherton St. • OPEN 24 HOURS Mon. thru Sot. *lO A.M. til 6 P.M. Sunday BELLEFONTF • ’ OIW Westerly Parkway - OPEN 24 HOURS Mon. thru Sat.'-10 A.M. til 7 P.M. Sunday UN 1 to think about it. It has an unexpected twist of fate which has horrifying (but fascinating) consequences. Other than that, it’s about average for a love story, with an enjoyable touch of tasty sweetness. The acting, like the plot, is okay; Reeve made a great ‘‘Superman,” but here he can’t fly. Seymour, apart from being stunningly attractive, actually can act with feeling (and all that other good stuff). One thing that is not just okay is the cinematography. The camera technique is charac terised by frequent split-screen shots with the focus largely off-center, some jumpy, rapid shots, and some anguishinly slow pans. Why such daring camera work was used in an otherwise ordinary film is not clear, since its effect was pleasing though minima). Some scenes seemed too drawn out; whatever the desired effect was, it got lost. So it worked out to an overall average of just average. There is, of course, a way out for the perfect lovers in “Somewhere In Time,” who live only in a timeless dream world. There is that one dream from which you never wake. 229 SAVE Boneless Pork Chops 21 g , RIB Center Cut Pork Chops Mb QO9 SAVE pbg L Country Style Spare Ribs 12 oz 0 9 SAVE Pkg Z 1 Meaty Pork Back Ribs 32 g RIB PORTION Boneless Pork Roast 31b. QQC RICH SOURCE OF VITAMINS sag 99 /\ n j OU pears 5 lb. 'IIS RICH IN POTASSIUM S VITAMIN B Ba 9 1 Florida Avocados IVj-lb. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers