PAGE SIX
No More Politics
Collegian took a beating all during the recent
political campaign. The Inde-pendent-Nittany
party thought we didn't like them, so they didn't
!like us.. The Key party thought we didn't like
them, so they didn't like us. Pretty soon even us
didn't like us.
So 'Collegian has decided upon a new political
policy. No longer will we "besmirch campus poli
ties," no longer will we accuse political parties of
graft, no longer will we attack party platforms.
iiNo, 'Collegian will leave campus politics alone. (If
you believe this, you are crazier than we ere.)
•
Collegian has decided that there are more im
portant things to slam on campus than politics.
Besides, elections are over anyway.
Leaves us turn to the Independent Student
Committee and their supny Flop. They are igoing
to have 20 booths for fraternities, and 10 for in
dependents. Obviously, this is unfair. Instead of
just 20 booths for fraternities, they should all be
ior fraternities. That's what IFC did 'for their
pledge dance.
Mystery Solved
. Long ago, half forgotten in the dim and misty
past, a crime occurred on the campus of our be
-o.oved college. It was not so much of a crime as it
was a national institution. Some people may dis
agree with this point of view. But we do not.
• The other day we read of a case where a mur
der was solved after an eight year investigation.
That gives us two more years to take care of this
Unfinished stuff. Collegian has taken up the torch
of truth and is determined to get to the bottom
of this foul mystery. We shall not fail.
Dupee, as his friends balled him, was a good
.Toe. People used to come up to him on the street
and say, "Hello, Dupee. You'r a good ..1 . 1.T0.' This is
unvarnished fact.
Dupee, as his friends called him, was a hot man
in the PSCA? People used to come up to him on
the street and say to him. (Betcha you can't guess
What they said to him.) It was, "Dupee, you're a .
gOod Joe, but how come you ain't been over to
11-lillel lately?"
Roger was a real pal. You've seen how people
used to always !come up to him on the street and
say, Well, 'after his murder people didn't do this .
osy more. It had become increasingly more diffi
cult to get a word out of the old boy.
This, however, was not his fault. He had been
oworn to secrecy by the campus cops, not to di
vulge a word to anyone about anything because
they hadn't figured out yet just which one of the
3500 or so women who had so foully used him was
responsible 'for his death.
Now that all these women are gone, it is safe to
reveal that the final licks, the last damaging
blows, were inflicted by none other., than, Cow
slip Dream Sue . . . star milk giver it the college
balms.
This gives rise to the suspicion that dirty work
was afoot. it was a 'hcit night as they, went walking
down the Malls. And as Dupee, as his friends call
ed him bent over to extract a glass of fresh milk,
Cowslip, thinking him a bit too &onward, stepped
on his head, thus bringing to a close the most pro
mising career on campus.
We print this only in the interest of other young
and promising male 'students wha may, now that
the weather is 'turning warmer, feel tempted to
trip a ga.votte or two 'across the green with a fair
fresh maiden. Beware the sad end of Roger Dup
):ee Dumont, and protect your head when you lean
THE COLLEGIAN
"Tor A Better Pena State-
Published every. Tuesday and Friday morning dur.
ing the regular College year by the staff of the Daily
Collegian of the Pennsylvania State College. Entered as
recond class matter July 5, 19?.., at. the State College, Pa
Post Office under the act of Marc
Subscriptions' by mail at $1 as emester.
/Editor in Chief Business Manager
:Forest Chime Bubbles Baby
Editor in Chief _—
Forest Chime
Co -Managing Editors _
Advertising Manager
EDITORIAL STAFF
News Editor—Barbara Ingrown ; Feature Editor—James.
Willbutst ; Photo Editor—Gwynneth Timmith ; Sports Edi
tor—Admiral Dreaindust ; Women's Editor—Lord No; Cir
culation Managers—Some Heel ; Assistant Advertising Han
tiger-13 ig Deal - Senior Bored—Pray Tell Luscious Lois
Darks.
Junior Board—ickey Ruts, Larry Lost-her, Synn Jacobs
daughter Corny Wheatfield Ynette Lunntwist, Mother Mc-
Cauley, K. Mick Cormick, Ducey Felting, and Truth Fisher
man.
STAFF THIS ISSUE
Head Fool James Wil'burst
.Gold Star Janitor ----- _—_---_----_ Ducey Fifing
Assistant Gold Star" _ - Lushous Lois Barks
Chief Cook and BottleWafibe;' -- ---- Squirrely Hyons
Monday, April 1, 1946
Business Manager
Bubbles Baby
_ Audrey Zoiback, Gorgeous Sample
• • Bangs Sankus
A Sweet and Gentle Look .
EverYthing is fine in the Nittany Valley today. Happy students
are joyfully wending their way to classes. Birds are singing the beau
tiful carols of Spring. Grass is bursting from the frozen belnd of earth
where cruel Winter has held it for long and wretched, months. Even
the little lambs are gamboling on the greensward, friSking their cute
little tails in the air.
Daffodils nod their lovely yellow heads in the sweet zephyrs that
caress the campus with soft and
silent fingers.
All is peace and queit. dignity
and drowsiness. Nowhere is
there strife for one to rave about.
Politics is wonderful, Pifford
Cladmans is wonderful, registra
tion is wonderful, even the Bull
osopher is wonderful today.
All 'the Little Thetta's are sweet
and innocent today. All the little
fraternity boys are faultless
,geli'-
tlemen. All the little waitresses, in
the Corner noom come running
to serve one.
But I shall n'ot take it upon
myself to criticize anyone today.
For in the Spring a young man's
fancy lightly turns to what he's
been working on all year, and I
am content. This is it; the Mine
when mayhem stalks abroad in
the guise of love. The time •of
weakness and delicious , •yiekling
among the
. verdant night-grasses
of Hort Woods.
This is the time of Campus pa-
Penn Statements
• Now that."ru,shing" is a thing of the past, there is a remarkable
change in the appearance of sorority women. (Have you ever seen then
look so healthy, run around in such a spritely•manner, or•converse in
such stimulating tones. We hear that •Hepsibah Shtunic„ down at the.
Showa Betta Thign house, was so rested and rarin' to go, after she
bade her last coke date a fond !farewell, that she cantered up to 'the
track and rushed around' it three times.
Then too there's the -rushee who liked all. the coke dates, bridge
games; and parties so much that
she decided not to join sorority.
She figured she'd rather be rushed
again next season. •
BOW WOW
Speaking of liking things, , we,
know of a campaign manager :who,
operated during the recent ele,C
lions free-for-all. Now, . that it's all
over, he is bored . and distontented.
No more hand-shaking,. 110 more
kissing pretty babies—his life is at
a stand-still. At present, he's 'con..
con
sidering ideas for a new campaign
just so that he can get back into
the swing of things. On the top of
his list of bright suggestions is
election of the "canine - cuttie of
State College." Now he's learning
to bark so that he'll be able to
speak the language of the people.
A girl we know isn't quite up on
her athletics or else she's under .
the influence of golfen thusiasts.
At any rate, she frequently can be
heard 'bragging in the Corner
Room or some other likely spot
Letters to the Editor
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THE COLLEGIAN
rolmen. carrying flashlights and
breaking up my little games there
in the darkness of the gollcourse.
GAfter all, gentlemen, every one
is entitled to a (little after-dinner
entertainment. Why be such old
fuddy duddies?)
See how! nice I just was to the
campus cops? . I didn't even call
them any nasty .names. Boy,
Spring is an awfully dull season.
I'm 'calming down to a swift
crawl. Never More shall I lash out
at anSnohe or anything on campus.
For the last time I 'have let fall
My. specially sharpened axe upon
the innocent necks of chance vic
'tints. Finally it has come to This.
I am finished. The wiles and
charms of Spring, couvled with
the enticing smile of a maiden
fair, have drained dry my vitriolic
pen and left. me flat and harm
less. This is theend.
(This is also .the most gigantic
mess of borscht yet written.
Aprille Poole, Kiddies!)
By JAMES WILLBURST
iliottt' her ability to bo - syl under
100:
In. Spring
With the Avieather warm and the
flowers beginning to take a peak,
students seem to be more and
more eager to attend classes-and
increase their supply of ictiowl
edge: As IWickadel .Clauderbuck
puIS it,* "These wondeiful days
juSt give me an undying thirst for
more education. an Spring, my
thoughts turn to studies." Guess
that expresses it for 'all of us.
'People sometimes question us as
to whether everything used in this
column is true. TIN seems a per
fect time to answer - these Skeptics.
Of course everything is true; we
wouldn't ;for a minute attempt to
deceive the Penn State students.
On our girl scout's honor, we an
sure you that it is true. If you still
doubt us, check with Hepslbah
and Wickadel
_(the latter can be
found in. the 7 colirbarn where 'She
finally found a stall). We're sure
they'll testifyaa to our reliability.
.LEMITER to the editor
My Dear Editor,
, We have been told by Various
peoples supposed to be important
that the Collegian is a paper re
presentative of the campus 'and
its activities. It has come to my
attention that you have forgotten
a lew imortant and signiAgant
eventi - in the' last issue, which I
feel obligated to bring to your at
etntion:
This is' be kind to 'Wander-
Mg: dogs and s:ecordian polayers
week; N,ok mention ,m.ade of
.this.. - It rated at least a' front-Page.
eiihteolumn - spreaci 'in the Goo--
hers Vill - Daily Mini?, and Colle
gian ignored it entirely. For
shame! '
•
2. B. Niasb.Carrol, sophomore
C and F; broke all the spoils re
cords of the country last Wednes-!
day by Shooting a paper wad 300
feet with his trusty rubber band.
What a sports , stafif!
3. Professor Lmxcve gave an
.important speedh on the
.impor
tance of new rate holes in the
post-war home. How can a paper
f a College, representative of
American thinking youth let such
an item go by-Are you politically
blind, dealf, and dumb?
I shall continue my complaints
to the unhearing, Stupid staff
yOu mend yoUr ways, and give'
us the BIG news. . •
Al 'Ways Griping'
Chairman
•
Give. Collegian Coanimittee
Off The Record
By AUDREY ZWIBACK
Battle of the Bands winner, Sick Splurge arid
his herd received a bid' to play at Carnegie Hall,
N. Y., next week. They received a telgram front
Andreko Solidjiveinski, 'conduc
tor of the New York Phildishar , .
monic Orchestra, telling them to
be at the joint ready to play by
8 p. m. sharp (or flat). The band
will open its concert with Good
wig von Latelovin's "Fifth
Symphony," better knoWn'to
college students as "Good-Heav;
ens, How . I Hate That Classical
Stuff." During intermission the
r ; .r.~..~ ~ j:
band :will' sell - peanuts in the 10 7
by to pay for travelling expeni?es .case
hiking facilities' are not available. • The ''ClOsini
. .
number of the program will. be, a Concerto writ-'
ten by Mr. Splurge entitled Ha,
.We're -Bet
ter than the Camlpus Owls:"
Two new nurribers---really solid—hit the, re
cord world this week .(and they'll prObably -bounce
right liack.) Mes s Clown introduces his stirring
rendition of "I Don't Want To Love yq,A,
Your Father - Has A Shotgun," and Lankie Swborr
atra introduces a tear-jerking version of "I Cried
For You When You Walked: Off With My Fra
ternity, -Pin."
Some•of the popular numbers currently, heard
. on vies throughout the nation are "I Surrender,
Dear," or. `.. 9 lAut, Down That Club And I'll. Take,
You to the Bunny HOp;" "Day. by Day 7-4 ly
.I\ll - rks Get Lower;" "Give Me the Simple I.4ife,",
dedicated to_ L. A., majors; `-`Tonight I Shall
- Sleep," or "Why Do I Play Bridge Till 2 A. M.?"
A brand new. abuart Of Heevunt - Faster records
is now on the market. !Featured' in this •Insb.
set is "Jeannie With the Light Grown ,Hair,"
commonly known as "She Used To Be A Br*.
ette;" "My Old Kentucky Home—ls Better Than
the Rat Hole I'm Living In Now;" "Beautiful
Dreamer," 'well known to, all students who ha:Ve
8 o'ciccks; and "Camptown Races," or "Why. Did
I Bet Five Bucks On That Nag."
Note: The_ aboiret picture of Mr. Splurge was
taken - white the -, artist perfonrned the iamazing
fsah of playing the zither. while stan4ing on his
head'. •
Punch Lines
-By GEORGE SAMPLE
It is a physical impossibility, to put six column
inches of type into a space
. where there is room
for only four. Lead type cannot be squeezed,.
pushed; twisted or otherwise misshapen. The
New York Times , can't do it; neither
. can The
Collegian.. This simple law of some • Science or
the other, of which a Liberal Arts student would
know, nothing, accounts for. the.cloud,of, i confusiOn.
'that: surrcund last • weeks article concerning the
Battle bf The Bands. . • '
If you are . in doubt about the article' in ques
tion, slip into the bathroom andr . get last week's
Collegian. It's pfabably lying on top of — the
Sears .and' Roebuckcatalog. -
Under the sub-head Business Ethics, you can
find the article Which infers that the wrong band
won the contest. This misconception occured,.
because of the simple law stated before, YOU
CAN'T SQUEEZE TYPE. • •
For the benefit of the dear, sweet and gentle
readers who have written me during the past
week concerning the artiole, I shall now print
the portion which:was cut, DUE TO THE LIM
ITATIONS OF SpACTE ? „ (I had . spingthing else
written in place'cif the, above lines but the - laws
of obscenity won't. allow them to be pririted3
-I'd like to print the article exactly as it w.a*
written be'fore but I cant find the old eopy.
never save it from week to weele—a stand
the smell of it either. - •
The part which was never printed stated: It
is poor business ethics of a group to sparisor . a .
contest and pick a Winner among two bends
which are competing against each other.,: It is -
poor business ethics and it does not aid ccTIPe
tition among the bands. That's something the
Penn State campus could use.
What waS printed before the above matter still
stands. This writer does believe that a Battle of
the Bands could have, been handled more adept
ly. A much more deniocratie way to have hand
led the affair would have beeh on a plan similar
to that Used by 'the Collegian in pre-war days.
In this way both bands would have been given a
publicity build-up through the Co,l2legian columns.
No winner was ever picked in a Collegian Battle
of Bands but the individual.groups
ultion through publiej dityrctrit numbers "on
their program.
1!!!TI=11:1=1
MONDAY, APRIL 1,1.946