HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher.
VOL. VIII
iUpraing fJiwnccat.
\ l>efliOcrawc weekly
,i,Cr . leVOte t hJ o Ar°iV r
,'r I s.izneesAc. Pub
tverj W e dnrs-
Avowing County, I'* r A fSpT'LfiL.J
tV HARVEY SICKIER I
I'erm*—l copy 1 year, in advance) 42,00 ; if
Dd t [ aid within six months, *2.50 will be charged
NO paper will be DISCONTINUED, until all are
rearagerse paid; unless at the option of puMi
RATES OF ADVERTISING
ten LINKS CONSTITUTE A SQUARE.
line >quare one or three [insertions *1.50
Every subsequent insertion less than 8 50
HEAL ESTATE, PERSONAL PROPERTY, and GENERAL
Advertising, as may be agreed upon,
Patent MEDICINES and other advertisements oy
the column :
Ono column, 1 year, 360
Half column, 1 year
Third column, 1 year, -*>
Fourth column, 1 year, 20
Business Cards o f one square or less, peryear
nith paper, $8
ty EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITKH advertising—with
out Advertisement —15 cts. per line. Liberal terms
n.ede with permanent advertisers.
EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI
TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, *2,50
ORTTCARfE'v- exceeding ten linos, each ; REL
tJIOUSand LITERARY NOTICES, not of general
merest, one half the regular rates.
Advertisements must be handed in by TCES
ay NOON, to insure insertion the same week.
JOB WORK
fall kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit
the times.
A! 1 TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB
WORK must be paid for, when ordered
Business Notices.
i irnpa * kirraKih attorneys, office
I J on Warren Stroet Tunkhannock Pa.
W E. LITTLE. J. A. SITTSEK.
|| s COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
I i . Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa.
/ \ 1„ I'AKHIMI. ATTORNEY AT LAW.
V L oifi-c at the Court House, iu Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. I'a. _
\\ M.lMrrMAl l. ATTORNEY AT LAW Of
' \\ Gee in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
nmrisk.Pa. _ __ _
rii" j t'HASfcT" ATTORNEY AN D COUNSEL
1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
JS;ecial ttenlion given to settlement of dece
dent s estates *_ ,
Nicholson, Pa., Dec. 5, lSg* vinlJjl
•it J WIL9OR, ATTORNfY AT LAW, Col
M. lectins and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands
fur sale. Scranton, Pa.
A DEWITT, Attorneys' at Law-
U Office, opposite the Bank, Tunkhannock P.
r M. u;TERHOUT. B * DEWiri
T w. KIIBAIW, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON,
J. will attend promptly to jall rails
fesaion. May be found at his Office at the Dro*
Shire, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
occupied by A. K. I'eckham Esq. '
OR, E. F, AVERY'S^§fc
DENTAL OFFICE,
Over Burn's Bros., Jewelry Store. Tunkhaunock, Pa.
All the various styles of Dental worlt
dune and warranted. Particular attention given to
straightening irregular or deficient teeth.
Examinations made, and .advice glven wUhout
sliargi- Ethereal Spray administered when des' r "N -
Culoroform administered under direction of a PHysl
cisu. The advantages of employing a local and re
ijwnsible dentist are apparent to all. vsn.ni.
Prof. J. Berlinghof.
iflstjionablt Barber & gair-Wttr,
AT TUNKHANNOCK, PA.
HAIR Woven, and Braided, for Switches, or Curled,
ao>i Waterfalls of every size and atyle, manufactur
ed to order. . , .
Tbe highest market prices paid fur Ladies llair.
All the approved kinds of Hair Restorers and
Drying constantly kept on hand and sold at Man
ufacturers retail prices. , j
Hair nnd Whiskers colored to every natural j
JACOB BERLINGHOF.
Tunk . Pa. Jan. 5, '69 vBn22-tf.
PACIFIC HOTEL,
170,172, 174 A 176 Greenwich Street.
Ittoos ABOVE COBTLANUT STREET, SEW YORK.)
The unpereigned takes pleasure in annonnclng to
hi- numerous Iricnds and patrons that from this
date, the charge of the Pacific will be
$2.50 PER DAY.
It* r a -de Proprietor of this house and therefore j
frv ,in the too common exaction of an Inordinate ,
he i< fully able to meet the downward tenuen
cy of prices without any falling oflol service.
It i,t now, as herototoie. be his nJm to maintain
E- ::i!-hid the favorable reputation of the Pacific,
h;, hit has enjoyed for m*n: years, as one or the
b""t iftravelers' hotels. , Mfc i
THE TABLE will tie bountifully supplied with
*v ry delicacy of the season. . I
Tilt at TEN DANCE will bo found efficient and
ar.d obliging. . . - _
1 lit. I.t l AT lON wiU be found convenient for
t . whose business calls them in the lower part or
t-.e city, and of ready access to all Rail Koad and
w*. a , Lines. JoHN pATTEN .
'ct iota IS6B. nlB-am.
HUFFORD HOUSE.
TUNKHANNOCK. "WYOMING CO., PA
TlF'e L-TABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY
teen refitted and furnished in the latest style.
uUcnlii.n will be given to tbe comfort and ,
e r.w-.ViL. e of those who patronize tbe House.
11, 111 FFORD Proprietor.
Tui kh.iiißuck, Pa., June l", 1368.—v7044.
BOLTON HOUSE.
HAitRISHUHGf FHNNA.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
I*CEHLER HOUSE " property, has already corn
men i jui-h alterations and improvement# as will i
tender this old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior, to any Hotel in tbe City or Harrisburg.
A continuance of the public patronage is refpect
foDj solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
1 U * KII \KNOCK, VF YO.W ING CO.. PA.
THIS evUbluhiuent has recently been refitted an
* furnished in tbe latest style. Every attention
'ol be given to tiie comfort and convenience ofthoee
•*> patronise the House.
T. B. WALL, Owner and Peepnetor:
* aukhannoek, September 11, 1861. , ■*-
TUNKHANNOCK WYOMING CO., PA., -WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 1809. ~
The new Broom still
new!
AND WITH THE NEW YEAR,
Will be used with moro sweeping effect than hereto
fore,by large additions from time to time, of Choice
ann desirable GOODS, at tbe
NTew Store
r 0F
C DETRICK,
in S. Stark's Bri.k Block
, AT TUNKHANNOCK, PANN'A.
Where ean be 'ound, et all limes, one ef the Largest
end Richest assortments ever offored in Ibis vicinity,
Consisting of
BLACK AND FANCY COL'RD DRESS
SILKS,
FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS.
EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS,
POPLINS, SERGES, end PAREMETTOS,
BLACK LUSUE AND COLORED
ALPACCAS WOOL, ARMURE, PEKIN
AND MOUSKLIEU DELAINS, INPORTED
i AND DOMESTIC OINGHAMS, PRINTS
of Best Manufactures,
;
Ladies Cloths and Saequeings,
FURS, SHAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN
GOODS, &C.. LADIES RETICULES,
SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS.
TRUNKS, VALISES, end TRAVELING
I BAGS,
:o:
I
i Hosiery and Gloves, Ladies' Vesta, White
Gooda, and Yainkee notions
in endless va
riety.
lIOOPSKIRTS k CORSETTS,
j direct from the manufacturers, at greatly
i reduced prices. '
FLANNELS all Colors and Qualities.
KNIT GOODS,
| Cloths,
Cassimcres,
Vestings,
Coltonades,
Sheetings,
4 Shirtings,
Drills.
Denims,
Ticks, Stripe?, Ac.
Every Description of
BOOTS k SHOES,
HATS & CAPS.
Paper Hangings Window Shades, Cur
tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil
cloths, Crockery, Glass and Stoneware.
Tinware,
Made expressly for this trade, and war
laiited to give Satislaciion, at 20 per cent,
cheaper than the usual rates in this section.
HARDWARE A CUTLERY, of all
kind?,
SILVER PLATED WARE,
Paints, Oils, and Painters Materials,
Putty, Window Glass, &c.
KEROSENE 'OIL,
Chandeliers,
Eantps,
Lanterns,
Lantern Gtares,
Lamp Chimneys,
Shades and
Curuers.
COAL,
ASHTON, ir BBL. SALT
FLOI'R,
FEED.
MEAL,
BTTTER,
CHEESE,
LARD,
PORK,
HAMS,
and FISH.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE
SPICES,
SYRUP, A
MOLASSES,
WOOD k WILLOW WARE,
ROFCS, CORDAGE,
PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYE 3,
FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ac,
:o:
These goods have been selected
with great care to suit the wants of
this community, and will be sold as
heretofore, at the lowest living rates
for cash or exchanged for country
produce at market prices. Thankful
for the past liberal patronage, I shall
endeavor by strict attention to my
business, to merit a continuance of
the same, and will try to make the
future still more attractive and ben
eficial to customers.
C. DETRIOK.
1 i luftrg.
[Republished by request.]
NO SECT IN HEAVEN.
3 Talking of sects till lato one eve,
Of the various doctrines the saints bellovc,
That night I stood In a troubled dream,
By the side of a darkly flowing stream.
I
And a "Churchman" down to the river came ;
When I heard a strange voice call his name,
"Good father, stop ; when you cross this tide
You must leave your robes on the other side."
But the aged father did not mind,
And his long gown floated out behind,
As down tho stream his way he took,
Ills pale hands clasping a gilt-edged book.
"I'm bound for Heaven and when I'm there
I shall want my book of Common Prayer ;
And though I put on a starry crown,
I should feel quite lost without uiy gown."
Then he fixed his eye on a shining track.
But his coat was heavy, and held him back,
And the poor old father tried in vain,
A single stop In the flood to gain.
I saw him again on tho other side,
But his silk gown floated on the tldo ;
And no one &6ked, In that blisslul spot,
Whether he belonged to "THE Church" or not.
Then down The river a Quaker strayed,—
His dress of a sombre hue was; made ;
"My coat and hat must be of gray,—
I cannot go any other way."
Then he buttoned his coat straight up to his chin
And steadily, solemnly, waded In,
Anil his broad-brimmed hat he pulled down tight,
Over Uls forehead, so cold and white.
But a strong wind carried away his hat;
A moment he silently sighed over that.
And then, as he gazed to the farther shore,
The coat slipped off. and was seen no more.
As he entered Heaven, his suit of gray
Went quietly sailing—away—away,
And none of the Angels questioned him
About the width of his beaver's brim.
Next came Dr. Watts, with a bundle of Psalms
Tied nicoiy up in his aged arms,
And hymns as many, a very wise thing,
That the people in Heavea "all round," might
sing.
But I thought that he heaved an anxious sigh,
As lie saw that the river ran broad and high,
And looked rather surprised, as one by oue,
The Psalms and the Hymns in the wave went
down.
And after him, with his MSS,
Came Wesley, the pattern of goodliness ;
Hut he cried, "dear me what shall I do ?
The water has soaked them through and thro."
And there on the river, far and wide.
Away they went down tho swollen tide ;
And the saint, astonished, passed through alone,
Without his manuscript up to the throne.
Then gravely walking, two saints by name,
Down to the stream together came ;
But as they stopped at the river's brink.?
I saw one saint from the other shrink.
"Sprinkled or plnnged.—may I ask yon friend,
How yon attended to life's great end 7"
"THUB with a few drops upon my brow,"
"But I have been dipped as you'll see me now."
"And I really think It will hardly do,
As I'm 'close communion,' to cross with yon ;
You're bound, I know, to the realms of bliss.
But you must go that way, and I'll go this.
Then straightway plunging with all his might,
Away to the left—his friend to the right.
Apart they went from this world of sin,
But at last together they entered in.
And now, when the river was rolling on,
A Presbyterian ehnreh rfent down.
Of women there seemed an Innumerable throng.
But the men I could count as they passed along.
And concerning the road, they could never agree,
The OLD or the NEW way, which it could lie ;
Nor ever a moment pause to think
That both would lead to the river's brink.
And a sound of murmuring, long and loud,
Came ever up from the moving crowd ;
"Yon're In the old way, and I'm In the new ;
That is the false, and this Is the true
Or "I'm In the old way, and you're In the new ;
THIS is the false and THAT IS the true."
But the BRETHREN only seemed to speak ;
Modest the sisters walked, and meek.
But if ever'ono of thera chanced to say
What troubles she met with on the way,—
How she longed to pass to the other side,
Nor dared to cross over the swelling tide.—
A voice arose from the brethren then :
"Let no one speak but the "holy men
For have ye not heard the words of Paul,
"Oh let the women keep silence all 7"
I watched them long in my curious dreara,
Till they stood by the borders of the stream ;
Then just as I thought, the two ways met.
But all the brethren were talking yet,
And would talk on. till the heaving tide
Carried them over side by side ;
Side by side for the way was ono—
The toilsome journey of life was done,—
And priest and quaker, and all who died,
Came out alike on the other side,
No forms, or crosses, or books had they—
No gowns of silk, or suits of gray,
No creeds to guide them or MSS,
For all had put on Christs righteousness.
At the ontlireak of the late war,
John A. J. Oreaswell, now Postmaster-Gen
eral nntler Grant, was a violent rebel, and
raised a company of Confederate soldiers in
Maryland. Grant is "making treason
odions."
j&ay Why would lawyers make good
soldiers ? Becauso they know how to
charge.
"To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Eight."
THE HAPPIEST MOMENTS.
Who does not sometimes recall the days
of childhood—those lrnppy days of urttil
loyed bliss—of innocence—W ignorance—
for who will not acknowledge that "igno
rance is bliss." Yet there are times when
we are so happy that we scarcely regret
those days gone by : yes, there happy mo
ments in our life when we seem in the sev
enth heaven ; but, to begiu at the begin
ning, we will speak of the happiest mo
ments of childhood, for we luive clouds as
well as sunshine even then. Now, first and
foremost, behold the delight with which
the little mites in long clothes try to catch
at everything within their reach ; and, if
by chance they get hold of anything, to
knock it on the table, or dash it on the
ground and break it. Oh ! how happy
they do feel when they see the ruins they
have made. Then, again, when they have
grown a little older, and are short-coated,
with what delight do they look at their own
little trotters as they kick them about; the
the wee bronze shoes or pretty-morocco
seem to delight them ; they look ut them
.earnestly, then, being much pleased, they
make up their minds to bite them, and
go to work with all their little energies,
sometimes managing to pull one off, when
they do bite away with a vengeance ; and
how happy the little creatures are when
they get hold of papa's beard, or manage
to pull mamma's hair down, and try might
and main at that, or pull poor papa's or
mamma's nose, that is perfect bliss. If tlio
dear little creature belongs to the mascu
line gender, with what joy, what pride,
does he strut about on that happy day when
he lirst dorrs the garments ox freedom, of
liberty, and tyranny— in other Words, when
he is tirst breeched.
Ah ! that is a happy day to the miniature
lords of creation. Then when he throws
aside his short Jackets, and lirst wears a
coat, does he not think some pumpkins ? I
guess lie does. Then there is a young la
dy, when she first wears a long dress—how
she has looked forward to that happy time ;
how often has she put on her mother's
dress and promenaded nj> and down, p looking
back at the train with a pride ; and now tho
happy moment has com- when she has a
long dress of her own. Yes, a real long
dress, touching the ground ; and with what
a self-confident air does she walk out, won
dering what all think of her, especially the
young gents.
Now comes one of the especially happy
moments of life to the young "man. \\ hat
words can tell the joy, the pride, ho feels
when he first begins a few stray hairs upon
his upper lip and chin —with what anxiety
does he watch its growth—even with as
much fondness as a mother watches her
babe.
There is a moment in the life of the fair
maid not to be forgotten—when her lovely
tresses are first put up she feels a grown-up
young lady in every sense of the word, and
no mistake. There is no impropriety in
her thinking of l>e,aux now, if she has not
thought of them Ixffore.
Now the young gent having arrived at
the dignity of a darkened upper lip, and af
ter having been told by a younger brother
two or three times that he hail better wash
liis face clean, he begins to think it is about
time to take a little notice of the fair sex.
What a happy moment when ho gets his
courage up to that pitch, that he actually
puts his arm aronnd the waist of a pretty
girl, only to prevent her falling, of course ;
what a thrill of joy, of pleasure, when he
first presses a kiss upon her cheek, and
when he has the audacity to imprint one on
those ]>onting lips, and when she returns it.
what language ean express the rapturous
bliss of that instant, we can well say it is
1 letter imagined than described. I can fan
cy some saying that experience would be
still better. 1 will not contradict them.
Now we are about arriving at the most
interesting (I wish it would be grammati
cal to.say tho most happiest) minutes of
life. The young gentleman being able to
boast of a mustache, makes of his mind to
pop the question to the idol of his affection.
He goes with—well, as Khakspeare says,
"At war 'twixt will and will not." If suc-
cessful, is it not one of the happiest mo
ments of life, when he hoars that "yes," in
whispers soft and low does lie not feci but
I do not think I will try to describe his
feelings. No, nor the feelings of the hap
py maiden when she hears with her own
ears, from liis own lips, that she is "the
empress of his heart." Now for tho next
and even happier moment (if possible),
when he looks with ]ride upon that lovely
creature, and can for the lirst time clasp
her as his, and his alone.
"His wife,'l how sweet that name sounds
what music to his enchanted ear. I sup
pose the fair creature feels very happy, too:
of course, slie must feel highly elated at
the idea of getting married, for there is
certainly now no fear of her being an "old
maid"—that must be a gr<*at weight off a
girl's mind, for all know the only aim of a
woman's life is to get married, at least so
the men tliink.
I suppose the next happiest moment of
life, that Is of any note, is generally when
they first look upon their first-born. What
pride swells their hearts when the yonng
fond parents first gaze upon that little
mite of humanity. Oh, the many happy
moments that they pass together watching
each movement of the interesting little
creature.
How the young wife and mother rushes
to meet the happy father, to inform him of
the astonishing fact that the wonder knows
her—yes, actually knows his own mother.
Well, they say, "It is a wise child that
knows its own father."
Then the happy moment when he first
lisps the name of mamma or papa ; when
he first runs aloae with his little hands ex
tended towards tliem ; but, ah ! how use
less to speak of these moments of joy—of
happiness— of bliss—of l'apture—all mo
ments when the feelings are better imag
ined or experienced than described ! Yes 1
language is, indeed, weak to express the
feelings of the happiest moments of life.
A DISGUSTED DARKEY.
An industrious and econominal darkey
living in Western Pennsylvania, after tie
cumulating a house and lot, thought his
next purchase should be in the way of live
stock, and so bought a sheep of the male
persuasion. His favorite amusement du
ring leisure hours was to get down on the
grass and nod defiance to the animal, which
would mako*avage plunges at tho apparent
enemy. But as the savage creature ap
proa/'lied, the darkey would drop his face
to the ground so that the sheep, missing
his mark, would tumble over and over.
One day the darkey called ft couple of
passing neighbors to see the fun, and ftp
began his little farce, as usual. The sheep
did not see him at first, but presently raised
liis head from the grass on which he was
grazing and frowned upon him.
"Oh, ji.i wateli him now !" said Sambo in
great glee.
Old Buckey made a rash as was his want,
and Sambo suddenly dropped his face to
the ground. But as the fiends would have
if, his Hat nose came in contact with n sharp
snug lie hadn't observed before, and he
jerkoil back 1 iis head in time to receive the
full shock of the sheep's head between lii.s
nose and wool.
There was such a roaring arid tumbling
over and over for tbe next quarter of a min
ute that the neighbors could not tell which
was the sheep and which was the darkey.
They soon got separated, and Mr. Darkey
got slowly up, grinned, and said :
"Pun my word he nebber dun 'dat afore!
Gittin too smart for dis liiggah. I'se a
gwiue to stop foolin' with such a fellah as
dat."
There was plenty of mutton in tlris
neighborhood next day, but his sheepsliip
was never seen again.
Hoiiiujile. —Miss Flora Gushing was by
all acknowledged Fashion's Queen, and
many a scene of splendor grand was by her
subjects seen ; and she went, so the nobs
all went—whate'er she did was well—she
joined the Saratoga ring, and soon became
the belle. Her form and face were fault
less -her name without stain—her dress
was locomotive-like, it had so long a train ;
but dire misfortune seized the girl, and
caused her mournful end ; disease it took
her off right straight—'twas called the Gre
cian Bend. She grew much worse, yet she
received, not pity, but abuse ; and though
she never had looked fast, they said she
then looked loose. Her parents were in
deepest grief—their hearts with pain were
rent—yet still the girl with Grecian Bend
kept following her bent. At last, when
she found her friends and parents troubled,
anil tliat her form lost half its charms, al
thought she thought it doubled, she said
henceforth she'd stand erect—which when
she tried to do, she'd grown so stiff that, |
by my word, the damsel broke in two !
■!
E nuts'irv. —Eternity lias no gray hairs 1"
The Howers fade, the heart withers, man
grows old and dies ; the world lies down in
the sepulchre of ages but time Writes no
wrinkles on the brow of eternity.
Eternity ! Stupendous thought ! The
ever present, unborn, uudecayiug, undying
—the endless chain, compassing the life of
God—the golden thread, entwining the dos
tiuies of the universe.
Earth has its beauties, but time shrouds
them for the grave ! its honors, they are
but as the gilded sepulchres ; its p SSOH
oiuns ! they are but bursting babbles. Xot
so in the untired bourne.
Tn the dwelling of the Almighty can
come no footsteps of decay. Its {lay will
know no darkening—eternal splendors for
bid the approach of night. Its fountains
will never fail ; they are fresh from the eter
nal throne. Its glory will never Wane, for
there is the ever present God. Its harmo
nies will never cease ! exhauntless love sup
plies the song.
fiaj' A young lady onec married a man
by the name of Dust, against the wish of
her parents. After a short time they lived
i unhappily together, and sho returned to
her father's house ; but he refused to re
ceive her, saying : "Dust thou art and un
| to Dust thou slialt return."
fky'-A negro recently chop]>ed the head
| of a white girl to pieces in Georgia to get
i possession of three dollars and twenty
j cents. An additional fact to show why the
I XVth Amendment should be ratified.
SYMPTOMS OF OLD MAID ISM.
i 9% I .11 •infc7tt&B9itolV
A Scotch paper thus details the nr.:
When a woman begins to drink her tea
without sugar—that's a symptom.
When a woman liegins to read love stor
ies alied—that's a symptom.
When a woman gives a sigh on hearing
of a wedding—that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to iy that she's
refused many an offer—that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to say what a
dreadful set of creatnres men are, and that
she wouldn't be bothered with one of them
for the world —that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to eliange her
shoes every time she conies into tho house
after a walk —that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to have a little
dog trotting after her—that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to have a cat at
her elbow at meal times, and gives it sweet
ened milk —that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to be ashamed to
take off her bonnet in a gentleman's com
pany because she's got no cap on—that's a
symptom.
When a woman sees babies crying, anu
says that she wouldn't bu.troublcd with
.them—that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to say that a ser
vant lass has no business to liuvo a sweet
heart —that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to go to bod with
her stockings and a llannel night-cap on—
that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to rubber fingers
ovtr the chairs and tables to tee ii they
are dusty—that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to put lu r linger
before her mouth when she is talking to
any oue, for fear they should see she's toss
ing her teeth—that's a symptom.
When a womans begins to talk about
rheumatism iu her knees and elbows— that s
a symptom.
When'a woman begins to refuse" to tell
her age that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to find fault with
her looking-glass, and my it doesn't *h(
the features right—that's a symptom.
When u woman begins talking about
cold drafts, and stops up all the crevices in
the doors and windows—that's a symptom.
A Tocoh Stoiiy.' — "Talk about bed
bugs!" said Bill Jones, who had boeii
across the Plains. "Yon should havo seen
some of the critters I met iu Idaho lust
spring. I stopped one night with aonle
settlers who lived in a log cabin, contain
ing one room and a loft. When it came
time to'gbto bed they strung u blanket
across tbe middle of the room, nnd the
settler's family slept on one side of it ana
gave me the other. I laid down to go to
slet>p, and the bedbugs began to gather
like lunch eaters around a free "lay out."
I tried to kiver up nud keep away from 'em
but the pesky varmints would catch .held
of the 1h*(1 clothes and pull tln-m from me.
They didn't think nathin' of dragging me
around the room if I held on.. i tit 'em
till about midnight, aud then I looked
around for some way of escape. There
was a ladder reach in' up into the left, and
I thought the best way to get away from
the blood-suckers was to get up tliar. So i
did. There wasn't any bugs in the loft, so
I laid down, congratulating myself on my
escape. Pretty quick 1 heard tho ladder
squeakxu' as if somebody was eoi iin' up.
Birneby I saw a bedbug raise himself up
through tho hole made in tlielioor and
looked carefully around the loft. Boon's
he saw inc he motioned to his ehbnis le
low —the bloodthirsty Mues—and cried cx
ultingly, "Come up, boys ;he's here '.
Masks.— lf we could only read each
other's hearts, we should lie the kinder to
each other. If we keep the woes and bit
ternesses and physical annoyance of our
neighbors, wo should moke allowances for
tlieui which we do not know. \\ ugo about j
masked* uttering stereotyped sentiments, j
hiding our heart-pangs and our headache? j
as carefully as we can;"and yet we woiidex j
that others do not discover \h- ai by iututioa. j
We cover our best feelings from the light: I
we do not so conceal our resent men and
our dislikes, of which we are prone to be.
proud. Often two people sit close rrigelhur
with "X love yon in either iivfin, ;ftid
neither knows it. Each tlanJo ' i could
be fond; but what use of wasting loudness
on one, who does n X care far ft V' AWho
they part, and go their, ways alone. Bw
is a masquerade, at which few ■ paiQask,
even to therr very dearest-i •Anit though'
there is need of uawlt niaslrhfig, t*ouU t$
Heaven we dared to show plainly' qur iv.il
faoos, from birth to death,. for thefe x<>me
few, at least, would truly lxive each other.
This is old but trac. - —<
a * 1
! An. exchange says ; "A iiw Bun
| day nights ago a fair damsel, who wa? omi
j ing out of oue of the churches, was ap
i preached by a gallant young man, who re
' quested the pleasure of "Seeing her borne "
' The fair one replied : "No, sir, if ywiwMi
to go homo with me, yon must go with uie
' to church, sit with me during the exercises
! and thus show yourself worthv of the liOii-
I or."
- ... ■ - 5* .
- r"~4
I SSL* A gentleman on taiiiug avqlumn to
, be bound, was tusked if lie would have ik
' hound in Russia.
"Russia is too far off. I will have it
| done here."
'ERMS, $2.00 Per ANNUM, in Advance
i\o. 36.
; iUiSf & fJtliErfoisc.
Woman—a delusion that man likes
to hug. . .
Irj' What is the key note to good breed
ing.? B natural.
fits?" Why is a lien immortal ? Her snn
(son i never sets.
foil" Old juaids—Euibers from which
the spark*have lied.
• What class of city people raise the
most flour? The bakers.
r<-X'" - Why is a lover like a knocker ? He
is boned to adore Indoor.)
t if If B:iran should lose his tail, where
would he find another ? "Whew they re
tail.spirjts.
Why is Twitch; U, (t!io Philadelphia
" murderer,) the strongest manfn the world ?
Because lie levelled a Hill with a poker.
TO'; A tombstone in Maine, erected to a
memory* of a wife, bears the inscription:
"Tears cannot restore lier; therefore I
weep."
BUicASTiC— I "Can you trust mo, Mr.
Butcher, for a little meat this morning ? "
"No,yon og-e mc for tliat already on
your Uoues."
tfeL. Josh Billing s\s, "lam violently
opposed tew ardent fpeerits as a beverage,
but for raanufacturin' purposes I think a
little of it/tastes good."
—V r "♦>
t- "What kind of education do you
lnwy- chiefly in your school ?" "A willow
branch, sa*. the toaster has Used almost a
whole tree." ~ ' -v
Jtlj:. Au :.djuLa..t of a volunteer corps,
being doubtful vhethur ho had distributed
muskets to all tli men, cried: "All of
you tltat are without arms hold up your
hands."
V.y* "How many children hare I ? " ask
ed a woman of a spirit rapper. "Four."
"And how many have IV " asked her hus
band. * 'Two," was the astonished reply.
A mistake somewhere.
■"™* • 'T™ " 1 ' i
—
TOO A good sort of a man in Maine was
recently asked to subscribe for a chandelier
for the church. "Now," said lie, "what's
the use of rt chandelier ? After yon get it
you cau'i get any cue io phiy bu it."
K3"* Yn kau jmlge of a man's religion
very well by hi aria' him talk, butyu kaut
judge of his piety by what he sez, anymore
than yu knn jtnlgmof his amount ov linen
by the'-lick out "ov 111-, 'collars and wrist
bands. '
f -v* An nmoions swain wrote to his
friend : "Dear Harry—Yon asked me What
kind of a game i am placing with Jack
(bullam for Clarissa's hand i have to say
in reply, it is a game of double or quits,
and the result is. I double and he quits."
—— —<•-
A gentleman, after having paid liis
:uldr<isses to a young lady for pome time,
"pipped the ques.Tiou." The lady, in a
frightened manner, said, 'you scare ine, sir.'
The gentleman did not wish to frighten
theli.ly. mid Cv>n cqtieiitly remained guii-t
fgr some tiuiu, win-ii she exclaimed 'Jpciue
me again."
• Tli. - Xollowiug startling thivat was
made use of the nLh.-r day by an exrited
pugilist: .. , ,; Ai
| . "Hi twin: you rouuJ your neck nud ram
) yon down your own throat until there is
! nothing left of you but the extreme ends of
I v tr shirt coUxr.stT king out of your eyes."
| ThM eppon- nit
i-i A yomig gentleman, in ascertain
ibudiießß lionsH. hiving tarried much long
er hh'hivboHrdie house than was thought
| Try" "v th.mm ;ming meal, vas-a.-ked
j on his relurn, in a joking way, what lie had
' ( for bre-iiff rsl-? lb* -replied candidly "A
jV'tp of eoflce, a mutton chop, and''some
i mystery. ** "My Tory I" said the employer.
I "What's that V" not having been thor
i
- - i . , ■ A
j .of boai'iliig' house hi.'.. "Why," ;u*wvr
: cd tiio other, ""that is liaslu" •
' " ' ' ___■ - . j
M If
npT . A college professor was being rowed
across a .stream in n boat. Said ho-to the
boatman :
."Do you uudeixlaUu philosophy ? f
"N>. uevev inaaxl of it." j#
"Then one quarter of your life is fgiue."
I "Do you, nnderstiuid geologv ?"
' A.v "
ipil¥ o -i i Ml . OW
"Thim, remarked the professor, threi -
fourths of your life in-gone."
' But presently the boat tipped over and
spilled both in the river. Says the boat
man :
►a you f wim ? *
"ho!" repla d Hie. professor, great ly
t'ngt rated.
"Then the whole ot yonr life Is gone."