Slpming gfjßfe Dnuorrot,
HARVEY SICKLEU, Publisher
VOL. VIII.
iUpming ©literal
Democratic weekly _ i _
• HARVEY SICKIER
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Busin ess Notices.
r ITTLE A ATTORNEYS. Office
la on Warren Street Tunkhannuck Pa.
W. E. LITTLE. J- A.SITTBKE.
1 I H. OOOPEI, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
I i. Newton Centre, Luzerno County Pa.
OL, PAtllffl. ATTORNEY AT LAW.
• Ofii-e at the Court House, in Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. Pa.
11/ M. iM. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW of-
V ? fice in Stark's Brick. Block Tioga St., Tunk
n irinoek, Pa.
T J NIASIFC. ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL
1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
Especial attention given to settlement of dece
dent's estates
Nicholson, Pa., Dec. 5, 18g7—v"nl9yl
MJ. WILBOK, ATTORNEY AT LAW, Col
• lecting and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands
for sale. Scranton, l'a. 38tf.
/YSTEHUOCT A DEWITT, Attorneys' at Law—
V Office, opposite the Rank, Tunkhanuock, Pa.
I' >l. OsTEKHOUT. Oh. DEWITT
r W. RHOADri. PHYSICIAN A SURGEON,
J. will attend promptly to all calls in his pro
fession. May be found at his Office at the Drug
Store, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
occupied by A. K. l'cckham Esq.
Oil, E. F. AVERV'SMSjSM
IIKNTAI. OFFICE. "mHO |
Over Burn's Bros., Jewelry Store. Tnnkhaunoek, Pa.
All the various styles of Dental work scientifically
done and warranted. Particular attention given to
iiranrtitening irregnlar or ilelicient teeth. r
Examinations made, and advice given without
ek.irge. Ethereal Spray administered when desired.
Chloroform administered under direction of a Physi
cian. The advantages of employing a local and re
s;onlble dentist are apparent to all. vBn27t.
Prof. J. Berlinghof.
iflsljioiiablf Barber S t]air-(Cutter,
AT TUNK CANNOCK, PA.
IIAIR Woven, and Braided, for Switches, or Curled,
and Waterfalls of every size and style, manufactur
ed to order. _ __
The highest market priegs paid for Ladies' Hair,
Ail the approved kinds of llair Restorers and
Ihe.-iiig constantly kept on hand and sold at Man
ufacturers retail prices.
llair and Whiskers colored to every natural
she <e.
JACOB BERLINGHOF.
Tunk., l'a. Jan. 5, '69. —vSu22-tt,
PACIFIC HOTEL,
170, 172, IT* At 170 Greenwich Street.
(ONE loou ABOVE CORTLANDr STREET, NEW YORK.)
The unpersigned takes pleasure in announcing to
fi-numerous friends and patrons thai from this
date, the charge of the Pacific will be
$2.50 PER DAY.
Being sole Proprietor of this house, and therefore
f fr .in the too common exaction of an Inordinate
r :.t. he IS fully able to meet the downward tenden
cy nt prices without any falling oil of service.
If will now as heretofoie, be his aim to maintain
un.linoshed the favorable reputation of the Pacific,
which it has enjoyed for many years, as one of the
bet of travelers' hotels.
THE TABLE wilt be bountifully supplied with
every delicacy of the season.
THE ATTENDANCE will be found efficient and
an ! obliging.
THE LOCATION will be found convenient for
tin whose business calls them in the lower part of
t- ■ city, and of ready access to all Kail lioad and
Steamboat Lines.
JOHN PATTEN.
Oct 10th 18G8. nlB-Cm.
HUFFQRD HOUSE.
TUNKHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA
r riILS ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY
1 been refitted and turnished in the latest style.
Lierv attention will be given to the comfort and
ton sentence of those who patronize the House.
H, HM'FORD. Proprietor.
Tnnkhiinnock, Pa., June 17, 1868.—-7n44.
BOLTON HOUSE.
HAKHISHUhtiy I'KNNA.
Tin* undersigned having lately purchased the
' bi'UHLER HOUSE " property, has already com
tueneeil such alterations and improvements as will
render this old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior, to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg,
V c"niinuance of the public patronage is refpect
'uily solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
Til Kll IN NOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.
i'ill* oslablishmeLt has recently been refitted an
furnished ip tue latest style Every attention
*ol be given to the comfort and convenience of those
•ao patronize the IIouc.
T. li WALL, Owner and Proprietor:
TunkUannock, September 11, 1861.
TUNKHAMOCK WYOMING CO., PA., -WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 1869.
The new Broom still
new!
AND WITH THE NEW YEAR,
l Will be used with more sweeping effect than bereto
| fort,by largo additions from time to time, of Choice
ann desirable QOODS, at the
HXT ew Store
OF
C DETRICK,
to S, Stark's Bri:k Block
AT TUNKHANNOCK, PANN'A.
Where can be 'ound, at all times, one of the Largest
und Richest assortments ever offered in this vicinity,
Consisting of
BLACK AND FANCYCOL'RD DRESS
SILKS,
FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS,
EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS,
POPLINS, SERGES, and PAREMETTOS,
BLACK LUSIIE AND COLORED
ALPACCAS WOOL, ARMI'RE, PEKIN
AND MOI'SELIEU DBLAINB, INPORTED
AND DOMESTIC GINGHAMS, PRINTS
of Best Manufactures,
—to:
Ladies Cloths and Saequeings,
FURS, SIIAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN
GOODS, AC.. LADIES RETICULES,
SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS.
TRUNKS, VALISES, and TRAVELING
BAGS,
:o:
Hosiery and Gloves, Ladies' Vesta, White
Goods, and Yamkee notions
in endlessva
liety.
110 OPSKIR TS fc CORSETTS,
direct from the manufacturers, at greatly
reduced prices.
PLAXXELS all Colors and Qualilix.
KNIT GOODS,
Cloths,
C|ssimeres,
Vestings,
Cot too ad es,
Sheetings,
Shirtings,
Drills,
Denims,
Ticks, Stripes, &c.
Every Description of
BOOTS A- SHOES,
HATS & CAPS.
Paper Hangings, Window Shades, Cur
tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil-
Cloths, Crockery, Glass and Stoneware.
Tinware,
Made expressly for this trade, and war
ranted to give Satisfaction, at 20 per cent,
cheaper than the usual rates in ibis section.
HARDWARE & CUTLERY, of all
kinds,
SILVER PLATED WARE,
Paiuts, Oils, and Painters Materials,
Putty, Window Glass, Ac.
KEROSENE 'OIL,
Chandeliers,
Lamps,
Lanterns,
Lantern Glares,
Lamp Chimneys,
Shades and
Curuers.
COAL,
ASHTOX, \ DRL. SALT
FLOUR.
FEED.
MEAL,
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
LARD,
PORK,
HAMS,
and FISH.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE
SPICES.
SYRUP, A
MOLASSES,
WOOD A WILLOW WARE,
ROPES, CORDAGE,
PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYES,
FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ac,
-:o:
These goods have been selected
with great care to suit the wants of
this community, and will be sold as
heretofore, at the lowest living rates
for cash or exchanged for country
produce at market prices. Thankful
for the past liberal patronage, I shall
endeavor by strict attention to my
business, to merit a continuance of
the same, and will try to make the
future still more attractive and ben
eficial to customers.
C. DETRICK.
laeteg.
THE BAREFOOT BOY.
BV JOBS a. WHITTIKK.
Blessings on thee, little man
Barefoot boy, with cheeks of tan 1
With upturned pantaloons,
And thy merry, whistled tunes—
With thy red lip, redder still
Kissed by strawberries on the hill—
With the sunshine on thy face,
Through thy torn brim, jaunty grace;
From my heart I give ye joy,
I was once a barefoot boy.
O! for boyhood's painless play,
Sleep that wakes In laughing day,
Health that knocks the doctor's rules,
Knowledge never learned at schools,
Of the wild bee's morning chase,
Of the wild flower's time and place,
Flight of fowls and habitude,
Of the tenants of the wood, ,
How the tortoise bears his shell,
How the woodchuck digs his cell,
And the ground-mole sinks his well,
How the robin feeds her young,
How the oriole's nest is hung;
Where the whitest lilies grow,
WherojUe freshest berries grow,
Where the ground nut trails his vino,
Where the wood-grape clusters shine;
Of the black wasp's cunning way,
Mason of his wall of clay,
And the architectural plans,
Of gray-hornet artisans!
For eschewing books and tasks,
Nature answers all he asks;
Hand In hand with her he walks,
Faco to face with her he talks,
Part and parcel of her joy-
Blessings on the barefoot boy !
Cheerful, then, ray little man,
I.ive and laugh, as boyhood can,
Though the flinty slopes be hard,
Stubble spread the new morn sward,
Every morn shall lead thee through
Fresher baptism of the dew;
Every evening from thy feet.
Shall the cool winds kiss the heat;
In the prison cell of pride,
Lose the freedom of the sod,
Like the colt for work we shod.
Made to tread the mills of toll,
T'p and down the ceaseless moll —
Happy If thy track be fonnd
Never on forbidden ground—
Happv If they sink not in
If utek and treacherous sands of sin,
Ah ! that thee may know the joy,
Ere it passes, barefoot boy.
JOSH BILLINGS ON L AFFIX. —Laflin is
strictly an amusement, altlio som folks
mako a bizziness of it.
It lias been considered an index of cliar
akter, and tliere is som so close at reason
ing that they can toll what a man liad for
dinner bi seeing him laff.
I never saw two laff alike.
While there are sum who don't make en"
ny noise, there are sum who don't make
anything but noise—and sum agin who
have music in their lad. and others who
laff just as a rat does who has caught a
steel trap with his tail.
There is a mistake in the ossershuns that
it is no comfort to hear sum laffs that come
romping out of a man's mouth like a dis
trict skool of young girls just let out tow
play.
Men who never laff may have good hearts
but they ane deepseated—like some springs
they have their inlet aud outlet from below
and show no sparkling buble on the brim.
I don't like a giggler ; his kind of laff is
like a dandyliou, a broad peller with not a
bit of good smell about it.
It is true that enny kind of a laff, if it is
honest, is better than none, but give me
the laff that looks out of a man s eye, fust
to see if the coast is clear, then steals down
into tho dimple of his c-hcek and in eddy
tliar awile, then waltzes a spell at tho cor
ner of his mouth like a thing of life, then
bursts its bonds ov beauy, and fills the air
for a moment with a shower ov silver-ton
tongued sparks, then steals*back with a
smile tew lay ill the heart tew watch again
for its prey —that is a kind of a laff I luv
and ain't afeered ov.
WARNING TO YOUNG MEN. —Charles Lamb
told his sail experience, as a warning to
young men, in thu following language:
"The waters have gone over me. But out
of the black depths, could I be heard, I
would cry out to all those who have set a
foot in the perilous flood. Could the youth
to whom the flavor of the first wiue is as
delicious as the opening scenes of life or
the entering upon some newly discovered
paradise, look into my desolation, and be
made to understand how dreary it is when
he shall feel himself going down a precipice
with open eyes and a passive will to his des
truction and have no human power to stop
it, and yet feel it all the way emanating
from hinself; to see all godliness emptied
out of him, and yet not able to forget a
time when it was otherwise; to bear the
piteous spectacle of his own ruin ; could
he see my fevered eye, fevered with last
night's drinking, and feverishly looking
for to night's repeating of the folly ; could
he but feel the body of death out of which
I cry hourly with feebler outcry to be de
livered, it were enough to mako him dash
the sparkling beverage to the earth, in all
the pride of its mantling temptation'"
"lIRIU A young man rushed through the
streets of Toledo, Ohio, the other day, fol
lowed by a very excited German. The lat
ter was shouting as he ran : "he ish going
emit der reever, uuder der ice under, for to
suicide commits. " Several citizens joined
in the chase, and the fugitive was captur
ed just in time to prevent % him from leaping
into the half-frozen river
"To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Bight."
THE PIOUS ROBBER.
During my twenty-five years of actual
service as detective, I have found many
who have stolen the livery of heaven to
serve the devil in.
One morning I stepped into Chief Mat
sell's oflice, having just returned from the
West, when I was accosted by the Chief :
"Hullo, Harry ! glad to see you ; there is
work ahead."
"What's up uow ? another murder?" I
exclaimed.
"No, its a robbery ; or, as I should say#
a series of robberies."
"Where away ?"
"Bond street."
"What, not ou Bond street!" I cried, as
tonished, for during my absence I bad
heard of frequent robberies living commit
ted on that particular street.
"Yes Harry this is the tenth robbery
there inside of two weeks," replied Matsell.
" "Cuu it be fathomed ?"
"I know not; in fact we had no one to
work it up."
"Where's Bolt aud Kuight ?"
"On that murder case in Newark."
"And Charley Ross ?"
"He has just finished the Chattertown
forgery case, and is expected here to-mor
row. So, Howard, you will have to work
up this one."
"I'll try it, hut I cannot go to work till
morning, for I must rest."
"All right," returned the Chief, and I
left tho headquarters.
The many robberies that had taken place
on Bond street were very mysterious, and
no trace could be had of the depredator,
for they seemed to have been committed by
one person. Detectives from Philadelphia
vflfrked at the case a while, but went home
no wiser than they came.
I had worked up many difficult cases,
aud was considered a first-rate detective —
that is by our chief—and nearly all the"
mysterious aud intricate work was placed
in my liands.
As I entered tho headquarters the suc
ceeding morning I was 1 tailed by Matsell;
"Another robbery last night Harry."
"Not on Bond street, I hope."
"Yes it is there again."
"The devil," I cried, perfectly astonish
ed.
"It is either his satanic majesty or his
imps," said the chief, a smile upon his face.
"Who was visited last night ?"
"Mrs. Durant, the Irish widow. She
was here this morning, and said that she
htul been robbed of valuables amounting to
over five thousand dollars."
"Whew!" I exclaimed. "That was a
big liauL"
"Now, Howard, you had better go and
examine the scene of tho robbery, and do
as you think best."
I left tho oflice and ere long stood upon
the marble steps of Mrs. Duraut's stone
front. A servant bado me enter, and I was
conducted to the parlor, where I found the
widow bathed in tears. She quickly look
ed up and drew lior hands across her eyes.
"I am Harry Howard," I said, byway of
introduction.
"Mr. Howard, the doteotivo ?"
"The same, madam."
"Y'ou come to investigate the matter, do
you not ?"
"I do. I would like to see tho room
where you kept your valuables."
"Follow tue," said tho widow ; and she
led me up stairs to a small room where her
jewels had been kept.
Things were in a topsyturvy condition.
Drawers lay on the floor with their con
tents scattered about tho room. Tito iron
safe had been broken open and the money
and jewels extracted. I noticed that there
was a stain of blood upon one of the draw
ers, and concluded that the burgular had
injured himself iu some way, while com
mitting his depredations.
The next moment I picked up a part of
an envelope which was saturated with blood.
I examined it closely, and found that it had
been addressed to "Rev. Noah Newton,
New York."
I hastily thrust it into my pocket, and
turning to the window, said :
"Mrs. Durant, do you know the Rev.
Noah Newton, of fliis city ?"
"Oh, yes, he is our pastor ; but you do
not suspect liim ?"
"Oh, no, I was requested to inquire
about him by a friend."
"Then you have found no cluo," said the
widow as I rose to go.
"I have not madam. This is the most
complicated case I have ever engaged on.
But I have one more question to ask."
' 'Proceed sir."
"Can yon describe any article that has
been stolen !"
"Oh, yes —there was my betrothal ring.
It was given me by Mr. Durant many years
ago, but he is dead now."
"Please describe it," I said impatiently.
"It was a heavy gold ring, the letters "T.
D." engraved on it."
"That will do," said I, and the next min
ute I was walking rapidly towards my
lodgings. For a long while I thought of
the case upon which I was engaged. I
could not believe that Mr. Newton was the
burglar, but then the question arose how
came that bloody envelope in tho widow's
room ?
But I must see the minister and know J
more about him. I sauntered down Broad- j
way and stepped into a store to purchase
some articles which I stood in need of.
While making the purchase, a man stepped
in and asked for some- things which liad
been left for Noah Newton.
"Are you Mr. Newton ?" asked the clerk.
"I am, sir."
"Bob, run up stairs and get Mr. New
ton's things," cried the clerk to an errand
boy.
Bob hurried off up stairs, while I con
tinued in studyiug Newton's face, I had ex
pected to see a person of sinister counte
nance, but was wofully mistaken.
He was a man about twenty-eight years
of age, with a cleanly shaved face, and was
neatly dressed. His eyes were large and
expressive, and the noble looking forehead
told that he was intelligent. I thought he
needed watching, and I determined to do
it. When he left the store I watched him,
but he weut directly to his boarding-houso.
The next night I watched Newton's :
house and saw him come forth and walk
away. I followed, and he led me through i
street after street, uutil we entered R
street. Was ho going to a gambling hell ? 1
Yes, it was true. I followed suit, and 1
saw my man seat himself at a faro table.
He bet heavily, hut lost, and at last laid <
his last dollar upon the table. This time i
he won, and continued to do so until he
was a thousand dollars ahead. He then
left tho room and went to his boarding
house. i
Night after night I followed to and from i
the gambling house, but learned nothing
more.
But success was to come. One night I i
was looking ut some gold pens in a jewelry
store, when a woman entered and stood
near me. Her person glittered with dia- i
monds. As she turned her face towards
me I saw Anna ltodman, one of the many
women of New York who
"Barter their souls for the means of life."'
As she laid her hand upon the counter I
saw a plain gold ring glistening on one of
her fingers. I leaned forward, looked at
the ring, and saw the letters "T. D." en
graved upon it. I knew it instantly. It
was the betrothal ring of which Mrs. Du
rant had been robbed.
How came Anna in possession of that
ring ? I must ascertaiu ;so I hastily pur
chased the pen, and took my station out
side of the store to await her exit. She
came out at last and walked rapidly away.
I followed her through severai streets, un
til when in the vicinity of the Battery, she
was joined by a man, who, as the light of a
lamp fell upon his face, I recognized Noah
Newtow, the minister. The two entered a
house near by. Presently Newton came
out uad walked away without being fol
lowed.
After waiting an hour longer I saw Anna
come from the building. I stepped for
ward and laid my hand upon her shoulder.
"Who are you ?"
"Harry Howard."
"A detective ?" Yes I've heard of you."
"Anna; I am engaged in legitimate busi
ness, and I want you to assist in catching a
villian."
"I will do if I can, sir."
' 'Then please inform me who gave you
that riug ?" I said pointing to the stolen
ring which was 3till on her finger.
"Noah Newton, a young man who lives
on S street."
"Was it the person whom you met
awhile ago ?"
"It was, sir."
"Then, Anna, that ring belongs to Mrs.
Durant, and that man whom you met to
night is a preacher, and tho celebrated
Bond street robber."
"Why you don't say so ! He said ho was
a jeweler, and gave many pretty things !"
"Will you keep this conversation as you
would a secret, Anna ?"
"Yes sir ; and I hope yon will catch him,"
she answered and walked away.
It was ten o'clock now, but I determined
to visit the widow. She received me kind
ly, but her face wore a look of disappoint
ment when I told her I had no clue of the
robber. After we had talked awhile she
said :
"Our pastor preaches his farewell ser
mon to-morrow."
"His farewell sermon !" I eriod, utterly
astonished.
"Yes, he leaves for California immediate
ly after the services are concluded. His
brother has written for him to come. His
congregation will be sorry to part with him,
and I especially, for he comforted me when
I was in sorrow, and pointed me to the
Lamb of God !"
"The hypocrite !" I mentally exclaimed.
I left the widow in a hurry and went to
headquarters, got Charley Ross and pro
ceeded to Newton's house to arrest him.
But the bird had flown. He had gone, his
housekeeper said, to spend the night with a
friend in the lower part of the city.
We were chagrined at our defeat and re
solved to arrest him before he reached the
church. We went to the church at an
early hour, but our game was already there,
and the choir was singing. We entered
and occupied a back seat ; we were obliged
to do so, for the church was filled with peo"
pic who had come to hear the farewell
i discourse.
Tho preacher arose took his text, which
I think read as follows : ' 'Be yc holy ; for I
jam holy." The discourse was a Bplendid
[ one, in which his talents shone with all
their brightness. He concluded by exhort
i ing his hearers to tdMe him as an example,
and follow him as he followod Christ!
When the services were concluded, he
descended from the pulpit to receive the i
farewells of his congregation. The ladies j
gathered round him to receive the parting
kiss. At last he started towards the door.
"Now's your time, Harry," whispered {
Charley Ross, as Newton neared me. t
I stepped up to tho pious robber, and
grasping his arm, cried out:
"Mr. Newton, in the name of the com- (
mouwealth of New York, 1 arrest you. I
"What for ?" he stammered out.
"For the Bond street robberies. "
He turned pale as death, and many of the a
women fainted. His hand moved towards j
his coat pocket, but it did not reach it.
"Quick, Charley the bracelets !" I
The next instant Charley Ross sprang
forward and clasped the handcuffs ou, and j
Air. Newtou was marched off amid tho ,
shrieks aud groans of tho congregation.
When his trial came oil he made a full con
fession, ad he went to tsing fsing for a
term of fifteen years.
All the fruits of his robberies were re- j ,
covered save the mouey, and Anna Ilod-
man willingly gave up the widow's ring. j
After a few weeks later I was presented
with a line gold watch by the people of ]
Bond Btroet, whose church is in charge of t
a minister who is not a wolf in sheeps i
clothing. ' I
t
A YOUNG LADY'S BOLIDOQCY.— UseIess,
aimless through life —what was I born for?
For somebody's wife my mother says. — <
Well, that being true, somebody keeps him- >
self entirely from view, and if naught but
marriage will settie my fate, I believe I c
shall live in an unsettled state. For though i
I am not ugly—pray what woman is ?—you
might easily find a more beautiful phiz ;
and those who seek for perfection seek here ,
in vain. Nay, in spite of these drawbacks, i
my heart is perverse, and I should not feel f
grateful "for better or worse," to take the s
first booby who graciously came and offer- 1
ed me those treasures—his home and liis \
name. I think, then, my chances of mar
riage are small, but why should I think of
such chances at all ? My brothers are all f
of them younger than I, yet they tlirive in <
the world, and why not let mo try ? I i
know that in business lam not an adapt, 1
because from such business most strikingly ,
kept; but this is tho quesiion that troubles
my mind : Why am I not trained up to
work of some kind ? Useless, aimless,
drifting through life, why should I wait i
to be somebody's wife ? <
—
POETRY GONE MAD.— Some unknown
poet mounts his Pegassus and glides away
into the realms of bliss after the following j
style:
"Of all the joys vouchsafed to man in
life's tempestuous whirl, there's naught ap- j
proachea heaven so near as dauciug with a j
girl—a rosy, laughing, buxom girl; a frank ]
good-natured, honest gill; a feeling, flirt
ing, floating, smiling, smacking, jolly, jok- j
ing, jaunty, jovial, poser-poking, dear lit
tle duck of a girl. Pile up your wealth a ]
mountain high, you sneering, scoflling
churl, I'll laugh as I go dashing by with
my dear, delightful girl—the brightest,
dearest, sweetest girl; the trimmest, gay- i
est, neatest girl; the funniest, flushest,
frankest, fairest, roundest, ripest, roguish
est, rarest, spunkiest, spiciest, squirmiest, ,
squarest, best of girls, with drooking lash- ,
es, half concealing amorous flashes -just ,
the girl for the chap like me to court, and
love, and marry, you see—with rosy chocks
aud clustering curls, tho sweetest and best
of girls."
jJaF" A clergyman was reproving an old
farmer for his revengeful conduct towards
them that had offended him. "You should
love your enemies," observed the parson ;
"and preserve an affection for those that
hurt you." "I do love my enemies," re
torted the sou of the plough ; "and have a
groat affection for them that hurt me." —
"No such thing," returned the clergyman.
"You don't love your enemies." "Ido."
"Who nro the enemies you love ? " "Rum
and cider."
Gen. Grant's first military order as
President, assigns Sheridan to the only
place for which his unfitness and incompe
tency had been completely demonstrated ;
and after sending to the most prominent
stations generals of lower rank and less
brilliant services than the only genera
named as his competitor for the Presiden
cy, Hancock namely,—him General Grant
sends to Dakota. This is magnanimous.
"SAVED." —We were amused with the re
mark of an old lady who was admiring the
beautiful picture called "Saved."
"It's no wonder," says she, "that the
poor child fainted, after pulling the great
dog out of the water."
fcgc* A doctor up town recently gave the
following prescription for a lady : "Anew
bonnet, a cashmere shawl, and a new pair
' of gaiter boots." The lady, it is needless to
say, has entirely recovered.
Misery loves company—So docs a mar-j
i riageable young lady.
TERMS, $2.00 Per ANNUM, in Advance.
' NO. 35.
pise & pjiEcfow.
to?" Why are lazy-looking girls the moat
adored? Because they are 'idle-eyes-ed."
toe"* When may a man be said to break
fast before he gets up ? When he takes a
roll in bed.
toar* Why is a minister like a locomo
tive ? We have to look out for him when
the bell rings.
tob 1 * If all the letters in the alphabet were
to run a race, which letter would be sure to
be first in starting ? The letter s.
tod"- What is that which occurs once iu
a minute, twice in a moment, and not once
in a hundred years ? The letter AT.
toy"* ' 'Are theso calico horses painted ? "
asked an inquisitive lady at a circus, recent
ly. "Aye," replied the clown, "they are
'grained' every night and morning."
to?" A richly dressed lady stopping a boy
trudging along with a basket, and asked,
"My little boy, have you got religion ? "
"No, ma'am," said the innocent, "I've got •
potatoes."
lIKII AXD HAW.—A man about towu war
lately invited to a sewing-party. The next
day a friend asked iiim how the entertain
ment came off. ' 'Oh !it was very amusing,"
he replied, "the ladies hemmed and I haw
ed."
tod- The following are among the signs
of the shops of negro traders at Fort Smith
Arkansas: "Camphein Andburninflewd."
"Ches Nuts biled and Roar." "Cain seet
cheers Re seeted Hear." "Woshing, ironin
& going out doin dais wurks dun here."
tojy* A young lady school-teacher of In
dianapolis was one Sunday endeavoring to
impress upon her scholars the terrible ef
fects of the punishment of Nebuchaduez
zer. She told them that for seven years
he ate grass just like a cow. Just then a
little boy asked: "Did he give milk."
A Goon SPYGLASS. —An Irishman was
speaking of the excellence of a telescope.—
"Do you see that wee speck on the edge of
the hill yonder ? That, now, is my old pig,
though hardly to be seen ; but when I look
at him with my glass, it brings him so near
that I can plainly hear him grunt."
CAUSE OF CBOOKED EYES. —"I say mis
ter," said one. Yankee to another, "how
came your eves so crooked ? "
"My?"
"Yes."
' 'Why, sitting between two girls, and try
ing to make love to both at the same time."
toy- A lady, a regular shopper, who had
| made an unfortunate clerk tumble over
all the stockings in the store, objected that
nono were long enough.
"I want," she said, "the longest hose
that are made."
"Then, madam," was the reply, "you
had better apply to the next, engine-house."
toi>'* "Grandfather," said a saucy little
boy the other day, "how old aro you?"—
The old gentleman, who was much under
the ordinary size, took the child between
his knees, and said, "My dear boy, I am
seventy-live years old ; but why do you
ask ? " The little fellow replied, "Well, it
appears to mo you aro remarkably small of
your age."
STEAM DEFINED. —At a railway station an
old lady said to a very pompous-looking
gentleman who was talking about steam
communication :
"Pray, sir, what is steam ?"
"Steam, ma'am, is, ah ! —steam is, ah t
all ! steam is steam ! "
"I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said
a rough looking fellow standing by. "But
steam is a bucket of water iu a terrible per
spiration." •
ON LADIES' LETTERS.
A great many loves, and a great taamy
dears ;
A great many hopes, and a great many
fears ;
A great many tender, mast tender adieus,
Mixed up with a great deal of nonsense and
news;
A great many postscripts, soma long and
some short,
To prove that the writer is fruitful in
thought.
AN ARABS WOMAN'S OPINION.— AU Arab
woman was asked, ' 'What do you think of
a young man of twenty years ? "
"He is," she said "a bouquet of jasmine."
"And of a man of thirty ? "
"He is a ripe and well-flavored fruit."
"And one of forty ? "
s "He is a father of girls and boys ? "
f "And one of fifty ? "
"He may pass into the category of preach
' era."
"And one of sixty ?"
"Ho is good for nought but to cough and
groan."