Upming iMocrcit
HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher.
\ 7 OL. VIII.
iUpnting plutocrat.
v Veniocratte weekly
A • •
Y HA3VEV SICKIER
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JOB WORK
• ill k nds neatly executed and at"prices to suit
the times.
A 1 1 RANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB
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Business Notices.
I ITTI.I'7 <v Sir r*KR. ATTORNEYS. Office
1j "0 VVnrrcn Street Tunkltannock ia.
v.. E. LITTLE. J. A. SITTSF.B.
CVOPEI, PHYSICIAN A SUHQEON
rl. Newton Centre. Luzerne County Pa.
/ I 1,, rMIMB. attobkby at law.
' '• Office at the Court House, "in Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. Pa- "
U -VI. >l. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW Of
fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., T unk-
OiEnock, Pa _ -
T .1 CHASE, ATTORNEY AND COUNSBL
-1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
i>p©cial attention given to settlement of ueee
ient's estates #
Ni. Ujlijn, Pa. Dec 5, 19(j7—v7nl9yl
y T ,| \V 11.SON, ATTOKNFY AT LAW, Col
Ai. letting ami Real Estate Agent. lowaLand.
r tile. Scranton, Pa. • i "
-srrUHOT Tlt DEWITT, Attorneys' at Law—
' ' office, opposite the Bank, Tunkhannock
i> M. H-TERUOUT. L. DEWITT
T W. KHOAM, PHYSICIAN X SUK*N,
J. aill attend promptly to all cal,s ,n
..ion. May be found at his Office at the Dru„
re. or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
uj'iej by A. K. Peckham Esq.
SR. E. F. AVERY'SJgjS^
dental office, UTrZ^.,
r Burn's Bros., Jewelry Store. Tunkhaunock, Pa.,
All the various f ryles of Dental work scientifically
■ at' I warranted. Particular attention given to
s-'i.' ning irregular or deficient teeth.
liamiir.itions ma.lt-, and advice given WKtioUt
_• Etm-real spr iy administered when desired.
- mi administered under direction ola Fhjsl-
I! advantages of otnploying a local and
:.-il.r dentist are apparent to alf. num.
Prof. J. Berlinghof.
ijsbiinatilr Burlier & Ljuir-iCuttcr,
AT Tl NKHAXSOCK, PA.
iAIIt Woven, and Braided, far Switches, or Curled,
i I Waterfalls of every size and style, uianufactur
■ i > order. , „ .
The h'ghest market prices puid for ®adies llair.
ted kinds of Hair Restorers and
-- : tier ■ t'Stantly kept on hand and sold at Man
-1 tarer. retail prices. ,
11.ir ,nd Wui.-kers colored to every natural
JACOB BEKIiNGHOF.
Tatik . Pi. Jan. 5, '69. —vSn'JMf.
PACIFIC HOTEL,
170,172,174 a 176 Greenwich Street.
I i: AIKIVE ( OETLiSDr STttUBT, SEW TORE )
T u ■ reigned takes pleasure in announcing to
;o. r .us friends and patrons that from tins
• .-Uarge of the Pacific will bo
$2.50 PER DAY.
Proprietor of this house, and therefore
. * t<>*> common exaction of an inordinate
- lolly able t meet the downward tenden
• < without any falling oil of service,
ill nw, heretefene, la* his aim to maintain
■ i the favorable reputation of the Purine,
r1; ■ - enjoyed f'T many yehrs, as one ofthe
' * t iravi lers' hotels. .. . ...
fill: l ABLE will be bountifully supplied with
•ii i y of the season. .
hi. A ; l LNBANCK will bo found eificient and
Till; hiw"'ATION will be found convenient for
• *!; -e business calls them in the lower part of
. an.l ot ready access to all Kail Koad and
"lambuat Linos. _ .
JOHN PATTEN.
Oct bib iKoS. nIS-6m.
HUFFORI) HOUSE.
HIS KIIANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA
THI= F-TABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY
A 'em refinei and turnished in the latest style.
J attention will he given to the comfort and
t' tit-e of those who patronize the Iloase.
11, lIUFFoRD Proprietor.
I ririthn ii'- k, Pa., June 17, 1863. —v7n44.
BOLTON HOUSE.
"AKHISHUftO, I'FNNA.
. A';" undersigned having lately purchased the
1 hilLtK 110US H " property, has already com
' 4 -u h iterations and improvements as will
T 'hit old and popular House equal, if not sape
"t t<> any Hotel in the City of Harris burg.
A, "''n'itiuance of the pubiic patronage is refpect
allJ sc'.ieited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
... LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/
' V *HAN NOCK, WYOMING CO., PA
P"'" rcablishment has recently been refitted'an
t , 'arn shed in tbe latest stylo Every attention
, s'A-cn to the comfort and convenience of tbos#
' f&trooi/e the IL-use
, T. 15. WALL, Owner and Proprietor:
"""wmock, September 11, 1981.
TUNKHAMOCK WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, MARCH. 17,1869.
The new Broom stil!
new!
AND WITH THE NEW YEAH.
Will be used with mure tieeepivf effect than hereto
| fure,by large udditious from time to Rme, of Choice
ann desirable HOODS, at the
•
New Store
OP
C DETRICK,
in £h Stark's Bri:k Block
AT TDNKHANNOCK. PANN'A.
Where can be found, at all times, one of the Largest
and Richest assortments ever offered in this vicinity,
Consisting of
BLACK AND FANCY COL'RD DRESS
SILKS,
FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS.
EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS,
POPLINS, SERGES, and PAREMKTTOS,
BLACK LI'SHE AND COLORED
ALPACCAS W#OL, ARMURK, PEKIN
AND MOUSELIEU DELAINS, INPORTED
AND DOMESTIC GINGHAMS, PRINTS
of Best Manufactures,
Ladies Cloths and Saoqueings,
FURS, SHAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN
GOODS, AO, LADIES RETICULES,
SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS.
TRUNKS, VALISES, and TRAVELING
BAGSj
Hosiery and Gloveß, Ladies' Vests, White
Goods, and Yarnkee notions
in endless va
riety. #
II OOP SKIRTS Ar CORSETTS,
direct from the manufacturers, at greatly
reduc*?! prices.
FLANNELS all Colors and Qualities.
KNIT GOODS,'
Cloths,
Cassimeres, „
Vesting*,
CottonaJes,
Sheetings,
Shirtings,
Drills,
Denims,
Ticks, Stripes, etc.
Every Description of
BOOTS A SHOES,
HATS & CAPS.
Paper Hangings, "Window Shades, Cur
tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil-
Ciotlis, Crockery, Glass and Stoneware.
Tinware,
Made expressly for this trade, and war
ranted to give Satisfaction, at 20 per cent,
cheaper than the usual rates in this section.
HARDWARE & CUTLERY,, of all
kinds,
SILVER PLATED WARE,
Paints, Oils, and Painters Materials,
Putty, Window Glaas, Ac.
KEROSENE 'OIL, '
Chandeliers,
Lamps,
Lanterns,
Lantern Glares,
Latnp Chimneys,
Shades and
• Curuers.
I
COAL.
ASHTON, 4- EEL. SALT
FLOUR,
FEED,
MEAL,
BUTTER,
• CHEESE,
LARD.
PORK,
HAMS,
and FISH.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE
SPICES,
SYRUP, A
. MOLASSES,
WOOD & WILLOW WARE,
ROPCS, CORDAGE,
PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYES,
FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ac,
These goods have been selected
with great care to suit the wants of
this community, and will be sold as
heretofore, at the lowest living rates
: for cash or exchanged for country
produce at market prices. Thankful
for the past liberal patronage, I shall
: endeavor by strict attention to my
business, to merit a continuance ot
the same, and will try \o make the
future still more attractive and ben
eficial to customers.
C. DETKICfc
IflfttlJ.
GODDESS OF SLANG.
I was courting a beautiful girl one night,
• Whom I worshipped as almost divine,
And longed to hear breathed the sweet little word
That told me she would be mine :
I was praising the wealth of her chestnut hair,
And her eyes of matchless blue.
When she laid her dear cheek on my shoulder and
said
"Hurra k that,s bully for you!"
I started in ftrror. but managed to keep
From showing my intense surprise,
Ami pressed my lips lightly on brow and cheek,
And then on her moekly closed eyes,
I told her my love was as deep as the sea,
(As I felt her heart go pit-patter,)
I would worship her always if she would be mino,
And she whispered, "Oh! that's what's the mat
ter?"
I told her her cheek would the rose put to shame.
Her teeth the famed Orient pearl,
Andocciin's rich coral could never compare
With the lips of my beautiful girl.
That her volco was like music that comes to the
ear
In the night time—and sweet was her smile!
As that of an angel, and softly she breathed,
"On that you can just bet your pile!''
In the Rush of the starlight I still whisperod on,
And pressed her more close to my breast;
Talked sweeter than Rome, dearer than Claude,
And told her how true love was blest;
Of bliss iu a cottage, of flowers and birds.
(Though I felt at times strange, out of joint,)
When she lookod with a smile and dalntly lisped
In my car "I can't quite see the point!"
I pressed iier still closer, I talked still more sweet \
Called the stars to look down on my love.
Made love rhyme to dove, and kiss rhyme to bliss,
ami vowed by the Heavens above
I'd be constant and true if she'd only be mine ;
Pressed her lips and caressed her brown locks.
When she answered me back, with a rich saucy
laugh,_
1 ain'yj er after the rocks ?"
THE MAID THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR.
There is a blithesome maiden
That lives next door to me ;
Her eyes arc black as midnight,
And hundsome as can be ;
Her cheeks are full of dimples,
And red as any rose;
And then this lovo'of mine, too,
lias got a Roman nose !
1 asked hfer If sheJjJ have me.
(That was the other nl£ht,)
And this was her reply, lriends :
'•Why, Jimmy, you ure tight 1"'
Says I, -I know I have, love,
Aboard a little wine;
But this is not the question—
Will you or not bo mine ?"
And then she put her tace, friends.
As near mine as she could,
And, with the sweetest smile, friends,
Saitl simply that she would
Escort me to the door, If I
Was ready to depart:
And thus it was the girt next door
Declined my hand and heart.
OPPOSED TO INSCBANCE.— A certain Dutch
man, owner of a house, had effected an in
surance on it of eight hundred dollars, al
though it hail been liuilt for much less. —
'Fiie house burned down, and the Dutch
man claimed the full amount for which it
had been iijpired ; but the officers of the
company refused to pay uny more than its
actual value—about six hundred dollars. —
He expressed his dissatisfaction in power
ful broken English, filling up his remarks
with some choice Teutonic oaths.
"If you wish it," said the cashier of the
insurance, "we will build you a house
larger and better than the one burned
down, and we are positive that it can be
for even less<han six hundred dollars."—
To this proposition the Dutchman object
ed, and was at last compelled to take the
six hundred dollars. Some weeks after he
had received money, he was called upon by
the same agent, who wanted him to take a
policy of life insurance on himself or his
wife. "If you insure your wife's life for
52,U00," the agent said, "and she should
die, you would have the sura to solace your
heart.,'
"To tcr tnyfuel, mit you," exclaimed the
Dutchman. "You 'Mirance fellers is all
tiefs ! If I insure my vife, and my
lie dies, and I goes tie office to get my
two tousund dollars, do I gets all de money ?
No, nyt quite, you viU say to me: "she
van't worth two tousund tollars, she vas
worth about six hundred tollars. If you
don't like to take six hundred tollars, we
vill get you a bigger and better vife."
Umf fl'trpers Weekly, tlic blackest of
Mongrel sheets, says; ►
" One wonders that the South does not
rebel anew, when one considers the misera
ble vermin who have been sent down there
as government officials." *
But none except miserable vermin would
accept the offices, or go there at all under
such accursed laws as the Reconstruction
acts. However, we are glad Uirper'.s con
fesses that the scoundrels who are sent to
govern the South are "miserable vermin."
J®-"J fow, young people,*' said a profes
sor of natural history to his class, "now,
then, as to liens. A hen has the capacity
of laying just <KX) eggs, and no more, and
she finishes the job in just about five years.
Now what is to be done witli her after that?"
"Cut off her head and sell her to a board
ing-honse keeper for a spring chicken !"
exclaimed an urchin whose father d *alt in
poultry.
J j@°- "Driver, how much to the Central
Park ?" "Ten dollars, sir." Ten dollars !
I dont want to but/ your hack 1"
44 To Speak his .Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
A PRECOCIOUS YOUTH.
John Smith—you've heard of him—is
j very bashful ;is too bashful, in truth. He
; was I torn and raised in the country His
| father gave him it good education, and nl
j lows liim plenty of money. But John,
with all other attainments, never could ac
custom himself to the society of female,
not because he didn't like the girls, but be
cause his shy nature would not permit him
to associate with the fair sex. It once hap
l>eued, not very long ago either, that John's
father had some very important business to
transact in the city. He also had some
very particular affairs to attend to at home
which demanded liis personal attention,
and not possessing the power of übiquity,
he delegated his son John to transact that
in the city.
John, being thus commissioned, immedi
ately proceeded to the city and to the resi
dence of his father's old friend, whom he
found to l>c a very nico old gentleman, with
a beautiful daughter, and gold spectacles.
John was ushered into the parlor (a new
thing for him), and motioned to a seat--uo!
a sofa (another new tiling).
But we must use his own language. I
took my scat and made observations. Ev
erything was fine ! Fine carpets, line so
las, fine tables, fine curtains, fine books,
fine pianos, fine everything, and especially
a line young lady who was dressed in fine
silk, fine satin, and who had fine curls, and
a fine appearance generally.
After chatting with the old gentleman a
few minutes, lie took down his hat, told me
to make myself at home for an hour or two,
| and left —left me alone with liis daughter
and a small, mischievous hoy, the young
lady's brother. 1 didn't relish the situation
at all. The idea of my keeping a city belle
engaged in conversation for two hours—
perdiction !. Silence reigned in the parlor
for a short time, you may bet. I amii-ed
myself as mueh as possible with the boy -
that is, loaned him my knife and watch-key,
and watched him cut hohss in the carpet
with one, and spoil the "other. I don't
know what I would have done had it not
been for that boy—he was so good to at
tract one's attention, "you know.
It is true that he asked some very start
ling questions, occasionally, such as this,
for instance : "Are you goin' to court sis
ter Emily ?" but such things must be ex
pected under such circumstances.
Miss Emily, thinking, no doubt, that to
be a good hostess she must keep her guests
engaged in conversation, asked me "how 1
liked country life," etc. She said that "it
must be a beautiful sight to sec the labor
ers both male and female, romping on the
new-mown hay and New Year's day ; that
she always did think she would like to
spend a Christmas in the country, a nut
gatliering with the village lads and lasses ;
that it always had been a mystery to her
how they got eggs oil' the trees without
breaking them," etc.
In return, 1 thought, to keep up my part
of the conversation, it was necessary for
me to quote poetry and the like, which I
did. Among other quotations, I unfortu
nately repeated the well known lines of
Shakespeare.
'•There is a divinity that shnjx'S our ends,
Rough-hew them as we will."
At this conjecture, the boy, who had
perched himself upon my knees, looked
very earnestly into my face, and said : "Di
vinity shaped the end of your nose mighty
curus." I'm certain that I wished some
body wonld spank the young rascal. We
talked of hills, mountains, vales, cataracts,
I believe I said waterfalls, when the boy
spoke up and said : "Why, sister's got a
trunk full of 'em up stairs—pap says they
are made of hair."
This revakition struck terror into me and
blushes into the cheeks of my foir com
panion.
It began to be very apparent to me that I
must be very guarded in what I said, lest 1
said boy might slip in his .remarks at un
called-for plaees ;in fact I turned all my
conversation to him. I told him he ought
to go home with me. and see what nice
chickens we had in the country. Unlucki
ly I mentioned a yoke of calves that my lit- ,
tie brother owned. The word mires rained
all. The little fellow looked up, and said : i
"Sister's got a dozen of 'em, but she don't
wear 'em.only when she goes up town on a
windy day."
"Leave the room, you nnmanered little
wretch !" exclaimed Ernilv, "leave imme
diately f*
"I know what you want me to leave for," !
replied he ; "you can't fool me—yon want
to set in that man's lap and kiss him like
yon did Bill .Simmons the other Jay—you
can't fool me, I'll jes' tell you. Gimme
some candy like hdid ; then I'll go. Yon
think because you've got the Grecian bend
that you're smart ! Guess I know a tiling
or two! lam mad at you anyhow, 'cause
pap would a bought me a top yesterday, if
it hadn't been for you getiin' them curls
you've got on, doggone ye ! Yori needn't
turn so re*J in yonr face, 'cause I can't see j
it for the paint. There ain't no use in you
winking at me with that glass eye o' vourn,
'cause I ain't goin out'n here, now that's
what's the matter with the purps. I don't
i care if you are tweuty eight years old, you
j ain't no boss o' mine, you ole fool."
That is all of the story that John related. :
He says he don't know Wy he got out of,
| the scrape.
KISSING.
A lady fnrnislies one of our exchanges
a full history of kissing—"how to do it,
and how not to do it"—which wo publish
"for the benefit of all concerned :"
. "People will kiHS, yet not one in a hun
dred know how to extract bliss from lovely
lips, no more than they know how to make
diamonds from charcoal, and yet it is easy,
at least for us.
' "This little item is not alone for new be
ginners, but for the many who go at it like
hunting coons or shelling corn. First,
know when you are to kiss. Don't make
a mistake, although mistakes may le gvod.
Don't jump like a trout after a fly, and
smack a woman on the neck, or on the ear,
or on the corner of the forehead, on the
end of her nose, or slop over on her water
fall or bonnet ribbon, in haste to get
through. The gentleman should be a
little the tallest. He should havo a clean
face, a kind eye, and a mouth full of ex
pression, not of tobacco. Don't kill any
thing, including nasty lit tie dog l3 , in ale aud fe
male. Don't sit down to it, stand up.—
Need not lie anxious to get in a crowd.
"Two persons are plenty to corner and
catch a kiss. More persons spoil the sport.
It won't hurt any after you are used to it.
Take the left hand of the lady in your
right haiuL Let your hat go to—any place
out of the way. Throw the left hand gent
ly over the shoulder of the lady, and let
the right hand fall down on the right side
towards the left. Don tbe in a hurry.—
Sflml a little down your left arm, and let
it know its business. Her left hand is in
your right, let there be 110 expression to
that—not like the grip of vice, but a gen
tle clasp, full of electricity, thouglii and re
spect. D> m't be in a *luirry. Her head
iies carelessly 011 your shoulder; you are
nearly heart to heart! Look down into
her half closed eyes. Gently but mauly
]tress her to yo&r bosom. Stand firm, and
Providence will give you strength for the
ordeal. 11c brave, but don't be aiu hurry.—
Her iips must open ! Lean lightly forward
with your head —not yom; body. Take
good aim. The lips meet—the eyes close
—the heart opens—the soul rides the storm,
troubles and sorrows of life—(don't be in
a hurry ) —heaven opens'before you—the
world shoots from under your feet as a me
teor flashes across the evening sky—(don't
be afraid) —the nerves dance before the
first created altar of love as a zephyr dances
with the new trimmed flowers—the heart
forgets its bitterness—and the art of kiss
ing is learned.
"No noise, no fuss, no fluttering and
squirming, like a hook-impaled worm.—
Kissing don't hurt, and it don't require a
stainj> to make it legal. Don't jab down
on a beautiful mouth as if sjieariug for
frogs. Do not muss the hair, scratch down
her collar, bite her cheek, squizzle tier rich
ribbons and leave her mussed, rumpled,
fluiumixetl. Don't grab and yank the lady
as if she was a struggling colt Don't fla
vor your kisses with onions, tobacco, gin
cocktails,"lager beer, brandy, etc., for a
muddling kiss is worse than the itch to a
delicate, sensible woman."
There, now, is your receipt; try it.
VELOCIPEDE.
Carl Benson, of New York, was chal
lenged to find a rhyme for "velocipede,"
and produced the following :
"There was a man on a velocipede,
Who said : ''l need not give my hoss a feed,
Without oats or hay
He will go all day;
Its a cheap thing to keep a velocipede."
The Boston Advertiser man sought to'
improve it thus :
"There was a man with a velocipede,
Who said : "I w ill not do so gross a deed
As make any fuss
About a horse car or 'bus,
When I can ride 011 my velocipede."
A wretch on the Cincinnati Post, being
thus tempted, falls, to wit :
"There's a vehicle called a velocipede,
Which is said to excel any hoss in speed ;
So cease all your jars
About crowded street cars,
And mount every man his veloeiiede."
The Cincinnati Times then takes a shy
at it, with the following deplorable result:
A gent, who can not boss a steed,
Can safely ride on a velocipede;
You drive with your legs,
You feed it on shoe-pegs,
And thus you fat up your velocipede."
The Philadelphia Bulletin says : "Those
fellows had better come to Philadelphia to
ascertain how such things are done. For
instance :
"If Benson, who slings the velocipede
In prose, could express all his gossip he'd
Teach his steed how to go,
To wheel or to who ?
As becomes a well-mounted velocipede."
The X. Y. Democrat says: "Go 'way
with your dabblers in rhythm. We have
the above, andean only say :
"Such poetry about the velocipede!
If we had a grandmother, and she'd
Not spank the writer,
We'd choke her tighter,
Than a man has to hang on the bycyclede."
fci* An old lady was asked what she
thought of one of her neighbors of the
name of Jones, and with a knowing wink
replied, "Why, I don't like to say anything
about my neighbors ; but as to Mr. Jones,
sometimes I think, and then again I don't
know ; after all I rather guess hell turn
out to be a good deal such a sort of man as
I take him to be."
TRICKS OF A JUGGLER.
The far-famed Hubert neller cannot be
satisfied with his legitimate triumph before
an audience, but occasionally does a neat
tiling for his own amusement, very much
to the surprise of those who happened to
be present.
Recently, while passing an itinerant ven
der of cheep previsions, Mr. Heller sudden
ly paused and inquired:
"How do you sell eggs, auntie ?"
"Dem eggs," was the response, "dey am
worth a picayune a piece; fresh, too, de
last one of em ; biled em myself, anil know
dey's fust rate."
"Well, I'll try'em,'' said the magician,
laying down a bit of fractional currency.
"Have yWk ]>epper and salt ?"
"Yes, sir, dere dey is," said the sable*
saleswoman, watching her customer with
intense interest.
Leisurely drawing out a little penkuife,
Mr. Heller proceeded very quietly to cut
the egg exactly iu half, when suddenly a
bright new t\*aity-five cent piece was dis
covered lying imbedded in the yolk, appar
ently as bright as when it came from the
mint. Very coolly the great magician
transferred the coin to liis pocket, and ta
king up another egg, inquired :
"And how much do you ask me for this
egg ?" "De fact am, boss, dis egg am
worth a dime, fchuali." '
."All right," was the response ; "here's
the dime. Now give me the egg."
Separating it with an exact precision
that the colored lady watched eagerly, a
quarter eagle was most carefully picked out
of the egg and placed in the vest pocket of
the operator as liefore. The old woman
was thunder-struck, as well she might have
been, and Iter customer had to ask the
price of the third egg two or three times
before he could obtain a reply. •
"Dar's no use talkin', mas'r" said the be
wildered old'durky, "I can't let you liab
dat egg nohow for less than a quarter, I de
clare to de Lord I can't."
'•Very good," said Heller, whose iinper
turable features were as solemn as an under
taker, "there is your quarter and here is
the egg, All right."
As he opened the hist egg a brace of tive
dolLtr gold pieces were discovered snugly
deposited in the heart of the yolk, jingling
them merrily together in his little p;dm,
the servant coolly remarked :
"Very good eggs, indeed. I rather like
them ; and while I am about it I will buy a
dozen. What is the price V"
"I say price !" exclaimed the astonished
daughter of Ham. "You couldn't, huv
dem eggs* lnas'r, for all de money you's
got. No, dat you couldn't. I'se gwinc to
take dem eggs all home, I is ; an' dat mon
ey in dem all belong to me. It does dat.
Couldn't sell no more of dem eggs, nohow.'
Amid the roar of the spectators the be
nighted African started to her domicile
to "smash dem eggs," but with what suc
cess we are unable to relate.
A WISCONSIN* ROMANCE. A Milwaukee
paper tells a story of how a young table
girJ a year ago took such good care of a
young man from an Eastern city, who fell
sick at one of the hotels there, that ho re
covered. Full of gratitude to his young
nurse, who disappeared before he was able
to be out, he left a note of thanks for her,
including a lottery ticket, which was all he
left, which unexpectedly drew a prize of
$5,70(1, on the receipt of which the girl
went to school at the convent, when after
sbrno eight months, through the postmas
ter, to whom she had confided her affairs,
she received a letter from the young man
whom she had cared for offering his heart
and hand, which she is now waiting in hap
py mood to receive.
NOT MARRIED.— It one of the courts, a
few days since, a very pretty young lady
appeared as a witness. Her testimony was
likely to result unfavorably for the client of
a pert young lawyer, who addressed her
very superciliously with the inquiry :
"Y'ou are married, I believe."
"No, sir."
"Oh 1 only about to l>e married ?"
"No, sir."
"Only wish to ?"
"Really I don't kuow. Would ad
vise such a step ?"
"Oh, certainly!. lam a married man
myself."
'"ls it possible ? I never should have
thought it. Is your wife blind or deaf ?"
It is scarcely necessary to add, that the
discomfitted attorney did not vouchsafe a
reply.
How SHE MAN AUEU Hut.—A married la
dy gave a social entertainment to a party
of female acquaintances, and wliile ragail
ing tliem with accounts of a recent jour
ney, a tremenduous thumping was heard
proceeding from the garret. " What's
that noise T T exclaimed one. "Oh, nothing
unusual. Don't be at all alarmed, my dear
friends ; it's only my husband. You see he
persists in staying out very late every even
ing, and I thought I would keep him in for
once, so I got him to examine an imaginary
leak in our roof, and wliile up there, fas
tened the scuttle door ; that's all."
Charlie ware of too sanguine dependence
upon future" expectations.
TERMS. $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance
ItfiSE & flilifrfoisF.
Spirits over {)roof —Printers' devils.
Farmers like fat hogs—Printers'
"devils" like fat copy,
toa?" The bachelor has to look out for
number one, the married man for number
two.
•
JKcV" A earS in the shop window of it
English corset-maker exhibits the follow
ing singular instance of illiterate dioflpm :
".ill kinds of ladies stays here."
kzji" The girls of Northampton have been
sending a bachelor editor a bouquet of tan
sy and wormwood. He says he don't care
—he'd rather stiell that than matrimony.
tk&~ A Chicago preacher has been point
ing out "The Way to Hell." A wicked
contemporary :*lds : "Persons desiring a
complete guide to Chicago should purchase
the sermon."
|-y> The other day a minister was mar
rying a male and female, the male a lift to
tight, and when it was said,* "Those that
God has joined together, let no man put
asunder," the newly made husband shout
ed, "You bet !"
fsru?" An inquisitive young man visited
the New Jersey State Prison the other day,
and, among other questions asked a girl
the cause of her Wing found *in such a
place. Her rcplv was that she had stole
a saw mill, and went back after the pond,
and was arrested.
Je ; ;r~ A woman lately looking at a press,
011 which the San Francisco Pro Press was
being printed, looked up in the face of her
mule companion, and in the most earnest
manner inquired, "Arrnh, Tim! an' them's
the things as writ es the pay per.s ? Be's
them the things they call eydaters ? Holy
Mother of Moses! does the Yankees lie ;
abuse and blackguard aiteh other by ma
chinery ? "
I*®"- A Western paper, referring to the
recent eokl snap in that region, says the
leg of a marble statute was frozen stilt'.—
It is thought it will have to lx- amputated.
Barbers' poles, signs and lump posts were
frozen otV. The air is so sharp that in
many cases it is used to cut up sausage
meat. Physicians have advised citizens
not to breathe until the edge has been taken
off. A benevolent gentleman in this town
is busy day and night taking the edge off.
He has had to engage an additional bar
tender to assist him in his charitable work.
A Utile boy came to school the other
day with a very dirty. face. The teacher
sent him out to wash it, and after awhile
he returned, with the lower part clean and
dry, hut the upper portium wao streaked
with mud, and looked worst than lafore.—
"Why didn't you wash your face, Johnny ?"
asked the teacher. "I did wash it," *-
plied Johnny. "Then why didn't yon
wipe it clean all over ?" "I did wipe it as
high as my shirt would roach;" was John
ny's conclusive answer.
PAT AXI> THE ALPHABET.— The following
scene occurred recently in a schoolroom :
"Ah, Pat, Pat!" exclaimed the school
mist vess to a thick-headed urchin iutowho6C
muddy brain she was attempting to beat
the alphabet—"l'm afraid you will never
learn anything. Now what's that letter, -
eh ? "
"Sure I don't know, ma'am," replied
Pat.
"I thought you'd recollect that."
"Why, ma'am ?"
"Because it has a-dot over the top of it."
"Och„ ma'am, I mind it w ell, but sbure
I thought it was ant/speck."
"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I.'.
"You ma'am."
"No, no, not U, but I."
"Not T, but you, ma'am—how's that?"
"Not I, but you, block-head."
"O, v is, faith, now I have it, ma'am, you
mean to say that I, not you, are a block
head. "
A Tolop Sroitv.—An old fellow who
never 3 ielded the palm to any one in reel
ing a knotty yarn, was put to his trumps at
hearing a traveler state that ho saw a brick
house placed upon runners and drawn up
a hill to a more favorable location, some
half a mile distant.
"What do you think of that, Uucld
Eithel ? " said a bystander.
"0, fudge," said the old man, "I once
saw a two-storv stone house down East,
drawn by oxen for the distance of three
miles."
A dead silence ensued. The oi l nian ev
idently had the worst end of it, and he saw
it. Gathering his energies he bit offa huge
bite of pig tail byway of gaining time for
thought, "They drawed the stone house."
paid he, ejecting a quantity of tobacco juice
towards the fireplace; "but thut wasn't the
worst of the job—-arter they'd done that,
they Went back and drawed the ccllaflf."
The stranger gave in.
NO. 32.