Upming iMocrcit HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher. \ 7 OL. VIII. iUpnting plutocrat. v Veniocratte weekly A • • Y HA3VEV SICKIER Ternn — 1 copy 1 year, in M I vac eel #2.00; if nut paid within sis months, 2.50 will be charged NO paper will be DISCONTINUED, until all are reeriKfrse paid; unless at the option of puMi RATES OF ADVERTISING TKJi LINES COSSTIICTE A SQUARE. line square iue or three insertions sl.oo Every subsequ- nt insertion less than 8 50 HEAL ESTATE, PERSONAL PROPERTV, and GEIIBPAL ADVERTISING, as may be agreed upon, J'ATEST MEDICINES and other advertisements oy the column : One colamn, 1 yeax, *OO . Half column, 1 year Thirl culumn, 1 year, Fourth column, 1 year, llusiness t arils of one square or less, per year with paper, *8 # ITf:' EDITORIAL or EOCAL ITEM advertoing—with in Advcrtise.n.ebt —15 i ts. i*r line. Liberal terms made with permanent advertisers. EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDl roll'S NOTICES, of the usual length, #2,50 ORITI ARIKS.-exceeding ten lines, eaoh ; REL GIOUS and LITERARY NOTICES, not of general merest, one half the regqlar rates. P lvortisemenU be handed in bv TUES \r NOON, t*> insure insertion the same week. JOB WORK • ill k nds neatly executed and at"prices to suit the times. A 1 1 RANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB •i',,'ulv n.u.-t be paid for, when ordered Business Notices. I ITTI.I'7 l. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW Of fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., T unk- OiEnock, Pa _ - T .1 CHASE, ATTORNEY AND COUNSBL -1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa i>p©cial attention given to settlement of ueee ient's estates # Ni. Ujlijn, Pa. Dec 5, 19(j7—v7nl9yl y T ,| \V 11.SON, ATTOKNFY AT LAW, Col Ai. letting ami Real Estate Agent. lowaLand. r tile. Scranton, Pa. • i " -srrUHOT Tlt DEWITT, Attorneys' at Law— ' ' office, opposite the Bank, Tunkhannock i> M. H-TERUOUT. L. DEWITT T W. KHOAM, PHYSICIAN X SUK*N, J. aill attend promptly to all cal,s ,n ..ion. May be found at his Office at the Dru„ re. or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly uj'iej by A. K. Peckham Esq. SR. E. F. AVERY'SJgjS^ dental office, UTrZ^., r Burn's Bros., Jewelry Store. Tunkhaunock, Pa., All the various f ryles of Dental work scientifically ■ at' I warranted. Particular attention given to s-'i.' ning irregular or deficient teeth. liamiir.itions ma.lt-, and advice given WKtioUt _• Etm-real spr iy administered when desired. - mi administered under direction ola Fhjsl- I! advantages of otnploying a local and :.-il.r dentist are apparent to alf. num. Prof. J. Berlinghof. ijsbiinatilr Burlier & Ljuir-iCuttcr, AT Tl NKHAXSOCK, PA. iAIIt Woven, and Braided, far Switches, or Curled, i I Waterfalls of every size and style, uianufactur ■ i > order. , „ . The h'ghest market prices puid for ®adies llair. ted kinds of Hair Restorers and -- : tier ■ t'Stantly kept on hand and sold at Man -1 tarer. retail prices. , 11.ir ,nd Wui.-kers colored to every natural JACOB BEKIiNGHOF. Tatik . Pi. Jan. 5, '69. —vSn'JMf. PACIFIC HOTEL, 170,172,174 a 176 Greenwich Street. I i: AIKIVE ( OETLiSDr STttUBT, SEW TORE ) T u ■ reigned takes pleasure in announcing to ;o. r .us friends and patrons that from tins • .-Uarge of the Pacific will bo $2.50 PER DAY. Proprietor of this house, and therefore . * t<>*> common exaction of an inordinate - lolly able t meet the downward tenden • < without any falling oil of service, ill nw, heretefene, la* his aim to maintain ■ i the favorable reputation of the Purine, r1; ■ - enjoyed f'T many yehrs, as one ofthe ' * t iravi lers' hotels. .. . ... fill: l ABLE will be bountifully supplied with •ii i y of the season. . hi. A ; l LNBANCK will bo found eificient and Till; hiw"'ATION will be found convenient for • *!; -e business calls them in the lower part of . an.l ot ready access to all Kail Koad and "lambuat Linos. _ . JOHN PATTEN. Oct bib iKoS. nIS-6m. HUFFORI) HOUSE. HIS KIIANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA THI= F-TABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY A 'em refinei and turnished in the latest style. J attention will he given to the comfort and t' tit-e of those who patronize the Iloase. 11, lIUFFoRD Proprietor. I ririthn ii'- k, Pa., June 17, 1863. —v7n44. BOLTON HOUSE. "AKHISHUftO, I'FNNA. . A';" undersigned having lately purchased the 1 hilLtK 110US H " property, has already com ' 4 -u h iterations and improvements as will T 'hit old and popular House equal, if not sape "t t<> any Hotel in the City of Harris burg. A, "''n'itiuance of the pubiic patronage is refpect allJ sc'.ieited. GEO. J. BOLTON WALL'S HOTEL, ... LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/ ' V *HAN NOCK, WYOMING CO., PA P"'" rcablishment has recently been refitted'an t , 'arn shed in tbe latest stylo Every attention , s'A-cn to the comfort and convenience of tbos# ' f&trooi/e the IL-use , T. 15. WALL, Owner and Proprietor: """wmock, September 11, 1981. TUNKHAMOCK WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, MARCH. 17,1869. The new Broom stil! new! AND WITH THE NEW YEAH. Will be used with mure tieeepivf effect than hereto | fure,by large udditious from time to Rme, of Choice ann desirable HOODS, at the • New Store OP C DETRICK, in £h Stark's Bri:k Block AT TDNKHANNOCK. PANN'A. Where can be found, at all times, one of the Largest and Richest assortments ever offered in this vicinity, Consisting of BLACK AND FANCY COL'RD DRESS SILKS, FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS. EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS, POPLINS, SERGES, and PAREMKTTOS, BLACK LI'SHE AND COLORED ALPACCAS W#OL, ARMURK, PEKIN AND MOUSELIEU DELAINS, INPORTED AND DOMESTIC GINGHAMS, PRINTS of Best Manufactures, Ladies Cloths and Saoqueings, FURS, SHAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN GOODS, AO, LADIES RETICULES, SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS. TRUNKS, VALISES, and TRAVELING BAGSj Hosiery and Gloveß, Ladies' Vests, White Goods, and Yarnkee notions in endless va riety. # II OOP SKIRTS Ar CORSETTS, direct from the manufacturers, at greatly reduc*?! prices. FLANNELS all Colors and Qualities. KNIT GOODS,' Cloths, Cassimeres, „ Vesting*, CottonaJes, Sheetings, Shirtings, Drills, Denims, Ticks, Stripes, etc. Every Description of BOOTS A SHOES, HATS & CAPS. Paper Hangings, "Window Shades, Cur tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil- Ciotlis, Crockery, Glass and Stoneware. Tinware, Made expressly for this trade, and war ranted to give Satisfaction, at 20 per cent, cheaper than the usual rates in this section. HARDWARE & CUTLERY,, of all kinds, SILVER PLATED WARE, Paints, Oils, and Painters Materials, Putty, Window Glaas, Ac. KEROSENE 'OIL, ' Chandeliers, Lamps, Lanterns, Lantern Glares, Latnp Chimneys, Shades and • Curuers. I COAL. ASHTON, 4- EEL. SALT FLOUR, FEED, MEAL, BUTTER, • CHEESE, LARD. PORK, HAMS, and FISH. SUGAR, TEA, COFFEE SPICES, SYRUP, A . MOLASSES, WOOD & WILLOW WARE, ROPCS, CORDAGE, PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYES, FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ac, These goods have been selected with great care to suit the wants of this community, and will be sold as heretofore, at the lowest living rates : for cash or exchanged for country produce at market prices. Thankful for the past liberal patronage, I shall : endeavor by strict attention to my business, to merit a continuance ot the same, and will try \o make the future still more attractive and ben eficial to customers. C. DETKICfc IflfttlJ. GODDESS OF SLANG. I was courting a beautiful girl one night, • Whom I worshipped as almost divine, And longed to hear breathed the sweet little word That told me she would be mine : I was praising the wealth of her chestnut hair, And her eyes of matchless blue. When she laid her dear cheek on my shoulder and said "Hurra k that,s bully for you!" I started in ftrror. but managed to keep From showing my intense surprise, Ami pressed my lips lightly on brow and cheek, And then on her moekly closed eyes, I told her my love was as deep as the sea, (As I felt her heart go pit-patter,) I would worship her always if she would be mino, And she whispered, "Oh! that's what's the mat ter?" I told her her cheek would the rose put to shame. Her teeth the famed Orient pearl, Andocciin's rich coral could never compare With the lips of my beautiful girl. That her volco was like music that comes to the ear In the night time—and sweet was her smile! As that of an angel, and softly she breathed, "On that you can just bet your pile!'' In the Rush of the starlight I still whisperod on, And pressed her more close to my breast; Talked sweeter than Rome, dearer than Claude, And told her how true love was blest; Of bliss iu a cottage, of flowers and birds. (Though I felt at times strange, out of joint,) When she lookod with a smile and dalntly lisped In my car "I can't quite see the point!" I pressed iier still closer, I talked still more sweet \ Called the stars to look down on my love. Made love rhyme to dove, and kiss rhyme to bliss, ami vowed by the Heavens above I'd be constant and true if she'd only be mine ; Pressed her lips and caressed her brown locks. When she answered me back, with a rich saucy laugh,_ 1 ain'yj er after the rocks ?" THE MAID THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR. There is a blithesome maiden That lives next door to me ; Her eyes arc black as midnight, And hundsome as can be ; Her cheeks are full of dimples, And red as any rose; And then this lovo'of mine, too, lias got a Roman nose ! 1 asked hfer If sheJjJ have me. (That was the other nl£ht,) And this was her reply, lriends : '•Why, Jimmy, you ure tight 1"' Says I, -I know I have, love, Aboard a little wine; But this is not the question— Will you or not bo mine ?" And then she put her tace, friends. As near mine as she could, And, with the sweetest smile, friends, Saitl simply that she would Escort me to the door, If I Was ready to depart: And thus it was the girt next door Declined my hand and heart. OPPOSED TO INSCBANCE.— A certain Dutch man, owner of a house, had effected an in surance on it of eight hundred dollars, al though it hail been liuilt for much less. — 'Fiie house burned down, and the Dutch man claimed the full amount for which it had been iijpired ; but the officers of the company refused to pay uny more than its actual value—about six hundred dollars. — He expressed his dissatisfaction in power ful broken English, filling up his remarks with some choice Teutonic oaths. "If you wish it," said the cashier of the insurance, "we will build you a house larger and better than the one burned down, and we are positive that it can be for even lesseued, not very long ago either, that John's father had some very important business to transact in the city. He also had some very particular affairs to attend to at home which demanded liis personal attention, and not possessing the power of übiquity, he delegated his son John to transact that in the city. John, being thus commissioned, immedi ately proceeded to the city and to the resi dence of his father's old friend, whom he found to l>c a very nico old gentleman, with a beautiful daughter, and gold spectacles. John was ushered into the parlor (a new thing for him), and motioned to a seat--uo! a sofa (another new tiling). But we must use his own language. I took my scat and made observations. Ev erything was fine ! Fine carpets, line so las, fine tables, fine curtains, fine books, fine pianos, fine everything, and especially a line young lady who was dressed in fine silk, fine satin, and who had fine curls, and a fine appearance generally. After chatting with the old gentleman a few minutes, lie took down his hat, told me to make myself at home for an hour or two, | and left —left me alone with liis daughter and a small, mischievous hoy, the young lady's brother. 1 didn't relish the situation at all. The idea of my keeping a city belle engaged in conversation for two hours— perdiction !. Silence reigned in the parlor for a short time, you may bet. I amii-ed myself as mueh as possible with the boy - that is, loaned him my knife and watch-key, and watched him cut hohss in the carpet with one, and spoil the "other. I don't know what I would have done had it not been for that boy—he was so good to at tract one's attention, "you know. It is true that he asked some very start ling questions, occasionally, such as this, for instance : "Are you goin' to court sis ter Emily ?" but such things must be ex pected under such circumstances. Miss Emily, thinking, no doubt, that to be a good hostess she must keep her guests engaged in conversation, asked me "how 1 liked country life," etc. She said that "it must be a beautiful sight to sec the labor ers both male and female, romping on the new-mown hay and New Year's day ; that she always did think she would like to spend a Christmas in the country, a nut gatliering with the village lads and lasses ; that it always had been a mystery to her how they got eggs oil' the trees without breaking them," etc. In return, 1 thought, to keep up my part of the conversation, it was necessary for me to quote poetry and the like, which I did. Among other quotations, I unfortu nately repeated the well known lines of Shakespeare. '•There is a divinity that shnjx'S our ends, Rough-hew them as we will." At this conjecture, the boy, who had perched himself upon my knees, looked very earnestly into my face, and said : "Di vinity shaped the end of your nose mighty curus." I'm certain that I wished some body wonld spank the young rascal. We talked of hills, mountains, vales, cataracts, I believe I said waterfalls, when the boy spoke up and said : "Why, sister's got a trunk full of 'em up stairs—pap says they are made of hair." This revakition struck terror into me and blushes into the cheeks of my foir com panion. It began to be very apparent to me that I must be very guarded in what I said, lest 1 said boy might slip in his .remarks at un called-for plaees ;in fact I turned all my conversation to him. I told him he ought to go home with me. and see what nice chickens we had in the country. Unlucki ly I mentioned a yoke of calves that my lit- , tie brother owned. The word mires rained all. The little fellow looked up, and said : i "Sister's got a dozen of 'em, but she don't wear 'em.only when she goes up town on a windy day." "Leave the room, you nnmanered little wretch !" exclaimed Ernilv, "leave imme diately f* "I know what you want me to leave for," ! replied he ; "you can't fool me—yon want to set in that man's lap and kiss him like yon did Bill .Simmons the other Jay—you can't fool me, I'll jes' tell you. Gimme some candy like hdid ; then I'll go. Yon think because you've got the Grecian bend that you're smart ! Guess I know a tiling or two! lam mad at you anyhow, 'cause pap would a bought me a top yesterday, if it hadn't been for you getiin' them curls you've got on, doggone ye ! Yori needn't turn so re*J in yonr face, 'cause I can't see j it for the paint. There ain't no use in you winking at me with that glass eye o' vourn, 'cause I ain't goin out'n here, now that's what's the matter with the purps. I don't i care if you are tweuty eight years old, you j ain't no boss o' mine, you ole fool." That is all of the story that John related. : He says he don't know Wy he got out of, | the scrape. KISSING. A lady fnrnislies one of our exchanges a full history of kissing—"how to do it, and how not to do it"—which wo publish "for the benefit of all concerned :" . "People will kiHS, yet not one in a hun dred know how to extract bliss from lovely lips, no more than they know how to make diamonds from charcoal, and yet it is easy, at least for us. ' "This little item is not alone for new be ginners, but for the many who go at it like hunting coons or shelling corn. First, know when you are to kiss. Don't make a mistake, although mistakes may le gvod. Don't jump like a trout after a fly, and smack a woman on the neck, or on the ear, or on the corner of the forehead, on the end of her nose, or slop over on her water fall or bonnet ribbon, in haste to get through. The gentleman should be a little the tallest. He should havo a clean face, a kind eye, and a mouth full of ex pression, not of tobacco. Don't kill any thing, including nasty lit tie dog l3 , in ale aud fe male. Don't sit down to it, stand up.— Need not lie anxious to get in a crowd. "Two persons are plenty to corner and catch a kiss. More persons spoil the sport. It won't hurt any after you are used to it. Take the left hand of the lady in your right haiuL Let your hat go to—any place out of the way. Throw the left hand gent ly over the shoulder of the lady, and let the right hand fall down on the right side towards the left. Don tbe in a hurry.— Sflml a little down your left arm, and let it know its business. Her left hand is in your right, let there be 110 expression to that—not like the grip of vice, but a gen tle clasp, full of electricity, thouglii and re spect. D> m't be in a *luirry. Her head iies carelessly 011 your shoulder; you are nearly heart to heart! Look down into her half closed eyes. Gently but mauly ]tress her to yo&r bosom. Stand firm, and Providence will give you strength for the ordeal. 11c brave, but don't be aiu hurry.— Her iips must open ! Lean lightly forward with your head —not yom; body. Take good aim. The lips meet—the eyes close —the heart opens—the soul rides the storm, troubles and sorrows of life—(don't be in a hurry ) —heaven opens'before you—the world shoots from under your feet as a me teor flashes across the evening sky—(don't be afraid) —the nerves dance before the first created altar of love as a zephyr dances with the new trimmed flowers—the heart forgets its bitterness—and the art of kiss ing is learned. "No noise, no fuss, no fluttering and squirming, like a hook-impaled worm.— Kissing don't hurt, and it don't require a stainj> to make it legal. Don't jab down on a beautiful mouth as if sjieariug for frogs. Do not muss the hair, scratch down her collar, bite her cheek, squizzle tier rich ribbons and leave her mussed, rumpled, fluiumixetl. Don't grab and yank the lady as if she was a struggling colt Don't fla vor your kisses with onions, tobacco, gin cocktails,"lager beer, brandy, etc., for a muddling kiss is worse than the itch to a delicate, sensible woman." There, now, is your receipt; try it. VELOCIPEDE. Carl Benson, of New York, was chal lenged to find a rhyme for "velocipede," and produced the following : "There was a man on a velocipede, Who said : ''l need not give my hoss a feed, Without oats or hay He will go all day; Its a cheap thing to keep a velocipede." The Boston Advertiser man sought to' improve it thus : "There was a man with a velocipede, Who said : "I w ill not do so gross a deed As make any fuss About a horse car or 'bus, When I can ride 011 my velocipede." A wretch on the Cincinnati Post, being thus tempted, falls, to wit : "There's a vehicle called a velocipede, Which is said to excel any hoss in speed ; So cease all your jars About crowded street cars, And mount every man his veloeiiede." The Cincinnati Times then takes a shy at it, with the following deplorable result: A gent, who can not boss a steed, Can safely ride on a velocipede; You drive with your legs, You feed it on shoe-pegs, And thus you fat up your velocipede." The Philadelphia Bulletin says : "Those fellows had better come to Philadelphia to ascertain how such things are done. For instance : "If Benson, who slings the velocipede In prose, could express all his gossip he'd Teach his steed how to go, To wheel or to who ? As becomes a well-mounted velocipede." The X. Y. Democrat says: "Go 'way with your dabblers in rhythm. We have the above, andean only say : "Such poetry about the velocipede! If we had a grandmother, and she'd Not spank the writer, We'd choke her tighter, Than a man has to hang on the bycyclede." fci* An old lady was asked what she thought of one of her neighbors of the name of Jones, and with a knowing wink replied, "Why, I don't like to say anything about my neighbors ; but as to Mr. Jones, sometimes I think, and then again I don't know ; after all I rather guess hell turn out to be a good deal such a sort of man as I take him to be." TRICKS OF A JUGGLER. The far-famed Hubert neller cannot be satisfied with his legitimate triumph before an audience, but occasionally does a neat tiling for his own amusement, very much to the surprise of those who happened to be present. Recently, while passing an itinerant ven der of cheep previsions, Mr. Heller sudden ly paused and inquired: "How do you sell eggs, auntie ?" "Dem eggs," was the response, "dey am worth a picayune a piece; fresh, too, de last one of em ; biled em myself, anil know dey's fust rate." "Well, I'll try'em,'' said the magician, laying down a bit of fractional currency. "Have yWk ]>epper and salt ?" "Yes, sir, dere dey is," said the sable* saleswoman, watching her customer with intense interest. Leisurely drawing out a little penkuife, Mr. Heller proceeded very quietly to cut the egg exactly iu half, when suddenly a bright new t\*aity-five cent piece was dis covered lying imbedded in the yolk, appar ently as bright as when it came from the mint. Very coolly the great magician transferred the coin to liis pocket, and ta king up another egg, inquired : "And how much do you ask me for this egg ?" "De fact am, boss, dis egg am worth a dime, fchuali." ' ."All right," was the response ; "here's the dime. Now give me the egg." Separating it with an exact precision that the colored lady watched eagerly, a quarter eagle was most carefully picked out of the egg and placed in the vest pocket of the operator as liefore. The old woman was thunder-struck, as well she might have been, and Iter customer had to ask the price of the third egg two or three times before he could obtain a reply. • "Dar's no use talkin', mas'r" said the be wildered old'durky, "I can't let you liab dat egg nohow for less than a quarter, I de clare to de Lord I can't." '•Very good," said Heller, whose iinper turable features were as solemn as an under taker, "there is your quarter and here is the egg, All right." As he opened the hist egg a brace of tive dolLtr gold pieces were discovered snugly deposited in the heart of the yolk, jingling them merrily together in his little p;dm, the servant coolly remarked : "Very good eggs, indeed. I rather like them ; and while I am about it I will buy a dozen. What is the price V" "I say price !" exclaimed the astonished daughter of Ham. "You couldn't, huv dem eggs* lnas'r, for all de money you's got. No, dat you couldn't. I'se gwinc to take dem eggs all home, I is ; an' dat mon ey in dem all belong to me. It does dat. Couldn't sell no more of dem eggs, nohow.' Amid the roar of the spectators the be nighted African started to her domicile to "smash dem eggs," but with what suc cess we are unable to relate. A WISCONSIN* ROMANCE. A Milwaukee paper tells a story of how a young table girJ a year ago took such good care of a young man from an Eastern city, who fell sick at one of the hotels there, that ho re covered. Full of gratitude to his young nurse, who disappeared before he was able to be out, he left a note of thanks for her, including a lottery ticket, which was all he left, which unexpectedly drew a prize of $5,70(1, on the receipt of which the girl went to school at the convent, when after sbrno eight months, through the postmas ter, to whom she had confided her affairs, she received a letter from the young man whom she had cared for offering his heart and hand, which she is now waiting in hap py mood to receive. NOT MARRIED.— It one of the courts, a few days since, a very pretty young lady appeared as a witness. Her testimony was likely to result unfavorably for the client of a pert young lawyer, who addressed her very superciliously with the inquiry : "Y'ou are married, I believe." "No, sir." "Oh 1 only about to l>e married ?" "No, sir." "Only wish to ?" "Really I don't kuow. Would ad vise such a step ?" "Oh, certainly!. lam a married man myself." '"ls it possible ? I never should have thought it. Is your wife blind or deaf ?" It is scarcely necessary to add, that the discomfitted attorney did not vouchsafe a reply. How SHE MAN AUEU Hut.—A married la dy gave a social entertainment to a party of female acquaintances, and wliile ragail ing tliem with accounts of a recent jour ney, a tremenduous thumping was heard proceeding from the garret. " What's that noise T T exclaimed one. "Oh, nothing unusual. Don't be at all alarmed, my dear friends ; it's only my husband. You see he persists in staying out very late every even ing, and I thought I would keep him in for once, so I got him to examine an imaginary leak in our roof, and wliile up there, fas tened the scuttle door ; that's all." Charlie ware of too sanguine dependence upon future" expectations. TERMS. $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance ItfiSE & flilifrfoisF. Spirits over {)roof —Printers' devils. Farmers like fat hogs—Printers' "devils" like fat copy, toa?" The bachelor has to look out for number one, the married man for number two. • JKcV" A earS in the shop window of it English corset-maker exhibits the follow ing singular instance of illiterate dioflpm : ".ill kinds of ladies stays here." kzji" The girls of Northampton have been sending a bachelor editor a bouquet of tan sy and wormwood. He says he don't care —he'd rather stiell that than matrimony. tk&~ A Chicago preacher has been point ing out "The Way to Hell." A wicked contemporary :*lds : "Persons desiring a complete guide to Chicago should purchase the sermon." |-y> The other day a minister was mar rying a male and female, the male a lift to tight, and when it was said,* "Those that God has joined together, let no man put asunder," the newly made husband shout ed, "You bet !" fsru?" An inquisitive young man visited the New Jersey State Prison the other day, and, among other questions asked a girl the cause of her Wing found *in such a place. Her rcplv was that she had stole a saw mill, and went back after the pond, and was arrested. Je ; ;r~ A woman lately looking at a press, 011 which the San Francisco Pro Press was being printed, looked up in the face of her mule companion, and in the most earnest manner inquired, "Arrnh, Tim! an' them's the things as writ es the pay per.s ? Be's them the things they call eydaters ? Holy Mother of Moses! does the Yankees lie ; abuse and blackguard aiteh other by ma chinery ? " I*®"- A Western paper, referring to the recent eokl snap in that region, says the leg of a marble statute was frozen stilt'.— It is thought it will have to lx- amputated. Barbers' poles, signs and lump posts were frozen otV. The air is so sharp that in many cases it is used to cut up sausage meat. Physicians have advised citizens not to breathe until the edge has been taken off. A benevolent gentleman in this town is busy day and night taking the edge off. He has had to engage an additional bar tender to assist him in his charitable work. A Utile boy came to school the other day with a very dirty. face. The teacher sent him out to wash it, and after awhile he returned, with the lower part clean and dry, hut the upper portium wao streaked with mud, and looked worst than lafore.— "Why didn't you wash your face, Johnny ?" asked the teacher. "I did wash it," *- plied Johnny. "Then why didn't yon wipe it clean all over ?" "I did wipe it as high as my shirt would roach;" was John ny's conclusive answer. PAT AXI> THE ALPHABET.— The following scene occurred recently in a schoolroom : "Ah, Pat, Pat!" exclaimed the school mist vess to a thick-headed urchin iutowho6C muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet—"l'm afraid you will never learn anything. Now what's that letter, - eh ? " "Sure I don't know, ma'am," replied Pat. "I thought you'd recollect that." "Why, ma'am ?" "Because it has a-dot over the top of it." "Och„ ma'am, I mind it w ell, but sbure I thought it was ant/speck." "Well, now remember, Pat, it's I.'. "You ma'am." "No, no, not U, but I." "Not T, but you, ma'am—how's that?" "Not I, but you, block-head." "O, v is, faith, now I have it, ma'am, you mean to say that I, not you, are a block head. " A Tolop Sroitv.—An old fellow who never 3 ielded the palm to any one in reel ing a knotty yarn, was put to his trumps at hearing a traveler state that ho saw a brick house placed upon runners and drawn up a hill to a more favorable location, some half a mile distant. "What do you think of that, Uucld Eithel ? " said a bystander. "0, fudge," said the old man, "I once saw a two-storv stone house down East, drawn by oxen for the distance of three miles." A dead silence ensued. The oi l nian ev idently had the worst end of it, and he saw it. Gathering his energies he bit offa huge bite of pig tail byway of gaining time for thought, "They drawed the stone house." paid he, ejecting a quantity of tobacco juice towards the fireplace; "but thut wasn't the worst of the job—-arter they'd done that, they Went back and drawed the ccllaflf." The stranger gave in. NO. 32.