HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher,
VOL. VII.
tUpming fßmocrat.
A Democratic weekly fr ,
Trs >'e*r, th Arts ft
*1 sciences 4c. Pub- 1
i, at Tunkhannock ~,
6Y HARVEY SICKIER
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JOB WORK
of all kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit
the times.
All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB
WORK must he paid for, when ordered
BusiHess X oftccs.
RiuTw E LITTLE ATTORNEYS AT
LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhannock Pa
HSU COOPER, PHYSICIAN 4 SURGIOK
• Newton Ceutre. Luzerne County Pa.
0 1,. PARRMSH. ATTORNEY AT LAW.
• (iffi-e t the Court House, in Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. Pa
M. .11. I'lA l 1, ATTORNEY AT Lav\ of
lice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
aicnock, Pa.
U J CHASE. ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL
-1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
L-,ecial attention given to settlement of dece
dent's estates
Nicholson, Pa. Dec. o, lßjp—fislSjt
Mj. WHAOR, ATTORXFY AT LAW, Col
lecting and Real Esiate Agent, iowa Lands
fur sale. Scranton, PU. 3Slf.
T W. RHOADS. PHYSICI AN A SURGEON,
J. will attend promptly to all calls in bis pro
fession. May be found at bis Office at the Drug
store, orat his residence on Putman Sreet, lormerly
•coupled bv A. K. Peckham Esq.
DENTISTRY.
DR. I, T. BURNS his permanently located in
Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders
t " professional services to its citizens.
Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
h'.linan.
tSnlGtf.
PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE,
AND
ORNAMENTAL
FATNXTIJVO.
7>y V. TtCGJMi, Artist.
Room* over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's
Inck Block,
TUNKHANNOCK, FA.
Life-size Portraits painted from Ambrotvpes or
Phot..graphs— Photographs Painted in OilCilora. —
All orders for paintings executed according to or
*r, or no charge wade.
instructions given in Drawing, Sketching,
P-.rtrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
C'-lors and in all branches of the art,
Tunk , July 3S, 'g7 -vgnoO tf.
HTJFFDKU HOUSE.
TUNKHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA.
Tni> ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY
1 been red!ted and furnished in the latest style,
bery a tiootion will be given to the comfort and
fiieiiitncC ot those who j atp nize the House.
11, IH'FFORD i'roprietor.
Tunkhannock, Pa., June 17, 1669—v7n44.
BOLTON HOUSE7
HAKKISHI'ItG, PENNA.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
' Lt'EIILEK HOUSE " property, has already corn
ten e I-a,-h alterations and improvements as will
f 'ler this old and popular House rqual, if not supe
r ' to any Hotel in the City of llarrisburg.
A continuance oP the public patronage is refpect
- y solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL7
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.
Till-- e.tablishment has recently been refitted an
_ lurntshc lin the latest style Every attention
•U he gircn to the comfort and convenience of those
the llou'e.
T B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor :
Jlunkhannock, September 11. 1961.
MEANS' HOTEL.
TOWAIMDA, PA.
, )• 11. BARTLET.
iLate of Z U "BRAINCAN Horse, ELM IRA, N. Y.
V'KOPKIGTOK.
J h MEANS HOTEL, i-one of the LARGEST
t . BEST ARRANGED houses in the country—lt
* ''"t up in the most modern and improved style
it, ®° P* l os are spared to make it a pleasanUnd
Pteable stopping p;ace for all,
ao2l-ly.
U'Uituercial C Qllege.—The sueeess of Gard
*r ' Business Cole re and Ladies' at
bus surpuwe J all expectation. The course
•ad ' s D,ore ihopol: >B h - th,s terms are cheaper—
&'* belter satisfaction than any other College
,l e '■' id in Northern Pennsylvania. Life Scbol
f'.j Clubs at reduced rates. Send tor
' ; Paper giving lull patticulara. Address J. I
Uirdutr, Principal, Scranton, Pa. u7nlUyl j
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 1868.
IWriHu Column.
Spring Trade for '6B
Will open on or about the Ist of May,
AT TUNKHANNOCK. PEI'A.
C. Detricli,
(grCCMSSOB TO BCSSELL k BAXNATYNE,)
Proposes to establish himself permanently
in trade at this place, at the Brick
store house in Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices he expects to merit and
receive the public patronage.
:o:
Attention is called to the following in
Dry Goods :
SILKS,
POPLINS,
ALPACAS,
LUSTRES,
DELAINES.
GINGHAM-!,
PRINTS,
SHAWLS.
LAITIES' SACaUINGS,
DRESS TRIMMINGS,
BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS,
CLOTHS AND CASSIMERES
GENTS' FUBNISHIKO GOODS'
TOILET ARTICLES.
NOTIONS, AC.
:o:
Groceries.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE,
MOLASSES,
RICE,
SYRUP,
CANDLES,
SOAP,
STARCH,
FLOUR,
FEED,
SALT,
PORK,
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
DRIED BEEF,
HAMS,
FISH of all kinds,
BEANS,
AC., AC.,
:o:
Hardware,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Cutlery
OF ALL KINDS,
MEN'S AND BOYS'
Hats and Caps.
;o:
Boots $ Shoes,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Thia branch of busioew made a ipeciality. A lot of
SEWED ARMY SHOES,
A GREAT BARGAIN,
SOLE LEATHER.
CROCKERY.
STONE,
WOOD AND
TIM WARE,
in great variety.
All kind* of Produce taken in exchange for Good*.
The above article* will be kept in full assortment.
I mean to make the experiment of goods so|d in
qqantites cheaper than ever before in this vtcinity,
I shall be happy to see you, and yon can depeDd up
on finding bargains in every department, Goods re
ceived every week.
Respectfully yours,
c vzmrcA. \
A GIRL'S FIRST OFFER.
There are two deplorable extremes, into
one of which a young trirl usually falls on
receiving her " first offer."
The worst and most frequent of these is
that of fancying herself in love, when, in
realitv, she does not care a fig for her
lover! The other consists in a coquettish
pride which leads her, against the dictates
of her own judgement, and the inclinations
of her own heart, to reject a siutor, how
ever worthy.
Now, when a man offers a woman his
hand, with all the accompaniments of his
heart, and name and fortune, —whether
these be exalted or lowly,—he pays her
the highest compliments in his power.—
Undoubtedly she has a right to feel com
plimented, and she must be untrue to her
womanhood does she not in some measure
feel so, even though her suitor be beneath
her regard ; and the compliment will be
valued very much in proportion to her
estimate of the man.
Rut take a young girl, whose imagina
tion is colored with the hues of a summer s
sun rising, whose dovelike soul is wailing
on quiveting wing for loves first mes
sage ; who>e gentle hcait pul-ates in an
ticipation of love's ecstasy. \V hen, in her
Maymorn, one comes offering her the
sweetest and brightest of life s fragrance
and beauty—does she pause to see if there
be any dust on his garments, any stain on
his hands, any film on his eyes, any base
ness on his heart ?
No!—intoxieated with the perfume and
bewildered with the beauty, he stands in
the radiance of her rising sun, and sees
the lover beneath its golden light.
Many a woman has blighted her own
life, and that of the one she loved, by in
dulging a passion for coquetry! Having
charms of which she is fully conscious;
enpowercd perhaps, with all the advantages
of wealth, position and accomplishments,
she proudly measures her power, and
says ;
" I am equal to great conquests ; and
shall I, thus early, submit to be conquer
ed ! I have cords with which to lead
many captives ; and shall I yield my hands
to be manacled ? I have power to bring
the proud head low —to melt the heart ot
stone. — to wiing the nerve ot steel; and
shall I put my head on the block —my
bcart iu the crucible— my own nerves in
the vice 1 ? No ! when 1 have had a sur
feit of these delights—tlieu —"
But the time referred to in the long fu
turity of the little word " then " seldom
comes to the coquette. Tt wiil always be
" then." The " accepted time " is never
near when once we have let the opportuni
ty pass. Why will not women be warn
ed ?
Assuredly, to be loved implies some de
gree of loveliness, and she mav be pardon
ed for feeling gratified with this highest
of all complimeuts-this subtleness ot all tlac
tery. But why should she unhesitatingly
throw herself into aims that may be ex
tended only to ensnare her I On the
other hand, why does she turn proudly
from the embrace of one who may be fit
ted to meet every want ol her woman
hood ?
Young girl, answer these questions to
your own heart and when you receive your
"first offer" be not so flattered or self-de
ceived as either to accept or reject with
out careful deliberation.
Don't imagine that this is the last "chance '
you will ever have ; neither for the sake of
flirting throw it away.
VORACITY OF ANTS, —About ninety
years ago the island of Grenada, in the
West Indies, was invaded by prodigous
number of a particular kind of ant, which
makes its nest under the roots of plants,
and the sugar-canes were so weakened
and injured in consequence, that the plan
tations became nearly unproductive. —
An account says: " They descended
from the hills like torrents, and the plan
tations, as well as evety path and road, for
-miles, with them. Pais, mice and reptiles
of every kind became an easy prey to
them ; and even the birds, which th y at
tacked when they lighted on the ground
in search of food, were so harrassed as to
be at length unable to resist tliern.—
Streams ot water opposed only a tempo
rary obstacle to their progress ; the fore
most blindly rushing to certain death, and
fresh armies instantly following, till a
bank was formed of the carcasses of those
which were drowned, sufficient to dam up
the waters and allow the main body to
pass over iD safety below. Even fire was
tried without effect. When it was lighted
to arrest their route, they rushed into the
Maze in snch myriads as to extinguish it,"
A reward oT $20,000 was offered in vain
for an effectual means of destroying them ;
but in 1780 a hurricane, which tore up
the canes and exposed their habitations to
a deluge of rain, freed the island from this
plague.
Friends are like the nigger's moon.
44 Neber shine dark nights."
Why is a quack like a locomotive ? Be
cause he canoot go without pulling.
•' I wonder what causes iny eyes to be
so weak / " said a fop to a gentleman.
44 They are in a weak place, " was the
reply of the latter.
Tbe following is one of the two or three
lines in the English language that read
precisely the same backward as forward :
Snug end raw waa I ere I saw war and guns.
W hat is meaner than a Black Republi
can ? Two Black Republicans.
44 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
JOSH BILLINGS ON CUPID.
It is real singular what a man-killer and
woman-killer the god Cupid is, for his heff.
He is pictured on paper about the size of
a four vear-old fat bov baby, with a pair of
wings ahout as large as a boss but
terlly, and is armed with a bow and ar
rows, that might possibly kill bumble bees
at four paces.
The little fellow has bagged more game
with his wooden shutting irons than all that
has ever been built can brag of.
lie has in his quiver innumerable arrows,
some of tlrem dipped in genuine love, and
feathered with good sense; put most of them
would seem too trifling tew be at all dan
gerous if I hadn't with my own eyes no
ticed him at work with them, both on male
and female game, hotli silting and Hying,
and seen the many deJ shots he has made.
I have been at some pains for the last
tew sezons two watch his manoovcrs wliare
I have happened tew be,and the following
record is a faithful history of this little
chap's bizz.
Ben Slocurn, aged ninteen years,weighed
IUU pounds, and a good eater, at work by
the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn,
received his death wound from a gartet be,
longing to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired
girl, as the said Tucker was learning tew
jump the rope down the garden.
Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I.S.
Freelove, esq., who could play big on the
pianny, and bad studied Latin one quarter,
was shot thru and thru by a paper of Stu
ari's mixed candies that Frank Fever sent
her.
John Davis got his mutton cooked by a
spit curl .that was dangling ou Argeline's
check.
Sally Munson deceased without struggle.
Cause—Diuk Fenton.s No 7 patent leath
er boots, California solitaire.
Situ Bunson butcher, wounded with a hoop
skirt, got better; then was struck plump
dead by a false calf on Chestnut street.
Lawrence Peters, aged sixty, for thirty
years a consistent bachelor, lived only an
hour in great agony, after eating warm ap
pie pies at Widow Stebhin's.
Frank Hunter,maimed for life' by a black
balinoral with an orange stripe in it.
Willie what's his name, by the flutter of
Jenny Jones' velveteen, and the jingle of
her father's money -
GOOD MAXIMS. —An action cannot be
perfectly good, unless pure in its motives;
that is, unless the motives are virtuous, and
free from any mixture of vice.
If we commit small faults without regret
to day,we shall commit greater cues to nior
row.
Pride is the most rediculous and foolish
of all vices.
In everything we do,however trifling, we
ought to reflect and reason, otherwise we
shall never do anything well.
Idleness renders ns unfit for anything.
Flattery is more prejudical than rude
ness or anger.
We owe the greatest gratitude to them
that tell us the truth.
Calumny is 4he voice of those who have
neither a good heart nor a good under
standing.
We ought never to believe ill of any one
till we are certain of it. Wo ought not to
say anyiheng that is rude and displeasing
in joke, and even then we ought not to
carry the joke too far.
The longer the saw of contention is
drawn the hotter it grows.
In matters of conscience, first thoughts
are best. In matters of prudence, last
thoughts are best.
Lying is a vice so very infamous that
the greater liar cannot bear it in other men.
LAUGH AND GROW FAT.— lleed ye all
this command. Laugh while you may.
'Tis better to laugli than to cry. Tears
are a crying evil. Don't cry for spilt milk.
An ocean ot tears wouldn't save a drop of
it. Dry up and laugh. Laughing is catch
ing. Laugh early and olten. Laugh
then, and let others catch it, and thereby
become a bent factor to your kind. We
will wager this is good advice. A good
laughter never gets the dvspepsia. and
lives to die at a good old, age, provided he
doesn't travel much on railroad. Methu
selah was an incessant, and he lived up
wards of nine hundred years; hut then
provsions wern't as high as now. There
were no railroads, in days neither Laugh
lauuh out but not in meetin' - Don't
choke a laugh; let it come lip full,clear and
hearty. Even the waters laugh. Didn't
Longtellw write of a " Laughig WatcY ?"
Can't you sing of a round, laughing moon ?
And there are laughing hyenas. Dou t
be outdone by waters, moon and hyenas.
Resolve to laugh from this hour. If you
eau'i find anything to laugh at. laugh at
yourself. We warrant you have abundant
cause. At any rate, Hugh- W r c never
knew a jolly, good laughter to be sent to
the Slate Prison or Congress.
OLD SPANISH PROVERBS. —lie is a rich
man w ho has God for a friend.
Tie is the best scholar who hath learned
to live well.
A handful of mother is worth a bushel
of learning.
When all men say you are an ass.it is time
to bray.
Change of weather finds discourse for
fools.
God comes to seek or look upon us with
out a bell.
You had better leave your enemy some
thing when you die, than live to beg of
your friends.
He is my friend who grinds at my mill.
Saying and doing do not dine together.
TWO YOUNG LADIES IN A FIX.
A ludicious scene occurred within a
. thousand miles of Indianapolis, not a great
while ago, at least not long enough to be
forgotten. We suppress names, and give
the story as it was told by one of the In
! dianapolls weekly newspapers. Two
; young ladies Were visiting another young
lady, their cousin. The three were fond
of jokes, and continually playing them off
;on each other. On the night in question,
i two of them attended a party, from which
they returned at 12.J o'clock. Tire third
; one remained at home, and to avoid dis
turbing her—for the three slept in the
same bed—and others in the house, they
; entered through the window. Here a dif
i ficnlty occurred, caused by the fact that
after they had left home a young minister
arrived on a visit. lie was given the
room occupied by the young ladies, and
the one who had remained at home sat up
to inform the others that different apart
ments had been assigned to them. She wait
ed in the parlor, for that purpose, but un
luckily fell asleep, and a* the two young
ladies did not come in by the door, but
stepped into their own room by the win
dow, she slept on. When the - two others
entered they saw Fanny's figure, As they
supposed, in bed, but were puzz'ed also to
see by the bedside a pair of boots. The
truth flashed upon them both at once.—
They saw it all. Fanny had set the boots
in the room to give them a good scare.—
They put their heads together and deter-,
mined to turn the tables on her. Silently
they disrobed, and as stealithy as cats took
their positions on each side of the bed.—
At a given signal they both jumped into
the bed, one on each side of the unconsci -
ous person, laughing and screainine, " Oh,
what a man ! " tbey gave the poor be
wildered minister such a promiscuous hug
ging and tousling as few persons are able
to brag of in the course of a lifetime.
The noi<e of this proceeding awoke the
old lady, who was sleeping in an adjoin
ing room. She comprehended the situa
tion in a moment, and rushing to the
room, she opened the door and exclaimed :
"My Lord, gals, it is a man; it is a man,
sure enough! " There was one prolong
ed, consolidated scream ; a flash of muslin
through the door, and all was over, 'lhe
best of the joke is that the minister took
the whole thing in earnest He would
listen to no apologies the old lady would
make for the girls. He would hear no ex
cuse, but he solemnly folded his clerical
lobes, around him and took bis depar
ture. — New Albany Commercial,
XW To hoar Gough tell the "drugger"
story is worth a quarter at any time. The
story is a capital one, but it takes the man
to tell it. This he does in some sueh
words as these :
A long, lean, gaunt Yankee, entered a
drug store and asked :
" Be you the drugger ? "
. 41 Well, I suppose so, I sell drugs."
44 Waal, hev you got any uv this here
scentin' stuff as tbe gala put on there he
kechers ? "
"O. yes,"
44 Waal, our Sal's gwine to get married,
and she gin me ninepcnce and told me to
invest the hull amount in scentin' stuff, so's
to make her sweet, if I could find some to
suit; so if you've a mind I'll just smell
around."
The Yankee sraelled around without
being suited until the druggist got tired of
him ; and taking down a bottle of harts
horn, he said :
" I've got a scentin' stuff that will suit
you. A single drop on your handker
chief will stay for weeks, aud you can't
wash it out, but to get the strength of it
you must take a big smell,"
"Is that so, Mister ? Waal just hold
on a minute till I get my breath, and when
I say neow, you put it under my smeller."
The hartshorn of course knocked the
Yankee down, as liquor has done many a
man. Do you suppose he got up and
smelt again, as a drunkard docs ?. Not
he; but rolling up his sleeves and doub
ling up his fists he said :
" You made me smell that tarnel ever
lasting stuff', Mister, and now I'll make
you surell fire and brimstone."
GOOD.—" Papa," said a little urchin to
his father the other day, " I saw a printer
go down the street just now."
" Did you, sonny. Why do you think
that person is a printer?"
" 'Cause I do, papa."
" But he might have been a carpenter,
blacksmith or shoemaker."
" Oh, no, papa, he is a printer ; for be
was gnawing a bone, and lie had no stock
ings on, the crown was out of his hat, and
his coat was all torn. I'm certain he is a
printer, papa."
THE WEATHER TOT. —A Bostonian
says the Commercial Advertiser, has a toy
barometer on exhibition, which consists of
a miniature cottage, with two doors. At
one of these stands a man clad in such
purple and fine linen as constitute a Sun
day-go-to meeting garb in New England,
while at the oilier stands a female arrayed
in like apparel These twain seem to
watch the impending weath r. If there
arc signs of rain, the man, with a noble
bravery worthy of a better fate, steps
bohllv out of doors, while the woman
shrinks into the cottage. But if the sign
are favorable, the woman goes forth to
shop and gossip, while the man stays at
home to keep house ar.d babv. A ther
mometer forms part of the household fur
niture of this institution.
A timely tunc—oppor-tune.
AMERICAN HUMOR.— Colonel Isaac
Banes,of Boston, who died a few weeks
ago, was an officer under the United States
Government He was a man of great wit
and humor, full of rare and racy stories,
which he always told with the most im
perturbable gravity, while his listeners
I were convfileed with laughter. IJis stories
always received a flavor from his peculiar
voice which was quite thin and pitched
upon a high key, and in his latter Years,
i "turned towards childish treble."
In his last sickness, be very forcibly
illustrated I'ope's well known line of the
"Ruling passion strong in death."
His physician caine in, an evening or
two before he died, and asked him how he
! was feeling.
"Shan't live till morning," said the Col.
feebly
"Ob, yes, I think you will } you don't
i seem to be very near your end."
"Yes, I am," piped out the Colonel.
The doctor then felt of his feet, and
finding them quite warm, said, "I think
there is no immediate danger.
Can't help it ; shan't live till morning,"
persisted the sick man.
"But," said the doctor, "your extremi
ties are warm, Colonel. Did yon ever
know one to be very near dying whose
feet were as warm as yours ?"
"That's nothing to do with it. I Blian't
live till morning." wheezed out the Colo
nel, as if he were determined to die.
"You are quite unreasonable, Colonel,"
gently interposed the Doctor. "I never
knew a man to be very near his end whose
feet were as warm as yours."
"Well, I have."
"Who, I pray ?"
Turning toward the Doctor, with a droll
twinkk* in Lis eyes, lie laboringly gasped
out—" John Rogers."
jt^pAßAOßAPiis.—Sisters of Charity—
Faith and hope.
Be temperate in diet Our fust parents
ate themselves out of house and home.
Give strict attention to your own affairs,
and consider your wife one of them.
Never give your tongue its liberty; let
it always be your servent never your mas
ter .
It is to sleep with an empty stomach
than to lie awake with accusing conscience.
Soft sop, is some-shape, pleases all, and
generaly speaking,tlre more lye you put in
the better.
Public Spirited. Young ladies who al
low their father's bouse to be used for a
court house.
Happiness is a perfume that one cannot
shed over another without a few drops
falling on one's self.
If any one speaks ill of tlieo, consider
whether he lias truth on his side if so re
form thyself.
It is not until the flower has fallen off
that the frsst begins to ripen. So in life
it is when romance is past that practical use
fulness begins.
I never knew how it was, but I always
seemed fo have the most come in when I
gave the most away.
Four things come not back: the spoken
word, the sped arrow, the past life, and
the neglected opportunity.
Wear your learning,like votir watch,in a
private pocket, ar.d don't pull it out to show
that you have one; but if you are asked
what o'clock it is, tell it.
Afew weeks since a baby was taken
to a church to he baptized, and his little
brother was present during the rite. On
the following Sunday, when the baby was
being washed and dressed, his little broth
er asked his mother if she intended to car
ry Willy to be christened ? "Why, no,"
said his mother; "don't you know, my son,
people nre not baptized twice?" "What.'
returned the young reasoner, with the ut
most astonishment in his, face, "not if it
didn't take first time'.
XW A little girl on hearing her moth
er say that she intended to go to a ball
and have her dress with "bugles," inno
cently inquired if the bugles would blow
up while she danced. Oh, no, said the
mother, your father will do that when he
discovers I have bought them.
XW A boy in one of our Baptist fami
lies, the other Sunday morning, commenc
ed blacking his boots. " Why, Barber,"
said the mother, 44 didn't you know this is
the Lord's day ? " "Well, "replied he,
"if the Lord does come to-day, ho won't
find me with a pair of old rusty boots on."
" What's the matter, my dear ? " said a
wife to her husband, who had sat for half
an hour with his face buried in his hands,
apparently in great tribulation. 44 On ! I
don't know," said he : " I have felt like a
fool all day." " Well," replied the wife,
consolingly, "I am afraid you will never
get anv better; you look the very picture
of what you feel."
A young lady being asked to waltz,
gave the following sensible aud appropri
ate answer. No, I thaitk you sir, I have
hugging enough at home.
Mrs. Partington has been reading the
health officer's weekly reports, and thinks
thai "Total" must be an awful malignant
disease, since as many die of it as all the
rest put together.
X3T A dutch woman desired to adver
tise her pony, that had lost himself, mit
a tail frisky ver much, and strike ver hard
mit hind fist.
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
lUise aiilj
"My SOD, would you suppose that the
Lord's Prayer could be engraved in * space
no larger than a nickel cent 1"
"Why, yes, father ;if a cent is as big iri
everybody's eyes as it appears to be in yourS,
I think there would he no difficulty in put
ting it on about four times.''
At a trial of negro conspirators in Lynch
burg, Va., a negro witness, in reply to tbo
question why they wanted to kill another
negro, replied : "Because people said ho
would not vote the Radical ticket, and that
he carried tales to the white people ; and
(raising his voice to a high key) because he
was no better than a while man /"
Sentimental young lady to perfumer : "I
|do not think you forwarded the scent 1
meant; it seems entirely different from that
I ordered," *r
Perfumer, who is fond of punning : '•'Mad
am, lam sure what you meant I sent; the
scent I sent was the scent you meant ; con
sequently we are both of one sentiment."
EXTREME DELICACY.—"IS there anything
the matter ?"
"There is, sir,'' was the host's savage re
ply.
"Have I given any offense V •'
"You have, sir."
' Really, I am ignorant of it."
"Well, sir, let me tell you sifch language
won't suit here."
"My dear sir, what language ? We were
only talsing of soup !"
"Yes, sir, but you said ox-tuil /"
"Well, suppose I did ?"
"Why, sir, its that very wnrd that sent
all the ladies blushing out of the room—its
highly unbecoming language—very improper,
indeed !"
"But, my dear sir, what would you have
me say ? I called the soup by its proper
name didn't I ?"
"No, sir, you did not; and whenever yem
have occasion to speak of that particular
soup again, never say Qp-tattl Say j Fly
dispenser soup ! that's the proper word sir."
An instance of connubial affection is nar
rated as occuring lately in New Hampshire.
A couple had quarreled during the wholo
term of their married life. At last the htrs
band was taken ill, and evidently about to
die. His wife came to Lis bedsulc, where,
afier she had seen his condition,the following
colloquy ensued :
"Wy, daddy, your feet are col J, your
hands are cold, aud yoar nose is cold."
"Wa'al let urn be cold-"
" Hy, daddy, you're goin' to die."
"Wa'al, I guess I know wot I'm about."
" Wy, daddy, wut'a to becum of me if rou
die ?"
"Dunno, and don't care ! Wat I want to
know is, wat's to tecum of me
L * . a
The nervous man is the original, iiarp of
one thousand strings.
He is a riddle, past finding out
The tread ov an elephant don't shake him,
but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in
the wainscot.
He also turneth pale at the coming of the
spider.
He lafLth when the whirlwind iz on a
bender ; but shuddercth when the striped
suaik walks out for au airing.
He gazeth at the red lightning with joy
when it gnasheth the heavens ; but the
scales of his back lift up in horror when old
Baxter files a handsaw.
My advice tew the nervous man iz, tew
drink milk for a living, and, for excitement,
chaw spruce gnm.—Josh Billings.
4* ;■
Prentice, having been asked to act as
stake holler on an impeachment bet, replies
that be never holds any but beef steaks.
Behind the Scenes—St.ge manager -
"/ohn, go and see if the ballet girls are all
dressed, for it is time to ring up the curtain.''
Boy returns—"Aboat read}-, sir ; got most
of their clothes oil."
Running off with another man's wife is
styled latceny in St. Louis,—Petty (coat)
larceny probably.
Bachelor at breakfast—Dear me ,Susan,
that's a very small egg ! Susan—Yes, sir.it
is—but it was only laid this morning, sir !
Wc find recorded in a Western paper the
marriage of Samuel Mann and Sarah Price.—
That Mann is more lucky than most men,
having got his price.
An editor out West says he would as soon
try to get to sea on a shingle, make a ladder
of fog, chase a streak of lightning through a
crab-apple orchard, swim heels first up Ni
agara river, or set Lake Erie on fire with a
wet match, as to slop lovers from getting
married when they lake it into their heads
| tO dO 60.
Plug tobacco packed in peanuts, is the last
device to defraud the reveuue, probably quid
nuues.
[ Time on the jump—leap }tars.
M. 4t>;