HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher, VOL. VII. tUpming fßmocrat. A Democratic weekly fr , Trs >'e*r, th Arts ft *1 sciences 4c. Pub- 1 i, at Tunkhannock ~, 6Y HARVEY SICKIER Terms—l copy 1 year, (tn advance) $2,00 ; if Sot paid within six months. &2.50 will be charged NO paper will he DISCONTINUED, unt'.l all ar rsaragesre paid; unless at the option of publisher. RATES OF "ADVERTISING. TEN USES CONSTITUTE A SQUARE. One square one or three insertioue $1 50 Every suhseqm nt insertion less than 9 0 HEAL ESTATE, PERSONAL PROPERTY, anl GENERAL ADVERTISING, as tnay be agreed upon. PATENT MEDICINES and other advertisements Dy the column : One colnmn, 1 year, SCO Half column, I year 35 Third column, 1 year, 25 Fourth column, 1 year, 20 Business Cards of one square or less, per year with paper, $B. K'JF" EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITEM advertising—with •ut Advertisement —15 rts. per line. Liberal terms made with permanent advertisers . EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, $2,50 ORITUARIES.- "Tcccdin? ten lines, each ; RFLI GlOl'Sand LITERARY NOTICES, not of general merest, one half tne regular rates. Advertisements tnut be handed in by TUES DAY NOON, to insure insertion the same week. JOB WORK of all kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit the times. All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB WORK must he paid for, when ordered BusiHess X oftccs. RiuTw E LITTLE ATTORNEYS AT LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhannock Pa HSU COOPER, PHYSICIAN 4 SURGIOK • Newton Ceutre. Luzerne County Pa. 0 1,. PARRMSH. ATTORNEY AT LAW. • (iffi-e t the Court House, in Tunkhanock Wyoming Co. Pa M. .11. I'lA l 1, ATTORNEY AT Lav\ of lice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk aicnock, Pa. U J CHASE. ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL -1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa L-,ecial attention given to settlement of dece dent's estates Nicholson, Pa. Dec. o, lßjp—fislSjt Mj. WHAOR, ATTORXFY AT LAW, Col lecting and Real Esiate Agent, iowa Lands fur sale. Scranton, PU. 3Slf. T W. RHOADS. PHYSICI AN A SURGEON, J. will attend promptly to all calls in bis pro fession. May be found at bis Office at the Drug store, orat his residence on Putman Sreet, lormerly •coupled bv A. K. Peckham Esq. DENTISTRY. DR. I, T. BURNS his permanently located in Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders t " professional services to its citizens. Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr. h'.linan. tSnlGtf. PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE, AND ORNAMENTAL FATNXTIJVO. 7>y V. TtCGJMi, Artist. Room* over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's Inck Block, TUNKHANNOCK, FA. Life-size Portraits painted from Ambrotvpes or Phot..graphs— Photographs Painted in OilCilora. — All orders for paintings executed according to or *r, or no charge wade. instructions given in Drawing, Sketching, P-.rtrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water C'-lors and in all branches of the art, Tunk , July 3S, 'g7 -vgnoO tf. HTJFFDKU HOUSE. TUNKHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA. Tni> ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY 1 been red!ted and furnished in the latest style, bery a tiootion will be given to the comfort and fiieiiitncC ot those who j atp nize the House. 11, IH'FFORD i'roprietor. Tunkhannock, Pa., June 17, 1669—v7n44. BOLTON HOUSE7 HAKKISHI'ItG, PENNA. The undersigned having lately purchased the ' Lt'EIILEK HOUSE " property, has already corn ten e I-a,-h alterations and improvements as will f 'ler this old and popular House rqual, if not supe r ' to any Hotel in the City of llarrisburg. A continuance oP the public patronage is refpect - y solicited. GEO. J. BOLTON WALL'S HOTEL7 LATE AMERICAN HOUSE TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. Till-- e.tablishment has recently been refitted an _ lurntshc lin the latest style Every attention •U he gircn to the comfort and convenience of those the llou'e. T B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor : Jlunkhannock, September 11. 1961. MEANS' HOTEL. TOWAIMDA, PA. , )• 11. BARTLET. iLate of Z U "BRAINCAN Horse, ELM IRA, N. Y. V'KOPKIGTOK. J h MEANS HOTEL, i-one of the LARGEST t . BEST ARRANGED houses in the country—lt * ''"t up in the most modern and improved style it, ®° P* l os are spared to make it a pleasanUnd Pteable stopping p;ace for all, ao2l-ly. U'Uituercial C Qllege.—The sueeess of Gard *r ' Business Cole re and Ladies' at bus surpuwe J all expectation. The course •ad ' s D,ore ihopol: >B h - th,s terms are cheaper— &'* belter satisfaction than any other College ,l e '■' id in Northern Pennsylvania. Life Scbol f'.j Clubs at reduced rates. Send tor ' ; Paper giving lull patticulara. Address J. I Uirdutr, Principal, Scranton, Pa. u7nlUyl j TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 1868. IWriHu Column. Spring Trade for '6B Will open on or about the Ist of May, AT TUNKHANNOCK. PEI'A. C. Detricli, (grCCMSSOB TO BCSSELL k BAXNATYNE,) Proposes to establish himself permanently in trade at this place, at the Brick store house in Sam'l Stark's Block, where by fair dealing and fair prices he expects to merit and receive the public patronage. :o: Attention is called to the following in Dry Goods : SILKS, POPLINS, ALPACAS, LUSTRES, DELAINES. GINGHAM-!, PRINTS, SHAWLS. LAITIES' SACaUINGS, DRESS TRIMMINGS, BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS, CLOTHS AND CASSIMERES GENTS' FUBNISHIKO GOODS' TOILET ARTICLES. NOTIONS, AC. :o: Groceries. SUGAR, TEA, COFFEE, MOLASSES, RICE, SYRUP, CANDLES, SOAP, STARCH, FLOUR, FEED, SALT, PORK, BUTTER, CHEESE, DRIED BEEF, HAMS, FISH of all kinds, BEANS, AC., AC., :o: Hardware, A FULL ASSORTMENT. Cutlery OF ALL KINDS, MEN'S AND BOYS' Hats and Caps. ;o: Boots $ Shoes, A FULL ASSORTMENT. Thia branch of busioew made a ipeciality. A lot of SEWED ARMY SHOES, A GREAT BARGAIN, SOLE LEATHER. CROCKERY. STONE, WOOD AND TIM WARE, in great variety. All kind* of Produce taken in exchange for Good*. The above article* will be kept in full assortment. I mean to make the experiment of goods so|d in qqantites cheaper than ever before in this vtcinity, I shall be happy to see you, and yon can depeDd up on finding bargains in every department, Goods re ceived every week. Respectfully yours, c vzmrcA. \ A GIRL'S FIRST OFFER. There are two deplorable extremes, into one of which a young trirl usually falls on receiving her " first offer." The worst and most frequent of these is that of fancying herself in love, when, in realitv, she does not care a fig for her lover! The other consists in a coquettish pride which leads her, against the dictates of her own judgement, and the inclinations of her own heart, to reject a siutor, how ever worthy. Now, when a man offers a woman his hand, with all the accompaniments of his heart, and name and fortune, —whether these be exalted or lowly,—he pays her the highest compliments in his power.— Undoubtedly she has a right to feel com plimented, and she must be untrue to her womanhood does she not in some measure feel so, even though her suitor be beneath her regard ; and the compliment will be valued very much in proportion to her estimate of the man. Rut take a young girl, whose imagina tion is colored with the hues of a summer s sun rising, whose dovelike soul is wailing on quiveting wing for loves first mes sage ; who>e gentle hcait pul-ates in an ticipation of love's ecstasy. \V hen, in her Maymorn, one comes offering her the sweetest and brightest of life s fragrance and beauty—does she pause to see if there be any dust on his garments, any stain on his hands, any film on his eyes, any base ness on his heart ? No!—intoxieated with the perfume and bewildered with the beauty, he stands in the radiance of her rising sun, and sees the lover beneath its golden light. Many a woman has blighted her own life, and that of the one she loved, by in dulging a passion for coquetry! Having charms of which she is fully conscious; enpowercd perhaps, with all the advantages of wealth, position and accomplishments, she proudly measures her power, and says ; " I am equal to great conquests ; and shall I, thus early, submit to be conquer ed ! I have cords with which to lead many captives ; and shall I yield my hands to be manacled ? I have power to bring the proud head low —to melt the heart ot stone. — to wiing the nerve ot steel; and shall I put my head on the block —my bcart iu the crucible— my own nerves in the vice 1 ? No ! when 1 have had a sur feit of these delights—tlieu —" But the time referred to in the long fu turity of the little word " then " seldom comes to the coquette. Tt wiil always be " then." The " accepted time " is never near when once we have let the opportuni ty pass. Why will not women be warn ed ? Assuredly, to be loved implies some de gree of loveliness, and she mav be pardon ed for feeling gratified with this highest of all complimeuts-this subtleness ot all tlac tery. But why should she unhesitatingly throw herself into aims that may be ex tended only to ensnare her I On the other hand, why does she turn proudly from the embrace of one who may be fit ted to meet every want ol her woman hood ? Young girl, answer these questions to your own heart and when you receive your "first offer" be not so flattered or self-de ceived as either to accept or reject with out careful deliberation. Don't imagine that this is the last "chance ' you will ever have ; neither for the sake of flirting throw it away. VORACITY OF ANTS, —About ninety years ago the island of Grenada, in the West Indies, was invaded by prodigous number of a particular kind of ant, which makes its nest under the roots of plants, and the sugar-canes were so weakened and injured in consequence, that the plan tations became nearly unproductive. — An account says: " They descended from the hills like torrents, and the plan tations, as well as evety path and road, for -miles, with them. Pais, mice and reptiles of every kind became an easy prey to them ; and even the birds, which th y at tacked when they lighted on the ground in search of food, were so harrassed as to be at length unable to resist tliern.— Streams ot water opposed only a tempo rary obstacle to their progress ; the fore most blindly rushing to certain death, and fresh armies instantly following, till a bank was formed of the carcasses of those which were drowned, sufficient to dam up the waters and allow the main body to pass over iD safety below. Even fire was tried without effect. When it was lighted to arrest their route, they rushed into the Maze in snch myriads as to extinguish it," A reward oT $20,000 was offered in vain for an effectual means of destroying them ; but in 1780 a hurricane, which tore up the canes and exposed their habitations to a deluge of rain, freed the island from this plague. Friends are like the nigger's moon. 44 Neber shine dark nights." Why is a quack like a locomotive ? Be cause he canoot go without pulling. •' I wonder what causes iny eyes to be so weak / " said a fop to a gentleman. 44 They are in a weak place, " was the reply of the latter. Tbe following is one of the two or three lines in the English language that read precisely the same backward as forward : Snug end raw waa I ere I saw war and guns. W hat is meaner than a Black Republi can ? Two Black Republicans. 44 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. " JOSH BILLINGS ON CUPID. It is real singular what a man-killer and woman-killer the god Cupid is, for his heff. He is pictured on paper about the size of a four vear-old fat bov baby, with a pair of wings ahout as large as a boss but terlly, and is armed with a bow and ar rows, that might possibly kill bumble bees at four paces. The little fellow has bagged more game with his wooden shutting irons than all that has ever been built can brag of. lie has in his quiver innumerable arrows, some of tlrem dipped in genuine love, and feathered with good sense; put most of them would seem too trifling tew be at all dan gerous if I hadn't with my own eyes no ticed him at work with them, both on male and female game, hotli silting and Hying, and seen the many deJ shots he has made. I have been at some pains for the last tew sezons two watch his manoovcrs wliare I have happened tew be,and the following record is a faithful history of this little chap's bizz. Ben Slocurn, aged ninteen years,weighed IUU pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received his death wound from a gartet be, longing to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker was learning tew jump the rope down the garden. Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I.S. Freelove, esq., who could play big on the pianny, and bad studied Latin one quarter, was shot thru and thru by a paper of Stu ari's mixed candies that Frank Fever sent her. John Davis got his mutton cooked by a spit curl .that was dangling ou Argeline's check. Sally Munson deceased without struggle. Cause—Diuk Fenton.s No 7 patent leath er boots, California solitaire. Situ Bunson butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better; then was struck plump dead by a false calf on Chestnut street. Lawrence Peters, aged sixty, for thirty years a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour in great agony, after eating warm ap pie pies at Widow Stebhin's. Frank Hunter,maimed for life' by a black balinoral with an orange stripe in it. Willie what's his name, by the flutter of Jenny Jones' velveteen, and the jingle of her father's money - GOOD MAXIMS. —An action cannot be perfectly good, unless pure in its motives; that is, unless the motives are virtuous, and free from any mixture of vice. If we commit small faults without regret to day,we shall commit greater cues to nior row. Pride is the most rediculous and foolish of all vices. In everything we do,however trifling, we ought to reflect and reason, otherwise we shall never do anything well. Idleness renders ns unfit for anything. Flattery is more prejudical than rude ness or anger. We owe the greatest gratitude to them that tell us the truth. Calumny is 4he voice of those who have neither a good heart nor a good under standing. We ought never to believe ill of any one till we are certain of it. Wo ought not to say anyiheng that is rude and displeasing in joke, and even then we ought not to carry the joke too far. The longer the saw of contention is drawn the hotter it grows. In matters of conscience, first thoughts are best. In matters of prudence, last thoughts are best. Lying is a vice so very infamous that the greater liar cannot bear it in other men. LAUGH AND GROW FAT.— lleed ye all this command. Laugh while you may. 'Tis better to laugli than to cry. Tears are a crying evil. Don't cry for spilt milk. An ocean ot tears wouldn't save a drop of it. Dry up and laugh. Laughing is catch ing. Laugh early and olten. Laugh then, and let others catch it, and thereby become a bent factor to your kind. We will wager this is good advice. A good laughter never gets the dvspepsia. and lives to die at a good old, age, provided he doesn't travel much on railroad. Methu selah was an incessant, and he lived up wards of nine hundred years; hut then provsions wern't as high as now. There were no railroads, in days neither Laugh lauuh out but not in meetin' - Don't choke a laugh; let it come lip full,clear and hearty. Even the waters laugh. Didn't Longtellw write of a " Laughig WatcY ?" Can't you sing of a round, laughing moon ? And there are laughing hyenas. Dou t be outdone by waters, moon and hyenas. Resolve to laugh from this hour. If you eau'i find anything to laugh at. laugh at yourself. We warrant you have abundant cause. At any rate, Hugh- W r c never knew a jolly, good laughter to be sent to the Slate Prison or Congress. OLD SPANISH PROVERBS. —lie is a rich man w ho has God for a friend. Tie is the best scholar who hath learned to live well. A handful of mother is worth a bushel of learning. When all men say you are an ass.it is time to bray. Change of weather finds discourse for fools. God comes to seek or look upon us with out a bell. You had better leave your enemy some thing when you die, than live to beg of your friends. He is my friend who grinds at my mill. Saying and doing do not dine together. TWO YOUNG LADIES IN A FIX. A ludicious scene occurred within a . thousand miles of Indianapolis, not a great while ago, at least not long enough to be forgotten. We suppress names, and give the story as it was told by one of the In ! dianapolls weekly newspapers. Two ; young ladies Were visiting another young lady, their cousin. The three were fond of jokes, and continually playing them off ;on each other. On the night in question, i two of them attended a party, from which they returned at 12.J o'clock. Tire third ; one remained at home, and to avoid dis turbing her—for the three slept in the same bed—and others in the house, they ; entered through the window. Here a dif i ficnlty occurred, caused by the fact that after they had left home a young minister arrived on a visit. lie was given the room occupied by the young ladies, and the one who had remained at home sat up to inform the others that different apart ments had been assigned to them. She wait ed in the parlor, for that purpose, but un luckily fell asleep, and a* the two young ladies did not come in by the door, but stepped into their own room by the win dow, she slept on. When the - two others entered they saw Fanny's figure, As they supposed, in bed, but were puzz'ed also to see by the bedside a pair of boots. The truth flashed upon them both at once.— They saw it all. Fanny had set the boots in the room to give them a good scare.— They put their heads together and deter-, mined to turn the tables on her. Silently they disrobed, and as stealithy as cats took their positions on each side of the bed.— At a given signal they both jumped into the bed, one on each side of the unconsci - ous person, laughing and screainine, " Oh, what a man ! " tbey gave the poor be wildered minister such a promiscuous hug ging and tousling as few persons are able to brag of in the course of a lifetime. The noi<e of this proceeding awoke the old lady, who was sleeping in an adjoin ing room. She comprehended the situa tion in a moment, and rushing to the room, she opened the door and exclaimed : "My Lord, gals, it is a man; it is a man, sure enough! " There was one prolong ed, consolidated scream ; a flash of muslin through the door, and all was over, 'lhe best of the joke is that the minister took the whole thing in earnest He would listen to no apologies the old lady would make for the girls. He would hear no ex cuse, but he solemnly folded his clerical lobes, around him and took bis depar ture. — New Albany Commercial, XW To hoar Gough tell the "drugger" story is worth a quarter at any time. The story is a capital one, but it takes the man to tell it. This he does in some sueh words as these : A long, lean, gaunt Yankee, entered a drug store and asked : " Be you the drugger ? " . 41 Well, I suppose so, I sell drugs." 44 Waal, hev you got any uv this here scentin' stuff as tbe gala put on there he kechers ? " "O. yes," 44 Waal, our Sal's gwine to get married, and she gin me ninepcnce and told me to invest the hull amount in scentin' stuff, so's to make her sweet, if I could find some to suit; so if you've a mind I'll just smell around." The Yankee sraelled around without being suited until the druggist got tired of him ; and taking down a bottle of harts horn, he said : " I've got a scentin' stuff that will suit you. A single drop on your handker chief will stay for weeks, aud you can't wash it out, but to get the strength of it you must take a big smell," "Is that so, Mister ? Waal just hold on a minute till I get my breath, and when I say neow, you put it under my smeller." The hartshorn of course knocked the Yankee down, as liquor has done many a man. Do you suppose he got up and smelt again, as a drunkard docs ?. Not he; but rolling up his sleeves and doub ling up his fists he said : " You made me smell that tarnel ever lasting stuff', Mister, and now I'll make you surell fire and brimstone." GOOD.—" Papa," said a little urchin to his father the other day, " I saw a printer go down the street just now." " Did you, sonny. Why do you think that person is a printer?" " 'Cause I do, papa." " But he might have been a carpenter, blacksmith or shoemaker." " Oh, no, papa, he is a printer ; for be was gnawing a bone, and lie had no stock ings on, the crown was out of his hat, and his coat was all torn. I'm certain he is a printer, papa." THE WEATHER TOT. —A Bostonian says the Commercial Advertiser, has a toy barometer on exhibition, which consists of a miniature cottage, with two doors. At one of these stands a man clad in such purple and fine linen as constitute a Sun day-go-to meeting garb in New England, while at the oilier stands a female arrayed in like apparel These twain seem to watch the impending weath r. If there arc signs of rain, the man, with a noble bravery worthy of a better fate, steps bohllv out of doors, while the woman shrinks into the cottage. But if the sign are favorable, the woman goes forth to shop and gossip, while the man stays at home to keep house ar.d babv. A ther mometer forms part of the household fur niture of this institution. A timely tunc—oppor-tune. AMERICAN HUMOR.— Colonel Isaac Banes,of Boston, who died a few weeks ago, was an officer under the United States Government He was a man of great wit and humor, full of rare and racy stories, which he always told with the most im perturbable gravity, while his listeners I were convfileed with laughter. IJis stories always received a flavor from his peculiar voice which was quite thin and pitched upon a high key, and in his latter Years, i "turned towards childish treble." In his last sickness, be very forcibly illustrated I'ope's well known line of the "Ruling passion strong in death." His physician caine in, an evening or two before he died, and asked him how he ! was feeling. "Shan't live till morning," said the Col. feebly "Ob, yes, I think you will } you don't i seem to be very near your end." "Yes, I am," piped out the Colonel. The doctor then felt of his feet, and finding them quite warm, said, "I think there is no immediate danger. Can't help it ; shan't live till morning," persisted the sick man. "But," said the doctor, "your extremi ties are warm, Colonel. Did yon ever know one to be very near dying whose feet were as warm as yours ?" "That's nothing to do with it. I Blian't live till morning." wheezed out the Colo nel, as if he were determined to die. "You are quite unreasonable, Colonel," gently interposed the Doctor. "I never knew a man to be very near his end whose feet were as warm as yours." "Well, I have." "Who, I pray ?" Turning toward the Doctor, with a droll twinkk* in Lis eyes, lie laboringly gasped out—" John Rogers." jt^pAßAOßAPiis.—Sisters of Charity— Faith and hope. Be temperate in diet Our fust parents ate themselves out of house and home. Give strict attention to your own affairs, and consider your wife one of them. Never give your tongue its liberty; let it always be your servent never your mas ter . It is to sleep with an empty stomach than to lie awake with accusing conscience. Soft sop, is some-shape, pleases all, and generaly speaking,tlre more lye you put in the better. Public Spirited. Young ladies who al low their father's bouse to be used for a court house. Happiness is a perfume that one cannot shed over another without a few drops falling on one's self. If any one speaks ill of tlieo, consider whether he lias truth on his side if so re form thyself. It is not until the flower has fallen off that the frsst begins to ripen. So in life it is when romance is past that practical use fulness begins. I never knew how it was, but I always seemed fo have the most come in when I gave the most away. Four things come not back: the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity. Wear your learning,like votir watch,in a private pocket, ar.d don't pull it out to show that you have one; but if you are asked what o'clock it is, tell it. Afew weeks since a baby was taken to a church to he baptized, and his little brother was present during the rite. On the following Sunday, when the baby was being washed and dressed, his little broth er asked his mother if she intended to car ry Willy to be christened ? "Why, no," said his mother; "don't you know, my son, people nre not baptized twice?" "What.' returned the young reasoner, with the ut most astonishment in his, face, "not if it didn't take first time'. XW A little girl on hearing her moth er say that she intended to go to a ball and have her dress with "bugles," inno cently inquired if the bugles would blow up while she danced. Oh, no, said the mother, your father will do that when he discovers I have bought them. XW A boy in one of our Baptist fami lies, the other Sunday morning, commenc ed blacking his boots. " Why, Barber," said the mother, 44 didn't you know this is the Lord's day ? " "Well, "replied he, "if the Lord does come to-day, ho won't find me with a pair of old rusty boots on." " What's the matter, my dear ? " said a wife to her husband, who had sat for half an hour with his face buried in his hands, apparently in great tribulation. 44 On ! I don't know," said he : " I have felt like a fool all day." " Well," replied the wife, consolingly, "I am afraid you will never get anv better; you look the very picture of what you feel." A young lady being asked to waltz, gave the following sensible aud appropri ate answer. No, I thaitk you sir, I have hugging enough at home. Mrs. Partington has been reading the health officer's weekly reports, and thinks thai "Total" must be an awful malignant disease, since as many die of it as all the rest put together. X3T A dutch woman desired to adver tise her pony, that had lost himself, mit a tail frisky ver much, and strike ver hard mit hind fist. TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance. lUise aiilj "My SOD, would you suppose that the Lord's Prayer could be engraved in * space no larger than a nickel cent 1" "Why, yes, father ;if a cent is as big iri everybody's eyes as it appears to be in yourS, I think there would he no difficulty in put ting it on about four times.'' At a trial of negro conspirators in Lynch burg, Va., a negro witness, in reply to tbo question why they wanted to kill another negro, replied : "Because people said ho would not vote the Radical ticket, and that he carried tales to the white people ; and (raising his voice to a high key) because he was no better than a while man /" Sentimental young lady to perfumer : "I |do not think you forwarded the scent 1 meant; it seems entirely different from that I ordered," *r Perfumer, who is fond of punning : '•'Mad am, lam sure what you meant I sent; the scent I sent was the scent you meant ; con sequently we are both of one sentiment." EXTREME DELICACY.—"IS there anything the matter ?" "There is, sir,'' was the host's savage re ply. "Have I given any offense V •' "You have, sir." ' Really, I am ignorant of it." "Well, sir, let me tell you sifch language won't suit here." "My dear sir, what language ? We were only talsing of soup !" "Yes, sir, but you said ox-tuil /" "Well, suppose I did ?" "Why, sir, its that very wnrd that sent all the ladies blushing out of the room—its highly unbecoming language—very improper, indeed !" "But, my dear sir, what would you have me say ? I called the soup by its proper name didn't I ?" "No, sir, you did not; and whenever yem have occasion to speak of that particular soup again, never say Qp-tattl Say j Fly dispenser soup ! that's the proper word sir." An instance of connubial affection is nar rated as occuring lately in New Hampshire. A couple had quarreled during the wholo term of their married life. At last the htrs band was taken ill, and evidently about to die. His wife came to Lis bedsulc, where, afier she had seen his condition,the following colloquy ensued : "Wy, daddy, your feet are col J, your hands are cold, aud yoar nose is cold." "Wa'al let urn be cold-" " Hy, daddy, you're goin' to die." "Wa'al, I guess I know wot I'm about." " Wy, daddy, wut'a to becum of me if rou die ?" "Dunno, and don't care ! Wat I want to know is, wat's to tecum of me L * . a The nervous man is the original, iiarp of one thousand strings. He is a riddle, past finding out The tread ov an elephant don't shake him, but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in the wainscot. He also turneth pale at the coming of the spider. He lafLth when the whirlwind iz on a bender ; but shuddercth when the striped suaik walks out for au airing. He gazeth at the red lightning with joy when it gnasheth the heavens ; but the scales of his back lift up in horror when old Baxter files a handsaw. My advice tew the nervous man iz, tew drink milk for a living, and, for excitement, chaw spruce gnm.—Josh Billings. 4* ;■ Prentice, having been asked to act as stake holler on an impeachment bet, replies that be never holds any but beef steaks. Behind the Scenes—St.ge manager - "/ohn, go and see if the ballet girls are all dressed, for it is time to ring up the curtain.'' Boy returns—"Aboat read}-, sir ; got most of their clothes oil." Running off with another man's wife is styled latceny in St. Louis,—Petty (coat) larceny probably. Bachelor at breakfast—Dear me ,Susan, that's a very small egg ! Susan—Yes, sir.it is—but it was only laid this morning, sir ! Wc find recorded in a Western paper the marriage of Samuel Mann and Sarah Price.— That Mann is more lucky than most men, having got his price. An editor out West says he would as soon try to get to sea on a shingle, make a ladder of fog, chase a streak of lightning through a crab-apple orchard, swim heels first up Ni agara river, or set Lake Erie on fire with a wet match, as to slop lovers from getting married when they lake it into their heads | tO dO 60. Plug tobacco packed in peanuts, is the last device to defraud the reveuue, probably quid nuues. [ Time on the jump—leap }tars. M. 4t>;
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers