The Waynesboro' village record. (Waynesboro', Pa.) 1871-1900, August 13, 1874, Image 1

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GS elect poetrg.
How calmly sinks the parting Sun
Yet twilight lingers still,
And beautiful as dreams of heaven,
Earth sleeps with all her glorious things
Beneath the holy spirit's wings,
And rendering back the hues above,
Seems resting in a trance of love.
Mysterious music from the pines,
O'er y'on dark rock - reclined-i-----
Falls like the whisperings of peace
Upon the heavenly mind ;
And winds with pinions steeped in dew
Breathe gently, as if stealing through
From Eden's bowers, that came to bless
The spirit with their holiness.
And yonder glittering thiong of clouds,
Retiring from the sky,
So calmly move, so sweetly glow
They seem to Fancy'S eye,
.'---Bright creatures-of-abetter-sphere
Come down at noon to worship here,
__And from_their sacrifice of love
Returning to theiThome-above.
The blue isles of the golden sea,
The night-arch floating high,
The flowers, that gaze upon the heavens,
The bright streamsleaping by,
Are living with Religion—deep •
Their glories on the waters sleep
And mingled with the moon's pale rays
Like soft light of parted days.
The Spirit of the holy Eve
Comes through the silent air
To feelings hidden spring, and wakes
The gush of music there !
And the far deeps of ether beam
So passing fair we almostdream
That we can rise and wander through
Their open tracks of pathless blue.
Each soul is filled with glorious dreams
Each pulse is beating wild,
And thought is soaring to the shrine
Of glory undefiled
And holy aspirations start
From the full fountain of the heart :
And chain—for earth's ties are riven—
Our visions to the gates of heaven.
fflifirellautous coding.
A Romance that is Real.
Twenty-five years ago, a young man,
now a resident of a fashionable part of
the city, then a young lawyer in the cen
tral part of the State, wooed and won a
beautiful.girl whose gills and graces wero
the pride-of the charming village where
she lived. He took his bride to what was
then the far West, where he practiced his
chosen profession for several years. Re
turning past, he opened an office in New
York city, living up town. At this period
;nine years of married life had passetiouid
mo child had been born to this couple.
One morning as he was about - stepping
into a car for his office down town, lus
attention was attracted by 'a group of
children gathered about some object on
the sidewalk. on the other side of the av
enue. 'He allowed the car to pass on,
and approaching the children, saw seated
on the stone step in front of a store win
dow, a little girt of some six years, bare
headed, bare-fboted, and whose single,
scanty garment of dirty, calico neither
coveted her legs, drawn up as far as pos
sible beneath her frock for shelter and for
shame, nor her bony neck and breast.—
She had a wonderful wealth of black hair.
She sat with eyes concealed and head
down, apparently unconscious or uneart,g .
for the curious stare of the children:`;.;"
It was plain she was not a lost
Children'of a great city are familiar wit
all phases of city life; but here was a new
revelation of child life to them. They
stood around her in pitying wonder. She,
however, asked no sympathy by word or
look. Like the tired or despairing fawn,
chased by the hunter, all hope and life
seemed driven out of her. Our friend is
a great lover of children. Led by this
powerful feeling. and sympathy for the
child's sad condition, he kindly engaged
her in .conversation, and at length persu
aded her to let him lead- her home to
warmth and
He presented her to his wife. One look
--`why what have you brought here ?' A
child; do you not. see? The little one look
ed tip into her face,and the childless wife,
at the appealing look of those great eyes,
melted to tears. The gentleman saw that
his lift waif had found a resting place
in the kind heart of his wife. He left
them for his duties. When he returned
at nigLt the wanderer was washed and
neatly dressed; her pinched face and form
showed lines of beauty, and those mild,
black eyes were more eloquent for pity
and for help than any words.
It was ascertained that her brief life
harl been one of great sorrow. A drunken
father, a large family, a discouraged mo
ther. the bitviling driven from the nest.—
This was in 1858. Our friends had now
been Married nine years and wee still
childless. They adopted the child that
'Providence had placed in their way, gave
- her their own name and thanked the good
God for the strange gift.
Afterward, to this mother of the moth
erless, children were born, and the house
was glad with music. To the adopted
"Rd a period•ef sixteen y&ars_ has been
filled'with plays and study, music, society
and a wise preparation for the duties of
life. The homeless, hopeless little wan
derer has developed into a charming, hap
py woman, loving and all who
know her. She, too, has been wooed and
won. Her foster father and mother have
been married a quarter of a century. It
was but yesterday, that at their comfort
able home, their friends gathered to con
grata late-them-upon-baving_reacheiLthe
twenty-fifth anniversary of their married
life, and the adopted daughter was at the
same time united in marriage toi a worthy
young merchant of the metropolis.
"How far a lighted candle casts its beams ;
'Tis like a good deed in a naughty world."
Warning From Beyond the Grave.
About three miles southeMt of the cite
of Schenectady the highwayis intersected_
by the New York Central Railroad. At
this point an aged couple, Mr. and Mrs.
W., well-known to all citizens, returning
home from an evening drive, were , struck
-and-instantly-killed-hy-the-tmin-dae. •
Schenectady at 6 P. M. This accident
occurred at ten minutes before 6 P. M.
At ten minutes past 5 a lady in the
city, Mrs. C., of a highly nervous organi
and intimately acquainted with
the unfortunate couple, answered a ring
at the front door of her house heard by
both her husband and sister. She found
standing at .her door an elderly_ lady,
whom she had never before seen, dressed
iiillie - ficeitiion of yearslong'since - gotte - by=
The stranger said nothing, when the lady
-of-the-house-opened-the- T conversation_by
observing :
nurknow yoardo - yetr wish - any=
thing 7"
"Nor I you," replied the old lady.—
"Send down to the 6 o'clock train ; the
bodies of Mr. and Mrs. W. will be on it."
The old lady then walked off: Mrs.
C. immediately told her husband, who
was in the house, and asked him to go
down to the depot, which was not at any
great distance. He, however,' ridiculed
his wife and her nervous apprehensioni:
but being again urged, went down to the
depot to find that the train had not yet
arrived, and no report of any accident.
He returned home at s:4o—even yet be
fore the accident—to laiigh at his wife
and her fears. The train arrived a little
late, and in a few minutes a messenger
was sent up to say that the dead bodies
of the couple were on the train, and to
request Mr. C. to come down, which he
did, and he helped them off: The messen
ger was sent up to Mr. C. in consequence
of.his first visit and inquiries. There were
no means of telegraphic communication
with the place where the accident happen,
ed. Afterward, in describing the appear
ance of the lady to a sister of Mr. W.,she
recognized it at once as a faithful portray
edof her mother who had been dead ma
ny years.—Bm,nor of Light.
pondent writing from Vienna, says: •So
far as I have been able to observe, the
only occupation of the people of Vienna,
between the hours of 5 and 9 p. in, in
general, and on Sunday in particular, is
the drinking of beer, accompanied with
smoking and reading newspapers, or lis
tening to music of the bands. There are
a score of parks, and all of them swarm
with smokers and beer drinkers, and down
the Prater avenue, in the vicinity of the
Exposition buildings, 50,000 fashionably
dressed, respectable looking, quietly be
having people sit or stroll anout the great
park, under the huge old trees, each Sun
day afternoon and evening in fine weath
er, drinking beer and coffee, and smoking
pipes and cigars.
The Emperor and members of his fam
ily often sit down among them and do
likewise. The bishops and the reverend
-clergy countenance the practice by taking
part in it,and sharing the quiet with their
flocks. If beer is 'poison,' as it is stren
uously asserted to be in America, on ac
count of tne•4 or 5 per cent, of alcohol it
contains, I can only say, in reply thereto,
that in Germany it is a very slow poison,
for the whole population have been con
ming it in vast quantities for more than
'2;000 years, and they are still a hearty,
robust-looking people, as any one will
testify who has ever traveled through the
Teutouip portions of Europe.
STORY or A PICTURE. —A painter once
wanted a picture of innocence, and drew
the likeness of a child at prayer. The
supplicant was kneeling beside his moth
er; the palms of his uplifted hands were
reverently pressed together; his rosy cheeks
spoke of health and his mild blue eye was
upturned with the expression of devotion
and peace. The portrait of young Rup
ert was much prized by the painter, who
hung it on his wall, and called it 'lnno
Years passed away and the artist be
came an old man. Still the picture hung
there. He had often thought of making
a counterpart—the picture of 'Guilt'—but
had not found the opportunity. At last
he effected his purpose by paying a visit
to a neighboring gaol. On the damp floor
of his cell lay a wretched culprit named
Randall, heavily ironed. Wasted was
his body and hollow was hisaye, vice was
visible in his face. The painter succeeded
admimbly, and the portrait of young
Rupert and Randall were hung side by
side, for 'lnnocence and Guilt.'
But who was young Rupert and who
was Randall? Alas! the two were one.
Old Randall was young Rupert led astray
by bad companions/And ending his life iir
the damp - and shameful dungeon.
Titusville has a young somnambulist
completely cured of the 'disease' on Friday
night. Ho went into the room where the
hired girl was sleeping wheu she knocked
him down with a chair.
What a Negro Preacher Saw;
A Selma, Alabama, preacher has, ac
cording to a Southern exchange, been tel
ling his congregation a strange yarn. We
hope he preached "to the marines ;" but
his audience was colored, and he himself
the hue of ebony. The negro is credulous.
He said that a young man, living in
one of the many towns he had visited,
asked a young lady to acs ^nv hf to
-ch u rch_on_the_Sab bath di
pettishly, that her hair hL
ed, and that she would gi
place with her eyes wide oven before she
would venture , to church with her' hair
uncurled. And she went not at that time;
but the next Sunday, having gotten her
tened patiently to _ the sermon until its
close. When the congregation had been
dismissed she moved toward the docr, but
fell on reaching the portal, with her feet
to the door and her head toward the pul
pit. As she fell her clothing cracked like
Chinese crackers exploding,and on exam
ining her face, it was found that her eye
etely-gone:-She-was dead,
but it was impossible to close her eyes,
because of the loss of the lids.
When her friends crowded around to
raise her up, they found themselves una
ble-to-move-her. The sequel showed that
it took twelve strong men to lift her from
the floor, and twelve to put her in her
coffin. It also required the united exer
ion of twelve ministers to preach her fu
doubtless. W hen
being observed, the lid of the coffin sud
-denly_raised_of ittrown -accord,-and-some
thing 'about the size of a black cat' leap
ed out. And as the creature jiinr:ed - from
the cof f in to the floor, it cried aloud to
the petrified audience : 'Wait, what, wait
until I curl my hair !"As I expect to
answer in the day of judgment,' said the
sable divine, 'I saw this scene with my
own eyes, and it was just as I have told
SEEING TEIE POINT.-A boy returned
from school one day, the report that his
scholarship had fallen below the usual
"Well," said his father, you've fallen
behind, this month, have you ?
"Yes, sir."
"How did that happen ? The father
knew if his son did not. He bad observ
ed a number of cheap novels scattered
about the house, but he hud not thought
it worth while to say anything until a fit
opportunity should offer itself. A. basket
of apples stood upon the floor, and he
said :
"Empty those apples, and take the bas
ket and bring n to me half full of chips."
"And now," he continued, "put those ap
ples back into the basket."
When half the apples were replaced
the son said :
"Father, they roll ofT. I can't put in
any more."
"Put them in I tell you."
"But father, I can't put them in."
"Put them in I No, of course you can't
put them in.
Do you expect to fill a basket half full
of chips, and then fill it with apples?—
You said you didn't know why you fell
behind at school, and I will tell you.—
Your mind is like that basket ; it will
not hold more than so mucb,and here you
have been the past month filling it up
with rubbish—worthless cheap novels."
The boy turned on his heel and whistled
and said, "Whew I I see the point."
little black bugs, you can save every one
of them by sprinkling them lightly with
Cayenne pepper. Use an ordinary table
pepper-box. This is a dead shot—Granby
(Mo.) Miner.
rending history finds its ending in the sto
ry of is young wife at Fonda, N. J. There
is an untold volume-a romance of a life's
history full:of promise and hope at the
beginning, perhaps—and ari ending iu the
suicidal death. Mrs. Anna Jefferson, a
wife who bad not yet budded from her
girlhood—whose age was only fifteen—
killed herself by taking arsenic, and do
mestic troubles are the alleged cause
for the act. The very words of the de
spatch—"this was the second attempt,the
cause being the refusal of her father to
support her unless she should leave her
husband, which she declined to do"-seem
to stand out boldly in testimony of her
grief, and one reads the announcement
over again in doubt of its truth. Yet the
sad story of the suicide seems told in the
manner of her death, and the warning to
girlish wives, who wed but to suffer and
to die, is a sad record of the suicide's re
fuge from her troubles.
WORTU _KNOW/NO.-Dr. Glass, living
near Granby, who is clearing up a new
farm, has been, troubled with a number of
big oak stumps. He had heard that salt
petre was good for stumps. Accordingly,
about a couple of months ago besprinkled
on the top of each stump about a table
spoonful of pulverized saltpetre. A. few
days ago he set fire to these stumps and
says they commenced and continued to
burn until every stump was totally con
sumed, roots and all, that he was able to
plough without the least difficulty over
the very ground formerly occupied by
these large stumps. He says some of the
stumps burned for four •or five days.—
Farmers, try the Doctor's remedy; he says
it will not fail. The Doctor also says, that
if your cabbage plants are troubled with.
One may live as a conqueror, or a king,
or a magistrate, but he must die a man.
The bed of death brings every human be
ing, to his pure individuality, to the in
tense contemplation of deepest and most
solemn of all relations - , the ralation be
tween the creature and his Creator.—
Webst4...r. •
Somebody'B heart is gay,
And somebody's heart is sad ;
For lights shine .out across the way,
And a door with crape is clad—
Sadness and gladness alike
Are dwelling side by side 7— •
Perhaps the death of• an early one,
And the crowning of a bride.
Bright eyes as o fille~witlt mirth,
Pale faces bend in prayer,
And hearts beside the household hearth,
Are crushed:by stout despair;
Ah, sorrow, and hope;stild joy,
Are parted by thinnest walls;
But on the hearts of the thonghtless ones
No shadow of sorrowfaller `
_ No thoughts of the funeral train
Como to the festive throng;
No hope that the past will come again,
To the anguished hearts belong;
The future's a sunny sea
To the lovers of joy and mitth—
But the past alone, to those who weep
For the sundered ties of earth.
Somebody's heart is gay,
And somebody's heart is sad;
For the lights are bright across the way,
And a door with crape is clad—
Sadness and gladness alike
Confront us on every side ;
__&._w_ezdth_of smil- and_alloorl nnears__
—With ; hope-and sorrow_alliedi
Mn. Enron :—Having wrote the ar
ticle that VIM published in your paper
under the caption of Mercereburg College
nearly blown out, that E. E. Higbee has
pronounced a gross .misrepresentation, I
wish to state that if it is a misrepresenta
tion he is the author or cause of it. For
the article was reported from his appeal
to classis; and his letter of July 23d
chimes precisely with it, where he says,
"The President reported to the Chassis
that there bad been a deficit, and that
some action must be taken to increase the
current fund," but omits a part of his re
port publicly made and reiterated with
special emphasis, "that it was a mere mat
ter of time; if relief was not furnished
they would have to close ; and he had ad
vised the Regents to close."
This we thought sounded very much
.like blowing out. But ho now triumph
antly exclaims Mercersburg College is
not "blown up." We never said it was
blown up. We were not aware of any as
sault, bombardment or undermining to
blow it up. We only thought from his
plain statement that it must bo near
blown out. And the President of a col
lege is supposed to know the difference be
tween blowing up and blowing out. The
Rebel fortifications at Petersburg; wore
blown up, and, about the :lamp time', sev
eral furnaces in Pennsylvania were blown
out by exhaustion of supplies.
We like Doctors of Divinity to be ac
curate ithen they make asseverations of
any kind. Ho says Mercersburk College
was never more prosperous than during
the past year, numbering over one hun
dred students. Admit "newer.more pros
perous," though not vertpxosperous after
all. He need not take it amiss if we in
spect this assertion by comparing it with
his catalogue for 1873-74, which may
be considered good authority. On page
23 we find the following summary :
Resident Graduates, El
College Classes, 45
Preparatory Department, - 60
Here we find a sum total of just one
hundred and one ; not very much over
one hundred ; and eleven of these mark
ed as irregular. But as it is not usual to
continue graduates as students, nor to in
clude pupils of' preparatory departments
with students of the college—proper--;-nor
to reckon irregular with the regular, if we
subtract all these it will show the num
ber to be considerably less, rather than
"over one hundred students." The impar
tial reader will decide what kind of a re
presentation this is; whether true or a
gross misrepresentation.
From a further inspection of the cata
logue 26 of these students are from Mer
cersburg, one from Loudon, one from St.
Thomas, one from Greencastle and one
from Waynesboro ; making just precisely
four from the county at large outside of
Mercersburg, showing that the intelligent
citizens of Franklin county are not gener
ally disposed to patronize this college with
its present arrangement. Not that there
is an indifference to a thorough education,
for by reference to the catalogues of Penn
sylvania, Jefferson, La Fayette and
Ursinus Colleges, besides those of several
Normal Schools and Academies we find
that Franklin county is fully repre
smited. When Marshall College was
located at:Mereersburg, and for about 20
years the community with united church
cordially united heart and hand with lib
eral contributions towards erecting those
buildings and to endow it on a perman
ent basis,' and it might ere this ranked
with the foremost. Colleges on the conti
nent had it not_been for the corruption of
its Faculty. Other Protestant denomi
nations rejoiced in our success.. A new e
ra seemed to have dawned on the German
Reformed Church,and the Germans thro'-
out the Statewere lauded on acceount of it.
Both general assemblies of the Presby
terian Church opened a friendly corres
pondence and annually sent Delegates to
our Synod. The Synod of the Reformed
Dutch Church did the same. There had
likewise been a triennial convention es
tithlkhod of Anlegates cf the Dutch and
of the German Reformed Synods with the
view of cherishing amicable alliances.
[For thcßecord.
But alas I These friendly ties were
severed! The German Reformed Church
was found tainted with heresies inculcated
in its Theological Seminary and therefore
these higher judicatories of the more in
fluential branches of the Protestant church
simultaneously withheld their delegates
and Mercersburg became a bye word and
reproach, throughout Christendom. The
shock was so heavy that it was deemed
expedient to change the Faculty and like
wise the location of llercersbur g College,
forming an epoch of too much consequence
to be forgotten and proving exceedingly
detrimental. Beginning at Mereersburg
and exploring the Cumberland Valley
from the Susquehanna to the ;Potomac,
_where_twenty-five years-ago-we-had forty
prosperous congregations, which have all
been either distracted, divided or destroy
ed. Instead of increasing as those of other
denominations have in this valley, there
has been a lamentable scattering and dim
inution of membership with no accession
_of_new_congre tga ts, if we except the one
that has been styled their 'youngest child;
born and begotten according to Mercers
buig rules; but which can never be prop--,
erly: acknowledged as a legitimate off
spring of the German Reformed church,
unless it is born again.
The ground,on which those buildings
at Mercersburg were erected was deeded
in 1834 for the use of the German Reform
ed church as it was constituted with the
doctrines and forms of worship held by
atdenotaination-thea-nt-tha t-timerand
net for any new order or new sect; and if
there is idl a, re iFirt - te - old - doctrinea--and-,
old forms of worship, that lease may blow
- eirt - before - the-expiration-of_the_ninety-
Dino ' years._ For it is not Mercersburg
science, classics nor — literature, but Mer
cersburg Theology with their College,
church, and 'mechanical arrangements'
adapted to their peculiar processes, by
which they virtually attempt to serve the
Lord mechanically, which has been the
impediment to the success of that college.
His application to Classis in tho case of
the Rev. Mr. S. betrays either arbitrary
action or gross impropriety of procedure.
Dr. H. can take either horn of the dilem
ma. Ho says that 'the Regents reappoint.
ed the Rev. Mr. S. agent, and asked olassis
to dissolve the pastoral relation.' If an
agency was tendered to Mr. S. and he dis
posed to accept, it was his place to snake
that request and not the business of the
Regents. Nor would it have been proper
for Classic to act until they received the
expressed wish of Mr. S. But passing
antecedents and disregarding prelimina
ries they have aimed at building castles
in the air, fragile as the spider's web, and
'without constitutional basis.
The Doctor likewise mado a pathetic
appeal in behalf of a student who had sold
rags, and for another who will need a new
hat when he gets through his studies, from
which a surmise arose that he may be like
Jereboam,son of Nebnt, who caused Israel
to sin by making priests out of the lowest
orders of the people.
ACCIMULATION. - A mathematical per
son writes to one of the papers to say, that
"if Columbus when be first came to Amer
ica had put away one cent and not disturb
ed it until! to-day it would have amouted
to the sum of 8687,989,75." If this is true
it is a great pity the idea never oceured to
Columbus. He might have had a nice
little fortune to comfort him in his old age
But is it true? That depends, of comae,
where be would have put it. Old Star
buckle, of Berks county Pennsylvania,
several years ago read in an almanac that
money wonid double itself by corn pound
interest in eleven years if it were put
away and left untouched. Accordingly,
Starbuckle puts9ooin a tin boX and buried
in his cellar. He permitted it to remain
there for eleve4 years, and dug it out
with the confident expectation that the
amount in the box would bo $l,BOO.
But it wasn't, and Mr. Starbuckle not on
ly considers the science of arthmetic a tran
sparent fraud, but he don't repose any
cofidence in the almanac when it says Sun
day comes on the first day of the week.
WED MADE IT ?—Sir ISAAC Newton, a
very wise and godly man, was once exam
ining a new fine globe, when a gentlemen
Came into his study who did not believe
in a God, but declared that the world we
live on came by chance. He was much
pleased with the handsome globe and ask
ed :
"Who made it?"
"Nobody," answered Sir Isaac. "It
happened' here."
'The gentleman looked up in amaze
ment at the answer, but he soon. under
stood what it meant.
The bible says, "The fool bath said in
his heart, There is no God." Must not
that man be a fool indeed who can say
this beautiful and wonderful world came
by chance, when he knows that there is
not a house, or ship, or picture, or any
other thing in it, but has had a maker?
We might better say that this paper we
are reading grew just as it is, than to say
that the sun, moon, stars, and this globe
upon which we live came without a crea
tive hand.—S. S. rasitor.
LIFEB' PENDULUM - At every swing of
the pendulum a spirit goes into eternity.
The measure ofour life is a hairbreadth ; it
is a tale that is told ; its rapidity is like
the swift shuttle or the transitory rain•
bow, or the dazzling meteor ; it, is a bub
ble, it is a breath. At every stelhg of the
pendulum a spirit goes into eternity.—
Between the rising and the settinc , sun
40,000 souls are summoned before their
Uncle Jake Noble% aged one hundrod
and ten years. recently married Sarah
Peoples, aged ei,ghtnase, at. Hot Springt,
The Puzzled Dutchman.
A:Wisconsin paper contains the follow
ing good story : "One who does not believe
in immersion for baptism was holding a
protracted' meeting and one night preached
on the subject of baptism. In the course
of his remarks be said some believed it
necessary to go down in the water and
come up out of it to be baptized. But this
he claimed to be fallacy, for the propo
sition "into" of the Scriptures should be
rendered.differently, ter it does not mean
i iti at all - times .—"M oses"—he-said,
`we are told, went up into the mountain,
and the Saviour was taken into a high
mountain, dm. Now we do not suppose
that either went into a mountain but unto
it. So with going down into the water ;
its' 'means simply going down closely by
or near to the water, and being baptized
in the ordinary way by sprinkling or pour
ing. He carried this idea out fully, and
in due season and style closed his discourse,
when an invitation was given for any one so
Quite,anumber of his brethren arose and
said they were glad they had been present
on - this-occasion, that they were pleased
with the sound sermon they bad just heard,
and felt their souls greatly blessed. Fi
nally a corpulent gentleman, of Teutonic
extraction, a stranger to all, arose and
broke a. silence that was -almost painful,
as follows :
"Mister breather, I ish so glad I vash
here to-night, for I has had explaiued_to„
my mint some tug — ,atit I never could be
lief before. 0,1 ish so. glad dat into does
ot-mean-into-it-at-all„but stunt_ close by
or near to, for now I can belief manieh
dings votl could not belief before. We
reat,Mieter breacher, dat Tautelwas cast
into do ten of lions and cense. out alife.—
Now I never could. belief dat, for the wilt
peasts would shust eat him right off; put
now it is fery clear to my mint. He was
shust close by or near to, -and tid not get
into de ten at all. Oh i.Sh so glat .1 - vash
here to-night.
"Again, we rest of the Hebrew children
vat was cast into do firish furnish, and
dat air alwish look like a peag story too
for they would have peen purntup; put it
ish all clear to my mint now, for they
were shust cast near by or close to the fir
i6h furnish. Oh, I vits.; so glat I vas here
"And den, Mister broacher; it is said
dat Jonah was cast into the:sea taken in
to a wisaleeh pelly. Nov I never could
pelieve that. It alwaysh seethed to me to
bo a peeg feeeh story but ish all plain to
my mint now. Ho vash" not taken into
the whalesh pelly at all, but shust shumpt
onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vas
so glat I vash hear ternight..
"And now, Mister breather, if you will
shust explain two more bassages of scrip
tures I shall be, 0, so happy dat I vash
here to-night ! one of them is vere it saish
de vicked shall be cast into a lake that
puns mit fire and primstone always. 0
Mister breather,
shall be cast into that
lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or
near to, shust near enough to be comforta
ble? Oh.! I hope you tells me I shall be
cast only shust by a good vay off, and I
will be so glad I vash hero to-night ! The ,
other bassago is that vich saish, "Blessed
are they who dose the commandtnents,they
may have a rights to the dree of life and
enter in through the gates of the city.
and not shust close py or near to, shust
near enough to see vat I have lost, and I
shall be so glat I vas hero to-night 1"
ComPusrEsTs.—We have heard of a rare
beauty who said, upon a certain occasion,
that the only real, disinterested compli
ment she ever received was from a coal
heaver, who asked permission to light his
pipe iu the gleaming of her eyes.
Another compliment, true and genuine,
was paid by a sailor who was sent by his
Captain to carry a letter to the lady of
his love. Tho sailor, having delivered
the missive, stood gazing in silent admi
ration upon the face of the lady, for she
was very beautiful.
"Well, my good man," she said, "for
what do you wait? There is no answer
to be retorted."
"Lady, the sailor returned," with bum
ble deference, "I would like to know your
"Did you not see it on the letter ?"
,"Pardon, lady, I never learned to read.
Mine has been a hard, rough life."
"And for what reason, my good man,
would you know my name ?"
"Because," answered the old tar, look
ing honestly up, "in a storm at sea, with
danger or death afore me, I would like
to . call the name of the brightest thing I'd
ever seen in my life. There'd be sun
shine in it even in the thick darkness."
BEM= AND APTER:-A female wri
ter for one of the sentimental papers,speak
ing of affinities, observes that a woman
now and then meets a man to whom she
can truthfully say : "On the barren shore
of time, 0, my sours kinsman-! I have
found in thee my 'pearl of great price,'
and there is nothing more precious out f
heaven." I have no doubt that this is
the case, and while I would not rudely
mar the sweet poetic beauty of the picture
thus summoned up, my experience teach
es me that the women who begin by talk
ing in this sugary manner are usually
prone to throw skillets and flatirons at
"their soul's kinsman" after marriage,atid
to growl at the "pearl of great price" be
cause he comes to bed with his feet cold.
—.lfax Adeler.
A young lady thus describes her feel
ings and courts sympathy: •
"My heart is sick, my heart is Fad,
But, chi the came I due not tell;
lam noLgrievetl, lam not glad, •
I am not ill. I am not welt ;
I'm not myself, I'm, nat the same ;
I amindeed4.kmow not what;
I'm changed in tiri:***t name-- 1
t,h, when shall_ The •anuaged-in =rex'
$2,00 PER YEAR
Mit anti .littmor.
What fish is most valmd by a lovin i ;
wife ?
Why is a pig a good mathematician ?
Because he is pea on the "square root."
Why is your shadow like false
,friencls ?
Bee. Ise it follows you only in sunshine.
When are brokers happy ? When they
meet_a_Loan. _
Where are two heads better than one ?
In a barrel.
Why is the French word biere (beer)
feminine ? Because the men are so fond
of it.
Who is the lazier l•F ? The furnitZ•
dealer :ho keeps cha ff nd lounges about
all the time.
A lady of Bansas, aged sixtyeig t
years, has astonished her husband by pre
senting him with a baby.
fr. Sheets, of rutile, • lu* - 13venty four
children. Twenty-four. :Ileets' make COU3
A lady once being asked what she's
thought was a good remedy for bee stings,
said. she had never fonnd anything bet
"Whiskey is your greatest enemy."
"But." said Mr. Jones, ". didn't the' Bible
say, T. mac al, we 1110 to - OW - Our--
enemies 4" " 0? yee,Jones, but it don't say : .
A good way to restore a man apparent
ly drowned, says an exchange, is to first
dry him thoroughly, inside and out, and
then clap a speaking-trumpet to his ear
and-inform that_his_mother-in-law is dead.
An inveterate toper, in a locality were
the ardent was der the ban, put some'
rock candy in a le, rubbed the Deck
with camphor, and n had the druggist
fill it with whiskey, e wife of the purchas
er was 'troubled so much with the head-/
The Rev. Mr. G—, a clergyman of
a neighboring town, being recently absent
from home on business,h is little sou calm
ly folded his hands and asked the blessing
usually prononnced by his father at their
morning meal. At noon, being asked
to pronounce the blessing,he repied ti
grave face, 'No; I don't like the lnoke„of
them taters.' •
A good old elder of a church, who' waii
given to extravagant exaggeration t .wee
last called to account for his offence in
that respect, and admonished not to give
way to the besetting . sin iu future. The
good old man received the admohition
meekly and said :" I know how prone I
am to the fault, my brethren, and it has
given me tortures of pain; andi night after
night I have shed barrels of tears over it."
The meeting adjourned in silence.
Out West the railroads sell tickets to
ministers at half price. Recently, a. gea-
Vann applied at the tieket office in At
chison for "a clergyman's?" ticket. How
am I to know you're a clergyman " asked
the agent., "I'll read one of my sermons,"
answered the minister. Here—here—
take the ticket. I'll let you have it for
nothing sooner than put you to that trou
ble." That agent didn't have an appre
ciation of eloquence.
A. young telegraph operator in Hart
ford after repeated calls for a pug lady
operator in another office, at last got a re
sponse, and then he telegraphed backed
to her, "I have been trying to get you foe
'the last hour I" In a, moment the follow
ing spicy reply came tripping over the
wire% front the telegraphic maiden :
."That'S nothing. There is a young luau
here been trying to do the same thing for
the last two years, and he hasn't got me
There is an oldgoat owned in Detroit
which has received a great deal of training
from the boys. Last Vourtb of July they
discovered that if they, stuck a firecracker
in the end of ik cane and held it at Wil
liam, he wouldlower his; head and go.for
them; and they have practiced the trick !so
much that the goat will tackle auy hu
man being who points a stick at him. • '
A few days ago he was loafing near the
corner of Third and Lewis streets, when
tt• corpulent citizen came up and stopped
to talk with a friend. They hanpened to
speak of sidewalks,when the corpulent cit
izen pointed his cane to just the left of
the goat, and said:
'That's the worst piece of sidewalk in
this town.'
The goat had been eyeing the cane,
and the momentit came up ho lowered his
head, made six or eight jumps, and his
head struck the corpulent citizen just
on 'the telt.' The man went over into a
MSS of; Old tin, dilapidated butter kegs
And abandoned hoop skirts, and the g oat
turned a sumeraault the other way, w hile
the slip' citizen threw stones at a boy seat
ed on a doorstep,who was laughing tears as
big as Chestnuts, and crying out:
'Oh it's snuff to kill a feller !'
It is said by some physician that the
poison from hydrophobia differs from that
of a rattlesnake in remaining in the im
mediate vicinity of the wound for a con
siderable length of
,time, Suction, how
ever, may not alwayi belffectual in draw
ing out all the virus t an& alittle.remain
hag might lie as fatal as a large ijuuntity.
Thorough cauterization with. nitrate of
silver is believed to be effectual if done
114 1, - Qtaa
ted. ' 7-
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