Newspaper Page Text
BY W. nLAnt.
tied p ottrg.
LOTE,DBINIC AND DEBT.
Son of mine the world before you
Spreads a thousand secret snares
Round the feet of every mortal .
Who through life's long highway fares.
Three especial, let me warn you,
ly every traveler met;
Three to try your might of virtue—
They are Love and Drink and Debt.
Love, my boy, there's no escaping,
'Tis the common fate of men;
Father had it ; I have had it ;
.But for love you had not been,
Take youi chances, but be cautious ;
Know a squab is not a dove;
Be the. upright man of honor ;
All deceit doth murder love.
As for drink, avoid it wholly ;
Like_an_adder it will sting;
Crush the earliest temptation,-
Handle not the dangerous thing,
See the wrecks of men around us—
Once as fair and pure as you—
Mark the warning ! shun the pathway,
And the hell they're tottering through
Yet, though love he pure and gentle,
And from drink you may-be free,
With a yearning heart I warn you
'Gaint the worst of all the three
.Many a demon in his journey
Bunyan's Christian Pilgrim met;
They were lambs, e'en old Apollyon,
To the awful demon Debt.
With quaking heart and face abashed
The wretched debtor goes ;
He starts at shadows, lest they be
The shades of men he •owes.
Down'silent streets he furtive steals,
The face of man to shun,
He shivers at the postman's ring,
And fears the dreadful dun.
Beware of. Debt! Once in, you'll be
A'slave for evermore ;
If credit tempt you, thunder "No I"
And show it to the door.
Cold water and a crust of bread
May be the best you'll get ;
Accept them like a man, and swear—
"l'll never run in debt!"
PATRONS OF HUSBANDRY.
Declaration of Purpoece.
PitEAmßLE.—Profoundly impressed with
the truth, that the National Grange of
the United States, should definitely pro
claim to the world its general objects, we
hereby unanimously, make this Declara
tion of Purposes of the Patrons of Hus
GENERAL OBJECTS.—Uni ted by the
,strong and faithful tie of Agriculture, we
mutually. .resolve to labor fbr the good of
onrorder, our country and mankind. -
`We endorse the motto : "In es
sentials, unity ; in nou-essentials, liberty ;
in all things charity."
SPECIFIC On.rEcTs.—We shall endeav-
Of to advance our cause by laboring to
accomplish the following objects :
• To develop a better and higher man
hood and wOrnanhood among ourselves.—
To,enhaime the, comforts and attractions
of our homes and strengthen our attach.
ments to our pursuits. To foster mutual
understanding and co-operation. Tomain
tain our inviolate laws, and to emulate
each other in labor to hasten the good
time coming. To reduce our expenses,
both individual and corporate. To buy
less and produce more, in order to make
our farms self-sustaining. To &versify
our crops, and crop no more than we can
cultivate. To condense the weight of our
exports,selling less in the bushel and more
on the hoof and in fleece. To systematize
our work and 'calculate intelligently on
probabilities. To discountenance the cred
it system, the mortgage system, the lash
ion system, and every other system tend
ing to prodigality and bankruptcy.
iVe propose meeting together, talking
together, working together, buying togeth
er, selling together, and in general acting
together for our mutual protection and
advancement; as occasion may require.—
We shall avoid litigation as much as pos
sible by arbitration in the grange. We
shall constantly strive to secure entire
harinony, good will, vital brotherhood a
mong ourselves, and to make our order
perpetual. We shall earnestly endeavor
to suppress personal, local, sectional and
national prejudices, all unhealthy rivalry,
all selfish ambition. Faithful adherence
to these principles will insure our mental,
moral, social and material advancement.
BusrxEss. RELATIoNs.—For our busi
ness interests, we desire to bring produc
ers and consumers, farmers and manufac
turers into the most direct and friendly
relations possible. Hence we must dis
perisi--- with a surplus of middlemen, not
that we are unfriendly to themXtit we do
not need them. Their surplus and their
exactions diminish our profits.
We wage no aggressive warfare against
any other interests whatever. On the con
trary all our acts, and all our efforts, so
far as business is concerned, are not only
for the benefit of the producer and consu
mer, but also for other interests that tend
to bring these two nartipw irOn prefor cu d
economical contact: Hence we hold that
transportation companieS of every kind
are nemssary , to our success, that their
interests are Intimately cornice ted with
oar interests, and harmonious actions is
mutually advantageous, keeping in view
the first sentence in our declaration of
principles of action that "Individual hap
piness depends upon . general prosperity."
We shall, therefore, advocate for every
State the increase in every practical way,
of all facilities for transporting-cheaply
to the seaboard, or between home produc
ers and consumers, all the productions of
our country. We adopt it. as our fixed
purpose to "open out the channels in na
ture's greatest arteries that the life blood
of commerce may flow freely."
We are not enemies of railroads, navi
gable and-irrigating eauals, nor of- any
corporation whatever that will advance
our industrial interests, nor of any labor
In our noble order there is no commun.
ism, no agrarianism.
We are opposed to such spirit and
management of any corporation or enter
prise as tends to oppress the people and
rob them of their just profits. We are
not enemies to capital, but we oppose the
tyrannynf monopolies. We long to see
the antagonism between capital and labor
removed by common consent, and by an
en ightened statesmanship worthy of the
nineteenth century. We are opposed to
excessive salaries, high rates of interest,
and exhorbitaut per cent. profits in trade.
They greatly increase our burdens, and
do not bear a proper proportion to the
profits of Foducers. We desire only self
protection of every true interest of our
laud by ligitimate transactions, legiti
mate profits. •
Ev . a —" • :hall- advance the
cause of education among ourselves and
for our children, by all just means within
our power. We especially advocate for
our agricultural and industrial colleges
that practical agriculture, domestic sci
ence, and all the arts which adorn the
home, be taught in their courses of study.
THE GRANGE NOT PARTISAN.—We em
phatically and sincerely assert the oft-re
peated truth taught in our organic law,
that the grange, national, State, or subor
dinate, is not a political or party organi
zation. No grange, if true to its obliga
tions, can discuss political or religious
questions, nor nominate candidates, nor
even. - discuss their merits in its meeting.
Yet the principles we teach underlie all
true polities, all true statesmanship, and
if properly carried out, will tend to puri
fy the whole political atmosphere of the
country. For we seek the greatest good
to the greatest number.
We must always bear in mind that no
one by becoming. a Patron of Husbandry
gives up that inalienable right and duty
which belongs to every American citizen,
to take a proper interest in the politics of
On the contrary, it is right for every
member to do all in his power legitimate
ly to influence fur good the action of any
political party to which he belongs. It is
his duty to do all be can in his own party
to put down bribbery, corruption and
trickery ; to see that none but competent,
faithful and honest men, who will un
flinchingly stand by our industrial inter
ests, are nominated for all positions of
trust ; and to have carried out the prin
ciple which should always
every grange member that the office should
seek the man and not the man the office.
We acknowledge the broad principle
that difference of opinion is nocrime, and
hold that progress towards, truth is made
by differences of opinion, while the fault
lies in bitterness of controversy.
We desire a proper equality, equity and
fairness; protection for the weak, restraint
upon the strong ; in short, justly distribu
ted burdens and justly distributed power.
These are American ideas, the very es
asence of American independence,
advocate the contrary is unworthy of the
sons and daughters of the American repub
We cherish the belief that sectionalism
is, and of right should be, dead and buri
ed with the past. Our word is for the
present and the future. In our agricul
tural brotherhood and its purposes we
shall recognize no North, no South, no
East, no West.
It is reserved by every patron, as the
right of a freeman, to affilitate with any
party that will best carry out his princi
OUTSIDE CO-OPERATION.—JOurs being
peculiarly a farmers' institution, we can•
not admit all to our ranks.
Many are excluded by the nature of
our organization, not because they are
professional men, or artisans, or laborers,
because they have not a suflicietit direct
interest in tilling or pasturing the soil, or
may have some interest in conflict with
our purposes. But we appeal to all good
citizens for their cordial co-operation to
assist us in our efforts towards reform,
that we may eventually remove from our
midst the last vestige of tyranny and cor
We hail the general desire for fraternal
harmony, equitable compromises, dud ear
nest cooperation, as an omen of future
CoNcLusroN.—lt shall be an abiding
principle with us to relieve any of our op
pressed and suffering brotherhood by any
means at our command.
Last, but not least, we proclaim it a
mong our purposes to inculcate a proper
appreciation of the abilities and spheres
of woman, as is indicated by admitting
her to membership and position in our or.
Imploring the continued assistance of
our Divine Master to guide us in our
work, we here pledge ourselves to faithfuj
and harmonious labor for all future time,
to return by our united efforts to the wis
cie_m justice., fratcallity and Nlitic43. pur
ity Of our fare-fathers.
FAMILY NEWSPAPER -.DEVOTED TO LITVRATURE, LOCAL AND GENERAL NEWS. ETC.
WANES - BORO;nMIMN COUNTY, PA., THURSDAY, APRIL 23,1874.
The Temperance Movement.
Mr. Editor was favored by the read
of a letter a few 'days since, addressed
to the Bev. J. Fohl, of our town,
by MrS. Hannah. O'Farrell, of Marion,
Grant county, Indiana, but formerly a
resident of this place. The letter contain
ed so much important and highly interst
ing matter, that, in my opinion, and by
the advice of others, I concluded it was
worthy of publication in -the various pa
pers of our county, especially at this im
portant crisis :
"DEAR' Bno.:—We have been engaged
in our county seat (Marion) for the last
three weeks in the Temperance reform. I
cessarily engaged my time, and required
Me to be very prompt.
About two hundred ladies of the prin
cipal families of Marion, volunteered by
pledging themselves in a Band" to battle
against the "Demon" of intemperance in
the saloons, on the streets, and everywhere
the Lord might direct, and I am happy
to say that the "Pillar of Cloud" seemed
to move gently before us, and we were led
to a glorious victory. In three weeks all
the saloons, and six drug stores surrender
ed, ' the latter signing a very stringent
pledge to sell only for legitimate purposes.
of whom surrendered to us $1,500 worth
of liquor, the, other $l,lOO, both signing a
pledge never- to sell-again.
Strange to tell, and yet true, at each
place we were invited to enter and hold
our meetings, and in those synagoguse of
Satan,- where the nightmare of intempere
ante had so long blighted the fond hopes
of many, by degrading humanity; and the
name of God being blasphemed, in those
sinks of iniquity, we had precious seasons
of grace in prayer and praise to God.
The "Band" of sisters stood up nobly to
the work, being of one heart and one mind.
At the same time the ministers and the
laity remained daily in the churches, with
one accord, in prayer for our success while
while we raised the banner of the "Cross"
and confronted the foe in those dens of
Out of the six drug stores, we held pray
er-meetings in all but one, the proprietor
having signed the pledge before we enter
ed. We also held three mass meetings
per week in the largest hall in Marion,
which will accommodate one thousand
persons, being always crowded to an over
flow, where heavy blows were dealt out
against the "Demon" by many animated
speakers. After the last saloonist had sur
rendered we had the most exciting times
I ever witnessed. We met in the public
square to destroy the. "Demon.' The
crowd was immense; the sheriff of our
county was , present .to preserve order.—
After sing ing "Glory to God in the High
est," &c ., I offered prayer and thanksgiv
ing to him who had enabled us to triumph
so gloriously. The sheriff then opened the
casks and barrels, and with our hands we
poured out the liquor, seemingly to the
satisfaction of the entire crowd. This re
quired grace and moral courage on the
part of your humble sister before such a
large concourse of people, but God nerv
ed me for the conflict, and we all passed
through safely. To Him alone be all the
glory. Since the victory has been coin•
pleted in Marion, we are invited to .a
neighboring town (Jontsborii) where the
Demon of intemperance seffus strongly
fortified, but in
,the name and strength.of
Israel's God , weshall strike the blow, and
push the battle to the gate and by faith
we trust that victory shall also perch up
on our banner. We need your sympa
thy and prayers.
I suppose you saw the accounts in the
various papers of the marvelous achive
mews iu the temperance reform, through
women in the West, in the State
of Ohio, especially in the towns of Hills
boro, Alliance, Delaware, Morristown,
Camden, Lewisberry, Eaton,Winchester,
Newport, &M. Question— Why has the
Great Head of the Church chosen the
"weaker vessel" to accomplish this great
work ? Answer—The women and their
children have long been the principal suf
ferers. God bottled up their tears and
their prayers have come up before him as
a sweet memorial, and according to his
promises deliverance shall come forth.
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perforni ;
He plants his footsteps in the sea.
And rides the storn.."
Chen ersburg, April 13,.1874.
A GEDI FROM WHITTIER.—To appreci
ate the truth and beauty of the following
lines from the pen of Whittier, it is neces
sary to know the circumstances under
which they were written. A friend of
Whittier's youth, who had spent most of
his life on the Illinois prairies, called on
the poet at, his home in Amesbury; and
together they recalled the scenes of their
childhood, and briefly recounted the course
of their after life. Whittier seemed much
affected by the allusion of his friend to
his prairie home, where a wife, children,
and a grandson ("Constance") awaited
his return; and, on being asked for his
autograph, replied : "Call on your way to
the cars, and I will hand it to you." The
friend called and received the following.
The lines show the delicate texture of the
poet's heart, the tendrills of which were
evidently stretching after something be
yond his reach :
The years, that since we met have flown,
Leave, as they found me, all alone.
Nor wife, nor child, nor grandchild dear,
Are mine, the heart to cheer.
More favored thou ; with hair less gray
Than mine, canst let thy fancy stray
To where thy little Constance sees
The prairie ripple in the breeze.
For one•like her to lisp thy name
Is bettor than the voice of Fame.
lira h.eutucky lady who has had but
one bonnet for forty years is dead.
Sold on its Merits.
Who has not learned to dread the trav
eling agent? The oily fellow who is can
vassing for a book, or a map, or something
else you don't want, and who never.takes
no for an answer. Who comes when you
are busy and talks till you are tired of him
and when patience is all gone begins again
in the same smooth way,• smiling a sickly
smile that makes you ache to kick him,
and see if that would make any difference.
Such a one recently entered an office in
this city where several, persons where pres
ent, and in the sweetest 'tones inquired for
one of the lawyers whose name was on the
door. That gentleman responded, and
-thereupon - the - book' man-commenced-to
say his lesson in the usual way. °
"I have called-in-for the-purpose-ofask=
ing your attention for afew minutes if you
have the leisure, to a . very interesting and
valuable work that I am now engaged in
introducing among the citizens of this city
and vicinity. It is issued in the most bead.
tiful and attractive style of the day, as
you will see by examining this binding
and glancing 'at these elegant illustrations.
It also comprises, among other things, a
full, complete," etc., etc. all in the regular
and • customary
,fashion. When the first
victim refused, the canvasser proceeded to
-attack-in turn each of-the othergentlemenT
'repeating the same story again and again
with easy volubility. One of them finally
managed to slip in a word of objection.
- "Your mode of business• is not fair. I
like to see a thing sell on its own merits.
If your book is good for anything, put it
on the market, and those who want it will
buy it. Your plan of showing a man a
piece of a book that you are going to make,
and then getting his name to a contract,
is a dead sure thing for you ; but the man
that pays his money takes all the risk."
"But, my dear sir, consider for a mo
ment the immense expense attending the
preparation and introduction of a costly
and elaborated work like this. Why, sir,
the engravings alone of the magnificent
plates and illustrations with which this
work will be crowded will cost over fifteen
thousand dollars, and of course no pub:
fisher can afford to-take such a risk as
that without first obtaining a few subscrib
"Why shouldn't he? It would be far
better than to go aroOd with a few sam
ple pages, inducing people to buy a work
that never would sell on its merits. Make
your goods before you try to sell them,
and when finished, if I want one, I will
This was quite enough to give the un
tiring canvasser , a fresh start, and he
warmed to his subject and talked on in a
careless stream about his book, until he
had finished his whole rigmarole. Just
as he was taking breath to begin again,
one of his victima,turned upon him, say
ing in a very cold - and matter-of factlay :
"Well, sir, rlwa hive now listened with
patience to what you have had to say. 7—
We have looked at the book and heard
all the good things you can advance in
favor of it. Now,if you have a moment's
leisure, I should be glad to show you a
little article that J. am agent for, 'and
which I am now engaged in selling to the
people of this city and, vicinity., It is
small, and not expensive, and yet it is in
dispensible in every household. Children
cry for it, mothers must have it, no gen
tleman's library is complete without it.—
I take no subscribers, but sell and deliver
as I go. Understand me clearly, I, sell
my floods entirely on their own merits,
and if what I have is not worth the mon
ey I ask for it, no gentleman need pur
chase. Here, sir, is my card ; please look
And with this he handed to the aston
ished agent a card, to which was a small
cork attached by a few inches of string.,
On the face of the card were these words
in bold letter :
The most horrible death is to be
talked to death. To prevent the
above terrible fate, use the Patent
Life Preserver attached to this
card. Directions: PUT THE COEN
IN YOUR EAR.
The book agent bounced out of his chair
hot with rage, and his bland tones trem
bled with wrath as he said :
"Have I insulted any gentleman pres
ent by any of my remarks ?"
"Oh, no," returned the other, with per
fect coolness. You follow your business
and I will follow mine. Good-Morning,
LITTLE ,CIIII.IMIEZL--I am ' fond of
children. I think them the poetry of the
world—the fresh flowers of our hearths
and homes; little conjurers, with their
"natural magic," invoking by their spells
what delights and enriches all ranks, and
ellualizes:the different classes of society.
Often as they bring. ith them anxieties
and cares, and live to occasion sorrow and
grief, we should get on very badly with
out them. Only think if there were nev
er anything to be • seen but grown men
and women. How we should long for
the sight of a little child. Every infant
comes into the world like a delighted pro
phet, the harbinger and herald of good
tidings, whose office it is to "turn the
hearts of the fathers to the children, and
to draw the disobedient to the wisdom of
the just.". A child softens and purifies
the heart, warming and melting it by its
gentle presence ; it enriches the soul by
new feeling', and awakens within it what
is favorable to virtue. It is a beam of
light, a fountain of love, a teacher whose
lessons few can resist. Infants recall us
from much that engender and encourages
selfishness, that freezes the affections,
roughens the manners,indumtes the heart;
they brighten the home, deepen love, in
vigorate exertion, infuse courage, and viv
ify and sustain charities.of life. •It would
be a terrible world. I do think, if it were
nut embelished by little childreu.—Bin
ney's Both Worlds. •
It is a curious fact that the great empires
of the world have all perished in one way
—by what might be called over-civiliza
tion.' 'They have grown in power and in
strength, for generation after generation
then, being done with the need for con
quest or for toil, they have grown lux
urious and effeminate, and some hardier,
simpler race has arisen, and conquered,
and succeeded them ;
.to be, in its turn,
spoiled by prosperity, and repeat the old
story. In view of these facts about the
past, the Rev. Charles Kingsley puts a
profound historical conundrum. When
we English-speaking people become men
- vated - with - luxuryTand - need to be taken
down, who will do it; since now there is
°where left a people hardier or braver,
to conquer us. Heaven seems to have
given us the opportunity togo on, and not
to die ; if we are strong and self controlled
enough to improve it. But history is no
false prophet; and just as surely as we
love ease and pleasure better than pro
gress and honor, the enemy will come from
somewhere—were it from the sky over our
head or the earth unde our feet—who will
destroy us. The victories to which this
age, if it is faithful, is destined, are blood=
less ones. ' We have broad fields of science
to - conquerTforces - to - discoverand - purto
use which will infinitely multiply the
strength and the resources of the world;
great truths to establish ; broad charities
to maintain. But all this is not work
which the indolent and the luxurious can
accomplish. If we do not do it, others
must; and if we waste our opportunities,
surely the conquering foe waits for us
somewhere, and we too, shall be among
the nations that have been.
The Mother's Last Lesson.
A mother lay dying. Her little son,
not knowing of the sorrow coming to'him,
went, as was his custom, to her chamber
door saying: "Please to teach me my
verse, mamma, and then kiss me and bid
me good-night 1 lam very sleepy, but
no one has heard me say my prayers."
"Hush 1" said a lady who was watch.
ing beside her, "Your dear mother is too
ill to bear you to-night," and, coming for-
Ward, she sought gently to lead him out
of the room. Roger began to sob as if
his heart would break.
"I cannot go to bed without saying my
prayers—indeed I cannot.
The ear of the dying mother caught the
sound. Although she had been insensible
to everything around her, the sob of her
darling aroused her stupor, and, turning
to her friend, she desired her to bring her
little son to her. Her request was grant
ed, and the child's golden hair and rosy
cheeks nestled beside the cold face of his
"My son," she whispered, "repeat this
verse after me, and never forget it, "When
my father and mother forsake me,, the
Lord will take me up." The child re
peated it.two or three times, and said his
little prayer. 'Then he kissed the cold
face, and wont quietly to his bed.
In the morning he came, as usual, to
his mother, but found her still and cold.
This was her last lesson. He has never
forgotten it, and-probably never will as
long as hp lives.
THE HOME Docron.—The kernels of
peach pits will cure heart-burn. Eat two
or three a day , till relieved.
One 'drop of the spirits of turpentine—
applied immediately will generally dead
en the pain of an ordinary bee sting and
stop, the swelling.
Asthma is sometimes cured with a mix
ture of two ounces of castor oil. Take a
teaspoonful night and morning.
. Alum water is good for frosted feet.—
Bathe with it every night before going to
bed. It will generally remove all pain
and soreness in three or four days.
A simple cure for hearseness is this:—
Take the• whites of two eggs and beat
them, add two spoonfuls of white sugar,
grate in a little nutmeg, and then add a
'pint of lukewarm water. Stir well and
A poison of any conceivable description
way be rendered almost instantaneously
harmless, of most persons, by swallowing
two gills of sweet oil. An individual with
a verb strong constitution should take
twice that quantity. The oil 1%111 neutral
ize every limn, of vegetable or mineral
poison with which the doctors are ac
TIME IS PAsartiu.—"ln all-the actions
drat• a .man performs, some part of his
life passeth. We die with doing that for
which' only our sliding life• was granted.
Nay, though we do nothing, time keeps
its constant pace and flies as That in idle
ness as in employment. Whether we
play, or labor, or sleep, or dance, or stu
dy, the sun posteth, and the sand runs.--
And hour of vice is as long as an hour of
virtue. But the difference which follows
upon good actions is infinite from that of
ill ones. The good, though it diminishes
our time here, yet it lays up a pleasure
for eternity, and will recompense what it
taketh away with a plentiful return at
last. When we trade with virtue, we do
but buy pleasure with 'expense of time.—
So it is not so much a consuming of time
as an exchange, or as a man sows his corn;
he is content to want it awhile, that he
may at harvest receive it with advantage.
But the bad deeds we do here, do not only
rob us of so much time, but always be
speak a torment for hereafter ; and that
in such a life, as the greatest pleasure we
could there be crowned withal, would be
the very act of dying. The one, treasures,
up a pleasure in a lasting life, the'other
provides us torture in a death etertal."
Philadelphia. has "temperance dough
Josh Billings on "Dispepshy."
I have been a practikal dispeptik for
27 years and four months, and it mould
have been munny in my pocket if I had
been born without enny stummuck.
I have prayed upward of one thousand
times to be on the inside like an ostrich,
or a traveling colporter.
I, have seen traveling colporters who
could eat az mutch az a goote.
I have seen a gooseeattill they couldn't
stand up enny more, and then set down
and eat sum, and then lay down and eat
sum, and then 101 l over and eat som mor.
I have tried living on filtered water
and going bare-foot for the dispepshy,
and that didn't hit the spot.
I have soked at water-cure establish
ments until I waz so limber that I
kouldn't get myself bak agin inside ov
my Baldwin apparrel.
I bought a saddle•hoss once, who waz
got up expressly to kure the dispepshy in
90 days or kill the horse. _ •
He waz warranted to trot than a
triphammer, pull wusser on the bits, stum
ble safer down hill than envy other hoes
on the futt•stool.
I rode the hoss until I waz ov a jelly,
and then sold him bridle and all for sixty
eight dollars, and got sued by the purchas
er, and — hadto pay him 90W3Ilars and,
some sents dammage, bekauze the boss
had the "Nimshys," a disseaze I knu
The boss and fixings cost me 450 dol
I kontrackted for eleven kords of hick
ory wood, kross grained, and as phull ov
wrinkles as an old cow's horn,-and-sawed
away three months ov-it, and the pile
seemed to grow bigger every day.
I finally gave away the saw, and what
wood there waz left, to save milife, and
sat down discouraged, a square victim to
the everlastin g dispepshy-
I have live d at the sea side, and gam.
holed in the saline flood, until I waz az
well picked az a number one salt makrel.
I have dwelt at Saratoga, and taken
the water like a mill race, and still had
I hay walked 2 miles before breakfast,
and then ett a slice ov dry toast, and half
the yelk ov a pullet's eg, and , felt all the
time az weak ez a kitten that haz just
cum out ov a fitt.
I had laid down more than 2 thousand
times, and rolled over once a minnit all
night • long, and got up in the morning
like a korpse, and thare didn't nothing
seem to ail me enny where in. partikiar.
I hav read whole libraries on the stum
muk and river, and, when I got thru, I
knu a great deal less what was the matter
dv me than when I begun.
I hay drank whiskee with roots in it s
nuff to carry off' any bridge or saw-mill
dam in the country.
I hay worked on a farm for my vitals
and board, and dieted on fried pork and
ri bred until I waz az thin az the sermon
ov a 7 day baptist preacher.
-I hav dun all theze 'things and just 10
thousand othir things just az redikilus ;
and I hav got the old dispepshy yet, just
as natral and az thik as the pimples on a
four year old goose.
If yu get a gold bolt ov the dispepshy
once you can't never loose entirely; it will
cum around once in a while like a ghost
and if it don't scare yu so mutch az it did
once, and make yu think yu are'going to
die tomorrow, it will make yu feel just
as sorry. JOSH Bn LINCS.
TO Georgia Convicts were farmed out h
a few days ago to the highest bidder.—
They numbered 630, and there were offers
for a much larg e r number. Fifty were
taken to work in iron works at $2O a
head for one year. 100 for coal mines at
$ll a head, 50 to labor on. a railroad for
twenty-one months at $ll a head, and 200
for the same work at $ll per year.—
Messrs. Smith, Middle, and Taylor, plan
ters of 'Washington county, took 100 for
farming purposes at $ll per head.. The
State will receive about $9,000, without
having to contribute anything toward the
support of the convicts. The parties em
ploying them will be responsible for their
DhEants.—lf a man dreams that the
devil is after him, it is a sign that he had
better settle his subscription bill.
If be dreams of an earthquake, and a
turmoil generally, it is a sign that he is
going to be married
If he (helix a married man) dreams
of some fearful mysterious danger, it is a
sign that his mother•in-law is coming to
spend a few days with her darling daugh
If he dreams that his bead is in danger,
and that his hair is falling out, it is asign
that he will have a quarrel with his.wife.
If he dreams of speaking familia,rl y v . to'
a ghost with Erns and tail, it is a sign
that he bad better reduce' his liquor bill.
If he dreams of making a fool of him
self, it is a sign that it is so.
They tell about a man in Maine who
refused to get up and build a fire, and his
wife said she wouldn't, and so they i'e•
veined in bed thirty-seven hours before
the matter was settled. Our sympathies,
are, of course, with the woman, and we
may be permitted to entertain a regret
that it did not occur to her to perform a
great deal of self-sacrifice upon this occa
sion. How noble and beautiful,-would
have been the example set her husband,
how touchingly would she have shown her
wifely devotion, how keenly would she
have made him feel his meanness if she
had risen, we say, and made a fire=if she
had risen, we say, and made s fire under
the bed, in-order to route hita out all of
a andflAn, worms ufh*c.a.a sway
such a chance as that, is false to her duty
and to her.ses.
52,00 PER YEAR.
Wit aud Sumer.
• A crack invisible to the naked eye—
The crack •cf a whip.
'chen a lady fain at figure domshe
tied ? You laud br n her 2.
A gentleman friend las two canaries,
and has named them *Wheeler" and
"Wilson.", His reason for these appella
tions is that neither of them is a 'Singer.
it is remarkable that while several feet
are required, to make one rood, a single
foot, properly applied, is often sufficient
to make one civil.
There is said to be an old miser in Balti
monre who always gets drunkbefore coun
ting his money, so that he may see double
and enjoy the operation the more.
A Fop, in company, wanting his ser-
vant, called out, "Where's that block
head of mine?" "On your shoulders, sir,"
said a lady.
The Danbury philosopher observes that
the placidity of expression worn by a
man who is "next" in a full barber shop
Cannot be Counterfeited.
Leighlimit smashed by .a lady if he
would not venture on an orange. ,‘,‘Mad
am," he replied," I should . be happy to do
so, but T ana,afraid ',might tumble off."
An exchange says that a Michigan man
dreamed recently that his aunt was dead.
The dreath proved true. He tried the same
dream orehis mother-in-law, but it didn't
'Matrimony,' said a modern BenediCt the
other day, "produces remarkable revolu
tions. Here am I, for instance in ten .
short months, changed from 's sighing
lover to a loving sire."
During a recent freshet in , Confectiotst,"
an editor telegraphed to another at the
Scene of action,."&nd me full particultus
of the flood." The, answer came, "You'll ,
find them in Genesis." '
If all men were to bring their misfor
tunes together in one plackmost would
be glad to take hid own hoitmagatn, nth
than take a portion out of common.
A Chicago man wrote to. Agassiz that
lie had an apple which he had , preserved
for fifty-three years , and when AgOsiz
wrote for it, the_joker said it wasi'the ap
ple of his eye. ' •
KT ' \ iew style of boys' trowsers has been
invented in Brooklyn with a Copper seat,
sheet-iron knees, riveted down the seams,
and water-proof pockets to hold broken
I r i‘Howdo, Aunt Maria.?" said-it Georgia
lady to an, old ,colored lady. "Lairft. yer
ant, missis," loftily, replied the aged fe,
male, "and I ain't yer 'uncle ; Tee your
It is found that women make the very
best clerks for the electric telegraph:7,
Very rarely, indeed, are they, at fau/t.--
The only difficulty is to prevent each
'ming lady at either end 01 the line front
laving the last word. • • s
A cowardly fellow hairingkiCked a nemi
boy for pestering 'him to buy an evening , '
newspaper, the lad waited till another boy
accosted the "gentleman," and then shout.
ed in the heirmg of all • bystanders, "It's
no use to try him, Jim, he can't read.".. •
Douglass county, Oregon, boasts of a
lady who , has-been married nine times,
has eight husbanik living; and is' Hiring
with none of them. More than this, she
has a' aughter who is now twenty-three
years of age and living with her third
Here's a chatice for the girls. A. Potts
ville "patient" advertises: Fair Offer—
To the Public—l have too many boys,
and no girls. Two boys came to my
house this week. They are twins. I will
swap one or both of them for a girL"
"Joe, why were you out so late last
night ?" "It wasn't so very late—only a
quarter of twelve." "How dare you sit
there and tell me that lie I was awake
when you came, and looking.at my watch
it was three o'clock." "Welk isn't three
a quarter of twelve ?"
sermonizer made these remarks on
the following soul•saving question: "My
brethern, a man 'cannot afford to loie'his
soul. He's got but one, and te ca ?t get
another. If a man loses his horse he can
get another • but if he, loses his .
A western minister told
,the ruing la
dies of his congregation .thatthe first step
to ruin was an ostrich feather and a yard
ofgay-colored ribbon. One of his hear
,occasion the next day, .to use
some ribbon, asked the clerk for "three
more steps to ruin."'
A debtor ‘vho owed eight - hundred dol
lars offered his creditor eight piomissory.
notes of a hundred dollars each, payable
on the Ist day of eight consecutive months,
which were accepted. The fast note was
protested on its becoming due ; and on the
creditor's asking the debtor for an !ntpla- •
nation; the latter said; "The fact is, my
Foie T c'"?t My Tel! ailv thing And di
vided the debt into'small iiortitinii.to save
you the shock of losing it all at onee.'ts,