Newspaper Page Text
BY W. 'BLAIR. •
G S elect pietrg.
THE BEAUTIFUL LAD.
There's a beautiful land by th'e• spoiler un-
Unpolluted by sorrow or care; • • -
it is lighted alone by, the . prcseuce,,of,qo,
Whose throne.and•whose temPle is ;
It's crystalline streams, with'a inurniering
Meander through valleys so green,
And its mountains of jasper are bright in.
Of a splendor no mortal hath seen. . .
And throngs .of bright shi,gers•tOth jnba:-
Wake the air with their melodies rite; ,
And one known on earth as the'angel of
death, . •
Shines here as the angel Of life! '
infinite tenderness beams from his eyes,
orii his brow is an infinite Calm, .
And his voice, as iti thrills through the
depths of the skies,
It as sweet as the Seraphim's psalm.
Through the amaranth groves of the beau
Walk the souls who were faithful in thiF;;
_And theirforeheads, star-crowned, hy-seph
yrs are fanned,
That evermore murmer of bliss ;
They taste the rich fruitage that hangs froni
And breathe the sweet odors of flowers
Ilklore fragrant than ever was kissed by the
In Araby's loveliest bowers.
Old prophets, whose words were a spirit of
Blazing out o'er the darkness of time;
And martyrs whose courage no tortures
Nor turn from their purpose sublime,
And saints and confessors, a numberless
Who were loyal to truth and to right,
And left as they walked through the dark
ness of wrong,
Their footprints encircled with light.
And the dear little childien who went to
Ere their lives had been sullied by sin,
While the Angel of Morning still tarried a
Their spirit's pure temple within—
All are there—all are there—in the beauti-
' land, •
The land by the spoiler untrod,
And their foreheads star-crowned, by sweet
zephyrs are fanned,
That flow from the gardens of God.
A SLIGHT ACQUAINTANCE.
Cressy Mitchell and John Martin met
at a little picnic party in a country vil
lage, where she was passing a few weeks
of the intolerable hot summer, and he—
well he was reading law for the present
with Esquire Morgan, the village oracle,
and working about the squire's farm to
pay his board.
John Martin was a handsome young
man, and as good as he was handsome.--
So said Mrs. Morgan and all the ladies of
the village, as also did the children, who
loved him dearly for his kind acts and
the cheerful words which he had for eve
The young ladies• all seemed to have a
great deal of regard for him, for they
.each and all foresaw that such,.a good
young man must make an excellent hus
band ; and besides, they felt assured that
he would become very rich, as well as in
fluential; tbr washe not reading law with
squire Morgan, who had gained riches
and influence in the practice of his pro . -
But, somehow, John had failed to a
preciate the regard of any young lady un
til he met Cressy Mitchell, and from, that
time he felt that his 'heart was no longer
Cressy was a beauty, and she knew it.
She doted on it. It was passing strange
that she should feel willing to • deprive
herself of the homage of her many sui
tors and banish herself to a country vil
lage even for a limited period. But she
had planned on making her appearance
at the summer resort of her fashionable,
friends, when the season was half over,
coming fresh and hearty from her coun
try retreat, while the belles of fashion
world have become already worn and
Ireary with fashionable dissipation.
.This was the reason of her seclusion,
and with a swift comprehensive glance,
she scanned the face and features of John
Martin, inwardly rejoicing that such a
handsome and agreeable young man was
to be her companion during her stay in
She did not have one thought that he
would sail to present himself as a candi
date for her favor. She knew her power,
and felt sure that John Martin's love
mould soon he hers.
It was even as she had anticipated.—
All every picnic, pleasure excu.sion or
party gotten up in the village, Jno. Mar
tha was her escort and companion,. and
ere the time which she had allotted to stay
had passed, she was sure that she possess
ed all the love of John Martin's generous
and noble heart.
She had learned to love him also. His
superiority over all other men with whom
she had' associated, forced' her to yield to
him the respect which' was dire hum, and
respect soon ripened into a warmer feel
ing, which Cressy Mitchell would not ac
knowledge even to her own heart.
, The time drew near for' her to take her
departure from the village, and John
Martin had called to say goodbye. With
out preliminaries ; and with no words of
cringing flattery such as her former suit
ors' had invariably made use of, he told
her in a straight forward ` manly way, of
his love for her,' and asked her -to give
him her hand in marriage. .
For,* time there . wasp severe struggle
in the breast of this beautiful 'creature of
fashion. She loved' . johri . She
knew it, rind he knew it, add 'lrer better
nature cried" loudly for' a'hearing in' this
But pride and ambition.,i, whispered in
her ear, "You must not thus flingarviry
all your bright hopes' and prospects for
the future; you may foim , a splendid al
liance; become the wife of a, millionaire : ;
wear laces 'and diamonds and, revel in
wealth and luxury ; do not listen to the
promptings of your heart, but let reason
- Thus importuned by the voice of selfish
ambition„ she put the one love of her
heart away from her, and turning to, the
man who stood with folded arms waiting
her decision, she said :
"Mr. Martin, I cannot afford to indulge
in romantic dreams ; that I love you I,
will not deny, but you are poor and I am
not rich ; consequently each must form a
more.prudent 'alliance. .
He stood for a moment as if transfiied
while the cold, worldly ideas expressed by.
Cressy were floating through his brain
Was this to be the end of the 'bright
dream' of happiness which he had so. ten
derly cherished ? Alas ; he felt that all
the world must be false and cold, now
that his idol had Wien, and his beautiful
Cressy, whom, he had invested with all
the charms and virtues of an angel, had
changed into a cold, scheming, worldly
But he recovered his self-possession, and
extending his hand, he shook hers warm
ly, and with a "Good-bye, Cressy, God
bless you and make you happy," be hur
The next•day" Cressy joined her fash
ionable friends at the . . Springs,
and, for the time forgot John Martin and
**** * * • *
Summer passed, and winter came with
its round of metropolitan gayety. It was
niid-winter, and the "affairs of the season"
came off at the house of the leader of •the
"ton" ;• none but the elit were• there, of
course, and, indeed, they were 'Of the ex
As Cressy was
. promenading the spa
cious saloon, leaning upon the arm of a
cavalier, her escort suddenly paused be
fore a tall-gentleman, .whostood leaning
against a pillar viewing a gay throng
with a weary air. " Miss Mitchell," he
said, "I am happy to be able to present
you a valuable fiend of mine, who in
forms me that he had the honor and pleas
ure of ,a few weeks' acquaintance with you
dUring the past summer."
, Cressy raised" her eyes and met those
of John Martin Sited earnestly upon her.
Her heart gave an impulsive bound, but
she checked its mad pulsations and repli
ed coldly :
"Ah, yes ; I believe I have a slight- ac
quintance with the gentleman."
Without another word she moved on,
and, as the gentleman led her to a seat
"Really, Miss Mitchell a you are a won
der of your sex."
"Indeed, sir ; and why ?"
"I don't believe another young lady
.present would have treated John Martin,
tne millionaire, as coolly as you did just
"John Martin, the millionaire," she
"Ah, he's as rich as Crocesus."
• "Btit when I knew him he was a law
student- . .
,",(20h, pooh I that was one of his odd
freaks ; he always feared he would be
valued for his money, and not for him
As soon as Cressy• could free herself
from her obsequious escort and admirer,
she sought John Martin, and endeavored
to explain her conduct; but he would
give her no opportunity to do so, and.
persisted iu treating her as "a slight ac
In a few weeks he brought his bride to'
the city and introduced her to his lash , -
ionable friends. She was only a simple,
innocent, country girl, but, as the wife of
John Martin, she was welcomed to the
best society. And Cressy never_ ceased
to regret that she pronounced Martin 4,72.-
ly, "a elig!it acquaintance."
Expose water to fire, and it dissolves
in vapor ; wood, and it, vanishes into smoke
and flame, leaving but gray ashes behind;
iron, and it is converted into rust. But
fire mayplay on gold fora thousand years
without depriving it of a degree of its lus
tre, or au atom of its weight. Beautiful
emblem of the saints of God ; gold cannot
perish ; their trials, like the action of fire
on this precious metal, but purify what
they cannot destroy.
Joy is for all men. It does not depend
on circumstances or condition; if it did
it could be only for the few. It is not the
fruit of good luck or of fortune, or even
outward success, which all men cannot
have. It is the soul or the soul's charac
ter , it is the wealth of the soul's own be.
An exehange , says that the hard times
are over. 5..0 we should say, all over the
A: FAMILY Ovi:,,ll,44:!Eri, 77 4,*` . FcrrErD TO LIT.ERA.4*.E,. i.OOAX AND GENERAL NEWS. ETC.
WATIgSBORO', FRANKLIN. COUNTY, PL, THURSDAY, MARCH 19,1874.
Mrs: Astor's Diamonds:
Mrs. AstOr, the 'wife 'of the hundred
millionaire of New York, appeared at a
party which she gave at her Fifth avenue
residence one evening last week, in a style
thatovould justify any reporter , in saying
that she "literally blazed all over with
diamonds." On each of her shoUlders she
bad four starsithe size of silver half dol
lars, made o f. diamonds. , Her. hair was
set very :thickly with diamonds, and: her
head 'seethed a flame with them. There
was a diamond bandeaux upith herbrow:
She had • diamond ear-rings, and a dia.
mond neeklaeepf magnificent proportions.
.Upon both sides ofher chest were two cir,
des' of diamonds ; about: the Size of the
palm of her' hate 'Froin' Jain' dePended
lines and curies of diatnoridd..reabhing to
her waist,,around: which she wore a.dia
mond girdle., On. ,the skirt_ of her dress
in front were o two largri peacocks wrought'
of lilies of 'diamonds. There were rosettes
of diatrionds . on her Slipperi.- . ' There were
. diamondslargedr small butimevery varie•
ty of form, all over her dress and person,
wherever they could be artistically placed.
She presented an extraordinary and dazzl
ing spectacle, as 'she moved, languidly
,the donee , among her friends.
'One of the ladies.present, a connoisseur
in percious stone's, who kept cool enough
to take practical observations, says the
diamonds she wore could not haVe cost
less than a million dollars, and must have
represented her; husband's income for at
least a quarter of a year. This same lady,
who's familiar with countrylife in Europe
says that tbe largest collectiotof diamonds
in any European Empress or Queen be
longs to the present German Empress,
but she adds that. even Augusta herself
Could not make a diamond show which
would begin to compare with that made
by Mrs. Astor on Thursday evening of
last week. In these hard times, the Astors
are occaisonitlly liberal in their benefac
tions. For instance ; there was a banquet
for twenty-four given at the Astor man
sion the other day ; and in front of each
lady's plate there was a gift for her of a
costly bonbonnier, exquisitely wrought
with precious"stone, and about the size of
an ordinary snuff box ; and each lady was
also presented with - a boquet, gotten up
in .a fashion not to be described. The
New York Times, has forsome months
past been trying to make a fuss over the
fact that Astor manages to eiade the pay
ment of a large proportion of taxes on his
vast property by a method which is known
as the "vacation of assessments." • Acord
ing to the Time.% this system is regularly
practiced by the richest men - of New York.
On the evening in which the diamond dis- ,
play here described was' made in the Fifth
avenue mansion, the starving masses in
the wretched quarters of. the city were
swarming around some two or , three hun
dred soup. houses and charity places, while
between eight and nine thousand homeless
men and women were huddled for the
night in station houses orstill,niore miser
able free resorts, and not a few tried to
keep warm by crawling into ash barrels
or slinking into area ways. ' The money
of the Asters is their own, and the suffer
ings of these miserable wretches is their
How to be Happy.
Man's chief end is to love, serve, and
enjoy God. This is the only source of
true, substantial happiness. It is the le
gitimate fruitage of love and service.—,
Happiness never comes, never can come,
by making it an end, and it is
many persons mistake here and make it
an end, seek for it directly, instead of lov
ing and serving God, and thus obi aining
it, that there is so much dissatisfaction
and sorrow in the world. The world is
found to be emphatically a world of trou
ble. The cry, 'who will show us any good ?'
is not answered, because the questioners
ask not' God, heeding the divine reply,
and taking him to be the supreme portion
of their aspiring souls. Queen Elizabeth
was aecustoined to say: „ 'The world is a
mere hog, and he does best :who passes
over it 'niost lightly and quickly.' Lord
on being wished a ha'p'py NeW
Year, said, 'I hope it will be a happier
year than the last; for in that I do not
remember one happy day.' And Gibbon,
in his 'Decline, and Tall,' report& the fol
lowing confession of the 'Caliph Abdal
rahman, found after his decease ; 'I have
now reigned fifty years, in victory or peace,
beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my
enemies and respected by my- allies.; , -
Riches and • honors, power and pleasure,
have waited on my call ; nor does any
earthly blessing appear to have been wan
ting to my felicity. In. this situation I
have numbered the days of pure and gen
uine happiness that have fallen to my lot:
they amount to fourteen. 0 man, place
•not thy confidence in this present world.
It is better to carve your name on
hearts than marble'.
Never scare off a fly with a club when
a feather will do as well.
Show may be easily purchased ; but
happiness is a home-made article.
Never sigh over what might have been,
but make the best of what is.
Whenever you get in a passion, sit
down in a cool place for fifteen minutes.
When you are disposed to be vain of
you mental acquirements, look up to those
who are more accomplished than your-
self; that you may be fired with emulation;
but when you feel dissatisfied with your cir
cumstances, look down on those beneath
you, .that you , may learn contentment.
When a Chicago girl quarrels with her
lover, she communicates the important
fact to her friends in the remark that she
isn't on squeezing terms with that fraud
THI DAYS THAT ARE DEAD,
The sunlieht is bright on the forest and
The lark and the robin are trilling their
The daises and butierenPs border thy path
And nod • to the summer Winds all the
day long. •
As blue is the sky, and as fair are.the flow-
The earth is a wonderfUl picture Out
But I turn from the sunlight, the songs, and
And sigh for the beautiful days that,ftre
dead. • .
Mar o'er the hill-tops, the day. robed - of
Comes forth like . a queen,from the realms
" . of the sun,
And the valleys uplift the white veil of
" • their slumber,
To welcome the dawn of a' day' 'just pe
The dew-spangled lawn and the glittering
foreit, • • •
Drop gems at my feet and o'mjewel my
But'l long for the freshness and joy 'of the
That came•with the beautiful 'days that
Oh sweet vanished days that went out with
Shall I find ye alone in the land of my
With the friends and the
,songs, and the
flashes of gladness, •
And your shies mirrored fair on the
Shall the heart ever mourn for a song that
• is silent,
When sweetest of harmonies o'er it are
Shall the dark buried past find no bright
Shall eternity bring back the days that
Some Signs of the Times.
The present age is fraUghi. with ideas
both political and social, that are some•
what startling to the- e4refpl• observer,
and much more so tore, person not of this
progreSiive generation. • For instance,
whiles the following: • ' s • -
"Men are not as polite now as they
were'n my day," remarked an old gen
tleman, as he glanced at several ladies
wbo were standing in a street-car, while
a number of men occupied seats:
"Why, sir ?" we took the liberty to
' "Because,' he replied, "they would new
have been so ungallant as to allow la
dies to stand in this manner, while they
unblushingly remained seatd-never ! '
It is a positive fact that men do not
treat women with the same politeness and
respect that they did in days gone by.—
They do not pay that tender reverence to
womanhood which it was their wont to
pay. Ara :not women partly to blame
for this falling off in men's.aitention ? I
think so. And why, is the question that
will he asked. Because, now-adays, men
come in contact with a great number of
women who are lacking in those sweet,
essential qualities which men—no matter
how gross and perverted their minds may
bee—so much admire, viz: modesty, sim
plicity and amiability: Many young.la
dies do not think anything of greeting
one in a sort of How are you! Jack, old
boy,' style. Their ideas as regards good
and respectful behaviour are, indeed, ve
ry vague. The vocabulary of their re
marks very frequently includes Suchslang
phrases as, "You know how it is yourself,'
and, "How is that for high ?" Decidedly
cultivated and pretty observations for
young ladies to make, though they, might
allow their school-boy brothers to have
the free and sole ase of them, without les
sening the chaiia of theii cdifireriation.
The manner in which soine.young la
dies use adjectives is astounding. For in- .
stance, ev erything . is "Perfectly grand;!
"Perfectly gorgeous !" And, when they .
refer to a young man, who is any way a t-
tractive, the manner jar:which they speak
Of him is in this wise : 'He's pettedly
splendid l' lie's a deli little Mellow,!'
'He's perfectly sweet !"He's just as nice
as he can be etc., etc. And make such
remarks unblushingly, in tue persence of
I think if girls did not so often . forget
their womanhood, men would more often
MAXIMS 'OF BISHOP MIDbLETON.—
Keep your temper. •
Never be in a hurry.
Rather set than follow exaniples.
Persevere against discouragemeuts.
Rise early, and be an economist of
Be guarded in discourse, attentive and
slow to speak.
Think nothing in conduct unimportant
Never acquiesce in immoral or perni
Preserve self-possession, and do not be
talked out of conviction.
Employ leisure in study, an d always
have some work in hand.
Be punctual and methodical in busi
ness. and never procrastinate. •
Be, not forward. to assign reasons to
those who have no right to ask.
Maintain dignity without the appear.
ance of pride; manner is something with
every body, and everything with some.
Practice strict temperance, and in
your transactions, remember the final ac
Grange Secrets Revealed.
WOW INITIATIONS ARE CONDUCTED.
On being brought into the ante room
of the lodge (Greengrocer Temple, No.
101,) I waa told that I had been ballotted
for and accepted. My informant, who
was securely masked by what I after
wards learned was a large burdock leaf,
perforated with boles for the eyes, told
me thitif •
valued my life it would be
necessary for me to strip. As I did think
.it of considerable worth to me, and as he
italieisectlis :wishes by carelessly pla
With a seven-shooter, I witted w from y
garments with eagerness.'m ed
friend t:laen furnished Me with t regalia
Of 'the fifst - degren—=called "The: Festive
Plough boy"—which consisted merely , of
one large cabbageleafq4ached to a waist
band of potato yines, i tn this ,airy cus:
'torn I 'was conducied . to the door, where
my companion:lave:three distinct raps.
(I was securely blindfolded by binding a
slice of rutabago.over• each eye.) A sep
ulchial_voice.froin within:asked,: "Who
• My guide answered r , '="A youthful agri
culturts . s'who . desires to become a graug
er." • • '.; • •
Sepulchral voice—Have you looked
him Carefully over ?
Guide--. 1 have; noble gate-keeper.
S. V.—Do you find any agricultural
marks about his person ?
• Guide-4. dos , • • • "
V.--What are they?
Guide—The candidate has carroty hair
reddish whiskers anclitirmip"-ilose. '
!S. V.—'Tis well. _Why, do you desire
to become a granger?
, Guide; (ansWermg for dandidate.
That I may thereby the better.be enabled
to harrow up the feelings of the rascally
S. V.—You will bring in the candidate.
My worthy stripling, as you cannot see,
I :will cause you to feel that you are re
ceived at the door on the three points of
a pitchfork, piercing the region of the
stomach, which is to teach you three great
virtues—faith, ,hope and charity. Faith
in yourself, hope for. cheaper farm ma
chinery, 'and charity for the lightning
rod peddler. You will now be harnessed,
and in reTsresentation.of the horse, Pegit-.•
sas, will . be tested as to enduiance and
The candidate is here attached to
small imitation plow, by means ,ola hem
pen harness. A dried, pumpkin vine is
,put hi his'itioutli fora bit and' bridle, he
is made to get down on allfours, theguide
seizes the bridle, and urged,on by a gran
ger armed by,a Canada thistle, which he
vigOrously applies at the 18minus' of' the
spine; the candidate is galloped three,
times around the rocau. While making
the circuit the members arise and sing:
Get up and dust, you bully boy !
Who wouldn't; be a granger ?
If the thistle's prick don't cause joy,
To feeling you must be a stranger !
Afur this violent exercise he is rubbed
dry with corncobs, beeswa*ed where this
tled, and brought standing up before'the
great chief, the most worshipful pump
WW. P. IL—Why do you desire to
be a granger?
' Candidate (answering for himself)—
That I may learn to extinguish sewing
M. W. P. H.=-Have your hands been
hardened with foil
• Candidate—Not ostensively ; but, then,
I animut running for office.
M. W. P. H.—Tis well, for our lodges
mitain several who are supposed to be
ready' d sacrifice themselves for the good
of their constituents. Do you feel pretty
smart this evening ?.
Candidate—Yes, where the bustle goes
111. W. P. LI.-7.(Savagely). • Give me
a thaw of tobacker I , •
Candidate . searching himself thorough
ly but as there is no place about him to
stick a pocket,' tries to explain, but the
, rtio.st worshipful .pumpkin head interrupts
"Never mind, my dearyoung friend—
ani well aware that in-your present con
dition you can no more furnish your
.friends with the weed than Adam could.
be comfortable in a plug hat and tight'
boots: It is merely - to teach you the
lesson, -of economy—doing to others as
you'd like to have them do to you. You
will now be conducted to the most emi
nent squash producer, who will teach you
the grand hailing sign of distress.. '.fhe
sign, my worthy brother, will insure you
against many of the ills of agriculturist, a,
mongst others, against drouths and being
bit by ferocious grasshoppers.
The candidate is now conducted to the
mast eminent squash producer, who thus
says : "My worthy brother, I. will now
invest you with the order of the Festive
Ploughman, which you have well won by
your heroic achievement while harnessed
—may you ever wear it with pleasure to
yourself, and may it be rymeans of terror
to your enemies."
(The M. E. P. then proceeds to invest
The candidate with the regalia ofthe Fes
tive Ploughman, which consists of a long
tomato necklace.) "The grand hailing
sign of distress is made by gently closing
the left eye, laying the right forefinger
alongside ie nose, and violently wagging
the ears. It requires practice, but the
.advantages nre intense. It also has an
important signification, which you will do
well to heed. The closing of the eye sig
nifies that in all your dealings with man
kind you are bound to have an eye to
business. Laying the finger alongside
the nose is emblematical of wisdom, and
places you at once among the "knowing
ones." This is extremely handy in prog
nosticating neW weather, and saves the
wear and tear of almanacs. • Wagging
the ears signifies sublimity of purpose,
and is thmight to be emblematical of
childhood's -happy hours." It is also sup
posed by some profound scholars to' have
a distinct reference to apple • dumplings,
hut this fact is somewhat obscure by the
dust of ages. In token that you are one
of us, you 'will now be branded. This
ceremony is very impressive, and consists
of two brands. They are both applied
"while the iron is hot,"and consist of one
letter of the alphabet each. The first is
alarge letter S, on which you will please
sit while the other- letter . is applied to the
stomach. The letter S, my worthy chick
en, signifies scooped, • and refers to rail
road monopolies. It is also supposed to
indicate the seai'of learnirit--the' spot'
where the old - time teacher hunted for,
brains with the ferule: The second letter
is C, and is:applied, as I said before to
the stomach — lt - has: a=-double-meaning.
Firsti tbe applicationis an agricultural
ohe, "corn-crib," and,has reference to the
stomach 'as being the great receptacle for
BourliOn'whiSkey: 'But, brother, do not
' be diligent in finding alonie market fol.'
your, corn:: The,'second application:, of
the letter C,.my distracted, infant, is, got.
hold of as follows : When' 'one granger
desires to ascertain ‘"for sure" if there is
another of the Order in the room, he rais
es himself gently by the.slack of his—of
his unmentionablesscratches his off
thigh,'with his.near hoof, and remarks in
a voice of thunder :'"Are there any gran
gers oho& ?" The•answer is "Jees was."'
The inquirer . then says : "Let us see,"
(letter C,) and the other party most im
mediately pull out his stomach and, dis
close the brand..
These brands are applied in such a
manner that I am enabled to assure you
that they will wash..
I was here, enterrupted, Mr. Editor, by
a volley fliainto•theoopen windoW, evi•
dentlY intended for me. Fortimately I'
escaped without a scratch, and, which is
of more consequence, succeeded in fetch
ing off my precious manuscript. This. is
about all there is in the cermony' of any
importance—l must leave the country at
once—armed Ten are at my heels—they,
know that lem writing to epos them.
You may hear from me again by maitif
I should deem it best 'to expoSe the otlidi
degrees—until then--adieu.''' ,
..From your sacred 'friend, . . •
• . B. POLE
ceremony of initiation
is used (tiring The absence of the lady
members.. Their initiatory ceremonies. are
entirely different, being much simplified.
as they should- be.—Enterprise.
Turkeys Preaching Ventriloquism.
At one place a marketman had-some
fme.turkeys in his wagon, and was selling
them quite rapidly, when, I stepped up
and inquired the price . .
"Twelve and a helf cents a' pound,"
said the owner.
"Twelve and a half cents !" I exclaim
ed: "Why, that's an extraordinary charge
for stale poultry,"' erecting a slight up
lifting of the nose, as I uttered the last
"Stale !" shouted the farmer : "you are
no judge ;" and placing his arms akimbo,
he eyed me with a fierce expression. '
"Keep cool," I replied : "this matter
can be soon settled without a quarrel, for
the turkeys know how long they have
been killed, and I have the power of
giving them voice, to tell, if you will but
submit to their verdict."
The farmer,• at this, laughed immoder
ately, and seemed now to regard me as
just out of a lunatic asylum. I, however,
retained my gar vity, and pertinaciously
insisted upou . putting the question to the
turkeys, offering to give twenty dollars
for the six which were in the cart, if one
of them did not confirm, the charge I made.
• "Well, you're, one of em," replied the
"I'll do it; put up your money."
I took four eagles out of my pocket and
placed them in the-hands of a spectator
—a large crowd, having now collected—
telling him that if, the first turkey I lifted
did not - say he • • was killed last fourth of
July, he (thefarmer was to have the gold.
All was 'now,arranged, and I grasped
one of the largest of the turkeys, and said
'to it,'in a solemn tone of voice.
" "Whitt-were' you' killed, old gobbler?
"On the fourth of July, lett," said, or
seemed to say, the turkey.
The farmer's eyes stood out about two
Indies from his head, as he cried out, 'lt's
a darned' lie!" ,
To be' brief, I was soon recognized, and
the whole mystery was Speedily explained,
entirely, to the satisfaction of the farmer.
One of Boston's esteemed citizens was
in a well-known restaurant partaking of
a wholesome and invigorating • apple-pie.
Discoiering something therein that seem
ed to have no legitimate connection with
pie, he called the proprietor and differenti
ally observed to hith : •
See what I have found in this pie, a
piece of blue everall with button attach
Thd enterprising proprietor, not at all
disconcerted, quietly replied•:
"Well, keep on eating ; you may find
A Detroit policeman' in the western
part of the city heard theta . resident of
Twelfth street had been badly injured,
and he called at the house to obtain par
ticulars. He found the man lying on the
lounge, his head bound up and his face
badly scratched, and he asked :
"What is the matter ; did you get run
over or'fall downstairs?"
"so, not exactly," replied his, wife,
"but he wanted to run the house his way
and I wanted to run it my way, and there
he is." - •2.
Better be upright -with poverty, than
unprincipled with plenty.'
$2,00 PER YEAR..
ill: 1,4 i•
Wit aitil ghtmor.
What . is the difference between •a tube
and a foolish Dutchman ? One is a hollow
cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.
It is said ,of a saloon:keeper reeinity)
conquered by the Ohio t perance peo- '
plc that he never 'smile. again". A
. "Don't a Quaker e,T take off • his , 14S ; :
to any one. mamma?' tb, my. dean"—
"If he don't take o %his tto the b4ber
how does he have is hair ut. . .
An editor's pistohaving b.vn stolen,
he advertises that if'the thief:Will return
it'he will give-Min the ocintelith,'and no
questions asked. • .•
(An old • Milwaukee bummer,: when he'
read that as: wpmen in Ohio are
ing barrels, .9f whisky, into the guttets, ‘
e- o_he'an sahin_iatte -' • •`-, - •
'A Good brother in a Baptistchurch of
Idiama comity, Indiana ; while giving his
eigierielace, not long ago -said "Brether:
in, I've been a tryin' this night onto flir
ty' years to serve the Lord and get rich
both at once, and I tell.yer, it's mighty
hard sleddin' I"
man in South Hero, Vt., whohaen,
gun iyhich pcattered.shot badly, saw an ' ff •
advertiiement in a city paper_,offering: to—
send information of a Method 'of preven
ting. such- scattering for fifty cents. -He ;
forwarded the money, and received in
Orne on to put in only one shot.' '
' A Western Moralist says : "Our
ience and the history , of mankind 'since•
the invention of gunpowder inclines us tu ,
believe that no matter hew well you trent,
a shoe-gun, nor' how you bring it up
bang the stuffing out of you the first time•
it gets a chance." ••.- • • •
A. gentleman. at a dance - remarked to
his partner, wwitty-yonng lady; that the
get some air. After.un absenee
an hour he returned, lilhen sheasked
"if he had not been to the
. gr#eyard; as
his brei.th Sinelt 'of the 'iffier. '
It is said that some.af the.bogsin lowa
have become grangers in principle. They;
are in the habit of deliberately' walking
up and sucking the Cows when they lie
down at night; thus getting their supplies
from first hands, and entirely ignoring the
Ar7lentleman of Salina, Kansas;.-has
thoughtfully put his front gate in the-pani •
]or, so that his daughter and her young,
man can swing
,on it without taking
during the cold' weatiftir: ' This is a - hn•
mane suggestion to all fathers... 'A frbitt
gate in theparlor may save 'a rid , many( '
dollars that, would otherwise itpaitiblitr, ,,
for soothing syrups and cough balsaes.,.
. ...- of
A sailor' dropped out of the rigging ,
'ship' of war, some fifteen oftwenty Chet,;
-and fell plump on the heEd of the first 1 .;
lieutenant. "Wretch I" .sakrliiO;Officter,-
after he had gathered himl.f:ap,—, .
"Where the deuce did you,"ciiiiie from ?"..
"An" sure, I Caine form thCliorth of Ire-,-, -
yes honor." ' •
A distinguished and sagacious whole
sale merchant of New York says : "I
watch the papers of the locality of cus
tomers, and when I find one too stingy to
advertise, or if he has withdrawn his ad
vertisement, I immediately close my ac
count with him. The "Man who can't • ap
preciate the benefit of adVertisiniug, will
never make a successful merchant, is nu
safe to trust."
An rishnum was once taken to see the
wonders of Niagara Falls. He ' did Jaw '
seem to think it tremendous after. lig
His friend asked him-, "Don't you think.;
it is a wonderful thing?" "Why is. it
wonderful thing?" Asked the
,Irishma,n .. !
"Don't you see," sad his friend "ill*:
immense body of water rolling down thiV'
precipice ?". Says he; A,What's to hinder •
"I Don't • believe much 4n the Bible,"
said a collegian to'an old Quaker. "Does
thee believe 16 France ?" "Yes, I dc. I
never saw it, but I have plenty of proof
that there is such a councry.".. Then thee
does not believe anything unless thee or
thy reliable friends have seen it ?" "No,
be sure I won't." "Did thee eve' lace thy
own brains ?" No." "Did thee ever know
anybody that has seen thy brains ?" No."
"Does thee believe thee has any brains 2".
The following dialogue was overheard
the other day in Vicksburg :
.'iSay, Jim, I'senoticetlsomefin' in ,dis
town, is you ?"
•'I duns° whediler I is or no, Si ; what
"It's dis: Is son noticed when a strange
darkey cornea here dot 'mounts to sumfin',
de white folks say, "who is eat colored
man ?"hut de culled people say. "who is
dat nigga r Jim, - nigga aint got no
sense, no how."
"Oat's so, Si, sho'e yer
At a very successful ° scene iii Cincin
nati the other nigh a man birst into tears •'
when the medium. described , very- acea.r.c
ately a tall, blue:eved spirit. standing by
him, with, light side whiskers and his hair
parted in, the middle. "Do, you know
him? I guess I do," replied the unhappy
man ; wiping his eyes. He was engaged
to my wife. If ho hadn't died he would
have been her bushandinstead of me. Oh,
George, George!" tic murmured, in a
voice choked with emolion, "why did you..
peg' out ?"