Tiie Forest Republican
la published avery Wednes lay, by
Offlo In Smearbaugb. ft Co.'. BoiUin;
ILX STREET, TIOSE3TA, VK.
Terms, - tJI.OO ! Year.
Ro subscriptions received (or a borter
period than tnroo mouths.
Oorraapoadonco toliolte I from all ptrti of
lb country. No uo;ioe will be taken ol
anonymous ooa)iuuoiuilon.
Lieutonaut Blue's personally con
luctel tours are very popular with
Shis country.
Considering tliat the general de
ficiency bill carries an appropriation
of $210,000,000, is clear that the de
ficiency is very gonernl indeed.
' China has suffered some financial
reverses lately, but the demand foi
-fireworks this year has gone far to
ward putting the government on its
foet.
It is estimated that our exports foi
the yeor 1893 will amount to $835,
000,000, exceeding all previous rec
ords by about $16,000,000. Exportl
of corn tilono havo exceeded 200,000,.
000 bushels, as ajainst 100,000,000
the highest previous record.
At tho last session of the Georgia
Legislature the sum of $10,000 wai
approprioted to the Georgia Sohool ol
Technology for the purpose of adding
a textile deuartmouV to that inetitu
tion; but iu order to make this sun
available it was provided that anothei
like sum should first be raised by pop
Hlar subscription, mukiug the total eu
dowment 820.000.
The assignment of Commodore John
Crittenden Watson to the command ol
the Eastern Squadron brings before
the public anothor graduate of Ad
niiral Farrngut's school of naval war
fare. The Commodore was flag lieu
teuaut on the Liar t ford at the battle ol
Mobile Bay, and it was he who lashed
the Admirat to the rigging after tht
bluff old hero had refused to take i
less exposed positiou. Rear-Adrnirai
Dewey received his first praotical
instruction under Farragut, and th
taotics of Mobile Bay won for him and
for Amorioan arms enduring fame it
Mauila Bay thirty-four years later.
The war has not thus far produced
much novel caricaturo, the caricatur
ists being satisfied for the most pari
with the old types and this, too, al
though thoro is some complaint ol
them, says the New York Post. A
few critics have appeared who declare
that there is not sufficient correspou
dence between the type and what it
typifies. John Bull, for instance, il
is said, might well enough two gen
erations ago have been regularly sol
before us as a burly, red-cheeked far
mer, and in the days whon the
"American Cousin" made the fortune
of a theatre, the United States might
fairly have been caricatured as a long,
lank, lantern-jawed Yankee whittler
but in these days John Bull and wi
bave become more cosmopolitan,
and both countries should endeavoi
to introduce a new caricature typ
which would be more "up to date."
Human nature crops out iu tht
circles of domestic peace or war quite
as often and as typically as it doei
down on the sweltering battlefields ol
Cuba. A dressmaker who sued a cus
tomer for $2 furnished a pleasing ex
ample of this iu a police court in New
York City. The customer awore be
fore a more or less pationt Magistral
that the garment which was appraisec
at 82 made her look like a fright, anc
that she could not oouscientionslj
give up her good money for such poo;
work. The dressmaker, however, do
manded (2, and would not take any
thing else. The Magistrate theretipoi
invented "the municipal fund for the
settlement of strauge cases," and pak
the money out of his own pocket
When the dressmaker found out tha
there was no such fund she returnee
the money with the announcemen
that she had an abundance of it. Shi
simply did not wish another woman t
"get the best of her." That is tht
glorious spirit which wins victories it
peace or war.
The confession of Professor George
Herbert Stephens, a former profossoi
oi logic and moral philosophy of La
fuyette College, that he was the authoi
of the fire which recently destroyed
Pardee Hall, and also of various othct
nets of desecration and malicious mis
chief which have been charged to the
students of the college, is an acknowl
edgment of a degree of moral wicked
ness rarely found in the most de
praved members of our civilization.
It is all the more remarkable, com
metis the Trenton (N. J.) American,
that ore enjoying such opportuuitiei
for solf-culture should give himself nr.
so entirely to his thirst for revenge
for an injury which he brought upot
himself by his own imprudent acti.
Ho takes rank with the monstrositiet
of crime which have disgraced otn
civilization, while his lapse from the
paths of virtue can only be accounted
for on the grouud that in the pursuit
of his revenges he lost the control o!
his reason. That is the only charita
ble grounds upon which bin uionstroui
crimes can be accounted fur.
Fore
VOL. XXXI. NO.
THOU SHALT NOT
Thou shalt not walk alone.
The shadows gather and the weird winds
moan,
Tho ghoul, Grief, grlnnoth on the graven
stone;
Wild Is the way, but lone It shall not ba
If I may share thy pilgrimage with thee.
As from a mystlo scroll.
Which love and sympathy alone unroll,
I read the -irets of thy sorrowing soul.
And with responsive sorrow take thy
hand '
To lead thee o'er the baloful bordcrlund.
THE POWER
A. Filibustering Episode
w - w
BY C. UUNGEBFOBD.
F you please, sir,
do you want to
hire a boy?" said
a sturdy, sun
burned boy to the
captain of a coast-
- ing vessel that lay
tied to a wharf in
a Southern port.
"Don't believe I
elo, sonny," re
plied the captain,
regarding tho boy
critically. "Ever had any experience
in a sailing vessel?"
"No, sir; but I worked for Mr.
Church, the surveyor, aud he says
that navigating aud surveying are
pretty much alike; leastways, the
figuring is," the boy continued.
"I reckon," said the captain,
shrewdly, after a moment's delibera
tion, "that you're one of those boys
that's run away from home an' expects
to bo captain of a clipper ship iu three
months. You better go back home to
yer ma and pa and get a good eddioa
tion, au' perhaps when you're a man
you'll own a big ship."
"I never had any parents, aud I
haven't had a home for a year," said
the boy, sadly. Then by way of ex
planation: "You see, I was found
floating in my cradle when I was a
baby at the time of the big flood, and
they couldn't find out who I belongod
to, so Miss Kyle took care of me and
sent me to school until a year ago,
and then she dit d, and her relations
from out West, came and took her
property. Thoro . didn't seem to be
any place for me after that, and so Mr.
Chase gave me my board for helping
him survey. He's not very busy now,
so I thought I would try aud get some
thing to do."
The captain meditated for some
time over this long explanation.
"Well, I expect to go out to the Bauks
this winter, an' I'll need a good,
bright boy that ain't afraid of work.
I expect to put in hore again in about
two weeks, an' if you'll happen arouud
I'll ship you. What'B jour name?"
"My name's George Bylo, sir; but
can't you lot me go with you now?"
"No," said the captain, decidedly,
"you can't come now."
The boy felt, too much disappointed
to tell the captain that work was a
necessity to him at once, aud that all
he had to live on for the ensuing two
weeks was two sandwiches and a bot
tle of home-made root beer that kind
hearted Mrs. Chase had given him
with his car fare to the city.
While he was trying to think of a
way out of the difficulty the idea of
becoming a stowaway on the schooner
popped into his head. This did not
seem honorable, but the longer he
meditated on the subject the stronger
grew his conviction that there was no
other road open to him.
It had now become quite dark, and
George moved cautiously toward the
sohooner to reoonnoitre. To his dis
may he saw a sailor in the act of east
ing off the hawsers that bound her to
the wharf. Too late too late. It
was indeed a day of disappointments.
Very slowly the stern of the vessel
swung around with the current, aud
a ray of light from the cabin of a near
by steamer flashed under her oouuter,
revoaliug, for a brief space, her name.
"The Happy Thought, Bath," read
the boy, as he walked to the end of
the pier. "Hello! They've left their
dory behind them." The words were
hardly uttered before he was iu the
boat and pulling rapidly toward the
slowly disappearing schoouer. Then
another idea seized him, and he
stopped rowing.
"Of course," he said to himself, "the
captain will be glad to get his dory, but
he will have me put bock on shore. I
won't be any better off then th.tu I
was before. I'm going to return this
dory and I'm going to get on that
schooner at the same time without be
ing seen." Then, noticing that the
vessel was no longer drifting, he drew
cautiously nearer and saw to his sur
prise that all was activity on board
and that a. large lighter was being
rapidly unloaded into tho schooner's
hold. A momont later a boat shot out
from the shadow of the lighter and
came rapidly toward him. Quick as a
flash he dropped quietly into the
water and swam rapidly away for a
few moments; then, turning, swam
under the schooner's bow. Seeing an
opportunity, the boy pulled himself
up by the anchor chains, aud, grasp
ing the bob stay and fore stays,
swung himself over the bulwarks op
posite to where the crew was watch
ing the approach of the yawl. He ran
to the hatchway aud dropped into it.
A moment later he had slipped into an
aperture and was safe from discovery.
Seeing no one in the hold, he crept
out of his retreat, and soon found a
much more secure hiding place.
it was tedious work lying there do
ing nothing, and he soon fell asleep.
A crash directly overhead awoke him
with a btart, and he could see in the
II tn light that a heavy bale of cotton
r'
ST
17. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 1898.
WALK ALONE.
I know the torturer's tonguo
In spiteful rage has racked thee, and hat
wruDg
Tho blood of suffering from the heart
which stung
Presumption with defiance, yet tliescur
Will but atturt bow Urni thy virtues are.
Be cheered, if I may cheer,
For thou, the dourest, shalt be doubly dear;
World-wounded spirit, make thy haven
here.
Deep as the love thou wnkenest in my breast
bhall be my rapturo and thy perfect reit.
Woman's Home Companion.
OF PEPPER
had been placed direotly over his hid
ing place.
They can t find me now, ho
said exultantly to himself. "I am
safe now safer than need be, per
haps," and the story of a stowaway
who had found himself imprisoned
under the cargo of a vessel and lived
on a box of sea biscuit for over
week came into his mind. "If that
fellow dug his way through the cargo
of a steamship iu a week, I ought to
be able to get through a bale qf cot
ton in a' day. My, but I'm thirsty!
I'm mighty glad that I'vo got some of
this root beer left." There was not
much of this just enough to quench
his thirst for the time being, and in
the darkness of the hold he had un
knowingly drained the last drop from
the boule. After a time he could feel
the long swell of the oceau, and he
knew that he was, fairly out to sea.
"Time to get to work," he thought,
aud, taking out his knife, he cut the
bagging that enclosed the bale over
his head. With knife and fingers he
tore out a big pile of cotton that soon
filled the small place where he lay,
but the tightly compressed balehardly
showed that it had lost anything.
"I ve got to tuck this stuff away some
where, or I won't have room to work
in," he thought. Just at this moment
his knifestruck a piece of wood iu the
bale. "The cheats," he said to him
self; "they'ro tryiug to sell old boards
for cotton." It took some time to cut
through tho board, but after he had
made a small aperture he was stir
prised to find a number of small ob
jects tumbling over him. He exum
ined them closely.
"Cartridges!" he exclaimed, - in
amazemeut, "and iu a bale of cotton.
Now I know why they loaded up at
night, ami why they were so anxious
to keep people away. These cartridges
are for the Cubitus, and this is au ex
peditiou to supply arms to them the
same as the Virginius did years ago."
George had studied iu history how
that unfortunate vessel had managed
to slip by tho United States anthort
ties, only to be captured on the high
seas by a Spanish cruiser, aud nearly
all the crew aud passengers executed.
He dimly understood that something
called "international law prohibited
tho United States from allowing the
export of arms and ammunition to the
Cubans. He shuddered as he thought
of what might happen if the Happy
Thought were captured, and then his
thirst, which was almost unendurable,
made him think of the work ahead of
him, aud he commenced enlarging the
hole iu the bale. The cartridges were
easily removed, and by hard work he
soon managed to cut his way through
the top of the bale, but discovered
that other boxes had been placed above
this, and he would have to cut his way
through them. After resting for
time he attacked these and soon had
tho satisfaction of feeding his knife
slip through the bottom boards of the
box over his head. A fine powder foil
over his head, and in au instant he
had thrown himself on his face, yell
ing like a Comanche. The box con
tained red pepper. For a while he
thought his eyes would be burned out
of his head, but, realizing that some
thing must be done to stop this fiery
rain, he seized a bit of cotton and
stuffed it into the hole his knife had
made. That he could not get through
the box of rod pepper was very evi
dent. His only hope was to cut his
way through the side of the bale of
cotton and then work his way up to
the surface. He now worked with a
wild desperation, cutting at the side
of the bale like a madman. On
opening the adjoining box he
found it to be filled with rifles
These were soon thrown aside, aud
he commenced to cut through the top
of the box. -
He had exhausted himself by his
frantic exertions, aud, in spito of the
paiu in his eyes and his burning
thirst, he fell asleeip for a short time,
He awoke slightly refreshed, bnt thirs
tier than ever. "Now," he said, "I'll
see what's overhead." Another box
barred his way, and he cautiously cut
into it, not wishing to go through an
other experience with popper. Again
a soft rain of powder fell over his
hand, bnt he was prepared this time,
and it was quickly stopped. It felt
cool on his hand, and he tasted it to
make sure he was right. "Flour," he
gasped. "I'm all right this titno.
Still, I might get smothered if I let it
fall in here. I wish I had a piece of
pipe so that I could lead it ont of the
barrel. I wonder if a rifle barrel
wouldn't do the work!" He soon put
this plan into execution, and had tho
satisfaction of finding that a small
stream of flour was running steadily
into the space behind him. By cut
ting other holes and inserting the
rifles for conduits he readily emptied
the barrel.
Half an hour later a dusty, red-eyed
boy, with tongue too swollen to speak
was lifted out of the hold and laid on
the deck. A small cup of water was
R
EPUBLICAN.
giveu to him, and then the captain or
dered the.meu to put him to bed. He
was taken below aud placed in a bunk,
and by the next morning had recov
ered both voice and strength. As
soon as ho made his appearauce on
elock tho mate told him to go down
into the cabiu, as the captniu wished
to see him. With many misgivings
George wont below and found the cap
tain accompauied by a small, dark
man, who seemed to be extremely
nervous so much so, in fact, that
George thought that he, too, might be
a stowaway. Still he looked as if he
was quite able to pay his fare.
"Well, young man," began the cap
tain, "whut did you hide yoursolf on
board this scooner for?"
"I wanted to be a sailor,", was the
prompt reply, and theu he described
the manner in which he had come
aboard, hidden himself iu the hold,
and, finally, how he had dug his way
through tho cargo.
"Why did vou choose this vessel to
ruu away m? said the small man,
regardiug George with evident suspi
cion. "Because I thought she was the
finest ship iu the harbor."
George thought he saw the captain's
features relax a little at this reply, but
the next question was delivered more
sternly than the others.
"What did you find iu the hold?"
"Cartrietges and guns and red pep
per and flour."
"Put him iu irons! Put him in
irons! He's a spy!" screamed the lit
tle, dark man.
"Mr. Meneudez," said the captain,
impressively, "so long as I'm captain
of this schooner, 1 caueriate to ue
liver my own orders." Then, turning
to the boy, said: "You've got a pret
ty good idea of what kind of a trip
you re takiu', 1 reckon -
"Yes, sir; it's a filibustering expe:
dition, I think."
"Just so. An' you know what they
do to filibusters when they catch
em?"
"Yes, sir; they shoot them."
"Theu, if you don't want to get
shot, all you've got to do is to hold
your tongue on' 'tend to your own
businot's, if we should happen to be
boarded by any one. Now run upou
deck an' tell Mr. Jones to put you to
work."
The mate kept George pretty busy
at odd jobs, bnt as he was very anx
ious to learn and was williug to try
anythiug, he soon wou the favor of
the cuptaiu aud mate. As for the
sailors, they simply made a hero of
him after his story became known.
One of them even went so far as to
present him with a small monkey that
he had kept chained behind the
oook's galley, and all his spare time
was spent iu teaching the little fellow
to perform.
One morning, about three daye after
he had made his appearance, Georgo
came on deck aud found Mr. Menen
ilez and the captain engaged in a very
earnest conversation, frequently cast
ing uneasy glances at a vessel that lay
about a mile away. Just theu a puff
of smoke shot out from Jier side, and
a moment later the mullled report of a
gun rolled over the water.
"Shall we hold our course?" George
heard Mr. Mendeuez anxiously inquire
of the captain.
"Yes."
Theu another puff was seen, and a
shot went skipping along across the
water far iu front of the schooner. A
short, savage order from the captain,
aud the schooner was brought into the
wind with all sails fluttering.
"Are you sure we are safe if they
take it into their heads to examine the
cargo?" said Mr. Menendez.
"Perfectly safe. Iu the first place,
what would they examine the cargo of
a coasting schooner for? No one ever
heard of such a vessel doing any fili
bustering. Iu the second place those
man-o'-war's men are too tarually lazy
to move the heavy bales we have on
top of the ammunition."
Iu spite of the captain's declaration,
George could see a shade of auxiety
pass over his face, as he watched a
boat that had come alongside. The
officer in the utern sheets clambered
aboard and was coolly received by the
captain, who, after a moment's con
versation, showed his manifest. The
offiger was evidently not satisfied, for,
calling to his' men, he had them re
move the battered dowu hatches. The
captain threatened and protested, but
the officer answered with au inso
lent grin, and,- in company with
all but two of his seamen,
who were detailed to guard the
hatches, commenced to overhaul the
cargo. To George's dismay, they
commenced at the identical spot
where he hud made his exit.
"If they find the guns aud cart
ridges, they will confiscate the cargo
and kill us all, perhaps, thought he.
Theu, to make matters worse, oue of
the sailors, finding that the flour bar
rel could be easily moved, lifted it out
and knocked the head in. The fact
that it was empty was regarded with
suspicion. The next thing that was
picked up was the box of red pepper.
The cover was pried off, and, seeing
what the contents were, one of the men
set it on the empty flour barrel pre
paratory to jumping into the cleared
space.
"If that box of pepper would only
upset," thought George, "thoy
wouldn't want to know anything more
about the cargo."
Tho thought - gave him an idea.
Untying the monkey from the mast,
Georgo showed him a lump of sugar
in his hand and then threw it Bwiftly
into the hold. It was done so quickly
that no one saw but the monkey, who,
not recognizing the authority of the
guards at the hatchway, sprang into
the hold, aud, finding every other
way barred to his coveted sugar,
leaped full on to the box of pepper in
its insecuro position on the flour bar
rel. The barrel rocked, poised it
self for one anxious moment and
the pepper fell, only to rise again
in one great cloud that enveloped
everything iu the hold. From out ov
this red cloud arose a fearful uproar.
Yells of rage aud screams of pain,
minsled with the shrieks of the mon
key, who was biting and scratching
all who came within his reach, added
to the pandemonium. Presently a
a man climbed out of the hold, stag
gered to the bulwarks and leaped into
the sea. He was followed by another,
and another, until, last oi an, came
the officer and the monkey. The two
seamen who had not gone into the
hold regained their senses in time to
rescue those of their mates who could
not swim, and recover the remaindei
who were swimming blindly about.
The schooner's crew thoroughly en
joyed the predicament these poor fel
lows were in, and hooted and jeered at
them as they vainly endeavored to
rub the smarting substance out ol
their eyes.
"Come alongside," commanded the
captain. "I'll give you something
that will help you," and ordering the
men to lie down, he bathed their eyet
with oil until they were relieved. Jusl
as he was finishing his task anothei
boat dashed up full of armed men.
The trouble had been seen by the
officers of tho warship, and, apprehend
ing serious trouble, they had manned
a boat aud come to their comrade'i
rescue. The officers and men leaped
aboard and demanded the reason foi
the trouble. For answer the captaii
pointed grimly to tho hatches, out ol
which the rod pepper was still rising
"They upset a box of red pepper
that's all," said he.
The oilioer who had commanded the
first boat began talking rapidly in
Spanish to the newcomer. As he
talked the face of the other was grad
ually overspread with a grin that ended
in a derisive laugu. xue capiaiii,
who was watching the speakers close
ly, remarked, dryly:
"The officer wasn't satisfied with
our manifest, and he has been looking
over the cargo. Perhaps you would
like to complete his task."
"No, thank you," said the other;
still laughing. "I will let the lieuten
ant do that," and, ordering his men
into the boat, he was rowed swiftlj
baok to the cruiser.
The "lieutenant," however, wat
more than satisfied, and hastened tc
follow the example set by his superioi
officer. As his half-blinded met
rowed away, the captain called out tc
them:
"I say, Lieutenant, there are thirty
five more cases of pepper in the hold
that I'd be pleased to have you ex
amine."
It was quite evident, however, thai
it was not the lieutenant's pleasure.
As the schooner's sails filled and
she wore away the mate came up tc
George and asked:
"How did the monkey happen to
jump down in the hold, George?"
"I threw a lump of sugar down
there. I thought perhaps he mighl
upset the pepper or frighten the men
so. that it would get knocked ovei
some way. Hello! there he is up h
the cross-trees." Mr. Menendet
shook hands with him with a pleas
auter expression ou his face thai
George thought it possible for him tc
wear. He was very much embar
rassed at all this demonstration, bu
the proudest moment of all was whei
the captain took him by the baud aud
said, in his gruff Yankee way:
"You .done well, Georgo, an'
reckon wo can find a berth aboard thii
schooner for you. Twonld be I
shame to make a surveyor out ol
you."
And this was a great deal for the
captain to say.
Next night the cargo of the Happj
Thought was successfully landed, and
George was presented with a hand
some gold watch and chain by Mr
Meneudezi who proved to be an agent
of the Cuban Junta.
But George put a higher value upoi
the captain's few words of praise.
New York Ledger.
Our Flat- at Cavlte.
Ohio claims tho honor of being the
birthplace of the first American t
hoist a flag over a captured fort in thi
Old World.
On Tuesday, May 3, Lieutenant
Williams landed with his command o:
marines from the Bultiniore and postec
sentries around the captured navy
yard, which was the first act of pos
session. At four p. m. he hoisted tht
first American flag over Cavite. Ser
geaut James Grant aud Corpora
Joseph Poe hauled tho flag up. O:
this glorious event for all Amcrice
our young lieutenant modestly bu'
tenderly writes:
"As I stood in front of my little
guard of marines and watched tht
colors fly out to the breozo from tht
same staff that a few days before hac
borne the flng of Spain, now humblec
by our little fleet, my feelings were o:
wonder how it had all happened, and
of pride thut I was the one to hoisi
the first flag. It was the happiest
moment of my life, and I couldu'i
keep the tears bnck." And neithei
could the friends who got this message
from tho other sido of tho world.
Cincinnati Commercial Tribune.
Nowapapera In the Itrltl.h Mii.clim.
In the British Museum there are
10,000 volumes of London newspa
pers. There are 47,000 volumes ot
provincial newspapers from England
aud Wales, and about 0000 volumes ol
Scotch uewspnpers, with sutucthiuc,
slightly lesB for Ireland. Last year'e
accessions were GOO volumes of Lou
dou newspapers, 920 volumes of pro
piucial papers from England and
Wales, 127 volumes from Scotland,
and something less from Ireland.
No Servant l'rolilein Here.
A servant girl on a farm near Cam
brai, iu Northern France, has lived
seventy-two years with the same fam
ily. She is now eighty-four years old,
and still attends to her work.
$1.00 PER ANNUM.
TILE MEKRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS, j
Wlnriom So Near. Yet So Far Must Have
Practice Hut Not Included llonr.ty
Kewartleil Her Way Not III Way
Up to the Mark Ilia Method, Etc., Etc.
When Willie in the reglmeut
Went out to meet the foe,
Ills sweetheart stood, with face Inteut
And pale, to sco lilm go.
Though sank hor heart within bur breast,
Hhe did not dure to cry;
She'd heard In wartime It was best
To keep your powder dry.
Indianapolis Journal.
So Near, Yet So Far.
Professor "Name the two parts of
the brain."
Pupil "I've got 'em in my head,
but I can't just think of 'em."
Must Have Practice.
"Jimmy, you must not talk when
older people are talking."
"Well, I s'pose you want me to
grow up dumb." Chicago ltecord.
Her War Not His Way.
Wife (enthusiastically) "How
much do you think we took in at the
bazaar?"
Husband (quietly). "How many,
do you mean."
But Not Included.
"Have you ever attended a conver
sazione?" "Yes: the dry goods clerks have
them while I am tryiug to get waited
on." Cleveland Leader.
The Proper Authority.
"My husband insists upon riding a
hobby," announced the anxious wife
to the cross-grained family physician.
"What can we do about it?"
"Better consult a horse doctor."
Detroit Free Press.
What She Was.
Mrs. Hunt "You surprise met I
didn't know that Miss Flash wai a
college graduate."
Mrs. Blunt "You didn't? Why,
she's one of the aluminum of Vassar
College." Richmond Dispatch.
Honesty Itewarded.
She "I inado that cake all myself,
dearie?"
He "Come to my arms, my uoblo
girl! I would rather cat a hundred
cakes like that thau have yuu tell au
untruth. " Indianapolis Journal.
Ills Method.
Lady Visitor in Camp "And how
did you win your shoulder straps,
colonel?"
Handsome Officer "By exercising
wise judgment and cool daring in
picking out my father." Cleveland
Leader.
That Hoy.
"I hate to bother you, Pa," said the
small boy home fur tho holidays,
"but really I'd liko to know "
"Well, what?"
"How is it that baby fish ilon't got
drowned before they've learned to
swim?"
I'pto tho Mark.
Bramble "So that's your sou?
Well, he looks as if he might do you
credit, some day."
Fowler "He's doing my credit
now doing it to the Queen's tasto
every time he drops into any place
where they know mo. Chicago
News.
Self Valuation.
"It must take a great deal of egotism
to make men talk about themselves as
they do," remarked Miss Cayenne.
"Sometimos it's a sort of modesty,"
replied Willie Wishington. "They
realize tho danger of being overlooked
unless they make a great deal of noise."
Washington Star.
Morltld.
Watts "It scemsto me that Briggs
carries his patriotism to too fine a
point."
Potts "Briggs? What is the mat
ter with him?"
"Ho says that his voice is too bad
for him to insult any national airs by
trying to sing them." Indianapolis
Journal.
A Phlegmatic Suitor.
Thilander Gordon (of Boston)
"Whom shall I ask for your hand,
darling?"
Amelia Pigiron (of the West) "Me
paw."
P. O. "Oh, well, you can call it
your paw if you wish, but I .still think
that hand is the hotter word." Pitts
burg Chronicle-Telegraph.
Suspicion.
"I really bolieve," said Mr. Meek
ton, "that I would like to be a chef.".
His wife dropped hcrknifeand fork
and frowned.
"Leonidas," she cxclaimod.severely,
"I believe you have beon reading some
of those Billy paragraphs about the
way cooks browbeat the woman of the
house." Washington Star.
In After Hays.
"Did you ever," askod the young
husband, "have your wife look you in
tho eyes when you came home aud ask
you if you had not forgotten some
thing?" "Many a time, mo boy," answered
the old married man. "She docs yet.
In the eurly days it used to mean a
kiss; now it is usually a reference to
wiping my shoes." Boston Traveler.
Front IlilTerrnt Points of View.
Bess "Oh, dear! I suppose I'm iu
for another mouth of bud luck."
Nell "Why, Bess, what makes you
think so?"
Boss "I saw tho new moon over
my left shoulder last night."
Nell "That'B too bad. Now I had
the good luck to see it over Jack's
right shoulder, aud, say, isn't my en
gagement riug a beauty?" Chicago
News. ' . .
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Leeal advertisements ten cent per line
recti insertion.
Marriage! and deitb notices gratis.
All bills ;ory-ar.y advertise n-nu cl'ected
quarterly Temp .riry adveruacineuu niuat
be paid in advanca,
Job work cash on rtel!ver.
BALLAD OF THE PHILIPPINES.
Sweet Laura now the cypress twines
And fur her heart must roam.
For rhlllp's in the Philippines,
And rhllip pines tor Home.
A lovely maiden all forlorn.
No toy her sorrow clieclts;
Each night she sighs till Dewey morn
Hhlnes on the Dewey necks.
And Philip sighs from dark to dawn, v
Ity sad misfortune schooled;
Anil writes eight saffron pages on
Manila wrapping (ruled).
"Come back," she cries, "where love re
clines Far o'er the ocean's foam!"
And Philip's in the Philippines,
And Philip pines for home!
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
When a man gets up iu the morn
ing, he grumbles if breakfast is not
ready; but if he goes fishing, he can
wait all day for a bite.
"The bed of this river is perfectly
dry, isn't it?" "Of course; you see
it's so hot it can't bear even a sheet of
water." Richmond Dispatch.
She "Don't you think it is danger
ous to eat mushrooms?" He "Not a
bit of danger in it. The danger is in
eating toadstools." Chicago News.
"Sometimes some of the fair sex ad
mits that she is a new woman."
"Was there one ever found who ad
mitted that she was au old one?"
Princeton Tiger.
He "If you will marry me I will
make it my duty to anticipate your -every
wish." She "But are you sure
that your anticipations would be real
ized?" Brooklyn Life.
An editor wrote at considerable
length upon "The Future of Hog
Raising," and a rival editor advised
him not to be so anxious regarding
his descendants. Tid-Bits.
"Paw, can you see farther with a
telescope than with the naked eye?"
"Of course you can, Johnny." "How
can that be, when it brings every
thing nearer?" Chicago Tribune.
Tommy "Paw, what is 'woman's
intuition?'" Mr. Figg "It is that
quality of her mind which enables her
to say, 'Well, I don't care; it ought to
be so, anyhow.'" Indianapolis Jour
nal. "Johnny, I see yon have taken
more cake thau I said you might
have." "Yes, mother. I mado bo
lieve that there was auother little boy
spending the day with me." Tid
BitB. Permanent Position. Farren
"How are you makiug it, old fellow?"
Kooler "First rate. I have the
promise of a ten-year job. I'm to
help got out the next census." Chi
cago Tribune.
"Call a messenger boy, quick!"
shouted the hustling business man.
"No, sir!" replied the conscientious
office boy. "I must decline to do it,
for I have never told a lie." Phila
delphia Record.
"What is your idea of a clever
woman a woman who can see the''
point of a joke?" "No; my idea of a
clevor woman is ouo who can laugh at
a joko without seeing the point."
Chicago Record.
Mrs. Peck "Yes, I was tongue
tied when I was a child, and had to
undergo an operation iu order to be
cured." Mr. Peck (sotto voice)
"Gee, I wish I could meet the doctor
that did it!" Chicago News.
Sunday-school Teocher "What is
the lossou we are to draw from this
war with Spain?" Littlo Willie
Wicklemeyer "They aiu't uo lesson
in it fer us. We'ro teachiu' Spoia a
lesson. Cloveland Leader.
Tho Snake Charmer "The armless
wondor was robbed ou his way home
last night. " The Sword Swallower
"Of what, pray?" The Snake
Charmer "Of his reputation, I guess.
The robbers made him hold up his
hands."
"Puffins answered an advertise
ment in which somebody offered to
sell him the secret for preventing
trousers from gutting fringes around
the bottom. "What did thoy tell
him?" "To weur knickerbockers."
Tit-Bits.
The Owner (iudigunntly) "Bless
my soul! They elon't smash trunks
liko that iu England, doucherkuowl"
The "Porter (coinplucently) "Don't
they, sir? We can give 'era points
about doiu' lots of thiugs, can't we,
sir?" Puck.
Bobby "Pop, docs 'missive' meau
a letter?" Fond Parent "Yes, Bob
by." Bobby "Aud does 'sub' meau
under?" Fond Paront "Right, Bob
by." Bobby "Then 'submissive'
must mean a postscript, mustn't it?"
Harlem Life.
Clergyman "My child, beware of
picking a toadstool instead of a mush
room. They are easy to confuse."
Child "That bo ull roight, stir, that
be! Us hain't a-goiu' to eat 'em our
selves they're a-goiu' to market to be
sold. "-Tit-Bits.
"I'm very careful not to let my little
Ann Augusta know nutbiug about the
present conflict." "Are you afraid ef
its effect upon your norves?V "No.
But the time may como when she will
find it to her advantage not to reniem
hor the war." Clcvclaud l'laiu
Dealor.
Bobby "Mother, how old shall I
have to be before I can be a Spanish
pirate a-taking captives aud a scuttling
ships?" Mother "Yuu can begiu
right away. Just take that scuttle and
Bail downstairs and pirate some coals
from the first llaor's bin!" Ally
Sloper.
An angry small boy was pcltiug
stones ut a noisy dog, when a venera
ble passerby stopped aud addressed
him. "Little boy," the stranger re
monstrated, "don't you know you
should be kind to dumb ntiitualM?'
"Yes," replied the angry boy, "but
what's dumb animals got to do wi'
yelping dogs?" Clevehmd r.a'-i
Dealer.
I