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VOL. XXX. NO. 39. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY. JAN. 12, 1898. S1.00 PER ANNUM
The. whaling industry, which is do
'dining fast enough naturally, has re
' ceived another hard Mow by the
many fatalities which have happened
to the whips of the fleet this year in
Arctio waters.
-.1 . . - 1 Li
In the old colonial times thcro were
only seventy-five postoffices in
America. Ten years later there were
000 offices; in 1880, 42,000; in 1883,
67,000, and to-day about seventy
thousand have regular postmasters,
receive and deliver mail matter and
employ 2,000,000 employes, men and
women.
One. thing which both surprises and
exasperates the British troops who are
operating in India ia the discovery
that the hostile tribesmen are thor
oughly armed with modern rifles of
; English maitufacturo. It appears that
the English gunmakers are so eager
for business that they have been ready
tp supply arms to the eneinios of their
iwn Government.
Dr. Edward Everett Halo is having
a rather unpleasant time of it these
days owing to a ridiculous report Bent
cvut from Boston to the effect that he
advocated tho study of the Indian
language, in the schools. The doctor
writes that all he askod of the public
school was that New England boys
should "know tho meaning of the
words Massachusetts, Connecticut,
Bbawmut.Winuisiiuet and other words
which eome into their local life as one
ought to know why the Tnileries were
so called if ho lived in Paris." Tho
doctor also denies that ho repeated tho
Lord's, prayer in Indiau. Ho used
the two first words of the prayer to il
lustrate the formation of Indiau words,
and adds: "In fact, the two first
words of" it are all that I know, ex
cept the amen at tho end." By the
time Dr. Halo's little talk had filtered
through several sources until it
reached the newspapers it had becomo
a lecture in which the most extraordi
nary position was taken, which sur
prised his admirers everywhere.
Contrary to the popular opinio
one wonld make money by backing
labor all tho year around, maintains
tho New York Press. The following
Dgirres, furnished by the Board of
Trade of England, give pro f of this
They relate to the year ending August
31, aud may, therefore, be trusted to
show the actual and present relations
of tho two great parties. Duriug the
twelve months a total of 850 disputes
were settled. Iu 858 the men carried
ihe day; in 2G3 the masters wcro vic
torious, aud in 194 the men were par
tially successful, which means that
some sort of compromise was arranged,
while thirty-three disputes are classed
as indefinite. Of tho tot.il of 821,803
men whoso wages were iuoreosed or
diminished, only 55,20'J had embarked
on actual strikes, while in ths easo of
760,500 the chauge arose from the
automatic working of sliding scales,
together with negotiation, tho action
of conciliation boards and the volun
tary couoessiou of employer.. Put
ting it in the form of a percentage, wo
have in the case of each 100 workers
85) receiving nv advanoa and 14 suf
fering a decrease.
The Boston Herald observes: "The
law that ha been passed in Switzer
land rendering compulsory iusnr.v.ico
against illness oil tho part of all tho
citizens of the republio who cannot
show that they hove reserved uica-js
of support iu case of physical or men
tal disability is only a symptom of the
tendency all over the world toward
seouriug social well-being by meaus of
legal enactments. As the State is
called upon iu the last resort to care
for those who are both physically and
financially incapable of supporting
themselves, the State has the right to
demand that those who may at any
time become bur Jens upou the public
shall iu the days of their strength,
health, and activity Bupply themselves
with the means of meeting the ills of
life. It is presumable that the State
itself might undertake to carry on au
insutanoe business of this kind and
exact its premiums iu the form of a
tax. It could doubtless do tho busi
ness on a large scale at a much lower
cost thau if the same service was per
formed b one or more corporations.
Another form of insurance of the social
kind is that provided for iu New Zea
land, this coining out of the annual
taxes. Under the New Zealand sys
tem every one over sixty-five years of
age who has lived twenty years in the
couutry is entitled to draw a pension.
The maximum auiouut is fixed at 2.50
a week, und the minimum amount at
$1.25. This is not a large sum, but
on au average paymout of, say, $100 a
year, there are a great inuuy poor men
and poor women of over sixty-five
years of age who would find life much
easier as the result of this ofticiul con
tribution. "
DIDE YOUR
Wh.n fortune treats you slightingly
And everything got- wrong.
Itemembcr that you still are freo
To Inlmr ami lie strong.
To him who bravely does bis part.
Misfortune Ik no crime;
Just bold your grip nnd keep up licnrt
Aud lonrn to tilde your time.
The surest road to greatness lips
Tbrough bsrd and patient work.
The glorious name thnt never dies
Coinos not unto tho shirk.
Fnme sits upon an emlneuco,
A plnnaelo sublime;
lie who would win must seek lierthcnco,
Btrlvo on nud bldo his time.
1 A Story of Great South Bay. k
APTAIN LEVI
Skullcarp sat on
the gunwale of the
Miriam, leaning
forward so that his
elbows rested on
his knees. With
both hands he
grasped the' short
Btem of his cherry
pipe and his oue
eye gazed seaward
across the smoking
bowl. The tiller
creaked idly to and
fro and the sail
flapped listlessly in the light breeze,
that scarcely milled tho surface of the
bay.
'Te know that young Mr. Archer
that's day in' at the hotel?" The
Captain shifted his one eye inquir
ingly iu my direction.
I raised my hand iu warning and
whispered: "Hah!"
The Captain acceded to my request
iu silence, and a moment later another
11 no fish joined its fellows that were
flopping about a box iu the cockpit.
A faint splash and the treacherous bait
was scurrying away in search of new
victims.
"Now, Captain, what were you re
maiking?" I asked, glancing up from
the water.
"I was about to remark that it was
right off here that mean' that senty
meutal Mr. Archer was one day last
week wheu ho says to me. 'Cap'n,' he
says, Mo you s'pose a man could com
mit soocide here?' He was lookin'
mighty ineltiaicholy au' "
"Do you mean the quiet young man
with a black beard, who has the second
table from mine at the hotel, Skull
carp?" I interrupted.
The Captain 'lowed that ho had
never eaten at tho hotel aud conse
quently could not locate Mr. Archer
at his dinner, but he admitted that
the sentimental young man did
have a short, black beard, nsuolly car
ried a pipe aud pouch of tobacco iu
tho starboard pocket, and a few books
and magazines in the one to port.
Having completed the identification, I
was not surprised at the suggestion of
suicide, for my attention had been at
tracted to Archer by his avoidauce of
all companionship aud his distraught
air. In fact, I had last seen him sit
ting alone in a quiet nook on the hotel
verandu, striking match after match
in an attempt to light an empty pipe,
and accompanying each failure with
violent language, softly spokou. I
mentioned this to Levi Skullcarp.
"Soocide was the word he used,"
my skipper said when he had stoked
his pipe, as he called the operation,
for the Captain was fond of using
what he deemed nautical expressions,
though he had never ventured to poke
his nose ten miles off shore. It was
a failing of Levi to talk a great deal
about the deep sea, and at times he
even dropped mysterious hints that he
had circled the globe as commander of
a trim-clipper, though in common
with the other Great South Bay cap
tains he derived his title from the
ownership of a small catboat and the
six aluminum buttons that adorned
Lis patched coat.
" 'You might oommit soocide here,
Mr. Archer,' I soys," continued he,
" 'providin' you dove over head first
an' then doubled up, or else walked
two miles out t' the channel.'
"He looks at me kind o' solemn,
then sighed and went on crabbiu'.
The day was jist like this here, only
there was a dead ca'in, on' over yau
der toward Fire Islun' the clouds was
begiuuiu' to rise. I mention Ithem
clouds because I was a-hopin' they'd
bring! a breeze with 'em, for I was
tired floppiu' 'round in the sun while
he lay there on the gunwale, some
times readiu', sometimes crabbin', an'
most o' the time jist watchin' the
water. That kind o' thing's all right
fer a mau that never done uothiu' au'
don't have to, but fer a feller like me
ess has beeu used to sailin' thoo life in
a twenty-knot breeze, topsails up, an'
very inch of canvas set, studdiusails
included, to have t' flop 'roun' in two
feet of water like a steam dredge, with
tho sun blisterin' me paiut why, sir,
it's hard to bear."
Levi was shaking his pipe vigorous
ly, aud I deemed it wise to assuage his
auger by exclaiming with au ominous
wag of tue head: "Oh, you old Jbar
nuclei"
This had a soothing effect on the
Captain, for in a milder tone he con
tinued: "We'd been that way 'bout
four hour wheu I seen another boat
edgiu' down our way. Her suit was
hangiu' like clothes on a line, but she
was a leetle furder out au' caught the
tide. A man was sittiu' iu the stern
au 'a lady on -the gunwale. Mr.
ill
TIME.
Th" man of hope and energy.
Who keeps one goal In slgut.
Who goes his way with constanc;-.
Will some time win Mm light.
Tho man whose life a glory bondj
To every age and clime.,
Is he whose purpose never bends,
Who works and bids his time.
Oo onward. O'er the future's hills,
Tho dawn fnils pool and sweet.
Oo onward. He can win who will:)
And bows not to defeat.
Oo onward, though your path may Hi
Through calumny and slime.
The way will brighten byo nnd bye;
Ho on and bldo your time.
And when the fight at last Is o'er,
The toll at last Is done;
When stauding on Use's farther shore,
Menenth her setting sun;
Beyond tho future's unbnrred gato,
The bells of heaven chime;
And justice, love nnd glory wait
Fur him who bides bis time.
J. A. Edgerton, in Atlanta Constitution.
Archer he soen 'em, too, an' watched
fer a long time. Then he turns to me
an' says, 'Cap'n, the glows.'
"That's just what he colled it, the
glaws.
" 'A trim little craft, Cap'n,' says
he. To do 'im credit he knows a good
boat.
" 'I don't like tho lines o' her body,
sir,' I wenturoB.
"At that he kiud o'- smiles an' says:
'I means the lady.'
"He was right, there, too, fer a
trim enough craft she looked, with
her white duck suit an' sailor hat,
though I couldn't sec her faee. I was
just giltin' me eye fixed on that part
o' her hnll wheu Mr. Archer jumps
up, mn for'a'd to the mast an' stood
thero like he was sightin' land after
a month adrift on a raft.
" 'Cup'n, kin you run a leetlo
nearer that oraft? I know her,' ho
calls.
"'In this win'?' I asks.
" 'Pole,' he yells.
" 'I oould polo,' I says, 'hod I a
pole, but I hoin t.
"He give a long groaud an' set
down on top o the cabin yander an
kep' pippin his eye throo tho glass at
the other boat that was footiu' around
'bout a mile off our bow.
"By an' by, he says, 'Cap'n, there's
a breeze comm .
" 'I've beeu watchin' it, sir,' says I,
an' I tips with mo anchor an' sail.
"It caught the other feller first,
an' of o sudden her canvas tilled au'
she begiu to cut throo the water on a
beat up the bay. I hnd the tiller
ready, an' it warn't a minute till we
was uiovin , too. It was slow at first,
but we soon had to reef, an' went
tenrin throo the water to beat a steam
la'ueh. The clouds had brought a
reg'lur hurricane au' was piliu' up
aloft an' roarin' full o' thunder. You
otter 'a' Been Mr. Archer then. He
tkep' ruunin' from bow to stern an'
back, forever oskiu whether I thought
we was gaiuin . Now, I m proud o
this here Miriam o' mine. I'll back
her agiu anything on the bay but
that there strange boat. Why, that
craft supped throo the water like she
was llleil, We kep np pretty well,
though, an might o caught her if the
rain hadu t come an us lost sight o
em. I wanted to put back, but Mr.
Archer he wouldn't have it, an' kep
runnin' up an' donw, pipin' his eyes
this way an' that way au' usiu' bad
language till it come dark an' the
storm had passed. Theu he th'owed
himself down in the cockpit an' lit his
pipe au says, 'Home, Cap n! That
was all jist 'Home, Cap n.'
I had thrown aside my lines, for
Levi Skullcarp's account of the senti
mental man bad awakened my interest,
and when be had finished his recital I
had turned my back on the water, my
feet were dangling in the cockpit and
my eyes were fixed on the bayinau.
"Didn't be explain why he was so
anxious to see her?" I asked after a
silence of some minutes.
In reply the Captain clambered iato
the cockpit 'and, bracing himself
agaiuat the end of the tiller, fixed the
long glass to his eye. I followed his
gaze to where it rested on a small
white Bail that was moving aross the
bay about a mile away.
"I'll be blowed!" he cried. There
was a pause and then he muttered,
"Small jib, white duck dress, spooney
bow, white hnll, black hair I'm
blowed!
This exclamation was acoompaniod
by a loud rattle as lie closed the glass.
"Itit to win ard, quick! lie yelled.
The boom swuug around, allowing
me just time to dodge it, and before
I had fully recovered from my surprise
we were moving through the water
under the fast freshening breeze.
"Where are you going, Captain?" I
asked in a tone of remonstrance.
He gave the sheet a few turns about
a cleat, tucked the tiller comfortably
under oue leg, filled and lighted his
pipe, aud when the smoke was rising
in great volume from tho bowl and
trailing astern iu clouds that must
have uiude our boat at a distance pre
sent the appearance of a small steam
ship, he exclaimed again: "I'll be
blowed!
Then I arose in my wrath and, sup
porting myself by grasping the center
board and facing the obdurate mariner,
cried: "See here, Captain, I was un
del' the impression I had hired this
craft, aud
"I m goiu fer Mr. Archer; yan's
her," he said iu a firm, solemu tone
that brooked no trifling and forced me
to submission.
Hardly had the Miriam touched the
dock wheu Levi Skullcarp was ashore
and after giving me a hurried admo
nition to be all ready to push off on his
I return, he clambered into a rickety
vehicle and soon disappeared in a
cloud of dust. For some ten minutes
I struggled with the rising wind and
sea that kept incessantly pounding
the boat against the dock. At longth
I was relieved to spy a cloud of dust
rolling down the level stretch of road
that led from the village. Preceding
it was a man on a bicycle. It was
Archer. He reached the dock, sprang
from bis wheel and tossed it against a
post, jumped into .the Miriam, and
without a word to me pushed her
away, seized the tiller and the sheet,
and off we scudded.
"The Captain!" I cried, pointing at
the approaching cloud, iu the centre
of which I knew the redoubtable mar-
iuer to be.
"Ploglte on the Captain," growled
Archer. Then he added, more Boftly:
''Get tp windward, please.
"But there he is now, I expostu
lated:
Archer looked around. Standiug
on tho striugpiece of the wharf, vio
lently waving one baud above his head,
while with tho other he pointed sea
ward, was Levi Skullcarp. The sen
timental man at the catboat's helm
waved a band to imply that he saw the
speck of a sail to which he was point
ing, and turned to the business of
navigation. Away we went in pur
suit.
Wheu the Miriam hod at length set
tled down to work and was with clock
like regularity slickiug her nose into
tho solid green waves, and then saucily
throwing it up in the air agaiu and
sending the water skirting along the
rail or Hying over mo, my new com
panion broke tho silence by appearing
for the first timo to recognize tnat l
was human. m
'Mister-r-r?"
"Kemp," I omiwered, bowing stiff-
'y- . ..
"My name is Archer."
"I think I have seen you about the
hotel."
This must seem a strange proceed
ing to you," ho Boid, laughing. Evi
dently'tho peculiarity had just dawned
on bim.
"Bather," I replied, thawing just
enough to smile.
"And perhaps an explanation is
due," said he.
"Not as long as you can sail, I an
swered.
On that score I confess I felt no un
easiness, for I soon saw that, sturdy
fellow that he was, Archer was
fully competent to handle the boat,
for all the power there was in
the breeze he got out of it, aud
though time and again the Miriam
keeled over till her lee rail was well
awash and my heart was in my mouth,
she always swuug back again without
swerving an inch from her course.
"There is a girl hi that boat that I
am most anxious to see, Mr. Kemp,"
said Archer, after a pause.
"So I should judge, said I.(
"I have spent neorly all my life in
London," he went on. "I should be
there now had I not met her. She
sailed for home about two months ago
and ostensibly by accident but really
by intention I came over on the same
steamahip. By the fourth day out
from Queenstown wep had fixed every
thing up nicely. Theu 1 happened to
remember another engagement sort
of a marriage of convenience and
like a fool I told her. She shut her
self up in her stateroom for the rest of
the voyage and cut me dead at the
pier. I humbly followed her to her
home in San Francisco. She fled
back East. All trace of her was lost
and I came down here to sulk."
"Do you think we'll catch 'em?" I
asked with suddenly awakened inter
est. "Thank you," he replied. This sim
ple acknowledgement of his gratitude
for my own evident sympathy in bis
venture won me completely and I
scrambled to the mast with a reckless
ness that surprised me, that I might
get the bearings of the craft we were
chasing.
"How far off do you make them?"
he called to me.
"About two miles."
"They are beating along the bay,"
he cried, "aud I think if we hold this
course we'll just cross their bow.
The man's judgment was superb, for
fifteen minutes later we were so close
to the other bout that I could seeits
two occupants plainly. One was a
man, a regulation small-boat man, at
tired iu a combination of golf and
yachting clothes. The second was
girl. I felt that were she as interest
ing as she appeared as she sat there
on the windward rail, fearless of dan
ger, her face aglow with the excite
ment of what she evidently realized
was a race. Archer was excusable for
forgetting his other engagement. I
was meditating ou this when my com
pauion, who had been hidden from
nor view by the rail, exclaimed:
"Jove!"
"We're all right," said I. "We'll
catch them and you con go ou board."
"That's just it," ho growled. "I
can't go ou board. Why, she would
cut me dead or toss me over."
As he was best posted as to the
young woman's character, silence on
my part seemed befitting. He did not
speak again until we nud drawn witu
iu hailing distance of the other boat,
when he motioned me to him.
"We'll run right across their bow,"
he whispered. "Don't you mind me,
I can see bottom here. Keep right on
aud they will have to take me in. Now,
look out!"
We swept across the bow of the
other craft, aud by u seemingly clumsy
uiauumvre went about; the boom
swung around aud an instant later
Archer was floundering in the bay. I
grasped the tiller and the Milium
scudded away before the wind. Poor
sailor as I am, had necessity demand
ed it I doubt if I could have navigated
the boat back to where Archer was
flopping about in the water, so it was
au easy uiatter for me to obey his in
junctions aud sail away oblivious to his
cries, which mingled with those of the
girl in the tiny sloop. Only twice
did I look back. The first time was
to see my erstwhile companion being
dragged by main force mto tho other
boat ; the second to see two men and
a girl gesticulating wildly to me to re
turn. But I smiled grimly nud point
ed the Miriam toward home.
On the next day I returned to town,
and I heard no more of the sentimen
tal man util late in November. I
was walking np Thirty-ninth ttreet
oue ofternoou ou my way home from
the office when my attention was at
tracted to a well-appointed brougham
that swerved into the curb close by
me. I heard a voice call, "Kemp!"
It was Archer, and as I took his out
stretched baud he turned to the pretty
young woman who had just emerged
from the carriage and said:
"Kemp, my wife." New York Sun.
WISE WORDS.
Fools rush iu where angels fear to
tread. Pope.
Not education, but character, is
man's greatest safeguard. Spencer.
God has never ceased to bo the one
true aim of all right human aspira
tions. Vinet.
Early to bed and early to rise.
makes a man healthy, wealthy aud
wise. Franklin.
Fire aud sword are bIow engines of
destruction in comparison with tho
babbler. Steele.
Blessiugs ever wait on virtuous
deeds, and though a late, a sure re
ward succeeds. Congreve.
If you wish to be held iu esteem,
you must associate only with those
who are estimable. IJrnyere.
One of the God-like things of this
world is the veneration done to human
worth by llie hearts of men. Carlyle.
There is no dispute managed with
out a passion, andyct there is scarce a
dispute worth a passion. Sherlock.
Tho shortest and surest way to live
with honor in tho world is to be in
reality what we would appear to be.
Socrates.
This is the law of benefits between
men the one ought to forget at once
what he has given, and the other
ought never to forget what he has re
ceived. Seneca.
Wonder, at Weddings.
Wonder if it is going to be a flue
day.
Wonder if I con manage to put in
one more quiet smoke after breakfast.
Wonder if the best man will miss
his train, get married to the bride or
mixed up with the bridesmaids, oner
me a cignrette instead of the ring at
the critical moment, put my hat in the
pulpit or some other inappropriate
place, or what he will be np to.
Wonder why I've got such a tremend
ous appetite at lunch.' I've beeu eating
for three-quarters of an hour, and am
still hungry.
Wonder how much longer it will bo
before her father turns up with her.
I've been acting as general pew-opener
to the congregation for the lost half
hour.
Wonder if my old serge suit is really
too shabby to go away in.
Wonder if we, and the blood rela
tions, and the company generally,
will part frionds after being dragged
into the wedding group to be photo
graphed. Wonder if I've forgotten to invite
any of my third-cousins-twioe-removed,
and how many people will scratch at
the last moment.
Wonder if I have got everything
packed.
Wonder if all the luggage has gone
on first.
Wonder if we shall catch the train
Cincinnati Enquirer.
A leer-IIunt In Town.
An exciting scene took place in
Thorpe, Wis., recently. A. O. llhca
noticed about noon a splendid largo
deer in his pasture, near the high
school. He went to his house, pro
cured his gun, and sent n charge of
shot into the buck. The deer jumped
the fence and ran into the main street.
It bad been so long since a deer has
been seen roumiug about the town that
the people were so tf.ken by surprise
that they forgot all about guns and
stood gazing at the splendid animal as
it ran and turned north ut the Forest
Queen house corner, crossed the rail
road track into a mill-yard, where
Charles Case happened to be practis
ing ut a mark with a rifle. At the
third shot Mr. Case succeeded in hit
ting the doer and killing it. It weighed
when dressed 225pouuds. Milwaukee
Sentinel.
Cut Fond of Hunting.
Dr. II. B. Bee, of Milford, Penn.,
has a cat that has a munia for hunting.
This fact was not kuowu until a few
days ago, when the doctor's sou, How
ard, went out upon a hunting expedi
tion iu the woods near their farm
house. Wheu ho started in the luoruing tho
cat followed, and try as ho might he
could not send it back. Howard had
not proceeded far iu the woods before
the cut ' .lushed" a woodcock. The
hunter said it was a beautiful "point,"
more graceful thuu that Hindu by fio
most accomplished bird dog. Several
other birds were ".lushed" by the
feliue 'pointer, and Howard returned
with two woodcock and a partridge
New York Press.
Aliluiul Wur.liip.
Swino wore adored iu Crete, weas
els at Thebes, rats and inii-e iu Trous,
porcupines iu Persia, tho lapwing iu
New Zealand, bulls iu Beiiaros, ser
pents in Greece and many of tho Af
rican countries. The Hindoos never
molest snakes; they call Ilium fathers,
brothers, friends and other endearing
names. Ou the coast of Guinea a hog
happening to kill a snake, the King
gave orders that all the swiue should
be destroyed.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Til t'llrkrrfng Jt A Criterion Nnrn
C'liangefl Kaslly Fxplnlneri Mny Have
Meant That Flnt Life A Mayer Frnm
Waybaek How Ho Loved Them i:to.
(An old, old story.)
Ons low,
Hrave fair
You know,
Been there.
Koft eyes,
Old'theme
Long sighs
Sweet dream.
YeBrs pass,
Dream's o'er:
Low gas
Onee more.
A yawn,
Homo sighs-.
con .
O in 1 7.0 1
CloveianJ Leader.
A Criterion.
Juno "Is she very homely?"
Jane "Well, she had to learn skat
ing by herself." New York Journal.
Never Changed.
"Advance and give the counter sign!"
"$4.99, reduced from $5."
"Correct! Pass on!" New Y'ork
Journal.
Easily Kxplalned.
"Dr. Bogus is a self-made man."
"I don't understand you."
"He inherited his money from a
wealthy aunt whom he treated."
Puck.
May Have Meant That.
"He told me to get off the earth.
What do you suppose ho meant?"
"Ho seemed to think that you needed
i bath, evidently." Louisville Courier
lournal. How He I.nved Them.
Mrs. Ferry "I never saw a boy so
fond of pets as Bobby is."
Mrs. Wallace "Beolly?"
Mrs. Ferry "Yes; he's worn out a
kitten and two pups in the last two
months." Golden Days.
A Slaver From Wavbork.
"Have you any special rule of con
duct in your office?"
"Yes; when a man comes in and
says he wants to talk to me only throe
minutes I see to it thnt ho doesn't get
a chance to sit down." Detroit Free
Press.
A Sweet Ketlection.
Miss Peachblow "Well, I'm not
am eh of an optimist, but there's one
thing I can always see something good
In."
Miss Chalkplate "What's that?"
Miss Peachblow "A mirror."
New York Journal.
At the Skating ltlnk.
Vau Slidee "Well, I've learned one
hiug about skating this winter, any
how." Miss Graoeleigh "What'B that?"
Van Slide (regaining his feet dazed
ly) "The ice is just as hard this
teason as it was last." New York
fournal.
A Matter of Pride.
Mrs. Greener "Mercy! What are
vou doing? Puttiug a ten-cent stump
an the letter when a two-cent stamp
will carry it?"
Mrs. Pneumony "I know, but it is
well enough to give people to under
stand that we are possessed of ample
means."- Boston Trauscript.
Keinlnlseent.
"That piece," said the young man
who plays the piano by ear, "is a
minor."
"Is it possible!" exclaimed his ac
quaintance. "Couldn't you recognize it?"
"Oh, yes; I recognized it. My im
pression was that it was of ago long
ago."
Anxlou. to l'lease.
"Is there no balm iu Gilead?"
cried the preacher.
The druggist in the front pew moved
uneasily aud rubbed his eyes.
"All out of it, at present," he mur
mured, gently; "but l ean give you
something just as good."
Afterward he slept more peace
fully Puck.
In a Fair Way or Ketllemuiit.
"Well," Baid the Congressman from
Owattamy, "I guess the Indian
problem has been solved at last.
We'll soon be rid of the red men
now."
"How so?" asked one of his con
stituents. "They've taken up football."
Cleveland Leader.
More Hume lUile.
Singerly "What would we do with
out woman! You know the old maxim,
'The hand that rocks tho cradle rules
the world!' "
Wederly "I dou't know about its
ruling the world, but I know the baud
that rocks our cradle rules the house,
and we pay her 84 a week for doing
it." Chicago News.
Delay Wuuld lie 1)uiiktou.
"According to this cablegram they
were murried iu Paris yesterday, " he
said.
"We must send our congratulations
at once," she returned.
"By mail or cable?" be asked.
"From what 1 know of both of
them," she replied, "we ought to send
them by cable if we wish to be sure
that they will be acceptable when they
reach them." Chicago Post.
lMuiuoml.
It is estimated that over eighty tons
of diamonds have beeu uneuithud iu
the South Africuu fields during the
last eighteen yeurs. These represent
a total value of JHO,00(I.OOO.
No more slot machines are to be at
lowed to operate iu Lewistou. Me.
THE LOVE-BRIDGE.
Two liltlo feel npon the stairs,
Two little arms were open wide.
Two little hamls would bar the way
Trying to re-mli from side to side.
With smiling glanees, two browu eyes
Look up to mine in tho softened light,
The sweet child volee In answer tells
Why I must own her playful right.
"THs Is a love-tirldge, papa says.
Ills Is the gato, my arms so wldo,
Div me a kiss as you go through,
I'll dlv It hack ou the other side."
I bend to give my kiss, nnd think
Of the 'love-bridge" neross life's soa,
Where the gate is a father's arms,
Willing M open wldo for me.
When the treasures swept from my sight,
When toss.'d and turned by wind nnd tide.
Have passed tho gate, and he will glvo
Them ba"k to mo tho other sld".
lioston Cilobo.
HUMOR OF THE DAY,
He "Darling, was there over lov
like ours?" She "Well, not in mj
experience, at last." Cincinnati En
quirer.
The man who is entirely absorbed ic
himself is not the only sponge in th
apothecary's shop. Stillwater (Minn.)
Prison Mirror.
She "I suppose youhavo had some
narrow escapes in plnjiug football?"
He "I have had some hairbreadth es
capes." Puck.
Miss Spokes "What shall we have
for our club colors?" Mr. Pedalman
"I guess black aud blue will be all
right. " Judge.
"Do the police suspect anybody ol
the murder?" "Yes." "Whom do
they suspect?" "Oh! they don't
know." lloxbury Gazette.
When we discover the faults of out
friends we aro hoppy; when wo dis
cover tho faults of our frionds without
being happy we lire great. Puck.
"She Bwms to bo lacking iu self
confidence." "She is, shockingly sol
Why, she doesn't beliovo sho can plan
ahoueo bettor than ou architect."
Puck.
"After all your bonsts, Mrs. Dash,
you did not lire off your piHtol at that
burglar?" "How could I? Ho was
standing right in front of my new
etained-glas window." Judge.
Miss Caustic "Don't you think
monkeys nre cute?" Blowdust "No;
they remind me too much of some
people." Miss Caustic "Oh, yon
shouldn't bo bo sensitive." Standard.
"Are you one of the strikers?'1
skod the woman at the door. "Yes,
mum. I'se a pioneer iu the movement.
Btrack thirty years ago, and I'vo
never give iu yet." Loudon House
hold Words.
"What is your idea of fame?"
"Fame? Well, in the finest phase, 1
think it is the incredulous surprise
which a man's home folk oxhibitwheu
lie does anything noteworthy." Do
troit Free Press.
She "Do you remember, Frank,
the night you proposed to me, I buug
aiy head and said nothing?" Ho
"Do I remember? Well, I bIioiiUI
rather say I did! It was the lant time
t bow you act so!"
Hons "Aud what do you thiuk of
the origin of man? Don't you believe
man is descended from tho monkey?''
Elizabeth "Oh, yea, I think man is;
hut what puzzles me is where womau
eome from." Standard.
Biggs "When I was in Chicago
last August, I went skatiuu; ou the
Chicago iliver." Bo:,'jjk "1'ou don'l
mean to say the river was frozen ovei
at that time'.''' Bigs "Oh, no. We
used roller skates." Life.
Tommy "Mother, what is au
angel?" ' Mother "An augel is a bo
ing that flies." Tommy "But, mam
ma, papa calls my governess an angel.'
Mother "Then, my iiear, she is go
ing to fly immediately." Standard.
Mr. Blinks "Tho romance of Mo
Bride's honeymoon lingers idill, al
though ho has beeu married live year."
Mrs. Jinks "How do you know?"
Mr. Blinks "Ho jokes with his wif
about her millinery bills." Tid-Dits.
"Has your Shake-spearo Society
started iu yet, Miss Jones?" "Yes,
Wo mot at Mrs. Wiggles's yesterday.
Miss Matilda Bobiuson read a most
delightful paper oil tho 'Influence o)
Rosalind ou Dress Reform.' "Har
per's Bazar.
"I won't submit to being turned
away," said tho disappointed arrival
at the hotel. "Seo hero, I'm flush,'
Aud he displayed a roll of bills. "1
know," responded tho clerk; "but
I've got a full house." Fhiludelphii!
North American.
Huustou "I'd like to go shooting
to-morrow, if I could only get a dog
that was well trained." Ethol "Oh,
I'll let you take Dottio, then? Sh
can stand on her head, uud shake
hands, and play dead, aud soy bet
prayers, aud do lots of things!"
Puck.
First Thespian "When I was play
ing Hamlet iu Oinahu uud getting Uij
fifty a night, I " Second Thespiai
"Hold ou thero. Jaekl make tha'
five." First Thespiuu "No, Tom,
'pou me honor, fifty a night regular.
Eggs ure cheap out there." llarpci'e
Weekly.
Mr. Wood ware "That young fel
low you have iu your office is the most
conceited puppy I ever ran across."
Mr. (Jueausware "Ye, I know; but
you must remember ho is jouug yet,
uud his charucter is not fully formed.
He has never been tried by lire." Mr.
Woodwaie "Then you'd better tire
him." New York Weekly.
It Vu a Klollilil.tt 'i'licii.
It is fifty years siuei! the sensational
discoveries of gold in California. There
ij a plan on foot to celebrate the anni
versary. Fifty ycari ago, ueeordiu;?
to tho geographies of that time, Cali
fornia was a damp, fo;;?y, miasmatic
wilderness, in w hich Iudiaus, ferocious
wild auiuiuls und fevers In set iho ad
venturer. . Jt is to-day ono of tho
greatest and ri.-he.st States of tho
I'niou.--Kuvauuuh News.