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VOL. XXX. NO. 31. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOV. 17, 181)7. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
F
Repub
RE
V
V"
One hundred nnd twenty-eight min.
tsters of the Presbyterian Church died
Inst yonr. The average age was Bixty
six years.
All reports from sections of the coun
try where peauuts grow indicate that
the crop will be short and the quality
inferior this year on account of the
drought.
The horses of German cavalry regi
ments are to be entirely shod with
paper bIiocs, recent experiments as to
their durability aud lightness having
proved very satisfactory.
A Goruiau paper calls attention to
the extraordinary fast that at Aachen
alone 800 tons of steel wire are used
up annually in the manufacture of
ueodlos 4,50niDi10,000 in number
valued at $1,51X)00.
A pretty New York deaf and dumb
girl has sued a deaf and dumb man
. for $50,000 for breach of promise.
The young man's father is a million
aire The chief wituc3s is -also deaf
and dumb. Love, too, is deaf, dumb
and blind, but money talks.'
Says the St. Louis Globe-Democrat:
"Tho Treasury Department estimates
4&tit the population of the United
States is increasing 2,000,000 a year.
That is fast enough withont admitting
groat numbers of illiterates from oouu
. tries With which we have nothing in
common."
. The fast that tho Japanese are a live
poople, if somewhat conceited over the
amount of belated progress thoy have
realized, is shown by the fact that the
Japaneso Government now issues
every day three woathor charts, which
includo observations in China and the
Liu-ICiu Islands.
Massachusetts has expended $700,
000 fighting the gipsy-moth, and it
will require 8100,000. annually for
several years more to exterminate
this destructive insect. If the work
is successful, as it now promises to
be, the money will be well iuvestod,
for the gipsy-moth devours everything
green that grows, and is capable of
doing incalculable damage.
v. -United States Consul Charles
Denby, at Fckin, gives the substauco
of a representation recently made by
Mr. Brennan, British Consul on Trade
in China. Brenuan states that the
currency of China is copper much
more than silver, nnd that the rela
tive value of gold aud copper is an
important factor in the consideration
of trade probloms. It is undoubt
edly true, says Brenuan, that the or
dinary business of China is done iu
copper cash, aud he incloses a trans
lation of an imperial decree, iu which
it is shown that tho prioe of copper
cash has been enhanced over twenty
per cent, at tho same time that pricos
for ordinary articles of consumption
are materially increased.
The reoent loss of three lives by
the drifting1 of a disabled sailboat
over the falls of Niagara has led to
the suggestion that a safety cable be
stretched across the Niagara River
at a point just above the hearr of f oat
Island. The schemo seems toss a
wholly humane and practicable one,
but as the co-operation of tho Govern
ments of tho United States aud Can
ada will have to be securod to lay the
m life-guard, it is probable that it will
not play the part marked out for it
for some time to come. But no pre
caution should bo spared to protect
unwary or unskillful voyagers in the
Upper Niagara from the fateful ter
rors of a plunge into the rapids aud
the cataract.
The marvelous success of the Eng
lish in keeping 300,000,000 East In
dians iu subjection with a handful of
men is explained, believes the Sun
Fraucisco Chrouicle, by the fact that
the example set by the French has
been consistently followed. When
Fronuhmen were operating in India
they speedily discovered that there
was no such thing as national feeling,
aud they took advantage of the discovery
to hire natives to subjugate other na
tives. It appears, however, that this
polk' has not been bo successful iu
tho hill country, where the natives are
now iu opiu rebellion. But Sir Wil
liam Lockhurt has becu given a free
hand since the outbreak, and we are
informed that as he is not to be bound
by red-tape regulations he will proba
bly bring the recalcitrauts to terms in
a short time. Just what this mcuus it
would be hard to tell, but if Sir Wil
liam Lockhart follows the example of
some of his predecessors iu India, who
were also uurestraiued by red tape,
the concluding years of the century
may be marked by brutalities which
the jubilee writers told us were thing
of the past.
I
WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.
He looked at my tongue and be shook his
head
Tills was Doctor Smart
Ho thnmpp il on my chest and then he snld:
"All, thorn II in! Your heart!
You mustn't run- yon mustn't hurry!
You mustn't work- you mustn't worry)
Just sit down nnd ts.ke It cool;
You may live for years, I ci,nnot say;
But. In the mnnntlmo, make it a rule
To take this medlelno twljo a duyl"
He looked at my tongue Aud he shook bis
was Doctor Wise
"Your liver's a tolnl wreck." he sold,
"You must take more exorelsel
You mustn't eat sweets,
You mustn't ent incuts,
You must walk nud l"ti, you must also run;
You mustn't sit dowu In tho dull old way;
Get out witli the boys an I hnvo some tun
And tnko thr.'e doses ot this a day!"
A Voyage Across the World, k
Uy IS. C.
ERY comfortable
looking poverty, I
must say, Georgie,"
said Geoffrey Martin,
looking around the
little room approving
ly. Certainly the
dainty furniture and
haugings and the blazing fire were
worthy of approval.
"I quite agree with you, Geoff," an
swered Georgie from her low chair,
where she sot with her slippered feot
on the fender. "At first we found
several drawbacks, but now that we
have got used to making our own beds
and cooking our own dinners we rather
enjoy life than not. Of course there
are heaps of thing that we miss, and
it was pleasauter to have servants to
wait upon us thau have a woman iu
every morning to 'do up' the rooms;
but we are too busy to have leisure to
pine. I teach the young ladies of the
town to play the piano, aud to speak
their notivo tongno with accuracy; and
Josie is daily companion to an elderly
lady hours from ten to eight, aud a
holiday ou Suuday. We rather like
it,"
"But Anna would not bend her
shoulders to the yoke!"
"No; Auua thought poverty iu Eng
land very objoetiouable. So she wrote
to James that she had changed her
mind about going out to bo married,
aud should sail for Melbourne in the
next steamer. Wo wanted hor to wait
for an answer from him, but sho had
a more perfect failh iu him thau we
had, I suppose; any way, she is gone."
"Have you heard of her arrival
yet?"
"Yes, and no.lfcWe have hoard that
the Petrel arrived safely, but we could
hardly have a letter from her till this
week. It is just about three months
since she sailed."
"Let us hope that her letter will not
bring the announcement of her mar
riage to somebody else upon the voy
age. It would be too bad if she
broke poor old Jamie's heart, and
those things do happen."
"So do Buowflalies in May. No, I
am not going to waste much anticipa
tory sympathy over Jamie's heart. I
am auxious to hear from Anna though,
aud so is Josio. That young woman
is late to-night, and I am dying to see
her surprise when she finds you here."
"She is duo, is she?" said Geoffrey,
walking to the window and pulling
aside the blind that he might look out
on the garden path, dimly lighted by
the gas lumps ou the road. "Does Bhe
walk or drive? There is a cab now
coming along."
"Walk, of course! We cauuot afford
carriages!"
"The cub is coming here, neverthe
less. Stops at tho gate somebody
gets out; it is Josie, or Anna!"
"Nonsense!" exclaimed Georgie,
starting up iu such haste that her chair
went oue wuy aud the lire-irons
another. "Oh, Geoff", what is it? I
am sosglad you are here!"
"I am glad you are glad," he re
turned gviiuly.' "There, you see, if it
is not Anna 1 am a Dutchman."
"And if it is Auua it is her heart
that is broken and not Jem's," cried
Georgie, rushing from the window to
the front door "Oh, my poor, poor
dear!" she went on as she Hung it open
and caught the new coiner in her arms.
"What is it all, und how came you to
be bajk agaiu?"
"I am bo tired, Georgie! I cannot
talk," answered Anna wearily. "All
my luggage is out there. "
"Geoff shall see to that. Come right
in, darling. You shall rest and tell us
all the tale to-morrow."
Best was just what the wayfarer
wauted. She drank her hot cup of
tea, aud took her soup iu Georgie's
lutely vacant chair aud was after that
only too thankfully led uway to bed.
Her sister uudressed her and settled
her with all the love and tenderness
amougst the pillows without permit
ting a word of explanation, and then
rau down aguiu to Geoff and Josie.
"I call this a horrid surprise!" she
said. "I always did hate surprises;
they are no better thau practical jokes.
What do yon think of Jamie now?"
"Perhaps the poor fellow is dead,"
suggested Geoffrey.
"Not he; naught never comes to
harm," said Josie spitefully. "The
best I can.hope for him is that he is
ruiued. "
"Well, heaven be thanked that
whatever has come to him we huve
Anna back safe. She looks horribly
ill. Geoff, you will come iu to-morrow
to heur nil there is to hear about
it?" For Geoff was evidently reudy to
depart.
"I shull be in first thing, of course.
I would stop if I might, but it won't
do to scandalize your pupils. If there
is anything t be done you will fetch
uie directlv?"
Ho looked at my tongue and he shook his
boad -This
was Doctor Bright
"I'm afraid your lungs are gone," he said,
"And your kidney Isn't right.
A change of scene is what you need,
Your Cttso is desperate. Indeed,
And bread is a thing you mustn't eat
Too much stareh imt, by the way,
Yon must henceforth live on only meat
Ami take six doses of this a day!"
Terhaps they were right, and perhaps they
knew,
It Isn't for me to say;
Miiybnp I erred when I madly threw
Their hitter stulT away;
Dut I'm living yet, and I'm on my feet,
And grass Isn't all that I dare to eat;
And I walk and I run and I worry, too;
But, to Bave my life I cannot Bee
What some of the able doctors would do
If there wore no fools like you and me.
a. E. Klser, la Cleveland Loader.
K1TTON.
"I am so glad you are here!" Baid
Georgie again.
Poor Anna! her tale was told in few
words, but those few words contained
a volume of Borrow. Her outward
voyage had been prosperous and ex
ceedingly pleasant. She was leaving
poverty behind her, and was about to
meet the man to whom hor whole heart
was given, and who had, as she knew,
made a comfortable living for himself;
she was strong and well and light
hearted, aud all on board the vessel
conspired to court and flatter her. She
might have chosen a husband from
amongst half a dozen men, but it was
Juniie she wanted and Jamie to whom
she was going. All through the voyage
she pictured his delight when he should
rush on board the Petrel to weloome
her, but the Petrel arrived and there
was no Jamie. Nor the next day, nor
the next day; she settled herself in a
hotel, wrote to him aud waited.
After three days' waitiug a lady was
ushered into her room a lady most
distinctly of the strong-minded genus.
Not a bad-looking woman, Anna
thought to herself as the two stood
watchfully regarding one another; not
bad-looking, nor vulgar, nor quite a
lady, nor just at this moment quite at
her ease.
"You are Miss Edgar, aren't you?"
she said, after that pause of inspec
tion. "It is rather awkward for its,
you see. I am Mrs. Barriugton you
won't take it kindly, I am afraid but
Jem would not come himself, he would
send me. Now what can we do to put
things as right as they cau be?"
So the doloy wos explained. The
delighted bridegroom had not rushed to
meet his bride because he was already
husband to another woman. It went
hard with Anna, but she was a proud
woman aud compelled herself to give a
cold attention to the explanations that
Mrs. Barriugton forced upon her. As
if, being betrayed, it mattered to her
how the thing was done! A rescue
from danger on the one side, a nursing
turougu an illness on the other. What
did it matter to the woman they had
cheated? Mrs. Barrington's oilers of
assistance wore haughtily declined,
aud the first steamer that left Mel
bourne carried Anna Edgar with it.
"Did. you foresee this, Georgie,
when you gave me the exaot passage
money in that purse 'towards the
house plenishing'?"
"Don't ask home questions, dar
ling," answered Georgie with kisses.
"Lie still and get well as quickly as
you can."
For Anna had been exceedingly ill
upon tho return voyage, and was still
terribly weak aud shaken. The sym
pathy of all the place was with her,
for seeing the impossibility of keeping
the disaster secret, the Edgars had de
cided to speak of it openly at once,
aud friendly gifts of all kinds came in
to show the kindly feeliugs of the
neighbors. The little house over
flowed like a cornucopia with fruit aud
flowers.
Geoffrey hung about, ready to nurse,
run errands, write letters or do any
thing that could be required of him,
as long as his business could spare
him, aud then uuwilliugly announced
that he must go.
"You will say it is heartless of me
to suggest that it is an ill wind that
blows nobody any good," he said,
squeezing Georgie's hand as they eat
over tho twilight fire; "but you see
Anna could not have done ine a better
turn than by coming to grief in this
way. All your misfortune seems to
be good luck to me. If she had not
come back I should have been afraid
to ask you to come to me. Georgie,
darling, for you would have said you
could not leave Josie. I cannot oiler
you anything like what you are used
to or what you ought to have, but
you say you do not mind being poor,"
"I like it, Geoff, dear," answered
Georgie; "aud, besides, your poverty
is weulth compared with ours."
Three-and-twenty was Anna Edgar
when she went out to Australia in the
"Petrel." At tbree-aud-tbirty she
was Anna Edgar still, and the "Petrel"
was steaming towurds Euglaud with
James Barriugton ou board.
The little house iu Oxford Road had
proved a cheery home during these
ten years to two busy aud therefore
happy women. Josie had tended the
invalid to the close of her pilgrimage,
and now aided her young daughter iu
the superintendence of the household;
Auua had stepped iuto the place that
Georgie left vacant, and had become
famous through the neighborhood as
a teacher of elocution. Her romantic
story, instead of covering her with
contempt as she expected, had
brought her hosts of sympathizers and
admirers. Life had prcspered with
the sisters, aud they could now afford
to work leisurely if thev chose.
On a day in August, Anna Edgar was
taking decided holiday. Georgie ud
her babes had just left after one of
their frequent gleeful visits, and she
was resting iu preparation for the next
event. Her niusio was open on the
piano, and her blotting-book on the
writing-table; but her attention was
wholly taken up with certain patterns
of laces aud silks aud velvets that were
spread before her. She was evidently
choosing a dress or dresses for some
important occasion, and sho fingered
one pattern after another with linger
ing care. Anna had always been hand
some, but she was handsomer now
than ten years back, and to-day, with
an expression of gentle contentment
upon her face, she looked particularly
well. She was so entirely engrossed
in tho train of thought with which the
silks aud laces were associated that
she did not notice the sound of foot
steps coining through the garden, and
started when Mary ushered into tho
room "a gentleman to speak to you,
Miss Anna." With a flush of surprise
ou hor beautiful face, she turned to
encounter her old lover James Bar-
ringtou.
"There is some mistake, I think.
she said, drawing herself back haughtily
after the first shock of astonishment
had passed. "Yon cau scarcely have
wished to see me.
"There is no mistake," answered
James. "I have come across the world
for that purpose. They toll mo you
are still iuiss idgar.
"That is perfectly correct, but I fail
to see what concern it is of yours
now, sho cried with emphasis.
"I have come across the world, as I
said, to seek you out, and ask if you
have forgiven me for what happened
ten years ago, Anna? This is my only
child," he said, pointing to a little girl
in a mourning frock, who hung shyly
behind him.
Anna looked enrionsly at the child
of the woman who bad supplanted her,
She bore a softened resemblance to
her mother, but in her face was a
strange expression indicative of Anna
knew not what.
"Indeed," said Anna, and paused
inquiringly.
"I have brought her with me," re
sumed James; "sue is all I have. It
is almost two years since she lost her
mother."
"And you probably wish her to be
educated iu England. I am sorry to
hear of your loss; it is a great chargo
to be left with so youug a child to
train."
Anua was aware that she spoke stiffily
and indifferently, but she was still iu
the dark as to the meaning of the pres
ent interview, aud she resented what
she looked upon as an unwarrantable
intrusion.
"I brought her with me because I
cguld not do without the only creature
I Save belonging to me, and, bcsides.I
wairt to show her to an English dootor.
Anna,you do know what my loneliness
is, and how ill I cau bear to be alone.
I never oould bear to be by myself. It
was that that brought about what you
must look on as my treachery toward
you. You know how I urged you to
come out to mo, and how you would
still wait till I could come to fetch
you. It was too lonely, and then I
met with Jessie. She told you all
about it; she was good to me aud I
married her. Thon you came out, two
months too late, and it broke my
h.art, Anna, for it was you always that
I loved."
"Hush!" exclaimed Anna, aghast,
as he euded with an appeal in his
voice. "This is scarcoly fit talk be
fore your wife's daughter."
"Do you not know," he said bitter
ly, "tho child is stono doaf? The
same calamity that deprived me of her
mother took away her hoaring. We
may say what we choose before her;
she only knows what we say on our
fingers."
"Poor little soul!" said Anna, sud
denly relenting toward the mute little
figure, aud taking her iuto her friond
ly arms. She understood now the
strange expression that she had
noticed on the child's face.
"It is a heavy trial to her aud to
me, and Bhe has no mother. Anna, I
have come to see if you can be won to
forgive me the past aud take tho place
now that you have always had in my
heart. I am a rich man now iu every
thing but happiness; I cau give you
all the luxuries you were born to, aud
if you do not choose to go to Australia
I will sell my property there and pur
chase an estute where you please iu
Euglaud."
Auua had released the child, and
now stood proudly confronting its
futher.
"I am exceedingly glad to hear of
your prosperity; it must surpuss even
your expectations, and I trust that
yon may long enjoy it. But, as I said
ut the beginning, you have made a
mistake; your presence here is un
called for."
"I know," said Jamos earnestly,
"that vou must even yot feel sore and
angry whou you think of my treat
ment of yon; but you do not realize
how much I too have undergone.
Jennie was a good woman, a good wife,
but sue was not the woman that I
loved."
"More shame for you," interrupted
Anna.
James put up his hand imploringly.
"You speak truly; but it was you
you ulways that 1 carried iu my heart,
aud it is you that I have come buck to
bcek. Anna, if you ure still angry
with me, will you not huve compassiou
ou the child? Tliiuk of hor helpless
ness, for what am I as a guardiuu to
that little thing? Women are always
tender-hearted, aud the child bus
never offended you. ihiuk of her
love aud my ueed, aud of now 1 have
loved you always."
"Aud betrayed me, said Anna; but
he went on unheeding her.
"And how I love you still, mil
you not yield? You are still Anna
Ldgar.
"I am." said she, blushing iu spite
of herself; "but here is Dr. Wilber
force. I had better refer you to him,
for this day mouth I shall be Mrs.
Wilberforco!"
"Anna, Anna! am I too late? Have
I come across tho world iu search of
you iu vain?"
"Yon forget, perhaps," she an
swered coldly, "that there was a time
when you led mo across the world in
search of you in vain. I loved you
once, but I am only a woman, and if I
were weak enough to love you still I
should scarcely have courage to risk a
second betrayal."
She stood before him, proud and
prosperous and happy, aud if she had
desired revenge for her past wrongs
she had it in that hour. New Y'ork
Ledger.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL,
Icebergs sometimes last '200 years
before they entirely melt away.
Frogs subsist on insects, and are
thomselves devoured by a variety of
other animals.
It is said that if tho earth's atmos-
phere were suddenly increased in
thickuess to 70!) miles tho sun could
not penetrate it and the earth would
soon be wrapped in ice.
A lamp-wick which does not require
trimming has been invented. It is a
thick coil of clay, perforated with
minute boles, through which tho ou
ascends by capillary attraction.
The overhead trolley now is iu
Cairo, Egypt. Tho lino was opened a
few weeks ago. The cars are divided
into throe compartments for uatives,
for Europeans and for women of the
harem,
A ton of Atlantic water, when evap
orated, yields eighty-one pounds of
salt: a ton of l'acillo water seventy
nine pouuds; the water of the Dead
Sea more thau twice as much 187
pouuds to the ton.
A remarkable cave hns been found
near Decorah, Iowa. In winter its
temperature is about sixty degrees,
while in summer it is usually below
zoro, tho frozou moisture depending
from the roof in tho form of icicles.
For tho purpose of removing horses
from burning buildiugs a now lire
mask has boen placed ou tho market,
consisting of a hood to cover tho eyos
aud nostrils to prevent tho horBe from
seeiug tho fire or smelling the Binoue.
Iu a recent test of floor material, tho
most durablo turned out to bo a tile
made of rubber. An English earthen
tile comes next. Vermont marble,
flagstone, granolith, marble mosaic,
yellow piue, oak, Oregon piue and teak
came in the order named.
There are no ilsh in Crater Lake,
Oregon, the deepest fresh water hike
iu the world, aud tho Uoverumout
has decided to stock it with trout.
The natives used to say that the lake
was bottomless, but soundings have
shown its greatest depth to bo 2000
feet.
One of the first instruments to be
shipped to the Klondike is Professor
Ehuu Thompson s X-ray jewel tos
ter, which will bo used by minors to
test their ores. Many people have a
lingering hope that iu the new gold
region a diamond mine may ooine to
licht, aud in case of such a glittering
find the assayers would be greatly
helped by the classifying which the
jewel tester would render possible, and
even non-professionals could apply tho
test. This instrument can be applied
to any ore or mineral find.
Two lilrdi With On. Stone.
It is told of Jesse James aud his
gang that they once stopped at the
house of a poor widow and ordered
dinner while ou a raiding tour in a
certaiu looality. After tho widow had
hustled around and gotteu up the best
dinner possible, she told Jesse sho was
in great trouble, that the mortgage ou
her farm was duo that very day, and
the man would bo there in a few
hours to turn her out if the money
was not forthcoming. The baudit
asked how much it was aud handed her
the 81800. The man came, rooeived
the money and released tho mortgage,
but had not gone fur ou his return
trip when he was told to "throw up
his hands." Jesse not -only took the
1800, but ull tho money uud valuables
ho had on his person, aud rodo away
with a contented and happy smile ou
his face. Tulare (Cul.) Times.
A Peculiar 1'ot'un.
There is a pecan tree on tho planta
tion of the Widow James, five miles
from Waycross, that is a peculur freak.
It was twice struck by lightuiug last
year, but is still bearing some of tho
finest pecaus. the last time tho tree
was struck a bolt of lightning rau
down the corner of a smoke houso
near by aud smashed up various things
inside of the building, leaving an old
setting hen undisturbed iu one cor
ner, says tho Louisville (Ky.) Post.
Ittheu struck the clothes who and
followed il across the yard to the cor
ner of the fowl house, where it came
ueur killing the entire lot. The
clothes line was molted from end to
end. The tree, not tj bo outdone,
took ou new life uud is bearing some
very fine pecaus this year.
Home That Wears Hpet's.
Among tho wonders of Surrey, Eng-
laud, which is a suburb of Londou
town, is a horse thut wears (spectacles.
He weurs them for u purpose, too, lor
his eyesight is so dim that he can't see
a yard ill front of his nose unless he
has ou his "specs." cancer sight, a
horse with hose glasses! But Tily
that's what they christened him
takes his atllictiou aud his spectacles
as u very mutter of fact thing, and
goes about his daily duties calmly.
Ho has suffered from myopia for two
years. eteiuiury surgeons recom
mended some kind of glasses, loby
got them uud weurs them. He owns
the unique distinction of beiug the
only four-footed uniuiul iu tho world
equipped with spectacles.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
A T.lttle Ollakeress Splry Tim t'nlnt or
View The Nhork Works Until Wars
II mil of tho nuns Cull tire's ontt.il
tor I-' xpert Testimony, Ktr., Kle.
A little Quakeress, so quaint,
So morlest and so sweet,
Bhe looked a veritn'de st,
While walking down th'1 st.
Indianapolis Join n il.
The I'nliit f View.
Cholly Chaplcigh "Oh. I'm aw
fully glad you're not a man!"
Penelope "And I'm just us sorry
you're not."
Culture' Condjulor.
"What an air of well-bred repose
young Newrich has."
"Yes, lint ho was naturally lazy t
begiu with." Chicago Record.
Worka Until Yny.
She "If it wasn't for tho old bach
elors there would bo no flirts."
He "If it wasn't for tho flirts thoro
would bo no old bachelors." Chicago
News.
Ifend of the Cllts.
Teacher "Willio, can you tell mo
wlmt a kleptomaniac in?"
Willie "Yessuin; ono of thmu
things y' look through." Roxbury
Gazette.
Hpley.
"Any spicy features in the now
play?"
"Well," the lady ouswered, "John
had his mouth full of cloves." Kuu
sas City Journal.
Klpert Testimony.
Tho Attorney "You say yon could
not believo this porson ou oath?"
The Witness "No, sir; Oi never
heard the lady swear iu me loife, Bir."
The Yellow Book.
The Mhock.
Miss Boston "How rough this
sport of football is! What shocks of
irresistible bodies!"
Daisy Yorko "Humph I What
shocks of irresistible hair!"
Ail Inconsistent Woman.
"Well, for a man-hater I think
you're just too inconsistent for any
thing." "Why, what do you moan?"
"Well, every time you laugh you say
'He-he!'"
Woea t'oiiipju'cd.
Perry Puttie "Well, what luck?"
Wayworn AVatson "Worse in tho
world. Ho gininio a meal ticket."
"Oh, it might o' bo:Mi worse I
struck a guy yesterday that gimme a
order ou a buth houso." Cincinnati
Enquirer.
Suine ICxeUHfl.
Blinks "Tho paper says the Czar
is a very illiterate num."
Wiuks "Not up iu tho classics,
ch?"
Blinks "Worse. They say his let
ters are full of errors in orthography."
Winks "But, my dear sir, just
tliiuk ! Hehas to spell iu Russiau."
Now York Weekly.
More Jloceit.
Mrs. Gaddington "1 don't like her
at all, dear. Sho is a deceitful wom
an. The other day sho tried to get mo
to say something against you."
Mrs. Bubblingtoii "Sho did?
How?"
Mrs. Gaddington "Why, sheusked
mo to tell her confidentially whut I
really thought of you." Puck.
An Apology.
Kelly "Phwat did yen hit Kerrigan
fer?"
Murphy "He Bod that phwut Oi
didn't know wud fill a book."
Kelly "An' didn't yoz make him
apolygoize?"
Murphy "Oi did. Oi made him
con ties roight befoor all th' crowd thot
Iihwat Oi didn't know wud fill siverul
aibraries." Judge.
HkkIiiR Him Oil.
Miss Brisk "I do not think it ap
propriate thut Cupid should ulways bo
pictured us currying a bow and ar
row." Young Pokulong "Why er cr
it seems to me to er be quite fit
ting." Miss Brisk "No; he should bo
armed with a popgun." Puck.
AKSruvntloll Iti'low KlHlra.
Mrs. Greene "Really, I tbiflk that
girls iu tinniest io service have a pretty
comfortable time of it. "
Oue of Them "But wo have our
trials, mum. Just as like us not, when
we huve got a bonnet or a gown that
is particularly becoming, first thing
we know our mistress comes out with
something exuetly like it." Bostou
Transcript.
licl'lsloll Kcael-Viul.
"You framed this act of Congress, I
believe?" said a'l eminent lawyer to a
member of tho limine of Representa
tives. "I did."
"Then would you mind telling me
what it mcuus?"
"I wouldn't mind in tho least if I
only knew, but tho fact is the courts
huve not got through interpreting it
yet." Harper's Buzur.
Ouit'k C'oiivi-l'hlon.
Small Boy "Whut'll 1 do with this
money bunk?"
Muuia "Put it uwuy, of course. It
has a dollur iu it that your aunt 'iive
you, und some change your pa uud I
put in.
"Not now. Inoie i.sn t any money
iu it now. I spout it. "
"Spent it? Whut did vou do that
for?"
"Why, tho M inister preached so
hurd against lidurdin' up richcK, that
got convei te. 1 aud spent whut X hud.
-New York Weekly
FORECAST.
Take liai'k, take hm k the harsh word now)
Consider it unspoken;
llre'ik, Itrcnk, though late, the angry vow
Tlint better fur were broken.
The stream of death will bear away
The object of thy passion;
Oh. then obliterate to-duy
The thought of his trtinsirrosslon.
Forget the little III, revenled
As tlintitfti by hnte's luteiitlon;
Il'MiiemleT nil tho ?ood. concealed
As though by love's Invention.
The hour may come when thou wilt stand
Cnsheltereil, nnd unslirlven;
Forgiveness' price Is thy hand.
To-day let It he given.
With lint red In the heart nt last
llcthink tlieeof his terror
Whose nlienuted guze were cast
On love's eternal mlrp r.
Thou might's! endure the sight of woo
The scofllng-tlie derision
But where ttnm dost expect to go
How eouldst thou bear the vision?
tdw. N. l'omeroy, Iu Youth's Companion.
HUMOROF THE DAY.
Hewitt "I'm working teu hours
now." Jewitt "How many can you
work in thnt time?" Truth.
What a scandal it would cause if
an undertaker gave way to cheerful
uess, and whistled ut his work!
Atchison Globe.
Sho "Who was it that said that a
woman's best friend was her dress
maker?" He "Probably the dress
maker." Tit-Bils.
Too frequently matrimony begins by
tho man handling a ringtothe woman,
aud ends by tho woma.i wringing her
own bands. Boston Trauscript.
"Louiso, two-thirdsof every healthy
infant's life should be spout iu sleep."
"Well, don't tell mo about it; go talk
to baby." Loudon Household Words.
"Tt was brutal iu Nero to fiddle
while ltiinio was burning." "I don't
know about that; sujiposo he had
played on accordion." Chicago Rec
ord. "That horse has n first-class pedi
greo," observed his friend. "Yes,"
said tho man who was not getting a
rim for his money; "but he's going to
bo tho lust of his race." Puck.
Pair Visitor "I suppose, Mr. Pal
ette, that truo art is very diillcult to
understand?" Mr. Palette "About
as diillcult to understand, madam, as
it is to sell." Detroit Free Pross.
"Was there any frost last night?"
"I tliiuk not. Why do you ask?" "I
merely wondered whether next year's
peach crop hud been destroyed al
ready." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.
"Have yon caught that murderer
yet?" "No," replied tho detective;
"wo haven't caught him. But we've
got him so scared ho doesn't daro show
himself when we're around." Wash
ington Star.
Mrs. Oableton "I understand that
your husband cannot meet his cred
itors." Mrs. Pale "On the contrary,
he Bays he can't help meeting them.
That is the rcusou he goes out so sel
dom." Tit-Bits.
Lady (engaging servant) "I onght
to tell you that we are all strict tee
totallers here. I suppose you wou't
mind that?" Mary June "Oh, no,
mum! I've been in u reformed drunk
ard's family before!" Punch.
Mrs. Bridewell "I'm glud I wasu't
born in Franco. Just thiuk of having
your husband selected for you by
somebody else!" Mrs. Oldham "I
know; but there's the consolation of
having somebody to blame it on to."
Judgo.
"I guess I ain't so course," said the
patient animal. "Oh, I don't know,"
retorted Balaam. "You could not
make a mail of yourself if you talked
for a decade, aud I can make an ass
of myself iu five minutes." Pittsburg
Chronicle-Telegraph.
Mr. Fogg "I saw Glisten to-day.
Ho spoke about you. Ho declared that
you were ono of the handsomest
women ho over saw." Mrs. Fogg
"The old fool." Mr. Fogg "Yes;
that's what I thought." Mrs. Fogg
"That's right; insult mo; it's justlike
you." Boston Transcript.
Twinkling or Hut Slurs.
A discovery of much interest to as
tronomers has been made by Dr. L.
L. J. See, who is in charge of Lowell
Observatory ut 1'lagstnll', Arizona. Tho
cuuse of tho twinkling of the stars
bus ulways been a mystery, none of
the theories advaueod having stood
the tost of thorough investigation. Dr.
Seo - has found the cuuse to be the
presence in tho ui'.unKphcro of innu
merable little air currents or waves,
which dart through tho uiruudcuiiso
a breul; in tho light from the star. The
result is thut to a beholder ou the
earth the star has the familiar sppeur
uuce of twinkling. These little uir
currents can be distinguished through
the tweuty-four-inch telescope very
plainly ou nights when this twinkling
is observed most by removing tho eye
piece of the instrument. This dis
covery has been culled to the attention
of the Royal Astronomical Society of
London.
A Ileum rkiililv lltig.
An English Tory army otlieer who
died lutely left directions that his
body should bo cieiuuted and the
ushes buried iu a garden by the side
of his favorite dog. The dog was a
Scotch collie that had been talight to
bark aud growl whenever Mr. Glad
stone's name was mentioned. After
it died its master used to decorate the
grave with primroses on Lord llcucons
field's birthday. Washington Star.
Twins t'il.lil IK1.I I'.Ullulay.
At ltidgeville, lud., recently John
and Richard Mcliritf, the oldest twins
iu tho I'uited States probuhly iu the
world celebrated their ninety-third
birthday. They ure thd sous of Johu
and Nellie Mi-Grin", uud were born iu
what is now Darke County, Ohio, Au
gust 31. ISO!. ludiauunolis Journal.
t