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VOL. XXVIII. NO. 40. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JAN- 22, 189G. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
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IPirplPTTOl
ICAN"
More than ono hundred writer have
writ ten the life ot Mr. Gladstone.
During tho past fiscal year the num
ber of immigrants arriving in this
country was only 258,530, which wai
less than any year's immigration since
1879.
A Chicago papor thinks that the
trouble with San Francisco is that
"it is too distant from the center ol
things." Tn San Francisco thoy think
that thins o too distant from the
center.
Judge Ricks, of the United States
Circuit Court of Ohio, has docidod
that tho Comptroller of tho Currency
can make an assessment on stock
holders of insolvent National Danks,
and that tho assessment can bo re
covered by a suit at law.
The total railway capital of tho
world is $30,000,000,000, of which
Grent Britain owns one-sixth. The
total roilcago of the world is 400,000,
and of this the British Empire has
70,000, employing 400,000 men and
carrying aunually 000,000,000 pas
sengers. "Have you Been tho fact stated in
, the newspapers that Russia has begun
to buy her armor plates in this coun
try," asks tho New York Horald, "and
lias it come to your ears that Japan
will probably have somo of her now
battle ships built hero? Those two
facts are worth noting. We are a great
country."
In England a distinction is mado
between a "village" and u "town,"
the dignity of town being applied only
to those places whioh are large enough
to support a weekly market in the
publio square, to which the farmers
of the surrounding country bring for
BaU and barter their butter, eggs and
other produce.
Young women with fortunes to in
vest in titles would do well to try Po
land, suggests the San Frunciso Ex
aminer. In Warsaw alone, with a
population of 500,030, there aro 30,
720 persons belonging to tho heredi
tary nobility, and 9237 "personal no
bles" people entitlod to tho distinc
tion by reason of offloe or discovery.
A curious fact discovered by Penn
sylvania's Dairy and Food Commis
sioner is that muoh of tho raspberry
and strawberry jam put up so neatly
in little jars contains a very small
quantity of the fruit from which it
should bo made. What appear to bo
the seeds of tho berries, explains tho
New York Fost, are introduced into
tho preserves by using plonty of grass
seed.
Somebody 6ns unearthed a book
written by Bartholomew Anglious,
about 12G0, of whijh one of the most
amusing chapters is on the children
ot his day. Of these ho writes : "They
dread no perils more than beating
with a rod, and thoy love an apple
more than cold, aud make more sor
row and woe for the loss of an apple
than for the loss of a heritage. They
desire all that they see, and pray and
afk with voioo aud with hand. TUcy
keep no counsel, but they tell all that
they hear and see. Suddenly thoy
laugh, and suddenly they weep. Al
ways they cry and jangle and jape ;
that nnless they be still while, they
sleep. When they bo washod of filth
anon they defile themselves again.
When their mother wushcth and
combcth them, they kick and sprawl
nnd put with feet nud with hands, aud
withstand with all their might." All
of which makes it appear that those.
1260 boys were the same then as now.
Ihe San Francisco Chronicle ob
serves: Mrs. Craigie, tho novelist,
known as "John Oliver Hobbe?," has
tome eeusiblo idcr.s on tho folly of
American girls niarryiug Englishmen
or other foreigners. Whatever may
be tho virtues of tho foreigner, his
training has been so radically differ
ent from that of an American that
there can be no sympathy between
him and hia Amcrioan wifo. The
American girl has beon bred to expect
deferonce from men in private as well
as in public. Too often she expects
more than she should, for the tenden
cy of the American father is to spoil
his daughters by over-indulgence. In
England the method is to teach girls
that their brothers are superior, aud
that obedience is the cardinal virtue
in women. Instead of being wuited
upon by her husband the American
girl who wiirrieu an Englishman dis
covers when too late that she is ex
pected to cater to the tastes of her
husband and to render him personal
service whenever he sees tit to demand
it. She guts no deference, and scanty
respect. This may seem a unull ioat
tor, but it has been the cause of much
utbiifipiuegh in inter v itional mur-
SMILES.
Bmllo a little, smile a liltla,
As you go Along,
Not alone wben life Is plensnnt,
But when things go wrong.
Cnro delights lo see you frowning.
Loves to hoar you sigh;
Turn a smiling face upon hor,
Qulolc the dame will fly.
Smile a little, smile a little.
All along the rond;
Every life must have its burJon,
Every hoart Its load.
Why sit down In gloom nnd dannc,
With your nrlef to sup?
As you drink Fate's blttor tonlo,
Smilo aoross the cup.
8mllo upon the troublej pilgrims
Whom you pass and most ;
Frowns are thorns, and smiles are blos
soms Oft for wonry feot.
Da not tnako the way seem harder
By a sullen face,
Bmllo a little, Bmllo a little,
Brighten up the place.
Bailie upon your undone laborj
Not for ono who grieves
O'er his task, waits wealth or g;ory;
He who smiles achtoves.
Though you meet with loss and sorrow
In the passing year?,
Smile a llttlo, smile a little,
Even through your tears.
Ella W. Wilcox, In Youth's Companion.
A COWOTS LOVE.
BY. LESTER KETCHTJM.
ALD-FACED BILL
stumbled, almost
fell, recovered
himself, then stood
stock-still, and,
turning his head,
looked appealingly
iilto his master's
eyes.
"What's th' mat-
ten, Bill?" asked Sam. "Casta shoo?
Blossed 'f ye hain't," ho continued,
after dismounting and examining tho
foot the horse held up for inspection.
"Ought 't 've had ye fixed up moro'n
two weeks back, ol' boss." He took
ont his knife a sort of pocket blask
smith and oarpentcr-shop deftly re
moved the rest of the nails by which
tho shoe hung to the hoof, "put the
bhoo in his pocket, then stool up and
scratched his head.
This was serious business. Here ho
was, over sixty miles away from homo
(and in a hurry to get there), in a
sparsely settled portion '.ot the conn
try, and without tho slightest ,idoa of
whero or how he was going to find a
placo where he might fget that shoe
reset. True, helhad no business rid
ing an animal that required the ser
vices of a farrier; but Bill was not a
native horse, and, having worn shoes
when Sam first got him, ho had been
kept shod ever since.
It was twenty odd milos back to
Taborville, whenco Sam had started
that morning, and he disliked the
idea of returning that distance just to
have a shoe set; so, after some min
utes' hesitation ho decided to go
ahead and trust to luck ; and after
walking about three miles (a painfnl
task for a (cowboy), he "mot up with"
a man traveling in the other direc
tion, who, much to his relief, told him
that there was a cross-roads just
ahead in the timber, with a store and
a blacksmith shop situated close by.
Sam thanked him and passed on,
but presently, muoh to his surprise,
the stranger turned and galloped back
to him.
"I thought I'd tell ye," ho said,
"bein' as yo're a strangeh, th't ye'd
best not dally 'raound that place none
an' don't drink nothin'. Ye see,"
he went on to explain, "tbey's be'n
fellahs turned up awissin' th't was
heerd of last, right 'bout yere. Noth
in' wa'n't never proved, but it's a
purty good place t'r t' fight shy of, I
reckon."
"Good I You bet I'm right glad . yo
tol' me I sho' am. I don't think I'll
dully none whatevah."
Then Sam and the friendly straager
parted, and Sam found his way to the
crossroads.
The blacksmith was at work when he
came aloug, but assured him he would
attend to Bill "in a jiffy." Four or
five men were loating about the place,
and they at onse proceeded to take
note of, and commeut npou, Bill's
good points a fact that Sum would
have duly appreciated had he been
able to convince himself that their at
tentions were altogether disinterest
ed. As it was, however, he viewed
with suspicion all their overtures to
ward striking up bu acquaintance, and
found it difficult to treat them with
the civility that Southwestern courtesy
demands albeit they were, to all ap
pearances, just as honorable and up
right citizens as himself. In faot, they
looked just like the average frontiers
man whose time, for tho moment,
haugs heavily on his hands, and but
for the warning of tho friendly strang
er, Sam Stires would doubtless have
"mixed free" with them. As it was,
even, he inadverteuly admitted that he
was going to El Bio, and was iu a
hurry to get there ; but he semibly re
fused all invitations to "likker up,"
on the ground that it didn't agree
with him.
The blacksmith's "jiffy" lasted uutu
alaio.-t six o'clock, and whilst he w is
engaged on Bill's foot, tho loalers
wandered out, oue at a time, and dis
appeared up the hillside, presumably
iu the direction of a house, aud this
reminded Sam that it was supper tin:.',
and that he was hungry.
" 'Bout suppeh time, strangeh, "said
the blacksmith, suddenly, us though
diviuiug hisclieut'sthoughts. "Ilidu't
ve bettah come up an' graze with we
all, an' let th' job go J'r a bit?"
"Cuiu't do it, purducr," Sam re
plied, somewhut hastily, thereby con
tinuing the other iu u certain suspi
ciou ho held concerning Sam (i. u. ,
that he was a mursuui's or .uei id
doputy) " 'cause yo see, I got tt" be
a-moviu' right peart, on' gittin t'
Rio. 'Bliged V ye, all th' same. I'll
jes' go ovah t' th' store an' git a snack
w'le ye finish th' job."4
There was a little, faded, sharp
featured woman behind the counter in
the littlo store, and her keen black
eyes studied Sam critically as she pro
ceeded to serve him with th oheese
and crackers he called for. Presently
a tall, big, square shouldered fellow
came in and stood by the door, and
the woman went and joined him. They
conversed in low whispers for about a
minute, and Sa n, dimly Buspicious.
glanced at them two or three times.
The last time he saw that tbey were
looking at him. Then the woman,
with a half laugh, shrugged her thin
shoulders and said, aloud, as the big
man tnrned to go out:
"Quien sabe? Quien snbe?"
The moment tho big man was gone,
however, she hastened to the baok of
the store, looked into the bar room,
apparently to make certain that it was
unoccupied, then came up to Stires,
who was hastily gobbling his lunch,
and asked, in a whisper: "Strangeh,
be you a uep tv?
"Me?" No, o' co'ee not. What"
"Co'se," said the woman, with an
impatient gesture,"! might 'a' knowed
yo wouldn't say so, ef ye was. Look
yere," she went on, hastily, coming
closer and laying a hand on his arm.
"Y're in danger, mister. Le' me tell
ye, w'ile I've got th' chanst, th't ye
wantuh git ont o this real quick an
say, don't take th' Bio trail fur.
Leave it a mile out, an cut cross
to'ds Amity Fo'ks hcah me?"
"Yes'm, I sho do ; but whut "
"Don't stop t' ast no fool qnestions.
That big fellah 's Nel Flynn, an
vcre's w'ere 'o hangs out a lot. They'll
pit ye, ef ye don't look out. I'm
tellin' ye this, 'cause 'cause well,
nevah rain . Only, git a move on.
Sam lost no time in seeing that Bill
was properly "fixed," .and, getting
started, ho took tho strange little
woman's advico and turned toward
Amity Forks, thereby preserving, no
doubt, a whole skin. He asked him
self, many times, why tho woman
should havo taken the trouble to warn
him, but was unable to find any rea
son lor it.
As a matter of faot, the woman her
self conld have given no reason be
yond that essentially letninino "be
cause."
Tho face of Nod Fiyun haunted Sam.
Why, it is impossible to say, for Sam
Stires, like the rest of his family, was
not all imaginative. There was noth
ing ' remarkable about the face of
Flynn, tho outlaw, excepting that it
belied the character of its owncr.being
a square, honest face, with two clear,
honest blue eyes, while Flynn well,
everybody within a hundred milos of
the line knew what he was. Neverthe
less, that face pothered Sam all the
way home nnd for two or three days
afterward, and he could think of no
reason for its constaut appearance be
fore his mental vision until, ono after
noon shortly after his arrival home,
he started out for the Huston place to
see Mat. Then, as be forded a creek
near the Huston ranch, be romom
bered the man he had met there one
time, who, he had been told after his
arrival at the house, was Harry Arm
strong, bis muoh-heard-of but novcr-before-seen
rival for Mat's affections.
And he remembered now that tho
b ranger's face was the face of Ned
Flynn, outlaw aud "rustler."
. After making this Btartling discovery
ho rode more slowly, in order to re
cover his mental equilibrium. He
was in doubt how to act in the matter,
for he was by no means absolutely
certain that he was correct, and he
knew that to tell Mut of his discovery
and then find that he was mistaken,
would jeopardize, if not ruin, his own
chances with her. Wherefore, he re
solved to proceed with caution, aud
to assure himself that he was right be
fore going ahead.
"Say, B.irt," he asked, in a oonfi
dentil tone, of Mat's brother, who rode
a mile or two with him on his home
ward way late that night, "Uo's this
yere mau Armstrong, anyways?"
Bart Hustou laugho'l. "Gittin'
scuirtof 'im, Sum? Didn't s'pose he
was worryin' ye at all, I sho' didn't."
"Oh, I don't car' p'tio'lar," said
Sam, hastily, with a gesture of depre
cation. "Ou'y, I'm jes' sorto' our'ns
'bout'im, that's all."
"Wa-al, fact is, I d'uo's I know
much about th' dujk," confessed Bart.
"Seen 'im oncet, didn't ye? Wa-al,
all I know 'bout 'im, th't 'e'a got a
ranch oveh on th' Feoos, an' 'notheh
ono oveh b' th' Two-Mile ol' Watrous
place, yo know. Say's 'e's goin' t'
sell aout th' Pecos place, an' move
oveh t' this country afteli th' full
raouud-up. Scemst'bea purly good
soht o' felluh, au' aa's like 'e's got
dough. He's some eddieated, too."
"Al-hm," grunted Sam, as though it
was immaterial, alt this information
about his rival. Aud ho raid nothing
more to Burt on the subject, but cer
tainly "ke a-thinkiu' a lot." as he
would have expressed it. He must
inuke sure that bis surmise was cor
rect, aud then well, Mr. Armstrong,
or Flynn, or whatever his name was,
would not only be decidedly out of the
running, but was in a fair way to con
c.ule oue of his visits at tho Huston
place at tho end of a reuta.
But before Sam had tuno to thiu'.;
out the best plan for assuring himself
of "Armstrong's" identity with Ned
Flynn, he learned that that gcutlomau
was expected, in a few days, on a visit
to Mat ; and this information, volun
teered by Bart, whom he me: ou the
range, decided Sam who had uen at
the point of deciding for t.w. two
years on a course ot action, and the
very next day he roJo over to see
.Wat.
As he rode up to the house, ho no
ticed that it looked singul irly quiet,
nnil (to tin id wis Ii iiv Inis lime) Ii.;
iinont hoped the "fulUs" were nil
away, and that ha could again post
pone asking Mat the question he had
so long been wanting, yet fearing, to
ask. Hut iUat herself met mm at tne
door.
"W'y, howdy, Sam 1" she ejaculated.
"I'm right glad f see ye I Didn't
know, f'r sho', but what 'twas some
one a-oomin' t' carry me off I"
"1 ve a rjgbt good notion t no it,
said Sam, with what he considered re
markable andaoity and then be fnilod
to follow np this opening, but asked :
"Be ye all alone, Mat?
"I sh'd say alone I Maw 'n' paw's
gone t' laown, Bart an' ev'ry han's
aout on th' range, an' even ol' Man
illa's done skipped went ovah on th'
creek to a Greaser fun'ral. But go
an' put Bill up an' come in. We'll
havo snppeh, right soon."
Sam soon returned to the kitchen,
and sat there, with eyes and mouth
open, watching Mat as she flitted
gracefully about the room preparing
supper. He took in every detail of
the tail, lithe figure, the pretty face,
and the thick tawny hair, with its lit
tle carls that clustered about her neck.
He wondered if she would ever let him
handle those curls.
"Well, oome V graze, Sammy," she
said, finally. "I reckon they ain't but
ns two t' eat, this time."
,'Wondoh whut she'd say ef I sh'd
tell 'er I wish't it was jest us two
al'ays?" thought Sam. But he did not
say it, being very timid, and very hun
gry, beside. After supper, however,
they sat out in the "gallery," and Mat
gave him an opportunity to speak.
"Seems funny, don't it, f'r jest ns
two t' be a-settin' yere?" the girl said,
smiling at him frankly.
Sam swallowed spasmodically; his
throat hurt him.
"Why not t'r al'ays, Mat'" ho said,
finally, in a husky voice. "Mat,
darlin', s'pose mo V you fix it up t'
be t'gothah f'revah? Don't don't
stop me," he went on, as the girl rose
to her feet and would have spoken.
"I be'n tryiu' t' say it f'r two yeahs.
Mat, will ye marry me?"
The girl had one arm across her
eyes, and was sobbing. "Oh, I wish't
ye hadn't, Saml I wish't yo hadn't V
spoke I I hain't treated ye right,
Sam, I hain't. I"
"Wh why "
"I s'pose I got t' tell you, Sam,"
she said, more steadily, but with eyes
averted. "Ef I got t' tell ye oh,
Sam, I was married t' Harry Arm
strong last winteh, w'en I was ovah
on th' Pecos 1"
Sam sank limply back in his chair.
"Yo don't mean it; ye sho' don't
mean it, Mat!" he gasped. But the
girl nodded her head affirmatively,
aud bit a coiner of the handkerchief
sho held to her eyes.
"I cain't b'lieve it, Mat I sho'
cuiu't I" said poor Sam, plaintively.
'Lo' me think."
So engrossed wero tbey that thoy
bad not heard the sound of galloping
hoofs, and both were startled when
some one reined np suddenly, almost
in front of them, and cried, hoarsely:
"Good God 1 Mat, where can I hide?"
"Ned Flynn 1" ejaculated Sam,
starting to his feet dazedly.
"Harry 1" shrieked the girl, as the
man, pale, bareheaded and dishevolod,
threw himsolf from his drooping horse
aud staggered toward thorn. One side
of his face and neck was covered with
blood.
Tho girl sprang forward and threw
her arms about him. "What is it,
Harry? What is it?"
"Nothing," said the man, grimly
"only they've sent out three posses
after me, and I'm caught. There's a
lot of 'era just behind. If I oould get
over the Two-Mile "
Sam started forward. "Haow fur
b'hind are they?" he asked, in a queer
voice.
"Bight on my heels," replied the
other man, with the calmness of de
spair. He sat with bis bead buried in
his wife's lap, aud did not look np,
seeming to care not at all what hap
pened next.
Then Sam did something that sur
prised himself "Git inside, you two I"
he said, roughly, and tossed his hat to
Fiynn. Then he ran nnd leaped into
tho saddle the other man had just left,
jammed his spurs into the weary
horse's flanks, and, with a wave of
the hand, was off toward the hills
and not a quarter of a mile behind
him, when he struck the road, were a
half dozen horsemen.
They caught Bight of him orossing
the road ahead, and, with load yells,
raced after him.
Sam knew that the horse he rode
could not last long, but he still had
time to think of what he had done,
and what would be done to him. He
knew what generally happened to per
sons who aided the escape of men like
Flynn but he retlected, grimly, that
he had his revolver on, aud they should
never hang him, at least.
But why had be done it? Ho did
not feol sorry, really, but he could
not comprehend his own aotion.
"I'iugl" They were shooting at
him now, and the bullets were flying
uncomfortably close. If he oould only
rtiicj tho timber I He glanced back,
und it gave him a pang to seo how
rapidly they were guining upon him.
His horse stumbled, foil, and threw
him ; but ho was back in tho saddlu in
a moment and urging the poor crea
ture ou. Agaiu he looked buck. One
of his pursuers suddenly halted his
horse, dismounted, and, with his knee
for a rest, began pumping lead alter
the fugitive. One two three shots
missed him. Ho hoped he was draw
ing out of range. Then
"What's th' matter wi' that?" usked
the man who had dismounted, as he
came up and joined the rest. It wits
hum's cousin, Will Stires. 'Through
th' back, hey?" Aud ho turned the
body over. "Slick an' good heav
eusl It's Sum! You fellahs don't
s'pose he'd b uiixud in with "
"Not by u bl'T si"?ht !" fcui I one ot
, lueotlier-. ' ' l'i j 'n utiuiidli'ii' fu'iny
bent llm dc.u j.nu hu'u'I iu it."
And np at the Huston plaoe, other
members of the posse had olosed in
upon tho house, dragged Ned Flynn,
outlaw, from the arms of his shrieking
wife, and, without any useless delay,
were just at this moment giving him
the punishment ho had so long and so
richly deserved. San Francisco.
SCIENTIFIC ASB INDUSTRIAL.
No insulator of magnetism has yet
been found.
T A dry heat of 250 dogrees destroys
germs of infection.
The skeleton of an averagewhale is
said to weigh no less than fifty 'thou
sand pounds.
Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria, ib said
to be an excellent winter refuge for
consumptives.
When water freezes it expands with
a force which Trautwine estimates at
not less than thirty thousand pounds
to the square inch.
At last hydrogen is liquified. What
was once pure theory is now an estab
lished, substantial fact. Every known
gas has been forced from invisibility
to visibility.
The Russian Army authorities are
about to establish a soientiflo branoh
of the service. The object is to work
ont the applicability of electrical
discoveries to war purposes.
They are building locomotives in
France now in a form to present as
little hold as possible to the air, which,
it is claimed, is an important factor in
diminishing the speed of fast trains.
The Fourth avenue street car line,
Now York City, after long experiment
ing with storage batteries to run its
cars, thinks that it has an artiole that
fill the bill, and is about to equip all
its cars.
The length of the day varies in
different places. In London the longest
day has sixteen and a half hours ; at
St. Petersburg nineteen and in
Spitsbergen the longest day lasts
three months and a half.
The water animals were lower in
organism and older in existence than
the air breathing animals. They
naturally found ther existence easier
than did the animals exposed to the
vicissitudes of the atmosphere.
J. E. Gore, writing on the "Size of
Solar System," says that "enormously
large as the solar system absolutely ip,
compared with the size of our own
earth, it is, compared with the visible
universe, merely as a drop in the
ocean."
A new lead for deep sea sounding
carries a cartridge which explodes on
tonohing the bottom. A submerged
miorophone receives the sound and
the depth is estimated from the titnj
occupied by the lead in sinking to the
bottom.
A heavenly census is now being
taken by tho Paris Observatory ; to
count the stars the heavens are photo
graphed in sections. Some of these
sections show only a dozen stars, while
others of the samo dimensions show
over 1500.
There are being shown in Sheffield,
Englund, samples of compound com
pressed solid petroleum, the invention
of Paul D'Bumy, a French naval en
gineer, who claims to have solved tho
problem of solidifying petroleum and
low grade bituminous oil. Under his
process he states that three cubic feet
will represent the bulk of a ton of
coal, aud will lust combustible as long
as fifty tons.
American Iff? Uauia for England.
Colonel William Root, of Laramie,
Wyoming, recently received an order
from tho representatives of some
wealthy British sportsmen owning big
preserves in the Scottish Highlands
for a number of elk, deer and moose,
to be shipped to Scotland for re3tock
iug the preserves. He has in former
years secured and sent over several
similar consignment of big game to
Greut Britain aud the Continent. The
deer, he says, stand the long journey
well, but elk and moose seem more
delicate, have to receive the greatest
care and the most carefully selected
food, nud after all frequently die ou
the ocean trip. lie will hunt in the
northern part of Wyoming, whore elk
and moosu etill abound, for the ani
mals to fill this order. It is a much
harder tusk, as may well be imagined,
to secure these animals alive and in
good condition thau simply to stalk
and shoot them. New York Sun.
Dlsfon'ie.l a Pigmy Trlhp.
Dr. Donaldson Smith, of Philadel
phia, the explorer of Somaliland, has
reached Loudon in the best of health.
Dr. Smith had a narrow escape from
being killed by a rhinocerous while ou
his way to the lakes, but he pushed
ouwurd and succeeded in exploring the
country, discovering many now tribes,
the members of one oi them being un
der five feet high. The exploration,
Dr. Smith said, had been successful
from a natural history point of view.
They had discovered a number of fer
tilo districts aud new tribes, aud had
located several doubtful rivers. They
only lost six people killed during the
whole journey. Dr. Smith will return
to the United States in January.
Chicago Times-Herald.
At Law Over a l'i;.
A SI 50 lawsuit ov r a SI. 25 pig has
just ' en ended iu Miohigantowu, Ind. ,
aud the town treasury is out the former
amount. A moutn ago the City Mar
shal impounded a pig belonging to a
farmer named llilhs. The farmer re
fused to pay the SI. 50 pound chargu
and repleviued the pig. The town
sued him, aud after three trials tu
Circuit Court the other day gave a
verdict for Hillis, with $1.01 damages.
Moru than half tho people in towu
weru summoned as witnesses, aud tho
i total amount ot money lost over tint
pig runs to a piotty high liguro. .tw
vo-i Suu.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BT THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE FRES3,
As to Stono Walls His First Case
in the Car Natural Inference
betting Her Down Kasy, Ktc, Ktc.
Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor Iron bam a ougn.
For him who has the wherewithal
Good lawyers to engage.
-Indianapolis Journal.
013 nnsT CASE.
Patient "Doctor, I am troubled
with insomnia."
Yonng Doctor "Er a what aro
tho symptoms?"
MASnED ON HERSELF.
Alico (the friend) "I don't see how
anyone oan help loving Blanche."
Gertrade (tho rival) "She can't
help it herself." Life.
a BEAT EXPECTATIONS.
Clara "May has refused a man
with half a million."
Carrie "Is it possible? I J:cvcr
though she was so mercenary."
IN TflE CAK. .
Interested Stranger "What is tho
trouble with the baby, sir?"
Papa "Blest if I know, excopt that
It doesn't soom to bo his lungs."
Puck.
NATORAti INFERENCE.
"Is Bob Knockout a widower?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"I heard somoono say that his ficht
(ng days were over." Detroit Freo
Press.
IjBttinq nun down easy.
Mildrod "I wouldn't marry tho
best man in tho world."
Mr. Suitor "There is no danger;
the bride never gets tho best man."
lit-Bits.
TAINS GIVEN, NOT TAKEN.
YonngLady (timorously) -"Who was
that screaming just now?"
DentiBt "Don't be alarmed ; it was
a patient who was beirg trcato.l freo
jf charge"
LIKE THE REST OF HER BOARDERS.
Miss Slimdiet (the landlady, telling
an adventure) "Well, oue day last
summer I boarded a car"
Weak-Looking Boarder (interrupt
ing)"PH bot it was empty." Puck.
TWO OF THEM.
Fred "Did you know that Captain
Thribble had two left legs?"
Unole Ned "Non-sense 1"
Fred "But H'b not nonsense. His
right leg was left nt Gettysburg,
wasn't it? And ho hai his left leg
still, hasn't he?" Harper's Bound
Table
ON THE SAFE SIDE.
Student "Then how much docs the
suit oome to for cash?"
Tailor "Fifty marks."
Student "Aud if paid for by instal
ments?" Tailor "A hundred marks only iu
that case you will have to pay half ou
the nail." Linzgaiur Bote.
TOl'l'LAR HVl'NOTISM.
The hypnotist smdo I confidently.
"Yes." said he, "by making a few
passes I can cause n man to go to any
part of the city I choose."
"Hm I" said tho railroad magnate,
"I can do tho same thing nud Bend a
man cloar from hero to Suu Fran
cisco." Cincinnati Euquircr.
BROUGHT THE WHOLE PARTY.
He had told a thrilling story of res
cue from a mountain canon.
"But how did you attract tho at
tention of the searchers?"
"ft was entirely accidental after
I'd fired my rifle und shouted myself
hoarse something accidentally tickled
my nose and I sneezed 1" Chicago
Record.
MAKING THE PUNISHMENT 1'lT THE i'lvIME.
Lucy "The wretch 1 Aud so he
has been proposing to both of us?"
Jennie "It seems so."
Lucy "I wish wo could think of
some fearful way to punish liiui."
Jcuuie "1 have an idea."
Lucy "WLat is it?"
Jennie "You uiurry him, dear."
Tit-Bits.
his ci'mosrrv unvni-ir.n.
"What oan your sex do, luiidam,"
asked the cynical caller, "iu ca-o it
becomes necessary to nail a campaign
lie?"
"We may not be able to nail it, sir,"
replied with dignity tho new woman
who had gone into politic-", ''but wo
cau punch it full of holes with u hat
piu." Chicago Tribune.
AGAINST HIS lT.ISl'II't.M.
"I don't mind eating biscuit mado
with baking powder," fuid the tramp,
"but I draw tho lino at bread raised
with yeast."
"I'd like to know why?" suid the
woiuuu of the house, is she drew buck
the half loaf ot white bread.
"The youst that mado that bread
worked," answered the trump, "and I
cannot oousisteutly alUliato with it."
Detroit Free Press.
A memorial tablet to Mary, tjueeu
of Soots, has just been placed in Peter
borough, Eugluud, near the i-pot
where she was buried utter her execu
tion. It was subscribed for by Eng
lish women beuriug tho name of
Mary.
Dr. Palmer Fiudlay, of Atlantic,
Iowa, a young phybician, bus declined
au offer from President I Muz of the
position of riurgeou-M-Chicf ol mo
Mexican army.
LITTLE KISSES.
Mttln Kisses at the gatn
Bluets me In tho twilight late;
Where the rnrct rose? bo
Walts he with a kiss for ni".
Bound my nwk hr ringlet (alls
Rhe's the aweetost rose ol all'.
"Mow much do you love me, Kisses
Llttlo Kisses, crowned nnd curled?"
Then with arms world-wide, she answer?,
"Love you love you all the world!"
Little Kisses at the gate
Whispers to tho white rose, ''Walt'''
To the restless red rose she
Whispers: "Keep me company'."
Aud the red-rose petals fall
On the sweetest rose of nil'
"How much do you love me, Kisses
Little Kisses, erowned nnd curled?"
And the roses hear her answer
"Love ynu love you all the world!'
Little Kisses, at the gate
Linger not too Into too Intf,
Lest some lonely nngel fnr
Wandering from a loveless star
Whero the earthly angels be.
Steal your face away from me!
'How much do you love me. Kisses
Little Kisses, crowned and curie .1?
Shnll I ever miss the answer.
, 'Love you love you all the world?"
F. L. Htautou.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
The upper hand A foreman, ruck.'
High life Tho signal service ofli- -ctrs.
Puck. "
Tried bv adversity The art of bor
rowing, ruck.
Cobble "Havo yon got a good law
yer?" Stono "'No ; but he's smart."
"What did tho doctor do for your-'
somplnint?" "Told mo tho uamo of
it." Puck.
A cynio is a man who bus discovered
noither tho world's greatness nor hia
own littleness. Puck.
A man is like a razor, becuuBo you
can't tell how sharp he cau bo until ho
is strapped. Toxus Siftiugs.
Sat On : Traveler "May I tuko this
seat?" Maiden (from Boston, icily)
"Where do you wish to take it, sir?"
Puck.
She says she can't afford n cab
Expenses she must eurli.
Yet when she walks upuu the Htreot
Her carriage is superb.
-New York Herald.
IToax "What makes your son yell
and shout about the house thut way?"
Joax "He's cettiuii iu truiniug to)
enter college next year. ''Philadel
phia Record.
New Woman -"Husband, I need a
change. Tho doctor says my life i
too monotonous; I need excitement."
Husband "Try staying at home. "
Detroit Free Press.
Country womau "I want my boy on
the picture too. " Portrait Painter
"Thou it will cost eighty marks more."
Countrywoman "But I am going to
hold him on my lap 1"
Foreman (through the speaking
tube) "Where do you want that stuff
nbout Turkey put?" Night Editor
(yelling buck) "Ou tho inside, ot
course." Chicago Tribune.
First Kid "Anyhow," I never had
no grauddaddy huug for boss stealin'."
Second Kid "Don't cure if ho wuz.
Hosses wuz worth stealiu' in them
days." Cincinnati Enquirer.
.fudge -"Defenduut, can you ad
vance anything more toward your de
fense?" Defenduut "No, yourhouor.
i had only SI nud I huve already given
that to my lawyer." -Das Echo.
"I wonder if that diamoud Mudgo
has is of the first water?" "I doubt
jt. It has been soaked so many timos
that it must be of the tenth or eleventh
water by this time." Indianapolis
Journal.
Fdise "My dearest Stella 1 I haven't'
seen you for four months. How is
your Charles?" StolU-"Oh, my
Charles has chaugoil very much siuoo
then. His name is now Robert !"
Fliegoude Blaettor.
Codger "Funny that such a quiet,
domestic sort of a chap as you should
remain a buchelor. Didn't you ever
think of marrying?" Solus "Yes;
perhaps that is the reason 1 never mar
ried. " Boston Transcript.
Fond Parent "Here aie two quar
ters for you, Bobby, to put in your
little bunk." Bobby "I'd rather havo
a half if you've got it, Pop." Fond
Parent-"What for?" Hobby '"Cos
it won't go through the hole." Tuck.
"Tho man I mui-v must be both
brave and clever," said the sweet girl.
"When we were out sailing," returned
the adoring youth, "uu 1 upset, I
saved you from a watery grave."
"That was bravo, I admit, but it was
not clover." "Yes, it was; 1 upset
tho boat on purpose." "You dar
ling?" Tit-Bits.
Airs. Newritch "Henry, you gavo
yourself awuy bally at tho dinner
table to-uiK'ht. Do you kuow yon
were actunlly eatiug with your knife?"
Mr. Newritcn "No! wai 1, though?
hope none of our quests notiood it."
Mrs. Newritch "Oh, I don't care so
much about them but our Euglish
butier did." Puck.
it was iu the Louvre. She had beeu
gazing at and euthusiug over tho pic
tures for hours, and dually, with a
Kp of vuvy, alio cried : "Oil, dear I
Why is it thut we have so fnw old mas
ters and so many old mui Is iu Amer
ica'.'" "I guess it's because tho old
maids speud ull their lives painting
themselves," suid her companion, uu
gulluutly. Hurpcr'a Diawor.
The following is the daily r.itiou of
wild auimuls, such as thoso at the
Philadelphia Zoological Gardens: Ten
pounds of tlesU for each lion, tieran i
bear ; seveu pounds for the panther,
three to six pounds for the hveua, ouo
pound for tho wildcat, two potluds for
I i ho ca;;le, all oi which tUMi must 1J
iresh und without bone.