Newspaper Page Text
Rates of Advertising.
One S'juaro (1 Inch,) ono inertlona - tl ."0
19 rUBI.ISIIEI) EVERY WEDNESDAY, BY
W. R. DUNN.
Office In Knox's Building, Elrr Strcot.
Hie square " nneiiiontn -
Ono H(iiai-o " three mouths - It oo
One Kipiarn " ono year - - 1(1 Ml
Two H'pinreM, one year - - - 11 1)1
ijuarter dl. .i i i"i
Half " SO 00
Ono " " - - - - 100 09
lUisiness Cords, not exceeding ono inch
In length, f 10 per yenr.
Legal notices at established rates.
These rates are low, and no deviation
vill bo made, or discrimination among
patrons, 'i'lio ratos offered aro such, is
ill mnke it to the advantagc-of men dot. g
business in the limits of the circulation of
tlie iwiicr to advertise liberally.
TKUM8, $2.00 A YEAR.
No Subscription received for a shorter
period than throe month.
Correspondence solicited from nil parts
of tho country. No notice will bo taken of
, annonymous' communications.
Marriages and Poath notices Insortod
" Lot us havo Faith that Right makos Might ; and in,that Faith lot us to tho end, dare do our duty as we understand it."--LINCOLN.
VOL. V. NO. 22.
TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1872.
$2 PER ANNUM.
, WKWTON TRTTIH. . MII.KS W. TATE.
PETTIS & TATE,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
Jlhn Street, TIONKSTA, PA.
A TTOnNEY AT LAW, Oil City, Pn.
fx. Will practice In tho various Court of
Forest County. All IiumIiiom entrusted to
kli care .will receive prompt attention.
"W. W. Mmou,
Qeorgs A, JsnVs,
Mason A Jen,ks,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW. Ofuc.o on Elm
Htreet, above Walnut, Tionosta, l'a.
C. W. Gilflllan,
A TTOUNEY AT LAW, Franklin, Ve-
1 X. nango Co., l'a. ii.
J. n. HA1UUS, D. P. FAHSKTT,
II A 11 11 IS C FA SSI! TV,
Attorneys at Law. Tltuevllle Penn'a.
Tn ACTICE In nil tho Court of Warren,
X Crawford, Forost and Venango Coun
W. P. MercllUott,
ATTORNEY A COUNSELOR AT LAW
Tionosta, l'a. Ofliee on Elm Street,
The professional services of tho Hon. H.
1. Johnson can be secured through me If
desired in anv business entrusted to me in
Forest Co. Collections promptly attended
to. Also Keal J'.siaio Agent.
TT TTTEL. Proprietor. Elm St. Tlo
nesta. l'a.. at the mouth of the creek.
Mr. Iltlo has thoroughly renovatel tho
Tionosta Mouse, and ro-furnishod It com
pletely. All who patronize him will bo
woll entertained at reasonable rates. 20 ly
T BLACK PROPRIETOR.
XJ . Court House, Tionosta,
opened. Everything new and clean and
frosh. The best of liquors kept constantly
on hand. A portion of tho public patron
age 1s rospoctfully solicited. 4-17-lv
HMONESTA, PA., opposite the Depot,
J- C. 1). Mubio, Proprietor. Good Hta
llin; eonnuctcd with tho house. tf.
T1DIOUTK, Pa., J. A 1 Maoee, Pnipio
tors. The houso has been thoroughly
rntltted and is now in tho first-class order,
with the best of accommodations. Any
nformaiion concerning tl Territory at
this point will bo ehoorl'iillv furnished,
-ly J. &. MAUE1C,
T OWER TIDIOUTE. Pa.. IX S. Rams
X-J DKKI. A Son Prop's. This house having
leenrotitod Is now tho most desirable stop-
Iiing place In Tidlotite. A good Hilliard
loom attached. 4-ly
TRVINETON. PA. W. A. Hallenback,
Prourictor. This hotel is Nkw. and is
iiw open as a first class houso, situate at
pejunctmn ol tlie t ii crecK it Aiiogneny
ativer and Philadelphia A Erie Railroads,
nnosite tho Icnot. Parties having to lay
ver trains will Unit this tlie most conveii-
cnt hotel in town, with II rut-class aeeoni
nodations and reasouablo charges. tf.
Dr. J. .. Acom.b,
PHYSICIAN AND SUROEON, who has
had fifteen years' experience in a largo
anil sitecosstiil practice, will attend ail
Professional Calls. Olltco in his Drug and
Grocery Store, located in Tidiouto, near
IN HIS STORE WILL BE FOUND
A full assortmont of Modicines. Liquors
-Tobacco. Cigars. Stationer v. Glass. Paints,
Oils, Cutler', and line Groceries, all of the
ties! quality, and will be sold at reasonable
H. R. BURG ESS, an oxporioncod Drug-
cist from New York, has charge of the
Store. All proscriptions put up accurately
B. H. Hi JNO. r. TAVK. A. a KELLY
MA Y, 1'AltK C CO.,
Corner of Elm A Wulnut Sis. Tionosta.
Bank of Discount and Deposit.
Interest allowed on Time Deposits.
Collections inadeonall thoPrinclpal points
of the U. S.
JXO. A. PILE. rn.l. J. T. DALK, CuU.
Tionosta, Forest Co., l'a.
This Bank transacts a General Banking,
V)locting and Exchange Business.
... - Drafts on tlie Principal Cities of the
JL'nitod SUtes and Europe bought and sold.
Gold and Silver Coin and Government
Securities bought and sold. 7-HU Bonds
fouvorted on the most favorable terms.
Interest allowed on time deposits.
Mar. 4, tf.
SLOAN & VAN GIESEN.
. WA.O ON -MAKERS.
ACornor of Church and Elm Streets,
'Mis firm wprepared to do all work in
its lino, and will warrant everything done
' at their shops' to give satisfaction, l'ur-
ticulur atUiullou fjivou to
ifivethem a trid,' and yoft will not re
gret It, lS-ly.
'. lt RepuVliean Ofilco
KEEPS constantly on handa large as
sortment of Blank Deeds, Mortuugos,
Hubpyjias, Warraiits, Smumous, Ac. to
befr libiip for cshi . tf.
D. W. CLARK,
(C'OMMISSIONKn'S CI.KRK, FOItKST CO., FA.)
HEAL ESTATE AGENT.
HOUSES and Iots forS.iloand RENT
Wild I.nd8 for Salo. J.
I havo superior facilities for ascertaining
tho condition of taxes and tax deeds, Ac,
and am therefore (pialitlcd to act intelli
gently as agent of those living at a dls-
lanco, owning lands in tno county.
i mice in commissioners Kooiu, court
Houso, Tionosta, l'a.
4-41-ly. D. W. CLARK.
Knw. niTiinirtfiK. rr-.t.
K' D. DITHK11M4K, Trw.
T . WHIOIIT Sci-t.
UKO. W. DIIIIHIDIC.
THE SUPERIOR LUMBER CO.,
Pine Lumber, Lath, Shingles &c.
Mills on Tioncsla Crcrk, Forest Co., Pa.
Ynrtls & OffireVor. 22tl k Rail Road Sis.,
Jos. Y.. Saul,
PRACTICAL Harness Maker and Sad
dler. Threo doors north of Holmes
House, Tioncsla, Fa. All work Is war
IICKXCED AUCTION IER, will attend
J to all business in that lino promptly,
at reasonable ratos. Address
WM. FELLERS, Now man ville,
f)-3m. Clarion Co. l'a.
K. D. DITHniUUK
FORT PITT GLASS WORKS.
. Established A. I). 1S27.
PITKEUPGE & QN;e
Dithridge's xx Flint Glas3
Silvered Glass Reflectors.
Those chimneys do not break by heat.
Ask for Ditiiridoes. Tuko no other.
DIT1IRIDGE A SON,
25-ly. Pittsburgh, Pa,
Xcw Ituarling House.
TTRS. S. S. HULINGS has built a largo
111 addition to her house, and lu now pre
pared to accommodate a number of perma
nont boarders, and all transient ones who
nmv favor her with their patronage. A
good stnblo has recently been built to ac
commodate tho horses of guests. Charges
reasonable Residence on Elm St., oppo
site S. Haslet's store. 23-ly
S. S. JONES
GROCERY AND PROVISION STORE
HAVE nst brought on a e.oniplote and
carefully selected stock of
and everything necessary to tho complete
stock ofa first-class Grocery House, which
they have opened out at heir establish
ment on Eliu St., first door north of M. .
a xd mo risioxs of a ll kixds,
at tho lowest cash prices. Goods warrant
ed to be of the best quality. Call and ex
amine, and wo believe we can suit you.
GEO. W. HOVARD A CO.
Jan. 9. '72.
Lloyd & Son,
WATER. STREET, TIOXESTA, rA.
IJAVE JUST OPENED an oxtenslvo
11 Stock of
FLOUR AND FEED,
GROCERIES m PROVISIONS,
Which they otfer to the public at rates as
low us can be ottered by any other estab
lishment in towiu Give us a call before
40-aia. LLOYD A SON
A. 31 I It A I! I K I
Mr. Samuel Bell, of W. E. Schmortx it
Co., Wholesale Boot and Shoe Manufactur
ers, 31 Fifth avenue, Pittsburgh, l'a., has
been alUictud with chronic rheuiuatish for
unity years, from his ri 'lit hip to his fHt.
having to uses crutch and a cane, at times
so painliu as to utterly lucaiiucitato him
from attending to his business. Having
irieu every remedy Known, wiinout cllcct,
except ijiiuiaua s t ain Killer, lie was
finally Induced to try it. A second applica
tion enabled him to' lay aside his crutch,
and a third ctfocted a permanent cure. Mr,
Bell is a popular and well-known citizen.
is a living monument of the etl'acacy of
uiai leii'iit jiMuui'ui uiscoyery, Luiuano s
Pain Killer. The atliinted should ask their
grocer or druggist lor it. and try its won
derful power. Mr, Gilliland, wo under-
muiui, wants a rospectable agent In every
uwn unci coiiiuy lor it. nie principal ol
lice is at 7 Third Avenue, Pittsburgh Pa,
The Religious Card Player.
A private soldier by tho name of
Riclmrd Lee, was taken before the
magistrates of Glasgow, for plnying
cards during divine service. Tho ac
count of it is thus given in an English
Tho Sergeant commanded tho sol
diers at the chnrch, and when the
parson had read the prayers he took
the text. Those who hud Bibles took
them out; but tho soldier had neither
Bible nor Prayer Book; but pulling
out a pack of cards ho spread them
Uelore him. lie lirst looked at one
and then another. Tlie serceaut of
the company saw him and said :
"Richard, put up the cards; this is
no place for them.
' JNcver mind that, said Richard
When the services were over, tho
constable took Richard a prisoner,
and brought him before the Mayor.
"Well, what have you brought the
soldier here for?" said the Mayor.
"For playing cards in the cliurch."
"Wolf, soldier, what have you to
say for yourself?"
"Much, sir, 1 hope.
"Very good : if uot I will punish
"1 have been," said the soldier,
"about six weeks on the march.. I
have neither Bible nor Prayer Book.
1 have nothing but a pack ot cards,
and I hope to satisfy your worship of
the purity ot my intention.
ihen spreading the cards before the
Mayor, he began with the ace :
"When I see the ace it reminds rue
there is but one God.
'When I see the deuce it reminds
of Father aud Son.
"When I see the trny it reminds roe
of Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
"When I 9eo the four it reminds mo
of the four Evangelists that preached
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
"When 1 see the live it reminds me
of the five wiso virgins that trimmed
their lamps. There Were ten, but five
were .wise aud five were foolish, and
were shut out.
When 1 see the six it reminds me
that in six days the Lord made
Heaven and earth.
"When I see the seven it reminds
mo that on the seventh day God rested
from the trrcat work which He had
made and hallowed it.
"When I see the eitjht it reminds
me of tlia eight righteous persons who
were saved when God destroyed the
world, viz: Noah aud his wife, his
three sous and three wives.
"Wheji I see the nine it reminds Ine
of the nine lepers that were cleansed
by our Saviour. There were nine of
the ten who never returned thanks.
"When l see the ten it reminds me
of the ten Commandments which God
handed down to Moses on the tables
"When I see the King it reminds
me ot the Great King of Jlcaveu,
which is God Almighty.
"When I see the Queen it reminds
me of the Queen of Sheba, who visited
Solomon, for she was as wise a woman
as he was a man. She brought with
her tiily boys and fifty pirls, all dress
ed in boys' apparel, for King Solomon
to tell which were boys and which
were girls. The King sent for water
to wash. The girls washed to the
elbows and the boys to the wrists; so
King bolomon told by that.
Well," said the Mayor, "you have
described every card in tho pack ex
"What is that?"
"The knave," said the Mayor.
"I will give your honor a descrin
tion of that too, if you will not get
"I will not, if you do not term me
to be the knave, said Mayor.
"The greatest knave that I know of
is the constable that brought me down
"I do not know if he is the creates:
knave, but I know he is .the greatest
tool, said the Mayor.
"When 1 couDt how many spots
there are in a pack of cards, I find
three hundred aud sixty-five, as man
days as iu a year.
"When I count the number of card
in a pack, I count fifty-two tho num
ber ol weeks id a year.
"I find there are twelve picture
cards iu a pack, repsescntitig the num
ber ot months in a year and
counting the tricks I find thirteen
tho number of weeks in a quarter.
"So, you see a pack of cards serves
tor a isibio, Alumnae and Louimou
J he Paducah Jeu tells this story
for the truth of which it vouches: "A
professional gentleman well known i
this city had not seen his son for
long period of time, owing to the fact
that the latter retired to bed ere th
former returned home, and in th
morning the father left before the so
got out of bed. One morning the lady
ot me house mauaged to get the lathe
and son together at the breakfast table
and by way of a joke remarked ; 'Son
let mo introduce you to your father
'How do you do, father?' said the
hopeful J '1 don't remember ever hav
ing met you before, but I have heard
ma speak of you. "
Down Brakes I
"Ed." is a brakeman employed on
tho Chicago, Alton and St. Louis rail
road. He was married only a few
weeks ago. His wife has been wear
ing a piece of red flannel round her
neck for the past ten days, and com
plaining of a wry neck. This is how
it came to pass :
"Ed." had just been doing extra du
ty, taking a sick friend's train iu ad
dition to his own, aud so had not been
in bed lor lorty-eiciit hours. As a
matter of course he was nearly worn
out, and as soon as his supper had
been eaten he went to bed, to sleep,
perchance to dream. He was soon
locked in the arms of Morpheus and
Mary, and dreaming. Again his foot
as on his native platiorm, and he
heard the warning toot of the whistle
for breaks, lho shadow train bore
im swiftly on ; the telegraph posts
fleeted past quicker and quicker; the
hole country tied by like a pauorama
mounted on sheet-lightning rollers. In
is dream he heard far oil another
roar, and swinging out by the railings
he saw another train coming at light
ing speel around the curve. Both
trains were crowded, and in an
other moment they would rush togeth
er, and from the piles of ruin a cry of
agony would shiver to the tingliug
stars from the lips of the maimed and
dying, lhe engineer had seen their
anger, for at that moment, in his
ream, he heard the whistle-calling
for brakes sound loud and unearthly
With tho strength of desperation he
gripped the brake and turned it down
Ihere was a veil ot pain, and li.a
woke to find himself sitting up in bed
and holding his wife by the ears, hav-
ng almost twisted oil her head, lhats
low "Ed's" wife came to wear a piece
of red flannel round her throat and
complain of a wry neck. St. Louis
The Quartermaster General of the
army has just issued a circular giving
formation in retereuce to supplying
head-stones or head-blocks for the
graves in the National Military Cem
eteries. Under the act of Congress
30U,UUU are required, ana mere is an
appropriation ot gJUU.UUU to pay to
them, and as this is uot sufficient, an
extra appropriation will be asked fo
by the War Department lrom thencx
Congress. liach block or stono ot
known soldier is to be marked with
number of the crave, name of the sol
dier, rank, company, regimeut, and
date and place of death, lho Btones
or blocks for unknuwu soldiers are to
be inserted with the number and le
gend "Unknown United States Sol
dier." Proposals will be received fo
furnishing auy kind of stone for any
number ol graves, there being no con
ditions as relating to material, iron
stone, marble, wood or compositd com
ing under the bid. lhe Department
after receiving all of the samples, will
adopt the style that is best suited, i
their judgment, and have the same kin
of stone or block in all the National
Col. L. and a friend were ono day
walking the streets in Madison, ind
when the conversrtion turned upo
Irish wit. Col. L. said he doubted if
it were so off-handed as generally
thought. Ho believed that Irishmen
studied it up.
Let us prove it, said his friend,
"on the first Irishman we meet."
A young Irish lad of about eixteen
soon came in sight, walking towards
"Seize an arm," said his friend. They
separated, one passing each side of the
boy, each grabbed an arm. ,
"If tho devil should conio along
now, which of tho three would he1
take ?" shouted the friend.
"Me, to be sure," said Pat. "He's
sure o' yces auy time."
Tho question was settled.
A Western lawyer was accused of
being the owner of a dog which had
bitten a tet-ty old goutlenian in the
calf of the leg. Expectiug an action
for damages, the wag drew up the fol
lowing articles as tho ground for his
defence : 1st, by testimony in favor of
the general good character of my dog,
I can prove that nothing would make
him so forgetful of bis dignity as to
bite a calf; 2d, he is blind und cannot
see to bite; 3d, even if he could see to
bite, it would be utterly impossible for
him to go out of tho way to do so, on
account of ago, fatness and severe lame
ness; 4th, granting his eyes and legs
to be good, he had no teeth ; 5tli, my
dog died six weeks since ; 6th, I never
had a dog.
A one-legged Welsh orator, named
Jones, was pretty successful iu banter
ing an Irishman, when the latter asked
him. "How did you come to lose
your leg?" "Well," said Jones, "on
examining my pedigree, and looking
up my descent, I found there was some
Irish blood iu mo, and becoming con
vinced that it was settled In that left
leg, I had it cut oir at once." "Be
the powers," aid Pat, "it would have
been a douccd good thing if it had on
ly settled in your head."
A ferry muster at Sioux City, Iowa,
arrests people if they paddle their owu
cauocs ucross the stream.
How Joe Lost His Bet.
An old fellow named Joe Poole,
very eccentric and an incorrigible stut
terer, was a constant lounger at a
tavern in Watcrford.Mc.
One day a traveler from a distant
part of the State, arrived at the tav
ern and was met by an old acquaint
ance, a resident of tho town. After
some conversation on different topics,
tho traveler was addressed as follows:
"By the way, Brown, look out for
old Joe Poole to-night. You will
know him quick enough by hisstuttcr-
ng. lie will be sure to come around,
and offer to bet that you've not got a
whole shirt to your back. It you take
him up, you'll surely loose by a trick
he's got. He invariably lays his wager
and always wins."
"Very well, said the traveler, "1
will not let him get ahead of me.
Much obliged for tho caution."
lho. evening came, and a large
crowd was collected in the bar room.
Our friends were there, and old Joe
Poole was presented and in his ele
ment. "I tell you wh-what. You arc nice
ly dressed, but I'll bet you ten dollars
you haven't got a wh-whole shirt to
"1 11 take the bet, said tho stran
ger. "rut tne money in tne landlord s
This being done, the traveler pulled
ofT coat, and was about following suit
with his vest, when Joe cried out
"Ilo-ho-hold on. lou'velost! Ha
half your shirt is fr-front, and theoth
ha-half is on your ba-back I"
lhcre was a roar ot laughter, but
the new-comer did not mind it, but
pulled ofT his vest too, and quietly
turning his back to Joe displayed to
his astonished gazes a shirt neatly
folded and placed underneath his sus
Ut course, the laugh was turned up'
on Poole, who acknowledged that he
had lost the wager, lie never ottered
to bet again.
A forest of the great Sequaia, the
big tree ot California, has been di
covered in Keon county, in which the
trees are said to be larger than any in
the famous Mariposa and Callveras
groves. Mr. NordhofT writes from
this section : One tree was measured
and found to be 43 feet in diameter
so I was assured by tho person who
measured it, the owner of a saw mill
iu this timber region. I told the man
my hope that the saw mill owners
would spare these great trees. He re
plied : "We have to spare them, for
iuey are too big for us to haudle. W e
can use the smaller specimens, but ono
of these big fellows cannot be cut
down or sawed with any tools wo can
A happy couple started on their
bridal tour recently from Peoria, III.,
and the blushing young bride thrust
her head out of the car window as the
train started off and after looking
around for a moment or two, suddenly
jerked her head back with a quick ex
clamation, and buried her face in her
hands. Her loving, frightened hus
band sought to learn the cause of her
dismay, and offered feeble consolation.
After a considerable amount of coax
ing he elicited the cause of the trouble.
The lady had dropped her new set of
false teeth out ot the window, lhe
uulooked for event cast quite a gloom
over the entire journey.
As the worthy town crier of Nan
tucket was going his rounds on Toes
day afternoon, wben in front of one of
the boarding houses, he overheard a
young man request one of the lady
boarders, who was seated under an
upen window, to ask him where his
bell came from. The crier rang up,
and gave notice of what was to be
sold by auction, when the lady, in a
squeaky voice, said, "Mister, where
did your bell come from?" "My bell,"
retorted the crier in no gentle voice,
"came from the same place your man
ners did from a brass foundry." The
young lady asked no further questions.
A man in Oneida, N. Y., depends
on locturing for a living beyond any
other man we know of. His sister left
quite a property in trust for him ; but,
knowing him to be peculiar and to
spend it all, her will provided that he
should receive fivo dollars for every
lecture he should deliver. Aud so he
lectures morning, noon and night, as
opportunity offers, or a little audience
of children or adults can be gathered,
if it be only a complaisant family
group at a breakfast table.
A young lady iu Sau Francisco,
who was engaged to marry her cousin,
had bought her linen and plate and
marked it with a mutual monogram,
wheu the youth proved faithless aud
broke olf tho match. The devoted
mamma, horrified at the thought that
so much money should be wasted sailed
forth in Search of somebody possessing
the same initials as tho cousin. Sho
found him, uiadumoiselle married him,
and all is joy, peace silver and fine
Savannah has a young aud good
looking "burgl areas." The young fel
lows are very careless about leaving
their windows open at niht.
Crusoo's Island Colonized by Ger
At a distance of less than three
days' voyage from Valparaso, Chili,
aud nearly in the same latitude of this
importaut port, on lho coast of South
America, is tho island ot Juan rcr
nandaz, where once upon a time Alex
ander Selkirk, during a solitary ban
ishment of lour years, gathered the
material for DeFoe's "Robinson Cru-
:." This island, little thought of by
the inhabitants of the Chilcau coast-
land, has lately become of some inter
est by tho fact that in December, 18G9
it was ceded to a society of Germany,
under the guidance ot Hobert W ehr
ham, an engineer of Saxony, for the
purpose of colonization. The entre
preneur ot the expedition, Kobert
ehrhara, left Germany eleven years
ago, passed several years in England,
served as a mojor through the Ameri
can war, and was subsequently engaged
as engineer with the Ceropasco rail
road in bouth America. Ho and his
society, about sixty or seventy indi-
vniuais, nave mneu possession oi ine
island, which is described as being a
j l 1 ; i iL.
most fertile and lovely spot. They
found there countless herds of goats,
some thirty half-wild horses and sixty
donkeys, the tatter animals proving to
be exceedingly shy. They brought
withjthem cows and other cattle, swine,
numerous fowls, and nil tho various
kinds of agricultural implements, with
boats and fishing apparatus, to engage
in different pursuits and occupations.
The grotto, made famous as Robinson';
abode, situated in a spacious valley
covered with large fields of wild tur
nips a desirable food for swine has
been assigned to the hopeful young
Chilian gentleman to whom the charge
of tho porcine part of the society's
stock has been entrusted, and he and
his proteges are doing very well iu
their new quarters. Juan Fernandez
is one of the stations where whaling
vessels take water and food.
A people may be known by its ad
vertisements. In Pueblo, California,
the prevailing amusement ou Sunday
afternoons is a "chicken dispute." Iu
a recent number of tho Colorado
Chieftain the following announcement
was inserted among tho "business no
"Money loaned in moderate amounts
on short timo. 1 re-emptors tliusly ac
commodated. Office near where Sam
Hiii's rooster got killed. R. K. Swift
A little girl in a New Yolk orphan
asylum quarreled with another girl
aud scratchtd her face. For this she
was punished aud required to learn
and repent a verse from the iSibie, be
ing allowed to make her own stice
tion. She ch'-se the first verse of the
Psalms, 144, which is as follows:
"Blessed be the Lord my strength,
which teitchcth my hands to war, aud
my fingers to fight."
A clergyman in a Lawrence church,
on a recent occasion, discovered, after
commencing the service, that ho had
forgotten his notes. As it was too lute
to send for thorn, he said to his audi
ence, by way of apology, that this
morning ho should depend upon the
Lord for what ho might say, but iu
the afternoon he would come better
A fellow iu Norwich was bitten by
a dog. As soon as ho ucuvered from
his fright ho declared he would kill
the animal. "But tho dog isn't mad,"
said tho owner. "Mad 1" shouted tho
victim, cxasperatingly, "what in thun
der has ho to get mini about?" He
evidently misconstrued lho explana
tion. The idea of reclaiming the Colorado
desert by means of artesian wells has
been broached. It is thought that a
large subterranean stream runs uuder
the desert, and that all that is neces
saiy is to bore deep enough to strike
it. Congress will bo applied t for a
graut as a recompense for boring these
The other night a young man pro
pounded tho usual question to the idol
of his heart. Sho laid her soil white
hitud iu his, put ber head upon his
manly shoulder, hove a sweet sigh of
resignatioi., and iu dulcet accent?,
that sounded like sweet music upon
the waters, whispered, "yes anything
to beat Grunt."
A young woman once married a
man by the name of Dust, against the
wish of her parents. After a short
time they began to quarrel, aud she
attempted to return to her fiither's
house, but ho refused to receive her,
saying, "Dust thou art ami unto Dust
thou shalt return." And she got up
Rector's Daughter "Well, Dennis,
how are you getting on? How do you
like your now master ?'' Deuins
"Faith, Miss, I duuno. R. D. "lie's
a very kind and excellent man ; you
can't do too much for him!" Dennis
"An' shure, Miss, I dou't mane to!"
"Tho whole thing has gono to the
devil," said a gentleman of somo un
fortunate speculation. "Never mind,"
said Jcrrold, "you'll get it back when
Hicrocles, who lived in the sixth
century, collected twenty -one jests tin-,
the general title of the Pedants, and
in this fossil jest-book wo find jokes
that have been handed down through
succcecding collections and have be
come old familiar friends. Among
these ancient jests is tho account of
the man, who, for fear of drowning,
determined not to enter the water un
til he was master of the art of swim
ming; of tho man who complained
that his horso died just as he had
taught it to live without food ; of tho
philosopher who carried a stono about
him a as specimen of his house; of one
who stood before a glass with his eyes
shut to see how he looked when he
was asleep ; of the man who bought a
cow to see whether it would live two
hundred years; and of One who went
into a boat on horseback, because ho
was in a hurry. Here we find the
evcrnew story of a man who meeting
a frieud, asked whether it was ho or
bis brother, who was buried ; aud tho
blundering excuse of the person who,
not having attended to the request of
a friend, said when he met him, "I'm
sorry I never received the letter which
you wrote to me about tho books."
Rev. Mr. Hartly, of Philadelphia,
must, we should imagine, have como
fresh from tho perusal of Hicrocles
when ho forwarded to M. liners last
year one of the original bricks of In
dependence Hall in that city, "with
the earnest prayer that the legislators
of beautiful Fiance may derive from
it such an ispiration as shall lead them
to erect a republic, whose dignity,
justice and purity shall be the admira
tion ot our ago, and which shall provo
a model for other natious in securing
tho rights and liberties of their peo
ple." Said Mr. Buckalow before he thought
of running on the Democratic ticket:
"I know Gen. Ilartranft well, both as
a public officer aud a man. As Audi
tor General ho has shown himself a
most faithful, upright, efficient and ac
commodating officer and would make
a good Governor."
The deacon of a church, upon whom
a pastor had been settled, was praising
bis many good qualities to the deacon
of a neighboring cliurch. He declared
that their new minister had but one
fault in the world, aud that was a pro
pensity to become a little quarrelsome
when he was drunk.
A small boy arose at a Sunday
school concert and began quite glibly:
"A certain man went down from Jeru
salem to Jericho and fell aud fell"
Here his memory began to fail him.
"And and fell by tho roadside, and
thorns sprand up and choked hira.
Dumas, perc, was ono
day asked to contribute ten francs for
the funeral of a bailiff who had died
in destitute circumstances. "What!"
exclaimed tho great novelist, J'teu
francos for burying a bailiff! Here
aro one hundred francs bury ten."
A Tekin (Illinois) woman was
asked by the preacher if her husband
feared the Lord. Sho replied, "Fear
Him ! Why, bless you, he is so 'feared
of Him, that he never goes out of tho
house on Sundays without taking his
A witness, in describing certain
events, said : "Tho person I saw ut
the head of the stairs was a man with
ono eye named Jacob Wilkins."
"What was tho namo of his other
eye?" spitefully asked the opposing
A comical sentence occurs in tho
programme of a concert lately given
by M. Gcnnod, in London, the eighth
number being thus dscribed, "Soug
'Sho Wandered Down the Mountain
Side,' accompanied by tho composer."
A fellow who was feeling tho effect
of too much corn juice, in Charleston,
Mo., was asked by a passerby if ho
was sick, when ho became angry ,and re
plied : "Sick? You fool, do you sup
pose I'm doing all this for fun."
Smith when asked whether he had
been seriously injured by the explo
sion of the boiler of a steamer replied
"that he was so used to being blown
up by his wife, that a mere steamer
bad uo effect upon him."
I never saw such a cold woman as
Mrs. is," said an envious beauty
of another tlio other eveuiug. "I feel
quite confident thut she must givo her
husband a cold iu the head whenever
she kisses him."
John Wesley used to say: "Oh how
hard it Is to be shallow enough for a
genteel congregation." Ministers seem
to have little ditliculty of that kind in
There is nothing liko a good defini
tion, as tho teacher thought when ho
explaiued the meaning of "old maid"
as a woman w ho had been made a very
A girl iu Casco, Michigan, thought
It tino sport to frighten ber mother
with a guu, uud now fch.o has uo mol ti
er to fiightcu.
A Chicago dry goods dealer adver
tises "The mott alarming sacrilices
since the days of Abraham and Iaae."