The Forest Republican. (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, September 05, 1871, Image 2
Rates of Advertising. - One SqnaTe(I Inch,) one insertion....! I 60 OiieHqiiare " one month .. S 00 One S'unre three months... B 0 One Square " one year 10 00 Two Squares, one year IS 00 Quarter Col. 80 0i Half " " ee One " " -...100 00 ' Business Cards, not exceeding one Inch in length, $10 per year. Legal notices at established rates. These rates are low, and no deviation will be made, or discrimination among patrons. The rates offered are such, s will make it to the advantage of men doii.g business in the limits of the circulation of the paper to advertise liberallv. . ti rWRLIflUtD EVERY tUESDAY, BY FOREST W. R. DUNN. MIm In KrvV Building, Kln Streot 'TERMS, 2.00 A YE A. ft. Ho Subscription! received for a shorter period than throe month. " Let us have Faith that Right makes Might ; and ln that Faith' let us to the end, dare do our duty as we understand W--LINCOLN. Correiondonce solicited from all parts ef the ODiintry. No notice will bo takon of intouyuioiu communications. Marriages anj Death notices inserted gratis. ' . " , VOI IV. NO. 22. TIONESTA, PA:, TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER-5, 1871. $2 PER ANNUM. At . I k v i -v ,1 v'j i 7 '.V BUSINESS DIRECTORY. Tl ON EST A LODQEi-KO. 477. in. o. a-, t. Meet every Wednesday evening, at 8 o'clock, W. It. DUNN, W. C. T. M. W. TATE, W. H. . . WBWTOlt PBTTIS. MILS9 W. TAT. ' . PETTIS A TATE, ft ATTORNEYS AT LAW, . A'bft Street, TIOXESTA,rA. Isaac Ash, A TTOTlNEY AT LAW- Oil City. P. ,A Will practice In'the various Courts of forest uoumy. All business enirimtou to alt rare will receive prompt attention. 10 ly W. W. Mason, KYATLAW. on A TTORNKY AT LAW. Office on Kim Street, above Walnut, Tlonosta, Pa. C. W. Gllflllan, ATTORN KY AT LAW, Franklin, Ve nango Co., Pa. tf. - N. B, Smiley, . : ' i ATTORNEY AT LAW, Petroleum Cen tra, Pa. Will practice in Uia several uurbi of Forest County, U5-ly W. P, Mercllllott, Attorney at Law. XI E ll. E NT AT 13 AC EXT. T I ONES TA, FA, Jorn K. Haliock, ' A TTORNKY AT LAW and Solicitor of Jl Patents, No. 666 French street(opposite Hood House) Krio, Pa, Will practice in the several State Court and tho United titatea Courts. Special attention given to soliciting patents for Inventors ; Infringe ments, re-issue and extension of patents carefully attended to. Itoferoncoa: lion. James Campbell, Clarion j lion. John R. - McCalnionL Franklin ; II. L. t A. B. Jtlolimond.Moadvillo; W. E. Lathy. Ti- neeta. .27 v .:t i t Tlonwt House. M.'1TTLE, Proprietor, Kim St,, Tio- nexta. Pa., at the mouth of the creek, i Mr. litla lias thoroughly ronovated the ';' Vionesla House, and re-furnished it com Jietely, All who- pntronir.e him will be . . woll entertained at reoaonablo rates. 20-ly FOREST HOUSE, . BLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposite Court- lloiiNe. Tronosta. Pa. Just opened. Everything new and clean and fresh. The bent of liquors kept constantly on hand.-. A portion of Uiu public patron go is respoctfully solicited. 4-17-ly Holmes House, , r HIONESTA. PA., opposite the Depot. X C. 1). Mahie, Proprietor. Good (Sta lling coniioctod with the house. tf. . ; Syracuse House, Tl DIOUT K, Pa., J. A D Madkh, Propio tors, The house has been thoroughly refitted and Is now in the lint-class order, with tho best of accommodations. Any nformation concerning Oil Territory at this point will be cheerfully furnished. , . -ly J. D. MAGEE, Exchange Hotel, LOWER TIDIOUTE, Pa., D.'.S. Rams DKKt A Sow Prop's. This house having "been rotited is now the most desirable stop f tag place in Tldioute. A good Billiard Kooin attached. 4-ly National Hotel, ' TRYINETON, PA. W. A. Hallonback, . Projirietor. This hotel la New, and is ow open as a first class house, situate at ne junction of the Oil Creek A Allegheny .' itivor and Philadelphia A Erie Railroads, pposite the Depot. Parties having to lay ver trains will And this the most conven- ' ' eut hotol in town, with first-class accom nodations and reasonable charges. tf. JEWELRY STORE. 9IORIUS, Late of Rrady'a Bond, has located in Tionosta, and is prepared to do all kinds of work,iu tho line of repairing . Clocks, Watches Jewelry, &o., In frood style and warranted to give satis faction. Watches, Jewelry, Ac, will be J;rt in care of 1. H. Knox, who will be re , jiponHiUio fbr thoir aufb -return. - lS-ly. ; K. E. MORRIS. . i . . SLOAN & VAN GIESEN. ; ' " ' - AND WAG ON -MAKERS. Corner of Church ami Elm Streets, . TIQXKBTV, 3?A. -This Arm is prepared to do all work ln its lino, und will warrant everything done attUoir shops to s've satiaiaution. Par ticular attention given Us ... IJOILSliIIOEIXt, Olvothem atrial, and you will not re gret it. 13-ly. JOHN A. DALE, PREI'T. SNA. PBOPR, VICIPRE8T. A. H. STEELE, CASHR, TIOITESTA SAVINGS BANK, Tlonestu, Forest Co., Pa. Thla Bank tranailH a General Banking, ColltH'ting and lOx'-lmngo Jiuainoss, DralX.1 ou the i'lincipal Cities of the United KUtcs and Europe bought and sold. Gold and Silver CViu and Government Securities bought and sold. 7-30 ltouds .converted on the nioht favorable terms. Interest allowed oil time deposits. Mar. 4, tf. OUHSC1UHK forthe Forest Republicrn OltwlUtwy. Dr. J. L. Acorrb, PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, who has had fifteen years' experience in a large and successful practice, will attend all Professional Calls. Ofllco in his Drug and Grocery Store, locatod in Tidloute, near iiuiouie House. IN HIS STORE WILL BE FOUND A full assortment of Medicines. Llnuora Tobacco, Cigars, Stationery, Glass, Paint, Oils, Cutlery, and lino Groceries, all of tho best quality, and will bo sold at reasonable rates. II. R. BURGESS, an experienced Drug (t 1st from New York, has charge of the store, ah prescriptions put up accurately. TifTt Sons 9l Co.'s NEW ENGINES. The nnderslgnod have for sale and will receive orders for the above Engine. Messrs. Tiflrt Sons A Co, are now sending to this market their 12 Horse Power Engine with 11-Horse Power Boiler peculiarly adapted to deep wells. Opfk'KS at Duncan A Chalfant's, dealers In Woll Fixtures, Hardware, Ac, Main St. next door to ('base House, l'lcasantvllle, and at Mansion House, ritusvuie. tf. K. BRETT A SON, Agent Jos. Y. Saul, DRACTICAL Harness Maker and Sad- -I dler. Three doors north of Holuios House, Tiouesta, Pa, All work is war ranted. tf. NOTICE. DR. J. N. B0LARD, of Tldiouto, has returusd to his practice after an ab sence of four months, spent in the Hospi tals of New York, where .he will attend calls in his profession. Ollice in Kureka Drug Store, 3d door luove lue oaiiK, iiuiouie, i a. r.nr GREAT EXCITEMENT! t the.Store of D. S. KNOX, & CO., ; Elm St., tonesta Pa. in . We are In dally receipt 01 the argeatand MOST COMPLETE stock QROCEIIIES and ; piiovisioxs, EVER BROUGHT TO THIS MARKET BOOTS & SHOES! FOR TUB ILLIONS! which we are determined to sell regardless of prices. . AND House Furnishing Goods, Iron, Nails, Machine tools, Agricultural Implements, Ac, Ac,, Ac., which we offer at greatly re duced prices. FURNITURE! FURNITURE ! ! of all kinds, PARLOR SUITS, CHAMBER SETS, LOUNGES, WHATNOTS, SPRING BEDS, MATRESSES, LOOKING GLASS ES, Ac, Ac, Ac, In ENDLESS VARIETY. Call and sec, 7-tf D. S. KNOX. A CO. REDUCTION OF PIUCES TO CONFORM TO REDUCTION OF DUTIES GREAT SAVING TO CONSUMERS. BY GETTING UP CLUBS. VaRoiid for our new Price List and a Club Form will aciniii.iuy it, continuing fuil directions making a large saving to consumer and remunerative club orgun izera The Cireat American Tea Company, lil A Si VESKV STREET, P. O. Box 564.1. KKW YORK. 12 4t WANTED AGENTS FOU TrJumphs of Eaterppts, BY JAMES PARTON.. A New Bofjk. 700 octavo pases, woll illustrated, intensely interesting, and very instructive. Exclusive terriuiry given. Our Terms am the ino.it Libers!. Apply to us, and sco if they are not. A. S. II 1 I tf At t Tl Hi..?..-.!" f...... The trials of a young widower up iu Windham county, Vt., in trying to gt "help," are readily told by an ex change. At last, almost discouraged, he drew up in front of a email dwell ing among the hills, and asked the customary question, "Can you tell me where I can get a woman to do the work in a farm house?" "Where are y from V asked the old man, viewinjf th handsome horse and buggy with a cler ical air. "My name is r-. and I am from ." "Oh yes! I've heard of you ; you lost your wife a spell ago. Wall, I've got six gal-good gals too, and you may take a pick among 'em for a wife ; but they wouldn't none of em think ot going out ter .work. should full as live! you should take Hannah, because she s the oldest, and her chance am t quito so good, seem as she's nigh-sighted and can't hear very weJ ; but if you don t want her, you enn take your pick of the others." Our friend went in, selected the best looking one, drove to the justice and was married, and carried his bride homo that very night, having secured a permanent and efficient housekeeper, who proves thus far in every way sat isfactory, withuo question of wages, ana no limit to ine work she is expect ed to do. Not long since a caso was tried in the Supreme Court in a neighboring county, says me fortiana (3le; tress, in which the genuineness of the signa tures to a number of promissory notes was contested. One witness, who wit nessed the signatures to the notes, pro nounced las name as appearing on one Hn .aigei uuiua u lorgery. xne auie experts declared that they could see no difference iu the autographs. The witness stoutly presisted that the one he designated was a forgery. Careful testa were applied. The notes were Bhuffled and dealt to him. and he In. stantly picked out the fraudulent pa per. Evarv test which the ineennitv of the lawyers could devise was ap plied, with the same result, and the case went to the jury. After the case was closed one of the counsel gave me papers a caretul examination, when it was found that the disowned signature had been punctured with a pin between the letters, but the mark wat so exceedingly small that it had escaped a score of prying eyes; yet to the witness experienced vision it was "plain as a pikes tall. Ilall'i Journal- of Health sensibly 3 rt uiscourses: cummer showers frequent ly overtake persons and "wet them to the 6km;' it is then safer to walk steadily and .rapidly on, -hntil the clothe become dry again.than stop un der the shelter and remain there still uuiu me btorni is over, it home is reached while the clothing is yet wot, take some hot drink instantly, a pint or more ; go to the kitchen fire, re move every garment, rub the whole body with; a coarse towel or flannel, put on woolen underclothing, get into bed, wrap up warm, and take another hot drink ; then go to sleep, if at night, if in the day time, get up in aa hour, dress, and be active for the remainder of the day. Suppose you sit still in the damp clothing; in a few minutes chilliness is observed, the cold "strikes in," and next morning there is a vio lont cold, or an attack of pleurisy or pneumonia which, if not fatal iu a week or month it requires years to get rid of it. The short, sharp rule should be, if the clothing gets wet, change iustautly, or work or walk ac tively, briskly, until perfectly dry. A Saratoga correspondent writes thus: "A paper lies before me announc ing the death of a once eminent clergy man. He died in an obscure village in Canada. He was settled in the city . of New York. His society was rich, large, and fashionable. He rode on the wave of popular favor. Crowds attended his ministry, and his pay was large. In the height of his popularity a letter was received by tho principal warden of the church late one Satur day night, announcing his resignation, and saying that he had sailed for Europe that day. No reason was as signed, and tho parish were iu a state of great excitement. After a time the pastor came back. His reasons for his course were stranger than his con duct. The principal one was that he was subject to black mail, and he could endure it uo longer. He was soon settled in an adjoining city, over an important charge. His popularity was renewed. Uut soou lie left, went to Canada, took the place of an assist ant minister in a small thorge, and tbare he died. His secret died with him." A parallel of Vallaudingham's fate is found in one of Coccoccio's novels of a girl and her lover : They were in the garden together, tho young mnn raised a flower to his lips and slightly bit one of the leaves; he full; iu an instant ho was dead. Fho who was accused of poisoning the man she loved best on earth, besought her judge to be allowed to revisit the fatal garden, promising that she would show them how the thing was done. They grant ed her prayer. "It was thus," tfbesaid iluckiug a flower. She put it to her ips, her lips just pressed a leaf; in an stunt she was a corpse. Head gardener artificial floiH. ' Two negroes, bargaining for some land, the price of which. was $900, said they ha J only half so much money. "Very well," said the land agent, "I'll take $450 down, and a mortgage on the balance in one year." Sambo scratched his head a moment and replied : "I say, boss, 'spose a fel hain't got no morgitch?" The agent explained, but the darkey couldn't see it, and disclaimed the ownership of a single"in6rgitch." The other darkey here came to the rescue, and "lucidated the pint" Says he : "Sambo, don't you know what a morgitch is ? Den I'll tell yer. A mor gitch is jest like dis yer. 'Spose yer pays de boss $450 down; den yer gives yer word on de honor of a nigger that yer'll pay him the udder $4o0 in a year. Den 'spose on de last day of de year yer pays tie boss $449 and don't pay de udder dollar, why den de mor gitch says de boss can jes take all de money and de land, and you don't hab nuflin not a cent. Golly, boss a morgitch makes A nigger mitey hon est." A correspondent writes to a , cotera porary the following about some of the curious popular names given to the Hew York churches : "Plymouth Church is called simply 'Beecher's.' Dr. Storr's Church, owing to the pecu liar form of the steeple, is known as the 'Church of the Holy Corncob.' Mr. Talmadge'8 Tabernacle is called the 'Church of the Hippodrome.' One of the Old School Churches, stiff in doctrine, is known as the 'Old Fur nace.' A Baptist Church which makes a specialty of the ordinance, announc ing it ever Sunday, is known as the 'Church of the Holy Bath.' A Uni tarian Church, a low building, with iu different parts drawn out like a tele scope, is called the 'Church of the Holy Turtle.' Dr. Bellows' Church, built of alternate layers of red and white, is known as tho 'Church of the Holy Ze bra.' To raise funds to pay off a church debt one of our religious socie ties held a fair, at which dancing was made prominent. The society was im mediately christened the 'Church of St. Vitus.'" - - The latest story from Massachusetts comes from Lynn, and is of a battle between toads and frogs. The contest is thus described by the man who saw it in a pond in that neighborhood : "Around the margin of the pond, in the water, there was a large collection of common toads ; close : beside them was an equally large gathering of bull frogs, and a battle between the two wa9 in progress. The frogs, being the most powerful, were busily engaged in drowning the toads. One or more frogs would seize a toad and hold his head under water until he was drowned. Sometimes a frog would find that he was overniatcheed. and then he would utter a peculiar sound, when one or more ot his comrades would come to his aid, and the toad was sure to go under, never to riso again. This bat tle coutmued for several minutes, un til tho toads were competely. 'ol caned out, when the frogs joined in one tri umphal croak, as though they had achieved a victory over mortal enemies, The scene was a most singular one, and :i. i , ,. ' bucu as is rareiy wunesseu. A curious story is told of three young candidates for a Scottish minis try. I he first one put upon his trial, wane putting on bis robes, happened to descry an ancient-looking, well-worn rou oi paper, wnicn provea to be a sermon upon the text, "Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents." Seeing mat ine oia sermon was much better than his new one, the aspirant to pul pit honors took posessioo of it, deliv lt as his own, and then returned it to its old restiug place; The sermon was a good one, and pleased the hearers, although they would have preferred one delivered without book. Great was their astonishment the followincr Sunday, when preacher No. 2 treated them with the same sermon from the same text; but it was too much for Scottish patience when a third minister, failing into the same trap, commenced his sermon by announcing that "Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents:" and one old woman relieved the feel ings of her fellow-sufferers by exclaim ing: "De'il dwell him 1 is he never gaun to nit r A short time ago a lady and eentle- uian were murried very quietly iu tho country, and proceuded iu their car riage to spena the honeymoon among the lukes, the gentleman giving strict orders to his Irish footman on no ac count to stato to inquirers that they were newly married. When leavinir the first inn on the road the happy couple were much astonished and an noyed to find the servants all assem bled, and, pointing to the gentleman, mysteriously exclaiming, "That's him ? That's the man!" Ou reaching the next stage the indignant master told his servant that he had divulged what he had iiuprt&sed upon him as a secret, and had told the servants at the last iun they were a new married couple. "Be jubers, an' it's not true, yer hon or, replied the servant ; "I tould the whole kit that ver honor . and honor's lady (God bless her!) wouldn't be married yet ior a fortnight! ' A round sum ?0, Mayne Reid, the prolifio author of wild stories for little and big children, Was onc a gallant soldier, and dis tinguished himself in the Mexican war. After tho capture of tho City of Mex ico, he was wont to empty his trunk in adorning his person before calling up on Guadaloupe, and while so doing would stir up his enthusiasroby recit ing poetry, much to the wrath and dis gust of his brother officers, who had no loves. ' One day while J dressing he roared out: "At midnight, ln his guarded tent, The Turk lay dreaming of the hour When Greece, her knees--" "I say, lieid," interrupted Ned Mar shall, "why did they grease her knees?" "What?;.'...- "You said 'grease her knees.' Now, the question that agitates the country is, why did they grease her kness?" The gay lieutenant gazed for a mo ment in blank amazement, then said sternly: . "You're a fool." A duel was the consequence, in which Ned Marshall got the worst of it - . , Cousin Norma is responsible for the following concerning Jim Smith and Johnny Greene, who after having had a grand bout one night, concluded to go home. Arriving at Smith's house, which they knew by some peculiarity that even a drunken man couldn't mis take, they commenced to shout : . "Missus Sum hie mithl Ho, Mis-sus-mith!" "What do you want,, you drunken brutes !" shouted Mrs. Smith from the window, "Ern yourn Miss Mith ?" "Yes I am. Who are you and what do you want T" "Ef yer Missus Sum hie ith, co!2 'ere and pick out Missur Smith, for Johcny Greene wants to go-ome." A member of the Arkansas Legisla ture, who goes for economy ia public expenditure, iu pcaking of an ex travagant appropriation, indignantly exclaimed: "Gentlemen, talk about 'adequate compensation of public ser vants.' Why, sir, during the late war I was in thirty-seven battles, was .wounded thirteen times' in the cause of the South, and the entire pay I re $30 in Confederate money, every cent - 1 1-T n I ji it oi wnicn i. gave ior one glass oi Old rye whisky." " A down East farmer, known far and wide by bis. patriotio title had a neighbor who was in the habit of work ing on Sundays, but after a while this babbath breaker joined the church One day our friend met the minister to whose church he belonged, "Well, Uncle Sam" said he, "do you see any difference in R. since he joined the church ?" "Oh yes," said uncle Sam, "a great differepce. Before, when he went out to mend his fences on Sunday he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he carries it under his coat. Miss Jane, daughter, and Mrs. Ava, wife of Brigham Young, have been stopping at Saratoga for a few days. The Saratoga Sun says : "The wife is a fair, wholesome looking woman, and the daughter really a beauty. She is of good size, fair complexion, rosy cheeks,- flashing dark eyes, plump, pretty figure, pouting cherry red lips, which gave at least one Saratoga young man a good, healthy, fragrant, sweet smack right on the mouth at parting. We learned that Miss Jane was not daughter to Mrs. Ava." Some time since a Northern Ver mont clergyman visited New York, and was invited to fill a city pulpit He knew nothing about quartette choirs, and had never heard a cnurch organ. After the first hymn showed him what the organ prelude was, he announced the second as follows: "The audience will now join with me iu singing a good old Methodist hymn, and those fellows running that bag of wind in the gallery will plcaso not in terrupt." j A short time since E. E. Hawley, baggage master ou the express train on tho Hartford and New Haven railroad, was badly injured by a heavv I trunk fulling upou him. His wife was so affected by the news sent by tele graph that she dropped dead. The unfortunate and doubly afflicted mau was taken to his dosolate home, where within a week a time he witnessed the death of his only child. Dr. G , of Sycamore, Illinois. riding in the country saw a sign upou a gate-post, reading thus : "This farm for sail." Stopping his horse, ho hailed a little woman who stood on tiptoe, hanging out clothes. "I say, madam, wheu is it going to sua: "Just as soon," replied the old lady, placing her thumb to her nose, "as oybody conies along who cau raise the wind." The doctor drove thought fully on. One of our modern poets has the following fine line: "Oh, she was fair, but sorrow came and left its traces there!" What becamoof the remain der of the harness tie does uot state. A Ci'Kious Case. The geutlemau whose countenauce full ou hearing of tho loss of his properly, is beginning to picK up a bit, ana hopes eoou to put a good line on it. An old farmer went into a drug store a short time ago, after an alma nac. He was banded one of Javne's, but indignantly refused, tnying that it was a d d hurobng. "Last year," said be, : "I lost a couple of tons of hay by one of his almanacs. The book said it would be pleasant on a certain day, and I left my grass out and lost it. I won't have either his almanac or his medicine." And so the old chap took another sort. "I once dreamed," said Tat, "that I called upon the President, an he axed me wud I drink; I tould him I didn't care if I tuk a drop of punch. 'Could or hot?' axed the President. 'Hot, yer excellency,' said I; and ho stepped down in tho kitchen for some bil in' water, and before he got back I woke strate up, and now its diatressin' me that I didn't take it could 1" A good story is told of a Nathua, N". II., physician, who recently vaccinated a family of twelve persons and charged twelve dollars. A few days thereafter he took a dozen cabbage plants iu part pay, as he supposed, but upon final settlement learned, to his surprise, that Mr. Farmer charged doctor's prices "one dollar a head," For a specimen of logical consecu tion of ideas we venture to commend this from a school-boy's composition : 'Tobacco was invented by a man named Walter Raleigh. When the people first saw him smoking they thought he was a steamboat, and as they had never seen a steamboat they were frightened." A Collinsville, Ct, man who had for years suffered rheumatism and been unable to labor, recently lent a hand in extinguishing a burning barn and was thoroughly drenched with wa ter, remaining wet three hours. To his astonishment he now finds himself entirely cured of his disease. They have a severe attack of rail road fever at Puget Bound. One of the papers closes a long article with : "Then blow, ye winds! put your shoul ders to the wheel, ye steam-gods I and hasten on the time for which we are looking, longing, dying 1," A gentleman said to an old lady who had brought up a family of chil dren near the Merrimack river, "1 should think you would have lived in constant fear that some of them would have got drowned." "Oh, no," respond fed the old lady, "we only lost throe or lour that way. In some recent discussion societies they debated strange questions. The last was : "What ia the difference be tween the 'Brldgo of Sighs' and the size of a bridgo ?'' The next is to be "The difference between a fao-simile and a sick-family." ' A gentleman from Boston on a visit to his friend in the country, speaking of the times, observed that his wifo had lately expended fifty dollars for a 1. -1. : ir: l i nrr uauii.. j.xib uieiiu repiieu, nore, in the country we don't allow our wives to get into such habits. . Infuriated Commanding Officer of tue Dmith uuard. "Ill, there; get away, you madman get away from the target I" Easy-Minded Luntic "Hold on, guv nor, 1 ain t as mad as I look. X was here all day yesterday and found it much the safest place in mo lieid. A Rhode Island man married Massachusetts girl ; last Thursday he went noma unexpectedly, and threw s fellow, whom he found running connu biai opposition to him, out of a two story window. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, it he would have a Jicrht "No, child," says the doctor, "I am one of the lights of the world." "I wish, then," replied the boy, "you were hung at tno enu ot our alley, lor it is a very oar it one. "January." a New York D-nmbler being rial broke ono night, nut a loz enge on the queen, and the dealer, mistaking it lor a split check, paid the bet. From this beginning he took $1,000 out of the bank that night. uny cut your own heir on with a shilling when you cau got a barber to cut your hair off for you and shampoo . wrt L . n. ... you into ine bargain lor that very moderate sum? A couple who were recently married in New Orleans, announced "No wed ding cards, no bridal tour, no honey moon." They evidently mean busi ness. There iu a lad of our acquaintance who regards hunger and the chasten ing rod as about the same thing; both make him holler. This is the latest contribution to piscatorial study by the board of edu cation ; Question What is tho cause of the salines of the water of the ocean ? Answer The cod-fish. A French docter has written a lifo of tho devil, including Lis subject' essays on political economy and what ho knows about warming. The editor of an Eastern paper hav ing received a buuk-noto detector, re turns thanks, and modestly asks for sonio bauk-notes upon which to test ill- lu'cutaev. The worst thing out out of temper. The best thing out out of debt, A hard-set Illinois thief recently stole the lightning-rod off a church. Coming to Grief Meeting trouble half-way. Ah Bung is the name of a Chinese pugilist in San Francisco. Two Virginia) farmers fought a duel with a scythe and an axo. . What have you to expect at hotels ? Inn attention Tennyson is again Idyling away his time. Det. Free Press. The London underground railway cost four million dollars a mile. An Illinois church was carried bodi ly six miles on a freight car. His girl "shook him" and ho jumped into the river at Quincy, 111. . A new German fiction unfolds ita slow length in nine volumes. An English lady has been sued for breach of promise by a farmer. A Model for a bust almost any pat ent boiler model. Low. Cour. An Atlanta negro owns to having had eight, wives and sixty-four chil dren. . . A gentlemanly New Orleans thief returned a wedding ring he had stolen. Illinois chickens scratched up a gold watch that was lost seventeen year ago. Wachtel, the German tenor, was once a hack driver; now he's ou the stage. Wrhy is the sun lika a good loaf? Because it is light when it rises. What is that which is so brittle that if you name it you are sure to break it? Silence. " , ' ' ' , .' What is it that goes up the hill and down the hill, and yet never moves? The road.. .... What drink should sailors be fond of? Port. ' Why should the speaker of the House wear spectacles? Bocause so many ' attempts are made to "catch his eye." , What is the difference between an egg-shell and a physican? One is M T and the other is M. D. . - Which is the most appropriate drink for fops? Spruce. When ia theatrical mannager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new star. Why are young ladies so partial to sunset and twilight? Because they a ro daughters of Eve. Spurgeon thinks sorao ministers would make good martyrs they are so dry they would burn well. At a recent marriage in Illinois, tho 4he groom was forty and the bride twelve and halt years of age. . A Swimming-master may sometimes be said to be literally immersed in business. The Chicago Republian calls this "an explodemical season for kerosene lamps." ' Thirty years ago there were not twenty wood engravers in the United States. Now there are four hundred. Tall gentleman should beware of the habit of kissing little ladies, as it might iu time make them round-shouldered. If a man has carroty hair and a tur nip nose, with a radish complexion, must he necessarily have vegetable marrows in his bones ? A carpenter named Frank Marklry fell from the roof of a barn in Wash ington township, a few days ago, re ceiving serious injuries. A journal certifies to the existanco of a young lady who took out fifty- seven hair pins from her coiffure and yet her hair did not come down. - Victoria's daughter, Crown Princess of Prussia, is growing fat, like her mother. She is 31 years old, and has given birth to six chrildren. The two new Roman Catholic Cathe drals in New York city will cost $4,- 000,000 each. "That the way tho money goes." There are manv newspapers that make little noise in the world ; but the ladies will testify that they cau make a great "bustle New York and New Jersey people drink more beer than thoso of any other two States tho yearly average consumption being 248 glasses for ev ery man, woman, and child. Wheu a man aud a Christian bruj- dor runs away with the Church plate at Memphis, oue deacon catehos him and holds hiiu whilo another fixes him for the coroner. A young gentleman of PittsfleM, Muss, has reccutly involved himself in liluculty by stealing empty bottles from tho buck door of a drug store, and then carrying them round to tho front door uud selling thciu to tho Wlti'T. '