Rates of Advertising. -
One SqnaTe(I Inch,) one insertion....! I 60
OiieHqiiare " one month .. S 00
One S'unre three months... B 0
One Square " one year 10 00
Two Squares, one year IS 00
Quarter Col. 80 0i
Half " " ee
One " " -...100 00
' Business Cards, not exceeding one Inch
in length, $10 per year.
Legal notices at established rates.
These rates are low, and no deviation
will be made, or discrimination among
patrons. The rates offered are such, s
will make it to the advantage of men doii.g
business in the limits of the circulation of
the paper to advertise liberallv.
. ti rWRLIflUtD EVERY tUESDAY, BY
FOREST
W. R. DUNN.
MIm In KrvV Building, Kln Streot
'TERMS, 2.00 A YE A. ft.
Ho Subscription! received for a shorter
period than throe month.
" Let us have Faith that Right makes Might ; and ln that Faith' let us to the end, dare do our duty as we understand W--LINCOLN.
Correiondonce solicited from all parts
ef the ODiintry. No notice will bo takon of
intouyuioiu communications.
Marriages anj Death notices inserted
gratis. ' . " ,
VOI IV. NO. 22.
TIONESTA, PA:, TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER-5, 1871. $2 PER ANNUM.
At
. I
k
v
i
-v
,1
v'j
i
7
'.V
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
Tl ON EST A LODQEi-KO. 477.
in. o. a-, t.
Meet every Wednesday evening, at 8
o'clock,
W. It. DUNN, W. C. T.
M. W. TATE, W. H. .
. WBWTOlt PBTTIS. MILS9 W. TAT.
' . PETTIS A TATE,
ft ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
. A'bft Street, TIOXESTA,rA.
Isaac Ash,
A TTOTlNEY AT LAW- Oil City. P.
,A Will practice In'the various Courts of
forest uoumy. All business enirimtou to
alt rare will receive prompt attention.
10 ly
W. W. Mason,
KYATLAW. on
A TTORNKY AT LAW. Office on Kim
Street, above Walnut, Tlonosta, Pa.
C. W. Gllflllan,
ATTORN KY AT LAW, Franklin, Ve
nango Co., Pa. tf.
- N. B, Smiley, . : ' i
ATTORNEY AT LAW, Petroleum Cen
tra, Pa. Will practice in Uia several
uurbi of Forest County, U5-ly
W. P, Mercllllott,
Attorney at Law.
XI E ll. E NT AT 13 AC EXT.
T I ONES TA, FA,
Jorn K. Haliock, '
A TTORNKY AT LAW and Solicitor of
Jl Patents, No. 666 French street(opposite
Hood House) Krio, Pa, Will practice in
the several State Court and tho United
titatea Courts. Special attention given to
soliciting patents for Inventors ; Infringe
ments, re-issue and extension of patents
carefully attended to. Itoferoncoa: lion.
James Campbell, Clarion j lion. John R.
- McCalnionL Franklin ; II. L. t A. B.
Jtlolimond.Moadvillo; W. E. Lathy. Ti-
neeta. .27
v .:t i t Tlonwt House.
M.'1TTLE, Proprietor, Kim St,, Tio-
nexta. Pa., at the mouth of the creek,
i Mr. litla lias thoroughly ronovated the
';' Vionesla House, and re-furnished it com
Jietely, All who- pntronir.e him will be
. . woll entertained at reoaonablo rates. 20-ly
FOREST HOUSE, .
BLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposite
Court- lloiiNe. Tronosta. Pa. Just
opened. Everything new and clean and
fresh. The bent of liquors kept constantly
on hand.-. A portion of Uiu public patron
go is respoctfully solicited. 4-17-ly
Holmes House, , r
HIONESTA. PA., opposite the Depot.
X C. 1). Mahie, Proprietor. Good (Sta
lling coniioctod with the house. tf.
. ; Syracuse House,
Tl DIOUT K, Pa., J. A D Madkh, Propio
tors, The house has been thoroughly
refitted and Is now in the lint-class order,
with tho best of accommodations. Any
nformation concerning Oil Territory at
this point will be cheerfully furnished. ,
. -ly J. D. MAGEE,
Exchange Hotel,
LOWER TIDIOUTE, Pa., D.'.S. Rams
DKKt A Sow Prop's. This house having
"been rotited is now the most desirable stop
f tag place in Tldioute. A good Billiard
Kooin attached. 4-ly
National Hotel,
' TRYINETON, PA. W. A. Hallonback,
. Projirietor. This hotel la New, and is
ow open as a first class house, situate at
ne junction of the Oil Creek A Allegheny
.' itivor and Philadelphia A Erie Railroads,
pposite the Depot. Parties having to lay
ver trains will And this the most conven-
' ' eut hotol in town, with first-class accom
nodations and reasonable charges. tf.
JEWELRY STORE.
9IORIUS,
Late of Rrady'a Bond, has located in
Tionosta, and is prepared to do all kinds of
work,iu tho line of repairing .
Clocks, Watches Jewelry, &o.,
In frood style and warranted to give satis
faction. Watches, Jewelry, Ac, will be
J;rt in care of 1. H. Knox, who will be re
, jiponHiUio fbr thoir aufb -return.
- lS-ly. ; K. E. MORRIS.
. i .
. SLOAN & VAN GIESEN. ;
' " ' - AND
WAG ON -MAKERS.
Corner of Church ami Elm Streets, .
TIQXKBTV, 3?A.
-This Arm is prepared to do all work ln
its lino, und will warrant everything done
attUoir shops to s've satiaiaution. Par
ticular attention given Us ...
IJOILSliIIOEIXt,
Olvothem atrial, and you will not re
gret it. 13-ly.
JOHN A. DALE, PREI'T.
SNA. PBOPR, VICIPRE8T. A. H. STEELE, CASHR,
TIOITESTA
SAVINGS BANK,
Tlonestu, Forest Co., Pa.
Thla Bank tranailH a General Banking,
ColltH'ting and lOx'-lmngo Jiuainoss,
DralX.1 ou the i'lincipal Cities of the
United KUtcs and Europe bought and sold.
Gold and Silver CViu and Government
Securities bought and sold. 7-30 ltouds
.converted on the nioht favorable terms.
Interest allowed oil time deposits.
Mar. 4, tf.
OUHSC1UHK forthe Forest Republicrn
OltwlUtwy.
Dr. J. L. Acorrb,
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, who has
had fifteen years' experience in a large
and successful practice, will attend all
Professional Calls. Ofllco in his Drug and
Grocery Store, locatod in Tidloute, near
iiuiouie House.
IN HIS STORE WILL BE FOUND
A full assortment of Medicines. Llnuora
Tobacco, Cigars, Stationery, Glass, Paint,
Oils, Cutlery, and lino Groceries, all of tho
best quality, and will bo sold at reasonable
rates.
II. R. BURGESS, an experienced Drug
(t 1st from New York, has charge of the
store, ah prescriptions put up accurately.
TifTt Sons 9l Co.'s
NEW ENGINES. The nnderslgnod have
for sale and will receive orders for the
above Engine. Messrs. Tiflrt Sons A Co,
are now sending to this market their 12
Horse Power Engine with 11-Horse Power
Boiler peculiarly adapted to deep wells.
Opfk'KS at Duncan A Chalfant's, dealers
In Woll Fixtures, Hardware, Ac, Main St.
next door to ('base House, l'lcasantvllle,
and at Mansion House, ritusvuie.
tf. K. BRETT A SON, Agent
Jos. Y. Saul,
DRACTICAL Harness Maker and Sad-
-I dler. Three doors north of Holuios
House, Tiouesta, Pa, All work is war
ranted.
tf.
NOTICE.
DR. J. N. B0LARD, of Tldiouto, has
returusd to his practice after an ab
sence of four months, spent in the Hospi
tals of New York, where .he will attend
calls in his profession.
Ollice in Kureka Drug Store, 3d door
luove lue oaiiK, iiuiouie, i a. r.nr
GREAT EXCITEMENT!
t the.Store of
D. S. KNOX, & CO.,
; Elm St., tonesta Pa.
in .
We are In dally receipt 01 the argeatand
MOST COMPLETE stock
QROCEIIIES
and
; piiovisioxs,
EVER BROUGHT TO THIS MARKET
BOOTS & SHOES!
FOR TUB
ILLIONS!
which we are determined to sell regardless
of prices. .
AND
House Furnishing Goods, Iron, Nails,
Machine tools, Agricultural Implements,
Ac, Ac,, Ac., which we offer at greatly re
duced prices.
FURNITURE! FURNITURE ! !
of all kinds,
PARLOR SUITS,
CHAMBER SETS,
LOUNGES,
WHATNOTS,
SPRING BEDS,
MATRESSES,
LOOKING GLASS
ES, Ac, Ac, Ac,
In ENDLESS VARIETY. Call and sec,
7-tf D. S. KNOX. A CO.
REDUCTION OF PIUCES
TO CONFORM TO
REDUCTION OF DUTIES
GREAT SAVING TO CONSUMERS.
BY GETTING UP CLUBS.
VaRoiid for our new Price List and a
Club Form will aciniii.iuy it, continuing
fuil directions making a large saving to
consumer and remunerative club orgun
izera The Cireat American Tea
Company,
lil A Si VESKV STREET,
P. O. Box 564.1. KKW YORK. 12 4t
WANTED AGENTS FOU
TrJumphs of Eaterppts,
BY JAMES PARTON..
A New Bofjk. 700 octavo pases, woll
illustrated, intensely interesting, and very
instructive. Exclusive terriuiry given.
Our Terms am the ino.it Libers!. Apply
to us, and sco if they are not. A. S.
II 1 I tf At t Tl Hi..?..-.!" f......
The trials of a young widower up
iu Windham county, Vt., in trying to
gt "help," are readily told by an ex
change. At last, almost discouraged,
he drew up in front of a email dwell
ing among the hills, and asked the
customary question, "Can you tell me
where I can get a woman to do the
work in a farm house?" "Where are y
from V asked the old man, viewinjf th
handsome horse and buggy with a cler
ical air. "My name is r-. and I am
from ." "Oh yes! I've heard of
you ; you lost your wife a spell ago.
Wall, I've got six gal-good gals too,
and you may take a pick among 'em
for a wife ; but they wouldn't none of
em think ot going out ter .work.
should full as live! you should take
Hannah, because she s the oldest, and
her chance am t quito so good, seem
as she's nigh-sighted and can't hear
very weJ ; but if you don t want her,
you enn take your pick of the others."
Our friend went in, selected the best
looking one, drove to the justice and
was married, and carried his bride
homo that very night, having secured
a permanent and efficient housekeeper,
who proves thus far in every way sat
isfactory, withuo question of wages,
ana no limit to ine work she is expect
ed to do.
Not long since a caso was tried in
the Supreme Court in a neighboring
county, says me fortiana (3le; tress,
in which the genuineness of the signa
tures to a number of promissory notes
was contested. One witness, who wit
nessed the signatures to the notes, pro
nounced las name as appearing on one
Hn .aigei uuiua u lorgery. xne auie
experts declared that they could see
no difference iu the autographs. The
witness stoutly presisted that the one
he designated was a forgery. Careful
testa were applied. The notes were
Bhuffled and dealt to him. and he In.
stantly picked out the fraudulent pa
per. Evarv test which the ineennitv
of the lawyers could devise was ap
plied, with the same result, and the
case went to the jury. After the
case was closed one of the counsel gave
me papers a caretul examination,
when it was found that the disowned
signature had been punctured with a
pin between the letters, but the mark
wat so exceedingly small that it had
escaped a score of prying eyes; yet to
the witness experienced vision it was
"plain as a pikes tall.
Ilall'i Journal- of Health sensibly
3 rt
uiscourses: cummer showers frequent
ly overtake persons and "wet them to
the 6km;' it is then safer to walk
steadily and .rapidly on, -hntil the
clothe become dry again.than stop un
der the shelter and remain there still
uuiu me btorni is over, it home is
reached while the clothing is yet wot,
take some hot drink instantly, a pint
or more ; go to the kitchen fire, re
move every garment, rub the whole
body with; a coarse towel or flannel,
put on woolen underclothing, get into
bed, wrap up warm, and take another
hot drink ; then go to sleep, if at night,
if in the day time, get up in aa hour,
dress, and be active for the remainder
of the day. Suppose you sit still in
the damp clothing; in a few minutes
chilliness is observed, the cold "strikes
in," and next morning there is a vio
lont cold, or an attack of pleurisy or
pneumonia which, if not fatal iu a
week or month it requires years to
get rid of it. The short, sharp rule
should be, if the clothing gets wet,
change iustautly, or work or walk ac
tively, briskly, until perfectly dry.
A Saratoga correspondent writes
thus: "A paper lies before me announc
ing the death of a once eminent clergy
man. He died in an obscure village
in Canada. He was settled in the
city . of New York. His society was
rich, large, and fashionable. He rode
on the wave of popular favor. Crowds
attended his ministry, and his pay was
large. In the height of his popularity
a letter was received by tho principal
warden of the church late one Satur
day night, announcing his resignation,
and saying that he had sailed for
Europe that day. No reason was as
signed, and tho parish were iu a state
of great excitement. After a time the
pastor came back. His reasons for
his course were stranger than his con
duct. The principal one was that he
was subject to black mail, and he
could endure it uo longer. He was
soon settled in an adjoining city, over
an important charge. His popularity
was renewed. Uut soou lie left, went
to Canada, took the place of an assist
ant minister in a small thorge, and
tbare he died. His secret died with
him."
A parallel of Vallaudingham's fate
is found in one of Coccoccio's novels
of a girl and her lover : They were in
the garden together, tho young mnn
raised a flower to his lips and slightly
bit one of the leaves; he full; iu an
instant ho was dead. Fho who was
accused of poisoning the man she loved
best on earth, besought her judge to
be allowed to revisit the fatal garden,
promising that she would show them
how the thing was done. They grant
ed her prayer. "It was thus," tfbesaid
iluckiug a flower. She put it to her
ips, her lips just pressed a leaf; in an
stunt she was a corpse.
Head gardener artificial floiH. '
Two negroes, bargaining for some
land, the price of which. was $900,
said they ha J only half so much money.
"Very well," said the land agent,
"I'll take $450 down, and a mortgage
on the balance in one year."
Sambo scratched his head a moment
and replied : "I say, boss, 'spose a fel
hain't got no morgitch?"
The agent explained, but the darkey
couldn't see it, and disclaimed the
ownership of a single"in6rgitch."
The other darkey here came to the
rescue, and "lucidated the pint" Says
he : "Sambo, don't you know what a
morgitch is ? Den I'll tell yer. A mor
gitch is jest like dis yer. 'Spose yer
pays de boss $450 down; den yer gives
yer word on de honor of a nigger that
yer'll pay him the udder $4o0 in a
year. Den 'spose on de last day of de
year yer pays tie boss $449 and don't
pay de udder dollar, why den de mor
gitch says de boss can jes take all de
money and de land, and you don't hab
nuflin not a cent. Golly, boss a
morgitch makes A nigger mitey hon
est." A correspondent writes to a , cotera
porary the following about some of the
curious popular names given to the
Hew York churches : "Plymouth
Church is called simply 'Beecher's.'
Dr. Storr's Church, owing to the pecu
liar form of the steeple, is known as
the 'Church of the Holy Corncob.'
Mr. Talmadge'8 Tabernacle is called
the 'Church of the Hippodrome.' One
of the Old School Churches, stiff in
doctrine, is known as the 'Old Fur
nace.' A Baptist Church which makes
a specialty of the ordinance, announc
ing it ever Sunday, is known as the
'Church of the Holy Bath.' A Uni
tarian Church, a low building, with iu
different parts drawn out like a tele
scope, is called the 'Church of the Holy
Turtle.' Dr. Bellows' Church, built of
alternate layers of red and white, is
known as tho 'Church of the Holy Ze
bra.' To raise funds to pay off a
church debt one of our religious socie
ties held a fair, at which dancing was
made prominent. The society was im
mediately christened the 'Church of
St. Vitus.'" - -
The latest story from Massachusetts
comes from Lynn, and is of a battle
between toads and frogs. The contest
is thus described by the man who saw
it in a pond in that neighborhood :
"Around the margin of the pond, in
the water, there was a large collection
of common toads ; close : beside them
was an equally large gathering of bull
frogs, and a battle between the two
wa9 in progress. The frogs, being the
most powerful, were busily engaged
in drowning the toads. One or more
frogs would seize a toad and hold his
head under water until he was drowned.
Sometimes a frog would find that he
was overniatcheed. and then he would
utter a peculiar sound, when one or
more ot his comrades would come to
his aid, and the toad was sure to go
under, never to riso again. This bat
tle coutmued for several minutes, un
til tho toads were competely. 'ol caned
out, when the frogs joined in one tri
umphal croak, as though they had
achieved a victory over mortal enemies,
The scene was a most singular one, and
:i. i , ,. '
bucu as is rareiy wunesseu.
A curious story is told of three
young candidates for a Scottish minis
try. I he first one put upon his trial,
wane putting on bis robes, happened
to descry an ancient-looking, well-worn
rou oi paper, wnicn provea to be a
sermon upon the text, "Jacob was a
plain man, dwelling in tents." Seeing
mat ine oia sermon was much better
than his new one, the aspirant to pul
pit honors took posessioo of it, deliv
lt as his own, and then returned it to
its old restiug place; The sermon was
a good one, and pleased the hearers,
although they would have preferred
one delivered without book. Great
was their astonishment the followincr
Sunday, when preacher No. 2 treated
them with the same sermon from the
same text; but it was too much for
Scottish patience when a third minister,
failing into the same trap, commenced
his sermon by announcing that "Jacob
was a plain man, dwelling in tents:"
and one old woman relieved the feel
ings of her fellow-sufferers by exclaim
ing: "De'il dwell him 1 is he never
gaun to nit r
A short time ago a lady and eentle-
uian were murried very quietly iu tho
country, and proceuded iu their car
riage to spena the honeymoon among
the lukes, the gentleman giving strict
orders to his Irish footman on no ac
count to stato to inquirers that they
were newly married. When leavinir
the first inn on the road the happy
couple were much astonished and an
noyed to find the servants all assem
bled, and, pointing to the gentleman,
mysteriously exclaiming, "That's him ?
That's the man!" Ou reaching the
next stage the indignant master told
his servant that he had divulged what
he had iiuprt&sed upon him as a secret,
and had told the servants at the last
iun they were a new married couple.
"Be jubers, an' it's not true, yer hon
or, replied the servant ; "I tould the
whole kit that ver honor . and honor's
lady (God bless her!) wouldn't be
married yet ior a fortnight! '
A round sum ?0,
Mayne Reid, the prolifio author of
wild stories for little and big children,
Was onc a gallant soldier, and dis
tinguished himself in the Mexican war.
After tho capture of tho City of Mex
ico, he was wont to empty his trunk in
adorning his person before calling up
on Guadaloupe, and while so doing
would stir up his enthusiasroby recit
ing poetry, much to the wrath and dis
gust of his brother officers, who had
no loves. ' One day while J dressing he
roared out:
"At midnight, ln his guarded tent,
The Turk lay dreaming of the hour
When Greece, her knees--"
"I say, lieid," interrupted Ned Mar
shall, "why did they grease her knees?"
"What?;.'...-
"You said 'grease her knees.' Now,
the question that agitates the country
is, why did they grease her kness?"
The gay lieutenant gazed for a mo
ment in blank amazement, then said
sternly: .
"You're a fool."
A duel was the consequence, in
which Ned Marshall got the worst of
it - . ,
Cousin Norma is responsible for the
following concerning Jim Smith and
Johnny Greene, who after having had
a grand bout one night, concluded to
go home. Arriving at Smith's house,
which they knew by some peculiarity
that even a drunken man couldn't mis
take, they commenced to shout :
. "Missus Sum hie mithl Ho, Mis-sus-mith!"
"What do you want,, you drunken
brutes !" shouted Mrs. Smith from the
window,
"Ern yourn Miss Mith ?"
"Yes I am. Who are you and what
do you want T"
"Ef yer Missus Sum hie ith,
co!2 'ere and pick out Missur Smith,
for Johcny Greene wants to go-ome."
A member of the Arkansas Legisla
ture, who goes for economy ia public
expenditure, iu pcaking of an ex
travagant appropriation, indignantly
exclaimed: "Gentlemen, talk about
'adequate compensation of public ser
vants.' Why, sir, during the late war
I was in thirty-seven battles, was
.wounded thirteen times' in the cause
of the South, and the entire pay I re
$30 in Confederate money, every cent
- 1 1-T n I ji it
oi wnicn i. gave ior one glass oi Old
rye whisky." "
A down East farmer, known far and
wide by bis. patriotio title had a
neighbor who was in the habit of work
ing on Sundays, but after a while this
babbath breaker joined the church
One day our friend met the minister
to whose church he belonged, "Well,
Uncle Sam" said he, "do you see any
difference in R. since he joined the
church ?" "Oh yes," said uncle Sam,
"a great differepce. Before, when he
went out to mend his fences on Sunday
he carried his axe on his shoulder, but
now he carries it under his coat.
Miss Jane, daughter, and Mrs. Ava,
wife of Brigham Young, have been
stopping at Saratoga for a few days.
The Saratoga Sun says : "The wife is a
fair, wholesome looking woman, and
the daughter really a beauty. She is
of good size, fair complexion, rosy
cheeks,- flashing dark eyes, plump,
pretty figure, pouting cherry red lips,
which gave at least one Saratoga young
man a good, healthy, fragrant, sweet
smack right on the mouth at parting.
We learned that Miss Jane was not
daughter to Mrs. Ava."
Some time since a Northern Ver
mont clergyman visited New York,
and was invited to fill a city pulpit
He knew nothing about quartette
choirs, and had never heard a cnurch
organ. After the first hymn showed
him what the organ prelude was, he
announced the second as follows: "The
audience will now join with me iu
singing a good old Methodist hymn,
and those fellows running that bag of
wind in the gallery will plcaso not in
terrupt." j
A short time since E. E. Hawley,
baggage master ou the express train
on tho Hartford and New Haven
railroad, was badly injured by a heavv I
trunk fulling upou him. His wife was
so affected by the news sent by tele
graph that she dropped dead. The
unfortunate and doubly afflicted mau
was taken to his dosolate home, where
within a week a time he witnessed the
death of his only child.
Dr. G , of Sycamore, Illinois.
riding in the country saw a sign
upou a gate-post, reading thus : "This
farm for sail." Stopping his horse, ho
hailed a little woman who stood on
tiptoe, hanging out clothes. "I say,
madam, wheu is it going to sua:
"Just as soon," replied the old lady,
placing her thumb to her nose, "as
oybody conies along who cau raise
the wind." The doctor drove thought
fully on.
One of our modern poets has the
following fine line: "Oh, she was fair,
but sorrow came and left its traces
there!" What becamoof the remain
der of the harness tie does uot state.
A Ci'Kious Case. The geutlemau
whose countenauce full ou hearing of
tho loss of his properly, is beginning
to picK up a bit, ana hopes eoou to
put a good line on it.
An old farmer went into a drug
store a short time ago, after an alma
nac. He was banded one of Javne's,
but indignantly refused, tnying that it
was a d d hurobng. "Last year,"
said be, : "I lost a couple of tons of
hay by one of his almanacs. The book
said it would be pleasant on a certain
day, and I left my grass out and lost
it. I won't have either his almanac or
his medicine." And so the old chap
took another sort.
"I once dreamed," said Tat, "that I
called upon the President, an he axed
me wud I drink; I tould him I didn't
care if I tuk a drop of punch. 'Could
or hot?' axed the President. 'Hot,
yer excellency,' said I; and ho stepped
down in tho kitchen for some bil in'
water, and before he got back I woke
strate up, and now its diatressin' me
that I didn't take it could 1"
A good story is told of a Nathua, N".
II., physician, who recently vaccinated
a family of twelve persons and charged
twelve dollars. A few days thereafter
he took a dozen cabbage plants iu
part pay, as he supposed, but upon
final settlement learned, to his surprise,
that Mr. Farmer charged doctor's
prices "one dollar a head,"
For a specimen of logical consecu
tion of ideas we venture to commend
this from a school-boy's composition :
'Tobacco was invented by a man
named Walter Raleigh. When the
people first saw him smoking they
thought he was a steamboat, and as
they had never seen a steamboat they
were frightened."
A Collinsville, Ct, man who had
for years suffered rheumatism and
been unable to labor, recently lent a
hand in extinguishing a burning barn
and was thoroughly drenched with wa
ter, remaining wet three hours. To
his astonishment he now finds himself
entirely cured of his disease.
They have a severe attack of rail
road fever at Puget Bound. One of
the papers closes a long article with :
"Then blow, ye winds! put your shoul
ders to the wheel, ye steam-gods I and
hasten on the time for which we are
looking, longing, dying 1,"
A gentleman said to an old lady
who had brought up a family of chil
dren near the Merrimack river, "1
should think you would have lived in
constant fear that some of them would
have got drowned." "Oh, no," respond
fed the old lady, "we only lost throe or
lour that way.
In some recent discussion societies
they debated strange questions. The
last was : "What ia the difference be
tween the 'Brldgo of Sighs' and the
size of a bridgo ?'' The next is to be
"The difference between a fao-simile
and a sick-family." '
A gentleman from Boston on a visit
to his friend in the country, speaking
of the times, observed that his wifo
had lately expended fifty dollars for a
1. -1. : ir: l i nrr
uauii.. j.xib uieiiu repiieu, nore, in
the country we don't allow our wives
to get into such habits. .
Infuriated Commanding Officer of
tue Dmith uuard. "Ill, there; get
away, you madman get away from
the target I" Easy-Minded Luntic
"Hold on, guv nor, 1 ain t as mad as I
look. X was here all day yesterday
and found it much the safest place in
mo lieid.
A Rhode Island man married
Massachusetts girl ; last Thursday he
went noma unexpectedly, and threw s
fellow, whom he found running connu
biai opposition to him, out of a two
story window.
A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the
preacher, it he would have a Jicrht
"No, child," says the doctor, "I am one
of the lights of the world." "I wish,
then," replied the boy, "you were hung
at tno enu ot our alley, lor it is a very
oar it one.
"January." a New York D-nmbler
being rial broke ono night, nut a loz
enge on the queen, and the dealer,
mistaking it lor a split check, paid the
bet. From this beginning he took
$1,000 out of the bank that night.
uny cut your own heir on with a
shilling when you cau got a barber to
cut your hair off for you and shampoo
. wrt L . n. ...
you into ine bargain lor that very
moderate sum?
A couple who were recently married
in New Orleans, announced "No wed
ding cards, no bridal tour, no honey
moon." They evidently mean busi
ness. There iu a lad of our acquaintance
who regards hunger and the chasten
ing rod as about the same thing; both
make him holler.
This is the latest contribution to
piscatorial study by the board of edu
cation ; Question What is tho cause
of the salines of the water of the
ocean ? Answer The cod-fish.
A French docter has written a lifo
of tho devil, including Lis subject'
essays on political economy and what
ho knows about warming.
The editor of an Eastern paper hav
ing received a buuk-noto detector, re
turns thanks, and modestly asks for
sonio bauk-notes upon which to test
ill- lu'cutaev.
The worst thing out out of temper.
The best thing out out of debt,
A hard-set Illinois thief recently
stole the lightning-rod off a church.
Coming to Grief Meeting trouble
half-way.
Ah Bung is the name of a Chinese
pugilist in San Francisco.
Two Virginia) farmers fought a duel
with a scythe and an axo. .
What have you to expect at hotels ?
Inn attention
Tennyson is again Idyling away his
time. Det. Free Press.
The London underground railway
cost four million dollars a mile.
An Illinois church was carried bodi
ly six miles on a freight car.
His girl "shook him" and ho jumped
into the river at Quincy, 111. .
A new German fiction unfolds ita
slow length in nine volumes.
An English lady has been sued for
breach of promise by a farmer.
A Model for a bust almost any pat
ent boiler model. Low. Cour.
An Atlanta negro owns to having
had eight, wives and sixty-four chil
dren. . .
A gentlemanly New Orleans thief
returned a wedding ring he had stolen.
Illinois chickens scratched up a
gold watch that was lost seventeen
year ago.
Wachtel, the German tenor, was
once a hack driver; now he's ou the
stage.
Wrhy is the sun lika a good loaf?
Because it is light when it rises.
What is that which is so brittle that
if you name it you are sure to break
it? Silence. " , ' ' ' , .'
What is it that goes up the hill and
down the hill, and yet never moves?
The road.. ....
What drink should sailors be fond
of? Port. '
Why should the speaker of the
House wear spectacles? Bocause so
many ' attempts are made to "catch
his eye."
, What is the difference between an
egg-shell and a physican? One is M T
and the other is M. D. . -
Which is the most appropriate drink
for fops? Spruce.
When ia theatrical mannager like an
astronomer? When he discovers a new
star.
Why are young ladies so partial to
sunset and twilight? Because they a ro
daughters of Eve.
Spurgeon thinks sorao ministers
would make good martyrs they are
so dry they would burn well.
At a recent marriage in Illinois, tho
4he groom was forty and the bride
twelve and halt years of age. .
A Swimming-master may sometimes
be said to be literally immersed in
business.
The Chicago Republian calls this
"an explodemical season for kerosene
lamps." '
Thirty years ago there were not
twenty wood engravers in the United
States. Now there are four hundred.
Tall gentleman should beware of
the habit of kissing little ladies, as it
might iu time make them round-shouldered.
If a man has carroty hair and a tur
nip nose, with a radish complexion,
must he necessarily have vegetable
marrows in his bones ?
A carpenter named Frank Marklry
fell from the roof of a barn in Wash
ington township, a few days ago, re
ceiving serious injuries.
A journal certifies to the existanco
of a young lady who took out fifty-
seven hair pins from her coiffure and
yet her hair did not come down. -
Victoria's daughter, Crown Princess
of Prussia, is growing fat, like her
mother. She is 31 years old, and has
given birth to six chrildren.
The two new Roman Catholic Cathe
drals in New York city will cost $4,-
000,000 each. "That the way tho
money goes."
There are manv newspapers that
make little noise in the world ; but the
ladies will testify that they cau make
a great "bustle
New York and New Jersey people
drink more beer than thoso of any
other two States tho yearly average
consumption being 248 glasses for ev
ery man, woman, and child.
Wheu a man aud a Christian bruj-
dor runs away with the Church plate
at Memphis, oue deacon catehos him
and holds hiiu whilo another fixes him
for the coroner.
A young gentleman of PittsfleM,
Muss, has reccutly involved himself in
liluculty by stealing empty bottles
from tho buck door of a drug store,
and then carrying them round to tho
front door uud selling thciu to tho
Wlti'T. '