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fit fURLUUED EVERY tUESDAY, BY
W. R. DUNN.
9AM In Kr' Building, Elm, Strcot.
quarter Coi. " "V "
One " " 100 W
' Business Cards, not exceeding one Inch
In length, ?10 per year.
Legal notices at established rates.
These rates are low, and no deviation
rlll bo made, or discrimination among
patrons. The rates offered are such, is
will make it to the advantage of men dob. i
business in the limits of the circulation of
the paper to advertise liberallv.
r TERMS, J2.00 A YEAtt.
Ho Bubscrlptlona received for a.shortor
" Lot ua have Faith that Right makes Might ; and in that Faith' let us to the end, dare do our duty as we understand if--LINCOLN.
erlod than three monins.
Correspondence solicited from all parts
of tho country. No notice will bo tukun of
airriou vinous communication".
TIONESTA, PA., TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER- 5, 1871. $2 PER ANNUM.
VOJL- IV. NO. 22.
Marriauos and Death notice lnsortod
.it 7 BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
TIONESTA LODGE, NO. 477,
I.O. Or. T. .
ft Tflta every Wednesday evening, at 8
M o'clock. w nDUNNiW.c.T.
M. VT. TATE, W. H. -.
. W1WT0N PETTIS. MILE W. TATI.
PETTIS & TATE,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
. ll. fr, TIOS1CSTA, rA.
" TTrvriHET AT UW. OH City. Pa.
tJ. Will practico in'tlio various Court of
Forest County. All wuRincsn pniniwou kj
ail cure will receive prompt attontlon.
" W. W, Masoni
a TTORNKY AT I, AW. OlTloe on Kim
A. Street, above Walnut, Tlonosta, Pa.
C W. Gllflllan,
A TTORNEY AT LAW, Franklin, Ve-
. nango Co., Pa.
N. B. Smiley, ,
a TTnUNEY T T.AW. Petrolonm Cen-
J tro. Pa. Will practice in the several
tmurts of Forest County. 35-ly
W. P, MerclUlott,
Attorney at I. aw.
HEAT. KNTATK Ad EXT.
John K. Hallock,
A TTORNEY AT LAW and Solicitor of
XI. Patents.No. two French stroct(opposite
Kned House) Erlo, Pa. Will practice in
the several Slate Courts and tho United
fctatt Courts. Special attention given to
aolioitiiw patents for Inventors : infringo-
aienls, ro-issuo and extension of patents
carefully attended to. Kolerenocs: uon.
James Campbell. Clarion ; Hon. John 8.
MH'Rlmont. Franklin : II. L. fc A. II.
lllohinond. Moadvlllo : W. E. Lathy. Ti-
nesta. 2 1
. , , Tlonesta House.
If: ITT I.E. Proprietor. Elm St.. Tio-
lfl. iMMtiL Pa., at the mouth of theereek.
i Mr. lltla lias thoroughly renovated the
TionesUi House, and re-furnished it ram-
r jletIy. All who mtronir.e him will be
. well entertained at reasonublo ratos. BO-ly
. . ; FOREST HOUSE,
BLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposite
Court House. Thmosta, Pa. Just
opened. Everything now and clean and
frosh. The best of liquors kept constantly
ouliand. . A portion of tlui public patron-
ago Is respectfully solicited. 4-17-ly
nIONESTA, PA., opposite the Depot.
x V. 1. ftluhlo, proprietor, uoou csia-
fcllug connected with the houso. tf.
. Syracuse House,
miDIOUTE. Pa.. J. A D Maokb. Propio-
-J. tors. The house has bocn thoroughly
refitted and is now la tho lirst-ctasa order,
with tho best of accommodations. Any
nformalion concerning OH Territory at
this point will pe cuoornuiv rurnishea.
-ly J. JtD. MAUF.E,
T OWKR TIDIOUTE. Pa.. P.'.S. Ramb-
i-J DEKt iV Sos Prop's. This house having
"been retited Is now the mostdosirablostop
plag place in Tidioute. A good Billiard
Room attached. 4-Iy
TRVIXETON, PA. W. A. Hallonback,
" Prirletor. ' This hotel la New, and is
,ow open as a first class house, situate at
ne junction of the Oil Creek it Allegheny
kivor and Philadelphia A Erie Railroads,
pposite the Depot. Parties having to lay
ver trains will nnd this the most conven-
eut hotel In town, with nrst-class accom-
noda Hons ana reasonai ue cuaros. u.
K. C JItHKIS,
Late of Brady's Bend, has located In
Tionosto, and is prepared to do all kinds of
work.iu the lino of repairing
Clocks, Watches, Jewelry, &o.,
In Knod style and warranted to give satis
faction. Watches, Jewelry, Ae., will be
Jett in core of 1). S. Knox, who will be re
sponsible lor uicir sate return.
18-ly. . U. E. MORRIS.
. SLOAN & VAN GIESEN7
' - ' AND
Corner of Church aud Elm Streots,
' TIiIb firm Is prepared to do all work In
its lino, and will warrant everything done
at tuoir shops to tlve satislactiou. i'ar-
ticujur attention given to
Glvo them a trial, and
you will not re-
JOHN A. PALE, PREt'T.
SNA. PROPER, VIC( PREST. A. H. STEELE, CASHR,
TlonebU, Forost Co., Pa.
This Bank transact a General Banking,
i.'ollectimr and Kxi-lianuo Jiuainoss.
Drafts ou the Principal Cities of the
United States and Europe bought and sold.
Gold and Silver Coin and Government
Securities liou'!it anil sold. 7-iiU Bonds
.converted on the must lavoi iible terms.
I nturest allowed on time deposits.
Mar. 4, tf.
OCISSCKIISK for the Forest Republicrn
Dr. J. L. Acorrb,
PTIYSTCTAN AND SURnF.ON.who has
bad fifteen years' experience In a larpe
and successful practice, will attend all
Professional Calls. Oflleo In his Drue ana
Drocery Store, located in Tidiouto, near
IN HIS STORE WILL BE FOUND
A full assortment of Medicines, LIqnom
Tobacco, Clears, Stationery, Gloss, Paints,
Oils, Cutlery, anil line Groceries, all of tho
best quality, and will be sold at reasonable
H. It. BunOF.sS, an experienced OniR-
dlstfrom New York, has charge or the
Store. All prescriptions put up accurately.
Tint Sons 4 Co. '8
NEW ENOINES. The undersigned have
for sale and will roceive ordors for the
above Engine. Messrs. Tlltl Hons ot Co.
are now sending to this market their 12-
1 torse Power Hugine with ll-Jiorse i-ower
Boiler peculiarly adapted to deep wells.
i . I . 1 . a. Kli.l ii. t 'a l rm 1 nr.
urrHM, hi i,uu-nii ut vnnnmi. .......
In Well Fixtures, Hardware, Ac, Main St.
next door to Cliaso House, Pleasantvllle,
and at Mansion House, Titusville.
tf. K. BUETT & SON, Agents.
Jos. Y. Saul,
PRACTICAL Harness Maker and Sad
dler. Three doors north of Holmes
House, Tlouesto, Pa. All work is war
DR. J. N. BOLARD, or Tidioute, lias
returnsd to his practico atler an ab
sence of four months, spent in tho Hospi
tals of New York, Where .l will aiienu
calls in his profession.
Ollice in f.nrcKa irufr Bioro, aa uoor
tbove the bank, Tidioute, Pa. 4iitf
at the Store of
D. S. KNOX, Sc GO
Elm St., ionesta Pa.
We are In dally receipt o the argeatand
MOST COMPLETE stock
EVER BROUGHT TO THIS MARKET
BOOTS & SHOES !
which we are determined to sell regardless
House Furnishing Goods. Iron, Nails,
Machlno tools, Agricultural Implemonta,
Ac., Ac,, Ae., whicU wo offer at greatly re
FURNITURE I FURNITURE I I
of all kinds,
ES, Ac, Ac, Ao.,
In ENDLESS VARIETY. Call and see,
D. S. KNOX, A CO.
REDUCmON OP PRICES
TO CONFORM TO
REDUlTION OF DUTIES
GREAT SAVING TO CONSUMERS.
BY G1TT1NG UP CLUBS.
VO-Send for our new Price IJst and a
Club Form will accon.,.iny it, continuing
full directions muKing a large saving kj
consumer-, un l rouiuueralivo ciun organ
The fiireat Amorlean Tea
P. O. Box SlU:'.. KKW YOHK. 13 -4t
WANTED AGENTS FOR
Triumphs of Eaterprts
BY JAMES PAUTON..
A New Book, 700 octavo papes, well
illUHtrated, intensely Interesting, und very
instructive. Exclusive territory given.
Our Terms are the most Liberal. Apply
to us, and see H tliey are not. A. t,
IIA1.K k CO., Hartford, Conn.
The triali of a young widower up
iu Windlinm county, Vt., in trying to
get "help," are readily told by an ex
change. At last, almost discouraged,
lie drew up in front of a small dwell
ing among the hills, and asked the
customary question, "Can you tell me
where I can get a woman to do the
work in a farm house? "Where are ye
from?" asked tho old man, viewing the
handsome horse and buggy with a cler
ical air. "My name is , and I am
from ." "Oh yes! I've heard of
you j you lost your wife a spell ago.
Wall, I've got six gals-good gals too,
and vou mav take a Dick amoncr em
for a wife ; but they wouldn't none of
em think of going out ter work. I
should full as lives you should take
Hannah, because she's the oldest, and
her chance ain't quito so good, scciu'
as she's nigh-sighted and can't hear
very well ; but it you uon t want her,
you can take your pick of the others."
Our friend went in, selected the best
looking one, drove to the justice and
was married, and carried his bride
homo that very night, having secured
a permanent and efficient housekeeper,
who proves thus lar in every way sat
isfactory, wilhno question of wages,
and no limit to tho work she is expect
ed to do.
Not long since a case was tried in
the Supreme Court in a neighboring
county, says the Portland (Mel Tress,
i fi. .1.- ;
iu wnicu me genuineness oi me signa
tures to a number of promissory notes
was contested. Une witness, who wit
tiessed the signatures to the notes, pro
nounced his name as appearing on one
of the larger notes a forgery. The able
experts declared that they could see
no d i tie ranee in the autographs, lhe
witness stoutly presisted that the one
he designated was a forgery. Careful
tests were applied. Ine notes were
shuffled and dealt to him, and he in
stantly picked out the fraudulent pa
per. iiivery test which the ingenuity
oi the lawyers could devise was an
plied, with the Bame result, and the
case went to the jury. After the
case was closed one of the counsel gave
the papers a careful examination,
when it was found that the disowned
signature had been punctured with a
pin between the letters, but the mark
wat so exceedingly small that it had
escaped a score of prying eyes; yet to
the witness' experienced vision it was
"plaiu as a pikestaff."
Hall'i Journal-of Health sensibly
discourses: Summer showers frequent
ly overtake persons and "wet them to
the skin;" it is then safer to walk
steadily aud rapidly on, -tititil the
clothes become dry again.than stop un
der the shelter and remain there still
until the storm is over, it home is
reached while the clothing is yet wot.
take some hot drink instantly, a pint
or more ; go to the Kitchen tire, re
move every garment, rub the whole
body with: a coarse towel or flannel
put on woolen underclothing, get into
bed, wrap up warm, and take another
hot drink. ; then go to sleep, if at night
if in the day time, get up in an hour
dress, and be active for tha remainder
of the day. buppose you sit still in
the damp clothiug; in a few minutes
chilliness is observed, the cold "strikes
in, and next morning there is a vio
lont cold, or an attack of pleurisy or
pueuniouia which, a not latal in
week or month it requires years to
get rid of it. The short, sharp rule
should be, if the clothing gets wet,
change instantly, or work or walk ac
tively, briskly, until perfectly dry,
A Saratoga correspondent writes
thus: "A naner lies before me announc.
ing the death of a once eminent clergy
man. lie died iu an obscure village
in Canada. He was sottled in the
city. of New York. His society was
rich, large, and fashionable. He rode
on tho wave of popular favor. Crowds
attended his ministry, and his pay was
large. In tho height of his popularity
a letter was received by tho principal
warden oi the church late one Satur
day night, announcing his resignation
and saying that he had sailed fo
Europe that day. No reason was as-
signed, and tho parish were in a state
ot great excitement. After a time the
pastor came back. His reasons fo
his course were stranger than his con
duct. The principal one was that he
was subject to black mail, and 1
could endure it no longer, lie was
soon settled in an adjoining city, over
an important charge. His popularity
was renewed. Hut soon he left, wen
to Canada, took the place of an ass is
ant minister in a small charge, an
thore he died. His secret died with
A parallel of Vallandinghara's fate
is lound in one of Coccoccio s novel
of a girl and her lover: They were in
the garden together, the young mill
raised a flower to his lips and slightly
bit one ot the leaves; he lull; iu
instant ho was dead. Mie who was
accused of poisoning the man she loved
best ou earth, besought her judgo
be allowed to revisit the fatal garden
promising that she would f-how them
how the thing was done. They grant
ed her prayer. "It was thus, vhesau
plucking a flower. She put it to her
lips, her lips just pressed a leaf; in an
stunt she was a corpse.
Head trrirdeuer artificial flourd
Two negroes, bargaining for some
land, the price of which was $900,
said they ha J only half so much money.
"Very well, said the land agent,
I'll take $450 down, and a mortgage
on the balance iu one year."
Sambo scratched his head a moment
and replied : "I say, boss, 'spose a fel-
ain t got no morgitchT
lhe agent explained, but the darkey
couldn't see it, and disclaimed the
ownership of a siugle"inorgitch."
The other darkey here came to the
rescue, and "lucidated the pint." Says
he: "Sambo, don't you know what a
mortritch is? Den I'll tell yer. A inor-
gitch is jest like d is yer. 'Spose yer
pays de boss 40U down ; den yer gives
yer word on de honor of a nigger that
.. mi v: ii. ..,!,)- ei ,n :n
er 11 liny uiiu biiu uuuui v-xw iu n
year. Uen spose on ne last aay oi ae
year yer pays de boss $4-19 and don't
pay tie udder dollar, why den de mor-
gilcii says ae doss can jes uiae uu ae
money and de land, and you don't hab
nuflin not a cent. Golly, boss! a
morgitch makes a nigger niitey hon
est." A correspondent writes to a cotem-
porary the following about some of the
curious popular names given to the
New York churches: "Plymouth
Church is called simply 'Beecher's.'
r- c ru...,.l, , ,.
liar form of the Bteeple, is known as
the 'Church of the Holy Corncob.'
Mr. Talmadge's Tabernacle is called
the 'Church of the Hinnodrome.' One
of the Old School Churches, stiff in
octrine. is known as the 'Old lur-
nace.' A uaptist unurcu wnica maacs
. . ... r. , , i
a specialty of the ordinance, announc
ing it ever Sunday, is known as the
Church oi the Holy liath A Uni
tarian Church, a low building, with its
different parts drawn out like a tele
scope, is called the 'Church of the Holy
Turtle.' Dr. Bellows' Church, built of
alteruate layers of red and white, is
known as tho 'Church of the Holy Ze
bra, lo raise funds to pay on a
church debt one of our religious socie
ties held a fair, at which dancing was
made prominent. The society was im
mediately christened the 'Church of
The latest story from Massachusetts
comes from Lynn, and is of a battle
between toads and trogs. lhe contest
is thus described by the man who saw
it iu a pond in that neighborhood :
"Around the margin of the pond, in
the water, there was a large collection
of common toads ; close beside them
was an equally large gathering of bull
frogs, and a battlo between the two
was in progress. The frogs, being the
most powerful, were busily engaged
in drowning the toads. Une or more
frogs would neize a toad and hold his
head under water until he was drowned
Sometimes a frog would -find that he
was overmateheed, and then he would
utter a peculiar sound, when one or
more ot his comrades would come to
his aid, and the toad was sure to go
under, never to riso again. This bat
tle continued for several minutes, un
til tho toads were competely 'cleaned
out,' when the frogs joined in one tri
umphal croak, as though they had
achieved a victory over mortal enemies.
The scene was a most singular one,and
such as is rarely witnessed."
A curious story is told of threo
young candidates for a Scottish minis
try. The first one put upon his trial,
while nuttincr on his robes, happened
to descry an ancient-looking, well-worn
roll ot paper, which proved to be a
sermon upon the text, "Jacob was a
plain man, dwelling in tents. beeing
that the old sermon was much better
than his new one, the aspirant to pul
pit honors took posessioo of it, deliv
lt as his own, and then returned it to
its old resting place. The sermon was
a good one, and pleased the hearers,
although they would have preferred
one delivered without book. Great
was their astonishment the following
Sunday, when preacher No. 2 treated
them with the same sermon from the
same text; but it was too much for
Scottish patience when a third minister,
fulling luto the same trap, commenced
his sermon by announcing that "Jacob
was a plain man, dwelling in tents;"
aud oue old woman relieved the feel
ings of her fellow-sufFerers by exclaim
ing: "De'il dwell himl is he never
gaun to flit?"
A short time ago a lady and gentle
man were married very quietly in tho
country, and proceeded iu their car
riage to spend the honeymoon among
the lukes, the gontieraau giving strict
orders to his Irish footmuu on no ac
count to state to inquirers tlint they
were newly married. Whon leaving
the iirot inn ou tho road the happy
couple were much astonished and an
noyed to find tho servants all assem
bled, aud, pointing to tho gentleman,
mysteriously exclaiming, "That's him ?
That's the man !" Ou reaching the
next stage tho indignant master told
his servant that he had divulged what
he had impressed upon him as a secret,
and had told the servants at the lat
iun they were a new married couple.
"Be juLers, an' it's not true, ver hon
or," replied tho servant ; "I tould the
whole kit that yer honor. and honor's
lady (God bless her!) wouldn't be
married yet for a fortnight !"
A round sunt
Mayne Reid, the prolific author of
wild stories for little and big children,
was once; a gallant soldier, and dis
tinguished himself in the Mexican war.
After tho capture of tho City of Mex
ico, he was wont to empty his trunk in
adorning his person before calling up
on Guadaloupe, and while so doing
would stir op his enthusiasmby recit
ing poetry, much to the wrath and dis
gust of his brother officers, who had
no loves. One day whilej dressing he
roared out :
"At midnight, In his guarded tent,
The Turk lay dreaming of the honr
When Oreece,"hef knees--"
"I say, Reid," interrupted Is ed War
shall, "why did they grease her knees?"
"You said 'grease her knees.' Now,
the question that agitates the country
is, why did they grease her knees r
The gay lieutenant gazed for a mo
ment in blank amazement, then said
"You're a fool."
A duel was the consequence, in
which Ned Marshall got the worst of
Cousin Norma is responsible for the
following Concerning Jim Smith and
Johnny Greene, who after having had
a grand bout one night, concluded to
go home. Arriving at Smith's house,
which they knew by some peculiarity
that even a drunken man couldn't mis
take, they commenced to shout:
"Missus Sum hie mithl Ho, Mis-
"What do vou want, you drunken
brutes !" shouted Mrs. Smith from the
"Em vourn Miss Mith ?"
"Yes I am. Who are you and what
do vou want ?"
"Ef yer Missus Sum hie ith,
come 'ere and pick out Missur Smith,
for Johnny Urceno wants to go-orue.
A member of the Arkansas Legisla
ture, who goes for economy ia public
expenditure, in speaking of an ex
travagant appropriation, indignantly
exclaimed : "Gentlemen, talk about
'adequate compensation of public ser
vants.' Why, sir, during the late war
I was in thirty-seven battles, was
wounded thirteen tunes in the cause
of the South, and the entire pay I re-
$30 in Confederate money, every cent
of which 1 gave lor one glass oi old
A down East farmer, known far and
wide bv his patriotic title had
neighbor who was in the habit of work
ing on Sundays, but after a while this
Sabbath breaker joined the church
One day our friend met the minister
to whose church he belonged, "Well,
Uncle Sam" said he, "do you see any
difference in R. since he joined the
church?" "Oh yes," said uncle Sam
"a great difference. Beforo, when he
went out to mend his fences on bunday
he carried his axe on his shoulder, but
now he carries it under his coat.
Miss Jane, daughter, and Mrs. Ava
wife of Brigham Young, have been
stopping at Saratoga lor a lew days,
The Saratoga Sun says : "The wife is a
fair, wholesome looking woman, and
the daughter really a beauty. She is
of good size, fair complexion, rcsy
cheeks,- flashing dark eyes, plump,
pretty figure, pouting cherry red Hps,
which gave at least one Saratoga young
man a good, healthy, fragrant, sweet
smack right on tho mouth at parting.
We learned that Miss Jane was not
daughter to Mrs. Ava."
Some time since a Northern Ver
mont clergyman visited New York,
and was invited to fill a city pulpit
He knew nothing about quartette
choirs, and had nevor heard a church
orgau. After the first hymu showed
him what the organ prelude was, he
announced the second as follows: "The I
audienco will now join with me in
singing a good old Methodist hymn,
and those fellows running that bag of
wind in the gallery will please not in
A short time siuce E. E. Hawley,
baggago master ou tho express train
on the Hartford and New Haven
railroad, was badly injured by a heavy
trunk falling upon him. llu wife was
so affected by the news sent by tele
graph that she dropped dead. Tho
unfortunate and doubly afflicted roan
was taken to his dosolato home, where
within a week's time he witnessed the
death of his only child.
Dr. G , of Sycamore, Illinois,
riding iu the country saw a sign
upon a gate-post, reading thus : "This
farm for sail." Stopping his horse, ho
hailed a little woman who stood ou
tiptoe, hanging out clothes. "I say,
madam, when is it going to sail?"
"Just as soon," replied the old lady,
placing her thumb to her nose, "us
anybody conies along who can raise
tho wind." The doctor drove thought
Ono of our modern poets has the
following fino lino : "Oh, she wits fair,
but sorrow eume and left its traces
there!" What becamo of tho remain
der of the harness lie does not stute.
A Ccitioca Cask. Tho gentlemau
hose countenance fell ou hearing of
the los of his property, is beginning
to pick up a bit, and hopes toon to
put a good fin. on it.
An old farmer went into a drug
store a short time ago, after an alma
nac. He was handed one of Jayne's,
but indignantly refused, saying that it
was a d d humbug. "Last year,"
Baid he, "I lost a couple of tons of
hay by one of his almanacs. The book
said it would be pleasant on a certain
day, and I left my grass out and lost
it X won t have either his almanac or
his medicine." And so the old chap
took another sort.
"I once dreamed," said Tat, "that I
called upon the President, an he axed
me wud I drink. I tould him I didn t
care if I tuk a drop of punch. 'Could
or hot?' axed the President 'Hot,
yer excellency,' said I; and he stepped
down in tho kitchen for some bilin'
water, and beforo he got back I woke
strate up, and now its distressm me
that I didn t take it could I
A good story is told of a Nashua, N.
II., physician, who recently vaccinated
a family of twelve persons and charged
twelve dollars. A few days thereafter
he took a dozen cabbage plants in
part pay, as he supposed, but upon
final settlement learned, to bis surprise,
that Mr. Farmer charged doctor's
prices "one dollar a head,"
For a specimen of logical consecu
tion of ideas we venture to commend
this from a school-boy's composition :
"Tobacco was invented by a man
named Walter Raleigh. When the
people first saw him smoking they
thought he was a steamboat, and as
they had never seen a steamboat they
A Collinsville, Ct, man who had
for years suffered rheumatism and
been unable to labor, recently lent a
hand in extinguishing a burning barn
ana was inorougniy ureucneu wnu wa
ter, remaining wet three hours. To
11 , 1 J
his astonishment he now finds himself
entirely cured of his disease.
They have a severe attack of rail
road fever at Puget Sound. One of
the papers closes a long article with :
"lhen blow, ye winds i put your sn
ders to the wheel, ye steam gods!
hasten on the tune for which we are
looking, longing, dying 1,"
A gentleman said to an old lady
who had brought up a family of chil
dren near the Merrimack river, "I
should think you would have lived in
constant fear that some of them would
have got drowned." "Oh, no," respond
ed the old lady, "we only lost three or
four that way.
In some recent discussion societies
thev debated strange questions. The
last was: "What is the difference be
tween the 'Bridge of Sighs' and the
size of a bridgo? ' The next is to be
"The difference between a fac-similo
and a sick-family."
A gentleman from Boston on a visit
to his friend in the country, speakin,
of the times, observed that his wife
had lately expended fifty dollars for
habit. His friend replied, "Here, in
the country wo don't allow our wives
to get into such habits.
Infuriated Commanding Officer of
the Smith Guard. "Hi, there; get
away, you roadman get away from
the target I" Easy-Minded Luntic
"Hold on, guv nor, 1 am t as mad as
look. I was here all day yesterday
and found it much the safest place in
A Rhode Island man married
Massachusetts girl ; last Thursday he
went home unexpectedly, and threw a
fellow, whom he found running counu
bial opposition to inm, out ot a tw
A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the
preacher, it no would have a light
"No, child," says the doctor, "I am one
of the lights ot the world." "I wish,
then," replied the boy, "you were hung
at tho end ot our alley, tor it is a very
"January," a New York gambler,
being flat broke ono night, put a loz
enge ou the queen, aud the dealer,
mistaking it for a split check, paid the
bet 1 rom this beginning he took
$1,500 out of tho bauk that night.
Why cut your own heir off with
shilling when you can get a barber to
cut your hair off for you and shampoo
you iuto the bargain for that very
A couple who were recently married
in New Orleans, announced "No wed
ding cards, no bridal tour, no honey
moon." They evidently mean busi
There is a lad of our acquaintance
who regards hunger and tho chastuii-
ing rod as about the same thing; both
make him holler.
This is tho Iutet contribution to
piscatorial study by the board of edu
cation; Question What is the cause
of the sallneos of the water of the
oceau? Answer Tho cod-full.
A French doctor has written a lifo
of tho devil, including his subject
essays oil political economy and what
ho knows about warming.
The editor of an Eastern paper hav
ing received a bunk-noto detector, re
turns thuuks, and modestly nks for
some bauk-notes upon hu.h to Ui-t
The worst thing out out of temper.
The best thing out out of debt.
A hard-set Illinois thief recently
stole the lightning-rod off a church.
Coming to Grief Meeting trouble
Ah Bung is the name of a Chinese
pugilist in San Francisco.
Two Virginia! farmers fought a duel
with a scythe and an axe.
What have you to expect at hotels ?
nn attention. .
Tennvson is again Idvlintr away his
time. Dct. Freo Press.
The London underground railway
cost four million dollars a mile.
An Illinois church was carried bodi
ly six miles on a freight car.
His girl "shook him" and ho lumped
into the river at Quincy, 111.
A now German fiction unfolds its
slow length in nine volumes.
An English lady has been sued for
breach of promise by a farmer.
A Model for a bust almost any pat
ent boiler model. Low. Cour.
An Atlanta negro owns to having
had eight wives and sixty-four chil
dren. A gentlemanly New Orleans thief
returned a wedding ring he had stolen.
Illinois chickens scratched up a
gold watch that was lost seventeen
Wachtel, the German tenor, was
once a hack driver; now he's ou the
Why is the sun lika a good loaf?
Because it is light when it rises.
What is that which is so brittle that
if you name it you are sure to break
it? bifence. ...
What is it that goes up the hill and
down the hill, and yet never moves?
The road.. ...
What drink should sailors be fond
of? Port. '
Why should the speaker of the
House wear spectacles? Bccauso so
many attempts are mado to "catch
, What is the difference between an
egg-shell and a physican ? One 1b M T
and the other is M. D.
Which is the most appropriate driuk
for fops? Spruce.
When ia theatrical mannagcr like an
astronomer? When he discovers a new
Why are young ladies so partial to
sunset and twilight? Because they aro
daughters of Eve.
Spurgeon thinks sorao ministers
would make good martyrs they are
so dry they would burn well.
At a recent marriage in Illinois, the
4he groom was forty and the bride
twelve and half years of age.
A Swimming-master may sometimes
be said to be literally immersed in
The Chicago Republian calls this
"an explodemical season for kerosene
Thirty years ago there were not
twenty wood engravers in the United
States. Now there are four hundred.
Tall gentleman should beware of
the habit of kissing little ladies, as it
might in time make them round-shouldered.
If a man lias carrotv hair and a tur
nip nose, with a radish complexion,
must he necessarily have vegetablo
marrows in his bones ?
A carpenter named Frank Marklcy
fell from the roof of a barn in Wash
ington township, a few days ago, re
ceiving serious injuries.
A journal certifies to the existence
of a young lady who took out fifty
seven hair pins from her coiffure and
yet her hair did not come down.
Victoria's daughtor, Crown Princess
of Frussia, is growing fat, like her
mother. She is 31 yoars old, and has
given birth to six chrildrcn.
The two now Roman Catholic Cathe
drals in New York city will cost $4,
000,000 each. "That a the way tho
There are many newspapers that
mako little noise in tho world ; but tho
ladies will testify that they can make
a great "bustle.
New York and New Jersey people
driuk more beer thau thoso of any
other two States the yearly average
consumption, beiug 248 glasses for ev
ery man, woman, aud child.
When a man aud a Christian brud
der runs away with the Church plato
at Memphis, one deacon catches him
aud ho Kls liiiu whilo auothcr fixes him
for the coroner.
A young gentleman of PittsnVld,
MasM,'htu receully involved himself in
difficulty by steuling empty bottles
from tho back door of a drug store,
and then carrying them roitud to tho
front door ami selling thcni to tho
KJ l. will jwy.