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THE 'MONTROSE , -DEMOCRAT:
E. B. HAWLEY, Proprietor.
CROSSIMON & BALDWIN,
ATTORARTS AT LAW.—ofllee ovcr the etore of Win.
J.l[ottud, on Public Avenue, Montrose P..
*Tr: di iiimicror.
Montrose, Mardi 1.1871.
- J. D. VAIL,
alirsOrarinaPtrtsiclAs Aso Smaosox. flag permanently
located tamer In Montrose, Pa , where he will prompt
tattend to all tails in his profession with which be may
ie ern:me& Office and residence west of the Court
Hoe" near Fitch d Watson's office.
Montrose, February 8, 1871.
litTren I WATSON, Attorneys 01 Law, at the old office
of Bentley I Flteh. Montrose. Pa.
t. F. ram [Jan. li, "O.(
CHARLES N. STODDARD,
Defer to Boots and Shoes, lints and Cape. Leath, and
W.ndltitts, Main Street, tat door bnloO Boyd'. Store.
• Wort made to order. and repairing done neatly.
Montrose, Jan. 1, IVO.
CHILES do BLAKESLEE,
Atteruo and Counsellors et Law. Office the one
imtofore occupied by 11.11 & G. P. Little. on Main
street, Montrose, Ps. (Aprlllo.
a. MUM. GEO. P. =TILL. E. L. ELLEESLEL.
IL mamma., C. C. Fentn, W. 11. mcc,..:
MCKENZIE, FACELOT & CO.
Daum In Dry Goode, Clothing, Ladle' nod Misses
Atm Shoos. Us°, agents for the great American
Tea and Coffee Company. ['Montrose. Ya ,op 1;70,
SHAVING . AND HAIR DRESSING.
nap la the ileßr Postedfoe hnilding, where he will
Ise Nand ready to attend all who nay want anything
la his line. Montrose, Sta. Oct. 13. 1809.
AACTIONICER—SeIIaDtp Goods, and Iderchardze--also
aibinds at Vendnes. All orders left at my house will
tecehy prompt attention. [Oct. 1, 185.9—tf
0. H. HAWLEY,
DEALER in DRY GOODS, GROCF:RIF.S. CROCIir.RY
Itardwaro, Het., Cape, Istoots.Shoce. Ready Made Cloth
tag. Paint", MD, etc., Sees 31111crel. Pa. ISept. 8, 'O.
DR. S. W. DAYTON,
'WISMAR & SURGEON. tandem his services to
the elate= of Oro-at Bend and vii laity. Oflice at Ilia
resedente, opposite Barnum Route, 03 't. Deed village.
Sept. Ist, IStat.—lf
CLUMBIBILTM d VeCOLLFM. Alton:v.l, and Conn.
senors at Law. OfEce in the Brick IllOck over the
Dank. [Montrose &pg. 4. Ist;9.
A. Ciannew.m. . • J. B. MeCott.cw.
A. & D. IL LATHROP,
DEALERS in Dry Goods. Groceries,
crockery and glassware, table and pocket cutlery.
Palate, oils, dye stuffs. Bate. boots and shore. sole
leather. Perfumery de. Brick Block. adjoining the
Rank. Montrose. [ August :1. NO —tr
A. Lancsor, - - D. R. Lst.nnor.
A. 0. WARREN,
A rrorcisT A.' LAW. Bormty. Bock ray. Penolon
sad Stem on Claims nttended to. Or re fl -
—*or below Boyd's Store, ?dont r ot-t .I'n. (Au. 1,'69
• N: M. C. SUTTON,
Auctioneer, and Insurance Agent,
C. S. GILBERT,
Great Bend, Pa
.4 M. I ELY,
B. AL113102 , 11.1C1TL 4 0 ,1 2.1" . .
411 C. 1, 180. Addre-•, Brooslyn, Pa
FASHIONABLE TAII3R, Montrose. Pa Shop over
Chandler's Store. AP (Mien. third In first-rate Ftyle.
Vatting done on chart not Its. and warranted to ht.
V. w. SMITH,
CLTINET AND CHAIR mAsurAcTuracrs.—r , ..
of Main street. Muutxose. P. jalq7. I.
DSOs= (u Staple 61.1,7 Fancy Dry Goods. Crocker%
J•dsirrere, Iron, Stores, Dro gs, Ulls. and Paints
Boottand Shoes, flat e S Caps sr. Buffalo Robes
Grocertes,Provislons. c.c., Ness Milford. Pa.
DR. Jr:. P. HINES,
Vas persaancatly . located at Fricridaritle for the per
isia of practictug medicine and eurgery in all IL,
branches. Re may be found at the Jackeon Hence.
Ofllee boars from 8 a. m.. to 8. p. m.
Yeemdsallie, Pa., Ang. I. 1,89.
STROUD & BROWS,
,ThZ AND LIFE MA 2.IA.Ne Et ACIPSTS. Al'
baldness attended to promptly, u n fair forme. Were
lest door north of . Montroeu Hotel," west ride o'
labile Aveune. iflontroor, Pa. [Aug. 1,160.
Ittuawas 8 fr.orro, • - t.n nioe L. BIM.),
WM. D. LUSK,
♦TTORNSY AT LAW. Montrose. Ya. Mice opp,
elte the Tarbell House, near the Court /102..
MIS. 1. 1867.—tt
DR. IV. IV. SMITH,
DIMITIsv. Booms over Boyd & Corwin's Yard
1111111, Store. Office hours from 9 a. m. to 4 p. m.
Nantrose, Aug. 1. 1869.—tf
ABEL TIIBB E I.L,
In Drage, Patent Medicine', Chemicals
1: VN I21 ars. Paints, 011a,Dye stuffs. Vanishes, WI n
Wass, Groceries, Glass Ware, Wall and Window Ps.
Cist.3totte-ware, Lamps,'Kerneene, ilachinery Oil!,
Gans, AMMUllil.lol3, Knives. spectacles
11 - rushea, Fancy Goode, Jewelry, Perle 1%.
Wog gone of the most numerou.; atenelve, and
valuable collections of Goode in Susquehanna Co.—
Zataldlabed In 18113. [Montrose, Pa.
D. W. SEARLE,
In the B rick Bloc k. Montrone.
DR. W. L. RICHARDSON,
nninCIAN & nt:RGEON. tenders his professions,
ilervices to the citizens of Montrose and vicinity.—
Oo9hicsry.i dence, on the corner[ e A a u t. g o l fS laB9e. &
DR. E. L. GARDNER,
PHYSICIAN and SURGEON. Montrose. Pa. Gives
especial attention to dieeanes of the Heart end
binge and all Surgical disease.. Office over W. B.
Desa.s Boards at Searle's Hotel. ping. I. ISO.
HVIISS & NICHOLS,
DMALsetS In Drags, Medicines, Chemicals. Dye
,TAIL Ptluta, Oils, Vernleh, Liquors, Spices. Fancy
sr-.ups, Agent Medicines. Perfumery and Toilet Ar
ticker. EfrPrascriptions carefully compounded.—
rnbile Avenue, above Searle's Motel. Moa trope, Pe
A. B. Swots, Anus Illcucno.
Atig. 1, 1869.
DR. E. I DIANDD.ICK,
?UYSICIAN & SURGEON, respectfully renders hi
professional services to the citizen of Friendsrille
and vittntty. 1139 - oOlce lathe °Mee of Dr. Lect
Hawls at J. Uosford's. Ace. 1,1869.
fia3rti Bartorr, returns his thanks for the kind pat
that has enabled him to net the best rent —ha
gintutv'ot time to tell the whole story, bet toms
and we lbr yonreeres rar at the Old Stand. load
baxting allowed in the shop. [April la. /M.
Wholesale & Retail Dealers in
HARDWARE, IRON, STFFT.,
NAILS, SPIKES, SHOVELS,
MEE RAIL, OOTTSITESSVNE d T RAIL SALEM
• . EALLEOAD 511:1750 SUPPLIES.
:WAUGH EPRING,S. AXLES, SKEINS AND
BOXES, BOLTS, NUTS wad IVASMEBB,
PLATED BANDS MALLEABLE
IRONS, HUES, SPOKES,
IEZLOEB, SEA T SPINDLES, BORN.
&MUM VICES. STOCKS and DIES. BELLOWS
SASSRRS. SLEDGES. FILES, &e. &e.
cremes AND max sews. RFLTING. PACKING
TACKLE BLOCKS. PLASTER PARIS
HAIR & GRINDSTONES.
71C6508 WINDOW GLASS.LEATHER& FINDINGS
entelests. Karat ht. ISIS.
Agri=ltaral °allege, of Pennsylvania.
TED DrI3TITIITION will reopen for rho
SkRING TERM OF 24 WEEKS,
On Friday, February 10, 1871
gr a "meal
don, Address Circular, catalogue and, other In
• THOS. H. BUllROWS:President,
Agricultural tollcgor. 0.,
Jas. 25, 187tX—tf. Ccutrc Co., Pa,
The Fire by the Sea.
The following lines will be recognized by the
readers of Alice Cary's poems as among the
most beautiful of the many graceful stanzas from
her pen. Those not familiar with her works
will gather therefrom some Idea of the style of
the lamented anthems :
There were seven fishers with their net" in their
And they walked and talked by the seaside
Yet sweet_ as the sweet dew fall
The words they spake; though they spake so low,
Across the long, dim centuries flow,
And we know them, one and all—
Aye, know them and love them all.
Seven sad men in the days of old,
And one was gentle, and one was bold.
And they walked with downcast eyes;
The bold was Peter, the gentle was John,
And they all were sad, for the Lord was gone,
And they knew not if he would rise—
Knew not if the dead would rise.
The live long night, till the moon went out,
in the drowning waters they beat about ;
Beat slowly through the fogs their way;
And the sails drooped down with clinging wet,
And no man drew but in empty net,
Aud now 'twas the break of day—
The great glad break of day.
" Cast your nets on the other side"—
('Twas Jesus speaking across the tide}—
And they cast and were dragging hard;
But that disciple whom Jesus loved,
Cried straightway out, for his heart was moved:
"It is our risen Lord—
Our Muster, and our Lord !"
Then Simon, girdling his fisher's coat,
Went over the nets and out of the boat—
Aye ! first of them all was he;
Repenting sore the denial past.
lie feared n longer his heart to cast
Like an anchor into the sea—
Down deep into the hungry sea.
And the others, through the mist so dlm,
In a little ship came after him,
Drugging their net through the title ;
And when they had gotten close to the land
They saw a fire of coals in the sand,
And, with arms of love so wide,
Jesus, the crucified !
'Ti. long, and long, and long ago,
Sluce the rosy lights began to flow
O'er the hills of Galilee;
And vrith eager eyes and lifted hands
The seven &hers saw on the sands
The fire of coals by the sea—
On the wet wild sands by the sea.
'Tis long ago, yet faith in our souls
Is kindled just by that fire of emit.
That streamed o'cr the mists of the
Where Peter, girding his fisher's coat,
Went over the net and out of the boat,
To answer, " Lor'st thou roe?"
Thrice over, " Lov'st thou use
The Perplexed Flouutekeeper
I wish I had a dozen pairs
Of hands this very minute
Td soon put all things to rights—
The very deuceds in it.
Here's a big washing to be done,
One pair of hands to do it—
Sheets, shirts and stockings, coats and pants
How will I e're get through it?
Dinner to get for six or more,
Not a loaf left o'er for Sunday,
The baby cross as be can live—
ns always so on Monday.
There's the cream, 'tis getting sour,
I must forthwith be churning,
And here's Bob wants a button on—
Which way shall I be turning?
'Tis time the meat was in the pot,
The bread was worked for baking!
The clothes were taken from the boil—
Oh dear! the baby's waking!
Oh dear! It P— comes home,
And finds things in this bother
llc 11 just begin, and tell me all
About his tidy mother.
How nice her kitchen used to be,
Her dinner always ready
Exactly when the dinner bell rung—
Hush, hush, dear little Freddy.
And then will come some hasty word,
Right out before I'm thinking—
They say that hasty words from hives
Set sober men to drinking.
Now isn't that a great ides,
That men should take to sinning,
Because a weary, half-sick wife
Can't always smile so winning ?
When I was young I used to earn
My living without trouble;
Had clothes and pocket money too,
Aud hours of leisure double.
I never dreamed of such a fate
When I, a Cass! was courted—
Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, house
keeper, chamt ermald, laundress dairy
woman, and scrub gencially, doing the
work of six,
For the sake of being supported.
revitito and Witiciono.
Babies are described as coupons at
tached to the bonds of matrimony.
Money may be said to be damp
when it is.dew in the morning and mist
.- 4 Do you see anything ridiculous in
this wig?" said a brother judge toCurrau.
"Nothing but the head," he replied.
—A paper has this adrertisdment:
"Two sisters want washing." We fear
that millions of brothers are in the same
--- Self-love is at once the most deli
cate and the most tenacious of our senti
ments; a mere breath will wound it, but
nothing on earth can kill it.
The pebbles in our path weary ne,
and ! make ns foot-sore, more than the
rocks which only require a bold effort to
—Since the papers told of that . girt
who jot married by washing a ch il d's
face m the street , a ll the sensible girls
carry towels with them.
MONTROSE, PA., WEDNESDAY APRIL 5, 1871.
BY AN ATTORNEY
Cnarles Lamb gives a funny account of
the origin of roast pig. The owner of a
litter of juvenile porkers, roasted to death
by the casual burning of the family sty,
in picking about among the ruins, and
sorrowfully handling the crisp remains,
chanced to burn his figers. Clapping
them to his month, he tasted a pleasure
so exquisite that it made him at once for
get his pain and his loss. Pouncing on
the prize, he not only . dispatched the
whole barbecue at a sitting, but licked his
lips for more.
The story got wind, and the entire
country was ablaze with burning pi g -pens;
.nor was it till many years after, that some
adventurous innovator shocked the adhe
rents of conservative cookery, by propo
sing a new and less expensive process of
preparing the favorite dish.
It is not for us lawyers to laugh at this.
None have been more prone than we to
roast pigs according to precedent. All of
us can remember when, in every action to
recover the value of one man's property
wrongfully appropriated by another. It
was necessary to allege a fictitious losing
by the former and finding by the latter ;
and all because the first case of the sort,
hundreds of years ago, happened to be one
of real losing and finding. Nay, I have
even known the loss and flliding of a
patch of cabbages to be solemnly averred,
and no lawyer thought of smiling at it..
In the department of evidence we have
been especially slow to learn. If you want
to know how cramped and artificial its
rules are, just get into the witness-box to
tell all you know about. some case, and see
how much you'll be let to tell.
Twenty years ago it was worse. No one
was then admitted as a witness who was
either a "party to the record" or intere
sted to a cent's worth in the controversey.
The consequence was a frequent impossi
bility of proving, by competent witness
es, undoubted facts, which neither of the
litigants, had they been suffered to speak,
would have thought of &hying. The
devices to which counsel and clients were
driven by a rule so unreasonable were of
ten amusing enough.
On one occasion, a countryman, visit
ing the city, deposited his money—some
two hundred dollars--with his landlord,
no one being present at the time.. Next
day having occasion to make some pur
chases, he applied for his money, and was
met with a cool denial of its having been
ever received. On taking legal counsel,
the gentleman was astonished to learn
that, being without a witness, as matters
stood, his case was hopeless.
The lawyer, however, was a man of re
sources. hismissing his client with di
rections to return in a couple of days, he
called to his aid a reliable friend, to whom
he privately unfolded his plans.
Acting under the lawyer's instruction:,
the friend presented himself at the inn as
a guest, and, after securing quarters, de
posited three hundred dollars in theland
lord's hands ' taking good care to have a
witness by. Some hours after he called
alone for the money, and the landlord,
knowing there was a proof of the deposit,
made no difficulty in handing it over.
The same day boniface was served with
a writ for the three hundred dollars, and,
on seeking advice, was told that as there
was a witness-to his receipt of the money,
and none to its return, he had nothing for
it but to pay it again. With two hundred
dollars of it the lawyer reimbursed the
countrymen, and kept the remainder fur
Not less adroit was the march that Lije
Loomis stole on the " Statute of Limita
tions." Lije was the factotum of Guy's
Neck. He did a miscellaneous business
as carpenter, cow-doctor and coffin ma
ker—adding to his other functions that of
undertaking to the county poor-house.
He was, withal, an easy, good-natured
fellow, free to trust, and a most indulgent
Among the others whom Lije had trus
ted to his cost was Greg Grimes, without
exception the greatest promise maker and
breaker in Guy's Neck. I verily believe
he would, if possible, have put a creditor
off till the last judgment, and then, on
the score of its being a busy day, have
begged him to wait till to-morrow.
Greg had wheedled Lije with promises
till the latter's claim was "outlawed."
Losing patience at last, Lije took his ac
count over to the Squire's, when, to his
no small discomfiture, he learned that un
less he could get a new promise from his
debtor, with a witness to it, he might
whistle fur his bill.
Such fellows as Greg always kilow a
good deal of law, especially the sharp
points of it. Greg would talk as freely
and was as full of promises as ever when
he and Lije were alone, but before others
would either evade the subject, or else re
main provokingly mum.
• 'One day Lije drove up to Greg's door
with his old gray 'mare and spring-wagon,
a plain pine coffin—one of those flat-topp
ell affairs deemed good enough for poor
folks—being visible behind the seat.
" Mornin , neighbor," said Lije.
" Same to you," said Greg. " Coin' to
plant a pauper, I see."
" Y-a-a-s; old Boke tx.ok rather suddent
leave last night, and went to try the char
ity of another world."
Which is no more'u fair," said Greg,
"seein' how long he's liecil on the charity
"'Would you mind gittin' in and eomin,
along, neighbor?" said Lije.; "it's mighty
dull goin' to a funeral all alone by one's
Greg didn't mind, and straightway
mounted by Liji's side,
The two chatted away after a sort to
prove how cheerful good company can
render even a grave occasion.
L'spose you hevn't forgot that little
bill o' mine:" Lije at last took the liberty
"Not by no means," said Greg. "Let's
see now—boa much did yon say it was?
I misremember rightly."
"Even sixty-nine dollars, besides seven
"Quite right," Greg assented; "I rec
ollect it now."
"Ef it's at all incouvenient to pay it,"
said Lije, "don't you vut yourself out on
"I've been threatenin' to settle it for a
month back," said Greg; "but times - hev
been tight, an'—aa' bow would Monday
week do ?"
"To a dot," answered Lije.
"I'll send it round," answered Lije.
A curious sound came from the coffin.
The ghost of a chuckle, Durdles would
have called it. Greg gave one jump, and
"tit" in an adjacent cow-pasture. Look
ing back he saw Lije's 'prentice the most
mischievous in Guy's Neck, but with
plenty of sense, and of lawful age to be a
witness, sitting up in the coffin laughing
like mad !
Greg took in the situation at a glance.
He had been duped into committing him
self before a witness.
"It's a dirty, nasty, mean trick!" he
" What is it ?" said Lije
" Why, tritliu' with a body's feelin's
about old Boke, makiu' blieye he's dead !"
"An' so he is," said Lijie ;".
"only I was
going arter the buddy instid of fetchin'
Greg turned off in digest Lijic bawling
after him :
"Don't forgit Monday week, an' p'r
haps it,ll save us both some trouble."
Greg didn't forget; but he has never
more than half enjoyed himself at a fu
A Question Answered
BY BARK TWAIN"
" DISCARDED LOVER."—" I loved, and still
love, the beautiful Edivitha Howard, and intend
ed to marry her. Yet, during my temporary
absence at Benicia, last week, alas! she married
Jones. Is my happiness to be thus blasted for
life ? Have Ino redress ?"
Of course you have. All the law, writ
ten and unwritten, is ou your side. The
intention and not the act constitutes
crime—in other words, constitutes the
deed. If you call your bosom friend a
fool, and intend it for an insult; it is an
insult; but if you do it playfully, and
meaning no insult, it is not an insult.
If you discharge a pistol acculentaly, and
kill a man, you can go free, for you have
done no murder; but if you try to kill a
man, and manifestly intend to kill him,
but fail utterly to do it, the law still holds
that the intention constituted the crime,
and von are guilty of murder. Ergo, if
you had married Edwitha accidentally,
and without really intending to do it, you
would nut actually be married to her at'
all, because the act of marriage could not
be complete without the intention. And
ergo, in the strict sense of the law,since you
deliberately intended to marry Edwitha,
and didn't do it, you are married to her
all the same—because, as I said before,
the i lurn nv; rna._ it is
as clear as day that Edwitha is your wife,
and your redress lies in taking a club and
mutilating Jones with it as much as yon 1
can. Any man has a right to protect his
-owe witgfrom the advances of other men.
Bat von have another alternative—yon
were married to Edwitha first, because of
your deliberate intention, and now you
can prosecute her for bigamy. in subse
quently marrying Jones. But there is
another phose in this complicated case:
Yon intended to marry Edwitha, and
consequently, according to law, she is your
wife—there is no getting around that;
but she didn't marry you. and if ehe never
I intended to marry you. you are not her
husband, of course. Ergo, in marrying
IJones, she was guilty of bigamy, because'
she was the wife of another man at that
I time; which is all very well as far as it
goes—but then, don't you see, she had no
other husband when she married Jones,
and consequently she was not guilty of
bigamy. Now, according to this view of
the case, Jones married a spinster, who
I was a widow at the same time, and anoth
er man's wife at the same time, and yet
who had no husband Ad never had one,
and never had any intention of getting
married; and, therefore, of course, never
had been married, and, by the same reas
oning, you are tr bachelor, because you
Lase never been any one's husband; and
a married man, because you have a wife
living; and to all inteiits and purposes a
widower, because you have been deprived
of that wife; and a consanmate ass fur
going off to Benicia in the first place,
while things were so mixed. And by this
time I have got myself so tangled up in
the intricacies of this extraordinary case,
that I shall have to give up any further
attempt to advise you—l might get con
-1 fused and fail to make myself understood.
I think I could take up the argument
where I left off, and by following it close
ly awhile, perhaps I could prove to your
satisfaction, either that you never existed
at all, or that you are dead now, and con
sequently don't need the faithless Edwitha
—I think I could do that, if it would
j afford you any comfort.
What the Knights of Phylblas Are.
The order of "The Knights of Pythias"
i s b ecom ing so widely spread and pros
perous that the public have a seasonable
curiosity to know something of its char
acter and purposes. The ritual was first
written and the Order worked during
the war us a bond of union between army
officers. After the war's close it was re
written, modified and thrown open to the
people, and has spread rapidly, particar.
larly within the past two years, and hi'
the Eastern States. Its work and intent
are very similar to those of the Masonic
Oorder. Founded on friendship, with
the famous tale of Damon and Pythias as
their example, the members aim to relieve
the suffering, succor the unfortunate,eare
for the sick, bury the dead, and give their
sympathy and material aid to the widows
and orphans of each other. The com
plete regalia consists of a military hat,
with plumes ; •a scarlet . velveteen sash,
with silver fringe; an apron of black vel
vet, handsomely trimmed iu silver with
the emblem of the order, a knight's hel
met with the visor down, the letter's B.
L., and the initials of the officer; if the
wearer be an officer; and a sword made
to their order by the Ames . Company of
Chicopee with elegant wrought hilt and
scarlet scabbard, the hilt and scabbad be
ing gold for the officers and silver for the
knights, and blade bearing the name of
theivesrer. They bays also some com
plete suits of light armor, very curious to
look upon in these days.--Boston Paper.
A Trade In Riddles.
Nine persons sailed from Basle down
the Rhine. A Jew, who wished to go to
Schalampi, was allowed to come on board,
and journey with them, upon condition
that he could conduct himself with
propriety, and give the captain eighteen
kreutzers for his passage.
Now, it is true something jingled in the
Jew's pocket when he had struck his
hand against it; but the only money there
was a twelve-krentzer piece, for the other
was a brass buttan.
During the first part of the voyage the
passengers were very talkative and merry,
and the Jew with his wallet under his
arm, for he did not lay it aside, was an
object of much mirth and mockery, as,
also, is often the case with those of his
nation. But as the vessel. sailed onward,
and passed Thuringen and St. Velt, the
passengers, one after another, grew silent,
and gaped, and gazed listlessly down the
river, until one cried:
"Come, Jew, do
, you know any pastime
that will amuse us ? Your fathers must
have contrived ninny a one during their
journey in the wilderness"
"Now is my time," thought the Jew,
"to shear my sheep."
He then proposed that they should sit
round in a circle, and he with their per
mission would sit with them. Those who
could not answer the questions any one
proposed should pay the one who pro
pounded them a twelve-krcutzer piece.
This proposal pleased the company, and,
hoping to divert themselves with the Jew's
wit, or stupidity, each one asked at ran
dom whatever chanced to enter his head.
Thus. for example, one, the first, asked:
" How many soft-boiled eggs could the
giant Goliah eat on an empty stomach ?"
All said it was impossible to answer that
question; but the Jew said, "One; for he
who has eaten one egg cannot pot another
on an empty stomach," and the other paid
him twelve kreutzers.
"Wait, Jew," thought the second, "I
will try_ Ton out of the New Testament,
and I think I shall win my piece." Then
said he, "Why did the Apostle Paul write
the Second Epistle to the Corinthians?"
" Because he was not in Corinth," said
the Jew, otherwise he would have spoken
to them." So he won another twelve
When the third saw that the Jew was
so well versed in the Bible, he tried him
in a different way. "Who," said he,
"prolongs his work as long as possible,
and completes it in time ?"
The rope-maker, if he is industrious,"
said the Jew.
In the meantime they drew near to the
village, and said one to the other, "That is
Barnlull." Then the fourth said, "In
what month do the people of Bamlach
"In February," said the Jew, "for it
has only twenty-eight days."
"There are tw•o natural brothers," said
the fifth, "cud still only one of them is
"The uncle is your father's brother."
said the Jew, "and your father is not your
A fish now leaped out of the water, and
the sixth asked, "What fish has his eyes
" The smallest," said the Jew.
The seventh asked, "How can a man
ride from Basle to Bern in the shade, in
the slimmer time, when the sun shines ?"
"When he comes to a place where there
is no shade he must dismount and go on
foot," said the Jew.
The eighth asked, "When a man rides in
the winter time from Bern to Basle, and
has forgotten his gloves, how must he
manage so that his hands shall not freeze?"
" He must make fists out of them,"
said the Jew.
The ninth was the last. This ono ask
ed, "How can five persons divide five eggs
so that each man shall receive one, and
still one remain in the dish ?"
" The last man must take the dish with
the egg," said the Jew, "and he cau let it
lie there as long as you please."
But now it came to his turn, and he
determined to make a clean sweep. After
many preliminary compliments, he asked
with an air of mischievous friendliness,
"How can a man fry two trouts in three
pans, so that a trout my lie in each pan ?"
No one could answer this, and one alter
the other gave him a twelve krentzer
piece ; but when the ninth desired that he
should solve the riddle, he rocked to and
fro, shrugged his shoulders, and rolled his
" I am a poor Jew," he said at last.
"What has that to do with it ?" cried
the rest. "Give ns the answer."
" You must not take it amiss," said the
Jew,"for I am a poor Jew."
A last, after much persuasion, and
many promises that they would do him
no harm, he put his hand into his pocket,
took out one of the twelve krentzers
pieces that he had won, laid it upon the
table, and said :
" I do not know the answer any more
than you. Here are the twelve !trent
When the others heard this, they open.
ed their eves, and said that this was scarce
ly according to the agreement. But as
they could not control their laughter, and
were wealthy and good-natured men, and
us the Jew had helped them to while away
he time from St. Velt to Schalampi, they
let it pass, and the Jew took with him
from the vessel—let a good arithmetician
reckon up for us how much the Jew car
ried home with him. He had nine twelve
kreutzer pieces by his answer, nine with
his own riddle, one in his own pocket to
start with, one he paid back, the eighteen
he gave to the captain.
WHAT Music Doss TO Woon.—Some
authorities contend that the wood of the
violin becomes changed in structure after
being played upon, and is reconstructed
on a finer principle, and for this reason a
4iery old violin that has been treated by
refined playing can hardly be bought, be
cause it has yielded np its original mute
ness and obeys a divine law. When Ole
Bull wished to repair his violin,he waited
till one day some accident in the orchestra
"killed" the doubled bass, when he se-'
cured a portion of the wood to incorpor
ate his instrument. Military music con
verts men from a mob into a machine,
and subjects their wills to the pnipose of
one enthusiastic monient.
VOLUME XXVIII; 'NUMBER 14.
A Calitbrata Story.
BY CAPTAIN NORTON.
In the year 1852, I with three others
who were officers en the good steamship
"Winfield Scott," then lying at the wharf
in San Francisco, became imbued, as
many others before , mg had, and have since
been, with the pervading gold-fever. Re
signing our positians in the good ship,
we started for the famous gold-mines of
"Carson's Creek." Our journey was ac
complished on foot, we carrying our loads
on our backs—the sun in the middle of
the day terrible hot. The nights being
cold, we would build a fire, and wrapping
our blankets around us, "put us in our lit
tle beds," and then compose ourselves to
sleep, soon to be awakened by the dismal
bark of the thousand coyotes, bears, and
other "insects," that would quickly sur
round us. A brand from the fire would
cause them to scamper off ih a hurry,
shaking the ground as they went.
Pursuing our course in the day-time,
our only guide through the forests being
the innumerable "sardine-boxes," that lit
erally paved the way, and constanily in
dread of meeting the noted cut-throat and
robber, " San Joaquin," and his baud,
who were then roaming round the coun
try, the terror of all miners, we finally, at
sunset of the ninth day, reached Carson's
Creek, and took up our quarters in a de
serted log-cabin, standing apart some dis
tance from any other. Building a fire and
sending up to the store in the miners'
camp on the hill for some beef, .we soon
felt as if we were capable of meeting San
Joaquin, bears, or "any other man."
On looking round in the one room of
the cabin, we discovered a platform raised
about three feet from the ground (there
being no floor), which evidently had been
used tor a bedstead, and three of us took
our blanket and laid down to get some
sleep, myself in the middle; 4 4se fourth
one, whose name was Jack Davis, having
been wise enough to bring his hammock
along with him, hung it high up to the
rafters. Sometime during the middle of
the night, the fire having
_gone out, we
were awakened by Jack Davis yelling,
"Jump up, fellers, jump up! There's a
'grizzly' under the bed! He will soon have
your The intelligence of our dangerous
position for a time paralyzed nB, and
neither of us posessing the requisite
amount of courage to get up, we soon be
came engaged with each other iu a des
perate struggle for the middle of the bed,
but I being the strongest, managed to hold
my own. Meanwhile Jack Davis from his
comparatively secure position high up on
the rafters, yelled incessantly for us toget
up and attack the bear—calling us cow
ards, sojers, and threatening to come down
and lick us, bear and all, which brilliant
has nv Inca
My two bedfellows, failing in their at
tempt to get the middle of the bed,agreed
with me to jump for the door, which we
did. But now another difficulty present
ed itself—no one knew how to open it.
Our situation becoming desperate, we
turned to face the animal, and from ander
the bed two large red eyes glared on us,
while from the rafters came the consoling
yells from Jack: "Now he's coming, look
out ! You're all gone! Ain't you a nice
set? Sailors! blast you, you're 'sojers! Go
home!" which last advise every mother's
son of us would then and there have
gladly consented to act upon. Another
struggle now ensued between us three, as
to which should be in front, or rather who
should be behind, when they finally suc
ceeded in thrusting me iu front, and at
the same time the animal sprang out.,
striking me in the breast and face, knock
ing me down, and in my fall taking the
others with me. Each ono thinking he
nad bold of the animal while on the
ground, we gave one another the most
unmerciful pounding that any mortal ev
er received, being encouraged in our good
work by , Davis yelling to us, "Give it to
him, boys! Now you've got him !" until,
after exhaustion, we found out our mis
take, the animal having escaped through
a large hole in the bottom of the door,
that we had not seen before.
Striking a light, we presented a forlorn
and ragged appearance, and concluded we
were not much at mining -life, if that
which we bad just passed through, was a
specimen. Our thoughts wt,re disturbed
by Davis asking us where the bear was,
and if we had killed him. We made no
reply; but mentally swore that we would
be even with him. The opportunity pre
sented itself sooner.itan expected. In the
morning we were invited by some of the
miners to come to their camp and give
them the latest news from home. We
started in the evening, leaving Jack be
hind, as be preferred to sleep in his ham
Relating our terrific combat, it came
out that instead of a bear, it was a poor
old dog that slept there every night, which
accounted for the hole in the door. Our
mortification at the absurdity of the whole
affair was intense, and the miners laughed
heartily. At midnight they accompanied
us home, and reaching the hill that over
looked the creek where the cabin stood, it
occurred to ns that now was the time to
get even with Jack. Firing our revolvers,
throwing large stones on the roof, and
yelling like demons, "San Joaquin !"
"San Joaquin !" we rushed down the hill
only to see poor Jack come out in his shirt,
jump the creek, and bolt like a shot up
Bear's Hill, on the other aide of the val
ley. Through the tangled underbrush he
went, the tail of his shirt streaming out
behind, and he was soon lost in the glootti:
Awaking in the morning we saw the
face ofdack peering through the door, and
such a face we bad never seen before.
Scared was Bo name for it. The very life
seemed frightened out of him.
"Fellers," said Jack, "has he gone ?"
"Who ?" we replied.
No; we hadn't seen anything of him.
"Jack, where bare you•been ?"
"Fellers, I had an awful time last night.
The band was here. I stood my ground
and fought them as long ai I could, 'aud
hurt some of them bad.
"Well, yes, lick; but what wen you
running np the hill so for ,?."
"I was trymg to catch thejait one that
escaped." said Jack.
At this we could hold in no longer,
laughed till our sides ached. It finapy
came to Jack's mind that he had intil 19/(11
and knowing the lies we had detected him
in, ho raved like mad, and would have
considered it a personal favor if we • bad
all indulged him in a fight, which we re
Gram In His LISPior.
A tavern-keeperin Pennsylvania, whose
sign amain and creaked at the foot of
"Laurel Hill," once received a , egll from a
guest from Virginia, and said guest called
for a "mint julep" to slake 'his thirst.
"What is a mint-julep?" inquired the
"A mint-julep is a julep with mint is
it," replied the Virginian,
" Will you make one yourself! Hero
are the liquors, the sugakthe spices, but
I haven't any mint."
" I will make two, ono for each, of L us a
it. I can find the mint."
In a few moments, the" gueit:returned
from afield where he had found some
mintiand he made the coveted beverage.
The tempting doses were repeated over
and over again, and the delighted latidlord
was grateful for the lesson he bad receiv
ed in mixing liquors and making juleps.
The Virginian left the next day,and di
rected his steps homeward. Six months
afterward, he had a business call to the
neighborhood of "Laurel Hill,nand meet
ing a boy in the road, he inquired of him
the whereabouts of his old friend the
" He has gone," said the hoy.
"Where has he gone P" said the strang-
" Ile has gone up," replied the boy.
" What do you mean F"
"Ain't you the man that put grass in
to father's liquor some timo ago ?"
" Yes, I taught yourfittherhow to make
" Well, the old man got to be very fond
of drinks with grass in them,and he kept
on taking them early in the morning un
til late at night; and he never stopped
until ho went under."
W hat do you Menti
" I mean that he kept on taking - grass
in his liquor until he died."
" Did he die drinking mint-juleps?"
" Yes, he died three months ago; he
took too mach grass in his liquor."
"Go It Boblall."
The following is an old story, familiar
with the steamboatmen on the Ohio and
the Mississippi, but good enough to be
retold occasionally, if it is old:
A specimen of the genus "Hoosier,"
was found by Captain —, of The steam
er —, in the engine room of his boat
while lying at Louisville, one fine morn
ill. The Captain inquired what he was
P.opfuln_ Parry 2^"_. watt
the interrogative response.
" Don't know him; and can't tell what
that has to do with your being in \my
engine room," replied the Captain angri
"Bold on, that's what I was just get
ing at. You see Captain Peny asked me
to take a drink, and so—l did. I knew
that I wanted a drink or I should not
have been so dry—So Captain and I went
to the ball—Captain Perry was .putting
on some extra on one toe. I , sung out,
"Go in, Captain Perry, if you bust your
biter." With that a man steps up . to me,
says he: "See here stranger, your intuit
leave." Says I, "what must I leave fur ?"
Says he, "You're a makin' to much noise!'
Says I, I've been in bigger crowds than
this, and didn't leave nether." With that
lie took me by the nap of the neck and the
seat o' my breeches—and I left.
"As I was shoven down the street I
met a lady—l knew she was a lady by the
remark slie made. Says she, 'Young
man, I reckon yotago home with me.
Politeness would not let me refuse,,and
so I went. I had not been in the honso
but a minute when I heard considerable
knocking at the door. I knowed the chap
wanted to get in, whoever he wasor ho
wouldn't have-kept up such a tremendous
racket. By and by says a voice, "Ef you
don't open, I'll bust in the door. And so
lie did. I pot on a bold face, and says I,
"Stranger, does this woman belong to
yon ?" Says he, "She does. Then, said. I,
"She's a lady I think, from what I have
seen of her.
" With that ho came right at me with a
bowie knife in one hand and a pistol in
the other, and being a little pressed for
room, I jumped through the window,
leaving the greater part of my coat tail.
As I was streaking it down town„witii
the fragments fluttering in the breeze, I
met a friend—l know he was a friend by
the remark he made. Ho said, ']o itbob
tail, he's gaining on you: And that's
the way I happened to be in your engine
mem. I'm a good swimmer,lloaptain but
do excuse me, if yon please, from ta king
to the water again." •
—When Horace Greeley traveled. in Eu
rope he was impressed with the value of
drainage, and immediately got an anti
thetical agricultural proverb to 'the effect
that if a man don't drain - his farM, his
farm would drain him. Then goraoe
went to Lombardy, where he witnessed
the fructifying influences' of irri,gaticm by
means of dams; whereupon he added
another proverb to his store of tertie say
ings :" If a man don't dam lus farm his
farm will d—n him."
Tnux Comas:Jß.—A learned m a p has
said that the hardest words to pronounce
in the English language am, "I mule a
mistake." When Fredrick the , ereat
wrote to the Senate, "I have just 'lost :a
battle, and it is my own fault] Goldamith
says, " H is confession Showed. moreigriat
ness than his victories."
A soursrio French gentleman Dr, la'
horde ? has announced the discovery of an
infallible means of distinguishing between
real and apparent death, by slicking a
needle an inch or so into the irapposed
corpse. Tho fact may be new to the sci
entific world, but, we have known for
years, in au empirical way, that if la live
man has a needle run into him to ,suck a
depth ho is pretty sure to manifeit coli
seums esistenee. The novel elenient .of
Dr. Laborde's discovery, however, is that
' in the Living tissues the needle soon . be
comes tarnished and oxidised , whilst. in
the actually defunct it retains is