k ,i r:. 1 SLY. life 1 felli life y phi iff! fl TERMS-PAYABLE IS ADVANCE, --y ,T'Vr'rTjXJTj''VTTVT7i"VTrn T7 K "iittt tt xttihtciti t ttiti , , TERMS - PAYABLE IS ADVAKCE, . (wmminioo.m.) . AN INDEPENDENT FAMILY NEWSPAPER. v $1.26 per Year ; 75 Ots. 0 Months.) ' . . .. " ' '; ' $1.60 per Tear i 85 Ots.e Months. ..... , - - - - r---i--;-r,T -, i-in- -nrr-r-.- tr rn t-t-v n T i-ri r--r - .. , , "Z:Z::. Vol. VIII. I1 New Biobmfield, Pa., Tiiesday, Septeinber is, 1874. TVo. 37. IS PUBLISHED SVBUT TUH8DAT MORNING, BT FRANK MOETIJIER & CO., . At New Bloomfleld, Perry Co., Pa. BelnK provided with Rteam Power, and large Cylinder and 'Job-Presses, we are prepared to do all kinds of Job-l'rlntliif? In . good style and at iow J'rlae. ADVERTISING HATES I ' , Traniitnt 8 Cents per Hue for one insertion 13 15 t two Insertions "three Insertions Business Notices In Local Column 10 Cents per line. S.Kor longeryearly adv'ts terms will be given upon application. . . ,' THE PARSON IN TROUBLE. WE were lu disgrace, we boys, and the reason of it was this: we bod laughed out iu meeting timo 1 To be sure the occasion was a trying one, even to more disciplined nerves. Parson Lothrop bad exchanged pulpits with Parson Summeral of North Warem. Now Parson Summoral was a man in the very outset likely to pro voke the risiblcs of unspiritualized juven iles. He was a thin, wiry, frisky 'little man, iu a powdered white wig, black tights, and silk stockings, with bright knee buckles and shoe buckles, with round, dark, snapping eyes, and a curious, high, cracked,, squeaking voice, the very first tones of which made all the children stare and giggle. The news that Parson Sum meral was going to preach iu our village spread abroad as a preludoto something funny. It had a flavor like the charm of circus acting, and on the Sunday morning of our story we went to the bouse of God in a very hilarious state, all ready to set off in a laugh on the slightest provocation. The occasion was not long wanting. Parson Lothrop had a favorite dog yclept Trip, whoso behavior in meeting was no toriously far from that edifying pattern which befits a minister's dog ou Sundays. Trip was a nervous dog, and a dog that could never be taught to conceal his emo tions or to respect conventionalities. If anything about the performance in the singers' seat did not ploase him, he was apt to express himself in a lugubrious howl. If the sermon was longer than suited him, ho -would gape with such a loud creak of his jaws as would attract everybody's attention. If the flies dis turbed his afternoon's nap, he would give sudden snarls or snaps ; or, if anything troubled his dreams, he would bark out in bis sleep in a manner not only to dispel his own slumbers, but those of certain worthy deacons and old ladles, whose sanctuary repose was thereby sorely troubled and broken. For all these reasons, Madam Lothrop had been forced, as a general thing, to . deny Trip the usual sanctuary privileges of . good family dogs in that age, and shut bira up on Sundays to private meditation. Trip, of course, was only the more set on attendance, and would bide behind doors, jump out of windows, sneak through by-ways and alleys, and lie hid till the second bell had done tolling, when suddenly he would appear in the broad aisle, Innocent and happy, and take his seat as composedly as any member of the congregation. ' Imagine us youngsters on the qui tint with excitement at seeing Parson Summer al frisk up to tlio pulpit with all the vi vacity of a black grasshopper. We looked at each other and giggled very cautiously, with due respect to Aunt Lois' sharp ob servation. ' At first there was only a quiet, mild sim mering of giggle, compressed decorously within the bounds of propriety, and we pursed our muscles up with stringent reso lution whenever wo caught the apprehen sive eyes of our elders. But when, directly after tae closing notes of the tolling second bell, Master Trip walked gravely up the centre Mule, and seating himself squarely in front of the pulpit, raised bis nose with a critical air toward the scene of the forthcoming per formance, it was too much for us the re pression' was almost convulsive. ' Trip wore an alert, attentive air, befitting a sound, orthodox dog, wlu smells a possible heresy, and deems it his duty to watch the performances narrowly. Evidently he felt called upon to see who and what were to occupy that pulpit in his roaster's absence. Up went Parson Bummcral, and up went Trip's nose, vibrating with intense attention. , The parson begun, in bis high, cracked voice, to intone the hymn : ..( . ' Sing to the Lprd aloud,'; v t , , ( when Trip broke out into a dismal bowl. The parson went on to give directions to the deacon in the same voice in which he had been reading, so that the effect of the wholo porformace was somewhat as follows: . i !, ' ' ' 'Sing to the Lord aloud," ' ( I'lense to turn out that dog ) "And make a joyful noise." , . ,; The dog was turned out, and the choir did their best to make a joyful noise, but we boys were upset for the day, delivered over to the temptations of Satan, and plunged in waves and billows of hysterical giggle, from which, neither, winks nor frowns from Aunt Lois, nor tho awful fear of the tithing man, nor the comforting bits of fennol and orange peel passed us by grandmother, could recover us. . . Everybody folt, to be sure, that here was a trial that called for some indulgence. Hard faces, even among the stoniest saints, betrayed a transient quiver of tho risible muscles, old ladies put up their ' fans, youths and maidens in the singers' seat laughed outright, and for a moment a gen eral snicker among the children was par doned. But I was one of the luckless kind whose nerves, once sot in vibration, could not be composed. When the reign of gravity and decorum bad returned, Harry and I sat by each other, shaking with sup pressed laughter. Everything in the sub sequent exercises took a funny turn, and in the long prayer," when everybody else was silent and decorous, the whole scene came over me with such overpowering force that I exploded with laughter, and had to be taken out of meeting and march ed home by Aunt Lois, a convicted crimi nal. What especially moved her indigna tion was that the moro she rebuked and upbraided, the more I laughed, till the tears rolled down my cheeks. Which Aunt Lois construed into willful disrepect to her authority, and resented accordingly. By Sunday evening, as . we gathered around the fire, the reaction from undue gayety to sobriety had taken place, and we were in a pensive and penitent state. Grandmother was gracious and forgiving, but Aunt Lois still preserved that frosty air of reprobation which she held to be a salutary means of quickening our con sciences for the future. It was, therefore, with unusual delight that we saw our old friend Sam come in and sit himself quietly down on the block in the chimney corner. With Sam we felt assured of. indulgence and patronage, for though always rigidly moral and instructive iu bis turn of mind, he had that follow feeling for transgressors which is characteristic of the loose-jointed, easy-going style of his individuality. - " Lord massy, boys yis," said Sam, virtuously, in view of some of Aunt Lola's thrusts, " ye nover ought to laugh nor out up in meetin', that are's so, but then there is times when the best on us gets took down. ' We gets took unawares,, ye see even ministers docs. Yis, natur' will git the upper hand afore they know it." "Why Sara, ministers don't ever laugh in moetiu,' do they ?" We put the question with wide eyes. Such a supposition bordored on profanity, we thought ; it was approaching tho sin of Uziah, who unwarily touched the ark of the Lord. "Laws, yes. Why, haven't you never hoard bow there was a council held to try Parson Morrel for laughing out in prayer time?" Laughing out in prayer-time I" wo both repeated, with uplifted bauds aud eyes. My grandfather's mild face became lu minous with a ' suppressed smile which brightened it as the moon does a cloud, but he said nothing. "Yes, yes," said roy grandmother, " that affair did make a dreadful scandal in tho time on't. But Parson Morrel was a good man, and I am glad tho council wasn't hard on him." " Wal," said Sam Lawson, "aftor all, It was more Ike Babbit's fault than 'twas anybody's. Ye sco, Ike, he was allers for gettin' what be could out of the town, aud be would feed li'm sheep on the meetin' house green. Somehow or other, Ike's fences allers contrived to give out, come Sunday, and up would come his sheep, and Ike was too pious to drive 'em back, Sun day, . so there they was. Ho was talked to enough about it, causo you see, to have sheep and lambs a ba-a-in' aud a blatin' all sermon timo, wa'nt the thing. 'Member that pld mcotin'-house up to the north end, down under Blueberry hill, the land sort o' sloped down, so as a body bed to come into 1 the moetin'-hotiso steppin' down in stead o' up. "Fact was, they said 'twas put there 'cause the land wau't good for nothing olso, and the folks thought puttin' a nioet-in'-house on't would be a clear savin' but Parson Morrel he didn't like it and was free , to tell 'em bis mind on't that 'twas like bringin' the lame and the blind to the Lord's sarvice, but there 'twas. . ." There warn't a bettor minister nor no one mora set by in all the State than Par son Morrel. . His doctrins were right up and down good and sharp, and be . give saints and sinners their meat in due sea son, and for consolin' and comfortin' wld dcrs and orphans women, sot lots by him and he was alius' ready to take tea round, and make things pleasant and comfortable, and be had a good story for eveiy one and a word for the children, and may be an apple or a cookcy in bis pocket for 'em. Wal, you know there ain't no pleasin' everybody, and ef Gabericl himself, como right down out o' heavan, was to come and be a minister I expect thcre'd bo a pickin' at his wings, and a sort o' fault findin. Now Aunt Jerushy Scran and Aunt Polly Hokum they sod Parson Morrel wan't sol emn enough. Ye see there's them that thinks that a minister ought to be jest like the town hearse, so that ye think o' death, judgment and eternity, and nothin' else, when ye see him round ; and cf they see him rosy and chipper, aud bavin' a pretty nice sociable sort of a timo, why they say ho ain't spiritooal minded. But in my times I've seen ministers, the most awak enin' kind in the pulpit, that was the live liest when they was out on't. There is a time to laugh, scripture says, though some folks never seem to remember that there is." " But, Sam, how came you to say it was Ike Babbit's fault? What was it about the sheop?" " Oh, wal, yis I'm comin' to that are. It was all about the sheep I expect they was the instrument the devil sot to work, to temp Parson Monti to laugh in prayer time. " Ye see thore was old Dick, Iko's bell wether, was the fightin'st old crittur that ever ye see. Why Dick would butt at his own shadder and every body said it was a shame the old critter should be left to run loose, 'cause he ran at the children and scared the women half out thoir wits. Wal, I used to live out in that parish in them days, and Lem Sudoo and I used to go out sparkin' Sunday nights to see tho Larkin gals and we had to go right 'cross the lot where Dick was so we used to go and stand at the fence and call, and Dick would see ns and put down bis head and at us full chisel, and come bunt agin the fence and then I'd catch him by the horns and hold him while Lem run and got over fence on t'other side of the lot, and then I'd let go and Lem would boiler and shake a stick at him and away be would go full butt at Lem, and Lem would ketch his horns and bold him till I came over that was the way we managed Dick but ef he come sudden up behind a feller, he'd give him a butt in the small of the back that would make him run on all fours one while he was a great rogue, Dick was. Wal, that Summer I remember they had old Deacon Titkins for tithing-man and I tell you he give it to the boys lively. There warn't no sleopin' nor no play in', for the deacon bad eyes like a gimblut, and he was quick as a cat, and the youngsters hed to look out for themselves. It did really seem as if the deacon was like them four footed beasts in the Revelations that was full o' eyes behind and before, for which ever way he was standin' if , you gave only a wink, he was down on you and hit you a tap with his stick. I know once Lem Sudoo jist wrote two words in the psalm-book and passed it to Keziuh Larkin, and tho dea con gave him such s tap that Lem grow as red as a beet and vowed ho'd ' bo up with him some day for that. ' Well, Lordy Massy, folks that is too chip per and high steppin' has to have their come downs, and the deacon has to have bis. " That are Sunday, I remember it now jest as well as if 'twas yesterday. The parson he give us bis great sermon, re concile' decrees and fieo agency every body said that are sermon was a master piece, lie preached it up to Cambridge at commencement, but it so happened it was ono of them billu' hot days that come In August, when you can fuirly hear the huckleberries a siz.liu' and cookin' ou the bushes, and tho locust keeps a gratin' like a red hot saw. Wal, such times, decrees or uo decrees, tho bast on us will got sleepy. , The old meetin'-house stood right down at the foot of a hill that kep' off all tho wind, and the sun blazed away at them great west winders, and there was a pretty sleepy time there. ( Wal, the deacon he flew rouud a spell, and woke np t,he chil dren and tapped the boys on the bead, and kep' everything straight as ho could till the sermon was 'most through, when he railly got most tuckered out, and he took a chair and be sot down in the door light opposite the minister and fairly got asleep himself, jest as the minister got up to make the last prayer. ... " Wal, Parson Morrel had a way o' pray in' with his eyes open. Folks said it wan't the best way, but it was. Parson Morrel' s way anyhow, and so as he was prayin' he couldn't help scein' that Deacon Titkins was anoddin' and a bobbin' out toward the place where old Dick was feedin' with the sheep, front of the meetin'-house door. . " Lem aud mo was sittin' where we could look out and we jest see old Dick stop feedin' aud look at tho deacon. The deacon had a little round head as smooth ns an apple, with a nice powdered wig on it, and he sot there making bobs and bows and Dick begun to think it was suthin' sort o' pussonal. Lem and me was sittin' jest where we could look out and see the hull pictcr, and Lem was fit to split. "Good, now," says ho, "that critter'll pay tho deacon off lively, pretty soon.", "Tho deacon bobbed his bead a spell, and old Dick he shook his horns and stomped at him sort o threatuin'. Finally the deacon he gave a great bow and brought his head right down at him, and old Dick he sot out full tilt and come down on him ker chunk,and knocked him head over heels into the broad aisle, and his wig flew one way and he t'other, and Dick made a plunge at it as it flew, and carried it off on his horns. " Wal, you may believe, that broke up the meetin' for one whilo, for Parson Mor rel laughed out, and all the gals and boys they stomped and roared, and the old dea con ho got up and begun rubbing his shins 'cause be didn't see the joke on't. " You don't orter laugh," says he, " it's no laughing matter it's a solemn thing," says ho, I might have been sent into 'tarnity by that darned critter," says be. Then they all roared and haw-hawed tho more to see the deacon dancln' round with his little shiny head, so smooth a fly would trip up on't. " I believe my soul, you'd laugh to see me in my grave," says he ! " Wal, the truth on't 'twas jest one of tbem bustiu' up times that natur has, when there ain't nothin' for it but to give in, 'twas jest like the ice breakin' up in the CbarloB river it all comes at once and no whoa to it, Sunday or no Sunday, sin or no sin, the most on 'em laughed till they cried, and couldn't help it. " But tho deacon ho went homo feelin' pretty sore about it. Lem Sudoc be picked up bis wig and handed it to him. Says be, " old Dick was playing tithing-man, wan't be, deacon ? Teach you to make allowance for other folks that get sloepy." " Then Mrs. Titkins she went over to Aunt Jerushy Scran's and Aunt Polly Ho kum's, and they bed a pot o' tea over it, and 'greed it was awful of Parson Morrel to set sich an example, and suthin' had got to be done about it. Miss Hokum said she allers knew that Parson Morrel hadn't no splritooality, and now it had broke out iuto open sin, and led all the rest of 'em into it, and Mrs. Titkins she said such a man wan't fit to preach, and Miss Hokum said she couldn't never bear him again, and the next Sunday the deacon and his wife tbey hitched up and driv eight miles over to Parson Luthrop's and took Aunt Polly on the bock seat. " Wall, the thing growed aud growed, till it seemed as if thore warn't nothin else talked about, 'cause Aunt Polly and Miss Titkins and Jerushy Scran they didn't do nothin' but talk about it, and that sot everybody else a talkin' "Finally it was 'greed tliey must bov' a council to settle the hash. So all the wim men went to chopping mince, and making up pumpkin pies, and cramberry tarts, and billn' doughnuts, gettin' ready for the mlu lstors and delegates 'cause councils always acts powerful aud they had quite a stir, like a giueral trainin,' The bosses, they was hitched all up and down the stalls, a Btompiu' aud switchiu' their tails, and all the women was a talkin' and bod up everybody round for wltuessoss, and finally Parson Morrol he says: 'Breth ren,' says he, 'jest let me tell you the story jest as it happened, and if you don't every one of you laugh us hard as I did, why, then I'll give up.' " The parson be was a master hand at settin off a story, and afore he'd done,' he got 'em all in sich a roar they didn't know where to leave off. Finally, they give sen tence that there hadn't no temptation took him but mcb as is common to man ; but they advised him afterward allers to pray with his eyes shet, and the parson be con fessed be orter' a done it, and meant to do better in future, and so they settled it. 'So, boys," said Sam, who always drew a moral, " ye see it l'arns you you must tnke care what ye look at, ef ye want to keep from laughin' in meetin.' '"' ' A Smuggler's Narrative. ' " ' "1T7"E shall be, my dear madam," T T said I to a fellow passenger on the Dieppe boat, taking out my watch, but keeping my eye steadily on her, " we shall be in less than ten minutes at the custom house." A spasm a flicker from the guilt within gleamed from her countenance. "You look very good-natured, sir," stam mered she. I bowed, and looked consid erably moro so to invite bor confidence. ' If I were to tell you a secret, which is too much for me to keep myself, oh I would you keop it inviolable ?' " I know it, my dear madam I know it already," said I, smiling ; "it is lace, is it not?" Sho uttered a little shriek, and yes she had put it there among tho crinoline. , She thought it had been sticking ' out, you see, unknown to hor. "Oh, sir!" cried she, it's only ton pounds' worth ; please to for give me and I'll never do it again. As it is, I think I shall expire." "My dear mad am," replied I, sternly, but kindly, "here is tho pier, and the oflicer has fixed hia eye upon us, I must do my duty." I ruBhed up the ladder like a lamplighter; I pointed out the woman to a logitimato authority ; I accompanied her upon her way, in custody, to tho searching house. I did not see her searched, but 1 saw what was found upon her, and 1 saw ber fined and dismissed with ignominy. Then, hav ing generously given up my emoluments as informer to the subordinate ofiloials, I hur ried off in search of , the betrayed woman to her hotel. I gave her lace twice tho value of that sho had lost, paid her fine and explained. . " You, madam, had ten pounds' worth of smuggled goods about your person. I had nearly fifty times that amount. I turned informer, madam, let roe convince you for tho sake of both of us. You have too expressive a countenance, believe me, and the oflicer would have found you out at all events, as I did myself. Are you sat isfied, my dear madam ? If you still foci aggrieved by me "in any way, pray take more lace, here's lots of it." When I fin ished my explanation the lady seemed per fectly satisfied with my little piece of di plomacy, though she would doubtless bare preferred a less prominent part in it. " The IrJlerkT Rover's master was a merchant, and Ro ver was bis errand-boy, or I suppose I should say bis errand-dog. If any thing was to bo sent tome, papers, letters, meat, or what not, Rover was the one to carry it. Ho would even carry an egg iu his mouth and lay It down on tho kitchen-floor with out breaking it. Perhaps you think this was no great feat, but then Rover doubt loss thought it was, for be liked eggs dearly aud to be obliged to cany one in his mouth without breaking it required some self denial of his dog tastes. Rover did a great many othor useful things about the store, and onco when his master was out he undertook to wait on customers. He went around behind tho counter and put his fore-paws upon it, and looked at tho ladies, as if he expected them to tell him what they wanted. Then tbey stood, astonished, looking at him, and be stood coolly waiting to take their orders when the merchant came In. I think that must have been a funny sight. tW Michael Leahy, who recently gradu ated at the PittBfleld (Muss.) High School at the age of 21 years, obtained his educa tion under difficulties. When a child, while playing on the railroad tiack, he was run over by a train, and it was neces sary to amputate both arms so close to the shoulder that no perceptible stumps are left. Nevertheless, he has persevered in his studies, has not boen absent or tardy once in his four years' course at the High School, and has become a proficient in tbo branches there taught, turning the loaves of his book with his tongue. Ho has also acquired a very legible and oven handsome style of penmanship, which be executes with bis mouth.
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