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THE RHPOBTEB is published every Thurs
day Morning, by E O. GOODRICH, at $2 per
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ADVERTISEMENTS, exceeding fifteen
lines are inserted at TEN CENTS per line for
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subsequent insertions. Special notices in
serted before Marriage* and Deaths, will
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communications of limited or individual
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,dif~ Advertising in all cases exclusive of
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JOB PRINTING of every kind, in Plain
and Fancy colors, done with neatness and
dispatch. Handbills, Blanks, Cards, Pam
phlets, <Sc., of every variety and style, prin
ted at the shortest notice. The REPOBTEB
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INVARIABLY CASH.
<Saviio.
rpHOMAS .T. INGHAM, ATTOB.-
X SKY AT I.AW, i.APORTE. Sullivan
County, Pa.
I 1 EORGE i). MONTANYE, AT
VT TORNEY A T LA F—Office in Union
Block, formerly occupied by JAMACFAKLANK.
\\T T. DA VIES, Attorney at Law,
Y • Towanda,Pa. Office with Win. Wat
sins, Esq. Particular attention paid to Or
phans' Coui! business and settlement oi dece
dents estates.
MERCUR & MORROW, Attorney*
at Lair, Towanda, Penn'a,
The undersigned having associated themselves
together in the practice of Law, offer their pro
fessional services to the puUlie.
( LYSSES MERCCR, P. D. MORROW,
March 9, 1860.
I3ATRICK & PECK, ATTORNEYS AT
X LAW. Offices :—ln Union Block, Towanda,
Pa.. lormerly occupied by Hon. Wm. Eiwell.aud
in Patrick's block, Athens, Pa. They may be
consulted at either place.
1!. W. PATRICK, apll3 W. A. PACK.
ÜB. McKEAN, ATTORNEY &
• COUNSELLOR A T LAW, Towan
da, Pa. Particular attention paid to business
in the Orphans' Court. July 20, 1866.
HENRY PEET, Attorney at I.aw,
Towania.Pa. jun27, 66.
W H. CARNOCHAN, ATTOR
-11 • NEY AT LA ll', Troy, Pa. Special
attention given to collecting claims against the
Government for Bounty, Back Pay and Pensions.
Office with E. B. Parsons. Esq. June 12,1865.
DR. H. WESTON, DENTIST
Office in Patton's Block, over Gore's Deng
and Chemical St ors. Ijan66
LMiWARD OVERTON Jr., Altor-
JLJney ul Lau\ Towanda, Pa. Office in Mon
s nyes Bl'i' k, over Frost's Store July 13,1865.
JOHN V CALIFF, ATTORNEY
tJ AT L.I If. Towanda, Pa. Also, Govern
ment Agent for the collection ot Pensions. Back
Pay and Bounty.
*i- No charge unless successful. Office over 1
the Post Office and News Room. Dec. 1,1864.
0 1). STILES, M. D., Physician and
• Snrgeon, would announce to the people ol |
Rom- Borough and vicinity, that he has perma- 1
nentiy locate ' at the place" tormerly occupied hy i
Dr. G. W. Stone, for the practice ol his p otes- j
sion. Particular attention given to the treat- i
ment of women and children, as also to the prac
tice of operative and minor surgery. Oct. 2,'66.
DR. PRATT has removed, to State j
street, (first above B. S. Rnsse!! St Co's j
BaDk). Persons irom a distance desirous I con
sulting him.wiil be most likely to find him on 1
Saturday of each week. Especial attention will ;
be given to surgical cases, and the extraction of !
teeth. Gas or Ether administered when desired.
July Is, 1866. D. S. PRATT, M. P.
DOCTOR OHAS. F. PAINS.— Of!
fice in GORE'S Drug Store, Towanda, Pa.
Calls promptly attended to at all hours.
Towanda, Noveral>er 2s,
DDWD MEEKS—AUCTIONEER.
JU All letters addressed to him at Sugar Run,
Bradford Co. Pa., will receive prompt attention.
f FRANCIS E. POST, Painter, Tow
anticPa, with 10 years experience, is con
fident he can give the best satislaction in Paint
ing, Graining, Staining, Glazing, Papering, &c.
asr Particular attention paid to Jobbing in the
country. April 9, 1966.
J .1 NEWE LL ,
COUNTY SURVEYOR,
Orwell, Bradford Co., Pa,, will promptly attend
to all business in his line. Particular attention
given to running and establishing old or dispu
-1 ed lines. Also to surveying of all unpattented
lands as soon as warrants are obtained, myl"
117 HERSEY WATKINS, Notary
it • Publir is prepared to take Depo-i
-ons. Acknowledge 'he Execution of Deeds,
Mortgages, Power ot attorney, and all other
instruments. Affidavits and othei pipers may
be sworn to before me.
Office opposite the Banking House of 8.3. !
Kussell & Ci., a few doors north of the Ward i
House. Towanda. Pa., Jan. 14, 1867. I
J) D. KNAPP,
Watch MaKt-i and Dealer in Gents aud Ladies j
Watches Chains and Finger Kings, Clocks, Jew I
dry, Gold r'ens, Spectacles, Silver ware, Plat
r-i ware, Hollow ware, Thimbles, Sewing Ma
chines, aud other goods belonging to a Jewel
ry Store.
Perticular attention paid to Kepairing, at
hi? old place near the Post Office, Waverly, X.
V. Dec. 3.1866.—tf.
WARD HOUSE, TOW VNDA, PA.
On Main Street, near the (.'our* House.
C. T. sM ITH, Proprietor.
Oct. 8. 1866
M ERICAS HOTEL,
T O W A XD A , P A
Having purchased this well known Hotel on i
Bridge Street, I hare refurnished and refitted i
it with every convenience for the aceomtnoda- I
•ion of ail who may patronize me. No pains will j
be spared to make all pleasant and agreeable. j
May 3,'66.—tt. J. S. PATTERSON, Prop. I
DER HOUSE, a four story brick
U7 edifice ueai the depot,witb large airy rooms, j
elegant rarlors newly furnished, has a recess in 1
new addition lor Ladies use, and is the most
convenient and only first class hotel at Waverly. '
X. Y. It is the principal office tor stages south j
and express. Also for sale of We-tern Tickets,
snd in Cauada. on Grand Trunk Rail-way. Fare
to Detroit from Buffalo. $4, is cheaper than any 1
other route. Apply for tickets .s above to
C. WARFORD.
<r stabling and care of Horses at reasonable
rates.
Waverly N. Y . 0ct.26.1866.-3m. C. W.
HOTEL,
SMITHBORO. X. Y
Haviug rented and Refitted this well known
Hotel. I am ready to accommodate ail who may
tavor me with a cali. 1 have a large Hall at
'-ached, suitable for lectures, dances. Ac. Pass
engers carried to any point by applying at the
Hotel. Xo pains will be spared to make Qyery
thing agreeable and comfortable lor the t ravel
ing public. J. B. VANWINKLE.
Jan. 10 1867. Proprietor.
E W ARRAXG EME N T T
AT TH£
NEWS ROOM AND BOOK STORE.
The undersigned having purchased the BOOK
STORE AND NEWS ROOM of J. J. Griffiths,
respectfully invite the old patrons of the estab
lishment and the public generally, to call and ex
amine oar stock.
ALVORD i BARBER.
' w, aivonri. F r, babaxs
K. <). (JOODBICH, Publisher.
VOLUME XXVII.
©riginal ftoetrij.
II \PPINKSS.
Happiness, thou misused theme,
■ Ol ignorance and love alike the dream ;
! How plaiu thy law, and quaint thy dress,
i How few enjoy thy loveliness ?
I Love is happiness in all its range,
i Happiness is not, where love is strange.
1 am happy to love my race,
. Happy to love mv' God and grace,
Happy to love the beautiful
, Happy to love the dntifnl,
; Happy, if in love, Truth maintain.
Happy, if in love, Right sustain,
Happy, if in love, kindness bring,
Happy all, if love tunes the string :
And as from love I go estray,
, I'iom Happiness I take my way.
Am always happy in my love.
The more I love, the happier I prove,
| ft this one rule I keep in view,
1 Only to love the Right and True.
E. G., Highland, I'a.
§ttoUAWotts.
THE FRONTIER WEDDING.
ONE day in early winter my Ims
1 band received a summons to Burke's
! settlement, to unite a coup'e in the
j bonds of wedlock. It was especially
requested that his wife should accom
pany him, as we should be expected
to remain all night and partake of
the festivities.
It was twenty miles to the settle
i ment, and we reached the log house
i of Mr. Burke, the lather of the ex
j pecaut bride, about noon. A dozen
tow-haired children were at the door,
waiting our arrival. They telegraph
i ed the news instantly.
" Maim ! Marm ! here's the elder
I and his woman ! They're nothing but
folks ! She's got a man's hat on, and
a turkey wing in frout of it; his nose
is just like dad's—crooked as a cow
horn squash."
Alas for Mr. Morrison's aquiline
nose, of which he was a little vain !
" Sam!" cried a shrill, female voice
from the interior of the cabin, " run
out and grab the rooster, and I'll
clap him into the pot 1 Sal, you quit
that churn and sweep the floor. Kick
that corn-dodger under the bed. Bill,
you wipe the tallow out of that cheer
for the minister's wife and be spry
about it."
Furtncr remaiks were cut short by
our entrance.
Mrs. Burke, in calico sbort gown,
blue petticoat and bare feet, came
forward,wiping her lace on her apron.
" llow do you do, elder ? Ilow d'ye
do maim Must excuse my head—
haiu't had chance to comb it since
last week Work must be did, you
know Powerful sharp air, hain't it?
Shoo there ! Bill drive that turkey
out ol the bread-trough. Sal, take
the lady's things. Set right up to
the fire marm. Hands cold ? Well,
just run 'em in Bill's hair—we keep
it loug a purpose."
Bill presented his shaggy head,
but I declined with an involuntary
shudder.
" Laws, if she ain't actually a shiv
ering !" cried Mrs. Burke. " Bring
in some more wood. Here, marm,
take this hot corn-dodger inter yer
lap —it's as good as a soap-stone."
A fearful squall announced the ex
ecution of the rooster and shortly aft
erwards he was bouncing about in a
fonr quart kettle, hung over the fire.
Sal, returned to her churn ; but the
extraordinary visitor must have have
made her careless, for she upset the
concern, and buttermiik went swim
ming over the floor.
"Grab the ladle, Bill, cried Mrs.
Burke, " and help dip it up. Take
keer —-don't put that suarl of hair in.
Strauge how folks will be so nasty.
Dick, do keep your feet out of the
buttermilk ; it won't be fit for the
pigs when the butter's gathered.—
Drive that hen out ; quick : she's
picked up a pound already There,
Sal, do try and chum a little more
keerful. If you are a gwine to be
spliced ter-morrow, you needn't run
crazy about it."
" I advise you to dry up 1" remark
ed the bride elect, thumping away at
the churn.
By the time I bad warmed, diuuer
was ready, and you may be sure I
did not injure myself by over eating.
Nigbt came on early, and after a
social chat about the events of the
morrow, I signified my desire to re
tire.
Sal lighted a pitch-kuot, aud begau
climbing a ladder in one corner of
the room : I hesitated.
"Come on," said she; "don't be
afraid Sam aud Bill, and Dick, all
the rest of ye, duck your heads while
the elder's wife goes up. Look out
for the loose boards, marm ; and
mind or you'll smash your brains out
against the beam. Take keer of
tte hole where the chimney comes
through.
Her warning came too late I
caught my foot iu Ihe end of a board,
stumbled, and fell headlong through
what appeared to be interminable
space, but it was only to the room 1
had just left, where 1 was saved from
destruction by Bill who caught me in
his arms, and set me on my feet re
marking coolly—
" What made you come that way ?
We generally use the ladder."
I was duly commisserated, and at
last got to bed. The less said about
that night the better. Bill and Dick
and four others slept in the same
room with us, and made the air vo
cal with their snoring. I fell asleep
and dreamed I was just beiug shot
from the muzzle of a columbiad, aud
was awakened by Mr. Morrison, who
informed me that it was morning.
The marriage was to take place be
i fore breakfast, and Sail}* was already
i clad in her bridal robes when I de
! sceuded the ladder.
She wa-: magnificent, in a green
calico, over a crinoline full four inch-
I'd larger than the rest of her appar
el, a white apron with red airings,
blue stockings, a yellow neck ribbon,
and white cotton gloves. Her red
dish hair was fastened in pug behind,
and well adorned with the tail-feath
ers ol the defunct rooster before men
tioned.
When it was announced that Lein.
Lord, the groom, was coming, Sally
dived behind a coverlet, which hung
across one corner ol the rooru to con
ceal sundry pots and kettles, and re
fused to come forth. Mr. Lord lifted
one corner of the curtain and peeped
in, but quickly retreated with a fw
sharp words from Sally advisiug him
to mmd his own business.
1 Lemuel was dr* sscd in tilu< with
i bright buttons. The entire suit had
] been made for his grandfather on a
similar occasion. His hair was well
greased with tallow, and his huge
feet encased in skin pump .
Very soon the company began to
gather, and the room was well filled.
"Now,elder," cried the bridegroom,
" drive ahead ! T want it done up
nice ; I am able to pay lor the job ;
do you hear ? Come, father Burke,
trot out your gal 1"
But Sally refused to be trotted.—
She would be married where she was
or uot at all. We argued and coax
ed, but she was firm ; and it was fi
-1 ually concluded to let her have her
' own way.
Mr. Morrison stood up ; the happy
! couple joined hands through a rent,
in the coverlet, and the ceremouy
proceeded. .lust as Mr. Morrison was
asking Lemuel, " Will you have this
woman ?" etc., down came the cover
let, enveloping both minister and
bridegroom and filling the house with
dust. Dick had been up in the loft
and cut the strings which held it.—
Mr. Morrison crawled out looking de
cidedly sheepish, and Sally was ob
liged to be married openly. To the
momentous question Lemuel respond
ed, "To be sure ; what else did I
come here for ?" and Sally replied,
" Yaas, if you must know."
"Salute your bride," said Mr. Mor
rison, when all was over.
" I'm ready to do anything, elder,"
said Lemuel, " but skin me if I know
about that, sir. Just show me how,
aud I'll do it if it kills me."
My husband drew back nervously,
but Sally advanced, thiew her arms
around his neck, and gave him a kiss
that made the very windows clatter.
" I vutu, if I don't do ditto !" cried
Lemuel, and hastily taking a huge
bite from a piece of maple sugar
which he drew from his pocket, he
made a dash at me—smashed my col
lar, broke my watcbguard into a doz
en pieces, tore my hair down, aud
succeeded in planting a kiss on my
nose, greatly to the delight of the
company.
Then he turned to my husband.
" Now, elder, what is the damage ?
Don't be afraid to Bpeak.
" Whatever you plese," said Mr.
Morrison.
Lemuel produced a piece of fur.
" There, elder," said he, " there's a
muskrat's skin, and out in the shed
is two heads of cabbage, and you're
welcome to the whole of it."
My husband bowed his thanks, the
young people went dancing, Mrs.
Burke went to getting breakfast ; at
my earnest request Mr. Morrison got
our horse, and we bade them them
adieu. 1 never could have lived
through another meal in that house.
I have since heard that Mr. Lord
said if he had seen the elder's wife
before she was married, Sallie might
have gone to the dickens.
"Alas, it might have been !"
HARD TIMES. —The cry of "hard
times" is heard on all sides Every
newspaper contains it—every busi
ness man echoes it. It is the uni
versal complaint all over the country.
We fear that before the year of 1867
is past we will see "hard times" in
all the poverty and wretchednes
which lack of employment, stagna
tion of business and general pros
tration of industry, cause. Thirty
years ago this year our country ex
perienced a terrible financial crash,
and it is said there has Leeu one
every thirty years since the formation
of the Government. Financial crash
es have occurred every ten years,
though not so disastrous in their gen
eral results as those which occur
every thirty years. Already the cry
of starvatiou comes up from the des
olated South. Those of our citizens
who can afford it should contribute
liberally, for they know not how
soon they may be in the same plight
—not through a scarcity of food, but
from a lack of means to purchase it.
Remember the scriptural assurance,
"He tuat giveth to the poor lendeth
to the Lord."
VVLOAR PEOPLE. Those are not
vulgar people," says Dante, " merely
because they live in small cottages,
low places, but those are not vulgar
who by their thoughts and deeds
strive to shut out any view of beau
ty. There are vulgar rich men as
well as vulgar poor men. Being
poor, is not of itself a disqualification
for being a gentleman. To be a gen
tleman, is to be elevated above oth
ers in sentiment rather than situa
tion ; and the poor man with an en
larged and pure mind may be happi
er, too, than his rich neighbor with
out tbis elevation, bet the former
only look at nature with an enlight
ened mind, " a mind that can see and
adore the Creator in his works, can
consider them as demonstrations of
his power, his wisdom, his goodness,
and his truth ; this man is greater
as well as happier in his poverty,
than the oilier in his riches. The one
is but a little higher than the beast,
the other is but little lower than the
angels "
IN the voyage of life we should
imitate the ancient mariners, who, without
losing sight ot the earth trusted vo the
heavenly sign* tor their guidance,
REGARDLESS OF DENUNCIATION FROM ANY QUARTER.
TOWANDA, BRADFORD COUNTY, PA., APRIL 18,1867.
APRIL.
I hear through all the solemn pine*
The South wind's pleasant flow.
And see the clouds, like happy thing*,
O'er tields of azure go,
While all the sorrow from the earth
Seems melting with the snow.
The robin and the bluebird sing
O'er meadows brown and bare ;
They cannot know what wondrous hloom
Is softly budding there ;
But all the joy their hearts outpour
Seems pulsing in the air.
And io will sing, though all our days
Seem dark with pain and loss
We know that Sorrow's furnace heat
Consumes alone our dross;
We know that our dear Father's love
Gives both our crown and cross.
Oh, while beneath the snow-drift buds
The flower we love the beet,
And on the wind-tossed bough the bird
Still builds its happy nest,
Praise God for all the good wo know,
And trust him for the rest!
AN INTERVIEW WITH SURRATT.
The interest attaching to the pris
! oner, John H. Surratt, now in con
finement in the Washington jail,
i charged with complicity in the as
| sassination of President Lincoln, in
duced your correspondent to seek
and obtain an interview aud conver
sation with him.
i Coiiirary to the current reports of
the close confinement ami careful ob
scurity in which the important pris
oner is held, I found him >ecupying
temporarily the watchman's lodge in
the jail yard. The yard in which
; this rather loose prison is situated is
i enclosed by a brick wall eighteen or
I twenty feet in height, having two
| gateways leading into other yards,
surrounded by walls about ten or
twelve feet high. I did not examine
; these gateways to see if they could
jbe easily opened ; but they ap
! peared to be fastened simply by a
j bar on the inside. If this was their
j only fastening, and they could be
| opened as easily as appearances in
dicated, the security for prisoners
was not very great, as the outer
yards were filled with rubbish that
i could quickly aid one desirous of scal
ing the walls.
The prisoner sat in a chair by en
open window, reading a small vol
ume, the character of which I did
I not inquire. On my entrance he
rose, and advancing toward me with
exteuded hand, acknowledged an in
troduction with a very friendly smile 1
and a courteous shake of the hand.
Not expecting to meet so notorious a j
character in such a place, 1 was i
somewhat takeu by surprise when j
the name was pronounced, and, after
shaking bauds, ventured to iuquire j
once again the name. "Surratt," re-1
plied my new acquaintance, with a j
smile. "I think I have heard of you 1
before," I remarked ; to which he |
quietly responded, "Very likely."
In stature I should judge him to be
five feet nine or ten inches high,
rather slender in form —almost deli
cate, perhaps—aud apparently twen
ty-eight years old. His hair is a
very light auburn, nicely cut and
trimmed, parted behind and combed
! forward. He wears a moustache and
goatee rather more positive in their
| color than the hair on his head. The
1 rest of his face was carefully shaven,
j Altogether his appearance was that
of a well-dressed and very present
able young man, and certainly the
last one that would be selected from
a crowd as a desperate character or
a villain. He has a very pleasant
voice, in conversation uses good lan
guage, understands himself perfectly,
usually wears a smile upon his face,
which, however, suggests unpleasant
thoughts when we consider his de
| sertion of the woman that gave him
birth a* ihe time of her sorest need.
My conversation with this man
was not so full and free as 1 could
have wished. He evidently was in
no mood to talk on the topics that
were most prominent in my own
mind, and the witness to the inter
view precluded urn from making any
efforts to get his confidence. After
a few commonplace remarks, I ven
tured to ask him a leading question
in regard to his escape to and con
cealment in Canada. Putting on one
of his most effusive smiles, he re
plied, " I have nothing to say about
that." His manner of reply, more
than his words, conveyed to my mind
that he considered it "a good thing,"
something to boast of, a great secret,
that would tend to make him famous
hereafter—a mystery for the world
on and with which to associate his
name. "But," he added, "there was
no secrecy about my leaving Canada.
I went on board a steamer at mid-day,
wholly without disguise, and with
hundreds ol people on and about the
wharf. The steamer had fully two
hundred passengers, with whom I as
sociated freely during the voyage.
Nobody recognized iue, though there
were those among the passengers!
that I recognized." He would not say ;
what steamer this was, nor from i
what port it sailed, more thau that
it was one of a regular liue leaviug
a large city.
He spoke of meeting St. Marie in
France. He claims that he recog
nized St. Marie first and that they
travelled to Italy together. He mani
fests no vindictivenese toward this
witness for having discovered him to
the authorities, but considers him a
"treacherous" fellow, and thinks he
was mistaken in his character. Sur
ratt says that he had information of
St. Marie's "treachery" before it was
fully accomplished, and was kept ad
vised from time to time of the steps
taken to secure his arrest. Had the
actual arrest been delayed one day
longer, as Surratt had reason to ex
■ pect it would be, he would have been
beyond the reach of his pursuers, his
arrangements for desertion and flight
being nearly perfected at the time
of his arrest. He is careful to ab
stain from saying what these ar
rangements were, who were his ac
complices aud informers, or where he
was to find a place of refuge. All
this he considers a part of the sacred
mystery that is to enshrine his name
in immortal fame. He tells it as an
instance ot cuieness, deserving of
great credit—one of the incidents in
his career that is notable.
Many poor prisoners, whose crimes
| are scarcely worth mention in com
-1 parison with the great crime associa
ted with Surratt's name, would re
-1 joice could their lifetime be spent as
'■ comfortably as are the prison-hours
| of this universally accused assassin.
An entire corridor, fully thirty feet
in length and eight in breadth, with
three large cells, are placed entirely
at his disposal. In this corridor he
1 is excluded from the common prison
ers'and the curious visitors by a
I tight door, closing within the usual
door or iron grating, whenever it is
I uot agreeable to him to seek the
j open air of the prison court-yard. At
j night < uly does he have occasion to
! feel the rigors of confinement, when
Ihe is located in the ceutral of the
three cells, a commodious apartment,
lat least ten feet square. True, the
furniture is scant, consisting merely
of a stool and a mattress laid upon
the stone floor, though amply provid
ed with coverings.
To while away the sometimes te
dious hours of the day he is provided
with a plentiful assortment of books,
embracing the field of literature from
the Divine truth to the smallest hu
man trash. Comforts, and even lux
uries lor tbi- toilet, art also abund
ant. His cuisine seems to be care
fully looked alter by outside frieeds,
and no restrictions placed upon the
amount or variety that is sent him.
Instead of the brown loaf and boiled
beef of ordinary prisoners, Surratt
has the choicest domestic cookery,
selected with the sole view of pleas
ing his palate.
Moreover, the comforts ot a home
are provided for him in the frequent
and protracted visits of his sister,
who calls at least each alternate day,
and spends the time with him, cheer
ing him by her presence and minis
tering to his comforts. True, on
these occasions the veteran keeper
before alluded to shares the apart
ment with the brother and sister, but
the surveillance In- exercises is mere
ly a matter of form, and lor any res
traint it exerts upon the intercourse
of the brother and sister might as
well be dispensed with.— Washington
currett/tondence Philadelphia Ijedgn■
MAN S VANITY
Women, when their sex is accused
of vanity, will acknowledge "the solt
impeachment." But men will round
ly deny it, This doeß not, however,
diminishiu women the conviction that
the vanity exists,notwithstanding all
disclaimers. Take the vanity of dress.
That women should be careful to
dress as well as others, i 3 often given
as an instance of their vanity. Are
there no men to whom the length or
width of a coat, the placing of but
tons,the set of a shirt front,the width
and shape of a collar, the fashion of
a necktie, are objects of unceasing
anxiety. The time which women
spend iu arraying themselves has of
ten been made matter of reproach.—
But it is withiug out knowledge that
men will spend more than au hour in
dressing for a dinner. If a woman
spend much time in getting up, we
have at least a work of art as the re
sult of the pains taking ; but a man
after all is but a creature in no wise
distinguishable from all the others of
the sex at any social gathering.—
Closely connected with tue vanity of
personal appearance. No women
consult their glass with more anxiety
than many men. Wrinkles and gray
hairs are greviotis to them ; and the
restorative arts of the beautifiers are
not devoted exclusively to the service
of the fair sex. Do not men grieve
when they begin to lose their good
figure ? Do they not subject them
selves to tortures in the matter of
boots ' Are ali those, beards and
moustaches cultivated and kept in or
der without thought : and is there no
exultation wheu these appendages
are abundant and of the desired color
and texture? What pains must be
taken that the line which divides
men's "back hair" may be straight !
Double glasses and pairs of luusbes,
contortions of body and much agony
of mind, must be brought into requis
ition before the desired effect is ac
complished.
Then there in the vanity ol influ
ence over the other sex. As "iords
of the cisatiou," they leel'they ought
to have influence ; and we never met
a man, however mean and insignifi
cant, who was 110' firmly impressed
with the notion that, if he so willed
it, all the women of his acquaintance
would be "at his feet." There is also
the vanity <d opinion—perhaps we
ought to say of the iufabdity of opin
ion. Occasionally women dogmatize ;
but they are in most cases ready to
admit that there are subjects about
which they do not know everything.
But when men utter an opinion they
seem to consider it final,and that any
one who disagrees with them is eith
a knave or a fool. They may not say
so, but it is evident they think it
A CELEBRATED French preacher, iu a
sermon upon the duty oi wives, said : "I
see in this congregation a woman who has
been guilty of disobedience to her husband
and in order to point her out. I will fling
my breviary at her head." He lifted his
book, and every female head instantly
ducked.
Ix a nobleman's park, abont ten
miles from Hyde Park Corner, in England,
the following notice is stuck up: "Ten
Bhillingß reward. Any person found tres
passing on these lands, or damaging these
fences, on conviction will receive the above
reward."
THE UNITED STATES SUB-TREASU
RY NINETY TONS OF 00IN
IN SAFE.
The vaults 01 the United States
Sub-Treasury are said to exceed in
size those of the Bank of England.—
The strong and burglar-proof manner
in which they are constructed excites
the admiration of all beholders. There
are two of these immense vaults, one
at each corner of the Pine street end
of the rotunda. The rooms are per
haps twenty feet long by fifteen feet
wide, aud ten or twelve feet high.—
They contain no windows ; there is
but one door opening into each, and
gas-lights are kept burning inside.
The internal appearance of these
vaults has a striking resemblance to
a fashionable tomb iu Greenwood
Cemetery, rows of cases being ar
ranged around the sides of the room,
each about two feet square, with iron
doors attached. There is one door
for each case, and when the apart
ment has been filled with bags of
gold or bundles of greenbacks, the
doors are closed. Each case will con
tain half a million of dollars, put up
in bags of five thousand dollars each.
When a case is thus filled, the door
is closed, and 1 -eal is affixed in the
presence of 'be Naval Officer and
the Surveyor ol the Port. It takes
one hundred bags to hold half a mill
ion of dollars. In the first vault en
tered there were seventy-two com
partments arranged round the room,
which formed a tier somewhat higher
than a man's head.
Running over the top of these was
a balcony with an iron railing in
front; there was piled up in this bal
cony, in one heap, six millions ol dol
lars, in five and ten dollar bills ; one
hall million of dollars in internal rev
enue stamps, fifty thousand dollars
in fractional currency,put up in large
paper boxes, and five and one-halt
millions in United States bonds.
The floor of the vault rests on thir
ty feet of solid masoury, from the
ground up. On the top ol this gran- i
ite there are two feet ot wrought
iron, and between the iron plates a
space filled up with bullets. If a
rogue should succeed in boring
through the granite and iron, the mo
ment bis drill touched a bullet that
would commence to revolve, and by
the time he had penetrated it another
ball would drop iu its place ; in this
way he would soon find that he had
an endless job before him aud the
attempt to get into the vault would
have to be abandoned.
The sides and top ol the room ate
composed of eight leet of granite and
two ol iron arranged in the same
manner as for the floor. This safe,as
it is called, was invented by Mr. Isai
ah Rogers. Mr. Rogers once remark
ed that if the people at the Treasury
building should happeu to get locked
out of the safe it would take him a
mouth to break into it. A night
watch is kept to look alter these
strong boxes, but they are eonsidered
perfectly safe without him.
There are four doors to be opened,
one after the other, before we can
enter the safe. Each one ol these
doors weighs two tons and contains
locks of different patterns. A lever
is so arranged that alter the doors
arc closed four large iron bolts are
thrown across the doorway, resting
in sockets which have been made in
a pillar of wrought iron. If a thief
should succeed in cutting the hinges
of one of these doors, usually consid
ered to be the most vulnerable point,
the door would not drop down from
its place, aud uothiug would be gain
ed Like the deacon's celebrated
one-horse shay, these doors are made
as strong in one point as in another,
and the hinges show no signs of
weakuess It will take a fearful
earthquake to shake them down.
No good idea can be given to the
reader of their operation, but a lew
general remarks may be of interest.
The first dour has one of Dobb's Eu
reka locks ; there is no key hole for
this, and the outside combination
wheel is divided into the letters of
the alphabet, tbe uine units, and frac
tions of figures. The combinations
which may be made by this arrange
ment are endless, and no one can
open the lock,shoving back the bolts,
unless he knows the words, figures
aud fractions which have been used
in locking the door.
Even if a person was so fortunate
as to get from Mr. Birdsall the com
bination, he must have an extensive
acquaintance with the lock to know
how to manipulate it correctly. The
gecoud door contains an Ishain lock,
which is altogether different from
Dobb's lock. The third door has L.
Gale's Monitor lock, and the fourth
door contains Gale's double Treasu
ry locks. From one of these doors,
after it has been lasteued, a portion
of the lock is taken off, and put un
der lock and key in some secret
place. Without this it would be use
less to attempt to get into the safe.
The second vault is much larger
than the first one described, but just I
as difficult to get into. There are
one hundred and twenty cases in
this room where gold can be put and
sealed up. At the tinie we looked
into the vault there were ninety tons,,
or forty-live millions ol dollars in
gold stowed in the room, and twenty
millions in paper. The greenbacks,
as they are paid into the Treasury,
are put up in packages of one thou
sand bills each, all of the same de
nomination. A package ot one dol
lar bills contains one thousaud dol
lars ; of five dollar bills, live thou
saud dollars ; of five hundred dollar
bills, five hundred thousand dollars.
In one small box we were shown
six small packages, each of which
contained one million <l dollars.—
Money is handled in the Treasury
building in a wholesale manner,pack
ing trunks standing abont full of it,
large willow baskets on wheels be
ing used to carry it in, &c. The
sight of it becomes so common that
pei* Annum, in Advance.
; the clerks employed regard it with
the utmost indifference, handling it
i as they would so much brown paper.
1 The vestibule or the second vault
is called the book vault, and contains
the cancelled obligations of the Unit
ed States, a ton or two of paymast
er's checks. All these books and
checks are carefully preserved.—2V.
V. Gazette.
A MENEGARLE OF DRUNKARDS.
The most foolish predicament a
man can get into is to get drank. In
drunkenness a man shows his strong
est and most ardent passion. There
are six kinds of drunkenness, and if
you will go into a city drinking
place where there are a dozen men
under the influence of liquor, you will
be sure to find these six different an
imals :
The first is ape drunk,he leaps asid
sings, and yells and dances, making
all sorts of " monkey-shines " to ex
cite the laughter of his fellows. Oh,
terribly silly is the drunken clown.
The second is tiger drank,he breaks
the bottles, breaks the chairs, breaks
the heads of his fellow carousers, and
is full of blood and thunder. His
eyes are fired with vengeance, and
his soul raves with murderous fury.
Of this sort are those who abuse their
families.
The third is hog drunk, he rolls in
the dirt <> the floor, slobbers and
grunts, and going into the street,
makes his bed in the first ditch or
filthy corner he may lall into. He is
heavy, lumpish aud sleepy, and cries
in a grunting way for a little mure to
drink.
The fourth is puppy drunk. He
will weep for kindness, and whine
his love, and hug you in his arms,and
kiss you with his slobbery lips, and
proclaim how much he loves you.—
You are the best man he ever saw,
and he will lay down his money or
his life for yott.
The fifth is owl drunk. He is wise
in his own conceit. No man must
differ from him, for his word is law.
He is true in politics, and in all mat
ters must be taken as authority. His
arm is the strongest, his voice is the
sweetest, his horse the fleetest, his
turuips the largest, his town the fin
est of all in the room or land.
The sixth and last animal of our
menagerie is the fox drunk man. He
is crafty, ready to trade horses and
cheat il he can. keen to strike a
bargain, leering around with low
cunning, peeping through cracks,
listening under the eaves, watching
for some suspicious thing, sly as a
fox, sneaking as a wolf, he is the
meanest drunkard of them all.
CHINESE J CGOI.KRS. —Ibu B.tuta, an
Arabian traveler, who spent the thir
ty years between 1825 and 1855 in
wanderings in the East, relates that
one night he tell in with a Chinese
Juggler. He says :
"He took a wooden ball with sev
eral holes in it, through which long
thongs were passed, and laying hold
of one of these slung it into the air.
It went so high that we lost sight of
it altogether. There now remained
only a little of the end of a thong in
the conjurer's hand, and he desired
one of the boys who assisted him, to
lay hold of it and mount. He did so,
climbing by the thong and we lost
sight of him also. The conjurer then
called to him three times, but getting
no answer, he snatched up a knife as
if in a great rage, laid hold ot the
thong and disappeared also. By and
by he threw down one of the boy's
hands, then a foot, then the other
band and the other foot, then the
trunk, and last of all the head. Then
he came down himself, and ail puf
fing and panting,and with his clothes
all blood ; but presently he took the
lad's limbs, laid them together in
their plaeeo, and gave a kick when,
presto ! there was the boy, who got
up and stood before us. All this,"
adds, the veracious traveler, " aston
ished nie beyond measure, and I had
an attack of palpitation like that
which overcame me once before in
the presence of the Sultan of India,
when he showed me something of the
same kind."
CURE KOR HYDROPHOBIA.— In order
that our readers may be prepared for
the dog days of 1887, we publish the
following cure for hydrophobia. Cut
it out and put in your receipt buok
for future reference :
" Take the root of elecampane one
ounce and a-half, cut fine, then boil
it into one pint of new milk down to
a half pint ; take this three morn
ings, fastiug, and eat no food until
four o'clock in the afternoon. It
should be taken every other morning;
the last two doses must weigh two
ounces each. This remedy will have
the desired effect if taken at any time
within twenty-four hours after the
accident."
YANKEE OOIRTSHIP. —One evening,
as 1 was sitting by Hatty, and bad
worked my sell np to the point of
popping the question, sez 1 : " Hat
ty, if a fellow was to ask you to mar
ry him, what would you say ?" Then
she laughed, and sez she : " That
would depend on who asked me."—
Then sez I, " suppose it was Xed
Willis ?" Sez she : "I'd tell Ned
Willis, but not you."' That kinder
staggered me, but 1 was too cute to
lose the opportunity, and so sez I
ageu : "Suppose it was me V" And
then you ought to see her pout her
lips, and sez she "1 don't take no
supposes !" Well, now, you see there
was nothing for me to do but touch
, the trigger and let the gun go off.—
So bang it went. Sez I : "Lor, Hat
j ty, it's me. Won't you say yes ?"
aud then there was a liellabaloo in
' my head, 1 don't know 'zactly what
tuk place, but 1 thought 1 heard a
" Yes" whispering somewhere out of
the skirmage.
BILL SIMPSON'S LEGAL EXPE
BIEHOE
Many years ago the Legislature ot
Tennessee passed an act to organiz*
the county of McNairy. At that time
the county embraced in the ii eii - <>!
Snake, was occupied by a sturdy set
of backwoodsmen, totally unacqirain
ted with courts, jails, etc. The com.
try assembled at the appointed sit.
for the purpose of cutting logs, mal
ing boards, etc. The only theme ot
daily conversation, when the men
were assembled, was the court. None
of them had seen a court in session,
as yet developed. Each oue would
give what his idea of a court was
None, however,were entirely sati-i
factory until Bill Simpson was call
on to give his ideas Ho said !. ■
knew ail about a court —that he had
a lawsuit in North Carolina. On - >i
his neighbors' hogs kept coming who ■
he fed his hogs until it got fat. Ou.
morning he got so all-fired mad thai
he shot the hog. lie thought it would
not do to throw it away, so he clean
ed and salted it. Shortly after, his
neighbor and a man came to his
house, examined the smoke-house,and
took him to town and put him in a
little office. About three mouths
after that, this man caine and took
him to a large room. A large man
sat upon a high bench—a man was
sitting at a desk—about a dozen fin.
dressed men set in a place around.—
The man put me in a pen just be
hind them.
He then called in twelve men ;
they took seats in a box in front of
the fine dressed men. The man that
was writing gave the twelve men a
book and said something about Bill
Simpson and the State. Then one of
the fine men read something about
Bill Simpson and the hog, and he aud
another of the fine dressed men had
the biggest quarrel you ever heard
I thought they would fight eveiy miu
ute, but they didn't. It was Bill
Simpson and the hog, and the hog
and Bill Simpson, and sometimes Mr
Simpson, but devilish seldom. After
they had quit quarnelling, the big
man talked awhile to the twelve men.
and they went out and staid a short
time and came back and said sorm
thing to the man at the desk. Tie
man on the bench said something to
the man that put me in the office,and
he took me out aud tied me to a per
simmon tree aud commenced fighting
me with a cowhide, and it made me
so all-fired mad that I shook all li>-
persimmons oft the tree.
NUMBER 46.
A YEAR'S WORK OF DRAM SELLING.—
Carefully compiled statistics show
that sixty thousand lives are annual
ly destroyed by intemperance in the
United States.
One hundred thousand men and
women are yearly sent to prison in
consequence of strong drink.
Twenty thousand children are VUdi -
ly sent to the poor house for tin
same reason.
Three hnudred murders are auod.
er of the v early fruits of in ternp< :
auce.
Four hundred suicides follow tl.
fearful catalogues of miseries.
Two hundred thousand orphans an
bequeathed each year to private ami
public charity.
Two hundred million dollars are
yearly expended to produce lies
shocking am uut oi trine* and mist
ery, and as much more is lost from
the same cause.
EASII.V SATISFIED. —We think ill
following article reflects the feelings
of ladies of a certain age in almost
every city, town or village :
A young woman had been couvei t
ed at the camp meeting. The good
minister told her that if she had faith
the Lord would give her whatevci
she would ask in prayer. Believing*
implicitly in his words, site one even
ing retired to a grove and fervently
prayed the Lord to give her a man.
It so happened that an owl sat tip ii
one of the trees near by, and being
disturbed,gave out a " whoo—o—o !"'
She was overjoyed, and with tin
greatest thankfulness of spirit, an
swered back, "Anybody, Lord, so it's
a nran !"
CONSOLATION FOR THE DOOR. —Lord
Byron said: "The mechanics ami
workiugmen who can maintain theii
families are, in my opinion, the hap
piest body ol men. Poverty is wretch
edness, but eveu poverty is, perhaps,
to be preferred tu the heartless, tin
meaning dissipation of higher life
Another author says: "1 hive no
propensity to envy any one, least oi
all the great; but if 1 were disposed
to this weakuess, the subject ol m\
envy would be a health}* young man
in full possession of his strength and
faculties, going forth in the morning
to work for his wife and children, u
bringing them home his wages e
night,"
ADVERTISING.—A farmer near Man
treal says no one need tell him that edvt t
tising won't cause a big rush : for he adve.
Used ten bushels of grapes for sale, and ii ■
next morning there was not one 1* ft- tin
boys stole theiu all.
"JOHN," said a careful father,
"don't give Cousin William's horses to.,
many oats—you know they have bty.
"Yes, sir." said John, moving tov rtl th
barn. "And hulk ye. John : don't givi
them too much h ty, you know they ha
oats."
"SF.\ENTY-KIEHR," New York lln r.i
office, advertises for a "tall clerk who I
handsome and a rapid pt uanm : salan
$250. Address in'own handwriting." The
gentleman evidently believes that " a thin:
of beauty is a joy forever."
A SICK man was telling his symp
toms—which appeared to himself of . oui
dreadful—to a medical friend, who at cacd
i new item of disorder exclaimed, " Charm
ing! Delightful' l'rny go on' and when
he had finished, the doctor said with the
utmost pleasure, "Do you know, uiy dear
! sir, }ou have got a complaint which 1)..s
I been for some time supposed to he extinct*
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged
; a barrister, who gratified him by an accept
ance. The duelist being very lame, requeat
led he might have a prop. " Suppose,
j said he, " I lean against this mile-stoin
; '* With pleasure," replied the lawyer, •* on
! condition that 1 may lean against the nest
, This joke settled the quarrel.
J DEATH comes to a good uiau tu re*
I live him ; it comes to a bad one to relieve
! Bociety.
DON'T take too much interest in th.*
' affairs of youi neighbors. Seven per ret.i
| will do.
THE moat common things are the
! most useful; which shows both the wis
< dom and goodness of the C.reat Father ot
the family of the world.
JONES called UU the man who " I_-
stores oil paintings, and requested him to
try to restore one stolen from his residence
a yew ego.