szgffia rTrmsitm&Ti TWrnr r :: r THIRD PART. j THE PITT DISPATCH SBURG PAGES17 TO 20. m i ffiTTSBimGr, SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 1890. c RATTLE BRUM IDEAS. Bovel Products of Misguided Genius to be Found on File in Uncle Barn's Patent Office. A TOT COW WHICH GIVES HILK. Hobbler for Chickens That Bakes Them Take a Bee-Line Out of the Garden When Thej Begin to Scratch. HACHIKE TO SEMODEL TJGLT NOSES. Torpedoes That Blow Up Brave Diejers, and a Flrhtiif Cat Hade of Cist Iron. rCOBHSSPOJTOKlfCE OP THX DISPATCHI Washington, August 2. I hare (pent the past week in looking op the freaks of the Patent Office. Side by tide with the greatest inven tions of the age are classed 'the craziest offsprings of the human train. To-day some mighty Edison patents an idea which lights the world and to-morrow some lunatic offers a plan by which all humanity can lift themselves to heaven by their boot-straps. In looking through the Patent Office yon are sur prised at the wisdom and the foolishness of man's intellect. The one is as great as the other, and from the foolish point of view it would seem that when an idea of a patent creeps into an inventor's house, common sense flies out of his window. Take the department of canes and umbrellas. There are thousands of canes of all shapes and sizes, and one of these is a cane and spittoon combined. It is patented by Myron L. Baxter, of Illinois, and it states that the tobacco chewer has only to suck the head of the cane when he can slip his saliva into it to the extent of half a pint, and that hiB lady love or the preacher need know nothing of it. "This cane," said he, "is of great advantage during the continuance of religious services, lectures and other enter tainments." Its top is made in the shape of a dog's head, and the opening for the ex pectoration is made in the mouth ol the dog. THESE ABE CAKES AND CAKES. Another cane has an eye-glass attached to its head, and a third is soarranged that a drinking man may carry his allowance of whisky inside of it" and take his nip on the sly. There are cane umbrellas, sword canes and pistol canes and canes wbich are so jointed that they can be formed into the legs of a stool of such a nature that tbe pedestrian can sit down and take a rest dur ing his wait. Some of tbe greatest fortunes are made out of -oatent tovs.'and there are a dozen tov inventors who have made fortunes during the last 20 years. Among these are Cran dall, who got up the "pigs in clover" puzzle; Plimpton,. the man who invented the roller skates, the inventor of the returning ball An Automatic Doll. and others. There are perhaps 2,000 toys in one division of the Patent Office, and one of the latest and craziest curiosities is a doll baby wbich sucks the bottle. This doll is patented by Budolph Steiner, of Germany, and it consists of a doll baby sitting on a pan with a bottle filled with genuine milk on a little table in front of it A rubber tube connects with the glass pipe which runs into tbe bottle and going into the month of the child runs down behind and through tbe doll into the pan. By means of a syphon which comes ont through the dolls head, machinery is set to wort by which tbe doll begins to suck and the milk flows up into its month and out into tbe pan. No sensible mother would ever think of buying such a toy, yet this man Steiner thought so much of it that he patented it both in Germany and America, and he evi dently expects to get a fortune out of it. A DAIBY IK THE NIXBSEBY. Another toy of much the same order is the toy cow which can be milked. This cow is made of wood or metal, and it has a tank inside of it There are four udders connected with this, and these have little valves in them, so that by squeezing them a certain amonnt of milk flows out each time. Of course, the tank must first be filled with milk, and this is done through a pipe that runs up from the tank to the tail of the cow. The inventor states that tbe action of milking is exactly tbe same as that of the real cow, and he has, in addi tion, an iron wire which connects with the jaws of the cow and runs back to this tank, so that Dolly chews her cud while the youngsters milk her. fciThe illuminated cat was granted a patent in 1864, and it is a cat oi pasteboard or tin for the purpose of frightening rats or mice. This cat is to be made in a sitting posture, and it is painted over with phos phorus, so that it shines in the dark like a cat of fire. Its inventor states that it ought to be perfumed with oil of pepperment whicn is obnoxious to rats and mice, and that while it does serve to scare the rodents away in the dark.it may be made so as to form & very useful parlor ornament in tbe daytime. Another cat, equally funny, is the patent sheet iron cat, which is worted bv clock work and which has a bellows inside of it which swells up its tail to the size of tbe maddest of felines. Ii properly set it will emI "e e1nal to e wildest of living midnight Thomases, and it ha. in addition ' Steel claws and teeth. You wind it up and place it on your roof, and set it to bowline. All the cats in the neighborhood jump for it and its poison claws kills every one It strikes. TEEVEKTIKO GBAVE EOBBIKO. There are numerous patents containing the principle of the illuminated cat. Luminous harness has been patented so that -( a.' horse being driven at night looks like a Aheet of chain lightning, and you think w;3 im Elijah's chariot has come to earth again. There are luminous match boxes and luminons ghosts to scare away grave robbers. The patents to protect" the dead are especially funny. After every noted grave robbery metallic coffins come in by the scores, and I looked at one coffin sur rounded by bars of wrought iron binding the casket and extending out from it at such a distance that when set in the 'earth it would be impossible to move it except bv a derrick. A .New York man has invented a coffin torpedo consisting of a canister of powder balls and a trigger, and he warrants it to kill any person who attempts to open the grave in wbich it is placed. He does not reflect that in this day of changing graveyards some of the generations of the fnture may want to remove their forefathers, and may. to their great surprise, be given an immediate introduction to them through his torpedo. A Massachusetts Yankee has patented a dynamite bomb which he places in the tomb. This wonld shoot tbe grave robber up to heaven, and it is equally probable that it might send both coffin and the corpse down to the other place. There are hun dreds of patents for different kinds of em balming juice, and the embalming juice inventors fought over General Grant's body at ML McGregor in order to demonstrate " i f('' ''fr'yj'J '-f- Voiding a Soree't Breait. the virtue of their fluids. One of these, some years ago, sent a model consisting of a coffin with an embalmed baby in it to the Patent Office, and was very indignant be cause the Commissioner wonld not put this dead baby on exhibition. TRAPS FOB TAPEWOBMS. One of the most ridiculous medical patents was referred to in a recent speech in Con gress. It is a tapeworm trap, and its in ventor is a man named Myres, who claims he has had great success in catching tape worms with it It consists of a little gold capsule about half an inch long and as big round as a lead pencil. At the end of this capsule there is a little ring, and to this a silk thread is to be tied. By pulling the capsule apart you set a spring a good deal like that of the old-fashioned steel-toothed rattrap, and this spring has teeth just like the rattrap. You bait it with a little bit of cheese, starve yourself for two or three days and then swallow the trap, maintain ing all the while a careful hold of tbe thread attached to it Your tapeworm, whiclr by this time is very hnngry, makes a greedy dash for the cheese, and presto, the jaws of the capsule spring together on his head, and and you draw him out hand over hand, and set your trap for the next worm. Another trap for worms is the little silver hook which one swallows, and which catches the warms as we catch fish. The inventions for smokers are so manv that a division of the Patent Office has to be given up to them. There are dozens'of de vices by which a man can carry his cigars around in his hat, and the pipes" are legion. One of the most curious of pipe inventions is a rest, or brace, by which the weight of tne pipe is taten on tne teetb and rested on the chin. This is said to be a very good pipe for sore teeth, but it is doubtful whether it would be of much use to the ordinary smoker. A PBEACHEB ELEVATED. In agricultural patents "the human braia-J nas gone wild, xbe old cannon plough has been olten referred to by which the farmer takes his horses oat of the furrow and shoots at the Indians. The lover's gate, however. Is new and this consists of a gate which will swing both ways, and which can be lowered and raised to suit the size of the lovers. On tbe same principle is the adjustable pulpit which wiil fit all kinds of preachers. The pulpit runs up and down on a pillar by a spring, and by pressing a button the preacher can raise it to his height or lower it to suit It is said that this invention was in use in one of the "Western congrega tions, and that a short preacher had been in vited to discourse, but had not been told of the peculiar arrangement upon which the Bible was placed in front of him. He was a very active little man and he had a way of pououiutj uig puipib auu leaumg over ana shaking his finger at tbe congregation. During one of his wildest moments, while in this position, he kicked the button with his knee, and tbe pulpit, which had been set at three feet straightway sprang up to six carrying the preacher kicking along with it There is a patent machine here for forcing hens to lay eggs, and there is one branch of the patent office known as tbat of cowtail holders. The festive cow is apt to flirt her tail while she is beine milked, and as the tail is not always of the cleanest this is offensive to the pretty milkmaid. Manv of these cowtail holders strap the tail to the hind leg of the cow, others fasten it to a beam over ber head, and still others weignt the tail in such a way that if the weights were attached to a strong-tailed cow she might blow out the brains of the milker. ADJUSTABLE HOBSE TAILS. There are patents for horse's tails as well as cow's tails, and the science of making a horse's tail extend out from the body at just the proper angle, is one which has bothered the intellects of many patentees. The most curions among them, however, is the patent of a Yankee who has invented an "Adjust able False Tail for Horses." He claims in his specifications tbat this tail will puzzle Supported by tht Chin. and mystify the keenest critics of horse flesh and that with it the bob-tailed horse or the rub-tailed horse becomes qnite as valu able as he whose tail reaches to his feet Other patents are those for training horses, and in many of these the hind legs of the horse are strapped up to belts around his body, and some are so complicated that they wonld frighten a high-strung animal to death. A Western man has patented a shield to prevent a horse from being cut by wire fences, and this consists of a sort of armour of padded cotton or leather which is strapped around the neck, breast and front legs of the horse. Another way of prevent ing horses from hurting themselves on these fences is found in the electrical division. The wires are charged with electricitv. and when the horse goes against them he gets a- shock which drives mm pact, in the same division there is an electric plan for pre venting horses from curbing. The manger is charged with electricity, and the moment the horse attempts to curb he gets a shock. Then there is a chicken hobbler, consisting of a spring attached to a hen's leg which, if the hen attempts to scratch, will move it onward, and will, in fact Talk it right out of the garden. There is the bedbug buster, by whieh the insects are gotten into a hop per and killed by chloroform, and there is also tbe tumbler flytrap through which the flies drop into a bath of alkali. MAKING NEW NOSES. The patents to make women beautiful are numerous. There are face powders by the hundreds and bust improvers by the score' She nose improver is one of the most icuri- ous of these crazy patents. It has made, it is said, a fortune for its inventor, and it consists of a metal shell formed of two parts wbich are connected by a hinge. The shape of its inside is that ot a perfect nose, aqui line, Boman or Grecian, as you prefer, and it does all its work at night The patent states that the nose should he first well bathed in warm water and then greased with olive oil until it is thoroughly soft ened. After this the improver is to be at tached and the person using it is to go to bed and sleep until morning. At first it is said, the operation is somewhat painful, but this wears off in a few nights, and the soft cartilage of the nose soon begins to assume the form of the beautiful shape of the im prover. At the end of eight weeks you have a brand new nose which remains with you until you get tired of it, when you buy a dif ferent style of improver and come out in a new nose quite different from your last one, hut still beautiful. A Boston woman has gotten, out a pateut cheek beautifier, which takes away all the bollowness and gauntness from an old maid's chops and transtorms them into the deli cious plumpness of sweet 16. It consists of a spring plate with two prongs attached to it This plate is iastene'd into tbe teeth at night, and theprongs reaching out from both sides prop ont the cheeks so that they lose their hollow look, and grow round and yonng again. This same woman has a patent way of making the fingers tapering and elegant by means of compression, and she calls her patent "The Finger Com press." GETTING ETEK WITH BOABDEBS. Bestaurant keepers have long been tronbled as to how to get even with their boarders. Josephine Doriat, of New York, has gotten ont a patent for them. It con sists of a table and stools both of which run on an endless chain. The diner comes in, takes a seat on a stool, pays his 2J5 cents for his meal and it is set before him. The table then begins to move and the man moves along with it It continues to move him along till he gets to the other end of the room and at this time he is supposed to have finished his meal for his dishes slide off aronnd a wheel and his stool slides out with him. There is an endless chain of these stools and the procession of diners and dinners goes on continuously. The inventor states that her improvement materially re duces the number of waiters necessary for a restaurant It avoids delay in serving meals and prevents any undue lingering at the table on tbe part of the guests. There is a patent faro box in the model room and there are patent dice boxes and card games. One of the dice boxes throws up the dice by means of a spring and the throwing is done under a glass case, so that it is impossible to cheat with them. Curions bootjacks form another large class oi patents, and one of these consists of an iron affair made in the shape of a pistol, which you can carry in your hip pocket and frighten a robber with upon occasion. There is also a patent pocketbook with a pistol in side it When the robber asks you for your money or your life you hand out your pocketbook and shoot him through the heart Other patents are still more ridicu lous. The serious side is, however, the great side of the Patent Office, and this I may discuss hereafter. Fbank G. Cabpenteb. EUH TWO CEHIUKTEfl OLD. It Was Hnoled From tbe Bottom .of the Sen nml Sampled by a Major. Philadelphia Inqnlrer. "Did you ever hear the story of the old rum cask?" said Captain John Eeece yes terday, as he handed round a fresh box of Havanas to some aged seamen. "Away back in the fifties, about tbe time that Bu chanan was running for President a fishing schooner, named the Airdlie, was out on the banks. She was owned in Gloucester and belonged to old Tim Jordan, who com manded her. They had been very unlucky. Somehow the fish wouldn't come their way, fcnd fitraUyoiaTim'Tsaid: 'Say, Boys, 'we'll let down onr foresheet and try to the east erd of the banks.' Well, they gets Into deeper water and lets down the trawl. When they come to haul it in it was power ful heavy and expectation was high, When it was hauled aboard it contained only a few fish, but hanging in the bight of it was a big hogshead of mm. "How did they know it was rum?" queried a broker's clerk. "Hush, why sailors can smell rum a mile off," was the answer, and the clerk looked sheepish. "The cask was hoisted aboard and ex amined, and on it was the date 1676, show ing that it was nearly 200 years old. An attempt was made to tap it, but the oak had got so hard that it broke every auger on the schooner. It was taken into Salem, and after much difficulty it was tapped. AH the city dignitaries had assembled on this auspicious occasion, and the duty of having the first taste of this ancient liquor devolved upon the Mayor. Slowly a clear, amber colored fluid trickled out into the glass, and when about two-thirds full the Mayor raised it reverently to his lips, his courtiers stand ing around eyeing him in an awestrnck manner. "Throwing his hesd back, and with a graceful upward turn of the elbow the Chief Magistrate allowed the liquid to trickle down bis throat Suddenly he was ob served to stop, clap his hands on his stomach, ejaculate 'Oh, my eyes and limbs!' and per orm a war dance. Tbe fact was all the liquor had, of course, leaked out, and what had soaked in was something worse than bilge water." THE BABEST SEA SHELL. It la tbe Cone ot tbe Holy Mary and Only Two Specimens Are Known. New York Sun. "What is the rarest shell of all?" "That," said the conchologist "is a ques tion that I'answer about a hundred times a a month, by mentioning the superb speci men that is called 'The Cone of the Holy Marv.' Why it i so called I do not know, but it is the rarest, because there are but two Known specimens in existence. One of them is in London, in the British Museam, I believe, and the' story is told that the shell is valued at several thousand pounds sterling a sort of Koh-i-noor among shells of wondrous beauty and rarity." "What is the larcest shell known?" "The giant oyster. You can see giant oyster shells on exhibition in front ot sev eral well-known oyster saloons uptown. They are imported from India. I remember that I imported a pair that measured 3 feet by 4. They weighed nearly 500 pounds." "And the smallest shell?" "Is 'the rice shell. Lying in bulk in 'a basket or barrel the shells would be readily mistaken for rice grains." . A TBUHPET FBOM THE SEA. It Is a Shell Nearly Two Feet Lode end Beautifully Marked. "What is the 'trumpeter?' " asked a re porter of the Hew York Sun, of a promi nent shell merchant The latter went to a case in the rear of the store and lifted ont a conch-shaped shell nearly two feet in length and marked like a tortoise shell. A hole bad been drilled in the surface at the large end of tbe shell. The merchant placed his lips to the hole and blew. A rich, sonorous trumpet blast re-echoed and reached through the store and brought passers-by to a stand still in the street They stared in open eyed wonder at the man in the doorway blowing UDon a handsome shell. "It isn't necessary to explain further why it is called the trumpeter, is it?" exclaimed the merchant with a smile. "This shell comes from Singapore, and belongs to the Triton family. Sailors often use it as a fog horn, and it makes a good one, too. Perfect specimens of the shell are worth from 10 to $ 15. This is a IS speci men. Its markings, or, rather, what con chologists call its drawings, make it worth that" B0ST0H TEMPERANCE. Howard Fielding Has an Encounter With the Hew Law There. FEIEHD OF HIS FAMILT 8H0CKED. Pickles, Crackers, Tables and Chairs as Saloon Accessories. COCKTAILS AB P0WEEFUL AB ETEE tmimra ros the sujim.tcb.1 s In passing through Boston a few days ago I met a middle-aged temperance crank, who claims to be a friend of our family. He called me his dear boy and fractured a few bones in my hand. A great grip has he; and I was glad that my hand wasn't a dollar because in that case he never wonld have let go. "You haven't been in Boston lately," said he, "and doubtless you notice and are de lighted with the change. I refer to the new law regulating the liquor traffic." I thanked him for supposing that I mnsjt have learned all about it in the 15 minutes since I arrived. In fact, I hadread about it in the papers, as most people h-.ve done, bnt had not thought much about it "A great law, that," said he; "a great step forward in the cause of temperance. But, of course, it is only a step; we shall go further. We are too lenient with the saloon keeper. I believe in temperance, sir, and I would have it even if we had to call out the militia and shoot the neck off every bottle in the city. We haven't punishments enough. We don't stick closely enough to the one great cause of temperance in all things. I'd have every liquor dealer haneed, sir; hanged on Boston common where our forefathers first showed how to resist tyranny. Down with the saloon power." "It is hard to make the mass of the people coincide with these moderate and reasonable views," said L mobe seasonable views. "Yes, unfortunately it is," he admitted, "and the more's the pity. Why, sir, any man who fails to deposit his ballot in favor of temperance legislation ought to be whipped to the ballot box with raw hides, and his children disfranchised to the third and fourth generation. "But you ought to see Tim Noonan's place since the new law went into effect," he con tinued, brightening up. It's changed won derfully. You used to see crowds of men hanging over his bar, but they can't do it now. We have a grating up in front of every bar, and the men -wkswant.to drink must sit down at little tables. Let's walk by Tim's place. I like to have him see me for it must mace him rave. I've been an humble instrument in the hands of the Lord in this reform. Yes, blast me if I haven't and nobody else has been anywhere along side of me." We walked down toward Tim's place, and I couldn't help feeling sorrv for him, in spite of my naturally strong principles against over-indulgence. Graves, the crank, led the way into the place, much to my sur prise, and took a seat at one of the tables. Then he turned round and glared at Tim, who stood behind the grating which guarded the bar, TIM STILL LOOKED PEOSPEBOUS. Tim, contrary to my expectations, was looking very well. He had gained ten pounds or to of flesh, and wore rather better clothes than in the old days. His saloon was mnch more handsomely fitted up. He remembered me and nodded cordially. Immediately, a long, thin female who looked ridiculously like the typical Eos ton "blue-stocking," brought a plate of crackers and a dish of encumber pickles, and placed them on the table between Graves and me. Graves bit a encumber in two, and I thought tbat the milder acid of the pickle softened his expression into some thing like a smile. "I suppose we ought to buy something," said L "It is hardly right to use his chairs for nothing." "I would not add to the profits of his ne farious business," said he. "Then have a glass of water," I replied, "and I will take a whisky cocktail for me dicinal purposes. I have had a bad night on the boat." Whether by mistake or the promptings of Tim Noonan. the waiter broutrht two cock. tails, and set one be fore Graves, whose wrath was something tearful to witness, and was mollified only when I drank the two cock tails in order to get them out of his sight There were not many people in the place. Four men sat at a table near us, and were ordering drinks in turn. As they had for gotten where the ronnds began they wonld probably go on indefinitely, trying to make the thing come out even at least, that was the explanation which Tim whispered in my ear. PLENTY OP GUESTS. In a corner sat a man with his head on the table. Several yonng clerks had dropped in for a hasty glass of something cooling for the day was very hot and having met lriends were chatting comfortably at the tables, while their employers doubtless wondered where they were. I was just ris ing to leave the saloon, when who should appear but my old friend Tom Banks. I hadn't seen him for years. We greeted each other affectionately, and then I intro duced Graves. "Won't you and Mr. Graves have some thing?" asked Tern, summoning a waiter. Graves scowled, and I excused him to Tom, but, of course, after that I bad to order something myself. I took a mild puneh, for I am not a man who indulges in strong drink. Under the new Boston rule it takes longer A Bolton Blue-Stocking Brought Ficklet. Jou'rt qui' Right, Mziur Gravel. has to rnn around the grating and. tell the J barkeeper, and go through a lot of rigmarole before the drink is ready. However, I did not begrudge the time, for otherwise' I should not have met a very pleasant fellow named Prank Smith, who dropped in just as we were ready to leave. I nsed to know Frank well, and I was really very glad to meet him. "How are you, old boy?" said L "Draw up a chair and let's have a good look at you?" GBAVES WAS NEVEB SLIGHTED. "Meanwhile I'll order something for the party," said Frank. "Mr. Graves? Pleased Braves' Fellow Laborer! Horrtjled. to meet you, Mr. Graves; what'll you have?" Graves wouldn't have anything, but the rest of us had a little claret with mint "You're qui' right 'bout it, Mizzur Graves," said I. "A Bos'on s'loon's a different place now." "It's a heap more cozy and comfortable," said Tom. "Hello, here's Billy Webster; you used to know him, Howdv, didn'tyou?" "Know Billy? Well, sh'ay I did. Come 'long, Billy, an moisten yonr epiglosh epigloshis epiglottis. Had! it right in my throat all time, but somehow couldn't get it out" Billy always has money sticking out of all his pockets, and he ordered a bottle of champagne. Graves took another cucum ber pickle. " 'Shu shay, Tom," said I, " 's a heap more comfo'ble drinking this way than kicking toes off un'er a bar. Gen'lemen, 'low me to introduce Mizzur Graves. Mizzur Graves 's the man who instituted this reform. All drink to Mizzur Graves." By the time that Biliy's bottle was empty several more friends had dropped in. I couldn't really say how many. Some times I thought that there were five and then again there appeared to be ten, so I ventured to put the inquiry: "How many are you of there, anyhow?" whereat every body laughed. ' LATJGHTEB WAS ABUNDANT. A good many people seemed to be laugh ing all about me, and I was on tbe point of getting o fiend ed when Billy said: "Sit down, Howdy; it is the effect of the new law." The next thing I remember Mr. Graves was bundling me into a herdic, and we were riding down Tremont street. I was just preparing to go to sleep when an express wagon knocked the hind wheels off our con veyance and I went ont through the back window, which I understand was only seven-by-nine in dimensions. Graves picked me up and braced me against a lamp-post, where for a few moments I stood, and took great pleasure in pointing him out to the Eassers-by as the philanthropic' citizen who ad supplied all the saloons with chairs. Then all is a confusion of ciQoked sight and twisted legs, and tbe horror of Graves as he passed hia fellow laborers in the cause of temperance, all of whom appeared to have'turned out especially for that occasion. It was too much tar his generosity and he finally-abaodoned me to the fate which he had been so largely instrumental in bring ing upon me. Fortunately I made out a familiar hotel nearby and in it I succeeded in sleeping off the effects or the only indis cretion of the kind that I was ever guilty of. I have just finished a brief note to Mr. Graves which contains, I hope and trust, a strong presentation of my views on temper ance legislation. Howabd Fielding. PUSHING HJFEEIOB WINES. Enterprising Denlcra Nowaday! Pay Walters for the Corks Tamed la. New York Times. Two gentlemen, one a connoisseur in fine wines, went into a high-priced restaurant a few nights ago and called for a bottle of champagne of a brand which, in their opin ion, was the best champagne in the market. The wine was brought and served in well chilled glasses. Each gentleman lifted his glass expectantly to his lips and promptly placed it on the table after taking a sip. "This is not the wine I ordered," said the connoisseur, turning to the waiter, who had been hovering about "This is a bogns champagne." With an apologetio shrug of the shoulders the waiter quickly picked up the cooler and, remarking that he would see about it, walked away. Soon he retnrned with a fresh bottle, and, after taking pains to dis play to the two gentlemen the labels on tbe bottle, he drew the cork and filled the glasses again. "It is a common trick among waiters," said one, "a trick that is rapidly spreading in popular and well-patronized restanrants. You noticed perhaps that the first bottle brought contained no label. This second bottle, as you will observe, contains the proper label and no donbt is the genuine brand we ordered. It is a much more ex pensive wine than the other and, being well established, no premium is paid the waiter by the American agent for forcing it upon the patrons of the bouse. The other wine, wbich was of a decidedly inferior brand, is probably being 'pushed' by some enterpris ing dealer who gives the waiter 25 or 0 cents for each cork turned in. Had we asked the waiter at tbe outset to recommend a brand of wine he undoubtedly would have recommended the stuff be brought, and then we would have been permitted to see tbe label." FISE AND THE ANARCHISTS Tbe Late Prohibition Leader Used to Dls- enlse and Attend Their Meetings. New York Press. I was with General Fisk abont three years ago for a couple of hours when the papers were lull of the Haymarket Anarchist tragedy at Chicago, and there was bitter de nunciation of the murderous bomb throwers. General Fisk -said to me: "I have endeav ored conscientiously to study the causes that make men Anarchists in this country, but have never been ablo to comprehend it You will be surprised when 1 tell you that I have gone in old clothes and slouch hat to Anarchist meetings in New York City to their most secret meetings. I have been amazed and astounded as well at the intem perance of their language until I have gone away feeling that society was rocking on a slnmbering volcano, liable at any moment to burst lorth and destroy it "Why, I have heard these men openly advocate arming themselves and rushing out to capture the United States sub Treasury in Wall street, tbe persons of Gould, the Yanderbilts, Bussell Sage, Cyrus W. Field and other wealthy men, and by these means make themselves masters of the community. While I was in their heated assembly chambers my head would actually swirl, thinking of the desperate propositions they made. But once outside in tbe cool air, with a glimpse of the policeman stand ing on the corner nonchalantly swinging his club, the whole thing went out ot my mind like a vision or a dream. The sight of the policeman alone dispelled every possible feeling of any danger." AT A FIRE IN PARIS. The Laddies of the Gay French Cap ital Uever Get in a Hurry. NO BIG BLAZES TO DEAL WITH. An American Conflagration Would Para lyza the Whole Force. EED TAPE IN 0BTAIHING PASSES rwnrrrair yoBTnE wspatch. One of the most ludicrous things a person can witness over here is the efforts ot a Parisian fire brigade to put out a fire. A few days ago wo had a blaze in front of my domicile, and I had an excellent opportu nity of watching the whole modus operandi. First I must remark the promptitude with which the "pompiers" put in an appear ance fully a half an hour after the fire broke out I shudder to think what would be the late of an American city if intrusted to the Paris fire brigade. Like everything else in Europe, they partake of the general slowness, and think it undignified, I sup pose, to be in a hurry. The fire broke out in the upper story of an "apartment" house, and when I noticed it a bncket of water would have put it out When the pompiers arrived the whole apartment was gntted. I suppose every body knows that in France an apartment means a suite of rooms. They have no fire alarms in any of the houses or hotels here; there is a curious affair at certain distances in the streets which, to the uninitiated, is difficult of comprehension. At length the firemen arrived and hanled a feeble squirt np six flight of stairs. .There was a yard nnderneath from which an American hose could have put out the whole business in five minutes. One thing, how ever can be said in favor of the Paris fire brigade. In America the whole house would be drenched with water, whereas in France they take scrupnlous care not to waste any of the precious liquid. NOT TSED TO BIG PIKES. I never saw such consternation in the neighborhood even at such a small fire. Evidently they never saw a big conflagra tion such as the United States treats its citi zens to. I have been in Paris a year and a half and I have never seen a fire worth going across the street to see. I am snre, if yon will pardon the seeming wickedness, one of your big blazes will be a treat to me when I return to tbe land of the Stars and Stripes. , The spectators seemed to have more to do in ordering the firemen around than their captain. During a lull in the firemen's struggles one old lady halloed out to the firemen not to relax their efforts as the fire was still burning. There was a stonevard not very close by where there was nothing to bnrn ud but headstones and an old wagon, and it was most ludicrous to watch several frightened individuals move that wagon in nervous haste, an inch or so every few sec onds. The whole affair was so comic the prehistorio firemen, the wailing old ladies and the individuals among the monuments that my companion, who was an American, and I could'not refrain from hearty laughter, wbich scandalized tbe whole neighborhood. During lulls in the fire the firemen amused themselves by squirting water at one another. They evidently were not used to hard work, as they were all blowing like porpoises, and must have had a big sense of their own im portance judging by the way they carried themselves. In the eyes of the hero-loving French people they were nodoubt big heroes. When the conflagration was nearly over a policeman stuck his head out of the window of one of tbe gutted rooms, took a compre hensive glance around ana then withdrew. Unlike those of America, a Paris police man is snre to be aronnd when anything is going on. BUSHING TO THE PIEE. The Paris pompiers came to the fire pret ty leisurely as compared with the American firemen. They moved almost as slowly as the Dordrecht fire brigade, so happily de scribed in Baughton and Abbey's sketching rambles through Holland. They were seated in a long, red vehicle very much like an American hay wagon. They blew a feeble bngle with a peculiar squeak dnring their progress. The fire-escape ladder was banled to the fire by band Dower. The fire brigade is a corps of tbe army and is en listed under the same conditions as the troops. Its uniform, which is not as fine as the American uniiorm, consists of blue pan taloons very wide at the hips and narrow at the shoe; a tight fitting skirtless dark tunic, brass helmet and brass chain epaulets. They carry a leather belt at the waist from which depends a bayonet. Verily this is the land of red tape. I wanted to see the grand review of 30,000 ol the French troops at Longchamps on July 24 the national holidar. I betook mvself to the "Bureau de Becruitement" (Becruit ing Bureau) at the Place Yendome and asked the sentry is charge. He gave me a military salute. Showing him my creden tials and stating my wants, he told me that the official whose duty it was to attend to such matters was engaged otherwise, and that I would have to go to the Presidental palace. PLENTY OT BED TAPE. In front of the palace there were about half a dozen foot sentries with guns and fixed bayonets, a sprinkling of officers and several members of the President's house hold, all in nniform. I made up to one of the sentinels and stated my business. He gave me a military salute, the same as I got before, and then sent me to tbe concierge. This individual who was dressed in a long tailed blue coat with myriads of buttons, white pantaloons and a hat a la Napoleon, sent me to another official's office at tbe fur ther end of a big graveled court yard. I waited here half an hour. At last I was admitted into an endless looking corri dor by a huge pompons lackey, who must have weighed about 200 pounds and was fully six leet and a half. He was dressed in black, and, as usuil, wore lots of buttons and a big silver, or imitation silver, chain around bis neck. There were some half a dozen under lackeys also in uniform who danced attendance on him. The silver chained individual pompously informed me that I would have to call around in two hours' time, and then I was allowed to es cape from so much dignity. Well, I ap peared punctually at the appointed time. I found many there on the same errand as myself. At length my turn came, and I had to nil out a rorm witn my name, age, address, occupation, where I came from, what journals I represented, etc. Then I was given in charge of the Gurcon de Bureau, who, carrying this lorm and my credentials in his hand, escorted me through intermin able passages until we came to another graveled courtyard. Telling me to wait outside, where there were already about a half dozen uncovered individuals, the Gar con de Bnreau disappeared into an office. Aftefa long argument with tbe official, to whom I was shortly introduced, I got my passes. Db Wolfe Scanlan. Crashed bnt Not Broken. A good joke is told on Home Tooke, whom the Tories in the English House of Commons thought to crush, bv imposing upon him the humiliating task of beeging the House's pardon on his knees; Tooke went on his Knees, and begged pardon for the offensive expression he had used; but in rising up he knocked the dnst of his knees, and exclaimed Iqjidly enough to be heard all over the House: "It's a dirty House, after all I" Boars of laughter followed this exclamation, and the lories caw they had ailed in their object lllllfBRM-E1 A STORY- OF NORTHERN" WISCONSIN, FOUNDED ON FAOT. WRITTEN FOB THE DISPATCH. BY CHARDES Q. SEYMOUR, One of the Most Popular Newspaper Correspondents of the Hay, and ' Author of Many Short Stories. If you could have seen her in her narrow cell with her thin gray hair tossing abont her ashy, sunken face you would have pitied her, although it is probable you never knew her story. Bess Sfebbins wasn't much on looks when she was a girl up in Northern Wisconsin. Still she was always plnmp and tidy in her new calico gown and whenever she langhed, as she did once in awhile, there was music for tbe nightingale. Mark Prentiss was a big. rawboned, goodnatured boy, who never did much work but who always managed to get along in an easy and contented sort of way. Everybody in the settlement knew him, because in tbe first place the settle ment was small and in the next place Mark was .such an eccentrio fellow that it would have been impossible for him to have gone into obscurity, no matter how hard be tried. Many were the days he sat and whittled spigots for barrels; yet nobody ever knew what became of tbe spigots or whatever possessed Mark to whittle them. Bnt that was merely one of the fellow's ec centricities. Then too, he always carried a pin-cushion under the lapel of his coat and only once was he known to ride in any kind of a vehicle. Mysterious as he was, and coarse and sun baked as were his features, tbe fellow some way or another completely won the heart of pretty Bess Stebbins. Nobody could tell why, and nobody cared mnch, lor to tell the truth a courtship in the settlement was to be expected now and then. When the wedding-day came Mark got up and did the chores and then went over to Bessie's bonse, where the knot waa tied. Abe Pritchard, the town supervisor and surveyor, was best man, and well he might be, for Abe and Mark '- x 1 IT ain't a woman's woek nohow. had poked many a bearout of its hole and then sat down and stripped the carcass while the smoke from their pipes curled among the pines and tamarack. There were singing and dancing at the wedding, and nobody thumped the floor with more vim than Mark and Abe. Pretty Bes., redder than usnal because of tbe worry and excite ment through whieh she had passed, sat in an old-fashioned rocker and smiled nervous ly as she watched the flying feet, and once she coughed when the dust from Mark's big boots lifted a clond of dust from the old white floof. Mark didn't change much alter his mar riage. He wore the same old milk-bespattered boots, whose heels were run over to a scandalous angle, the pincushion remained beneath the lapel of hi coat, and he kept right on whittling spigots, but not so many of them as he did before he took Bess to his home. He was the same old eccentric Mark Perkins, only he got more crotchets into bis head from time to time. He wouldn't give up his pewter plate at the dinner table for love or money, and when Bess used to tell him tbat his woolen stockings must be uncomfortable in summer. Mark wonld grow excited and declare that if he were to maite a change ne wonia surety die or rheumatism. Years came and went, leaving the boards of Mark's home a dull, sullen gray, and its only chimney grimy and slightly out of plumb. Mark" was still there, although somewhat feeble and pale, for asthma had sot him bv the throat and was slowly but surely strangling him. Bess was there, too, but she wasn't the Bess of old. She was wrinkled and gray but she still carried with her those great, round, lustrous eyes that had burned deep into more than one man's heart Abe Pritchard grew old, too, but not so old that he could not go out into the forest and nunc lor Dears ana cats in the Jail of the year. Mark grew worse from year to year. Tbe village doctor, who used to go about the country in a dusty, rattling buckboard, couldn't help him. And so he coughed and wheezed until the neighbors began to pity him and send him things to bnrn in his room while he tried to sleep. Then he took to his bed, where he could see from hi) nar row window the purple clouds build themselves in an ampitheater in the West ern horrizon when the snn went down. Mark knew he was going to die before snow came. Bess tried not to think so, but some of the neighbors had seen "her crying when Mark was at his worst, and it was common belief in the neighborhood that she, too, was apprehensive, if not dis couraged. Old Abe was a daily visitor at the honse. When he came into tbe sick Toom he seemed to bring with him the in vigorating odor of tbe balsame. For it was always noticed that when Abe did come Mark grew brighter, and his rasping cough fell away to a spasmodio rattling in the throat which was often mistaken for laughter. One day late in autumn Abe squared himself in a chair close to the bedside ot his friend, as was his custom when be called. It was one of Mark's bad days. His eyes were feverish and his long bony hands clutched the bedclothing with a nervous grip. The doctor bad said tbat the sufferer was dying, and even Abe, who was not much of a student of death, saw a change for the worse in the condition of his friend. "Glad you came, Abe," he said with a weak voice. '.I've got something I want to say to yon. It won't be long before I'll drop out, but afore I go, Abe, I want you to swear to do as I tell you." To JtaflSAr 4 lift ltf. V1J a& sV JX Va twirling about his fingers and looked I steadily at his iriend. " 1 "Will you do it, Abe?" asked the sufferer, choking with the effort "As sure as I'm here, Mark; but what's the use of talking about dyin'? Goshall hemlock, Mark, cheer up. You're not eat in' enough that gruel Is goin' agin you." "Goin to die as sure as preachin', Abe. You can't stop it; Bess can't stop it; no body can stop it" And Mark coughed again and then looked inquiringly at his friend. "Seen sicker men than you get well," said Abe, moving restlessly in his chair. "Not with asthma." "Not with asthma, no; but I've seen Nick Collier get out of typhoid fever after his eyes was sot, and you know how the Fletcher boy got up out of his coffin after he was laid out and ready for the grave yard," and Abe's rnddy 7ace assumed a triumphant expression as he narrated thesa incidents in village history. "But they didn't have asthma, Abe," pleaded the sufferer, "and now. old part ner," he continued, "I want you to promise me tbat alore they bury me you'll put me on my face in the coffin. You know I never slept on my back and I ain't goin' to do it when I'm dead. You needn't tell Bess anything about it. Just slip in afore they screw the lid and roll old Mark on his face. Don't say no, now Abe. It's got to be done." If it had not been for the rustling of a lilac bush agtinst the window panes noth ing would have broken tbe silence which followed this strangely eccentric man's last request Abe stared blankly at his friend, and then slowly tying a knot in his white beard, took one of tbe sufferer's hands in his own. "Will you do it, Abe?" "If you say so, Mark; bnt I'd rather Bess'd'do it, cause she knows more about handlin' you than L" "So she does when I'm alive," replied Mark, appreciating the grim bnmor, "but yon see, Abe, she never saw me dead; and then besides it ain't a woman's work nohow 'specially 'f she's as good as Bess." Tbe weather grew thick and humid that night Tbe sun went down in a bank of sullen clouds and the parched leaves of the trees hung motionless. Mark's asthma clutched him with a merciless grip and strangled him so that wondering neighbors clung clnmsily abont the fence and listened to the distressing respirations of the sufferer. Bess, Abe and the doctor were at tbe bed side, but not one of them could do anything to loosen tbe fingers of death. Slowly bnt steadily the unseen hand closed about the throat with fiercer tension until the breath of life was squeezed from the strange old man. It was a very plain funeral at Mark's weather-beaten house. The village preacher prayed sonorously and disjoint edly, and the mourners, with the exception of Bess, Abe and the undertaker, sang "Bock of Ages." Mark looked so natural in his coffin that some of the villagers, who always said such things on such occasions, declared that he looked as though ho had jnst fallen into a pleasant sleep. The Iireacher prayed again this time at greater ength than before and then the mourners left the room while the undertaker pre pared the coffin for burial. Abe remained with him and when the door was closed two pairs of arms rolled the body upon its face. It was all done in a moment Then the glistening lid was hurriedly screwed down and the pall-bearers were summoned to carry the box to the hearse which stood in the lane. There was no ceremony at the graveyard, which at tbat time of year was over-run with blooming weeds and vines. The village preacher wanted to pray again, bnt Aba stopped him in an irreverent but decorous way, and thereafter nothing disturbed the silence but tbe sobs of poor grief-stricken Bess and the droning of the bees as they scurried from flower to flower. Mark's death and funeral were town talk for a week or more, and then Lige Hector's saw-mill burned and set the people to talk ing abont incendiaries, new fire engines and the like. Nobody paid mush attention to Bess, 'who seemed content to spend her widowhood in the little weather-beaten cot tage. She always looked trim and neat but her face had so much sadness in it that the neighbors when they saw her shook their heads owlishly and said the grief was slowly dragging her to death. She was olten seen in the graveyard, staring wildly at the weed-clad mound which marked the resting place of Mark. She would come there late in the afternoon and remain there until the stars came ont and the frogs croaked from the pond. It was evident that Bess was madly agitated abont something, and finally it became known that the poor woman was suffering from the fearful conviction that her husband had been buried alive. She recalled how, whan Mark was lving in the coffin, his cheeks glowed jnst below the eyes, and she was now certain that she had seen him move even after tbe grave clothes had been pnt on him. Then, too, she had seen Mark's face at her window one night, when a storm was beat ing furiously apon the cottage. These frights, suspicions and convictions were too mnch lor such a frail body to stand. At last she could bear the burden no longer, and, with a face white and rigid with de termination and a voice almost hysterical in its inflections, she demanded that the neighbors open tbe grave and the coffin, and thus forever satisfy her that Mark's death was not tbe result of accident or malice. Abe wonld have givsn his hop farm and all he owned to have stopped this distressiaj ". 4 i A zV - ' ,df.2b-. l-"fc. L. "iL r rT -if,'i Tftamffirfi . -&A KKmSm TBlTiWiH tSMmm
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers