THE ME STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS, Another View -—A Popular Version | The Diagnosis—-A Finality — The | Editor's Theory, Ete., Ete, This fact in chaste, poetic Language oft is at us hurled : “The hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world," But from a truthful standpoint, This thing ean not be put , For the reason that the cradle, As a rule, is rocked by foot, A POPULAR VERSION, ‘Are you going to move the first?” ‘No; it's cheaper to owe rent,”— Hallo. on THE DIAGNOSIS. Dude— “Do yon think I brain fever, dootor?” Doctor— “Oh, no, but you have the fever. Detroit Free Press, A FINALITY. have the “Jackson tells me the last thing he wrote was accepted. Do you know what it was?" ‘“Yes, his resignation.” —'Tit-Bits, SACRIFICE Tommy— ‘Does it really hurt you to whip me?” “Mother— ‘‘Certainly, my child.” Tommy—*“Then lick me again!"— Hallo. NOT AMHOST OF A SHOW TO STAY. He— “‘I hear that Talkins moved out of his house because it was hannted.” She— “Oh, I see. He left the spirit moved him." —Indianapolis Journal. because THE EDITOR'S THEORY, ‘Poets are born, not made,” he said loftily. “1 know it," said the that is the reason there are them." —Life. litor, “and 80 many of MIGHT BE WORSE, Mrs. Youngbride to be different, marriage.” Mrs. Sinniek that, my dear. ferent.” —Puck. ““Greorge seems SOmeNnow, since our “Time He'll su will be remedy indif- yon EXPLAINING A REPUTATION. “You don't seem to give Bykins credit for any originality whatever.” “I don't. His memory isso wretched he can't quote correctly ; that's all.” — Washington Star. XO DIAGRAMS NEEDED Now, “Is your her daughter inting ?”’ other —*'Well, I should say so. Her last picture was so good that only improving in three of the family failed “0 guess what | it was." —Chicago Inter-Ocean. THEE PROOF, doubt as to whether she will take well in a photo- giaph how 1s the qr decided?” “In the negative the negative.” “When a woman is in 1estion usually you block -Buffalo Courier SEQUENCE OF IDEAS, “Hello?” exclaimed the telegraph editor. ‘‘Here's a first-class article from Kentucky.” “You don’t say so,” responded the absent-minded city editor. “Who's got » cork screw?’ — Washington Star. AX INSTANCE, Miss Passe (stmpering) — “The Y Say these photographs don't do me justice, Mr. Seddit.” Mr. Seddit (firmly)—*'No, they do not. Butthen justice, you know, should always be tempered with mercy. Chieago Record. THE TRAMP Landleigh— That snowstorm have painted is wonderfully realistic.” Daubleigh-—*‘It must be. A tramp got into my studio one day, esanght sight of the picture.and unconsciously put on my fur overcoat before he went out," —Tit- Bits, A CRITIC UNCONSCIOUSLY. von MASTERING DETAILS, Mrs. Smith ~~ ‘Mrs. Uptodate is one of the leaders of the Woman Suffrage movement, is she not?” Mrs. Brown-—‘‘Yes, indeed! She's an advanced thinker. Have you read her magazine article on ‘How to Staff Ballot Boxes ?' "Puck. A MODEST REQURST, Judge—*‘“Is there any special work you desire to do during your term or imprisonment?” Prisoner—*‘1 would like to follow my regular voeation." Judge — “What is that?" Prisoner‘ ‘Commercial traveler, "'- Hallo A LITERARY TRIUMPH. Priend- “Found a publisher for your book yet?" Seribbler--‘'No; to tell yon the " book is a work of genius, “Anybody praised it?” **No; but forty-five publishers have | refused it." Puck. MADE IT USEFUL. “Hello, Timmins!” said the in- ‘You “Avything peactioal 7” ‘‘Emincatly practical. Part of it 1 ased for kiadling, sad by putting rockers on the rest I made it into first-class oradle for the twins. Washington Star. | hungry and cold. | positions and he told her { behind the f | the world. ventor's friend, “Have you done auy- | thing with your flying ranchine yet?" | A WET BLANKET, “Can yon give me alittle breakfast, ma'am?” pleaded the tramp. “I'm | slept outdoors, Inst night, and the rain came down in sheets,” **You should have got in between the sheets,” said the woman kindly, as she motioned him to the gate, —Bos- ton Home Journal. NOT AT ALL POLITIC, Pilles—*‘That young Dr. a queer person.” Squills—* ‘How ro? Pilles—-*‘Mrs. Hyswelle ealled him in to prescribe for one of her indis- Sagely is her wonders why the matter with And yet he not hing proved it, he doesn't get on better with his rich | patients,” Chicago Record. HAVE THEIR OWN TROUDLES, Friend—**And Mr. Cold plunks to-day ?"’ Mrs. Coldplunks— “Quite ill! The doctor says it is nervous prostration.” Friend— “How was it brought on?” Mrs. Coldplunks— ‘Well, THEY how is you see, | Mr. Coldplunks had just finished his twenty-two story building, when he learned that that odious Van Bank was about to erect a twenty-four story building on the opposite coruer,’— Mack. WAITING, “You onght to be ashamed of your. self I" she exelaimed to the tramp, who had stopp d at her door. “You ought to have some steady calling.” “I have me perfession,” he replied, | with quiet hauteur “Well, why under the sun don’t you go to work at it? Your right in the yrime of life.” “I know it. ' what the matter is. I'm an iufant digy, I've got ter wait 1 hood I kin re Washington Star. al bef Te the driving en a finer wheels seen in vn had come out ut It was plain paradi 1 to one ctators. woddin 4 344 CArTiag: turn inquired, Ward the “It's a ¢ 100K gorgeons pageant. Arr parade of our most was the reply. tsa kind of yed, is it?" curiously at CIASSES, fash “Oh,” said the man, A PATH ie of the unemplo I'he other one looked man “That's all right if he and he Press, the " said the man, as talking about, Detroit Free knew what he was tad WRIEQUL AWAY CIRCUMSTANCES, | “Ob, | Can't I play it?" Lite | tle Fthel MoGoogin's eyes wore filled | with tears, the childish voice was pleading Mr. MeGoogin spol lds © cally, Nol!” money mve spent n Yo up testily from “Em- “if the ir musical vl wi ar jingles, " the piano paper. said ; J yhat education u suf- ] itly n stirred, Back" Dead aA MUR. “Stitch, Stitch, Stiteh,” A discussion in England meerning shirtmakers brought ot we information, mate of a practical t has based shirt. 8 Wage upon the e maker, of that are pnt Irrigation Bureau, The Department of Agriculture has established a branch known ns irrigs- tion inquiry for the purpose of eolleot- ing dats of the system of irrigation and ma. er of raising fruit and grain, in the hope that the information thus gnined from the practical irrigationist and agrionlturist will through the re- ports of the Department of Agricuitnre be of great use, not only to those en- gagod in the practical cultivation of { the soil by such mesns, but will be a guide to the intending immigrant and | a source of nseful information to Con. | gress, thereby siding that body to in- truth, old boy, I begin to think that | telligently legislate for the good of the settlers upon the arid lands of the United States, — Now York World. L————— ——— The Yolees of Nations, The Tartare are supposed to have, as a nation, the most powerful voices in The Germann possess the lowest voices of any civilized people. The voices of both Japsuess and Chie nese are of a very low order and foe- ble compnan, and are probably weaker than suy other nation. Taken ns a whole, Europeans lave stronger, clearer aud bettor voices thaa the in. habitants of the other continents, London Lancet, | there was and | { thus the trouble is made worse, CHAPPED TEATS IN A COW, This trouble is hardly to be avoided when the milker wets the teats during milking. The wetting and subsequent drying will certainly cause cracks in the skin, and once these happen it is difficult to heal the wounds while the cow is giving milk, ss at every milk- ing the eracks are broken open and The best remedy is to apply pure vaseline to the teats and soften the skin and the wounds. —New York Times. THE USE OF OATS. In feeding oats, especially the whole grain, much depends upon the nature of the hull or chaff, It is not always the heaviest grain which gives the best results. That which much above the standard weight has most often a rough, gritty chaff which so acts on the stomach as to expel much of the grain in an undigested state. The hull, however soft its texture, is always laxative, and a moderate de gree of laxativeness is beneficial, especially to breeding but there gain in the heaviest grain in a nearly whole state, will be more thoroughly digested, is commonly that the which sells for the highest price is the best feed, — New } 18 animals, Is no passing Better use a light grain, which It supposed but it is not always the case, rk World. 118, % that have stiained the applies 1 Mg made rapid growth and above weight in a comparatively short period. Age may be reckoned in the time to commence feeding the sour milk, and it may be set down at ten weeks, — Rursl Life. anthracite, eannel, ther eonl, Beans, twenty pounds, Plastering hair, eighty pounds, Turnips, sixty pounds Unsiacked lime, thirty pounds, Cori eal, fifty pe Fine snlt, fifty Hungarian Dita mined unds ive pounds, rass seed, fifty pounds Ground peas, twenty-four pounds Orchard grass seed, fourteen pounds English pounds, blue Home Kriss seed, and Farm. KILLING HARMFUL INSECTS, Recent researches in economic en tomology prove that the immediate | destruction of certain predaceons in socts is not always the most certain way of meeting the evil esused by them. United States Entomologist, Professor C. V. Riley, in his last address before the Association of Economie Ento mologiste, that immediate destruction too frequently destroys at the same time the parasatio insects, with which many injurious insects are aoccom- panied, and that a plan that will allow these to develop within their hosts is much more certain to further interests of agriculturists,. This is well illus: trated in the ease of the common bag worm, a species much subject to para- sites, If their cases or bags are gath ered in the winter, as is the usual enstom, both bag worms and their onemion will have been destroyed alike. But if they be gathered #o- geiher in rome vessel and kept nntil the following summer in some locality far removed from any tress or shrubs upon which they can feed, the young worms when they emerge will be able to crawl but for a short distance be. fore they perish for want of food, And their parasites, which emerge in the winged state, will bo able to fly through | fourteen | It has been pointed out by the | away in search of other armies to con- quer. In this way the farmer can protect an almost microscopic friend who in a day will do more toward the extermination of their common enemy than will he in a month. This is but one typical case of very many; and it serves also to call attention to the un- fortunate fact that we have compar- atively few farmers in this country who avail themselves of the services of | an Entomological Bureau that is the envy of all enlightened European agriculturists. — New York Witness, STABLE IATTER. The matter of litter for the stables is one deserving attention at this time, | Formerly, when economy was not con- | sidered as it the straw was | looked upon as worthy of no better | use than to be trodden under foot and | go into the manure heap. But now the straw 1s made a valuable food, and by cutting it and adding some grain | food richer in nutritive elements, it is easily made as valuable as hay, so that it eannot be used as litter any more. There are other | that may take its place that have no | food value, and these should be col- 18 now, several substances | lected for use as soon as possible, The first and best of is leaves | from the wood lot or the forest, It has been found profitable to keep up a f timl these | plantation for this sole if for noo use, » heaps and covered from They are soft and warm and best of manure it POs f make the cossary labor in laily, as is often trodden and fow nd less every ele ald d litter for o« of hard wood and r a floor re- and purifies be be YW pine, It IB yYers abso nt, it sprinkled owe freahens able ter in ! Ie anced But to dust the bh gyp- sum as soon as it is cleaned and before the litter spread Dry muck is next to sawdust for t EVOrY Cane floor wit Is swamp its clean- liness and better for its use as manure, for its antiseptic quality sweetens the air ot’ the stable, and it is the gread- iest Of all absorbents, faking up twice | its weight of liquid matter. If straw | is used it will be trebled in value by atting fodder-cutter., It hen lies better on the floor, covers better and is more absorb- : it small in a " IGALUre siraw, Owing to the the r dry sd the than long ’ straw ARiryman earth in straw to straw cut and wetted reguiar ration f is far « wer than foe hay The fully ne-third, and the be pt in better « heal saving will be animaks will ndition and CGrerman- town Tels graph FARM AND GARDEN NOTES, fitting collar or iriver is generally re- r a horpe’s balking. Overloading, an ill an 1 tem pe red sponsible w af the first p- g will result should be planted by iy Nothing « jusis it in fra RIAN oe Plant it early and put in | plenty of it Spraying should not be done in the middle of the day, ese cially if the sun is hot, or damage to the foilage is {| apt to ensue, I'he nearer we can restore our soils to the condition in which the breaking plow first found them, the better crops we may expect Refuse vegetables, peelings, ete, ean be made into a mash with wheat bran and fed to the hens with as great { a profit as if fed to the hogs Fruit-growers should not let the | past year's experience disconrage | them, Searcely any line of productive | labor was profitable last year, During the first two weeks chicks | will do well in a room with no ontaide (run, but after that they should be given a range or they will droop. A prominent breeder of hogs who { has kopt eareful records says that for | ten years he Las been able to sell stock | at an average price of $5.06 per 100 | pounds, Do not erowd the half-grown chickens together in a small coop. This causes disease as well as de- | formities, such ascrooked breastbones and wry tails, Eggs for hatching purposes should not be exposed to a lower temperature than forty degrees above zero. Eggs froeze at about ten degrees above zero, which kills the germ. Ii a team pulls unevenly the trouble may be remedied by unhitching the inside traces and crossing them so as to have the same horse attached to the {same end of each mingle-tree. One ence is known whers many a heavy load has been pulled by adopting this expedient, [THE TOOTHSOME PEANUT. OUR ANNUAL CROP I8 ESTIMATED AT 4,000,000 BUSHELS, Norfolk, Va., is the Peanut Market ot the World Cleaning, Grading and Branding the Nuts, ROM 1866 to the present day the peanut supply has steadily “G¢_ smount produced and put upon the market is estimated at 4,000, - 000 bushels per annum, Peanuts grow upon a trailing vine, { with leaves much resembling a small | | four-leaved clover. The small, yellow | lower it bears is shaped like the blos- | | som of all the pea family ; indeed, the | agricultural buresu in Washington | does not recognize the peanut as a nut | i at all, but classes it among beans, | The soil in whieh it is eultivated must | | be light and sandy; after the | falls away, the flower-stalk elongates | and becomes rigid, curving in such a way as to push the forming pod well | below the surface of the earth; if by accident this is not done the nut never | matures, They are planted in rows about three | feet apart, and the vines spread until the ground is covered by them. Har- | vesting is done after the first frost, and | the yield 18 often 100 bushels to the | nere, making this a more profitable | erop than wheat or cotton, The vines, with the nuts elinging to them, are torn up with prongs 1 hoes, and allowed to dry in the sun for a day or two, and then stacked to cure. In about a fortnight the nuts are picked off, the empty are techically | ealled “pops,” rejected. This me by hand, and slow laborer a day. which being Ones, picking is de work, as an 1 expert can only three bushels into market in a and clinging to the Norfolk, Va., market of the unassorted, leave nulls as they farmer peanut 1s interesting enough, would hardly have entitled it to be described our American 1876 what is now dustries called a factory,” for cleaning, and branding established in Norfolk. this product st once immensely increased, and there are now in Nor folk and its immediate vicinity four- teen of factories —several of was value of i peanuts, The was these | them large, five-story brick buildings, | werful and expensive | | Bled with | machinery, &nd each emplovifiy from 100 to 200 persons, both male and fe- male, for all the picking over is done entirely by manual labor jut though he did not actly the right name for tablishment, Mr, Elliot, 11 only ] farm« rs, OY their erop, and, standing nov trade, is kr States ducted a party of over his establishmen plaining all the various US In A CHATIRING, Ccioar nanner, he sent us Away a large bag of “first q and the most pleasant rec our host and When the factory they stained, and and oot he Aring uality WRT visit peannul Are the factory Here they are and emptied into large | these bins they fall to the into large eylinders, f long, which revolve by friction the nuts are cleansed from the earth which clings to them, poi- ished so that they come out white and glistening rapidly, ana and From this story 1 nuts fal through shoots to the third and most interesting floor Imagine rows of long, narrow tables, divided lengthwise into three sections by thin, inch-high strips of wood. These strips also surround the edge of the table Each of these sections is floored with a strip of heavy white canvas, which moves incessantly from the mouth of a shoot to an opening leading down below at the further end of the table. These slowly-moving canvas bands, | about a foot wide, sre oalled **pick- | ing aprons.” Upon the outer aprons | of each table dribbles down from the shoot a slender stream of peanuts, and on each side of the table, so close i ach | together as searcely to have “‘elbow | room,” stand rows of colored girls and | women, phoking out the inferior pea nuts as they pass and throwing them into the central section. Bo fast do their hands move at this work that one cannot see what they are deing till they cast a handful of nuts into the middle division. By the time a nut hes passed the sharp eyes of eight or ten pickers, one may be quite cer- tain that it is a first-class article, fit for the final plunge down two stories, into a bag which presently shall be marked, “‘Eleotric Light” brand, and fetoh the highest market price. The peanats from the central aprons fall only to the second stary, where they under yet another picking over, on ilar tables, the of these forming the second increased, until now the gross | flower | | grade. From the central apron of | these tables Mr, Elliott gathered care [lessly a handful of peanuts grest, | fine-looking ones that we thoughts should surely have gone into an *‘elec- { trie light” bag. “I'll give you a dollar for kernel you find in these,” he said, | presenting them to us, We eagerly | erncked them, found them perfectly empty, and regarded Mr. Elliot as a sort of magician, who conld see through | & shell, if not a mill-stone. “It is the mmplest thing in the | world,” he said, langhing st our be- | wilderment, ‘“thongh it always puzsles | strangers.” And he showed us how a strong current of air blew the empty shells at once into the central division. The third grade of peanuts, or what remains after the second picking, is then turned into a machine which { erushes the shells and separates them | from the kernels. These are sold to of eandy while the | shells are ground up snd used for horse bedding. Bo no part of this little fruit, vegetable or nut, which- | ever it may turn out to be, is finally wasted, but all serves some useful pur- pose, The peanut is a little patriot, be- cause it helped the poor soldiers when the war was over; it has stood by the poor farmers during many a desperate season, and now furnishes employment for thousands of laborers, not only in Norfolk, but in factories at | other towns in its section of country. It creates a steadily increasing in- dustry, sud there be gins to be a de- mand for our peanuts in foreign countries, as they are far less oleagin- ous and more to the taste than those grown in Afriea, so there is a fair prospect for a profitable ex- port trade in the future.—New Orleans every | manufacturers aany ATE able ne — WISE WORDS. vksliding often beg It is the face. Praise and n tl in She sae Growth a sclfish heart as there Be grateful esxings and it will make your trials look small There can be no permanent or abid- ing good in unconsecrated wealth. Benevolence withont has no more heart in it than a grindstone. A flower will have something sweet no matter where yoa put 4 ove to say to yon, Perseverance can accomplish won- 1 | TT N > » 3 ha rer lers, but It cannot nk 4 ey losophy to has the SEWOAr, 18 uragh nanlin Many | r front uten bho tries his best house, — Tr Gis keep burglars ou 118 Ram Horn. How Indians Ralse Hair, the mutilstion tearing the skin fr vd began will never be kn Just when ead by wn, i J 8 ex- {f Maceabeos it termination of f which that J full, the victori- fore the skin from the headsof their vanquished foes. This would be evidence that the custom of ® wlp taking indual- gences even of thom people of whom have record in the Bible, Be that as it may, itis an lished fact that the custom uni versal one, so far as 18 concerned. Whether ethnologists ean builds theory of a common origin of man from this or not, or whether this can be taken as an evidence that the Indians are the descendants of the lost Israelite tribes because of their habit of securing momentoes of hair from their fallen enemies, is some- thing time alone can develop, Be that as it ray, it isa fact that all In. dian tribes, to a certain extent, sealp their enemies who have fallen in bat- tle. Some writers on the subject of Indian habits and customs deny this, but I believe that no tribe is abso- lutely free from the taint of having taken the sealp, Pittsburg Dispatoh. - CC ———— - His Experience Account, ‘hen 1 lose anything,” says » | well-known Maine business man, “I | charge it to the nocount of experience, [You may think it strange, but I be. {lieve the good-sized sum I have al. rondy entered under that head is the most profitable money I ever spent, [ Adversity is the great teacher if we [but heed her lessons. 1 lost S500 once in a transaction that gave mo | information and a proper respect for matters I had deomed of little acoount, from which I alterward made 85000. I would not sell my experience acoouut, at my age, for five times what it has cost me, for I shan't live long enough to get sharpened up "we Lewiston Journal, ivthical riod of man In thie B ok 1 that at the of the battles ly history is so ns soldiers was one of the wi estabe is A SAVAGE man
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers