'THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Woman A Bud of Very Slow Growth-- No Proposals He Was a Sucoess— That’s What Made Him Flat, Ete, ‘With a plercing scream from a mouse she springs When she sees it on the floor ; Yet she'll lord it over a man, by jings, Who commands an army corps. New York Press, HE WAS A SUCCESS, “Fitzgoober is always making a spec- tacle of himself.” “Yes, snd everybody sees through him.” THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM FLAT. Nell—“‘Robinson is a regular flat.” Belle-—*“Yes, poor fellow, he's been gat upon a great many times.” kee Blade. oUT OF THE MARKET. Floor Walker (to young lady)—*“Is any one selling yon?” Young Lady (sweetly) sale. "— Boston Transcript. “I'm not for RO PROPOSALS, “I am single from choice,” she said | ‘sarcastically. “Whose choice?’ he asked. —Atlanta Constitution. OF COURSE, Ruth—*‘I hope your marriage will be happy, dear.” Kitty— ‘It's bound to be. Charlie 18 80 rich." — Detroit Free Press. A BUD OF VERY SLOW GROWTH. Waddles—*“Miss Oldish is 8 ‘bund.’ you know.” Cyniens— ‘Must be a flower of the century plant, then. ”--Chieago Record, CERTAIN TO STAY AT ROME. “I—I hardly—How many lodges are you member of, Hiram?” **Not one, Katie; not one.” “Well, you may ask papa.” cago Tribune, -Chi- HIS REAL AMRBITION, Quivers (significantiy)--“‘1 wisk I were wedded only to my work.” Mrs. Quivers—‘“That is to say, you want a wife who'd support Chicago Record. you,” HIS THEORY. “How slowly the train is moving now !” said a passenger. “Yes,” replied another. “The bag- gage master must have checked it." Pittsburg Chronicle. THE IMPONTANT SEX. Sanday-school Superintendent — “And who was Adam?" Small Girl (daughter of modern pro- gressive woman)— ‘He was the hus band of Eve.” — Life. APPROPRIATELY NAMED, “I wonder why it is called ‘the height of fashion,’” said Mrs. Snaggs. *“To correspond with the altitude of the cost, no doubt,” replied her hus- band. —Atlanta Constitution. AT A MINIMUM. The Heiress—‘‘And are you sure, Arthur, that your love for me will never grow less?” Arthur (with suspicious promptness ~ “Absolutely certain, my dear.” Detreit Tribune, NEEDED A BION, Critic—*‘I tell you what it is, Mr MeDaub, those ostriches are simply superb. You shouldn't paint anything but birds.” Artist (disgrusted)— ‘Those are not ostriches. They are angels!” Life. A MAIDER Elaine “How . manage to throw over vonr fiances and still kee P them all friendly?’ Gladys “Tell "em TI respect them too highly to offer them a feeble love Then they think they are too good for me, "Chicago Record. PHILOSOPHER, do von t DEGENERATE BON OF NEW ENGLAND. ‘‘Beans, ma'am?” exclaimed the man at the kitchen door, aghast, “Beans! Why, ma'am, I've come more'n a thou- sand miles to git away from ‘em !” And the tourist from Boston went sadly away and tried the next house, Chicago Tribune, AN ADDITION TO THE LANGUAGE. “Would yon call Dexter a poet?” “No, sir. He is a riminal.” ‘A what?" “Riminal. That's a word of my own. If aman who commits crimes is a criminal, I don't see whys man who eoismits rhymes shouldn't be a riminal, "Life, HIS HEAD IN THE RIGHT PLACE. “Mrs. Gardle says her husband has made a will in which he leaves her all his property.’ “H'm! Gardle hasn't a cent to his " name, “I know it, John; but it shows the right disposition, and that, after all, is everything, you know. "Wail, OUT OF THR COMMON, Railroad Man (angrily)—‘Y have | just found out that that cow we had to pay for had not given any milk for five years.” Farmer Smartt —" Yana; thet's so," “It in, is it? Now, sir, whet right had you to put such a high value on her? Tell me that.” “Wall, you see, I valucd that cow 88 a curiosity." Life, . A COUPLE OF EXPERTS, + The talk bad drifted to mental phe- Yan- | innocently | i ———— aa Wt omnis nomena, when suddenly the maiden shyly asked : “Are yon a—a mind-reader, Hor- ace?” “I am, Susie,” he said, So am I!” And she held out her finger for the ring. She had sven its bulging out- lines in his vest pocket.—Chicago | Tribune, BIE COULD TALK, Brown-— “That wife of yours is a | woman of great accomplishments.” {| Jones——*“Thanks. That's what avery- | body says, and I believe it myself.” Brown-—*‘Yes, and she's one of the | finest talkers I ever heard, Why, 1 could listen to her for a year.” Jones (with a sigh) —*So conid I, | but, think of it, I've been listening to { her for ten years, and she is still in robust health.” -—- Detroit Free Press SPOILED HIS CALCULATIONS, “Don’t you like the room I gave | yon?” said the hotel clerk to the drum- { mer from Cincinnati. { “Yes, the room's all right. What made you ask? Do I look worried 2” i ““T'o be frank, yon do.” i “Well, I am feeling rather nneom- | fortable. You see, 1 eame over the 8, L. O. & W, road.” “Got in late, I suppose.” “No, we got in on time, and now I have about two hours and a half on my hands that I don’t know what te | do with.” — Washington Star. BROKE IT BY STAGES, An old woman entered a downtown savings bank the other day and walked t up te the desk. “De you want to draw or deposit?” asked the gentlemanly clerk. “Naw, I doant. Oi wants to put some 1m,” was the reply. The clerk pushed up the boek for her signature, aad, indieating the place, said: “Sign on this line, please . “Above it or below it?" “Just above 1.” “Me whale name?” “Yen ‘Before O1 was married “‘No, just as 8 is now." “Oi can't write.” —B | seript. WISE WORDS, Marriage is love's sacrifice, Slander is vaporized venom. A kiss is a song without words, Sunshine is the leaven of lina 7. A torpid liver Ypeech is a deformity in some peo- Die, is twin to despair, 1 Mo a It is not the longest life that has i most In it The man who doesn’t want anything doesn't get it. A small mind usually has plenty of room for pride, { Werarely find as much in a dollar as we think there is An ounce of realization is seldom worth a pound of hope. Good manners and good morals are sworn friends and fast allies A rosebud of a girl sometimes turns ont to be a thorn of 8 woman Pet vices are just as apt to bite and | elaw a fellow as any other kind. Society, if good, ix a betier refiner of the spirits than ordinary books redit The man who uses all the « can get w ill SOON H find himsel Any. Some people are so kind that {heir york kindness ¢ them into tre fre (ne ntiv nae, If and soften and not recipro- Love is never lost ated it will flow purify the heart back A zood wife never eracksa smile when her husband steps upon an inverted tack at midnight, it will ge they panda methods he m without re n even if ortal wh ries to win wpe nerally to giong without eth Wonua Ming man expendas A vig enough energy in one football game to AAW AW h ile cord of stove wood, ] ———— - A Peace. Argument of Military Science, The trite saying that a great war afforded given greater significance than ever by the ean no longer be 1a le scriptions of the new field piece ol the German army. This is prononneed | the most terribly destructive engine of | war ever produced, and is a three finch gun whieh can be loaded and fired in one-third of the time required for the old gun, and with almost double | the effect and precision. Explosive shell is the only projectile. | composition that sestters thousands of {splinters over a circle of 900 feet, whereas daring the wounded, Trenton (N. J.) American. nn The “Man of “The Man of Tron,” otherwise “Olen the Wizard,” was one of the persons put to death during the witch. { eraft persecution at Salem, Muse, His | real name was CGhlos Corey, and at the | time of his awlnl death he was an old Tron,” | man past eighty. When acensed of {being a “wizard” (which the Salem lunatics seem to have considered the | masculine of witch”) he ealmly met {their charges and coolly informed { them that he would die rather than {admit that ho bad ever had com. | munion with evil spirits. He was put to the peine forte ot dure (death b prossre with hase weights) his fortitude during his dying moments | winning for him the title used in the first line. — Chicago Herald, This is | | charged with a new powder of secret | Franco-German | | war the pieces of bursting shell fell | | within a cirele of forty or fifty paces | and not more than seven or eight were A WONDERFUL TIMEP:.CE. MARVELS OF THE CLOCK IN STRASSBURG CATHEDRAL. Wound Up to Run From 1840 Until DOD — Crowds Dally Walt Its. Noonday Hour, YOR the third time the mwnnie- L ipality of Strassburg decided, in 1836, that a new astro- . nomical clock should be placed in the framework of the old one. A Strassburg watchmaker named Behwil- | gue was entrusted with the undertak- | ing, and within four years he finished | the unique mechanism which stands | to-day the wonder and smusement of natives and visitors. Not only does | this elock keep the time from day to | day, but it | without the intervention of any clock | maker. runs from year to year 1 jesides this, its face con tains a disk indicating all the variable holidays of the year, Easter, and so on. It regulates itself in the leap YORrs, It gives the phases of the moon, the eclipses, the equinoxes, and the revolutions of all the planets of the solar system. The fineness of the structure ean be understood when it is known that of the seven golden balls, of different size, representing the planets, the nearest to the sun, Mercury, takes eighty-cight days to make the circuit of its orbit while Saturn only can complete its course in 1747 days, Ot nearly three years, says the Philadelphia Telograph. The entire its maker ealenlated, 9999, if the brass and other metal of which at is built do not wear ont in the meantime. This wonderful contriv anes 1s unfortunately ina dark place, where those view it well are scarcely able to do so, Its site is a wing, which mechanism, can be en tered through the Cathedral proper or | a portal, which directly leads thither from outdoors, wreatost interest w at noon each day, though there are little quarter hour. the cock erows, The time of pe rformances at ¢ very Atl the and that is what every noon 1s Line one wants to hear. The interest nover seems to wane I o'clock, day after day, ers in this corner, waiting hibition, iu order to get a good place, and part Is which now 1s a half hour | Her nuns, bridal "or an hour before 12 a erowd gath for the ex This early arrival i= nari beesuse the elock keeps solar time nary Strassburg time soldiers, peasant women with baskets, boys with bundles, who have ran in fron the street to ok at the thing. Now, it is only a until the performane hold ADDY more ’ The beadles, ductors, are room *‘ap front,” or case, behind, They w of their majesty, and back the people surge. Still more are coming. natives, who never seem to tire 6 sight, and who know better abont the variance in the times, now drop ping in-—mothers with bales, busin men from around the corner, ove rybody else here is pot space t aretonr- 1ta, couples, get another | half : Wild the like the street-car cor sure there is plenty of rather, in this ave the wands Ale and Bee Le nutes until the he » King at 1h « Re tt] ave mn Wii not or Now comes the fat very centre « f the the eclockmaker's ery Here Death He monpun DNity 8 po sther Time has about ir Hears #tan i resenLng , On a revolving piane, & Childhood, 8 be ra} ater; Manho : Old Age clothed in the sk hood had struel Yonth the and Old Age shake rey ve all this begins to squeak in motion, In the of Christ, and aro the twelve Apostles one by one. Each stops before the Baviour, tur bows, and rece His rooster ; whet is, high up on a pede stainod.-glaes w Now hisold meta iven the outstretched i There be tal, besid Nao A he ela ks plated throat swells He flaps his wings sod erows, An other minute, Again he faps his wings and crows. And a third time Was there ever such a rooster ae this? It In all over The bendles driv 1 the people out, shut up the eathedral, and go to dinner, The tims of graatest interest eomes bnt onee a year, in the night from De eember 81 to Now Year's Day. Then An immense crowd always asserablos to watch the revolutions of the machinery ne it reg intes itwelf roady for tho Ia bors of the coming year, PN, ¥ — Twentieth Century Acricultare, The belief is gnining ground that the model farm of the futare will be on olectrie one. The nocossary eurrent enn be had by utilizing the wasted forces of neture-~the waterfalln being sufficient in many places, while in others windmills can bo used in eon nection with storage batterion In ventors are nndoubledly capable of adapting olectric 1nchines fo every kind of farm work. With well-made ronda, electrionlly lighted hoses, and a well-planned equipment of eleetrie machinery — including, possibly, elec trie carte and earringes- the lot of tiller of the soil will Le grostly im. | safely, | of | inch | howevi r, | experience | altitude over two and | phere above the three and a half { Himit in the Andes | effects of fifty feet | in water ; although the | the ease with which the | sure may be again reached lends cour | age | perimenter ; would run until the year | COrtainties who constantly wish to | hind ordi- | honr room | [he | the | proved, «Trenton (N. J.) American. Gireat Human Endurance, President Jeremiah Head, of the section of Mechanics! Beience of the British Association for the Advance. ment of Science, in hie annual address ealls attention, among other things, to the power in man to withstand vary. ing atmospheric pressures, “Thus, although fitted for an extreme at. mospherie pressure of about fifteen pounds to the square inch, he has been enabled, asexemplified by Messrs, Glaisher nnd Coxwell in 1862, to ascend to a height of seven miles and breathe air at a pressure of only three and a half pounds to the square inch, and still live. And onthe other hand, divers have been down into eighty feet deep, entailing pressure of about thirty-six per square nud have (ne water extra pounds returned has even been to a depth 160 feet, but the resulting pres pure of sixty-seven pounds per square him his life There are, extreme cases Most men INeonvenienc: half rarefied fan inch, Cost nt miles atmos mile So, great nn Ons and few can stand the Or Himal LYRE, too, with the increased pressure; few can long withstand the below the benumbing surface of pros- know ledg: normal and assurance, very important factors mn such cases, to the daring ex- while of descending of balloon the Inbor or the unp- action are de other direction. —St. the extreme monnisin: terrent in | Louis Republie. on — — Millions of Dollars Are annually lost because poor seed is planted Now, whan you sow you want to resp For intance, A. M. Lamh, Peon, made 254% on ten nores of vegetables: HB. Bey, Cal, eropped 1217 bushels Salzer's ondons per acre: Frank Clos Minn., 10 bushels of goringe wheat from tw acres; A. Hahn, Wie, 1410 bashels notatoes per acre; Frank Winter, Montana, 216 bushels # pounds oats from one bushel planted. This ls what Salzer onlls reaping. I¥ YOU WILL CUT THIS OUT AND SPR 17 with 100 to the John A. Salver Seed Ca. La Crosse Wik, you will receive thelr mammoth cata logue and ten sample packages of farm seeds Catalogue slone, he postage, A Are your lungs sre? Hateh™s niversa Cough Syrup will cure them. ®e. at dr aggista - Impaired digestion Pills. Beecham" REE. if you have not re- ceived one of the August Flower and Ger- man Syrup Diary Alman- acs for 189, rend your name and address on a postal at once, asking for Almanac No. 30, Sp Beecham's 25 cents a box. enred no others and you will receive by return books of the kind ever issued, matters you desire. Write G. G. GREEN. PILLS, reguiarity or the cure of all disorders of the LOSS OF APPETITE, DIZZY FEELINGS, DYSPEPSIA, propertios they stimulate the liver ln the secretion mail, free of all expense one of the most complete Illustrated in which you can keep a Daily Diary or Memoranda of any quick, or they will be all gone. Address Woonsury, N. J. ADWAY’S Purely vegetabie, mild and reliable. Cause Pes fort Digestion, compiste sbeorption and besithfu! Stomach, Liver, Bowels, Kdoeys, Bladder, Nervous Visganss SICK HEADACHE, INDIGESTION, FEMALE COMPLAINTS, BILIOUSHESS, PERFECT DIGESTION wifl bs sosomplishiad by taking Radwar's Pills By thelr ANTERILIOUS of the bile and Me discharge those She “silary ducts. These pills In doses fram two 0 four will | guiekly regulate the action of Lhe liver and free the patient from thess disorders. One or twa of Rad: war's Pula, taken dally by those sabject to Blows pats and torpldity of the liver, will keap the “ye tem regular and secure healtny digestion, Price, 23¢, pur Box, Sold by nll Draggists, RADWAY & €0.. NEW YOR. WALTER BAKER & CO. COCOA and CHOCOLATE w uretieh Beer = wd a form even evmposifion.” WALTER BAKER & C0, DORCHESTER, MSS. I ———— ERROR n—- If any sme Gombis (1 EAN Nr ee meen oh $0, ooh. fod ide potassiom, reap ridin or Mot hee Ie Te omy Bh lee permanente po seERY Cn ierwe. 1 _-— ACRES OF LAND for sale by the Sarwr Pavt A free. (ow ) ) Priore Rautenoad Oowpany io Minvesote. Fond for Mape and Clrews lars, They will be sent to you FREE. Adds MOPEWELL CLARKE, Tomine Orvmtmiwesomer, = Fai, Minn. THOMAS P. S1MPROX, PATENTS wold, b R0urse, Se ———— SR A SU, SOA oso " | cient for eight ships, | the approach goes straight out to deep | | water, then turns northward making | i a ERR] NCH SAR rt smn WORTH Sri = BTHITH So ——— : N all receipts for cooking requiring a leavening agent the ROYAL BAKING POWDER, because it is an absolutely pure cream of tartar powder and of 33 per cent. greater leavening strength than other powders, will give the : best results. It will make the food lighter, sweeter, o flavor and more wholesome. ROYAL BAKING POWDER CO., 106 WALL ET. NEW-YORK. PL TACT ALT ACL At ACE AN ACS AT ACL ART HL AX A Whar! a Mile Long. The new wharf completed at Santa Monies, Cal, for width, length snd cost is ansurpassed on the coast. It reaches out into the Pacifie nearly a mile, being 4693 feet in length. It is 181 feet in width and tracks. It affords wharf Don’t Fold Your Letters to the Queen, A useful piece of information to any of those suffering from that dreadful infliction cacoethes scribendi, and who, in feel themselves pe led to write to Queen Victoria, will do well to bear nd is thst they must on no acconnt paper om which they have written No con just Ocean consequence (8 FPR in ma fold the has seven room suffi each drawing munication which bears evid having been creased will ev: Her Majesty's own hands method to twenty-eight feet, that being than the draught of most of the largest freight ships in the world, Santa Monica is a charming little city of 1000 inhabitants, situsted the ocean white paper and to beach in Los Angeles County, sixteen sive in an envelope miles from Los Angeles. 80 delight- | folded high ful is the climate and the temperature more er write on thick, gic dispatch the which fits it per Bey HEFR EA Any reac hos n that Eat it ii such letters by bile + =e of the outents iether the ward 18 aon communication never the Queen. for the simple ‘ i won t io re asd of the sea that an ocean bath can be | she Opens d and enjoyed almost every day in the Year, winter as well as rot summer ss, are } As A never get be yon i} 18 of importance it i writer with directions how London Letter. The shortest distance seross the con tinent, connecting the of Orient and Occident, is from New Orleans to | IL — Santa Monica, it being 460 miles nearer CURES OTHERS than to Ban Francisco. This fact has A TERRIBLE CASE OF DEOPEY CURED. Jxc. Marrow, Esg.. been taken advantage of by the South- ern Pacific C the construc- | tion of the immense wharf Santa No. 21 McLean St. Monica's beach sloped so gently Adame, Cincinnati, Oh, : R spach 8.01 gently that writes: “1 took sick ships could not make a landing. By with dropsy, lost my ap- the use «¢ the new w an Ep tite, could not siesp, i of en har! the largest ane feverish: alwe ships can now receive or discharge car- thirsty, lost all siren, . goes directly from or pa t stomach became pain. ¥ ! 3 /: to Ars, thus . ful, breath short aud grestly lessening the distance between 7A bed to give up work, China, Japan, Great Britai on - . ibe test physiciany in I iritain and En Cincinnati, failed to rope, and consequently decreasing the help me. My mis and cost of transportation body were gwollen Starting from the shore on a curve i CCAR COMmmercs hie the or Galveston MpAnY in He enOrmons size, and . - was supsting terrible won he doctors Jomx MasLox. Esq Wil 1 SUE Bot Pel WE aguin, that I was lisbie to drop dead at any moment. My wife sent for the priest, to pre- ared me for death. While waiting for death, remembered reading of your ‘Golden Medion) Discovery,” and thought | would try it se s lust hope. ben 1 bad taken three hotties, | was simost well. The swelling entirely disappeared and I was soon abic 10 resume work. My health fs Detter now than it bas been in twenty five yoars' an I shaped structure. The approach to the wharf is 3100 feet long, twenty- eight feet wide, and contains 194 bents sixteen feet apart Two track: are leid upon this, and there is aiso 8 walk- way ten feet wide, —Chicagoe Tribune. W.L. DOUGLAS 83 SHOR oGuals custom work, costing from $4 to $6, best value for the money in the world, Name and price stamped on the bottom, Feery pair warranted, Take no subst tute, See local papers for fll description of our compiete | lines for ladies and gen tienen or send for JI Iustroted Cotologue | giving in | stractions | boy wo or. | You can get the best ur shoes, Consumptives ard peor ¢ who have weak lungs or Asth- ma. should use Pino's Cure for Consumption. It has enred thousands. [1 has not inter od one Lis not tad to take itis the best cough syrup, : : Sold everywhere. S8e. der by mail. Postage (ree i g i bargains of denier whe push | CONSUMPTION XYXNU.4 COLCHESTER'S] _- AR Especially for Farmers, Minors, E THE BEST - R. BR. Hands and others down to the heel. EXTRA WEARING QUAILITY Thousan Rubber Boot wearers testify this is the EST they ever had bod YOUR DEALER FOR THEM and don't be persuaded into an inferior arti she hi Double sole extending A 4 . 4 L ‘ < 1 L Bal fi i dh ud hie dh Ne’ One bottle for fifteen cents, Twelve bottles for one dollar. R‘1-P-A-N-S SOTO Ripans Tabules are the most effective rec- ipe ever prescribed by a physician for any isorder of the stomach, liver or bowels, Buy of any druggist anywhere, or send price to THE RIPANS CHEMICAL COMPANY, 1s Srvc Sr, New Youx, by mail. WN NIN GE NN ~~. alin “The More You Say the Less People Remember,” Word With You, SAPOLI
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers