THE MFRRY SIDE OF LIFE STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Lost and Found—A Popping Question ~A Brilliant Intellect—Serve the Same Purpose, Kte. “Ah, me!” aried the heavy villain As his arms toward heaven he tost, “If porchance I am discovered on sure am I lost, lost, lost I" Then up spake a boy in the gallery high, “There's too much of that to go round, For if by chance you're discovers Why then you are found, found, found." Judge, A BRILLIANT INTELLECT, Teacher— “Johnnie, in what way did Noah display his wisdom ?” Johnnie— “Went in when rainin’. "—Chieago Record. it was A POPPING QUESTION. Johnnie— ‘I wonder why they call these parlor matches?” Tommy--‘‘I guess it's ‘cause are the kind that pops." Hallo, they INTELLECT, Cholles— ‘Ha! ha! ha! ha! I heard such an awful good joke.” Fwed — ‘What was it?" Cholles—**Aw—I've ‘fohgotten.” — Chicago Record. SERVE THE SAME just PURPOSE. Customer— ‘Have you a copy. of “Fifteen Decisive Battles?” Bookseller-—*‘No, sir; we are sold out. But we ean give you ‘‘Reflec- tions of a Married Man." —Tid-Bits, THOSE PUZZLING FUTURES, Mrs. Wonder stand how men can buying and selling never been grown.” Mr. Opshun (who has tried it)- “Neither do 1.”"---Detroit Tribune, wheat DIGNIFIEDLY AMBIGUOUS, Pedestrian Pete— “What did ask fur at the house up the road?” Itinerent lke —*‘I ast fur some cold vittles.” P. P.— “Aa wot did you git?” IL I.—*“Cold shoulder.” —New York Press, you TAKING CHANCES, She (after George had proposed)-- “How id A “Ho said he guessed yonr papa wanted to buy th’ next door neighbor's house at a sacrifice. "'— Good News, MAN'S VANITY, * Do yon mean to say,” said one woman to another, ‘that your husband will get up in the middle of the night to chase burglars?” “Yes," “How did you manage it?” “I mado him believe I think he is brave, and he thinks that by going down stairs with the poker he is keep- ing up a very large reputation at a comparatively small risk." -Washing- ton Star, “But I don’t under- | A THRIPTY SOUL. | Mrs. Cheaply (returning joyously from a shopping tour)-—‘John, give me $4, please.” Mr. Cheaply —*‘What for?" Mrs. Cheaply — “Oh, I've got a | lovely bargain. I gave only fif¢y-nine | cents for a beautiful hanging lamp.” {| Mr. Cheaply‘ But what's the $4 for?" Mrs. Cheaply —‘‘Why, I want to pay { the cabman I hired to bring it home with me." —Chicago Record, CLARE WAS RATHER PLAIN SPOKEN, “If you should have what you want most, Miss Clare,” | for?" {| And his heart thumped against his : | side until Miss Clare answered : ! { | i | proper." The young man thought he New York World. DOUBTLESS BLISS, “Ya-a-5,"” said Willie Wibbles, with | a smile, about which there lurked a shade of sadness. “‘I am suah that Miss Secrippins wegards me verwy | kindly ; possibly, even with affection.” “What makes you think so?” ““You know how fond she is of that poodle Jack Perkins ghve her on her birthday ?" | Yeu" “Well, she told me lawst evening { that I had ways that reminded her so { much of that "~~ Washington | Star. poodle.’ “You kuow, George, papa is thinking | seriously of giving up our home, | He “Well, dear, «s man who is in | be willing to | chance!” —Boston Tran- | { test going on between two rival pro- | Maps of each line | ! 0 | the day. a New York capitalist was dis- | love as 1 am ought to take some script. ITS COST. Digby--“Where did new hat?” Higby—‘‘At my hatter's.” + Dighy—*“What did it cost?" JHigby— “All a friend of mine knew ut how the last election was com- ing out.” i ad you get the STUPF DREAMS ARE MADE OF, “Grinder is about to realize all the dreams of his life.” Snubley— ‘Rich uncle dead?” “No; his wife has graduated from a cooking school that teaches the making of thirteen different kinds of pie." —Chicago Inter-Ocean. THAT BOTH DECEIVED. Mrs. Nuwed—*“‘1 want to’ confess something to you, dearest. I deceived you about my age; it is more than I told youn.” Mr. Nuwed— “Then I may as well reciprocate, darling. 1 deceived yon about my income; it is less than I told you.” —Harper's Bazar, ON HIS MIND, Blaggins is one of the men who speak disrespectfully of prominent people. He seems to have a great gre of his face? deal on his mind, doesn't he “A great deal on his mind?” re- peated Blaggins, scornfully. “Oh, yes, you mean hair.” A “KiLrixag” IMPRESSION, Fogg—""Was up to Grosgrain’s last evening. You have made an impression there, you young rascal.” Fenderson—*‘I believe I am some- thing of a iady killer,” Fogg—'‘Yes ; said they thought they should die a- laughing about you after you went sway." —Boston Trauseript, HE KNEW HIS PLACE, “How does the old man look upon you ae a prospect ge son-in-law?” “Don’t know yet. Haven't got far enough along to sound him.” ‘“He can't be blind to the fact that you are an accepted bean?” “Well, no; that is plain enongh so far as the beau is concerned; but 1 seem to be playing second fiddle all the time.” Kansas City Journal. THE REQUISITE QUALIFICATION, ‘Bis, I think yon had better shine my shoes and wash the dishes,” said a wealthy New Yorker to his sister, who moves in aristocratic circles. “What do you mean by such non- sense 7° she acked, ‘No nonsense abont it. I see yon are flirting with an Italian count, If you are going to marry him yon otght to be fitting yourself for the position.” Texas Biftings. A NEIGHBOR'S MINTAKM, Little Miss Frecklos—- “Your sister A great pianist was pointed | out to him recently with the remark: | “Do yon note the weary expression | His daughter spoke of you. | the Cirosgrain girls | NO CONPLICE. In one of the boom towns three or our years ago there was quite a con- | jected rarlroads, { hung in the hotel office, and there, one cussing the prospects of one of the | roads. | “I notice,” he said, ‘by a compari- | son of the maps, that both roads run ) - m—— “Oh, no,” confidently replied the local boomar ; “you see, they are en- tirely different pieces of paper.” —De- trot Free Press WANTED WASH GOODS “Been buying a saddle horse daughter,” said the fat man with spectacles. “S807 said the spectecled man. “Yes. I picked out a nice bay, we/l broke-tried him myself —and brought bim around for her approvai. She looked him over with as fine a critical air as I ever but I'll bet the cigars for the two of us you ean never guess what she asked me after she got through.” “No, I can’t guess “*She wanted to the beast would dianapolis Jonrnal. for my man to the saw, What waa it?" know if I was sure never fade." —In- ALL BUT. “Dear Mabel, do “O-h, George!” “Don’t you, Mabel ? tiny bit?" “Well, y-e-8, George.” you love me?’ “And, if I married you, wonid yonr | father give { ment?’ EE 4 : "” Yes, George. “And take me into partnership #” “You, Georgy " us a separate establish- ‘‘She would, George.” “*And your brothers and sisters too?" “Why, certainly, George." sottle my debts?” “of Conrse, George.” “Darling, will you marry mo?" “No, George |" —Trath. The Ark Beats All, Speaking of ancient ships and ship said that, though Great Britain and America had made such great strides { in shipbuilding, none of their wooden ships approached the dimensions of the Ark, which was 450 feet long, seventy. | five feet broad, and forty-five feet deep, Heo ealonlstod that this was the size of this vessel from the Bible | measurements, taking the cubit to be | eighteen inches. This, he thenght, was the correct measurement, he | largest wooden ship afloat now was the | Bhenandoah, and her dimensions were | #99 feet by forty-nine foot broad and twenty-nine feet deep. Even the Jampatis was mich smaller than the Ark, except in length, and the dimen. sions of the Ark had only been ex- ceeded in the cate of the Groat East ern. In 1866 a prize wii offered for the best model of a ship made by any one in the United Kingdom, and the models were oii vizy ab the Royal In- stitution, The prize was awarded to a model six times the beam to the “Well, I think I'd chose either per- | mission to hae a clock in the parlor | or to lock at my watch when it isn't | saw | make money in | what Miss Clare wanted, and left — that has | | a full charge for this | withdraw { Verse | place the loading tray in the gun; 5, | | through pretty much the same coun- | tricity. | cost | of “And would your mother keep away | from us, except when I invited her?” | “And of course the old gent would | BIG GUNS OF BIG NAVIES WEAPONS THAT CAN BE FIRED ONLY SEVENTY-FIVE TIMES, Powder Charges Weighing 968 Pounds~Heavy Projectiles «1 Thelr Terrific Rffeet. Two of the mammoth 110-ton guns, upon which the Britich admiral- ty has so proudly commented as the “modern naval artillery,” and which eost about $100,000 each, went down into seventy fathoms of water with the battle ship Vietoria, and in con- nection with this fact, says the Wash- ington Btar, there must have heen awakened much interst among readers | as to whether such heavy war weapons, | heavier than any yet made for the United States navy, snd heavier than will probably be built, are a wise ad- dition to a modern war vessel, And yet this big gun is not a new thing, as it practically dates back twelve years, About forty of these big guns have been built, and some of | them were sent to Italy. It is easy to comprehend among navy officers that such guns are an expensive luxury, not only in the actual cost of the gun and its ammunition, but also in the size of the ships required to earry them. Bat what will be of most in- terest to lay people is the quantity and | { cost of ammunition and the life of the ho asked tremnu- | p | lonsly, “‘what—what would you ask | gun itself. The best ordnance experts ealeulate the life of the 110-ton gun to | full | 110-ton gun, sad, in- | be seventy-five rounds with charges. The Women are engaged in 100 occu- pations, There are 300 women undertakers in the United States, * Fluted effects are songht whenever they can be applied. Oapes and basqnes are no longer plain and smooth-surfaced, operated by women exclusively. uroj we, Plaid silk blouses, with velvet jackets, are arrayed in a number of pretty variations, The Waltham watchmaking estab- lishment employs 1800 women among its 3000 work people. Cape Colony in South Afriea has municipal woman suffrage. The colony rules 1,000,000 square miles. Low, small dishes of decorated china or of eut glass are used for bonbons, | and longer low dishes for celery. deed, all large guns, are fired with | slow burning concoa powder, the name coacon being derived from the brown color of the powder It is shaped in hexagonal prisms, this being the most | | eighty-four convenient form of packing, and 10, ) 000 of these prisms are needed to make monster Each prism is pierced with a hole in the centre to give re ady access to the gun. | White, with pearl trimmings and ornaments, is very much de rigeur for the evening gowns of young women. There are few spinsters in the Caucasian settlements in Sonth Africa, as the men outnumber the women ten to one. mother and has nine successful men Governor McKinley's years old children, who became and women. 18 There is no doubt that pierced sil ’ ver will be the fashion for many a long day to come. The large fruit baskets | are magnificent, flame and insure an equable ignition. | For nearly all naval grins the pow- der charge is made up of four tridges, but owing to tho extraordi- nary weight of the 110-ton gun charge (966 pounds) it is divided into sight cartridges, each weighing 120 pounds, To load gun it is to bring it to its extreme elevation is, the muzzle is pointed upward as far as it can be on’ the mount, sad these operations follow: 1, Ualoek and unscrew the block ; 2 the breech breech block to Car. the BOCORsArY breech block : vne side! that | 3, tra i 4, swab out the gun; 6, ram home, or put | | into place, the projectile; 7, place the firat charge; 8, place and ram home : : the second half charge; 9, withdraw; loading tray; 10, replesce the breech screw; 11, screw up and lock | the breech screw. The gan is then ready tobe sighted by the ceptain of the turret from his conning tower, It is fired by eles cau be loaded and rod Within two ant minutes, The projectile nsed in the gun, when ships or are attacked, 1800 pounds, or nearly 200 pounds less thau a ton, and it leaves the with a velocity 21056 fect a seo ond and a destructive energy sual to 55.305 foot-tons When tested before nating on the Sanspareil three years ago the shot tore its way through specially manufactured steel armor twenty inches thick, and yet the armor belt of the Vietoria ranged from sixteen to eighteen inches in thickness only. In addition to the twenty inches thick. ness of steel the shot went through forts mi wronght-iron frame, twgpty feet onk beuiks, six feet of eleven feet of vonerete, brick. granite blocks, and six feet of In other words it went through | forty-four and one-third feet of a wall unique in history for combination of | width and variety and strength of ma | | terials, gun was $400 for the powder and $600 Just a little | The cost of one firing of this for the projectile and fuses, and after seventy-five rounds there would be the of the gun to add, namely £100_000, In firing the gnn against o body ol men or a flotilla of boats it in i tended | to use schrapnel, a dram-like oylinder | four-ounce | schrapael | steel, inclosing 2300 bulleta. As the bursts the flying on, the spinning of the shell caused by the rifled grooves of the gun spreading them out over a large area. shell is used it is charged with powder, which enusos it to explode and seatter its pieces with great destruction. BOON ax bullets go English Law to Accide ats, The term ‘“‘sccident” would appess to be easily defined, but the late Lord Chief Justico Cockburn thought not, and on several occasions insurance | companies have sought a definition in | bnilding, Professor J. Harvey Biles | the courts of law. It has been decid ed that asunstroke is not an nccident, but that injury to the spine by lifting a heavy weight is one. Even if physi- cal ailments contribute to an seeident it is covered by the policy. The rela tives of a man who, while bathing in shallow water, wns seized with a fit and suffocated sustained their elim, as did those of a man who, when similar ly seized, fell under a train and was killed. Agnin, a person having fallen and dislocated his shonlder wae pat to bed and earelidly nursed, but in less than a mouth ho died of pneumonia, The connection between that complaint nnd a dislocated shoulder f& not at ones visible, but on the ground that tho restlessness and susceptibility to cold produced by the necident ied to the disense which kilied Lim, the rela. tives were held to entitled to elnim, "Tha influence of intoxiosting liquor” has been authoritively defined as “in. fluence toh A ae Shu hance of a man's mind or n t exercine of his faculties,” and injuries rocoived hile ih Shes Sondisious are not covered an rance , bere'y jl poliey. —Cham i | | H 3 weigh i muzzle | | eight inches of iron fastened in a heavy | of | When a | There are entire apartment houses in New York nopolized by If supporting bachelor girls, and are the happie t of their a x they mo Lady Eva Quinup, wife of Captain Wyndham (heir presumptive of the J P J Dunraven), has killed six grown tigers from the frail shelter of a howdah one of A hand velvet has lace over yellow Lemon-yellow seems to be the popular trimming colors of of bl wek costume black garniture satin, The women of Belginm and Holland are noted for their suowy linen ; they attain this desired result by the use of borax, a handful to ten gallons of some | water, Cups with silver mounts carry all before them. Very chaste are the pure white china cups, slipped into two silver bands, to which the silver handle is attached. The University of Chicago puts wo- { men on the same basis as men, whether students or teachers. Its History and vr weno Ora ns rwoor tires women on its list of officers The sccordion-plaited idea is in full force. Blouses, skirts and even flounces are crimped in plaits of varving fineness, Some of them seem to be little more than of wrinkles Mra. Augusta C. Hagen, delphia, conducts, jointly with her husband, a real estate business it Philadelphia. Bhe takes entire charge of the office during hisabsence. Mra has sppointed notary sleeves, f Mass of Phila Hagen been | public A lovely evening dress shows the re turn to fashion of the costly lumine gauze, which displays a more or less wide stripe of metal foil, giving an ef- feet which, Ly gaslight, candle or | electric light, is extremely brilliant, even too brilliant for those whose taste Is quiet, | Poems over the signature of “Annie | Fields,” which appear in the leading magazines, are written by the widow f the well-known publisher, James T Fields. Mrs. Fields lives in Boston, where she is well known for her zeal in all kinds of philanthropic work, specially in the remims of organized | charity, or the Associated Charities. — KNOWLEDGE Brings comfort and improvement and tends to wial nda alapti of the value to be cleansing the system, ling eo} Yer tackes and fever permanen It has rept Reet Ta 3 oa met with the approval of the i it acts on ii 1 i 5 A London laundry is owned and | + The dowager Queen of Portugal is | | probably the best dressed woman in Ldn the. lobby of ope o N EVERY Re. ceipt that calls for baking powder use the “Royal.” It will make the food lighter, sweeter, of finer flavor, more digestible a wholesome. nd “We recommend the Royal Baking Powder as superior to all others."— United Cooks and Pastry Cooks’ Associ- ation of the Uniled Stat ae An Operation for Bullet in the Eye, | Our Paris correspondent describes a clever operation by the eminent French surgeon, Dr. Pean. A little | girl four and a half years old was playing, on the 14th of July last, near her father while he pistol. I'he firearm went off and a ball, striking the child ele the eve, lodged in the skull, to the floor, The hought to be destroyed. lay % su bse (1 ntly was cleaning a loaded Ie tc! She fell WHE For some suffered from | fever and pain around the eve At the Troussean Hospital, where tik September to be , And 3 KO TIRE LORE eye she n epilepsy to the as ut woun«a last “he Was being #o the attendant On the 24th of ued by Ir ins the ii5 Li ) } Calne 1 He decide 0 trepan the In operating he OH hed nearly half amaedd a de i us wined When it wel was nll cleared ont ed, the PRs septic hauid, the | flesh sewed uj } Mil Tein Was shied] bone replaced, over it. Next day the chiia was bright with an ant id the In a few days she was quite well, and it is now found thet no in jury whatever was done to the eve, which has recovered the normal visual London Daily News, Hr ————— Search the Patent Offles, somewhat amusing to see how a sub- and gay power, It is often an inventor will pursue ject that hes been exhausted. One of the shrewdest of this class very cautiously told a friend while sitting den had “struck hotels uptown that he ! something, and, in fact, t.wasa d¢ vice really needed in our civilizstion The friend smiled and “My | boy, 1 supposedly invented the same identical thing fifteen years ago. he fore 1 took out a patent I bad the Patent Office searched and the reply | wme back Your device is old; was | mvented ten The Patent Mlice ought always to be searched be ore big fees sre rolled up, Hard ware, on — It is estimated that the world’s en cumbers are worth $8 000,000 annn ally to the gardeners who raise them, and twice that sum to the doctors and druggists said Years ago. COLCHES ARE TH 3 el o Especially for Farmers, Miners, R. R. Hands and others. EXTRA WEARING Rubber Boot wearers testify this is the down to the heel, YOUR DEALER FORTH i | de cs. . — on Joa : oi A Queer Rainbow Superstition, The Kurde and Armenians, whose many folklore stories and tales of su- perstitions fancies far exceed those of the gypsies, have some rainbow be- liefs which are, perha; not dupli- eated in the popular notion { any others among the races of 1 Ley Loot at the idea of its unkind. a beilag | wittiess to God's covena®tt with Man earth will ordeal of flo made for the « Xpres letting the first ma from: heaven, th ened to one end ted band, the woman at The end of Kurds, that the the Was Dr Hore 1 } i, BRO ded ndergo ¢ that 1t of time, will be ushered PEeATrance fee of four rain} at the zenith, passageways for G St. Louis Republie CTOs A promi commends suffering humanity « covery” builds up the flesh when reduced bejow DYSPEPSIA AKD CEKERAL DEBILITY. Rev. A. H. MN . Pos (odes ER I tut x S——— snd getaral wnd haviay tr or no benefit, I resolv. od, 58 a last resort wo consult your special iets at the Worlds Dispon- sary. Being advised b them to use Dr, Plerec’s Golden Medical Die~ covery, T did so, and after Using several Bot. ties, 1 fowl entirey pe~ stored to bealth Now, 1 take great plessure ur edicinos to sullering Te, torgid bi Rev. &. H. Mavs in recommending y humanity everyw a at FRIEND” MAKES CHILD BIRTH EASY, Colvin, La, Dec. 2, 1886. My wife used MOTHER'S FRIEND before her third sonfinement, and says she would not be without it for hundreds of dollars DOCK MILLS, oe, $1.50 Book * To th re of rice. § 3m boa BRADFIELD REQULATGR CO. OR BALE BY AL DRUG TS, ATLANTA, GM Sent by ex; 00TS A at 1 BEST and . . Double sole extendin UAILITY Thousands of EST they ever had. ASK and don't be persuaded into an inferfor article A — —— One bottle for fifteen cents, Twelve bottles for one dollar, by mail. R:]-P- A*N-S DOD Ripans Tabules are the most effective rec. ever prescribed b y a physician for any i ie of the stomach, liver or bowels. Buy of any douggist anywhere, THE RIFANS CHEMICAL COMPANY, or send price to 10 Sauce Sr. Now Yoex, “To Save Time is to Lengthen Life.” Do You Valus Life? Then Use SAPOLIO
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers