AA —— Stopped off at Niagara Falls. A man, seemingly about sixty years of nye, was telling the people in the waiting rooms at the Third street des pot yesterduy that he had been East w old Massachusetts to see hie sisters, and that on the way back he stopped off ut Nisgara Falls. ‘That's a place I never saw,’ re- ww ked a woman witha poke bonnet on, ‘You dido’t! Well, you missed the awfullest sight on earth! I was jest stunned.’ ; ‘What is it like?’ she asked. ‘Well, there's a river, and the falls, and lots of hotels, and several Injune, and the bridle veil, and land only koows what else. If my old woman had been along she'd have wilted right down.’ ‘There's water there, I suppose ’ ‘O, heaps of it! It pours, and thunders sud roars and foams and and humps around in the terriblest manner. You have bit on a shirt but- wn in u piece of pie, haven't you? *No, sir. Well, the feeling was about the ssme—kinder shivery. Why, the big- gest man that ever lived aint half as big as Niagara Falls. Let him stand thar and see that ’ere water tumbling over them 'ere rocks and he cant help but feel what a miserable hoss fly he is. You've fallen out of bed, haven't The events in Wall street called up an ‘oxberence’ story thet may be old, but is not quite decayed yet, anyway, ‘So,’ said a business man to a German acquaintance, ‘I hear you are going into partnership with Steinhoofer.’ ‘Yaw, we make some bartnership.’ ‘Do big business, eh ‘Vhell, I guess we do some bisness mit de bartnership pooty quick.’ ‘Are you putting in much money ‘My vrendt, I don’t haf any mon- ey.’ ‘Oh! Then what do you putin? ‘Vhell, I put in oxberence.’ ‘Ah! Face. And Steinhoofer puts in the money. That's nice for you.’ ‘Oxactly. BSteinhoofer puts in der money und I puts in der oxberence.’ ‘How long will the partnership last? ‘Mebbe five years ; we don't fix der time yet, but dot vhas all righd.’ ‘Going to keep a saloon, eh ‘Yaw, we keep a saloon.’ ‘Well, I hope you'll make money.’ ‘My vrendt, ven der barduership goes out I oxbect to baf all der money.’ ‘And how about Steinhoofer ‘Vhell, Steinhoofer will be all righd, too : he will hef der oxberence like me.’ The exchange of money for experi. A Wonderful Preserver. Mr. Runaround was out late the other night, and the next morning at breakfast in order to “justify” himeslf, he remarked to his wife : “Pet, we have been married twenty years, and you look almost as young now as you did then,” “You have not changed a particle,” she rosponded, sweetly, “Not changed :” he answered, in surprise, remembering his grey locks and ruby nose. “Why how can you say that?” “Because things preserved in alco. hol never change,” she answered, Mr. R. buttered hie napkin-ring un der the impression that it was a muf- fin, and the meal progressed in si lence, ‘Look here,” sid a grocerykeeper to a hillside farmer in Kentucky, ‘you owe me $20 and I want my money.’ ‘Hain't got & durned cent, Mister,’ was the confident answer, ‘Well, I will swoop down on your miserable little garden patch and take it out of what you owe.’ ‘Well, swoop away, I hain't got nuthin’ thar ats woff & dang.’ ‘You have a cow, haven't you, and three or four pigs and a mule ¥ ‘Yes, there's the framework of a cow, and them pigs looks like a pork ence in the last couple of weeks has been simply enormous. you ?' ‘No, sir.’ ‘Well, it's about the same thing,you | wake up and find yourself on the floor, | and you feel as if you had stealin’ sheep or robbin’ blind men.’ ‘What portion of the falls did you been | most admire,’ she asked. ‘The water, mum,” he promptly re- plied. ‘If you'd put 10,000 kegs of | beer on the roof of this building and! set them all running they couldn't be- | gin with Niagara. It's the terriblest, | appallingest thing ever patented. las the barber removed the ki : Aa ‘Cost you much,’ inquired a gestle- | ® the barber removed the napkiu | thing about that accident man. “Bout sixty-five cents. It's pooty | tight times, ond sixty-five cents don't grow on every bush, but I ain’t sorry. It's sunthin to talk about for twenty years io come. There's a chap in our town who used to travel with a circus, but he'll have to take a back seat when I git home. Flip-floppin’ around in a circus don’t begin with Niagara Falls’ ‘So on the whole you were pleased, eh ¥ ‘Pleased! Why, I was tickled half to death. I tell you if I had one on wy farm I wouldn't sell it for no 850 eash. I've looked into a field whar 750 fat hogs was waitin’ to be sold for solid money, but it was no sich sight as the falls. I've seen barns afire and eight horses runnin’ away, and the ‘Wabash river on a tear, but for down- right appalling grandeur of the terri blest kind gim me one look at the faiic. You all orter go thar. You can’t balf appreciate it ‘till you've gazed on the rumpus.’ dann cin Clase in history called up. Teacher—*“Where did the Irish or- iginatel”’ ' Precocious Paragrapher—*“Iu Pata- gonis, to be sure.” T.—~“What is the coldest country in the world ?” P. A.—Chili.” T.~*Where are the asses from .” P. P.—*“Brazil.” T.~*In what people do you find the most eagerness of character P. P.—"In the people of Zealand.” T.~*You ean go now and study his tory as Mark Twain has written it in the ‘Pauper and Prince.’ ” “Did the remains indicate in any way that the man died hard ?' asked the coroner. “Yes, sir.” “You noted sigs of a struggle, did yoo—something tending to show that the poor fellow defended himself?” “No, sir.” “What reason, then, have you for thinking that the man died hard ?” “Because when I fund him he was frann wold “I have been going around all day fin {erator to take off a shilling’s worth w -> Ine ! A fellow who came by the railroad, | being a stranger. strolled about some time on the outskirts of a town | He finally for | search of a barber. { discovered one and requested the op- Th : neatiy, trim md d his | soaped up the re of hair. barber 1 IOCKS very mainder very handsomely, and then combed and brushed him until bis | head looked as if it be longed other person than himself, 1 a {0 some- | L A re y we,” asked the stranger, ¥ Tr i | irom his neck. : “Yes sir,’ caid the barber, with a! ! polite bow. sn Buffalo, | barrel with the staves kicked outen them, and the mule's #0 thin the buz zards turn (heir noses up at him.’ ‘Well, [ wou't be hard on you but I'm bound to have something. What can you spare best 7 a mionit. Thar'’s the and them pigs and the mule— ‘Temme see Cow and—the old woman. You jes’ ser’ around an’ git the ole woman, A man in my fix ain't got no use for sich a lugshury as a wife, no how.’ a — Scene in a train dispateher’s office Euter coroner. Coroner—'"Can tell you me any: on Your road ¥' Train dispatcher—* What accident? ‘Why, the accident on your road ‘Are you certain that you took off | where a number of people have been | a shilling’s worth ¥ ‘I don’t know you, sir,’ remarked | Dr. Podger, as he attempted to shut the door in his visitor's face. ‘Don’t know me? That's queer. I've dove a great deal of work for you, doctor.’ ‘You are mistaken, sir. mployed you in my life.’ ‘That may be so, but still I have worked for you for a great many years. ‘What is yoor business ‘I'm Brown, the undertaker.’ I never A boy, apparently very much agi. tated, rushed into a house recently and and said to the lady : ‘I don,t want ter alarm yer, but I've got big news. The man sent me up from the livery stable to tell yer.’ Good heavens, what is it? ‘Why yer know yer little boy, Jim, what the man can’t keep outen the livery stable "round the corner ? Yes, well? ‘I told Jim just now not to go infer the stable among the hoses, but he wouldn't mind me—' ‘Oh, dear, what has happened!’ ‘He said he wanted to see what a mule would do when you tickled his heels with a straw.’ ‘Oh, heavens,’ gasped the lady, and clung to the mantel for support. ‘Well sir, your boy Jim got a straw, snuck op behind a sorrel male, tickled him on the heels, an’—' The lady started for the door, , *An’ the blamed critter never lifted 8 hoof, called the boy. ‘Never as much as switched his tail. It's a mighty good thing for Jim that he didn’t too ; an’ I thought I'd come up and tell yer! And be dodged out at the side entrance, Mrs. Tempernnce—'The weather is #0 warm I thought a little lemonade would be refreshing. Won't you have some, Mr, Idler? Mr. Idler—Thaoks; no. I must confess I do not care for plain Jemon- ade. 1 don't think it agrees with me.’ ‘Won't you please tell me how you like it and let me mix you some! ‘Well, the fact is, I only like it with a stick in ie! ‘A stick 7 i killed and several injured. ‘I kuow of po accident.’ ‘Well, that's queer ot account of some smash-up.’ “There is nothing of the kind that I | know of. Who are you ‘Why I'm the coroner, and—' Ah! That makes a difference. 1 | thought you were some kind of a news- | paper man. Yes—' and theo the dis patcher, who had heard nothing about the accident, gave the full particulars, and the coroner is sent to the scene of the wreck. I was sent for Baker—*“Yes, mum ; I now put my pame on wy bread to prevent my ri- vals from imitating my loaves and get. ting my custom.” Housekecper—"A wise precaution. | But was that bread you left here yes terday genuine “Ob, yes, mum.” “Then I would suggest that you add | something beside your name to the loaves.” “Certainly, mum, if you say so What is it?” “The date.” ‘Yes, sir, there's a glass, you can ook for yourself’ ‘Well,’ said the stranger, if you think you bave a shilling's worth off I don’t know as I have any use for it, and I haven't got no change, so you may just take the hair for your trouble.’ On hearing this the barber made a jump for the man, whereupon he made a jump for the door, which not being bolted, he bolted himeeif, ‘Did you read those horrible stories of the Arctic sufferers living off of each other ?" asked Mrs. Lumly of her husband. ‘Yes, I read all the particulars,’ ‘Dreadful, isn't it? ‘Oh, its nothing when you get used to having people live off of you. I used to kick when your mother and your sister and all the rest of them came to live off of me; but I've got #0 used to it that I never complain.’ ‘Please help the blind, pleaded a beggar, who had a little dog with him ‘Yes, but pray do not self. ‘ ‘Oh, no trouble at ! Yu Ori l. ‘You are an early riser, are you, said Mrs, Brown to Mrs. Jones. ‘No, the reason is I cannot wake up Jobn before noon. I have tried the clock alarm, blank cartridges aod bell-ringing, but he sleeps like a dead man.’ ‘You ought te try the plas I uss on my husband,’ said Mrs, Brown, ‘How is that ¥ ‘Pull a cork out of a beer bottle and he will spring right out on the floor.” ‘You remember John Parley, my dear,’ be inquired. ‘Perfectly,’ she replied. ‘What o him? ‘He married last June and now he's dead.’ “That is strecge. Well, some men never can stand prosperity.’ ‘You don’t understand me, I guess. I said he was married last June.’ ‘Say, I'd like you to call around | and settle that account.’ ‘What account? ‘Why yours.’ ‘Is it mine ?” ‘Yes, it's yours.’ ‘Well then, if it’s mine I'll settle it when I please.’ —— A A ——— Passenger—'Here, porter, take this thing away.’ ‘Bleeping car porter—'Why, sah, that's a pillow.’ ‘A pillow! This little thing ¥ ‘Why, yes sah. What did "spect it was?’ ‘I thought it was a praltice,, Attention, Veterans ! 230 250 G.-A. SUITS JUST RECEIVED, you Workmanship the best. Fits Perfect. THESE ARE THE REGU- LATION SUITS. Double Sets of Buttons Fur- nished Free. AT THE OLD ESTABLISHED ETAND OF S.& A LOEB ~THE— National Life Insurance CO., or MONTPELIER, Vr. Incorporated in 1848, Assets 83 000, Surplus $1,050,000, $1000 Bonds sold on yearly instal. ments, bonds are payable to the holder at the expiration of 20 years or at previous or a stipulated amount ps able in cash at the end of any year after the first, on their sur. RIL NCEMALLY, Spit Ag, BELLEFONTE, PA. Groceries, a Jowett pr BYRUPS~Good bargain in all grades. MOLASSES. Finest Now Orleans at 80c per gallon. COFFEES. — Vine sesoriment of Cofiens, both gresn and rossted, Our rosstod Coffees are always fresh, TOBACOOS, All the new aud desirable Urands, CIGARS. Special attention given to our cigar trade We bry 10 well the best 2for Gc sud Oc cigers in wi. TEAS Young Hyson, #0c, 0c, $1 per pound. Twper- inl, 80c, Moc, 81 per pound, Sanprany’ ie, sor, $1 per pound. Oolong, S0c, Soc, §1 per pound, Mixed Kroes and black, Gia, Koc, $1 per pound A very fins uncolored Japan ten. Also, & good bargain in Young Hysou at 40: por pound, CHEESE. Finest full cream cheese at 16 per pound VINEGAR Pure old elder vinegar made from whole cider, One gallon of this goods is worth more than two gallons of common vinegar, a. SECHLER & CO,, Grocers, Bush House Block, Bellefonte, Pa, SECHLER & CO. Provisions, FOREIGN FRUITS And CONFECTIONERY. MEAT MARKET in Connection SUGA Nee Srsnuiated Sugar Scan pound All other STONEWARE 1s all des of 81] the ) bewt quality ot Akson the lightning jar sod you will not them In pilots, quarts spd Laif . Bhoulders, a . ried Beef. Naked and vassed, We guaranties every place of mest we sr BECHLER & 00. GROCERS & wuay MARKEY, Bush House Block, Belletonte, Pa. No party in politics, ner any sect in religion THEGREATEST AND THE BEST, ] THE LARGE DOUBLE WEEKLY | BELIGIOUS AND SNCULAR i | NEW YORK OBSERVER Established 1823. nie 1% EXPERIENCES my ARD are oF Kross Dr. Lresenus P Hands wt ra or thelr work nas " 3 NEWSP,. at ad YY - 24 —_— PER. sent portrait of the author t ; § raining all the tents events, and a he pe w ins SCREENER we give gle inex ees Lavon pages, containing a . ‘ sek Addroms, New York Observer. sl & 32 Park Row, N, ud J 'AINTING and PAPER HANGING, | WORKMANSHIP THE BRET | | PRICES THE LOWEST ] PROMPTNESS AND DISPATORN, pe eed ‘WILLIAMS & BRO, DEALERS IN WALL PAPER PAINTS, &C. | HIGH 8t bet Spring & Water, Bellefonte | War take thie method of informing everybody Tot. That we have In stock the Largest and Best | selection of Wall Paper outside of Philadelphia or New York, viz: Solid Golds, Bmbossed Bronses, | Micas, Fate, Rating, Blacks and Browse. Beautiful | Borders in Great Variety, | 34° Thet we have J received from New York | Fred Beck's New Book of Oslling Designs. We oun | furnish and put up as Bae and elaborate Ceiling Deo. | orations se are put up anywhere. | 34. That we fovite all who intend ring to call | and ser our line of goods before ng elsewhere th. We have in our employ fretclom paper han g- ors and painters, and are prepared 10 take jobs of | PAINTING, GRAINING. BION WRITING, i and PAPER HANGING, ] Large or small, and complete the work with nestoess i and 4 hb. ] BF Trade from the country solicited i ¥. | | 1332 WILLIAMS & BROTHER. | 3 ADVICE TO MOTHERS. | Are you disturbed at night and broken of your est by a sick child suffering and crying with pats of cat : | ting teeth? If so, send st once and get & bottle of | Mea Winston's Soorsins Synrr son Omionew | Teermiwe, 1a valoe i» incaleniable. It will relieve the poor litte vafforer Immediately, nd upon it | mot , there is no bist oke about i. It oures dye eatery and diarrhom, reg dates the stomach and bow. | | ols, cures wind colic, softens the gums, reduces in | | Bammation and gives tobe and energy 10 the whole, | | ywtom. Mas. Winnow's Scoraive Stnor ror Caine. | Arn TaerZino is pleasant to the taste, and Is the pre soription of ste «the oldest and Lest female physi. clans nod ners. or United States, and is for sale by all droggist tre world. Price 25 conta a bottle, bray | SALESMEN oir ee orassensat Stock. A spledid line of new Specialities, Good wages, | and steady employment given to reliable energetic men. Write far terme 10 EK. B. Reomansson & Op A Suxnos Laxe Nvnssnies, Oexava, N, ¥ HOW TO USE BAUGH'’S FERTILIZERS. Any farmer who sends us his name and” address will receive, by the next mail, our circulars fring Soniye of our different brands of RAW BONE MAN URES and directions How to use them. . un THE wine Tweniy-five Dollar PHOSPHATE. Manufactured only b has given such satisfaction. that it a ah th high in the estimation of farmers as articles that cost much more To fact It} FORKS HOUSE Coburn, Centre Co., Pa. GOOD MEALS, CLEAN B EDA. PRICES MODERATE. HOTEL WITHIN TWO MIN UTES’ WALK TO STATI IN. Good Stable Ae ' affirms Excellent Hunting and Fish quite near 1} { | iis Hotel, JOS, KLECKNER - Prop'r. STUDIO, 2nd floor Bush Arcade, ¥ ng grounds I { & wnids of PAINTING, Such as PORTRAITS in oil, LAND y SIGN and ORNAMEN. « FANCY DECORA TING and GRAININ o i SPECIALITY. Satisfaction guarasteed in gli cases, I would be pleased tn have You call, and examine specimens of work, In- siruciioss gives in Painting, Very ResprcreoLyy, C. P. Iilder, — Quick Railway Time, Rockford, I., Jan. 1880, This is to certify that we have appointed Feank P. Blair, sole agent for the sale of our Quick Train Railroad Watches in the ten | W Bellefoute, Rockrorp Waren Couraxy. 2 BY HOSMER P, HULLAND, Sec. aving most tho hly tested the Rockford Quick Train athe for the last three years, [ offer them with the fullest confidence as the best made and most reliable time keeper fort money that can be obtained, pe he Ifully guarantee every Wateh for ts years. FRANK P. PLATE No. 2 Brockerhoff Row, Allother American Watches at reduced prices, . Digurox, Jan, 27,1 The Rockford watch parchel ob. 1879, has performed better than an Watch | ever had. Have carried every day and at oo time has it irregular, cheerfully Watch, 13 : been or in the least unreliable, ! recommend the Rockford HORACE B. HORTON, st Dighton Furnace Co. Tavxtox, Sept, 18, 1881. The Rockford Watch ip v sc | carately ; better than any watch | ever owned, and I bave bad one that $150. Can recommond the Rockford Watch to everybody who wishes a fine timek 8. P. HUBBARD, MX. D. This is to certify that the Rockford Wateh bought F . 22, 1879, has run very well tbe past year, Having set is Suly twice during that time, is only variation being three minutes. It has fn vers ah better than | ever an. + AL was vo! adjusted and on cost $20, R- P. BRYANT, » Hwom Sr, ¥ext poor 10 Brezgn's : ‘Mear Marker, Is prepared to do all kinds of Faney snd Heavy Harness Making at Reasonable Prices and 4, «
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers