1 .M'JPI D J" 7V P..- K-H rr v f-y v LCTrvwrv-? so- -" ai 1-HF I ' r tV i- a - ' 1 r- r - -' u. -j. .i --. Jt - '7 -v k.sT,.- -ill j it4 v i ' r .. . .. A K PUBLIC LEDGEi-PHILADELPHIA, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 192() 17 ti, v j- -1 ' .TpTK ' '' Jf 1,1 7 ' J' There's No Base Like Home By H. C. WITWER . ,-.. (i.!N FWenif Jon about uZZtna Yhi "aft. of KngUth tpeaktno HThMlomini litter. Installments !&m it. S.WUwtr'a latest success (imoebrfnted dal. , ciA.PTn vi THE FBBI2DOSI OF TIIK 8IIKB Blxth Innln Hrol8ay to Jeanno, well I BUcm V win write n lef ip-joo, nwi and ih wlreles her ithoulders' and says SffiitowSment (jonor which U short for "0 It" in French, Joe, so here I m toy n with the Identical Implements which put Shakespeare over,-or In the other word's pen. inlt and paper. T hftvo JubI corao irom imi "" ,nii. Mnn .Inn. nml nut f 2 pSlbie 100 points I hit .45 which fS pbad for the -first time up, hoy? ?'om now nulto a authority on parsfn nmi t cati tail a noun . mites away b? the scent alone If neSd be Also, I am as Intimately ac tinted with the construction of sen fences as any ye which over found himself face to fnco with a Jury. joe I nm takln this grammar and . internally In order to pleosp my S&rmant wife, Jeanne, which clalma I SXktto native's lonrue like I had fi it up on the outskirts of Norway Sr the like. I am forced, top through S lotta novels every day byUho namo of 2u!niiri Third ncador" and etc. and conf off a lotta ridiculously stuff like, "I Info little pussy Its coat Is bo warm and If I don't blto icr He'll do me no harm I" Can you Imagine a grown up o.iiilt llko mo wll n away tlmo on that C inda dclerloUB tromchs? Then they Is 0 he? bound volumes which I gotta wide IhrouKh and which Baya on page- 1. "Find tho verb In the following sen tence le. 'A Hed Turnip.'" Well. It's all In tho lifetime Joe. and if it elves Jeanno nny Innocent pleasure to navo mc do this I might aB well go hroUKh with It and by the time I get released from this here night's school I nm a habltuo of I will no doubt be able U ? speak the king's Kngllsh to tho nuecn's taste and In that case I can nrob'ly get a Job at clerical work on he payroll of some guy which thinks adverbs Is the name or a religion. No doubt you wilt be wonderln' how r come out .with Jeanne after that battle 1 cot Into with her on account of me brlngln' the humbly butler to her cos tume's ball and palrln' him ort with Mrs. Heilges-Plympton, tho high socloty lender, like I told you In my last letter. Well, I como out better than Germany did, anyways, Joe, on account of Jeanne l,cln' French and the French beln' a nation of business people, besides beln' romantlcal. Us doughboys found that part of It out when wo went over there to sae 'em from the terrible Hun be cause when It come to chargln", Joe; they was nobody could beat the French whothcr It was over the top or over the counter! nut that's neither Here and there, the Idea Is that Jeanne was forced to make up with me on account of us gotn' to be heroes In the'movln' pictures like I 'have repeatedly told you. As we are under a lease to a company for Ave years and they Is benucpup pennies nt the stake, a man's wlfo would be Billy to present lilm with tho cold's shoulder when we gotta work together In order to get this jack. In a union they Is strikes, as the guy says, hey, Joe? So now nil Is peace and quiet In the Inside of Harmony Hall, except maybe when my baby, which same Is gettln' teeth faster than he'll ever get dollars, walls aloud Into the night's air and then I 'have to get up from my.downy's bed and wander hlthera and yon around the castle with him, tho while hummln' sweet lull and buys like, "Go to sleep you little boob, wo are llvln' In the midst of millionaires and etc. now and can't punish the neighbors like when we dwelled In a flat!" Don't think that this here armistice was brung about with the easo of fallln' off the log, Joe, becauso It was far be It from such. I put In a week at soli tary's confinement In our mutual home without sceln nobody but grocory boys and etc. and you gotta hand It to them guys at that, Joe, because they deliver the goods, oven It they gotta go around to the servant's entrance to do the same. Vcll, after seven days without even a merely glimpse at tho girl I lmvo gave my heart rind hand to, Joe, or tho magnificent young Infant baby which lian blessed my union, thlsh2ro business of beln' treated like Lhad small's pox or was accused of beln the crown orlnco from Germany, begin to get on my nerves. I sent Jeanno a cellar full of notes by tho via of her maid at arms, Marie, any one of which would of melt the heart of a loan shark and I nm not even presented with the courtesy (of a mrcastlcnl answer. Accordln' to the re ports which reaches me, Jeanne has sud denly became the namo as a guy comln' to bat for tho Athletics sho la always out! Well, Joe, you know they, Is nobody on the earth can mako the Tool outa mo iu bi away wun it, as U gross or peo. Pie has found out. so after thtnkln' oyer the thing carefully and in cold uiuyu, como to the conclusions that 1 nau maae a three-base error when V turned over my future hairolncss to Jeanne. Although my heart was broke in half In a dozen places as the result pr the way she had turned on the hand that fed her, you might say, I decided to show her orite and for all I was not tho one to be .trifled with, so with that I made up my mind 'to go down town and got a divorce and bo dono with it! On the way out, Joe, I left a little sadly note on the table In the 'parlor right In front of tho pier glass, because Jeanno always stnnds there and takes a long, llngerln' look at herself when goln' out or the contrary and I knowed sho would peo lti , This here's what I wrote and I leave It to your Judgement If It wouldn't melt the heart of a wild beast: Dear Mrs. Harmon: Stnco flndln' you around this houso has became tho same as tracln' a ne'edlo In the haystack, I have decided that your love for mo has Joined the aviation corps.,, Therefore and to wit, I am this day goln' to a lawyer and get my uncon ditional release from the bounds of wed lock, or In tho other words, a divorce. An ooon bb I get the same, wll advise you. You have broko my heart and ruined mo and It, seems them society pals of yours Is more Important than your legally husband which has woro his head to tho bone tryln' to think out new and novel wnyB to please you. I gave up baseball on' your account and you would never of been a movlo star was It not for beln' my wlfo as you wilt see by tho advertisin' that my name's In bigger letters than yours. I am sick and tired of beln turned Into a parlor pet and a Jazz hound. They will be no more of them parties gave in my house and you can present my dress suit to tho Knights from Columbus or to Ablo Low onstcln, which Is secretary of the down town Young Men's Christian Association and no doubt they can use It for uome of tho worthy poor. Whilst you are read In' this, I will be gettln' a dlvorco nnd If you will call me at Orcclev 64763 I will be glad to get one for you whilst i am ic Your comln' ex-husband, ED. HARMON (I was good enough when you met me In France, hey?) P.S. I have throwed my English cram- mar Into tho ash can and hereafter I, win iaiK iikq i picture i Well. Joo, after havln' dashed that off and left It where it would catch Jeanne's beautifully eyes. I copied off tho names of a dozen choice lawyers from the phone book nnd went outside whero the car Is standln' with tho chauf feur slttln' back at his case' readln' a paper, like he wnB the proprietor of tho bus Instead of me. Joe, he glances at mo like he had nover seen ne before in his life and what of It "Drive me Into New York!',' I says. "C'mon now, mako It snappy!" "Very sorry, Mr," ho says, as cold as January 10 In Alaska, "but my orders Is to wait here 'til 6 o'clock!" Joe, with that ho let forth what Is knowed ns a yawn nnd turnln' over a pago of the pnper, ho goes on readln' society tidbits and tho etc For all the attention he showered on me, I could of been In lei us say Russia, for tho ex ample. Here I am 'payln' this trafflo cops' delight forty berries tho week, Joe, nnd he Is better dressed than I am and pullln' the airs of a freshly made second lieutenant on me. Joe, stnco I am learn In' to be a gentleman I know Just the proper air of quiet dignity to use with a unruly servant, so I leaped on the runnln' board and yelled Into his ear. "You dizzy simp, you'll be sorrier than a formerly bartender In a minute If you don't step on that gas and roll me away from here ! I'm the baby that pulls you off every week and I'm likewise gov ernor general of this house .and all tho Inmates. Who give you them orders to wait, hey?" Joe, ho never even flicked the eyebrow. "The boss," ho says. "Mrs, Harmon, sir!" Can you Imagine that, Joe? The boss! You'd think I was a merely hired man or the like around my magnificent coun try's estate, whereas on tho other hand I am really the lord and master. Well, I had to steD away from the car before my feelin's got the best of me, becauso I was afraid I would slam this bird in the noso iust to set the example to tho pther menials which had gone over to an lln .Tnn a1.l4itA ama a wa in likewise made me n. nresent of a briefly glance. Speakln' of that glance, for the nm time In my life I knowed what a stale egg' feels1 flfte when the guv which had mistakenly figured on devourin It, faxes at it , "I cannot disturb Mrsnarmon," she says. She gave me strict orders to " Joe get that I Another mutineer, hey7 I waved my arms and shut her off, gettln madder with each fleetln' second. Harmon's ordersV I hoTlers" -It looks &" tru. a baynet Is the same as car- to me li Ke she'd mixed up with more "u ." jerry. tiitvin (pa wiui A lyirango Buy iiojr And I ain't even kidded as much as a amlablo manicure girl since mo and Jeanno has been wed, I been so faith ful It must of been slckenln' and all the For a coupla mlntitea I Just flood there like, a sturdily onk swayln' from the, nldo In a topical storm on the desert, . l caught ti flash At myself In the pier glass right at tho height of my rage and Joe, I nover looked more handsome (My clothes Is all tailor made now) though of course at the time I wasn't even thtnkln' of that part of It. I never felt as bad as this before, Joe, except the first time I was requested to go out In No Man's Land and And out for myself orders today than Sears &.Roebudk ever seen. Might I be so bold, as to ask what's she's dotn'7" Marie give a sniff, but after a min ute she decided to take a chance and turn state's evidence. "Sho'B entertaining at tea, sir," she says. irWell,f I says. "Hee If you can steer her away from them other dames and tell her 1 am leavtn' here nnd must see her at once on a matter of life and death l" "There are no .other ladles present, sir," remarks Marie, with a odd grin. no, omer iaaiesf- i says in aoso- nmazement. "Then who the lutely wSat 'A Mister Carntalrn. ntr." navn Marin. and then they's a bell ring somewheres and letttn' drop a courtesy, as tho HAVIn' Is. she beats It .Inavln' me nale .and tremblln' with surprise, rage, pain, excitement and In the hands of .the green eye demon Jealousy. Joo, I know you have prob'ly no doubt dropped this letter arid tot out a startlln' gasp when you read this, so I will wait til you recover. well, of course tho first thlrig I want rr to do was to rush rleht In and com mence slaylh to the right and left. I. even thougnt ror a second or cainn' up a coupla marines I know and makln' a clean Job of It Joe, can you Imagine Jeanne beln' at tho- odds with me and then havln' tea with a strange guy tight In my own house? My Uawdl hey, Joe? Well, to get away from this enjoyable subject, I fin'ly staggered down tho steps of my formerly happy home and wend my way over to the railroad station In a heartbroken trance. Tho Idea that Jeanno might cast mo aside In time had never struck me before, I been so busy and eta and I felt like goln' Into the nearest drug store and askln' for a nip of drlnkln' lodlno or tho llko and thus end it nil. Without scarcely knowln what I was doln' I leaped on a train foi New York and I bet all tho passenger did nothln' but wonder who was that tall, handsome, square Jaw young Greek's god which flang himself Intc a seat and gazed neither to the right or left, but out the window at the chewln gum and malted milk signs all tho wn In, the while drummln on the sill with a hugo clench fist. while she was prob'ly playln' with rne line a cat ana a mouse does I Joe, I made up my mind right then and there that I was off- women for life. You know the old sayln', Joe. "Look out for wine, women and song I" They say a woman ain't got no free dom at all and that a man can do what ever he, pleases and get away with It, whilst on the others hand a woman has got to bo as careful In her actions as a tightwad Is with a nickel or the world will slip her the frapped shoulder. Well, I nm convinced that Is 100 proof bunk, Joe, because If reputation was carfare no woman would have to walk home on ac count of losln' It and there's that I Us strongly men which Is supposed to be brutes In disguise would forgive a good looker for dynamltln' the orphan asylum and also give her credit for not doln' more whilst she was at it and you know It. Joe, the average guy .has got to hustle all his life night and day for what a woman can get with a merely pleasant smile at the critical minute, but the thing works out fifty-fifty because some women's smiles Is worth all you hustled for, hey Joe?' Apartments at the St.- James HH8I1' HliiBni m Sovrral apartments ranging from 2 rooms and bath to 6 noma with 5 baths will ba available, on yearly lease from Septcmbor 1st now open for Inspection. Also several one -room -and -bath apartments. The Hotel St. James Is being thoroughly., jeenovated mak ing this always desirable hotel still morp attractive to discriminating patrons. The St. James Hotel Walnut at 13th Street J. Howard Slocum, Manager Joe, that was no less than mo and woe would of betlded anybody wlllch crossed my paths right- then, I'll tell Shantung 1 I have got to go out to., tho foundry A'hero they hammer out these m.ovln' ulctures now, Joe, so I must close. In nqy next postal I will tell you what hap pened after I went downtown and etc. so try and get some steep until thin,1 though-1 know you are crazy with cttement to hear the rest of It , Wlshln' myself the best of luck, Yours truly, ED. HARMON (The New Othello.) , (CONTINUED TOMORROW) Copvrtpht, 1310, Doubtedav, Page f Co,- HOUSECLEANING C A T? DURING OJUJCi AUGUST SAMPLE LAMPS Tbl Lamps, ralue I2U.0O, reduced to tll.OO. Table Xrapt, value $18.00, reduced to 912.00. FLor LamD (Bilk Hhtde), Tilut $23.00, reduced to IT.O. Floor Umpi (Bilk Shade), Ttlue $8B.O0, reduced to 980.00 Floor Lamps (Bilk Shade), " value $42.00, reduced to 933.00. Metal Hoar Latnpa, Ttlue $11.00, reduced to M-OO. Metal Floor I.amp, value $10.00, reduced to 91X00. Metal Floor Lamps, value $16.00, reduced to 910.30. Motal Floor Lamps, value $21.00, reduced to 91040. WM. H. HOSKINS CO. Stitiontri Enfrtvtrt Printers M m'tntii Furnltnre 902 to 906 CHESTNUT0STREET '-''MLa, UaI.j) .til wlK! I the enemy, but In the nick of time I re- centleman never Clouts no servant In public, but Instead lets it go with glvln' the low fellow a sound and dignified reprimand. So I called this guy a few names which he wllV nover have printed on his vlsltin card and then I paced over to the houBo again, determined to get a audience with Jeanne and have the thing over-face to face, once and for all. The first one I run Into Is our mu tual maid, Marie. "Hero!" I says. "Go nnd tell Mrs. Harmon that I wouldst speak with her at once!" I'll say that this hero Marie curls a mummsmsk Rob Burns, the cigar about town " GO where you will, you will find lead ing citizens smoking mild Robt. Burns. The fame of his full Havana filler is in everybody's mouth. It's easy to explain most men like Havana, especially Havana that has been brought by special curing to the topnotch of agreeable mildness. And Robt. Burns' tobacco has. His wrapper is Sumatra leaf, famous for its neutral quality. Most good cigar stores sell Robt. Burns Invincible and Longfellow. Smoke one today. M$k DEPENDABLE CIGARS Distributing Branch 1147 North 4th St., Philadelphia NATIONAL SIZES: 15c and 2 for 25c Hfil 'DJtwv VA.YA.TA.AyVATJCrj:TT SBsrassstzra alaL LLaW The Times Now Demand the PRACTICAL SERVICE Which the Franklin Has Always Given Steady service without troubles or delays ; Unlimited service, free from seasonal restrictions Thorough service, covering most miles per day Enjoyable service comfort over all roads Economical service? saving gasoline, tires and car. 1920 will increase the total number of Franklin owners to over 65,000-an increase of more than 22 since last year. The reason behind this increasing popularity is the growing importance of Franklin standards of performance on account of the times. Practical service, as defined above, has always been the aim of the Franklin. As proof, witness the economy which Franklin owners have enjoyed for eighteen years, and which now averages: 20 miles to the gallon of gasoline 12,500 miles to the set of tires 50, slower yearly depreciation " (National Averages) Te FRAN KLI N - . FRANKLIN MOTOR CAR CO. hi 71 I U C. G. HECK, President 911-13 N. Broad St., Philadelphia, Pa. Immediate Deliveries Bell Phone Poplar 4056-4057 M fr F ? l I - ? UL I EP f DEALERS Sk ScaJA11 ' gggl,- FRANKLIN McKENNA CO. J&r WT JVt TTt-at vut-aici) i u. aaTTBBTar5Saak. pnn,j. XT T fMJSr vJk wWCm LH BPfc""--fc Lam a en, IV. j. jfjTr wlC Norristown, Pa. B kWLkkm. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers