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16
EVENING PUBLIC LEDGER PHILADELPHIA1, THURSDAY, .tANUABT 23, 1919
.
iy
it
us.
Euentng public Hefcgec
I THE EVENINg",TELEGRAPH
V
PUBLIC LEDGER COMPANY
CTHU8 U.K. CUP.TIS. rutiDiST
- . - ... u-Mi.nn'ii, v as. r tniuriiii vnii
John B. Williams, John J Spurtton Directors
nDlTOMAL BOARD
Clin It. K. Ccitii. Chairman
DAVID E. SMILEY Edlter
JOHN C. MAHTIN .general Business Manaacr
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Philidrlphii. IhuriiJa?, Jinuirv ;, lilt
GOOD NEWS 10R THEATREGOERS
rpHE abandonment of the congressional
4 -- plan to double the theatre tax Is some
thing moie than a mere vlctor for the
playhouse managers who have been con
ducting a fight against the proposed lm
poet. Prlmarllj It benefits the public as
a whole, which has been patriotically un
complaining under extraordinary tax bur
dens. The suggested CO per cent extra
charge on theatre tickets, however, would
have unduly penalized a harmless pleasure
which Is, despite "high brow" Jeremiads,
an alleviating Influence In modern rlvlllz.1-
r tion.
There are ns3uredl.v other ways, notable,,
a check tax, by which the mone necessary
to pay tho great war bill of the United
'States may be raised without rendering
the cost of footllght entertainment almost
prohibitive. The twenty cents' additional
charge on a two-dollar ticket has brought
In a goodly revenue and should continue
to do so. It Is possible that tho higher
rate might actually have produced less in
come for the government.
The Kltchlns and their associates may
have realized this, and. they may also
have appreciated at last the need of a
little discretion In the execution of their
formidable task. Kven a needed tax bill
jnajr-exhibit tact, taste and it certain sane
sympathy- Ithout being unprofitable.
Democracy ougTiKto be afe with so
democratic a bod as thaws' 'ting In Tans
- . -
EMANCIPATING THE VEND
rtCHOLARSHIP material rat';er than
J scholars Is obviously the desirt of Co- 1
luraoia university in suDstituung p-.tyaiw
logical or irtelligence tests for the o d
fashioned entrance examinations. The
faculty of the University of Pennsylvania
Is reported to be considering n similar
plan. Its execution would bo ditectlv in
line with the ptevaleni tendencv in modern
education to supp'ant the actual acquis!
tlon of knowledge with the potentiality for
acquiring it.
Facts are hopeicssl nrmtrarv . Thev
embarrass tie brain, solicitously labored
to register 100 per cent in cell noimailty
Kdward Gibbon, confronted by tho modern
college examiner, might we.l tremble did
analysis prove his mental machinery to
have laboied under the slightest pressure
in amassing the store of Information which
he stuffed into the "Decline and Kail." In
hibiting a rr. ml beautifull fallow and as
unburdened with gpeclnr information as
the surf-riding Kanaka, fervent commen
datory honor, might bi hut
Theie are leers todav for spelling learned
word by vvoi-d. geographv lemembered
place bv place anil the dcadl opptctlon
of a historical date. Thousli Is free
cried Caliban, but it real.v wan i in h.s
das, while there weie I'rosyeios Uin
who persisted m learning something
Thought was shackled by the then alleged
netesslty of sulljing it with memorv. The
chains are falling now. How fr.igi'e they
are may be exemplified in cruel request
to the modern child to iook up a word in
the dlctionaiv The alphabet i a willfu'
and trnnmrai arranscment of letters
Why learn u ' Psvchi'- tests look far 1m
ond such outmoded 'patter '
The work of revolting Itovulm mi Ci.r
tugal may b- described us .!an! tabor m
vain
A I1EVI L HI- KII.ILR.'
A WOULD that has been waiting itatiwitlv
for signs of (ontntion in the new Or
many can find a'tle te.-issuranee In th
news that Dr. Frlednch .Naumann is bing
advertised as a. (irob.ib.e first president of
the new republic
Doctor -i urriitnn was a power in lh
University of Berlin and one of the ablest
propagandists of the German superstate,
which, as he saw ir should embodv all of
middle Uurope and dominate the world bv
force, phllosophv and Industilal power In
the books written while German wa at
war. Doctor Naumann exhibited u caiin
assurance of v iclor.v and proceeded to tell
his people what they should do when
France and Kngland h.td been crushed
Wllhelm himself muld hardh have diawn
a madder prturn of the futuie Germany.
Berlin, In the scheme outlined b this
blithe prophet, would rule nil f the contl
nent between the French borders and
Russia, as well as the Balkan territories,
and, while preparing foi further dominion
over the world would guard the expanded
em put not with .foitinVations, but with
deep parallel lines of trenches. Doctor
Naumann wrote brlllluntl.v and was with
out question the most effective of the
many German writers who tirelessly
preached race consciousness to the Ger
man people and hypnotized them with a
-'
i- Mnae of. their Imagined superiorly He
""did aj much as Bernhardt to convince the
Germani that they were destined to rule
over the rest of mankind.
The fact that Naumann should be even
seriously suggested for the presidency of
a new German republic may explain why
bitter nntl-GcrmanUm still Is felt by many
delegates at tho Paris conference.
"INSIDIOUS INFLUENCES"
AGAIN BOB UP AT WASHINGTON
toniIiing Revelations of Corporation
Kept Man Sitting in Hoover-Hurley
Conference Abroad Call for
Explanation
PRESIDENT WILSON, in a statement
to tho public on May '-'G, 1913, called
attention to the existence of it corpora-tion-maintainrcl
lobby in Washington
With n vehemence that effectively rallied
public opinion against these "insidious
influences" and squelched tho "extraor
dinary exertions" of the agents for the
time being. If the President woie in
Washington today it is easy to guess
whnt would bf his al.itude toward tho
amazing revelations before the Senate
Agriculture Committee, showing that a
t rciet agent of meat packing, oil and
other corporations, who for yearn has
posed as a newspaper correspondent,
had actually been taken abroad to par
ticipate in the important conferences of
Chairman Hurley, of the Shipping Board,
and Food Commissioner Hoover. With
out doubt, we venture to believe, Mr,
Wilson would demand an explanation
which would disregard sensibilities and
personal relations and get at the bottom
of as nasty a scandal as ever cropped up
in the national capital.
So far as concerns this particular kept
man of the corporations himself, little'
need be said. That he was able to collect
regular monthly salaries amounting to
$2700 from six different great corpora
tions, while the newspaper which allowed
him to remain at tho head of its Wash
ington bureau assessed his value at $60
a week, affords the measure of his rela
tive usefulness. No doubt he earned his
pieces of silver better in what ho did for
the secret employers than for his news
paper. But the serious part of his confession
is the extent to which it involves Chair
man Hurley, who, he declares, was fully
aware of his secret connections when he
took him abroad last November to assist
in the work of arranging and feeding the
starving peoples of the war-torn coun
tries for whom President Wilson has
asked an appropriation of on hundred
million dollars.
What will Chairman Hurley say to
this ?
If Chairman Hurley had wanted repre
sentatives of the packing, oil or other
large interests to attend his conferences
with Mr., 'Hoover in Europe in order-to
facilitaAe the purchase and shipment of
supplies, he could have arranged to take
thr-m openly and nobody would have felt
mpelled to complain. It would have
been merely a business proposition.
These corporations must furnish the sup
plies since they ate controlling factors in
fie market.
But why should this paid informer
have been selected as an assistant to do
what he admits was largely clerical woik
because he had made a study of shipping
from infotmation collated in the archives
of the Shipping Board when any ordi
narily intelligent cWk could have served
just as well?
And why. if he did not go tn serve tho
interests of his secret employers, did
they continue to pay his exorbitant
monthly retainer? during the many
weeks he was away from Washington?
Big business is not in the habit of
squandering princely salaries in such a
fashion without adequate return. Thete
must have been a quid pio quo or else
pickings are easier in Washington in
tnee days of tremendous expenditures
of the taxpayers' money than the efli-
I ciency experts who seek to prove how
economically great industries are oper
I ated would nave us believe.
The purpo.-e nf the senatorial investi
gation which Inought tn light the facts
may he to prevent the passage of the
$100,000.01'0 appropriation. But it should
not. The justice of th" President's
appeal is a thing apart from such
slimy con wet.-. Mr. Wilson assumes
the responsibility for Us proper expendi-
j ture. and nobody will believe that it has
tne slightest suspicion attaching to it so
far as he i concerned. Indeed, it may
bo as well to have these facts revealed
now o that the 1'iesident will have his
attention dneeted to tho possibilities of
misapplication ami take prompt meas
ures to checkmate them. But theie
should be no attempt at hushing up the
scandal. The President should act and
act without fear of where the conse
quences may do hurt. If Chairman
Hurley was deceived, let this drab lobby
ist be branded with the additional infamy
of liar. If Chairman Hurley knowingly
committed the folly, hi3 usefulness to the
Federal Government is gone. And the
senatorial investigates would perform
h notable service to the people if they
would make the secret employers explain
in detail what they got for their $2700
monthly.
Russian Soviets face a oXim of mor
than tvvn'' on b I'm dollars Simpj an
othn phase of titgn license
SUM PKOSPlXTs FOB MMLE
QI.N'fn 1S70 monaichical restorations have
J been the stuff of di earns rather than
fat ts The Third French Ilepublic had a
perilous start, but despite Bourbons, Or
eanits and Imperialists, the modern dem
ocratic tenilencv couid not be withstood
China ami nraz.il even chaoti'' Russia, and
now npparcntlv Gennan testifv to thi
forco of this political phtlosopliv notwith
standing formidable obstacles. Cosniz-itue
of these facts serves to illumine the pres
ent disturbed situation in Portugal
The jouns lepublK there has had an
uneasy career. Five op six Incipient re
volts In favor of the dethroned Braganza
house have registered discontent, Por
tugal Is not a rich country, educationally.
It Is one of the most backward nations In
Kurope. and thus far there has been sorao
dlflk'ultv In proving to Its Inhabitants that
riddance of it king did not necessarily
guarantee the millennium.
But whatever the weaknesses of the tiew
regime, the bulk of the republic hae suc
ceeded In quelling the uprisings, usually
localized In tho conservative northern prov.
Inces watered bv the Douro. There aro In
dlcatlons that Lisbon, liberal an great ports
always are. Is unsympathetic with tho
latest royalist movement.
If It remains true to form, young Manuel,
apparently far from discontented In his
Kngllsh exile, will not bo returned.
And even If he should como back, hla
rule would probably mark but a passing
phase. Kings once overthrown today havo
a way of belonging to past history.
The progress of Germanv toward a sta
ble government Is being watched with equal
parts of Interest and suspicion.
NEW AIMS 01' LABOR
VTONI3 of the developments at tho Peace
' Conference has more clearly reflected
opposing trends of thought In Europe ntid
in America than tho friction that has de
veloped between the labor forces assem
bling abroad for international councils or
ganized to act under the stimulus of the
gi eater congress at Paris.
Mr. Gompers and the other representa
tives of the American Federation loom
already as the dominant powers for con
servatism. All labor leaders here and
abroad aro committed to a plan for the
Internationalization of trade unionism. But
whose Ideas aro to dominate In this larger
scheme" The British Labor party Is op
posed bitterly to tho Bolshevists, and of
course tho American Federation Is opposed
bitterly to the Bolshevists. But the Jean
lng of almost all European trades union
ists toward socialism has made It Impos
sible for the American representatives to
cooperate fully with the British trades
unionists. Tho American Federation re
fuses to lend Its aid to socialistic propa
ganda There will be a general conferenco at
Berne, at which al' classes of labor will
be represented I2 en Bolshevist delegates
from Austria .,nd Russia will be there.
But the Mitral conference will be held at
Parbi ."mil It Is likely to be conservative.
The tight for leadership In the formation
of an international labor body probably
will be waged between Gompers on the one
hantl and Arthur Henderson, leader of the
seml-soclallst British Iibor partj, on the
other.
Meanwhile the Peace Conference is pre
paring to go to great lengths with a pro
nouncement on the labor situation as It
relates to the whole scheme of modern
civilization. It is generally understood'
that the conference will formally enunciate
a code for the guidance ,of Industry and
Industrial workers.
Apparently the Peace Conference doesn't
intend to make detnlled ordeis for indus
trial regulation, ft will, rather, define
what Is rlslu and what Is wrong in terms
of tho individual and the man he works
for. Some such definition would tend to
give both sides in industrial disputes a
clear conception of their rights und help
largely to avert tho vast economic losses
of periodical labor disturbances.
Said .1. Ocd, n Annour
IteprinK on VV hone to th House Intrr
Ot I finretl state fommrrce Com
mittee. ! the ability
of tne packing industry to function properly
Is Impaired tby Government lnterft-rt rice) It
will affect the livestock Industry.' To which
A Common Cuss may rtpond "If the
abilltv of human Industry to function piop
erlv Is impaired ibv prohibitive food prices)
the packing Industry may reasonably epect
to be affected "
The Germans Mill as-
Poser In I'naen stirciily .spe to it tllat
the tepublie of SilcU
wi 1 ptotest against the riding of f'osen to
Poland and Hast Bohemia to Czecho-.S'lo-vakin
l is in this way that monotony is
avo'ded m th marking on' of frontiers
Prov dence has n way of providing for
emeigen.-ies. During the davs of reconstruc
tion and Industrial readjustment IVnnsvlva
lii.i will have m-ed of a man with a level
hmd in the gub rnatorial hair and it really
loi'Ks as thouKh we had him
. . retar- nf War linker admonili the
n'try to maintain its high standaid during
the 'living davs of demobilization ' Mi
Haker .videntiv has in inmd .Mr Kipling s
description of a btr home draft
If Creat Hritain s dominions enter the
'.ague as sovereign nations It will give, no
ehork to the people of their mother tountrv
It will siniplv tin n formal acknovv ledginem
o' ii condition lung exlstinc
The new Hungarian rabinet is j,an to
enjov the confidence of the Soriaitst and
Bourgeoisie .parties That Is because n Is
new Vs a cabinet grows o'J i-nnndn e Is
the firm thing to wear off
Ii m well for those who are opposed t"
the partial lifting of the blockade of rjei
manv to remember ilia tthe rjertmins wont
be able to pa their bills if the) are starved
to death
One of the auto bandits in a rei-ent hold
up is described us a blonde girl with a babe
nare fjirls of that tvpe usuallv vvnrk their
hod up wuhout having to flourish a gun.
It i interesting to learn .iust what the
German delegates intend to im ept and to
refuse The pnsoner at the bar is usually
eipened io take what s tommg to (vni
Meteorological conditions and pninn-ai
conditions had points in common in Harm.
burg esterday br'ght sun dissipa'ed a
thick fog
In the light nf Marconi s conception ue
ma look forward to the day when news
papers will contain uccounts of Intrrplanei
ar) hess games
if the Slavs and the Italians mil but
hnld 'heir hones, the Teace Conference vi Ml
provide ejeh of them with a beautiful harness
THE GOWNSMAN
"Public Service"
"PUBLIC service Is ii mouth-filling, dignb
fled, Important phrase, Fighting. Tun
ning ships, handling guns, keeping the
waB of transpoit open, attending on the
wounded and doctoring them, aiding the
helpless, feeding the hungry all this Is to
bo abroad on public service. Making the
world "safe for democracy" and uncom
fortable for the Bolshevlkl, watching the
staring-holes of Beynard the ex-Kalser.
keeping nn eye on the exoibltances of na
tional ambitions, whether Italic or Sla
vonic all' Is within the day's work ot
public service. Mr. Wilson Is abroad on
public service, though somo are not n'war"
of It. M Clement can, Llo.vd George and
his relative. King George, as some one put
It. aro all busy with public service. But
this Is not today's storj .
fJIHERE was once a young economist or
sociologist or "humanitarian" It does
not matter which who had the Impudence
to criticize. In the Gownsman's hearing,
the career of our late revered fellow towns
man, Dr. Horace Howard Furnoss. "What
a pity it is," said th0 "humanitarian." "that
Doctor Furness is not Interested In hu
manity. He seems a humanetnan." (The
"humanitarian." with characteristic lp'o
tance, knew nothing of the kindliness, gen
erosity and true charitableness of the man
of whom ho presumed thus to speak.) "He
seems," he continued, "a man of good heart,
but he spends his tlmo selfishly delving
over out-of-date books, writing and print
ing opinions nlout nn old poet, long since
dead. Doctor Purncss neither feeds the
hungry, clothes the naked nor warms the
cold. He seems to care nothing, either, for
the souls of men. Just think what a power
he might bo In a college settlement or In
the V. M. C. A." "The humanitarian" was
finch a power at $5000 a ear.
TTERn was a man with a thumb and
-LJ- finger for values. He could tell a hiwk
from a handsaw, but mainly by negation;
for the hawk, having wings, evaded him,
the handsaw is your only useful Imple
ment. To him "a good man" Is one who
finds another who Is hungry and gorges
him; of intellectual hunger or the purveyor
thereto he knew nothing; nnd, outside of
the Y. M. C. A which the Gownsman
maligns not this man knew no life of the
spirit. Of uch, let us hope, Is not the
Kingdom of Heaven; for such have already
too much of the earth.
B
FT to return to "nubile service." There
Is a kind, nuite other to that which
opened this "Gownsman " It Is the kind
which we do not so much achieve as have
thrust upon us; the kind which seems ref
erable to the determination of some people
to escape at least the mistake of Cain, who
was so unwilling to be thought his broth
er's keeper. Those whom this kind of "pub
lic service" has made Its own are profes
sionally "my brother's keeper." They keep
hlni supplied with thoughts nnd how to
think them, words nnd how to say them,
"facts" nnd how to meet them nnd throttle
them. They direct your benevolences and
keep our money when they get It. Indeed,
so determined are they In their keeping,
correction, direction, ipervislng nnd boss
ing of every "brother's" act that those of
us who do not want to be up to date,
virtuous, directed or efficient, find it hard
to distinguish this kind of public service
from public ntilsince.
qn.MKTIMi:s it Is onl.v ii chair of "public
service." the chief function of which is
to tell the i est of us how to st In our
chnirs or clso vacate them Sometimes
It Is a whole bureau. Hut the bureau shall
speak for Itself. ' PubJIe Service, to circu
late facts, questions and suggestions of nation-wide
Importance about public service
by governments, clv'lc agencies, higher edu
cation nnd benevolent foundations, issued
weekly subscription 50 cents n enr."
"Reports and at tides aie anal) zed and ie.
viewed at oot. which means from $15 to
T."i " "Salary campaigns -aie directed
; articles and high-spot notes aro
circulated. Live wues are sought and re
ported; io operative self-suivevs are di
retted." The Gownsman sweais that he
has manufactured none of this twaddle; he
has not the genius. A "fact" is sadly to
seek In nil ibis rubbish. Heie. however.
Is "a suggestion" of marvelous orlglnalit)
- we knew it was u suggestion because
tl is so labeled. "Serviceable slang: Have
a lieait. Can ou beat It" How do vou
get that wav?" A "question" Is "Have
)ou stopped or begun letting the world
teeonstruetlon vitalize your Instruction""
A "querv": "If jou are doing something
new or having larger classes, let us know
about It " And lastly. "Don't vou want
the Public Service Weekly Bulletin to come
to ou regulai Iv ;" Heaven forbid.
A DEVOTION to "public set v ice" of this
kind is conceivable on the pirt of the
enneoeter nnd ui-tlgtor of all this smart
commonplace and obvious noveltv; he
dnubte.s gets a belter wage nut of It to
judge fiom his talents- than he would be
likelv to get out of anything else and tn
be paid as a piofesional smart Alec with
a bias toward omniscience is certainly lo
practice an original profession. But some,
body is paying out good American money
for the cnntinuanre of this kind of thing
Who is he nnd win Is he doing It? Sill!
more difficult is It to conceive who are the
people who read this stuff. Does the small
tyrannv of the school require nnv unfortu
nate teacher, or bodv of teachers, to take
lead or use these circulars niffl the hod)
of "litetatuie ' which, for u price, Is iidvei
tlsed. puffed and exploited back of if
much nf it. the wotk of "the director," who
doubtless re.eives his ro)Hlties.
THE geneta' practitioner In "how tn do
It" is , preposterous and dangeious
product of the loose and happy-go-luck)
education of the dav. With Increasing de
mands for esptit knowledge in ever a
lirger number of fields, with a rigorous
call for deeper nnd. better research and
scholarship in ever) direction, It seems h
strange contradiction that this new class
of expeits in expertness should have so
grown up among us It s clear that nnv
one mnv speclficall) study the manage
ment of an thing, but a practical expe
rience In the subject would seem to a plain
man not an irratlanaf or inconsistent part
of the equipment nf r.nv evpert. As it is
wo have expeits in factory management
who have never run a fnctorv, experts In
international relations who have ever be t
further abroad than Hoboken. specialists
in tducatlon who canriot keep order oi
Interest in their own classes, and ndvlseis
as to the use of monevs tn charit) who
cannot finance their own families The
heart of the Gnwnsmin goes out t the
victims of these half-educated exploiters
of the obvious who part with their money
to throw It Into novel experiments In Inetfi.
clent hands, nnd more especially lo the
hard-worked teacher who with double
enough of his own, must stand the buffets
of folly, exploitation and worse.
.,
:..
iV .
THE CHAFFING DISH
T am the beautiful, silken
lid, with which some emi
nent domes are hid, shining
on top of a lustrous knob
to distinguish the wearer
fiom tho mob. f political
Junkets would soon "r'all
flat. Inaugurations wpuld
lose eclat, without thecane.tlieOiat&the hat.
The Freede - ...iiT.he Seas
Palm Bench. Kla ! Vian. 21. Miss Pearl
While, who was in tho surf, appeared after
ward In a brilliant victory red hat wreathed
with small vegetables and fruit and a blue
and while gingham frock with while organ
die veMee and cuffs. New York Tline.
1 Intended a wheeze
And it turned to a wi) piece
On Fashion's decrees
1 Intended a wheeze,
Hut Pearl left the seas
In her vegetable sky-picv -1
intended a wheeze
And It turned to a wiv pie e.
"Vou'io the Mother of Peat I.'
I lemarked to an o.vster,
"She's a fine looking girl
(You're the Mother of Pearh
And sho makes my heart whiil
In Its Innermost cloister
"Vou'ie the Mother of Pmil,"
I lemaiked to an nyslei
"Hut II Is not a hut
I shall notify Hoovet ,
It's magnificent, that,
But It is not a hat,
So I'll tell you quite ll.it
I shall havo to leprove her.
Hut it Is not a hat
I shall notify Hoover."
Said Miss White; "Vou must hedge;
Of your Jokes I've a surfeit.
These aie not real veg."
Said Miss White: "you must hedge;
I've my mllllner'n pledge -
What do vow think of her fit V
Said Miss White: "You must hedge;
Of vour jokes I've a surfeit."
So I said to Pearl While
"It'R a lolhcking chapcati:
And our Instinct is tight"
iSo I said to Pearl Whltei
"To put on nothing trite
.lust above your bright map-O!"
So said I to Pearl White
"It's n lollickiiig thapcau!"
One Method of Desk Clcanitif
Kdmund Gotse ttlls us that It wns Swin
burne's custom to allow miscellaneous matter
to collect on his table proofs, blllH, letters,
prospectuses, manuscripts until the litter
leached formidable proportions. The poet
would then pounce upon the pile, gather It up
In ihe dav s newspaper and place It carefully
upon ii shelf, never to be touched again,
unless bv another parcel of the same sort
laid hesid It. New York Evening Post.
Is It necessary to add that Swlrjburne
was a bachelor?
The best part of many a young poet's
verse is the refrain the refraining from
writing it
Mi. Creel sajB he Is coming home aa
soon as possible "to resume literary work."
We were not aware he had ever begun It.
Needles in the Hayjlaik
Five lunatics have escaped from, nn
asylum near Chicago, and by mingling with
the holiday crowds defied detection.
Cleveland PI: In Dealer.
Nuff Scd writes to ui that he (she'') has
been reading The Chaffing Dish, and adds,
"BR-.R-R-RR!"
jy
A .$..h' ' I
"I often wonder weather you are man,
women or child, sometimes I think your
an old maid."
To which our only leply Is lo quote the
title of nn amusing melodrama wo once
saw called '.'Neither Maid, Wife Nor
Widow."
A silk hut on somo people looks as In
congruous ns an amber mouthpiece on a
corncob pipe.
Hurrah!
We ting In grateful ditties
On n theme that Is Incongruous:
Congressional committees
This modest little song gicw us
Their action wise and witty smacks
To have denied that theatre tax.
HAMLET.
German statesmen have generously gone
so far as to admit that they had a "war
pschoss" during tho last four years.
On the Bapid Deterioration of Garter
Elastics
Capricious things are garter bands;
Traitors in a way
Malicious no one understands. ,
Elastic webs won't stay
In any one position
For any length of time.
They fall down In their mission
And almot lead to ci imo.
In summertime they get in" hot
The rubber hugs so tight.
Our veins feel all tied In a I.i nt
Anil we would like tn fight
The gu who wished them on us
For such i einnnit! whims
We'd hang him In a harness
Of thesu twin pests for limbs
Relief is sought; we fix them loose.
Hut soon our sov: hang down
In graceless folds about our shoes.
And cause a rieep'nlng frown:
For each time thev'ie adjusted
They flop right down again.
With garters we're disgusted
And breathe a "damn" Amen!
When wintry winds blow'tound oui shanks
Elastics lose their pep.
Hut be not hasty with your thanks
For je know not the step
Those seciet sins of uilment,
Old "rose or Alice blue,
Will drop out on tho pavement
To make a boob ot jou.
A pair of gaiteis bought toda.v
To fit your calf so sleek
Will fill jour soul with blank dismay
They'll stretch so In a week.
They are such great offonders,
No matter what their hue.
To use them for suspendeis
Is all that's left for )ou.
WALTER S. FOGG.
The Hard Life of a Soldier
Our Military Correspondence
1th (lie Army of Occupation, Dec, ii.
This Is the big Division (First) over here,
that's done more haul work nnd done It
better than an) other. I got back fiom
iny ofllce-hours Job to find an outfit that's
been In continuous fighting ever since 1
left them ut Montdldler. The poor olllcers
haven't had a leave And on top of the
fighting, they've Just completed tho long
hard 'like (hiking Is loo'e harder for ar
tillery than foi doughboys, appeal anccs to
tho contrary notwithstanding) up to Cob
lentz and a few kilometers cross the
lnWlk III II I Md tl III .1 -7-..ii.Tr.l.TlJ .. . J. l, .
K. -Jl.e.-ft if, . t'ftUftl i
.IfKJiSJtMALiai
J mmummwmim
JU, JBMM8J-7 JC CM ' r'YM'TM:TaBI .
river, whero they are now set for the
winter.
I don't know the name of our town, It
Isn't on the map anyway. It Is Just big
enough to stable the horses and bunk the
men. I have a little billet with a bed, a
table and a stove, and I have large black
cigars In store, so I ant qulto happy. It's
cold and snowy now, and Christmas was a
bit depressing, but we hao little work to
do for once, and I look forward to the long
evenings with my books anu papers with
out dismay. I'm reading French now, may
turn to German later. I have brought
along a few books representing Montes.
quleu, Pierre Lotl, Flaubert, Verhaeren,
Vcrlalne, Victor Hugo (poetry), Gogol
(translated Into French). For the first time
I'm Indulging In great gobs of French, and
it's fascinating.
LIEL'T. JOHN C. RANSOM,
Fifth Held Artillery, A. E. F.
The Kaiser still seems to be moie
croaked against than croaking. Never
mind. Next Monday Is his birthday, and
If ho Is still living rtien, we shall Indite a
nosegay that will finish him.
SOCRATES.
Tho gentleman who prepares the peace
communiques believes In cutting thlnts down
to the bone.
The correspondents have already pro
vlded the Peace Conference with more sub
Jects for settlements than one body of men
could attend to In a lifetime.
Ilerr Hohenzollern's birthday Is tn be.
celebrated with a concert In the castle at
Anierongen. There would be more snap to
a necktie party.
The Legislature will not be Just what it
should be until Vare men, renrose men, Les
lie men and the like ira succeeded by Just
plain Pennsylvania men.
After living the life of a man about
town In J.o!idon Manuel should have no
deslie to take up the uncertainties of the
king business In Portugal. It Is really so un
fettling, )'know.
Representative Vickerman, of Allegheny,
herald-ln-chlef for the drjs In the new Legis
lature, assures an anxious world that Penn
sylvania will "get In" with the other States
before the end of the line is reached. In, so
to speak, out of the wet?
What Do You Know?
QUIZ
Who it the President or SivltierlSnd?
Whit were the first three Amrrtran soHiers le
die on the soil ot iunce In tho wr?
How many nroplo In Ireland speak the OuIU
lanxuate?
Which Ik the "Gopher State"?
Hh.it Is the orliin of the eipression, "Etob
Homer node"?
What Is the route of the treat lorernmenl
uuwh? iii .iiveivu.
Miut Is the number ot the t'nlted Males Cob-
tress now In session?
Vthn .the .first American President to
wear lull beard?
f. Who wrote "The Iid.r of l,jons"?
II). Whit celebrated poet, phllosoDber and
phllosor.
er with
ilramstUt was assnclati
, ! "T. "rr.--":. -...!" ,wn
,L. i
" nnniir, seiertru as tile meettnr nli-
u, ..u.,iv urimuii viinai VISBSmDIJ
Answers lo Yesterday' Quiz
I. Seienteen kings of France wero named Louis.
1, tieorae Vl'esttnsliouse, an Amertran engineer.
was tho Inventor of tho airbrake. """
.1, Tho orlop deck Is the lowest deck of a ship,
t, the, Orarul Duchess Charlotte It the new
5i,i'rt.0Adle!..ar,rf' """ '!.
"' ''YnV, oVo'lft W'nMt ' lh' "
a, llenrv Clay ran.fhrre times for Ihe prssl.
dencr of tho United Mates. p ",l
'' R'Doonel!,l"1"n"" ""' "" ""', ""
s. Twclto ounces ruuke, a pound, tro wrlibt.
v, lite uootae tunnel, iilerrlnc the lion.
VfOUtlillllltf.
Must., it four and a halt
miles long.
10, There Is m difference In tins between IVukc
Uituii. U, C aud bautUtu. tlUlt.
CtH.i
rv I
u rfts -Y
,;
. V'.
e
&
Ea
I