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EVENiyg LEDGER PHILADELPHIA, SATURDAY, APBILTlD16.
IF GERMAN POT ROAST AND POTATO CAKES GIVE AN EDITOR INDIGES
ALMOST
"And if the Evening
Moon Sinks Two
British Ships in the
Batic and Has Ten
Agate Lines More
Advertising Than
the Evening News,
the Latter Paper
Makes Things Look I
Pretty Bad for Ger
many Thus Comments Louis Birsky,
the Real Estater, in Discuss
ing With Zapp the Cause for
the Conflicting War News in
the Daily Papers From
This Interesting Topic the
Conversation, Which Started
From a Remark About Mex
ico, Drifts to the Equally
Fascinating Subject of Ger
man "Efficiency
"TT LOOKS like things is goinR to
-be pretty serious down in Mex
ico," Burnett Zapp, the waist manu
facturer, said.
"I bet yer it does," Louis Birsky,
the real estater, agreed. "If we get
. six months of that trouble in Mexico,
Zapp, it's liable to bo as bad as six
;, nours 01 mo wouoio in Europe."
"I don't know about that." Zann
f"saicL "I sec in the nancr3 thnt it
" says when General Pershing gets a
1IUI. ..... . It...!.. I.- 1 ! ..
jikwu vrujra uitu luuxicu lie is going xo
run up against some stiff opposi
tion." "The papers could already say any
thing about what is going on in Mex
ico," Birsky retorted, "because the
Mexican news is censured the same
as the European news, Zapp, and you
h arc no more able to tell how many
mllca the American army travels in
Mexico as how many prisoners the
German captures near Verdun. It
all depends on the way the editor feels
-about it. If he thinks the boss would
bo tickled by the capture of a couple
thousand French prisoners, he cap
tures them in tho home edition, f'un
deratand, and if he goes out to flinch
,-and eata German pot roast mil
Kartoffelpannkuchen and it begins to
toll on him around 3 o'clock, under
stand me, tho French army chases
tho Germans out of six lines of
trenches and tho first page of the
Wall Street edition way back to page
3, -column 4 next to the weather re
ports. Then again certain NewYork
papers, is competitors of other New
York papers, and if, for instance, the
, Evening Moon sinks two British
t cruisers in the Baltic and nlso carries
10 more agate lines of dry goods ad- i
REMEMBER
50,000
BY MAY 1
N
WHAT IS A SECRET?
Dearest Children The other day I thought of a beautiful saying and it
was, "The toys of today are tho tools of tomorrow." One of our boy3 in
forms me that his teacher is nlways telling the class the very same thing.
I thought the sentenco was original with me and I thought I was
"awfully smart."
Often times you have a wonderful secret. It comes to you when you are
quite young nnd you never, never tell any one. Finally, some one comes along
and tells you, as a very special favor to you, tho thing which you have
always kept secret from your youth. You say, in great (feigned) surprise,
"In that so?" As a matter of fact, you knew it all the time and were patting
yourself on the back and thinking how wonderful you were to have a secret
all your own.
Can there be such a thing as a secret? If you never tell any one, then
it is not secret, and if you do tell some one, then it is no longer a secret.
Isn't that wonderful?
BUT there are SOME THINGS you should always keep to yourself, and
they ore the very innermost thoughts of your very own, because no two
persons think alike if they did, this would be a very uninteresting world.
If your mother told you you could always have a piece of pie whenever you
wanted, it, you would soon tire of pie.
Here is a secret: Many, many years ago, your editor was presented
-with three gallons of ice cream all for his very own and he ate and ate
until he almost froze to death. BUT once in his life he had enough and since
then he has not cared very much for ice cream. Did this ever happen to
you? Don't tell any one, because you and I have a secret.
Oh, yes t The boy who told me dared me to tell. Guess what will happen
to MEI FARMER SMITH,
Children's Editor, Evening Ledger.
This is to certify that I have read the above in manuscript form and it
baa my approval, FRANCIS O'KEEFE,
Seal
. J -t IJ Jiimmiu
Xfmr lfan.1iAla
1Bar WILLIAM BROCKEHMAN, N Sid St.
My girls' and boys I send to -you,
A. little kindness they wish to do.
A tittle Sunshine, to spread each day
A little lightening of the tray.
Rainbow Drawings
The sketches below- -were Kent in by the
following members (reading from left to
right) - -Boy Gillespie, Lena. Kachporjn.,
Harry Sazaroff Catherine Murray, George
Tanffuay Roy Gillespie, Cecil Holm,
Aurora Nasuti, Herman Echenker and H.
Rogers.
ANYTHING
By MONTAGUE GLASS
"It begin") to tell on
vcrtisements as the Evening News,
y'undcrstand, the Evening News kills
the Crown Prince, operates on the
Kaiser for throat trouble and other
wise makes things look pretty sehleehl
for Germany."
"Well, there's one thing about this
here censuring, Birsky," Zapp said.
"Former times when the papers was
allowed to print the truth they was
practically duplicates, whereas, now
adays it's really worth while to pick
up a couple papers in the subway, and
even if some one threw them away tho
day before, Birsky, you could rend
'em witn just as mucn pleasure, pro
viding they ain't been used to wrap
up anything sticky oder herring or
something."
"Sure, I know," Birsky said, "but
why do they call themselves news
papers? If the Evening Moon would
change its .name to 'Zippy Stories,'
y'understand, instead of a hundred
Solicemen being kept in front of its
ulletin board to 'prevent tho Loute
using concealed hyphens on one an
other, understand me, they could bo
releasee! lo piay cnccKura in uiu aiu
tion house or fracture push-cart ped
dlers' skulls or for any other regular
police duty. Or, even better still,
why don't the censurer make them
papers send him copieB to look over
after they're printed, so as he could
cut out all the lies, Zapp?"
"They done that in Europe when
6WS an
Grays avenue.
Honor Roll Contest
The prim for the answers of "Tulnsi
to Know and Do" for the week ending
April 1 hare been awarded to the fol
lowing children:
Mary Ooyle, South 20th ttreet, SI,
Louie Catalano, Market street, 80
cent,
EUeabetb NevlUe, South 16th atreet,
23 centi.
Florence Newtb, Walnut street.
Celia Berlin, Jtorlb Franklin street,
18 cent.
Iasdore Segal, IVeit AUeghenjr are
nue, S3 cent.
JV
CAN HAPPEN TO THE
.' 1(1! 1
I I
him around 3 o'clock."
the war started," Zapp explained,
"and most of the newspapers come
out with nothing in 'cm but Help
Wanted Males and Arrival of Buyers.
Then the public kicked so hard that
the censurer made it a rule if he cut
out anything, the owner of the paper
had to put something in its place, so
nowadays, Birsky, when Mr. Edward
Levy Lawson, owner of the London
Daily Telegraph, or Mr. Cyril Chaim
owitz Cholomondlcy, owner of the
London Daily Tagcblatt, sends their
papers to the censurer and he re
turns it to them just in time to slap
in the closing Wall Street prices and
box scores, y'undcrstand, tho editor
don't take it so particular to fix up
the blank spaces with new, original
stuff. He puts in whatever he's got
handy, and the consequences is that
the front page has got a lot of arti
cles like this:
THE WAR
STARTLING ADMISSIONS
IN PARLIAMENT )
MR. 'ASQUITH'S DECISION
PROPOSALS TO MEET
PROBLEMS OF RE
CRUITING The Houso of Commons con
tinued the debate on the re-
lews o
Our Postofflce Box
Spring Upbringing out the baseballs and
bats, and Beteral "nines" have written to
announce that they ara adoptincrthe "Rain
bow" for their team name this season
John Convery, North Howard street. Is
spokesman for his team and his energetic
buulnes3-llke letter spells VICTORY I We
strongly approve of these athletic branches
of the Rainbow Club, and it the members
so desire we will print box scores of their
games in the "Sports Extra" each Sat
urday night. The scores may be phoned
in in time for that edition. What do you
think of this idea, boys?
The following children send grateful
acknowledgment for Rainbow buttons;
Dorothy Welkel, Marie Leoples, Billy Mel
Ion. Bucknell street; Beatrice Spooner,
North 16th street; Elizabeth Porecca, Ban
croft street, and Bernard Shane.
ijSUS8ll ANNA ADAAIJ-CUMENTINCST WM. 3HUTrUW0?ri( PALZ1HQRP6X myjfffBBl
(mk-Ot. ??m
RAINBOW THOUGHTS AND
crulting bill today. Mr. Asquith
said that, so far as he was con
cerned, he knew
A steel horseshoe magnet can
hold in suspension n weight up to
twenty times its own.
Iowa possesses more nutomo
bilcs per capita of population
than any other State in the
Union. It is estimated that there
are oor 3.141(5 automobiles to
every man, woman and child in
Iowa.
A camel's hind legs will reach
its head and round its chest or
on to its hump.
Dftllr Tflfsropli Olnolflnl ,il nr btur
little lnntlfr. Try Ihun for nulck re
sult. "Nnturnlly, Birsky, when a feller is
paying his good one cerit to find out
something about the war, he otcr
cares how many Stotes could be popu
lationed by the number of people trav
eling in the New York subways dur
ing 1014, and that amborgrcasc,
which is used in the manufacture of
high-grade perfumery, is so expensive !
that if an ambergrcase concern keeps I
six salesmen on the road and docs an
nnnual business of 22 grains Avcr
derpoy, it's already sensational."
"That's what happens when you
begin to monkey with a big army,"
Birsky said. "They start in by tell
ing you what you could rend, and
after that, they run the whole thing
like in Germany. Over in Germany
today the Government has issued food
cauls, such as bread cards, soup
cards, fish, entice, roast, celery, olives, i
dcsscit and coffee cards. Each card
is good for one week and seven por- I
tions, like, lor instance, the soup
caid reads:
0 00 0
Punch Here
Good for Week of
January Sth
Seven (7) Plates SI 6W
ASSORTED SOUP
William Hoheuiollmn,
Psora tETOit.
"So, when a feller goes to a restau
rant and gives an order, he must got
to got his cards with him and have
'em punched by tho waiter, otherwise
they wouldn't serve him. In that way,
the Government can find out how
much food is being ctt, Zapp, and if,
for instance, too many soup cards is
being turned in at thCjCnd of a week
and it looks dike the supply of soup
ain't going to Inst through the war,
the Government partly shuts down
on soup and issues weekly soup cards
for only three plates, sire 5. That's
the way tho Government keeps track
of things, Zapp."
"Also a feller's wife could keep
track of things, too," Zapp said. "Sup
posing a German business man starts
t7 O "I T""l
T r armer omitn s Jx.
RAINBOWS AS WE SEE THEM
mi u 'I i W
In Loving- Memory
ot a Little Rainbow
ELIZABETH MILDHED CJIASB.
who died April B,
at btr home In Wglnut Lent,
Ot not in crvpltv, not in wrath,
a The Keapcr came that day,
Tuoj ait anptl viaittJ the green earth
am loo me jiower away.
FANCIES AS RAINBOW PENS EXPRESS THEM
KAISER OR THE CROWN PRINCE
Thc wife finds out that his celery and olive cards has got punched
out two portions each.
out Monday morning with a line of
brand now food cards, and when he
comes homo that night he foolishly
leaves them in his overcoat pocket
while he goes to wash up. And sup
! posing the wife finds out that hi3
celery and olive enrds which goes
. week after week without a single
hole in 'cm, has got punched out two
portions each. She then looks
I through tho entire lino and discovers
that ccitain other cards which or
I dinarily ain't touched, like the cream
I do mint card and the ice cream card,
has also got a couple holes punched
into 'em, Birsky. What show docs
I n feller like that stand to prove an
alibi? Am I right or wrong?"
I "It'tl be a whole lot worser for a
j feller if him and three other men gets
I together on Monday morning and
makc up four full decks of 52 food
cards each, and then starts up a little
game," Zapp mused. "If such a fel
ler plays in hard luck and continu
ally bucks up against such hands as
roasts full of olives when he is hold
ing only three small entrees, we would
say, for example, it's a question of
! time only when he is cither frozen
I out altogether, y'undcrstand, or else
am
The Autobiography of a Cup of Cocoa
Hy JACK nUItQESS. Cedar Ave,
To begin with, I had better tell
who I am. I am a cup of cocoa
I haven't much to tell about, as I was
only made about 10 minutes ago. Since
then I have been resting on this table.
That Is a .
The reason I stop here Is because the
lady is stirring me with the spoon and I
am so mixed up that I can't speak.
Things to Know and Do
1 Willie, the office boy, tore up this
fluestlon and all we can find is " ? o
club our h like you o ow d.
3 Why do we see our faces reflected
in a mirror?
3. What does doggie have that a tree
has? (For little people.)
Illustrations
I 0
quits with only 28 Chai lotto russes
to go on with for tho rest of the
week."
"Ho could also probably get ar
rested for it, Zapp," Birsky said, "be
cause in Germany, even before the
war, the things a feller could get ar
rested for run nil the way from
cornet playing in the first degree
down ni far as politeness to old
ladies and cripples second offense,
and tho consequences was that 1G5
per cent, of the population of Berlin
was either out on bail or under sus
pended sentence. But now that's
nothing already. Since tho war start
ed, Zapp, and they put on the lid
tight, y'undcrstand, and everything
to cat i3 untcrsagt, Zapp, the Grand
Jury of Berlin County is sitting 18
hours a day handing down indict
ments against respectable business
men, doctors and lawyers, for wil
fully, maliciously, feloniously and
against the statute in such case made
and provided and the peace and dig
nity of Wilhclm Hohenzollern, King
of Prussia and Emperor of Germany,
eating potatoes without the skins on,
Zapp, or drinking coffee with more
than two lumps of sugar in it. Yes,
bow Club
SATURDAY EVENING SMILES
Wasn't Farmer (to youthful trespasser) What do you mean by thiov
ing in my orchard? Blight Doy I was just going to climb up to replace '
this npple which I see has fallen down.
Immaterial "How would you like these eggs cooked, sir 7" said the waiter
to the small boy. "Does it make any difference in tho cost7" "No, my lad."
"Then cook them with a nice slice of ham."
A Particular Dog Irato Old Gentleman If I kick that dog in the ribs,
do you think ho would stop barking? Small Boy Owner Most likely, sir.
Ho never wants to bark when ho has his mouth full.
The Irony of Youth Stern Parent (anxious to impress tho lesson) Now,
my son, toll mo why I have spanked you. Johnny (bitterly) Boo oo !
There, you'vo given mo a good beating boo boo an' you don't even know
what you'vo done it for!
Between Two Evils Flossie is six years old. "Mama," she said ono
day, "if I get married, will I have a husband like pa?" "Yes," replied the '
mother with an amused smile. "And if I don't get married, will I have to be
an old maid like Aunt Kate?" "Yes." "Mama, it's a hard world for us
women, isn't it?"
FAOEIt SMITH'S GOAT BOOK
Billy Bumpus and the Ant
"Oh, how I wish I wero a poet!" ex
claimed Billy Bumpus one afternoon when
the sun was sinking beyond the Big
Hher, Then he went on;
"Hlght diddle doo,
Hlght diddle dee.
With horns upon my head
I'm wonderful to see."
"OUCH!" said a tiny little voice beside
him, and looking down he saw Mrs. Ant.
"What's the matter with you?" asked
Billy In surprise.
"That poetry hurt me," replied Mrs.
Ant.
"Hurt you?" asked Billy. "How can
poetry hurt you? You are not bigger
than half an Inch of one ot my sneezes."
"Big or little. I know the metre of your
FARMER SMITH,
Eveninq Ledger;
I wish to become a member of your
Rainbow Club. Please send me a beau
tiful Rainbow Button free. I agree
to DO A LITTIjE KINDNESS EACH
AND EVERY DAY SPREAD A.
LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONO
THE WAY,
Name ..,..,.,,,,,,.,,
Address r,t,.,,iti,n,,ti,
Ao. .,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,
School I attend ......,,.,., ......
By BftlGGS
Zapp, the only people in Germany
which ain't habitual criminals, y'un
dcrstand, died of starvation six
months ago, nnd if a feller goes to
work and thoughtlessly cats a full
mcnl, y'understand, he runs a chance
of spending the rest of his lifetin jail
for a complication of offenses rang
ing nil the way from anchovies to
zwieback."
"That may be, Birsky," Zapp said,
"but the Kaiser could cut 'em down
on their food n whole lot more, and
still the Germans wouldn't starve, be
cause when his family doctor tells tho
nverago American that he is making
n god out of his stomach and digging
his own grnvo with his teeth, y'un
dcrstand, that's the equivalence of a
German going on a strict diet, Bir
sky, which even today yet, it is con
sidered in Bavaria that if n mnn
limits himself to 12 quarts of beer a
day, he is awful narrow-minded nnd
in n way, a total abstainer. So, after
nil, Birsky, it ain't so much stingi
ness with the Kaiser as wanting to
make the German people as healthy
as the Gorman army."
"The German army healthy 1" Bir
sky exclaimed.
"That's what I said," Zapp replied.
"The whole German army gets once
a month n vaccinating for 50 diseases
ranging from hang nails to acute
Ausdunstung. The German nrmy
doctors is simply wonderful that way.
Every German soldier thnt gets killed
dies in the pink of physical condition."
"Then there is really no reason
why a German soldier shouldn't live
to be a hundred," Birsky suggested.
"Barring accidents," Zapp said.
Against the peace and dignity of
William Hohenzollern.
The catrier
A Silver Lining
to
Every Cloud !
poem Is all wrong It does not sound
right. Your voice sounds like the noise
made by rattling a lot of tin cans In a
big bag"
"Is that so?" replied Billy In surprise.
"I am cry fond of tin cans."
"Then you can't expect to be a poet,
because your words will get all mixed up
with the tin cans "
"Oh, hoi Then I'll write a tin-can poem."
"Go ahead," said Mrs. Ant, bo Billy re
cited: "Oh, how I love tomatoes,
I Just eat all I can.
And when I cannot eat them,
1 put them In a can,"
Billy squinted down at Mrs. Ant and
asked, "How's that?"
"A little rusty," replied the little lady,
as she disappeared in the ant hill.
The Fairy and the Policeman
By MAHQAltET WILLIASIS, R0mont.
Once there was a fairy and his name
was Puck. One night he was out and
found a policeman on the corner. Puck
was very full of fun, and went up to the
policeman, who could not see him, and
ran oft with his club. The policeman
went hunting and found It in a hollow
tree I The policeman could not think, how
it got there at all, but the real truth
was that Puck had put It there, thinking
the policeman would not And it.
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