$Mi MraHnj EVENiyg LEDGER PHILADELPHIA, SATURDAY, APBILTlD16. IF GERMAN POT ROAST AND POTATO CAKES GIVE AN EDITOR INDIGES ALMOST "And if the Evening Moon Sinks Two British Ships in the Batic and Has Ten Agate Lines More Advertising Than the Evening News, the Latter Paper Makes Things Look I Pretty Bad for Ger many Thus Comments Louis Birsky, the Real Estater, in Discuss ing With Zapp the Cause for the Conflicting War News in the Daily Papers From This Interesting Topic the Conversation, Which Started From a Remark About Mex ico, Drifts to the Equally Fascinating Subject of Ger man "Efficiency "TT LOOKS like things is goinR to -be pretty serious down in Mex ico," Burnett Zapp, the waist manu facturer, said. "I bet yer it does," Louis Birsky, the real estater, agreed. "If we get . six months of that trouble in Mexico, Zapp, it's liable to bo as bad as six ;, nours 01 mo wouoio in Europe." "I don't know about that." Zann f"saicL "I sec in the nancr3 thnt it " says when General Pershing gets a 1IUI. ..... . It...!.. I.- 1 ! .. jikwu vrujra uitu luuxicu lie is going xo run up against some stiff opposi tion." "The papers could already say any thing about what is going on in Mex ico," Birsky retorted, "because the Mexican news is censured the same as the European news, Zapp, and you h arc no more able to tell how many mllca the American army travels in Mexico as how many prisoners the German captures near Verdun. It all depends on the way the editor feels -about it. If he thinks the boss would bo tickled by the capture of a couple thousand French prisoners, he cap tures them in tho home edition, f'un deratand, and if he goes out to flinch ,-and eata German pot roast mil Kartoffelpannkuchen and it begins to toll on him around 3 o'clock, under stand me, tho French army chases tho Germans out of six lines of trenches and tho first page of the Wall Street edition way back to page 3, -column 4 next to the weather re ports. Then again certain NewYork papers, is competitors of other New York papers, and if, for instance, the , Evening Moon sinks two British t cruisers in the Baltic and nlso carries 10 more agate lines of dry goods ad- i REMEMBER 50,000 BY MAY 1 N WHAT IS A SECRET? Dearest Children The other day I thought of a beautiful saying and it was, "The toys of today are tho tools of tomorrow." One of our boy3 in forms me that his teacher is nlways telling the class the very same thing. I thought the sentenco was original with me and I thought I was "awfully smart." Often times you have a wonderful secret. It comes to you when you are quite young nnd you never, never tell any one. Finally, some one comes along and tells you, as a very special favor to you, tho thing which you have always kept secret from your youth. You say, in great (feigned) surprise, "In that so?" As a matter of fact, you knew it all the time and were patting yourself on the back and thinking how wonderful you were to have a secret all your own. Can there be such a thing as a secret? If you never tell any one, then it is not secret, and if you do tell some one, then it is no longer a secret. Isn't that wonderful? BUT there are SOME THINGS you should always keep to yourself, and they ore the very innermost thoughts of your very own, because no two persons think alike if they did, this would be a very uninteresting world. If your mother told you you could always have a piece of pie whenever you wanted, it, you would soon tire of pie. Here is a secret: Many, many years ago, your editor was presented -with three gallons of ice cream all for his very own and he ate and ate until he almost froze to death. BUT once in his life he had enough and since then he has not cared very much for ice cream. Did this ever happen to you? Don't tell any one, because you and I have a secret. Oh, yes t The boy who told me dared me to tell. Guess what will happen to MEI FARMER SMITH, Children's Editor, Evening Ledger. This is to certify that I have read the above in manuscript form and it baa my approval, FRANCIS O'KEEFE, Seal . J -t IJ Jiimmiu Xfmr lfan.1iAla 1Bar WILLIAM BROCKEHMAN, N Sid St. My girls' and boys I send to -you, A. little kindness they wish to do. A tittle Sunshine, to spread each day A little lightening of the tray. Rainbow Drawings The sketches below- -were Kent in by the following members (reading from left to right) - -Boy Gillespie, Lena. Kachporjn., Harry Sazaroff Catherine Murray, George Tanffuay Roy Gillespie, Cecil Holm, Aurora Nasuti, Herman Echenker and H. Rogers. ANYTHING By MONTAGUE GLASS "It begin") to tell on vcrtisements as the Evening News, y'undcrstand, the Evening News kills the Crown Prince, operates on the Kaiser for throat trouble and other wise makes things look pretty sehleehl for Germany." "Well, there's one thing about this here censuring, Birsky," Zapp said. "Former times when the papers was allowed to print the truth they was practically duplicates, whereas, now adays it's really worth while to pick up a couple papers in the subway, and even if some one threw them away tho day before, Birsky, you could rend 'em witn just as mucn pleasure, pro viding they ain't been used to wrap up anything sticky oder herring or something." "Sure, I know," Birsky said, "but why do they call themselves news papers? If the Evening Moon would change its .name to 'Zippy Stories,' y'understand, instead of a hundred Solicemen being kept in front of its ulletin board to 'prevent tho Loute using concealed hyphens on one an other, understand me, they could bo releasee! lo piay cnccKura in uiu aiu tion house or fracture push-cart ped dlers' skulls or for any other regular police duty. Or, even better still, why don't the censurer make them papers send him copieB to look over after they're printed, so as he could cut out all the lies, Zapp?" "They done that in Europe when 6WS an Grays avenue. Honor Roll Contest The prim for the answers of "Tulnsi to Know and Do" for the week ending April 1 hare been awarded to the fol lowing children: Mary Ooyle, South 20th ttreet, SI, Louie Catalano, Market street, 80 cent, EUeabetb NevlUe, South 16th atreet, 23 centi. Florence Newtb, Walnut street. Celia Berlin, Jtorlb Franklin street, 18 cent. Iasdore Segal, IVeit AUeghenjr are nue, S3 cent. JV CAN HAPPEN TO THE .' 1(1! 1 I I him around 3 o'clock." the war started," Zapp explained, "and most of the newspapers come out with nothing in 'cm but Help Wanted Males and Arrival of Buyers. Then the public kicked so hard that the censurer made it a rule if he cut out anything, the owner of the paper had to put something in its place, so nowadays, Birsky, when Mr. Edward Levy Lawson, owner of the London Daily Telegraph, or Mr. Cyril Chaim owitz Cholomondlcy, owner of the London Daily Tagcblatt, sends their papers to the censurer and he re turns it to them just in time to slap in the closing Wall Street prices and box scores, y'undcrstand, tho editor don't take it so particular to fix up the blank spaces with new, original stuff. He puts in whatever he's got handy, and the consequences is that the front page has got a lot of arti cles like this: THE WAR STARTLING ADMISSIONS IN PARLIAMENT ) MR. 'ASQUITH'S DECISION PROPOSALS TO MEET PROBLEMS OF RE CRUITING The Houso of Commons con tinued the debate on the re- lews o Our Postofflce Box Spring Upbringing out the baseballs and bats, and Beteral "nines" have written to announce that they ara adoptincrthe "Rain bow" for their team name this season John Convery, North Howard street. Is spokesman for his team and his energetic buulnes3-llke letter spells VICTORY I We strongly approve of these athletic branches of the Rainbow Club, and it the members so desire we will print box scores of their games in the "Sports Extra" each Sat urday night. The scores may be phoned in in time for that edition. What do you think of this idea, boys? The following children send grateful acknowledgment for Rainbow buttons; Dorothy Welkel, Marie Leoples, Billy Mel Ion. Bucknell street; Beatrice Spooner, North 16th street; Elizabeth Porecca, Ban croft street, and Bernard Shane. ijSUS8ll ANNA ADAAIJ-CUMENTINCST WM. 3HUTrUW0?ri( PALZ1HQRP6X myjfffBBl (mk-Ot. ??m RAINBOW THOUGHTS AND crulting bill today. Mr. Asquith said that, so far as he was con cerned, he knew A steel horseshoe magnet can hold in suspension n weight up to twenty times its own. Iowa possesses more nutomo bilcs per capita of population than any other State in the Union. It is estimated that there are oor 3.141(5 automobiles to every man, woman and child in Iowa. A camel's hind legs will reach its head and round its chest or on to its hump. Dftllr Tflfsropli Olnolflnl ,il nr btur little lnntlfr. Try Ihun for nulck re sult. "Nnturnlly, Birsky, when a feller is paying his good one cerit to find out something about the war, he otcr cares how many Stotes could be popu lationed by the number of people trav eling in the New York subways dur ing 1014, and that amborgrcasc, which is used in the manufacture of high-grade perfumery, is so expensive ! that if an ambergrcase concern keeps I six salesmen on the road and docs an nnnual business of 22 grains Avcr derpoy, it's already sensational." "That's what happens when you begin to monkey with a big army," Birsky said. "They start in by tell ing you what you could rend, and after that, they run the whole thing like in Germany. Over in Germany today the Government has issued food cauls, such as bread cards, soup cards, fish, entice, roast, celery, olives, i dcsscit and coffee cards. Each card is good for one week and seven por- I tions, like, lor instance, the soup caid reads: 0 00 0 Punch Here Good for Week of January Sth Seven (7) Plates SI 6W ASSORTED SOUP William Hoheuiollmn, Psora tETOit. "So, when a feller goes to a restau rant and gives an order, he must got to got his cards with him and have 'em punched by tho waiter, otherwise they wouldn't serve him. In that way, the Government can find out how much food is being ctt, Zapp, and if, for instance, too many soup cards is being turned in at thCjCnd of a week and it looks dike the supply of soup ain't going to Inst through the war, the Government partly shuts down on soup and issues weekly soup cards for only three plates, sire 5. That's the way tho Government keeps track of things, Zapp." "Also a feller's wife could keep track of things, too," Zapp said. "Sup posing a German business man starts t7 O "I T""l T r armer omitn s Jx. RAINBOWS AS WE SEE THEM mi u 'I i W In Loving- Memory ot a Little Rainbow ELIZABETH MILDHED CJIASB. who died April B, at btr home In Wglnut Lent, Ot not in crvpltv, not in wrath, a The Keapcr came that day, Tuoj ait anptl viaittJ the green earth am loo me jiower away. FANCIES AS RAINBOW PENS EXPRESS THEM KAISER OR THE CROWN PRINCE Thc wife finds out that his celery and olive cards has got punched out two portions each. out Monday morning with a line of brand now food cards, and when he comes homo that night he foolishly leaves them in his overcoat pocket while he goes to wash up. And sup ! posing the wife finds out that hi3 celery and olive enrds which goes . week after week without a single hole in 'cm, has got punched out two portions each. She then looks I through tho entire lino and discovers that ccitain other cards which or I dinarily ain't touched, like the cream I do mint card and the ice cream card, has also got a couple holes punched into 'em, Birsky. What show docs I n feller like that stand to prove an alibi? Am I right or wrong?" I "It'tl be a whole lot worser for a j feller if him and three other men gets I together on Monday morning and makc up four full decks of 52 food cards each, and then starts up a little game," Zapp mused. "If such a fel ler plays in hard luck and continu ally bucks up against such hands as roasts full of olives when he is hold ing only three small entrees, we would say, for example, it's a question of ! time only when he is cither frozen I out altogether, y'undcrstand, or else am The Autobiography of a Cup of Cocoa Hy JACK nUItQESS. Cedar Ave, To begin with, I had better tell who I am. I am a cup of cocoa I haven't much to tell about, as I was only made about 10 minutes ago. Since then I have been resting on this table. That Is a . The reason I stop here Is because the lady is stirring me with the spoon and I am so mixed up that I can't speak. Things to Know and Do 1 Willie, the office boy, tore up this fluestlon and all we can find is " ? o club our h like you o ow d. 3 Why do we see our faces reflected in a mirror? 3. What does doggie have that a tree has? (For little people.) Illustrations I 0 quits with only 28 Chai lotto russes to go on with for tho rest of the week." "Ho could also probably get ar rested for it, Zapp," Birsky said, "be cause in Germany, even before the war, the things a feller could get ar rested for run nil the way from cornet playing in the first degree down ni far as politeness to old ladies and cripples second offense, and tho consequences was that 1G5 per cent, of the population of Berlin was either out on bail or under sus pended sentence. But now that's nothing already. Since tho war start ed, Zapp, and they put on the lid tight, y'undcrstand, and everything to cat i3 untcrsagt, Zapp, the Grand Jury of Berlin County is sitting 18 hours a day handing down indict ments against respectable business men, doctors and lawyers, for wil fully, maliciously, feloniously and against the statute in such case made and provided and the peace and dig nity of Wilhclm Hohenzollern, King of Prussia and Emperor of Germany, eating potatoes without the skins on, Zapp, or drinking coffee with more than two lumps of sugar in it. Yes, bow Club SATURDAY EVENING SMILES Wasn't Farmer (to youthful trespasser) What do you mean by thiov ing in my orchard? Blight Doy I was just going to climb up to replace ' this npple which I see has fallen down. Immaterial "How would you like these eggs cooked, sir 7" said the waiter to the small boy. "Does it make any difference in tho cost7" "No, my lad." "Then cook them with a nice slice of ham." A Particular Dog Irato Old Gentleman If I kick that dog in the ribs, do you think ho would stop barking? Small Boy Owner Most likely, sir. Ho never wants to bark when ho has his mouth full. The Irony of Youth Stern Parent (anxious to impress tho lesson) Now, my son, toll mo why I have spanked you. Johnny (bitterly) Boo oo ! There, you'vo given mo a good beating boo boo an' you don't even know what you'vo done it for! Between Two Evils Flossie is six years old. "Mama," she said ono day, "if I get married, will I have a husband like pa?" "Yes," replied the ' mother with an amused smile. "And if I don't get married, will I have to be an old maid like Aunt Kate?" "Yes." "Mama, it's a hard world for us women, isn't it?" FAOEIt SMITH'S GOAT BOOK Billy Bumpus and the Ant "Oh, how I wish I wero a poet!" ex claimed Billy Bumpus one afternoon when the sun was sinking beyond the Big Hher, Then he went on; "Hlght diddle doo, Hlght diddle dee. With horns upon my head I'm wonderful to see." "OUCH!" said a tiny little voice beside him, and looking down he saw Mrs. Ant. "What's the matter with you?" asked Billy In surprise. "That poetry hurt me," replied Mrs. Ant. "Hurt you?" asked Billy. "How can poetry hurt you? You are not bigger than half an Inch of one ot my sneezes." "Big or little. I know the metre of your FARMER SMITH, Eveninq Ledger; I wish to become a member of your Rainbow Club. Please send me a beau tiful Rainbow Button free. I agree to DO A LITTIjE KINDNESS EACH AND EVERY DAY SPREAD A. LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONO THE WAY, Name ..,..,.,,,,,,.,, Address r,t,.,,iti,n,,ti, Ao. .,,,,,,,,,,,,.,, School I attend ......,,.,., ...... By BftlGGS Zapp, the only people in Germany which ain't habitual criminals, y'un dcrstand, died of starvation six months ago, nnd if a feller goes to work and thoughtlessly cats a full mcnl, y'understand, he runs a chance of spending the rest of his lifetin jail for a complication of offenses rang ing nil the way from anchovies to zwieback." "That may be, Birsky," Zapp said, "but the Kaiser could cut 'em down on their food n whole lot more, and still the Germans wouldn't starve, be cause when his family doctor tells tho nverago American that he is making n god out of his stomach and digging his own grnvo with his teeth, y'un dcrstand, that's the equivalence of a German going on a strict diet, Bir sky, which even today yet, it is con sidered in Bavaria that if n mnn limits himself to 12 quarts of beer a day, he is awful narrow-minded nnd in n way, a total abstainer. So, after nil, Birsky, it ain't so much stingi ness with the Kaiser as wanting to make the German people as healthy as the Gorman army." "The German army healthy 1" Bir sky exclaimed. "That's what I said," Zapp replied. "The whole German army gets once a month n vaccinating for 50 diseases ranging from hang nails to acute Ausdunstung. The German nrmy doctors is simply wonderful that way. Every German soldier thnt gets killed dies in the pink of physical condition." "Then there is really no reason why a German soldier shouldn't live to be a hundred," Birsky suggested. "Barring accidents," Zapp said. Against the peace and dignity of William Hohenzollern. The catrier A Silver Lining to Every Cloud ! poem Is all wrong It does not sound right. Your voice sounds like the noise made by rattling a lot of tin cans In a big bag" "Is that so?" replied Billy In surprise. "I am cry fond of tin cans." "Then you can't expect to be a poet, because your words will get all mixed up with the tin cans " "Oh, hoi Then I'll write a tin-can poem." "Go ahead," said Mrs. Ant, bo Billy re cited: "Oh, how I love tomatoes, I Just eat all I can. And when I cannot eat them, 1 put them In a can," Billy squinted down at Mrs. Ant and asked, "How's that?" "A little rusty," replied the little lady, as she disappeared in the ant hill. The Fairy and the Policeman By MAHQAltET WILLIASIS, R0mont. Once there was a fairy and his name was Puck. One night he was out and found a policeman on the corner. Puck was very full of fun, and went up to the policeman, who could not see him, and ran oft with his club. The policeman went hunting and found It in a hollow tree I The policeman could not think, how it got there at all, but the real truth was that Puck had put It there, thinking the policeman would not And it. l i 1 & w Kf 5 TTJiCiC jZ "' Tmyy ,1 I 1' "liH ""I TfOTi' V J ITI HHMl ii i i mn imiUa Vlrillli lil'tii'H IT"" -"' ' I i""' ' ' ' .IUI-I' i nil
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers