[Copyright applied for.]
tnnsplbanistb pritscb.
Brief Fun Der Berry.
SCHLIFFLETOWN, Ougslit der Brit, 1868
211f3DER ABRAHAM BRINTERS : Now
awer duhnet er widder amohl so an
briefly in eier zeitung nei drucka ,for
mich. Ich wehs woll das der Pit eich
notice gevva hut doh de woch for der
letsht das er eich der Shreef shicka will
wann der noch amohl an brief publishd
for mich, un awer 'MUM ich net mistaken
bin is des an freies loud, un wann du an
freier monn bisht, Misder FODDER ABRA
HAM, donn lusht dish net seller weg
obshrecka. Anyhow yetz shreib ich
amohl, un sag ach, yusht nei mit, for
wanns amohl ons shreefa geht hab ich
ach ebbas dertsu zu sauga. De fact is
der Pit, sidder das er so fiel unnich den
na demokrata rumm loaf'd dort ons Kitz
elderfers, is bol gor nix meh nutz. Shal
dut er de halb tseit net, un awer yusht
doh im shteddle rum hucka un brawla
we das er als so gooty demokratishe
briefa in der FODDER ABRAHAM nei dut,
un donn duhna se ale dreeta un kawrta
shpiela un drom saufa un bensa pitcha
un flucha so des es an realy Aloud is.
Now der Pit war als so an decenter
monn das ehn zu finna war doh in Schiff
fletown, un awer de hochmeediche, long
behniche un halb ferhungerty demokrat
ishe leaders wu ale doh rouse kumma fun
der shtadt wann se ale for de emtlin run
na, de macho, elm ale weis das er der
slunartsht monn im county is, un uf sel
ler weg lust er sich rum foola un dut ehra,
meeny terwat shaffa un sei geld shpenda
yusht for de meensht party uf zu halta
das yea im lond war.
Ich kennt der ordlich fiel sauga fun
derma ferlumpty, ferloageny un fersuffeny
demokrata doh in Schliffietown, un awer
ich hab net de geduld es zu du. 'Armin
yusht mein Pit amohl de ding ei-seh
kennt das se so an norr ous ehm macha
un das wanner noch long so fort
macht das er ivver a weil an realer fer
lumpter suffer is, donn bin ich sure das er
mei roat nemma deht un sich uf de re
publican ehra seit shaffa, un donn wt2r er
boll widder an decenter monn.
Weil ich yets om shreiva bin will ich
der amohl an specimen fun demokratishe
dummheit gevva. Doh is ehner Bill
Dopfoos im shteddle, seller wu als rum
geht on de fairs un baddolyas mit de
flying concha, deer is doh der onuer dog
amohl on unser house kumma grawd noch
am middog essa, yusht we ich noch om
g'shtnrr wesha war, un huckt sick onna
uf der gross shackle shtool un fongt
grawd aw politics shwetza mit 'em Pit,
un now will ich kordullish wierra wann
er net de dumshty sacha gebobbled hut
das ich in all meim leawa nock g'hart
hab. Er hut behawpt das der Grant an
schwartzer neayer is un das de 'publi
cans an law macha wella so das an yea
der neayer ufs wennigsht fiat weise wei
ver helm soil un das wann ennich ehny
net willens is an neayer zu heira wann
er se hawa will, dos se ferkawt wterra
soil for noch Mexico. Er hut ach be
hawpt das tier General Jackson het de
Beevel gemacht, un das der General
Washington weer der gross-dawdy gwest
fum mono wu der Readinger Adler rouse
gebt. Ich hab dem ding mit gooter
gedult zu g'horricht bis das er widder
awg'fouga hut fun de neayer un donn
hut er so a wennich on mich gewunka
un sagt, secht er, " now suppose so
duhna glen neayer Grant nei vota un
macha so an law, we se im sin hen, so
das se unser ehns doat macha an donn
mista unser weiver ach noch schwartzy
neayer helm, un sell, Becht er, bin ich
sure deht der Bevvy doh gor not awshtay."
Ich Nabs awer uiramy shtanda kenua,
un donn hab ich ehm amohl mei meh
nung g'sawt uf plain deitsch. Sag ich,
" now du dummer easle du—denksht now
es is noch eh utensil in der Bons welt
deer halb so dumm is we du ? Wanns
amohl ons heira geh deht wet ich noch
feel leever an schwartzer neayer heira
das so an mitleidiches bite kalb we du,
for' wann ders net noddeerlich kumma
deht zu shriaufa donn wtersht in drei
minnutta so doht das an dohter mack
erel, un wann ich dich vier donn deht
THE " GREAT COMMONER "
IGNORANCE AND SLIVERY-THE TERROR OF TRAITORS AND COPPERHEADS.
id' mich graved prowiera obshwappa for
an bull-hund, odder and peas-buck, odder
an long-ohricher easle odder ennieh ep
pas sunsht weer an improofment of so an
ungeweshener tun ung,ekeniter kupper
keripieher Mipfoos we du." Rh inns
aver dock sauga das er genunk fershtond
hut What for sich ous em shtaab macha,
for ich kann der sauga ich hob yusht
about so halwer hitinunor f.efeelt for chin
noch a paar gooty ohrfeiya zu gevva in
der burry a, for sell is about der elnitsich
weg das mer so kmrls ideas g,ebt we's in
der welt her geht. Mein Pit var ewer
shtill—kenn wort hut er zu situp, g'hat,
for er hut good genunk gewist we ex ous
macha deht warm ich amohl awgebrenut
bin. Er hut ach kenn wart zu sauga
What fun weaya shreefa wann ich widder
au brief in der FODDER ADRAIIA3I nei
du, un fun sellam suff in der shtadt we
sell Rinderpesht dort war de woch fore
der letsht weer ius lock-up gedoo is warra
hut er ach nix zu sauga g'hat. De fact
is der Pit mus mer noch an decenter mono
gevva we er als war, un awer for sell zu
du mus er sell demokratish lumperei en
tirely ufgevva. Ich geb net uf, un doh
wags now geh we's will. Grant un Col
fax is my dicket, un ich sag, geh nei
Fodder, shtick dertzu, un luss yushtmich
zum Pit Schweffletrenner tenda. Ich
will ehm shun der kup tsurecht setza.
BEVVY SCIIIVEFFLEDRENNER,
Wife of Pit Schwefflebrenner.
tlettb.
General Grant.
At a soldier's reunion at Blanchester,
Ohio, Judge Sloan said:
Nor since the war has he become a
dabbler iu politics. Possessing a high
command iu the army, and liable at any
time to be called upon, in his military
capacity, to enforce the laws of Congress,
he has perceived how grossly improper
it would be for him to announce to the
country his opinions as to the policy or
constitutionality of the laws either passed
or proposed. He has preserved a dis
creet silence.
Judge Sloan maintained :
First—That while Grant was not the
most learned man in the country, he
was, by far, the most suitable man for
President in the present condition of the
country, and in view of the troubles
threatened in the future, because he is a
man in whom all parties have the most
unbounded confidence.
Second—He is not a genius, but pos
sesses a great amount of practical,useful,
trustworthy common sense.
Third—He is not au orator, has never
made any great speeches, but has clone
great deeds. We don't need au orator
for President ; indeed, it is better to have
one who does not speak than a word
monger or slang-whanger.
Fourth—He is not a politician.
Fifth—Ho is prominently a prudent
man, as illustrated in his keeping out of
politics, both during and since the war.
Sixth—He is a shrewed observer ; a
1 1 man of great quickness of perception and
prompt action.
Seventh—He is a man of sound judg
ment and great pertinacity of purpose.
Eight—He is a man of great energy
and activity.
Ninth—He is an honest man.
Tenth—He is a man of liberal educa
tion.
A_BRA_H_AAT.
HON. THADDEUS STEVENS,
—THE F EN D or EDUCATION AND LIBERTY—TI I E DETERMINED FOE OF
Eleventh—He is an honest man.
Twelfth—He is a man of good stock.
He concluded his analysis of Grant's
character as follows :
Such, gentlemen, as I have described
him, is Ulysses S. Grant, a man of good,
solid sense, and useful and thorough ac
quirements—a man of plain and direct,
but shrewd and far seeing mind--a quiet
and taciturn man, but one who speaks,
when called upon to speak, directly to
the point, in clear, forcible, and fitting
language—a modest and retiring man,
who never thrusts himself upon the pub
lic attention, but one who, being called
upon to act, acts with promptitude and
vigor, "asking no favors, and shrinking
from no responsibilities ;" a man of
activity and energy, without bluster or
parade ; of firmness, without obstinacy ;
of self-reliance, without vanity or pre
sumptuousness ; a man of quick percep
tions, rapid reasoning powers, sound
judgment, and prompt decision—a man
who owes nothing to favoritism, but who,
"by dint of merit," has "achieved great
ness," and who, notwithstanding the
eminence to which he has risen, has not
become dizzy-brained, but is the same
simple mannered, "level-headed" man
he was before, and who walks the top
pling mountain heights of fame with the
same firm step, undazzled eye, calm,
clear, steady mind, and modest bearing,
for which he was noted in the humble
and obscure lowlands of life.
Josh Billings thus discourseth about
hogs:
llov are generally quadruped.
The extreme length of their antiquity
has never been fully discovered ; they ex
isted a long time before the flood, and
hey existed some time since.
There is a great deal of internal rev
enue in a hog ; there ain't much more
waste in them than an oyster.
Even their tales can be worked intew
whissels.
Hogs are good, quiet borders ; they
alwuz oat what is set before 'em and
don't ask any foolish questions.
They never hev any diseaze but the
measels, and they never hey it but once ;
once seems to satify 'em.
There is a great menny breeds amongst
them.
Some are a close corporation breed,
and agin some are built more apart, like
a hemlock slab. •
They used to hey a breed in New Eng
land a few years ago, which they called
the striped hog breed; this breed, was in
high 'repute with the landlords ; almost
every tavern keeper had one which he
used to show to travelers, and brag on
him.
Some are full in the face like a town
clock, and some are as long and lean as
a cow-catcher, with a steel-pointed nose
on them.
They ltan all rute well; a hog which
kan't rute well hez been made in vain.
The hog can be learnt a great menny
cunning things, such as hoisting the front
gate off from its hinges, tipping over the
swill barrel, and finding a hole in the
fence tew git into a corn -geld ; but thar
aint enny length to their memory ; it is
awful hard work for them to find the
same hole tew git out, especially if you
are euny ways,anxious they should.
Hogs are very contrary, and seldom
drive well the way you are going ; they
drive mostly the contrary way. This
has never been fully explained, but
speaks volumes for the hog.
—An editor out West, who had served
four days as a juryman, says: "I am so
full of law, thait Is with great.difilculty
I refrain from cheating somebody."
Chapter on Hog&
A Sermon Worth Remembering.
o , wo, tu the man that kisseth his
nabur's wife. 1;• •
Sich. freus and brethrin' is the words
uv our text. and vu will find 'em writin'
on tu the heart uv enny man that luvs
his wife—and sum that don't. In the
words nv our text : Wo, wo, to the man
that kisseth his nabur's wife, be she
white or black, publikin or christin, fur
he shel he tried, and Satan shel be his
trier, and he shel tri hard. Frens and
brethrin', this is rc.ng ; yu may relish
the smack xceedingly, but it is this same
smack that will reek yu and yure hopes
of Kevin forever. Sich conduct'll often
bring its owu punishment. Once I knu
a man that wuz in the habit of kissin' his
nabur's wife, and one nite, jist at dusk,
he observed a female form standin in the
hall; he rushed tu the spot and clasped
it tu hiz bnzzum, and imprinted an un
holy kis. Lo, and behold the head uv
the family was sittin in the next room,
and upon hearin the busin, opened the
door and diskivered a man huggin and
kisin his—wel, he diskivered a feller a
huggili a deloshnn, and a black wun at
that—he was bestoin his careses on the
culerd watur gurl. Stolin pleshurs ma
be sweet, but that feller wuz never dis
kivered kisin anebudy elces female agin.
'Tis strange that men'll du so, in fact 'tis
a pussul, and when the wife kises back
'tis a re-Lice —Tis a bus that'll take you
where there's walin and nashin uv teeth.
There 4 brethrin be careful where yu puts
yure lips, fur there's a da cumin when
yu'll be called tu anser fur these short
minim, and yu will have no xeuse—sich
xcuses as kisin her fur her mother, won't
go down about them daz. In conclushun
I would sa tu yu awl, get yure• kisin like
yu du yure meals, at hUm, for if yu don't,
as sure as my name is Elder Plug, you'll
go where it ain't tu be got. The good
book sez there ain't enny water there,
and there 4 I'll bet there ain't enny water
falls. That's awl! Amen I
Hints to• Political Meetings.
As the season for political meetings ap
proaches, it may be well to reproduce
the following excellent advise given by
Horace Greely some years ago, which
Republicans might do well to heed :
1. Do not fix the day of your meeting
and then look up your speakers—they
will already, perhaps, have been en
gaged elsewhere for that very day—but
secure your speakers. Let them fix •the
day.
2. Two prominent speakers, with the
aid at your command, are amply sufficient
for any one mass-meeting. Let the peo
ple understand these can be relied on,
and do not load your bill with an
array of great names only to disappoint
your audience.
Have your meetings, if possible, in
doors. One indoor meeting, even if
packed, is worth half a dozen outdoor
gatherings. The former is comparatively
easy, and the the latter difficult for a
speaker to control.
4. If you must have outdoor gatherings,
then seek the grove or woods, and fail
not to erect a stand for your speakers,
and cover it with boards, and nothing
else. Canvas absorbs and deadens the
voice, while with nothing above the
speaker's head, the voice will waste in
the air above, and in five cases out of six
he will break down.
5. Always put down upon your plat
form, whether in or out of doors, a piece
of coarse carpet to stand upon. Never
cover with oil cloth, unless you expect
your speaker to be lifeless and dull.
G. Consume as little time as possible
in preliminaries, in marching and coun
ter-marching. Get your procession upon
the ground with dispatch and proceed at
once to the business of the meeting.
7. Remember your speakers, especially
the more prominent ones, have families
to support. Their time is valuable, and
it costs them money to travel on rail
roads and stop at hotels. "Thou shalt
not muzzle the • mouth of the ox that
treadeth out the corn."
or ittle
BETWEEN' . MISS SEYMOUR AND TILE DEM-
Blushing, twiddling, head averted,
Coy, coquettish, Seymour stood,
Vowing be should kiss her never,
While she really hoped he would
Kiss the other pretty maiden,
Said the modest Marcy belle,
While she whispered o'er her shoulder,
Kiss me-1 will never tell l"
" Do not kiss me," cried Miss Seymour
To her democratic swain,
Down whose red and flustered visage
Sweat-drops poured like Summer rain
"Do not kiss me"—round his waistband
Slipped Miss Seymour's pretty aim,
While she softly, sweetly murmured,
" Kiss me, if it costs a farm.'
—The hog may not be thoroughly
posted in arithmetic, but when you come
to square root he is there—the hog is.
—The song of the repentant husband,
after knocking his wife down—" Come
rest on this bosom, my own stricken
dear."
—A wealthy widow, advertising for an
agent, was overwhelmed with applica
tions. The printer made it "a gent."
—A juryman was asked whether he
had been charged by the presiding
Judge. " Well, Squire," said he, " the
little fellow that sits up in the pulpit, and
kinder bosses it over the crowd, gin us a
talk, but I don't know whether he charged
anything or not."
—Philosophy says that shutting the
eyes makes the sense of hearing more
acute. A wag suggests that this accounts
'for the many closed eyes which are seen
in orkr churches every Sabbath.
—There is a story of a celebrated
French preacher, who, on delivering a
sermon on the duty of wives, said: "I
see opposite me in this congregation, a
woman who has been guilty of the sin of
disobedience to her husband; and in
order to point her out to universal con
demnation, I will fling my breviary at
her head." He lifted his book, and every
female head was instantly ducked.
—lsn't a woman wet enough with a
cataract in her eye, a waterfall on her
head, a creak in her back, forty springs
in her skirt, high tied shoes, and a nation
in her head ?
—A little Birkshire five-year old, who
was hungry one night recently, just at
bed-time, but didn't wish to ask directly
for something to eat, put it in this way :
" Mother, are little children who starve
to death happy after they die ?" A good
big slice of bread and butter was the an
swer.
" Nancy," said a girl to her compan
ion, " which railroad do you like the
best P" " That one," replied Nancy,
" which furnishes a spark catcher."
—An Irish glazier was putting in a
pane of glass , when a groom standing by
beganjoking him, telling him to put in
plenty of putty. The Irishman bore the
banner for some time,but at last'silenced
his tormentor by, " Arrah, now, be off
wid ye, or else .1. 1 11 put a pain in yer head
without any putty.,"
—An Irishman, a short time in this
country, was eating boiled green corn.
After eating off all the corn, he passed
the cob back to 'the• lady, who sat at the
head of the table, saying: "Would you
plase be so kind as to put some more
banes on the stick ?"
—A white poodle'is now essential' in a
fashionable family.
[By our Bpecial Artist.]
DEMOCRACY.
Got the BLA.RES.
A Courting Scene
OCRATIC SWAIN