®I)C American Doluntcev. pUBUSHEb EVERY THURSDAY MORNING , BY BRATTON «Se KKNNKWY. oF ri€E»SOVTH MARKET SOJABE. V# ' ,v ß «9*-Two Dollars fcor year If paid strictly 1E Two Dollars ana Fifty Cents ifjmld I H.Mn & tbreo months; after/which Three Denars « These terms will bo rigidly ad fflu ©very Instance.. Nosubscrlpvlon dis tcron.iecl until all arrearages are paid, unless at tSeoatlon ot the Editor. ~ professional ffiarns. t;. p. HUMRIOH. I WM. B. PARKER jjuMBICH & PARKER, attorneys at LA IK. Ofilco on Main Street, In Marlon Hall, Car lisle, Pn- IRfl . pec. 2 1803— __ JJNITBD STATES CLAIM AND ■REAL ESTATE AGENCY! M. B. BUTLER', ATTORNEY AT LAW, ml,™ In 2tl Story of InliolTs Building, No. 3 South llayovor Street, Carlisle, Cuiqborrand county Sponsions, Bounties, Back Pay, &c„ promptly “Applications by mall, will rccolvo Immediate “rartßar attention given to the selling or rent mu of Ileal Estate, in town or country. In uU>et tcra of Inquiry, please enclose postage stamp. July 11.1(1117—tf • ri E. BEITZHOOVMt, ‘ ATXOMNET-AT-LAW, CARLISLE. PA, .ear Office on South Hanover Street, opposite Bentz’s dry goods store. Dec. 1.1835. WM.J. SHEARER, Attorney and Counsellor at Law, has removed his oince to the hitherto unoccupied room in the North East corner of the Court House. Jau. ■JS.’itO-lv W KENNEDY, Attorney at Law Carlisle. Peumi. Office sumo as that ol rhe“A?norlcan volunteer,’! Dec. 1, JBGO JAMES H. GRAHAM, Ju., ATTORNEY AT LAW, NO.l-TSOXuk HANOVER St, ' Carlisle, pa. OFFlCE—Adjoining Judge Graham’s. March 81, . EL. SfiRYOCK, Justice of,the . Peace. Offico-No 3, Irvin’s Row, Carlisle. April 21), 1809—ly . ’ 2R. GEORGE S. SEARIGHT,* Den tist. Front the Baltimore College of Denial erg. Office at the residence of his mother East Louther Street, three doors below Bedford Carlisle, Pennn, , - Dec. 1.1805.* 4 BE. J. S. BENDER, Homoeopathic Physician, Cilice No, 6, South Hanover st., nerly occupied by John Leo, Esq. June 3,lBoU—iy. ER. I. Y, REED. Homeopathic Phy sician, has located In Carlisle; OJllce next • to St. Paul’s Evangiilcal Church, West Loiiiher Street. Patients from adlatanco please call in the forenoon. March 17,1870-Um* JTDWARD SHILLING, M. D. PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, No. 2(1 East Eom/rct Street ; Carlisle. Dr. Shilling was associated with Dr. Zltzcr, In this place, for a year or so, and has been practic ing hi Dickinson township, for three years. All professional business promptly attended to. April?, I«7U-3m B. HIEONS, Attorney and COUNSELOR AT LAW, vurra atheist, below chestnut, Cor. Libi ary. Philadelphia. Oct 14, 1809—Ty DOBEBT OWENS, SLATS ROOFER. AND DEALLB IN SLATE LANCASTEII, PA. ' ' All Work Guaranteed. Orders Left at this Ofllce .will receive prompt attention. October 14.1809—1 y. ana JjVEESH SUMMER AKEIVAI or Aim the NEW BTY-LEB HATS AND CAPS., The subscriber tons Just opened at No, IS North' Hanover Sired, a few doors North of the Carlisle Deposit Bunk, one of the largest und best Stocks of HATS and CAPS ever olfered In Carlisle. Silk, Hals, Casaimere of all stylfes and qualities, Stiff Brims, different colors, and- every descrip tion of Soft Hats now made. ■ The Duukard and Old Brush, con stantly on hand and madejlo order, all warrant ed to give satisfaction. A full assortment of MEN’S, - BOY’S, AND CHILDREN’S. HATS. have also added to ray Stock, notions of dlffer at kinds, consisting of LADIES’ AND GENTLEMEN’S STOCKINGS, Neck Ties, Suspenders, Cellars, Gtoucs, Pencils, Thread, Scwina Silk, Umbrellas, do UPRT\Tia.jßigqAM-AyJ>-aiaBACCO ALWAYS on hand. Give mo a call, and examine my stock as I feel eonfldont of pleasing all, besides saving you mo “ey' JOHN A. KELLER, Agent, No. 15 North Hanover Street. May, 1809. • J_JATS AND CAPS ! DO YOU WANT A NICE HAT OB CAP ? lie so. Don’t Fail to call on J.O.CALL I O , NO. 21), WESI MAIN STBIIET, Where can bo seen the finest assortment of hats and caps ever brought to Carlisle. Ho talrcs great pleas ure In Inviting Ills old friends nod customers, andlall now ones, to his splendid stock fust re ceived from New York and Philadelphia, con sisting In part of fine , SILK AND CASSIMERE HATS, . besides an endless variety of Hats and Capa of the Idlest stylo, all ot which he will sell at the Lowest Cash Prices. Also, his own manufacture Hats always on hand, and HA.T3 MANUFACTURED TO ORDER. ' Re has the beat arrangement for coloring Hata and all kinds of Woolen Goodtf, Overcoats, &0., at the shortest notice (aa he colors every week) and on the most reasonable terras. Also, a flno lot of choice brands of TOBACCO AND CIGARS . fltways on hand. He desires to call the attention to persons who have OOUHTR Y PURS to sell, as ho pays the highest cash prices for the same. Give him a call, at the above number, his 'dd stand, aa ho feels continent of giving entire so .Is faction. May im. gTKOHM & BPONSLEB, iVo 18,, South Hanover Street, CARLISLE, PA. .Thankful lortni, extended them Heretofore, do now announce their usimt umo •loot oIsI’XIING STYLES of BOOTS AND SHOES FOR SADIES' AND MISSES’, GENTS’ AND BOVS’. YOUTHS’ AND CHILDS’, »WoU are unrivaled for comfort and beauty, TRUNKS AND VALIS3E3, MEN AND BOYS’ HATS, OM. l .S f i w !l loh wUI b 0 sola nt s,nall profits. Call money allau<ißot * * uli fur your April 21,1870—1 y BY BRATTON & KENNEDY. miscellaneous, QREAT COMMOTION DRY GOODS, On account of tbo reduction In Gold, the Dry Goods'Mercbnnts who understand tholr business and the certain signs of the times, have reduced the p’ lec ol their goods correspondingly. Tliosub sorlbers have Just received from the cities a largo and full assortment of all kinds of FOREIGN & STABLE GOODS, which they will soil lower than they have done, since 1801. Wool Do Lalncs, Alpacas, Poplins, Serges, Bom bazines, Taralso Oloih, Grenadines. FLANNELS of all kinds, Plain and Fancy, Linen Table Diapers, Cotton do., Checks, Tickings, Ginghams, Counterpanes, EMBROIDERIES, a full lino; Whlto Goods In great variety, HOSIERY, GLOVES, TRIMMINGS, and a full stock of T DOMESTIC GOODS, Calicoes, Muslins, by the piece or yard; Grain bugs, CLOTHS, CASSIMERS, &0., of all kinds and at the lowest prices. CARPETS, OIL CLOTHS, Druggets, Window Shades, Matting, • MILINERY GOODS * of all kinds, including Ladles and Childrens Hats and-Sundowns, and the best assortment .and best quality of fine Ribbons in the county.— Kid Gloves, (best make,) Jewelry, Fancy Goods and Notions in great variety. This MAMMOTH STOCK OF GOODS tno largest In thls section of country, Is offered a. prices that defy competition, and all we ask is a fair examination by good Judges of goods to satisfy the public that this is the place to bay and save money. . * . LADIES’ UNDER JYEAR, ' A nice assortment of Ladles’ Under Clothing very handsomely stitched and trimmed at reasonable prices. WOOL taken In exchange for goods. . BENTZ «t GO. At the old Dry Goods stand established Feb ruary Ist, 1840. ... March 3.-7 0 The great medical disco ve , BY I .DR. WALKER’S CALIFORNIA VINEGAR BITTERS, Moro than 500,000 Persona bear testimony to their Wonderful Curative Effects.' WHAT ARE THEY? TAEY ARE NOT*'A VILE FANCY- DRINK Made of Poor Rum, Whiskey, Proof Spirits, and Refuse Liquors, doctored, spiced, and sweetened to please the taste, called "Tonics,” "Appetiz ers,” Restorers,” Ac., that lead the tippler on to drunkeness and ruin, but are a .true medicine, made from the native Roots and Herbs of Cali fornia free from all Alcoholic Stimulants. They are the GREAT BLOOD PURIFIER and LIFE GIVING PRINCIPLE, a perfect Renovator and Invlgorator of the System, carrying off all pol sonous matter, and restoring the blood- to a healthy condition. No person can take these Bii ters according to Directions, and remain long unwell. 8100 will be given for an incurable case, pro vided the bones are not destroyed by mineral poisons or other means, and the vital organs be yond the point of repair.- For Inflammatory and Chronic Rheumatism, and Gout, Dyspepsia, or Indigestion. Bilious, Remittent, and intermittent Fevers, Diseases of the Blood, Liver, Kidneys, and Bladder, these Bitters have been most successful. Such Diseas es are caused by Vitiated Blood, which Is gener ally produced by derangement ol the Digestive Organs. Cleanse the Vitiated Blood whenever you And its Impurities bursting through the skin in Pim ples, Eruptions or Sores; cleanse it when you And It obstructed and sluggish in the veins cleanse it when It is foul, ana your feelings will toll you when. Keep the blood pure and the health of the system follow. PIN, TAPE, and other WORMS, larking in tbo eyatom of co many thousands, ard effectual* ly destroyodnnd removed. ,• In Bilious, Remittent,and Intermittent Fevers these Bitters have no equal. For full directions read carelUlly the olrcu'ar around each bottle, printed In four languages—English, Gorman-,. French and Spanish. J. WALKER, Proprietor, 32 Commerce St., N. Y R. H. MCDONALD & CO.. Dr ” ' druggists, tmcl general Agents. San Francisco and Sacramento. California, and 32 and 34 Com merce st., Now York. _ • SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS & DEALERS. March 7,1870 -3m , , Q ARPETS ! OAKPiUTfcJ! I limit & WISER, CARPET STORK, Wo. 23 East Main Sleeet, In the BENTZ HOTEL. The largest ahd cheapest assortment of CARPETS, OIL CLOTHS, MATTINGS, WINDOW SHADES. LOOKING GLASSES, MAT AND CABPEI CHAIN’S always on band. Wo aro prepar < to furnish purchasers with, all grades of Ga.peta at the lowest rates. March 17,1870—3 m "gIGGS! EGGS!! EGGS!!! From light Brahma fowls, pea combed, strictly pure from Imported stock. $2.00 PER DOZEN. No order vlll'bo booked unless accompanied by the cash. A few pairs for sale. 81.Q0PER PAIR; A few Half-Breed Italian Bees „ for sale In movable comb - hives—cheap. , Ad dress 0. U. HOFFER, P.0.80x 147,; • Carlisle, Pa. March 3,1670 — A GENTS - WANTE D.—sloo to, $3OO f\_ per month—Clergymen, School Teachers J&nuil Young. Men .andLadtca wanted to Can vass for the Now Boole.. “OXJR FATHER’S HOUSE,” OB The Unwritten Word, By Daniel March, author of the popular ‘Night Scenes,’■ This master In thought aud language show# us untold riches and beauties In the Great House, with Its Blooming flowers. Singing birds, Waving* palms. Rolling clouds. Beautiful bow, Sacred Mountains, Dellghttul Elvers, Mighty Oceans, Thunderlugvolcps. Blazing heavens and vast universe with countless beings In millions of worlds, and reads to us ip each the Unwrit ten Word. Kose-tlnUd paper, ornate engrav ings and superb binding. Send for circular, In which Is a rail description and universal com mendations by the press, ministers and college professors In the stronger! possible language.— ZEIGLER, McCURDY & CO., 10 South Sixth St„ -Phlladelphlftr-Pa* : —* April 21—lw - WANTED FOB THE PHYSICAL LIFE OF WOMAN. TWENTY-FIFTH THOUSAND NOW READY. BY GEO, n. NAPHEYS, M. D. The most remarkable success day. Is gelling with unprecedented rapidity.. It con tains whut every Man and-Woman ought to kuow.and few do* It will save much sunonng. as tiiu only reputable work upon ttio single and married life, it Is earnestly recommended by Prof. Win. A, Hammond, Prest, Mark Hoi>t;fn«, Kev. iPy Ward Beecher, Dr. BUslmoll, Mrs. it. IS, Uleagon, M. D., H. N. Kastman, etc. Being eagerly'sought for, the Agents work is easy.— Send stamp for pamphlet oic., to GKO. MAC LEAN, Publisher, 7IU Burason street, Philadel phia. Pa.; a school Street, Boston, Mass.; 85 Nassau Street, Now York. April 21—4 w pii’EXL & CO. produce Commission merchants, ■ No. 10 Noam Wateb Biheet, Philadelphia. Solicit consignments ofall kinds of PRODUCE Also, Butter. Eggs. Poultry, Ac, «sc. Puiludelpbla References—N. C. Musselman, Esq.. Pres't Union Bunking Co., Philadelphia;' Messrs. Allen & Clillbrd, and Messrs. Henry Sloan A Son. _ N. B—Please send for Weekly Price Current free of charge, ,Morch 10,1&70 —0m :j i lie iMrieii -liliitor SILKS, CARLISLE, FRYSINQER & WEISEB. fwitoi THE CLEARING, BY ETHEL LYNN. . Ho! sumnior Is coming I The woodpecker, drumming, Is waking the sentinels up; The forges nro 'blowing, The anvils are glowing, To fashion each flowery cup. All flushing and paling, Arbntus Is trailing Through shadow, aud sunlight, and brake; Tbo ferns full of wonder. Look up from their slumber, Aud nod to tbo sedge on the lake. The sweet, sleepy Clover Is Just turning over— She has hoard of the merciless plough The willow has spoken, ■ In words low and broken. And chained the story ero now, Snob a wise little bird - All tbo story had heard,., Of the pioneer’s ploughing an^Bowlng; The shad wad astir With the chatter and wlilrr, And the messengers here and there going. The wood be to raized, The meadow laud gxazecl, The stream to be serf to the miller; The robber declared I She was frightfully scared, Bho w£a sure a removal would kill her. Each poor little nest rdfty Ev’ry bird loved the best,. ’ Wavered down with tho oak’s dying quiver. •The mill burdened stream, Lost Its holiday gleam As it soberly went to the river. The hill top was bare. And sunshine coaid stare As It would, in the low cabin peering; For daisies were dead, And tali wheat Instead, Laid gold on tho pioneer’s clearing. 7Jl;Luidtancono. DEtILAII. [From, Chambers’ Journal.] Sir Thomas Wlnton and I are fellow Directors of a company which will never, I fear, make the fortunes of either of us; but it pays its way—five per cent, on capital, the salaries ot Secretary, clerks and porter, and the guinea fees ,of the Directors are always punctually forth coming. Now, it is a singular fact, that however well off a man may be, a guinea always has an attraction for him; and Sir Thomas Winton, when in town, was very regular in bis attendance at the Board. The charms of general conversation are not unknown at.these social business gatherings, and Sir, Thomas and I often discuss our favorite topics. He is a sporting character; my hobby is the drama. If I open the conversation, I politely affect an interest in Derby pros pects; mention the Middle Para sale of yearlings, or inquire tenderly after the Baronet's partridges and pheasants. If, on the other hand, it is Sir Thomas who takes the lead, he inquires what I think of the last new French adaptation put, upon the London stage. And so a cer tain intimacy has sprung up between us. • ‘Are you anything of a Shot, Mr. Che vers?' Sir Thomas asked me one day early in lost July. ‘X am very much out of:praotloe,’ I re plied ; ‘but. I used . to be a fair average performer with the gun some years ago. When I get an odd day now,T am apt to be too anxious.' ‘At rate, you are fond of thasport ?’ ‘Ve»y.’ ‘Then you must come down to ray place, and try your hand—will you ?’ ‘You are very kind.’ ‘And if you like a day or two’s bunt ing for a change, I willgiveyoua mount.’ ‘Thank you; X shall be most happy.’ ‘You will not mind coming rather lute in the season? We generally have.a houseful of young people in November, and I keep some covers unbeaten for the occasion. Aud if we have a. touch of frost, there will be some snipe.’ I.thanked Sir Thomas Wiiiton again, and thought no more of the matter. Invitations of that kind aieso very rife after luncheon—sherry being a heart-ex panding fluid and are so often forgotten, that I never expected to bear again of this one. I was quite surprised, there: fore, when a kind letter from Sir Thoiqas came in November, reminding me of my promise to come and stay with him, and fixing the day. So I went down to Winton, and found that Sir Thomas had a very good notion of fitting up a country-house, Every bed room bad a dressing room attached with a bath in it, and hot and cold water laid on ; and a warm bath before dinner, after violent exercise, is one of the great est luxuries in the Sybarite’s list. Then the breakfast arrangements were capital; guests entered the room at any hour they pleased, rang the bell, and ordered what they liked, just as if they were at a hotel. But all this, which is common enough in large English country-houses does not give the idea of comfort I wish to convey, and which consisted in the ease and smoothness with which all the wheels of the household turned. There was no fuss or bother, or forced hospitali ty ; but if you wanted anything, you got it at once, without trouble or delay. But I am anticipating.. I have only just reached the house at present. Sir Thomas Winton was a widower and his present family consisted of two daugh-; ters, somewhere between seventeen and thirty, and a son in the Lancers, now nt home on leave. There were several guests besides myself: Captain Seymour, a brother officer of young Wlutou’s with a suspected desire of forming another fra ternal connection with him; ‘Paddy O'Brian, of the Foreign office,’ a sort of social Creighton; and others. Of the fairer visitors I need only mention one —Ada Dart; for what man of sound mind could notice any other girl when she was in the room? Well, Captain Seymour could do so, but then he wqs Infatuated and. not of sound mind—suf fering from younger Miss Winton on the brain, in mot.. It. surprised me very much to see the beautiful Ada sail into the drawing room before dinner on the evening of my arrival. I had met her at n dinner party and three balls; I had at tended her with .graceful humility throughout the whole of a picnic, and her Image rose before in© rattier more often than I liked. It la very unpleasant to be Haunted by a.face ; to see It when ever you smoke a quiet solitary pipe ; when you lean back and shut your eyes in a railway carriage; when you are try ing to get to sleep at night. I really don’t know which Is worst—to have a neautiful woman or a tune running In your head. Of course I was not in that absurd state which the ancients style ‘enamored/ and the moderns ‘spoonyl .am of my ago, I and despise romance. The man. who loves any one but himseir, or values scything more than hard cash, Is an Idiot, and I hope that X am. free from such an extreme of weakness. But to a certain sort of attraction, or fancy, or ad miration, I must plead guilty. Marriage Is a state which la considered by many hard-headed, practical men to have Its advantages, and it did occur to me that If I ever tested It, It would be rather pleasant to do so in partnership with Ada Dart. I had no idea that she was acquainted with the \Vintons. aqd her unexpected presence looked quite like a fatality. If ever, when expecting to find yourself in the midst of strangers, you have discov ered a familiar face among them, you may remember what a pleasant xpvulsloii It caused in your feelings, and how a mere acquaintanceship bore the look of CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY. MAY 6, 1870. intimate friendship by the contrast. ‘What7' sold I, ‘do you know tbo Wintons?’ ‘Yes,’ sbo replied, looking rather aston ished at my tone; ‘I have known them since I was quite a titty thing ; Sarah Wlntoii Is my great ally.’ Bor reply showed an absurdity and tfn undue assumption of intimacy in my ex clamation which would have been very numbing to reflect upon in the presence of most iadids; but Ada Dart was like the sun ; it was impossible to feel cold or numb when she was shining on you, and she always shone; Ido not believe she ever snubbed a poor fellow in her life: She would laugh at him indeed on very slight provocation, but those who wopld have resented ridicule the soonest in any one else were never offended with Ada; no one ever frowned at her, or disliked her, or scolded her, or failed to pet and spoil her single she was first placed in the cradle, I believe. And a ridiculous proverb asserts that beauty is only skin deep! For she was beautiful; even other beauties acknowl edged that. All that" they could do wds tocomparo her with models of a totally distinct style, or to suggest that certalu notural charms might be due to art. 1 She was plump add white as a baby ; each of her large hazel eyes had a distinct soul in it; where other mortals possessed knuckles she bad dimples; her ear was a flower, her—but I dare not dwell on her ohorms, so pray try to imagine them. It is an impossibility, but never mind— try. I could not remain long by her side; the room was full of strangers, with many of whom I had now to form ao quaintance for the first time, even the ladies of the house -being unknown to me. I was eventually paired off with a companion who was much Interested in ■ the 'Catholic "revival, and evidently thought'little.of me after making'the unfortunate discovery that I did not know what colored stole should be word lu ember weeks. My dinner was spoiled by a perpetual dread of speaking with levity of things she reverenced; and if I had not at lost happily hit upon the safe course of violently abusing the Low Church party, I believe that I should have bad dn indigestion. The place X coveted at the side of Ada Dart was filled by Paddy O'Brian, who had a wonderful mid enviable pow er of showing politeness and apparent at tention to the general company, while really attaching himself too selected Indi vidual. I bad met O'Brian at-tbe same parties as Ada, but bad never noticed any particular attentions on his part,— Now, however, he seemed to be estab lishing a flirtation in form, which was serious; for a man may go very far in a public ball-room with comparative im punity, but trifling in a country house is a very different matter. Before the evening was over, I felt cer tain tnat I bad no chance of ‘walking over' for the prize, and also, that she was worth winning ; for Paddy was not the man to court undowered beauty; indeed, be could not afford so romantic a proceed ing. When the ladles retired, the meat of the men repaired to the billiard-room, , where cigars and grog had been provi ded ; but the majority were tired and went to bed early, leaving O'Briau and myself to finish d ggme. ‘Well,’ said he, aa soon as we were alone, ‘X suppose that you and I have been asked down here for the same thing. ‘Oh, yes—the shooting, you mean I,' replied. - ‘Shooting 1 That’s the polite way of paying us. They want us to help them .with their private theatricals.’ ‘Oh, they are going to get up private theatricals, are they ?’ - •‘To be sure, or you would never have been asked to Wlnton Hall—nor I either, faith. X got Hall out of Miss Dart.’ • ‘Who will tell us what to do about scenery, dresses, and all the little de tails ?' said Miss Winliju, when the fami ly took the stage fever badly last Sum mer. ‘Don’t you ! know some papa?’ *1 have it I 1 cried Bir Thomas. ‘One of ■ our Directors is great on the drama ; at least he talks of nothing else, and, tnough not a (Solomon, that seems to he his speciality.’ »v ‘But is he presentable?’ asked Julia Wlnton—Seymour’s girl, you know. ‘O yes,’ replied Sir Thomas; ‘he has paid up on his shares, and he aspirates his A!«, and he has really very fine whiskers!’ ‘Sbut up, O’Briau I’ said 1. 'Do not foist off your own impertinences upon the Innocent. And what were you ask ed here for?’ ‘To act, of course. If it had not been for my success in Sir Lucius O'Trigger at Lady Sock’s I might have goue bung be* fore ever I’d have been a guest in this elegant establishment. Ob, there is no shirking the truth with me, boy; nobody does anything for nothing In this world.’ ■ There was undoubtediya sediment of truth at the bottom of this frothy cyni cism of O’Briou’s; for on the following day, the subject of private theatricals was quietly broached in my presence by the Misses Winton ; and it soon became evident that their heads, and those of the majority of their guests, were running upon nothing else, so that even if the drama had not been my particular, hob by, my sympathetic nature would proba bly have been.carried away by the gene ral excitement. My theatrical tastes had never ns yet led me to take a part in. any performance, and, indeed, of the ladies and men form ing the present company, Ada Dart and O'Brian were the only two who were not about to make their first appearance upon any stage. Of course, these experienced members took a prominent lead, besides necessarily drawn together in a confiden tial way whioh .lt was very unpleasant for me to witness. Jealousy- and envy so stirred my bile that I was inclined to regret the good old days of dueling, when I might have picked a quarrel with my rival, and so bad a chance of removing him from my path. But the way in which the odious * Irishman* knocked over the pheasants and rabbits, and a particular snapshot, fired from the hip, which was fatal to a woodcock,* forqed me to own that there was a deep truth la the Ingenious assertion so constantly repeated in newspaper articles, that pri vate combat is a ‘cowardly practice.’ But I had my turn of being placed en rapport with the entrancing Ada. The fine old hall of Winton Pork was to be our theatre, and it was my particular province to take the best advantage of the many natural facilities of the place ; to arrange about the scenery ; to find out ,wha’* wfl re Hieifirnpprdrcascs Jorthe nlavs wo were to perform, and Ada Dart being the only person whoso counsel was of real service inaoase of difficulty, I was per-, petually obliged to appeal to her. pan gerously intoxicating wore these .confer ences, which, I confess, I moat .needlessly; indeed, I used sometimes to get.up vexatious opposition to her wishes In order to give our discussion a matri monial flavor. Heigh bo I . The ploys selected were ‘ The Bello of Penzance,’ followed by the force of ‘Eyes and Nose/ and the distribution of parts was a. work for Job or Solomon, most of. the company at first declaring their utter Inability fo take the simplest characters,, and coming round gradually to demand ing the principal’roles. Atour first gen eral meeting, it really seemed doubtful Whether It would be possible to coat the mildest and lightest of pieces la the Brit ish repertoire, but at the end of a fort night, If ‘ Othello’ could hove been re written with three Moors, two logos, and four Desdemonas; our little company ‘had stomach for them all.’ When we came to actual trial, however, the powers of each performer got to be estimated by the others at soroewhere>Hbout their right value, and we settled into our places acr cordiugly. I . was oast for Eortesouo, which was too prominent a part for my taste ; for, besides that, on principle, I very much prefer that other people should amuse mo to reversing that proceeding, I hated having so much to learn by heart. That was another odd effect—wo all seemed to have gone, back to school. At every turn in the house and grounds, yon would come upon a young lady or gen tleman, wjth knitted brows, and eym fixed on either earth or sky, muttering. *1 say, Chevers, just hear me my part, like a good fellow, 7 Captain Seymour would say. Then a young lady would make a similar request, and put her hands behind her back while repeating her task, from sheer force of association. Two to one, if, when playing at billiards, the striker, after using the long rest, said : 'Justgive me my cue, please/ some one exclaimed : ‘Hark, they come I* or 'But more of this anon or, ‘Wo will speak further upon the matter/ d In a little time matters began to run smoothly, and we had our first rehearsal. By recalling to mind the different actors 1 bad seen in my part, and endeavoring to Imitate them, X succeeded better than I bad anticipated, and gained considera ble applause. 'But/ said O’Brian, 'you musfshave, you know., The idea of For tescue with those whiskers is too absurd/ Now, my whiskers were black, pen dent, and silky, I •find had cost me an infi nity of trouble. It had token five years of constant care and scientific training to bring them to their present,state of per fection.. Any one without experience In the matter would hardly credit theamount oftimeand labor, nottomention the mere money that I had expended upon them. Little soft brushes, delicate combs, bot tles of a peculiar oil, more delicate than* is ever used for the bead, and called 'Brilliantine/ were appropriated to their service. When I visited my hair-cutter, that artist would deliberate for at least five minutes before he could come to a definite conclusion upon the Important point whether he should take the ‘hernia’ off.- When 1 took my walks abroad at Scarborough, and the breezes fluttered them over my shoulders, scornful indeed was the beauty whose eyes did not light up with admiration as she passed. Even envious men were unable to withhold their tribute of praise. ‘ Chevers, my boy,’ observed Rivers, who has spent his own fortune, and 'is looking out for a wife's, ‘my .figure is twenty thousand ; but, by gad, if I had your face-hair, I’d make it forty!’ Yon may judge of my feelings, then, when it was seriously proposed that I should -shave. I repudiated the notion' with a shuddering earnestness which Seemed to amuse some of the company, and they all set to work to argue me out of my objection to the sacrifice. •They will grow again,’ said one Miss Winter). ■ ‘I am snre Obeevers’ face would look better without them,’ added the other. •Yes ; there is particularly o fine con tour, which is completely hidden at pres ent,’ said O’Brlan. i ‘How do you know that, Paddy?’ ‘Contour or mot,'. said I firmly, ‘if you cannot put, up with a whiskered Fortes cue, some one else must take tbe part.' And to that resolution I stuck.in spite of flattery, persuasion and satire, for three days. And I got it hot; too, at times. First oneand then another male visitor was tried in my part, and found wanting. On the fourth morning, after breakfast, Ada Dart expressed a wish to leaui how to play at billiards. O'Brian was not in the 100 m, and I seized the opportunity of offering my services, which were ac cepted. She had been singularly reticent upon the razor question, a circumstance which led me to nope that she would not have seen tbe sacrifice expected from me without a pang; but now, while I was engaged in the too perilous occupation of teaching her to make a bridge, she then broached the subject, . ... ‘I am so sorry, Mr. Chevers, said she, that you cannot take tbe part of Fortes cue. You must change with Mr. O'Brian; that is the only way in which we can manage it, and even then that will spoil the play.’ <• * ‘ls it- quite necessary that Fortesoue should be'whiskerless?’ I asked faintly. , ‘Why, Judge for yourself; how would a powdered wig look wifh—them ? The worst of it is,’ she added, ‘ that when I undertook the—tbe part of Mails, it was with the supposition that you would be the Fortescue.’ Those who are unacquainted with ‘The Belle of Penzance,’ must be fold that Fortescue is the lover of Maria, and sev eral half complaining and half amorous scenes are enacted between them; know ing this, If they had heard how Ada hes itated, and seen how she blushed as she spoke, they would not wonder that my breath came short, and a singing arose in my ears. My’left hand closed upon the fingers which were forming that bridge ; my right arm stole around her form- X felt Intoxicated by the magnetic halo which floated around her hair. ‘Take care !' she said, 1 1 cannot make my stroke if you come so close.’ 1 X knew there was such a thing as throw lug away a race by making the running ' too early. 'Hit your .own ,b*b ball. Jn tbe exact, centre/ and rather .high,l answered, ‘and you—you would not JlkeO’Bri—that is, any other fellow to, to—take that part, • In fact.’ • ' ' ' _ ‘ I declare I won’t answer you I’ she cried. ‘Of course, I know you, and never saw most of the others’ before, and such things make all the difference, you must know. To be kissed; even to make be lieve, by a man one has seen for the first time a week before, makes one feel ner vous; but there!’ Bcstacy! She classed. O’Briau with the men ‘.she had only known fora week ! ? Then she had hot ‘noticed him in all those parties. And she had noticed, and remembered meJ /, ‘Oh, that you knew ime still better 1 Oh! that it was not make believe I’ Let us rehearse our parts !’\ > ‘Where is the use,’ she murmured, ‘if you will not make $ 'small sacrifice ?’ And she looked so deliciously shy and conscious that I cried in rapture, l l’ll dolt I’ .... ‘What! part with these ?’ and she laid a finger more beautiful than Aurora's on one of my .whiskers. < • Yes.’ \ * You must give me bne as a memento, "•''••A’fl some on** Get up; there's some dne coming!' It was Miss Winton, and Captain Sey mour, who came just In time to prevent a.formal offer, I went off to ray bed room, locked the door, opened out my dressing-case, took out scissors and razor and began the dreadful task. Infatuated, mad that I was, I inserted the expanded points of the fatal shears, gave a convulsive clip; and in half a min ute the carefully tended growth of years fell to the dressing table. I cannot bear to recall how I looked at that moment. AsquicUlyaswas possible l out off the companion whisker, and then shaved my cheeks clean. On my way down stairs I met Sir Thomas, who stopped,staffed, and asked my name. He did not recognlzb me, and young Winton, who was always'late, was breakfasting when I entered the morn ing room. He dropned'p cupof hot coffee over hi? knees, and nearly choked. ' Leaving him In bis misery, I encount ered a young lady visitor, who crammed her pocket handkerchief In her mouth and lied, But It would be tedious to recount the edect I produced on each Individual, member of the household. All, oven the faithless Ada, laughed at my appear ance, except O'Brian, who looked upon my transformation from a purely dra matic point of view. Others wore divid ed as to whether I moat resembled ■ a plucked fowl or a recently shorn sheep, .but the veritable amateur said : ‘Sure he will make an elegant Fortescu.e,’ and struck to that'view of the question.- The company soon got used to the al teration, and the dramatic business now went as smoothly as a band passed .over my cheeks. I had the intoxicating privi lege, the tantalizing element which was tempered by hope, of making second, hand love to Ada In dally rehearsals, UH at last the day of positive performance arrived, . , . ■ . We all knew our parts, but whether we acted them well or not it is difficult to Judge; our audleuce was bound in common politeness to be pleased, and the ffattering applause and profuse congratu- Jettons we received cannot be counted for much. At any rate, everybody seem ed delighted and the whole affair was voted a success. When a fete which has costsome time, thought and labor in the probation is over, a heavy weariness andßepression is apt to weigh upon thepriuolpal actors, and this I believe was the case with the majority of the company assembled at' Winton Hall. But I felt nothing of this. What were private theatricals or balls, past or fu ture, to me? Means to an end, one end —Ada, How could my mind be cloudy if she smiled upon me? How feel de pressed when such hopes elevated me? On the morning following the per formance I woke early with a determina tion to turn mimio courtship into ear nest, and force a plain yea or no from her that very day. To lie In, bed with such a prickle in the pillow' was quite impossible, so I got up, dressed, and ■ wont for a walk. On passing through the garden on my way back to breakfast, I became aware that some one else was also In high spirits, for a well known voice behind me was singing ’Pigs in the Morning/ and on turning the cor ner of which brought me into a little open dell sacred to rhododendrons, .1 came upon O’Brian, wlthTiis hat stuck on the back of his head, executing upas ' seul to a vocal accompaniment. ‘Ah I’ be cried, on seeing me, .'sure you have caught me making a fool of ' myself. But it is a r good thing my t mother’s only son has done for me this fine morning. Congratulate me, my ; boy !’ ‘Certainly/ said I, feeling a little sick ly. ‘What on?’ . 'I am going to be married to the pretti est tittle angel that ever wore boots and bad a nice little sum all at her own dis position into the bargain. Whoop!’ It was too true ; he had stolen a march upon me. I left Winton two hours after wards. Thank you; yes, my whiskers are gradually recovering, and I expect to be able to walk out in daylight in another month or so. At present they are in the biacklugbruah stage. JOSH DUUirflS ON COVBTIN. I don’t know ez I have enny business to say a word on t-hia subject, us ibrly ,skore years have cum and gone since I’ve had any experience ez a luver; but dooty urges me to warn the yuth and I obey. 1 don’t ’spose the immortal guse that wunce saved Rome from destruckshim bed enny idea of the importance of her kakle at that hour ; still she kakled, and her name is handed down in history. I haven’t enny more idee than that guse that my words will be enny effect espeshully to that portion of the human race called luvers. Wun might as well try to stop a locom otive under full hedway by presentin’ his kote tale in the kowketcber as to make a pare of benited-iduvura believe they ain’t rite. . Courtin’ like sailin’ is delightful biz* ness where yu have an open see the wind in yurfayur, and you are boulin’ on tord the pork of matrimony 7ty five note an our. In courtin, however, their is sometime wuser storms to wether than even sailors ever drempt ov ; bed winds and heavy sees in the shape of stern parints ; hld’n rooks and reefs in the form of othr er luvurs, with some chance of being druv onto a lee shore by the gal herself. Yet under ordinary circumstances a luv- Cl -Trill in Jw- U.™ of tin.. 1 por4|’ «f -he le, kontinually on his guard against dangers with one eie to the stalrboard and the other on his big kumpass. A great menny luvurs begin wrong; they think that if they wunce get pinted for the gurl’s hart, it is enuff ;• so they histup anker, crowd on sale, and the fust thing thby kno they are into the breakers, or way out to set under jury masts, with the cousolin refleeshun that the cruise is up. If the gurl is an orphan, and willlu, or if she is of age, with twenty 5 thousand in her own rite, it is safe, kompel her at wunce. But qnless yu have made up your mind to support yurself, partly, at least, never undertake this mode.ov attack on to less than the abuv sum. I hev cum to the konklusion. after Tty nine years bf careful study, that is better to run away with a twenty-five thousand gal than tu try to live on luv and a stern parents kusses exklusivoly. To bo successful in courtin, then, the luver must lurn to navigate bis bark in tu the gal’s; and let me tell yd, fiighin youth, yu have got to cramp navigation to do this? Aftur a luvyr wunce gils over these obstrueshuus into smooth water and fair winds, he can sail into married life like a streak of Jitenin’ down a chestnut tree'. Don’t O, mellow yuth, fall.lu luv with the paint and the gilt on (he outside of yur prise, but learn whether she is see worthy, and If she 4s, get her papers, sign the bill of laden, and launch out In life, a happy cuss. Adieu! Wlmt Sleep Will Cure. The cry for rest has always been much louder than the cry for food. Not that It Is more important, but it la often harder to get. The-best rest comes from sound sleep. Of two men or women, otherwise equal, the one who sleeps the best will •be the most moral, healthy and efficient. Bleep will do much to cure irritability of temper, peevishness, uneasiness. It will restore to vigor an'overworked brain. It will cure insauity. It will build up and make strong a weak body, It will do much to cure dyspepsia, particularly that variety known as nervous dyspepsia. It will relieve the longer and prostration felt by consumptives. It will cure hy pocondrla. It will cure the blues. .It will cure the headache. It .will cure the heartache. It will cure neuralgia. It will cure a broken spirit. It will cure sorrow. Indeed, we might make a long list of nervous maladies that sleep will cure. . The cure of sleeplessness, however, is not so easy, particularly in those who carry grave responsibilities* The habit of Bleeping well is one which, if broken up for any length of time, is not easily regained. Often .a severe illness, treated, by powerful drugs, so deranges the ner vous system that sleep'is never so sweet after it. Or, perhaps, a long-continued watchfulness produces the same effect; or hard study, or too little exercise of the muscular system; nr collce aud whiskey drinking, and tobacco using. To break up the habit are required : 1. A cl.ean bed. 2. Sufficient exercise to produce weari ness, and pleasant occupation. 3. -Good air, and not too warm a room. . 4. Freedom from too'much care. 5. A clean stomach. 0. A clear conscience. 7, Avoidance of stimulants and nar cotics. For those who ore overworked, hag gard, nervous, who pass sleepless nights, we commend the adoption of such habits tie will secifre sleep, otherwise life wlil.be short, and what there Is of it, sadly im perfect.—Herald of Health. A little boy, some six years old, was using bis slate and pencil on a Sunday, when his father, who was a minister, en tered, and said: ‘My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's day.’ ‘I am drawing meeting houses, father,' was the prompt reply. An elderly gentleman, returning hotaae one Sunday night from church, began to extol the merits of the sermon to his son. Said he: ‘Jack, I have heard one of the most delightful sermons ever delivered before a Christian society. It carried me to the gate ofheaven.’ ‘Why didn't you dodge fn 7’ replied Jack; 'y<m will never have another such a chance.’ YOL. 56.—N0. 47 From the LUtlo Corporal. DOTS OF THE OI.DES TIME. BY GRACE GREENWOOD. The head master at this lb r many years, was one Jonah Thompson, a tall, portly man, with a decided military air, In spite of his drab coat and breeches, and broad-brimmed bat. Be used to march his boys to week day meeting In a long, lino of two-by-two. In their play hours, these perverse. lads managed to manufacture a complete set of wooden guns, and to furnish themselves with several small flags. These they secreted in a closet in the academy hall, and took them up as they passed out on the first meeting day. Their grave master stalked before them, as was his custom, never I looking back, so was quite unconscious of the warlike parade made by his school, and of both the laughter and horror it created. It must have been a droll sight, that long line of soberly dressed young Quak ers, shouldering wooden gups and bear ing saucy little flags. Another master in this school was named Hubert Proud. He was a great student, very absent-minded, and so set in the good old ways that he continued to wear a large white •• bush wig,” Ibug after that hideous style of head gear had gone out of fashion. It was a tempting article of dress to the mischievous boys of his school. They liked, when standing, close beside him, while he wrote a copy, or corrected an : example, to give it a sly twitch, and set it awry. At last they contrived to bore a* hole through the ceiling, just overthe master's seat. Then ■ they let down accord, with a fishhook attached, with which they grappled the wig, and drew it suddenly up I As the poor, bald beaded old gentleman felt him self unthatched, and looked up to see his "big wig” sailing away, he must have thought that the days of witchcraft bad come again I At another time, these irrepressible boys stole out at night, took to pieces a large market wagon'that was left near the academy, conveyed it all up to the roof, and actually put it together, on a chimney wall then , being built. Then, they went to bed, and laughed themselves to sleep. The astonishment and perplex ity of the poor countryman, when'be found that bis wagon had “ gone up,” gave these .wicked Boys immense delight. In the street, many a laughing face was turned toward that queer sight,-that odd, clumsy, old market wagon, wheels on. and swinging in its place, apparently only waiting for horses and a driver to start on an air line for Bucks county. There were in this academy four de partments, each with its master, under whom were other teachers, called, as in English schools, ushers. V One of these masters, named John Todd, was a man never forgotten by his pupils. Be was a Quaker of the strictest sort, but by no means a man of peace, in his school. Be thought that the princi ples. of George Fox and William Penn might do for governing men, even In dians, but not boys. A sterner system was required foi 1 them, 'Moral suasion’ didn't suit their case.' He was awfully severe. For sllglit offenses he would content himself with a ringing box on the car, or a rap over the knuckles, but for idleness, disrespect, or insubordina tion, he always resorted to the strap. The centre of the school room was his flogging ground. The boldest boy, when invited to meet him there, was very apt to bang back, modestly; but when there, he was remorselessly, seized by the mas ter, who, witb one foot on a bench, was wont to bend him across his knee, face downward—a most humiliating position. Then the master, with one elbow pressed : UU ttlo uafortnanato UnU,. to keep him steadily iu place, would fling back the protecting coat tails, and vigor ously lay *OO the strap, a thick strip of leather, some fifteen inches long. Some times, in bis haste, he stopped not to lay down on. his desk the long quill pen, with which he happened to be writing, but held it'gripped in his teeth through out the flogging, which is said to have given his face a peculiarly fierce and de termined, expression. Occasionally he would ask, ‘Does it hurt thee?’ and when the answer was yelled out, . *O, yes, teacher, it hurts aw fully 1’ he would say, with a grim smile, ‘That’s right, s tls good for thee; t’ll give thee a little more* Thou shall not want a warming, pan to-night, I'll war rant.thee. Nothing in nature will pre vail upon thee, but my strap.’ There was however, in that school one boy who, for a time, set the.terdble John Todd and his ugly instrument of disci pline at defiance. . He was naturally tough and hardy, perhaps, and he was, •moreover, especially protected by a stout pair of leather breeches. Him the master s'rapped a number of times, lay ing out all his strength, and getting ab solutely purple iu the face with the exer tion. Bui the boy took It all luijardened silence. He would not wince, he would not‘sing out.’ One day, after, quite exhausting' him self at his agreeable duty, tbe master paused in angry astonishment, and ask ed, ‘Does it not hurt thee, at all ? tbou young reprobate I* ‘No,’ shouted the incorrigible young rebel. ‘Cut away.— Hurrah for leather breeches!' The next moment he was thrown sprawling upon the floor by his indig nant master, who exclaimed, still in that terrible, pompous way of his, ‘lntolera ble being! get out of my school! Noth ing in nature is able toprevull upon thee , not even my strap. 1 Thus Tommy Fitch was expelled from the famous Friends 1 School. If he had been allowe'd to remain there, after that triumph over the roaster, every boy in’ the academy would have beset his pa rents for leather breeches; the strap would have fallen into disuse, and the discipline of that venerable institution of learning would have been upset forever. * Tho Friend's School, In Philadelphia, Warning.to Husbands.— Mrs. Cady Stanton, in the devolution, soya; The great want of women at-preaent is boon* ey—money for their personal wants, and money to carryout their plans. I pro* pose that they shall earn,, that they shall consider it as honorable to work for money ns for board, and I demand for them equal pay for equal work. I de mand that the bearing and rearing of children, the most exacting of employ ments, and involving the most terrible risks, shall be the best paid work in the world, and husbands shall treat their wives with at least as much considera tion, and acknowledge them entitled tc as much money os wet nurses. —The-meanlng-of-this is; tbafc-wtv?' about to strike for greenbacks; so . for every baby born. No greenbacks, no more sons and daughters. No green backs, no more population; no more boys to carry.on the great enterprises of the age. The scales of prices for mater nal duties areas follows; Girl Babies. Boy Babies, Twin Babies. Twins (both bojs.) Triplets, Triplets (all boys,) Terms: C. O. D. No credit beyond first child, the motto being " Fay os you go." Husbands who desire to transmit their names to prostority will please no tice. A lady who. inrough the autumn of life, had not lost all dreams of its spring said to Jerrold : ‘I cannot imagine what makes my hair turn gray. I some times fancy it must be the essence of rosemary with whicli my maid is in the habit at brushing it. What do you think?’ ‘I should be afraid, madarae,’ replied the distinguished dramatist, dryly, 'that it is the essence of thym.’ Why Is n sheep the most dissipated and unfortunate of animals? Because be gambols in his youth, frequents the turf, is often a black-leg, and is fleeced annually. Kate© for ADVERTISEMENTS will bo uueTtcd at Ten Gem per line for the first Insertion, and flvo cone per lino for each snbsotinont insertion. Qnar ‘erly half-yearly, and yearly advertisements In serted at a liberal reduction on the. above rates Advertisements should bo accompanied by the Gash. When sent without any length of time specified for publication, they will be continued until ordered out and cnarged accordingly. gauds, handbiua, OiKcui. aits, and every o 1 b er description of Jon and Gaud Printing. ©ms ot literature. Fatal Fall.—An unhealthy autumn. A FAST team—a team stuck in the mud. Something to weep over—a bushel'of onions. A wringing machine—The income [ax. Babies-are described as coupons at tached to the bond of matrimony. Why Is An ugly girl like a black smith's apron ? Because she keeps off the sparks f IAM going to draw this beau into a knot, as the lady said at the bymenial altar. , ‘Boy, what is your name!' ‘Bobort, Sir.’ ‘Yes, but I mean your other name.’ ‘Bob, Sir.’ Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it’s biding of "the sun. A person who had been listening to a very dull address, remarked that every thing went off well—especially the audi ence ! Many a man when he came to paying the bill, found his wife dearer than his sweetheart. Why would i Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so easily briug down the bouse. One of the commonest proofs we have that man, is made of clay, is the brick so often found in his hat! 'Autumn,* says a wag, *ls the time to read big books, because that season turns the leaT&es.* - ‘We are ashamed at the sight of a mon key,* says Charles Lamb, ‘some how—as we are shy of poor relations.* - Lovers resemble armies in some re* spects. They get along very well until they are engaged. What is the difference between a far mer and a bottle of whisky? One hus bands the corn and the other corns the husband. That is a very fine said one negro to another; 'how much did they charge for It ?* the answer. ‘De man wasn’t in de store when I bought it.* WE near d great ueai mure of persons’ dead in love with each other,.'than we do of their living in love with each oth er. ‘What is the chief end of mau?’ ask ed a Sunday-school teacher. ‘The end what’s got the head on,* replied a young un. ‘ls that clock right, over there?’ ask ed a visitor, the other day. ‘Bight over there,’ said the boy; ‘tain’t nowhere else!* When Haddock’s wife kicked him out of bed ho said : 'Look here, now, if you do that again it will be likely to cause a coldness in this family.* Sumner is about to introduce a bill in the Senate to strike the word white iropi the name of the Executive Mansion. At a recent meeting of a London ves try a member proposed that ‘no vehicle or any other animal should be allowed to remain or stand upon any part of the commons.*- A gentleman, in lecturing for the Blind Asylum the other evening, began by gravely remarking: ' ‘lf «vll tUo <vr«*li4 -fora what a melancholy sight it would bo.’ ‘Said on ambitious youth one day to a young lady, VDon’tyou think I had better dye my mustache?’ caiesaing the infant prodigy. ‘I think if you will let it alone ft will die Itself,’ said the lady. A good old quake r lady, after listening to the extravagant yarn of a shopkeeper os long as hei patience would allow, said to him: ’Friend, what a pity it is a sin to lie, it seems so necessary to thy busi ness.' Solon, the great lawgiver of his time, directed that no tomb should bavo an arobed roof, or more work upon it than could be performed by ten men in three days. As a lawyer and a doctor were walking arm in arm a wag said to a friend, 'These two are just equal to one highwayman.' ‘Why ?' was the response. ‘Because it is a lawyer and a doctor—your money or your life.’ What bVougbt you to prison, my col ored friend ! ‘Two constables, sab,’ ■ Yes ; but I mean had intemperance any thing to do with it ? ‘Yes; snh; dey wuz bofe uv 'em druuk.’ Editors do not always think of their smart things on the spur of the moment; .but one of them dq,wn in New England not in a good repartee the other day.— Daniel Pratt, a great bore, came with hla customary introduction; I am the Great American Traveler! ‘Well, travel." was all the reply ho got. ‘You never saw such a happy lot of people as we hod here yesterday,' said a landlady in Indiana to a newly-arrived guest; ‘there were thirteen couples of ’em.’ ‘What, thirteen couples jijst mar ried?’ ‘Oh no, Sir, thirteen couples just divorced !’ Wiiat is a strait ?’ The class looked blan, except one small boy, who said he could tell. . The sohoqlmarm hopeful ly told him to proceed. ‘lt beats two pairs.' Willie P , a little five-year-old. was playing with a honey-bee, when the angry bee stung him. ‘Oh? grandma,’ cried Willie, T didn’t know bees had splinters in their feet!’ In Chicago husbands are said to be so fearful of curtain lectures that they add to their announcement of future move ments the letters,‘W. P.,’ which mean ‘wife permitting.’ John Randolph ouce on araco course was solicited to bet by a stranger who said: ‘Smith here will hold the stakes.’ ‘Just so,’ replied the descendant of Po-i cahontas ; ‘but who'll hold Smith?’ Fun represents a six year old, lu Knickerbockers, sealed in a barber’s •- «n#i to him the bair-dresser says: Me gentleman, ap.d how *e your hair cutV 1 *Ob, lease—with a little round holo’at’tho to'p.' A gentleman was chiding his sou for staying out late at night, and said: ‘ w by. when I was your age, my father would I not allow me to go out of the house after dark.’ ‘Then you'had a deuce of a fath er,’ you had, sneered the young profli gate. The father vociferated, ‘I had a confounded sight better one than you, you young rascal. •Do you mean to challenge the jury ?’ whispered a lawyer to his Irish client.— •Yis,’ bejabers,’ was the answer, ‘if they don’t acquit me, I mean to challenge every spalpeen of ’em: I wont ye to give ’em all a hint of it, too-’ $lOO 200 300 too uou 1,000 Little Frank bad been taught that ho was made of dust. As ho stood by the window watching this element as the wind was whirling it in eddies, he 'exclaimed seriously, *Ma, I thought the dust looked as though there was going to be another little boy made.’ An Irishman, wishing to know some- g thing about the History of the World, asked his friend, who thought he knew a great, ‘Who dlskivered Amerlky,’ to which his wise friend replied, An shure, an I do not remember his name, but ho was a Yankee, and was barned In Phila delphia,’ JOB PRINTING.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers