n Volunteer sVnurin :bd evebv rikußsUAY Monsmu by| 'i ,A.TTON KENNEDY. JE-.SOCTII ISABKET SQUARE. .—Two Dollars per year If paid Htrlotly ue; Two Indian* and Fifty Cents If paid fee month*; alter which Three Dollars treed. Them* Utrmn will be rigidly ad i every IqhUidiw. No *uli«crlpUon dls untll all arrearages are paid, unless ni ol the Editor. ~ rofefiotonal 4Sarbo. IOmi.OU/ I PA HKK KICU & PABKEB, ATTORNEYS AT LA W* Mato Btioet, ia Marlou Hall. Car jsDee. ‘24.1808 — fto U N COHN MAN, yM: -'a ttobney at la w. |' : Offlco in hnlhllnu attached tu Pmnhlln Konso toipuoalt'- the Court Houae, Carlisle, Pa. KJtino 4 ItdlS.-ly - JhHAti. E. MAULiAUUHLIN, Attok l; inm at La wf omoo lu Building furmerly SoeuuieU toy Volunteer, u few doors South of Wet- Bel's Hotel. fftDeo. I. l*U5 fx K. BKLTZiauUVIiK, ArroKKKY ij . ANUOuUWBKW'hA'J LAW, UlWHa|»» tV^.Vr^ jbiJtf uu South Humivwr street, «PP UB ‘^ Lore. Uy special aruuigumoni will* the luloui 5j^ CO| utteuda to securing Auteui lUghia. |jjec. l, l«» 5. Ip UUKTZ, UTOUNE'Y a T LAW, NEWVILLE, PjdNN'A. hum ts, tensions aud other claims attended to. May '£)» twJo. 1 ‘ , _ feuHN H. MILLEH, Attorney at |||i I oitlue in v\ eizoTa Huudiuy, opposite ggfiirt Court House, oarMtvj u * H. *r#J. ______ . ftl .l U. HERMAN, attorney at Law. i(V| oitleo tu Uuopiu’i. Hull building, in tlm ru!.. m Uivltkiurt. llouso, next dour to the “Her- JUd" Uillce, Curiudo, Beimu. Jjec. i. IMJS. _ itum. J. SHEARER. Attorni;Y and IW COUWJKRRoU AT RAW, lias lomovcd Ills Stflo, to Hie tßtbert. unoccupied room tu Dm tj,„rtb East cornet of tllo Rout I House, S Jan. r». Till— Iv __ |\\r KENNEDY, Attorney at Law IW Carlisle, I’lmua., Olllce same as Unit o t A * uu ncan Voluutcor,” aoutk sldo ul tlm Bub- Ho riauare. P« 1 ISWI ' Hj NITEU STATES CLAIM AND WJiEAL ESTA TE A O ENCY! I \V M. B. BUTLEII, W ATTOUNBY AT LAW. ifftfilceln 2*l Story ot lumurn Hu iid my, No. 3South fsHunovor Street, Carlisle, Cumberland comity, I' Pensions, bounties,.Back Pay. «c„ promptly | M ATOll«llon8 by mull, will receive Immediate fYSlcuVuruttentlon given to the “"‘nBOJ""- |i nL , 0 f iils.il IShUU**, In town or cuuntij. lu all I tern of Inquiry, please enclose posture slump. I July U.W—tf ___ r\U. GKOH.UK ti. riKAIUGHT, Dun- I I riST. t'rtnn the HalUimnt t,\ilU-uc uj ■X-' oUluu nt the residence of his mother Sffiutherrttrcot, three duor» below Bedlord Carlisle, Pe»mo, Dee. I. !««>*>• ■jgat# anti (ttapsi 4| U' RESJd BUM lIKBAHH 1 V A L m i- OF ALL Tine iVBIK BTYLKN : of HATBAND CAPS. ; rrh« nnhsprlbor has Just opened at No. 15 Nar{ h ' TTannver direct, a few doors North of the Carlisle Deposit Bunk, one of the ftiuUieHl Stocks of HATS ami 13APS ever offered in uirhah • at ?M;S stautly on hand ami made to order, all warrant «d to tflve satisfaction. A full assortment of MEN’S, BOY’S, AND „ * CHILDREN’S. HATS. I have also added to my Stock, notions of differ TVmlS' AND OEtITLEMEN'S STOCKINGS, .V«* Tie.. “'“‘’Kneiu' I'l.rcud, IVM %uHng Silk, Umbrellas, do PRIME SEGARB AND TOBACCO ALWAYS HAND, owe mo a call, and exalpfoe my stock as I feel conlldout of pleasing aiW m&hlcs saving you rao ney ‘ JOHN A. KELLKU. Afjmt, Nor IQ North Hanover street. May 1809. JJATS AND CAPS I DO YOU WANT A NICE HAT OR CAP ? if so. Don't fail to Call on J. G. C A LUO , £TO A 20. WES 7 AfAIX STREET, Wbei‘6«Btn-be«c6n the finest assortment of HATS AND CAPS •vor bronchi to<3wrll«la. He tabes great pleas- In Inviting his util frlemls and uuslmiiers and all new ones, ui his splendid stuck Just re- Jolied from Now York and Philadelphia, con slating In part of fin© SILK AND OASRIMERE HATS. besides an endless variety of Hats ami Caps o fh© latest style* all “I which he will i-ell ul Ih £twS oath Price*. Also, his own monuiactm of Hats always on hand, and HATS MANUFACTURED TO ORDER. ■He bus the neat arrangement for coloring,Hals snrl all kindsof Woolen floods, Ovorcouto, jfto.,nl the shortest notice (a« he colors overy vveck/ftjm 1 on the most reasonable terms. Also, a fine lot oi aholce brands of TOBACCO AND CIGARS always on Imml. Ho desires to call theattcmio ■to peraoua who have COUNTRY FURS to sell, as he pays the highest cash prices for the B o'lvi him a call, at the above number, his old stand, as ho feels oouUdenl of giving entire satis faction. Mi/ 1 <-n. i&rorcrirsi. T> KKS m“ O'UuOjsiiti jj.6J!~! Fkßc> H J 1 GROCERIES !l Always to he had at the CHEAP STORE, NO si EAST POMFRET STREET And why are they always fresh? hccaufel sell a areal amount of them, ami eell them low. Therefore. I urn my stockotten.aud consequent' ly my KO«»rt8 mu«l he fresh. You willflndevurythlUKyou wlnUmthewn> ol GROCERIES. WILLOW AT’D CEDAR WARE. STONE AND CROCKERY WARE, anfl no-rod to NOTIONS. U Is usolcw to mention them, come and eea for yourselves; and parents tf It don t sul t J iome. send Vour children, ns they will be dealt with, with the Hama care ns U you were here yourself. All kinds of COUNTRY PRODUCE • autn In .xcliaog or goods, or cash SOOB LBS. BUOKWHE T FLOUR, ’ of too nnwt quality on hand, wblob I soil by the Tb. or lOy lbs. RETURN ALL UNSATISFACTORY GOODS. GEO. B. HOFFMAN, r ' J4F^iw 1 5 £ . R J >A. ET ~~ BY BRATTON & KENNEDY. WBtrUanrnu« WE A "RE DOMING I:4 Ziv jog. /6 \ it).o fz'OT - • (bi'il weeMCst t« Art t'ocrrttt. (a !«l >3ll, 1-iCWVi 03c«o/bij'l wnm DU'ufUwitcbuMtf.] ONCE MOKE WiT II A NEW tfPRINC STOCK ' IN OUR GREAT ONE DOLLAR SALE OR DRV AND NANCY GOODS, CUTLERY Ac., Ac PREMIUM RATES OFSHEETINO For Club Thirty; Ul Yds. ShceMng’ “ “ Sixty, 42 Yds. BhoelliiK* “ •• One Hundred, fio Yds. Sheeting* All other premiums In same v*« • Knlnrgrd hxchuvne Li* l , with ne* and useful ar ticles. See new Circular and sample. Sent to any address free. «S- Please send your money by registered letter. Address to J. S. HAW Eh a- CO.. I2H A 130 Federal Street, Boston, Mass. P. O. Pox C. April 15 CI ENTS WANTED FOR THE Secret History OF THE confederacy; The u* ountmig ie\* .at.«<!•«* aim m.i.h.iiu illk* closures, made In th is woi k are ei eating the most intense desire In the minds of the people to ob lain It. Tile secret jtahHcal {utrlgto-*, d'c.. of Davis and other confederate leaders, with the HUl'hu Behind iheSrencsmKicbmond,” are thoroughly venWafrd. Bend fort’ircu urs and mh<> our terms, and a full description of ih** work. Address NATIONAL PUBLISHING CO.. May 13, UjiO—4t Philadelphia, Pa, TTTH Y NOT MAKE MONEY WITH W OURHTENCIL * NI'KF.Y CHECK OUT- FlT.and by selling novelandatua tlvourtlclcsl Circulars free. • „ kTAPFoRD MFG. CO., 66 Fulton street, New York . May 13. IfMW-Ot WANTED -AGENTS.— " Wonder of Ihe World:" ib warranted to eure Rheu innt sni and Neuralgia. Hold on the paakage system. Not to ho paid for until tested, I pay SUO per mouth and commission, to IMrlbute pack«*uen. J.C. TK.TON, May IS. IWffl—U Pittsburg, Pa. . 1 Ani'os23o per Month Guaranteed ih I UU SUUE PAY.—sh>hirlea paid weekly to Vtiri,7.a everywhere, netlm« «>ur Patent Xu-rlmi ;»i7» White. Wire t Imhe* I.inr*. rallm or write lur pirtlculurnto'he GIHAdD WIRE N ivth Third street, Ph.ladelphl/u-., May 13, it < Jacob f 1 7 0 • I. rattual , N - • • i*tif|lral TUB I.irn.K BVI.PRIT, From the school-house old and gray Under branches pinlcw.’lh May, Clatter, patter, all together. Little feet have hurried out, Echoing with their noise and rout. Through jhe brooding sprlng-llmo weather, Pohed uncertainly between April rlond nml Mimmcr sheen. Half enamored of delay. Only one poor little drone, Silent, sullen, slays alone. With hi hook unheeded lying Near 'ho useless, broken slate In a storm of rage and halo Flung at random on the floor. Proud, rebellious, obstinate. For a weary while before » He has, waited, vainly trying To repress the tears that rise In the angry bahy eyes, Well enough It Is to plav, All tho golden hours away ; Well enough unlucky seorner Of the school-room's common law Idle curve and line to draw. While the classes read and spell; But when work W fairly done, To he left iho only one, In ndnrk and dusty corner, Surely Is not quite as well I Naught for note of time has he Save a neighboring apple.tree. That >i lengthened shadow swinging Nearer, clem or, through the hour. Tracery of leaf and flower Marks upon tho wuU so plain, Almost seems It ho can see On tho bough tbo eager boo To the shaken blossom, clinging, ’Mid tho breezy pelal-ratn. O you naughty Uttlee'.f Punishing your silly self. While the sun Is well nigh setting! I)o you fancy Hob will wait All tho evening by the gate With his bout upon the shelf? Let the ready tears have way! Seek forgiveness while you may, Lest you And yourself regretting A repentance come 100 lute. dlilsrrlliuifons. IIICAUN Jt'KO.TI TUP Lll'p 31 r. John Molt h hifltcuKy Less than forty yours ago, in a certain West-country town of i ngland. lived Mr. John Su»tt, head of llie conslab dury, so astute a tldef-calchc I ’, that Ids friends thought'it u pity ImHiould throw his wit away upon provincial vagabonds, and not give Ll-em broad and noble scope ana How Street runner. His .enemies, the local scoundrels, thouuht the same ; but contented themselves with observing ouikly that ‘he was so sharp that he would one day cut himscll,’ or that * lie wn« 100 clever to live.* In spite of these Intellectual advantages,* rtn consequence of them, Mr. Molt was ns vain as a pca cocU, uml'imnle the not uncommon mis take himself even a cleverer fellow than he really was. He kept the little town (for it. wan a MUleone then) so clear, of evil doers, and got so eompli mooted thereupon by the be ch of n ajr i-trates, that he could not conceive that any misdemeanor <*nuld ho commhtcd which I is sagacity should he unable to f rret out, or should mil to bring it home to the culprit. ‘ I don't pretend for to say,’ was one of bis favorite remarks, ‘ as I was never puzzled in my prolession, but this I wilt my, as no man ever took me in twice;' anti then be would resume bis pipe with the Air of a man who has mod estly confessed to a weakness which no other person would dream of attribut ing to him. Even his wife believed in Mr. John Kloti, and so doubtless would his vulot de chambre, if he had huppued to have kept one. ‘Burglary at Bir T Robert Air’s last nigM,’ saiiidie senlenth usly, as he sat smoking after supper in Ms snug Ilf• le parlor, one summer evening, while h 5« wife mixed his gin-punch alter his own parthui ai receipt. • Yon have got Hie wretches, of course ' oUservu) Mrs. Bt«.tt, patin- the lemon peel so that you could see through it, * or else it would not he my John.' ‘ Well, no,* returned llm gieat man. rigidly approad lag the last observation as a compliment lather than an expres sion of doubt us to his personal Ideality. • The fact ia. it’s very queer; but I have not got the wretches. I shall have them to-morrow, but at present they lire übuo lot* ly at large.' ’• ‘ Lor. Join* ! lean scarcely believe you when you tell me. Why, bow on earth could they have got away from yon? They could not have been ordinary bur glars.’ • Yon are right, ma'am,’ returned the chief constable, with u gratified look; • V oti have hit the nail exactly on the head. • They were not oidinary men; they were acrobats.’ • Acrobats,’ answered Mrs. Stott softly ; »dear me!’ She had no very accurate idea what ‘acrobats’ wer- ; they might he a religi nfis heel, or they might be a savage in bp, or possibly even botli. But she l,j H | hmg passed for a woman of ser.su amt sagacity, through malntaininga dis- Pride silence, except when her husband's ia cnis seemed to demand lier eulogies, ami she was not uoimr to risk that tepti laiion now. She had a foil share of the eurloshy of her sex, hot she had mpre than iheir or<lhm»y palieuce. Bhp want ed to he Intormeii upon the subject in iinestion witlioiu hazarding the remark which occurred to her, that accrohu's had while hail and pink eyes, and there fore could at )ea.-i he easily recognized by Ll«e constabulary ; ami slie had not to wail IOUg. • Yes It must have been them Tum blers,’ mused Air Btott.tdpplng ills punch out of toe teaspoon ; ‘ find less than three and the boy could never have done It—' fr was her Ladyship's dressing-room window, as looks out m the back, as they broke in It, and no ladder could have been put there because ot the flow* er-staud. it must have been that IUUe devil in the tights amt spangles at top ol thp Uirep other. 1 have meas red the height froip (pe ground. and it just tal lies. That’s wjiat comeii.of g)h wingllmm itinerants to he in Hie place at «|l. The idea of Hie mayor Jetting them have i he Town Hall to show their tricks in ! I’d put a stop to every tiling of Ilia! sort, if 1 had my way : and 1 will do it 100, in fu ture. 1 • But you would not interfere with Mr. Blmw John I do hone, since he has been so plea-apt and ciyil. r • No, ma’am, po. Mr. Show |s jj pian of science; in Ids line, and wind is more, a tnu'i of substance. Mr. Bimw’s exhi bition is Itinerant, it is true, hut Unit is front the necessity of the case. His col lection of w|ld animals is interesting in the highest dpgree, as the rector was oh serving to me only yesterday. But them acrobats are another matter, H wever, litpom as they are, they must run tv'UUo faster, and climb » little higher, I .can ponnise them, before thpy get put of the reach of J oil n Blott.' • • Thev stood upon one onothers shoul ders and the boy clambered up them, T suppose?’ ... , . • Yes, ma’am, that was their ingenious method, and iftbey h.ni hud to do wlfh u ( oimnon mind ■ though I .say it who should not.say it—Die manner in which the tiling was done would have remain ed a mvst“iy. If » luthier would have been used,,H must needs have made some murk upon the mignonette box* My men were all agape ji'hgp I staled that elicumsiunce, and begun looking UP it* ti e air, as though some lord bad done |r. Bid, <d conisc, when J said ‘ Them Tumble!*!’ they saw ever* thing clear . nongh. Sir Robert, who ussiMed our iuyeaU^aiijus iu pencil, woy>o fccod ua CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY. MAY 27, 1869: to p»y that | remind him of Christopher Columbus mid bln egg.’ * Y«*u don’t pay ho I’ said Mrs. FMott t admiringly, and wondering within-her s» If what’that story won, and whether Mr. Christopher Columbus could have possUd* been an oviparous animal. — * And did her ladyship lone much?’ •Some rings ami pins, ami three or four pounds in gold. Curiously enough, there was a bundle of bank notes upon lbi-dressing-table,which entirely escaped the young rogue’s attention, or her lass would have been much mote serious.’ ‘Ami yet lie wn« sueh a frank-faced, honest lo >kh»g little fellow, tlmt 1 never should Imve thought harm of him,’ said good munred Mrs. Stott, ‘but of course you’re right* 1 * Well, most probably,’ observed her Lord and muster with ashortdry chuck le. *By ten o’clock tomorrow morning, when the ju-tices meet, we shall have ibis honest .looking, young gentleman and Ms fiiend in the Town Hall taking pint in a ptifdic performance of another kind than that with which they favored (he town lust week. And then we shall h e what we shall see.’ Mr. Stott arose, took his ofUcial hat down from, its peg, and prepared to go hisionndH, a nightly precaution lie sel dom omitted, not withstanding I lie ah; senee of ull native criminals fro n his strictly preserved territory ; as for the ac .robuts, they had lied with the llrsl dawn ol morning, and weie not llkelv to return til they were brought hack ; hut lie hud despatched two of ids small * force' in pursuit of them, and lienee there was the nio'e need for Ids peisomd vigilance. * 1 shall be back at two, as usual,* iny dear, it not before,’ said Mr John St(^.^j About two A- M.. from long habityHro* wil'eot tile chief-constable was accustom ed to awake and presently hear her hus band’s heavy fool full coming up tile stairs; but upon the present occasion there was no such welcome sound. She >ut up in bed with her nightcap lucked behind her ears, and listened attentively, but in vain for him. Not withstanding Ids precarious culling, Mr. JSlolt was a model ol punctuality.and us Time which in her opinion was almost the only thing that could do it—went on without him, she began to be seriously alarmed lest tliis admirable man, wh in human inge nuity bad never yet bafllled, hud bean overwhelmed b\ envious fate. There had bee:, thunder in the air that niuht and a bolt might have struck Idm. lint a' daylight she heard the front door op>>n.‘an i a slow tread came up llu*stairs l lie wife of a chief-cons.able should be above the suspicion of trepidation, but it was so ui,like his ordinary step that it made her heart go pit a pat. However, it was her husband, whose noble spuit soniHh ng had evidently ca-l down. In stead of kicking Ids (mots across tlie ro- ni as usual, lie drew them oil* and t'.en sat in ids stockings, thinking. ‘John/ said site, in much confusion and alarm; ‘wait /« tin* matter, my dear? Have yon,not caught them alba trosses? I mean albino-.' * Y *s, iim'ain, they re Mile enough. Hut (he dene** of l» is that in their absence— there has been Miolher burglary. Mrs- Colonel Peewitt’s hmisi- hu* been broken into just in the same way-through the second floor h:u*U window. It’s nothing less than inuifiu, for Unit had a mugnon elle box, and there is no mark of a in I tier to he lon mi there, neither. IvV hint my bull’s-eye over eveiy square ineh of ‘ Lor, John ! ‘There was nobody in the room/went < on the chief-constable musing,‘ami the window was bpeti, sp ihat the tiling might have been done easy enough, when lie had once got there. Put how tie ever d»d get there—that’s the question— unless the devil had wings.’ • Bnt tin-devil lias wings!’ was Mrs- Stott's in voluntary exclamation; the good 1 oly was so flustered by her anxiety that for once she spoke in u hurry. » You will preienlly cause me to imag ine ilmt I hav-* made a second mistake in niv life, ma’am in the having mar ried a fool,’ was her husband’s stern re joinder. Then he went on soliloquizing. •The thief, whoever he was, look the same tilings—rings and pins, and such like; hut he also look a plated ink-stand. That looks as if lie did not know his trade. And yet to have effected an en trance just where nob >by would have thought midi a thing pruciicub'e, he must have been uncommon cunning.— Cunning? No. for then I fhould see the thing as plain ns the church lo«or. # Its downright unnec .untable. How is it hmminlv possible that things can he stole out of a u econd story window without a ladder, or anything to climb tin by, un less it he n water-spout that’s what f want to know. And wat’s more, even If he got up, liow did lie get down a. am ?’ Hearing these remarks made aloud, ami In an interrogative form, Mrs. Bcott thought It incumbent upon her to speak, mid the more so, ns she inid in eniou-ly elaborated a theory of tier own to account for the mystery. .* If nobody could have got in from (lie Outside, John, people as was inside could have done h easy enough. It was one of them irapezlngservaiit girls, who dresses so line, and is always wanting money hi hoy gewgaws, you may, take my word for it/ , , ‘ I don’t suppose, ma'am,* returned the chief-emirttahie, with siipreme*c*omempt, ‘ that the bench of Justices would ‘ take your word for it/ even if I whh weak enough to do ho— which I am not. The -ervunta are all above suspicion, both at Sir Robert's am! Mrs. Peewit’s—that was the first thing as we looked tool course. But ev»-n if it were olheiwlse. do you suppose (hat tlilevln/ is an epidemic, that it should break out in one ho isehold to day, -mi in another to-morrow, as this has done? Y-qt hud belter go to sleep, ma'am, and leave me to think the mat ter out .alone/ Whieh, accordingly, tliis great man. having drawn his night cap on. the better to consider in. proceed ed 1 tods Two burglaries on two fol lowing nights, in a town under ills per sonal hujm riutendence, ami .nobody yet in custody! He never imagined that such a hint could befall ids ’scutcheon ! It was not Impossible, in a town so slen derly guarded, that a ladder might have been• employed without detection, hut, most certainly In neither of these ca>e» hud Hindi an instill eiitheen used. The flower-hoxea had, in both Instances, pro jected beyond the sill, ho that the top of any ladder must have rested on them,and left its mark. There was also no trace of the font of U in the soil helow-or sign of an all* inpt to remove such trace—al though In the case of Sir Robert's house, there was a flowerbed immediately be neath the window ’ Itfr. Stott, in short brought nil is intelligence to hegr upon tids problem In vain, and nothing canio of It hut headache. Next day, the whole town was ln fc a state of intense ulartn. The previous robbery had created much excitement among the inhabitants, hut not ho much on aeSumt of the crime as of the saga cious manner In which their tdijef-pop stable hud discovered the mode of depre dation : but now, not only had a second outrage been committed, hut the fact of Its occurrence while Hie acrobats were away proved their innocence of this par ticular offende (though the magistrates, not Knowing l ow else to account for their seizure committed them for a mouth, an rogues i>ud vagabonds,) and negative Mr. John Stott’s solution of the riddle alto gether. The chairman of tbp who hud been accustomed to suck that i (llelal’s brains before addressing his au dience in the Town Hull, had nothingto sav upon the Piilj<ct except to recom mend p'-ople to shut their second floor windows, which, since h was very warm weather, and most of them cultivated flower-boxes, did not glvo general satis faction. The next night, the mayor’s own house was robbed in a precisely similar nmti i > e i*. ' Jtwiison a Friday, and the local pa pers which came out the next **uy pub lished second and iliird editions, to tie sc the tlie details. Besides the burglary, u WV of fcucrile*? had Ma commuted* — yp The thief had acctnatly possessed him self of the Mtddci|Jal MuceJ Tide beau- UfaJsPblecfc* although not intrinsically greed, fop lie had drugged it out of its case as tar as the \virdo\,and thence let it fad with a report tied h id ilarmed the house, dinted the ground below.— Wben the door’was opened, however, (which the servants decdncd »o do, un til the * pr* per tftfcJxnrilics' arrived,) the mnurader had viyftished, and with him lids emblem of ‘authority, as well as a pair of Ids Lordship's hoot-honks. There happened to he nothing kept in the room lull the mayot°H boots and the town mace. But the incident was, of course, as dist'esslng to Mr J« im Stott ns though Die regalia hud been plundered. He felt that Ids great reputation was giving Way under these repealed shocks; while the teal of ti e constabulary were, of course, overwhelmed with disgrace; ami the Tory newspapers openly advocated ‘stringent measures’ and the calling out of the Yeomanry. * I suppose,’ sighed Ids wife, upon tlds Saturday afternoon, * there is no chance of your going , with mo to-idghl to the Show? And yet it seems such a pity, after that civil Mr. s-lmw lias sent u» these tickets; and you know I never en joy anything—let it lie wild beaslessess, or what not—without, you. John. How fine they look, with tlds picluieof the don and Die unicorn—though the till) says as the unicorn U «le»d—with &haw'a Show, ' patronized by all tlie crowned heads of Europe,’ and, admit the hearer, with Ids antnograph in the corner, in red ink ! Why, the mayor a own invita tions are not .more splendid.’ j ‘‘Don’t talk of the mayor, woman, for that makes me t ink of the mace,’ repli ed tier husband, with a shiver. 4 I don l want to see any allow but one, and that’s tlie man that stole that mace with a pu*r of liundeulls on him or wind would lie better stilt, a standing underneath a bit of wood, with a rope round Ids imck, and a parson by Ids side. Upon my life, I •sometimes wonder if the devil hlmseil is not a doing on i( all, to vex me.’ 4 Lor, John, you make me cieep !’ 4 Well. I can’t make yon Jhf, I reckon.’ leplled Mr. Stott, surhy ; • and yet that's wind tlds fel ow c n do, confound him ! He’s like a bird of the air—a blid of prey.’ ‘ Well, John, do you know I can’t help sometimes thinking—only I would have mentioned it onU you had-that, per haps, after all it foa bird! Y«»u know a magpie is a thief u v nattfh«.’ 4 And so yon suppose a magpie could have stolen tluf town mace, do you? Why, you are a greater loot than the newspapers ’ • I forgot the mace, John,’ observed Mr-. Stott., humbly. ‘ I wish I could forget It, T growled the chief constable. * You had better put on your b-'iinel and take my ticket round tlie corner to Mrrt, Jone**, who will bo I glad enough to goMitli you. only mke care Shaw don’t keep you both, ami pm y uin a cage for a pair of owls. There i am sorry to be so rude, Mrs. Stott ; but the Incl’iß, I leel us though I shad go out . of my mind unless I tack le this mysiciy : . and I must be left, alone to think it out.' So Mrs. Stott, obedient wife a-* she was. attired herself in gorgeous apparel, and accompanied by her friend and neigh Imr. the parish doctor’s wife, honored Mr. Shaw’s mennuerie with her pie-.ei.ee It wusuHortof let-*. which that practical student of Natmul HNorv (which, in cluded some knowledge of mankind} had given t * tiieinhabkanlsof the t wn. and everything was on a splendid scale. Tin show was lit up by .rows of chandeliers, made of clrculets of wood and candles, from the latter of which, as they of ne cessity hung very low, the tallow drip ped upon the heads of the company ; but that was not found out tin the next morning. The floor and cages had 1-ecn thoroughly swept ami varnished, and some attempt even made, by means of unguents and spices (or. in other words, chlorate of lime,) to mitigate (he *-.hV that hangs about all establi hun-nls -!*••* voted to the wild beasts. But it mtt>i be confessed that Hd» lasi refinement wa- a failure—it was like the jar of of.fw\ which, ‘do what you will, the scent of the roses would ellti r to it still / only in tills case the perfume was the result ol a couv illation; tliuh.vona nod musk-rat, the nyai Bengal liver and the mamiost, each contribute ln place ol the usual showman. Mr. Shaw him* self, witr» an elegant while wand, point ed nut- tlm various objects of Interest, ex plained their iuddts.’aml narrated ancc doles of their extraordinary sagacity.-- The monkey-cages, as usual, were the chief all ruction ; their innocent gamhoh, and tin* remarkable penchant they exhib ited for biting each other’s tails, were tiie a (miration ol tin* beholders. Mr--. Stott white regar ting these parodies up on mankind with a contemplative uir, was very nearly—indeed literally within half an ineh or bo— paying a great penal ty for her philosophic abstraction. A rihhed-fuce baboon of giganiip size, look ing not uttiike one of Mr. Cooper’s Indl an heroes in his\v»r-paint f .im»deuanalch at tier Augers, wltle . loaded with ring**, happened to tic ungloved, for she had just been taking ref eshments. * Your chat ms even vanquish the brute creation, Mrs. .Stott,*'observed the clerk to the magistrates gallantly j ‘the en amored unimui seeks your hand/ ‘ Yes ; hut like tile rest of the male box, for what is in it. or on I'/ replied Mry. Jones, who hud been an heiress in a small way, till Iter bus' and removed from her that invidious distinction by spending all her money. It was I A. M., and the chlef : const«- hie’s wife had heed in bed since mid night, hut sue had tc t yet lahen asleep* Sue was awaiting the arrival of Mr. Stott, (ti hope that lie might In'i'C some good news to tell her, or to comfort him with ner sympathy in case lie hadn't. It was a beautiful night and she hud left the Window 'pen, through which Hie soft fresh air came great fully enough .ufter.ilie atmosphere of the menagerie She would bo able to catch the majestic footfall other lord while it wa-yet a great way ‘oft*, and she was listening for it.— Presently, through the deep summer stillness sounded a human step, which albeit not that she was expecting, seem ed familiar toiler. It wns a'step which, although it moved with qulcknes-q had a slight limp, such us she ila 1 noticed In (lie gate of Mr. Simw. Tet he hud him self assured her that ho was a mutt of early habits, and always shut his house on wlit-els be ore twelve o’clock. It was most likely that on the night of hta fete, of all nights, he should have made an exception to this salutary practice, and yt-tshe knew no other step than his Ijlce Uiut stop. It beneath the win dow, ami then there was a gliding, scram bling noise, as though something were struggling up the watei-pipe. that ran down the house, and she felt at once that t*-e mastery of the several limits was about (o lie solved. * tike wiis frightened, of course, but site fljd pot shut her eyes and pm her hi ad under the bed-uiotheu, as nio»t ladies would have done - under (lie circumstan ces; on the contrary, she stared so hard at the window that the side Seemed to meet, and leave no window ut all. Cer tain was it that the space had become obscured by the presence of the maraud er? Ye« that was it, ami wnat a ma rauder.' . Tim (ace ot the intruder she could not catch, hut she w»w that he was quite black, very'inadequately attired, and provided with a icing tail. The lute im prudent reply of her to her husband, * But tlie devil lias wings/ came Into her iiiiiidvvitn terrible emphasis. No won der that even tlie uhiei-cftnslable's vigl ieiice hud faded to „ • Ah, that lace! There was no mifituk ing those very striking marked features! It was without doubt, tier lute almircr, tlie iibht*d-(aced ha oon ; and whether from niotlves of delicacy or feur, Mrs. Htolt diti dive under tlie bed-clothes then, with out her no-e It-ft nut to breathe through, like toedi-phant when under wuiei, as Mr. Shuw had lost no-lively in formed her not ibreq boom *go. IWiitor. She could hear a lillio, however, ns well ns breathe; and she distinctly caught the quiet chuckle of her visitor, and the chinch of her rings as he swept them off tlie dressing-table with bis hairy paws. Presently there was a shrill whistle from below, and tlie chuckling ceased ; am) then came the sliding, scrambling sound again. Tlie ribbed-faced baboon bad put the rings In Ms mouth—having no pock et—and -lid down tlie wntei-»*poul. to his muster with the spoil. ’John, 1 cried Mrs. Stmt, when tin* a chief-eonstable pill in Ids bmg;Wished-for appearance, ami as soon ns fie got inside t)ui door, • I’ve found it all out 4 Pshaw ’’ said her husband contemptu ously. * Lor,’ cried she. 4 well you are a won der. How ever did you llnd-out it was Mr. Shaw and ins ribbed fuce-baloon.’ * Never you ndnd, ma'am,’ rejoined Mr. Stott with ins old confident air; ’ I have found (tout. And now let me hear how far your testimony goes in corrobo ration nidi my views.’ r fhe next day, 4 from information re celved,’as he darkly hinted the chief constable apprehended the keeper of the menagerie, and searched ids house on wheels with HUlllclent effect that u!i the stolen property was recovered. Mr Shaw, it appeared.bad trained the ribbed faced balloon to climb up water-spouts and sweep from dressim -tables all arti cles that glittered, which accounted lor ids taking the putted inkstan I lind tlie municipal mace. If ids education had been suffered to progress, lie would doubtless in time imve been taught to curry olfbunk notes and railway divi deads. But, thanks to Mrs. Stott, ids occupation was henceforth- gone. Tlie ehiei-coiistuble, however, gofdl the cred it for tlie discovery.and was held hy eve rybody, including Id- wile, iiijldgiier esti mation lor sagacity than ever. It \\a> true 'hat he hud been at fault atlhsi, and in more than one instance; but then, as lie himself observed : 1 I may still say as no man ever took me in twice--tor this was not a man ; but a liupe.* Tiie above curious incident happened at Shiewshurry in 1834, ami w «» with out. doubt the circumstance on which Edgar Poe found Ida,famous story 'li»\ Murder in Hue Morfjuc . A writer beaut.fully treats this subject as follows: It is astonishing with whst rapidity lime passes away; how I lie days, tin* weeks, ihe months and Hie years roll round, carrying with them the life, beau ty and hopes of this world into a vast un i unknown future. It seems hu a short time, indeed, since we all felt uod i njoyed the springs and buoyancy of youth, the delights of home, the Influen ces of paternal (<»ve, the society and coun sel of friends, who now. sleep in the grave ; and yet some of uu are aged, and me majority have attuii ed to mature manhood. The young, of the present generation are glowing up around us, hut in our youth we knew them not.— While we have been passing on, in the direction of (tie grave, (hey have sprung up to occupy our places and follow rapid (\ in the rear. Before ur we see the amd tottenne along in'their feebleness, and (■■-uiing upon (he stalls ; behind us is the \-Mith fhi-hed with promise, and (he in hint pia'Uhig in ilh mother's arm.- ! Thal elude mis been kept up, unbroken, uiitcc ilie morning of creation; that clr et- wilt l»e kept up, unbroken, until time is hist in eternity. Out lit** i- u moving panorama—the ] ictures on the c nva>s puss hefo-e our eyes, delighting us fur a moment, hui each containing a solemn lesson unu warning He is but an inditlereiit oh server who does-not study himself,- The»eis the ocean, the lake, the river, the mountain and the vale, the one swells in its majestic grandeure and murmurs hs delimit tones, which arc heard upon e thershore ; the other rests i ke a calm mirror reflecting ‘he light of nut milll ns of stars that sparkle in the id its concave; the river dashes on in its way to the se» ; tile mountain lifts its head among the clouds and easts its frowning shadows into the vale below; the vale echoes the songs of its birds, Hie hum of human videos, the lowing of herds; while here amt therein the busy town, with its active life, its ceaseless commo tions, its impetuous struggles, its ull-rae live homes and the spires of its churches pointing towards heaven- The tied rings and the picture pusses nwa> from our sight to Ho seen no mote. Thus it is with human life. It is an association ol objects, interests, attractionsmid beauties which hurst, upon our sight, perform their mission and accomplish 'heir pm poses, and uro then lost to sight. Pkofit aisu Loss—Ah rather an un scrupulous fellow named Ben was com ing down (own one morning, lie me; Tom and stopped id in. “ I Bay, Tom,” he said, ” here's a pu-i ty i ood counterfeit three. If you’ll pa- • U I’ll divide!’* 1 “ Let’s’see the plaster,*' add Tom ; ami after examining it care Tully, he put it u> Ids vest, porket, remarking, “ It’s a*- equal division—a dollar and n hah apiece?” 14 Yea,” paid Ben. ** All right,’’ said Tom, and off he went A few minutes afterwards he quietly stepped inU) tii ■ store of his friend Ben, and purchased a cun of oysters for a d< 1- hu and a half, laying down ihe three dollar hill for them. The clerk looked at tlm hill rather douhtlngly. when Ida sus picions were immediately calmed by Tom wiio said: “There was no use looking, for lie had received Umt from Ben himself not ten minutes since.” Of course the clerk, with tins assu rance, fo r ked overt he dollar and a half in change, and 'with tills deposit ami th orn of oysters Tom left. Shortly after waids he met Ben, who asked him if lie had ) na-ed the note. 41 Oh, yes,” said Tom, at the stuno time passing over a dollar and a half to Ben. That evening, when Ben made up hU cash account, he was surprl-ed to find Hie same old counterfeit three in the drawer. Turning to his cletk, he asked ; “ Where did you get tills « uised note ? Didn’t you know U waa counterfeit?” “ Why,” said tlie clerk, 4 * Tom gave ii to me, and I suspected it was flshy ; hut lie said he had just received it Irmn yon. and I look it.” . nm whole thing had penetrated tin* mind of Ben. With a peculiar vHu, he muttered 41 Bold 9” and charged the von ot st-rs to profit and loss account. A. T. Stewart,— The Rpriugfleid (Miihs.j Republican nays: “ Mr. Slewurl has the reputation nf being a haw task master. He reduces everything to a ays lem ami all who aerve him oiuat comply with ila requlrementa. He ia a'l indeiiit lutihip worker himself, ami demands that lila auhonlinalea ahall resemble him in this resjwcl. Ho knows nothing of aen tiim nt, ami his name haa never been as sociated with public or private charities until within two years, when it has been said he Intends to emulate the example of Peabody, by building a number nf model lodging houses in the oily of New York. •The foundation walls ol these structures have got to he laid, however. No matt la more Widely known than that of Rtewart, yet few h«ve a smaller num ber ol personal frienda. He haa neither given nor asked for sympathies. Hla business is his life. Imimned from early morning until night in hla private ottiw, he should lie approached only by those who .convinced bis sentinel guard that they wanted to see him in reference to financial transactions.” {ST At a printers lestiva 1 on Frank lln'a birthday,.the following w .no of the regular toasts : * The o-o o ■* the lawyer—-the devil is saii.-iieo vim i copy of the firmer, but rc.n res tl)9 original of the latter.’ ~ rnuNlns Auny VOL. 55.—N0. 50. IfAXUKt IN A PARMION. When CareMlnl, the celebrated cvirato, ' sent Luck the air “ Vonll Pn*U.'* Handel "wna furious,*nnd, rushing I ntothe tremb ling Italian'a house, shook the music In his fare, with, “ You tog! don't I know Letter as ytutmeif vat you ahull sing?— If you vill not sing ull de souk vat 1 give .vow, I vf I trot pay you eih stiver!” <Ja restini afterward louml that Haunel was “Verdi Pint!*' was «iw of his grand /tucccs. When in a similar spirit of {((•timed revolt, (fie famous < uzzoid declined to sin#? ** Falso Imagine,” at rbt rehearsal. Handel, who had tteen waxing hot jit sundry 'signs of Insubordination, exploded at Inst. He Hew at the wretch ed woman, and seizing her arm,'shook her like a rut. “Ah! I always knew you were a tyery tevil.” he cried; “and I shall now let you know thin I »»m Beelze bnh, de prince of do tovils !'* and, drag ging her to the open window, was ju**t on the point of pitching her info the street, when, in every sense of the word, -he recanted. Although Handel some times gained his point In this way, yet his violence occasionally (aid him open ’o the ridicule and contempt of small minds. Persons iiuve been known to appro- late that inde.-crlbalde mixture ot sound produced by the preparatory, tu ning of an orchestra with the organ, even more than the organ itself. Handel was n»>t «f this opinion. After he wa (nice a* Ids desk, woo betide the belated fiddle that scraped u fifth, or the inexpe rienced flute tout attempted (he east ** tootle,*’ Some of us may have witness ed the despair of a ) rofessioiml conduc tor at the endless and insatluhtc tuning of an amateur orchestra. Others may have watched the calm distraction of an accompanist, at having, to play through “ Vuga Luna” to some one not more than half a semitone flat. Others may have seen the expression on the master’s face when. In some pause, the drum comes in witli a cm ill-lent, but perfectly uncalled forf“ rataplan ;” but these Inci dents are trivial, confpared' with the scene which it Is now our painful duty to describe. It. grand night at the Opera, The prince «T Wule« had arriv ed in good time, remembering how Handel hud been annoyed sometimes at his coming in,lute. The instruments, supposed to be In perfect tune, were ly : ing ready, and the perfoiraersenieied.— i Alas! a wag had <*rept in before them, I ami put every one ofihe stringed instru ments out of tune. Handel enters; and now all the hows are raised together, ami at the given beat, they ail started oft con Hpiriio. The effect must have been as if every one of the performers had been mu-ically tumbling down Blairs. The unhappy maestro rushes wildly from ids pla*e, kicks to nieces the first double ba-a Unit opposes him and, seizing u kettle drum, throws it violently at the leader of tl e hand. The effort bends ids lull bo'tomed wig flying, but ho does not heed it; and, rushing bareheaded to the foot-lights, he stands fora lew minutes amid the roars of the home, snorting with rage a* d choked with passion. Tin* Prince, although highly amused, soon thou: ht tins kind of entertainment had lasted long enough, ami going down in person, he beseeches Handel to he calm, ami with much dilllonlly prevails on him to resume his wig ami his opor>*. Like Burleigh's nod, Handel's wig seem-* to have been a sure guide to Handel'H tem per. “ When things went well at the oratorio,’’ writes Burney. •* it had n cer tain nod or vibration which manifested Id-* pleasure and satisfaction. Wdhout it, nice observers were certain ih.it. he was out of humor.” The ondn ms sign always appeared if, w‘en Handel was conducting the Prince of Wale's come-rs, auv of the ladies lii-wuitiog tallied m-' stead of listened. “ Hush, hush!” the prince wovhl say ; J* don’t you see Han del is in a pußsion?” But it must be a- ded that Handel, who kpew ids own hastiness, wuh often the first t) apologise, ' and, on one occasion, after roomily scold*- fug Burney, then a mere lad, Tor what turned out to he an error of Smith, the • onylst, he instantly made the amnule honorable, “ I heg your pardon; 1 mn a very odd* tog; Mei’sler Schmidt l-» to plume.” Thk Beacon Bold —Ah Deacon A ,on an extremely cold morning in old times, whs riding by the hmir-e of his neighbor H the latter was chopping wood, The usual salutations w ie ex changed, the severity of the weather was briefly discussed, and the horseman made demonstration of pulsing on, when his neighbor detained him with “ Don’t he In a hurry, deacon. Wouldn’t you like a mloss of goo.l old Jamaica this morning?” ” Thunk you, kindly, said the old gen tleman at the same (line bee lining to dismount with ail the tie Ihe at on be coming u deacon,“ 1 don’t oar -It I do.” * Al», don't trouble youiself to get nil, deacon,” said the neighbor, “ I merely asked for Information. We Imvn’t a drop in the house.” BfeSf “Don’t you know me?”said a Ken tucky soldier to his former commander, “ No, my friend, I don’t.” “ Why, sir, you once saved my life.” •* Ah. how wa** that?” “ Why, sir, f served under you at the battle of Fort Donelson. and when you ran away at the beginning of the tight I run after yon, else 1 might have been killed. God bless you, my preserver, my benefactor!” An anecdote Is told of u German student in theology, who, after waiting an unconscionable time for admission, aopeared before the examiner, bearded like a bard. The learnAl examiner fell hack, amazed, exclaiming, "A student of theology with u heard !” 11 A bean 1 1* cried the student, with an air of equal astonishment, and puttina Ids hand up to his face, —*• bless me, whv it mu-t have grown while I have been waiting In tl\e antero.in!” IS&* “ Sir,” said a tierce lawyer, “do you. on your solemn oath, swear that this Is not your handwriting?” “I reckon not,” was the cool reply. ” Docs U reftfinble your writing?” “Yes, sir, I think it don’t.” “Do you swear that It don’t resemble your writing?” “Well, I do, «dd head.” “ Yon take your sol emu oath that this writing does not re semble yours In a situ? le letter ?” • ”Y-e-a sir!” “Now, how da you know?” — •“Cause I can’t write.” JUp* The Japanese have a pretty fuMe respecting the Night Moth, a very beau tiful insect, so beautiful say they that all other nidi idles fall in love with it; and to get rid of their importunities, it ma liciously bids them us u trial of their de votion and constancy, to go and fetch it fire. The blind lovers, obedient to com inand.fiy to the nearest lamp or candle, and never fall to get burnt to death. gtgy-Tn Decatur, Illinois,the other day, n man thought he had found u long piece ot dress goods upon the pavement, lie picked upone end of it and eommehc ed wrapping it around Ids unn, when. • >n looking around the corner, discovered a lady at the other end quietly talking to a trleud. He concluded to abandon his prize. X&* A long nose affords a good handle for ridicule. T"o man that’s ‘up to snuff*/ therefore, will avoid them. By the way, talking of no-es, wbut a queer one that must have been which Solomon informs us was like the tower of .Leba non looking towards Damascus. To have bio to such atio-C mu-t liuvo re quired a gale of wind, aud nothing shor ter. SggrThc Philadelphia Preachers’ Meet ing of the M. K. Church are discussing the following qma’iou: “Is any bank nipt, wbo.hu- been released from egal obligation- to pay his debts, thereby re leased from moral obligations to pay tuem should he ever become able?” Bates fine CMtantishtg. A&vftftnsiarkn i* win o© laxerted at Tea cwxtl per line lorxhe flhn iwortHm. «ad. ftrr ent per line tor each sabsaquem insertion qua*" t«rlr half-yearly, ami yearly mlrvnihpmm.ir * ertpjl at - liberal nsinction «« the above rate-. Advertisement* should be accompanied by (he Cahu. When eoni without any leegth ol time *pecm«rt fop pnhllcaiiou. they will he continued nntll ordered ont and charged accordingly. 1 JOB PHINTINO. i Cahds, HAinSßiLLß.CiKCOL‘Aßa,andev©ry oth . f. lplton °' JoB and Card Printing «xecn> • >ty ** ood ** Inw price*. ODDS AND FNDS .Lr'7 hcn 18 “ f J ml uho 11 stable? When there’s a coru-biu la It. <lirty^fiicc. V * “ a cl Ti l' lm at a,! eod ~ a l )areilt flogging hi,,' -A fact—courtship is bliss, but matrl mony Is blister. —Salads, like tlie heads of ladles, need a good deal of dressing to go tfoll. —lf a man fall out of (he window, what does lie full against? Against liLs will. | ° —A woman’s heart like the moon, should have only one man In it* The-odorus ought to have fragrant memory. —An unmistakable oasoof blnck-ball lng-a crying negro Imny. —That is mv “ lmnreßsion ,, as (hoprin ter aal I when he kissed his sweetheart. ..rT w * ien * H a womn b not a woman ? When she Is abed. This’conundrum, la old; but, nevertheless, true. A person who had I>een listening to a very dull address, remarked that every thing “ went oft well,” especially the au dience. —A person who Is considered landless ho* sometimes two or three ackers hi his mouth. ~An exchange has this advertisement: ‘Two sisters want washing.” We hope they may get it. —lt has been ascertained that Borne ladles use paint as ft idler* use resin—to aid them in drawing a beau. —A mean pun—for a man to lav ho’ * of a lady’s hack hair, ami apologize l« saying ho thought ho was pulling a bet knob. —A octogenarian says; 11 T was born at the wrong time. When f was a young man, young men were of no account. Now I am old, X Hud old men are of no account.” —A little boy, returning from the Buu day School, said to his mother, 84 Ma. ain’t there a kltten-chUm for little boys? The catechism Is too hard !” —An old salt, Bitting da the w’nrf the other, day, very soberly remarked, “ I begun the world with nothing, and I have held my own ever since.” A terse and suggestive biography. —A Memphis jury having found a man guilty of murdering a citizen who isalive ami well, are deliberating whether to re scind their verdict or let the convicted man Kill the citizen. —A Boston teacher, who in a tU or vexatlon.cuhed her pupPs a set of vmnu> adders, on being reproved for her la - gunge, apologized by saying that she vv.i.- goeiiking to those justcdinmencing arith metic. —lf a young lady has a thousand Here of valuable bind, the young men are apt to conclude that there arc sufficient grounds for attachment. ' —One of the heat sort of minds is that which minds its own business. Like many other good things, including beef steaks, it Is somewhat rare. —A. feeble looking boatman was sum moned for “ doing grevious damage” to the Delaware river. In tbecimrseof evi dence it was twice pr-.ved that be bad at tempted to pull up the stream. —Josh Billings divides the human race Into three classes: 4 ‘Those who think It is so, those who think it isn’t ao, and those who don’t care whether it is so not.” What la the dlflVrencc between ih« outer wall of a bridge and two young h* dies* The one is a parapet, nod the oth er is u pair o’ puts of course. I.’NANIMITV — “ We nmd all bo unani mous,” observed Hancock, on tlie neon sion of sign mr the Dcdurathn « f Hide nendenou* there mint he no pnllln? dif ferent « ays.” “Yes.” observed Fuuik lin, ** we must id I hang together or »no-t, assuredly we shall hang sepaiately.” —A good sort of a man In Maine was recently asked to subscribe for a chande lier for the*cliurch. “Now,* said he, ” what’* the in© of a chandelier? After you get it you can’t got any one la plav on It.” A propnnnderof insoluble question* asks: ” Did von ever see a woman who had to he told of her heantv bof<> e *’« was aware of ft herself?” Yew We know a lovelv w man who was Ignorant of her clmrtns until told of them. She la tdind. —A woman who has a good figure does not require too low a dres* to make one aware of It; but a badly-tnude girl cannot suppose that undressing herself will prove what the bare fact denies* —A lady said toiler husband, in Jor* rold’s presence: ** you certain ly want some new trousers.” “No, I think not,” replied the huw band. ” Well,” Jerrold Interposed, “I think the lady who always wears them, ought to know.” f * —An observing individual, in a verv healthy village, seeing the sexton at work in a hole in die ground,. Inquired what lie was almut. “ Digging a grave. Sir.” “Digging a grave! Wbv, I thought people didn’t die often heie—do ihey ?” “Oh, no, Sir; they never die but once.” —We have It on authority of the peer, that the gay j nd bearded barley smiles*— We have applied to an eminent qgricul turislforan explanation of. the pheno menon, and Uo saVs it smiles from ear t«» ear. A physician once defended himself fpni raillery by saying. *• I defy any per s »n whom I ever attended to accuse of igmmuioe or neglect?” “That yon m »3*. do safely,” repl-ed an auditor, “for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales,” —At a dinner-party Archbishop Whate ly called out suddenly to the host, “ Mr. !” There wassilence. “Mr. . what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?” After the usual num ber of guesses an answer came, “Anne Chovy.” —foCfarmun wrote an obituary on the death of his wife, of which the following Js u copy: “ If mine wife hud lived un til next Friday she would have been shunt two weeks.' Nothing is pos sible with the Almighty. As the falls so must It stand.” —Shakspeare slightly altered : “Oh Borneo, Borneo, wherefore arc thou Borneo?” Thou lov’st me .not, or thou would’**, stay at ho rne-o; * The babe is squalling for his dad-e-o. Ami endless nuisance to his inamrnv- o; So, Romeo, cease thee now to mauve o, hie thee as u dove to no-me-o. —A father with a handsome son and a plain daughter gave ihem this good ad vice; *• I would have you both look in the glass every day; you, my son, that yon may be reminded never to dishonor ihe beauty of your face by the deformity of your actions ; and you, mv daughter, that you may take care to hide the defect •>t h auty iii your person by the superior his-re of your virtuous and amiable con duct/ 1 • —•a order to amuse the children on a Sabbath, a lady was engaged in read ing from the Bible the story of David and (ioiiuh, and coming to that paa-ag*- • u which Uoliah boasting,and defiantly • I wed the young stripling; a little o tup, dtnoM in Id- first trouser*, aaM p : i'BUter skip that, -kp tbu>: he’s blowing! I tfaut to know who licked I"
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers