American volunteer. (Carlisle [Pa.]) 1814-1909, October 24, 1867, Image 1

I®I)C American Volunteer. \i H
PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY MORNING 4' H If W '”W Imß I w I B i | 7
BRATTON tc. KENNEDY. 18, p I I B/ B 111, ■/ H I I 'I I" I I |”1 |IB H i S I S I i / Bs I
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Tkhus:—Two Dollars por year IX paid strictly V v v v xr v v V v v'v 'nT / Nr Xr NT \r ' A xr -^r
in advance; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents If paid
within: three months; after which Throe Dollars
will ho charged. These terms will be rigidly ad- _____—
bored to In every Instance. No subscription dls-
continued until nil arrearages are paid, unices ai
ho option of the Editor.
fftofessUmat iffacfts.
4 DAM KELLEB, Attorney at
Law, Carlisle. Offlce with W. M. Penrose,
. Rheem’s Hall.
October B,lBo7—Cm*
P IJNITED STATES CLAIM
& AND
I? .REAL ESTATE AGENCY!
§ W'M. B. BCTLEK,
AITORNHY AT LAW,
Office In 2<l Story of InhoDTe Building, No. 8 SoutU
Hanover Slreet, Carlisle, Cumberland county,
Potma.
Pensions, Bounties, Bock Pay, Ac., promptly
collected. . . .
Applications by mall, will recolvo Immediate
Attention. . . ...
Particular attention gluon to the selling or rent
ing of Real Estate, In town or country. In all let
ters of Inquiry, please enclose postage stamp.
July H, 1807—tf _
' rvß. GEORGE S. BEABIGHT, Den-
I J tist. From the Baltimore College of Dental
Surgery. Office at the residence of ula mother,
JSaat Ixmthor Street, throe doors below Bedford,
Carlisle, Penna.
Deo. 1,18G5.
T .M WEAKLEY, Attorney at Law.
tp) , Office on South Hanover street. In the room
tformorly occupied by A. B. Sharpe. Esq.
E. BEETZHOOVER, Attorney
_ and Counselor at Law, Carlisle, Penna.
Ico on South Hanover street, opposite Bontz’s
vStoro. By special arrangement with the Patent
OlUco, attends to securing Patent Rights.
Dec. 1,1805.
CHAS. E. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attor
ney at Law. Office in Building formerly
occupied by Volunteer, a few doors South of Han
non’s Hotel.
Dec. 1,1805.
TOHN. 0. GRAHAM, Attorney at
• I law. Office formerly occupied by Judge
Graham, South Hanover street, Carlisle, Ponna.
Dec. 1, 1805—ly.
MC, HERMAN, Attorney at Law.
, Office In Rheem’s Hall Building, In the
rear of the Court House, next door to the “Her
ald” Office, Carlisle, Penna.
Doc. i, im.
E r. SADLER. Attorney at Law,
, Carlisle, Penna. Office in Building for
oconpied by Volunteer, South Hanover
street.
Deo. 1, 1805.
WJ KENNEDY Attorney at Law.
W - Carlisle, Penna. Office same as that pi
the “American Volunteer,” South side of the Pub
lic Snuaro.
Deo. 1, 1805.
JOHN LEE, Attorney at Law,
North Hanover Street, Carlisle, Pft.,
I'eb. 15,1800 —ly.
TAMES A. DUNBAR, Attorney at
»J law, Carlisle, Ponnn. Office ft few doors
West of Hannon’s Hotel.
Dec. l k 1805.
TYR. J- R. BIXLEB offers bis profes
| / slonal services to the citizens of Carlisle and
V Offico y on Main street, opposite the Jail, In the
room lately occupied by L. Todd, Esq.
, April 11,1807— ly
30rg ©otrtrs.
SPRING! 1807
1867.
BARGAINS
Now opening In
DOMESTIC GOODS;
DRESS-GOODS,
CABSIMERES, SATTINETTS AND JEANS,
WHITE GOODS,
dress trimmings,
ZEPHYRS ,
RIBBONS AND NOTIONS
RING’S NEW STORE,
NO. 55 WEST MAIN STREET,
Opposite the Mansion House,
Next door to the Post Office, Carlisle.
April 18.1867.
W . B ENT Z ,
has just opened his second Fall purchase of
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC
DRY GOODS, NOTIONS, &c
TUo stock consists of the finest selection of
French Merinoes, Alpaccas, Poplins, Plain and
Figured Repps, all colors. Crown Poplins, Co
burgs, all shades and widths. Do Lalnes very
cheap. , . . ■
A well selected stock of
MOURNING DRESS GOODS,
Black Silks, French Merinoes, Wincey, Sorgo,
Tamlso, Alpacca, Poplins, Pekin Lustre, Mohairs
Plain and Striped, Double and Single width all
wool Do Lalnes, Figured Poplins, Crape Veils and
Collars.
A tremendous lino .of Flannels, Bleached and
Unbleached,
Muslins,
Prints,
Cheolcs,
Tickings,
Towelling;
and Towels,
A largo Invoice of Men’s and Boy's wear em
bracing Cloths, Casslmeres, Kentucky Jeans, Ac.
Notions,' Buttons, every variety, Bugle Dross
Trimmings, latest stylo; Latest Collars f.nd
Handkerchiefs, Linen Collars and CuflS, Zephyrs,
all colors of Fancy Yarns. Ac.
In addition to our large stock of Dry Goods we
are now prepared to make a great display In the
CARPET DEPARTMENT.
An invitation Is therefore extended to every
person of the town and county to call and make
purchases.
Please remember " The Old Stand," South Han
over street.
Oot. 10,1867.
268.
HOOP SKIRTS. 628.
WILLIAM T. HOPKINS;
“OUB OWN MAKE.”
,A/ter more than five years experience and
porlmentlne In the manufacture of BTIUC7X“,~.
FIRST QUALITY HOOP SKIRTS, we Olfer o'**
JhsUy celebrated goods to merchants and the
pooUo In confldonoeof their superiority over-all
others In the American market, and they are so
acknowledged by all who wear or deal in them,
os they give more satisfaction than any other
skirt, ana recommend themselves .in ©very to*
speou Dealers In Hoop Skirts should make a
note of this fact. EVERY LADY WHO HAS
NOT THEM ATRIAL SHOULD DO SO
WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY. &
P> ar i aSa s )rt D- IeI R embraces every style, length
Sihi . »r /or Indies, Misses and Children. Also,
» r f s >TADE TO ORDER, altered and repaired.
Ask for* 4 Hopkins’ Own Moke,” and be not de
ceived. See that the letter “H" is woven on the
tapes between each hoop, and that they are
•• W. T. HOPKINS, MANUFACTURER,
628 ARCH STREET, PHILADELPHIA,” upon
each tape. No others ate genuine.
Also, constantly on hand a fall lino of good
New York and Eastern made Skirts, at very low
prices. .
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL,
at thcp PHILADELPHIA HOOP SKIRT Mana
pr 18,1807 10m,
WILLIAM T. HOPKINS.
Drug grtcrc.
DRUGS! DRUGSI-Dr. D. Cornman
having to relinquish on extensive practice,
as well os Eta Drug business in the city of Pitts
burg, several years ago, on account of 111 health,
has now opened at No. 88 N. Hanover street, be
tween the oGlce’s of Drs. Klelfer and Zltzer, a
DRUG STORE, where ho has and is receiving ev
ery few days a pure stock of Drugs, Chemicals,
Dye Stuff* and everything generally kept in a
well-regulated City Drug Store. Prescriptions
carefully compounded and family receipts will
receive special care. Tho Dr. can be consulted at
any hour, at bXAffico, back of his store, or at his
dwelling. No. ILdN. Hanover street, after store
hours. Remember the place, No. 88 N. Hanover
Street, Carlisle.
™ . BR D. CORNMAN,
Bept. 12, Igtf—Jy
BY BRATTON & KENNEDY,
J&oteg, STintoarc, &c.
w ANTED! WANTED
Messrs. WALKER & CLAUDT,
AT GOEGaS’ OLD STAND,
IN REAR OF RHEEXTa HALL,
TO SEE TOE LARGEST S'roCK OF
STOVES AND TINWARE
EVER OFFERED IN CARISEE
As the season Is approaching for house-keepers
and others to look for a GOOD STOVE, wo would
beg leave to call their attention to our stock of
COOKING STOVES,
among which may bo found the following now lu
the market s
REGULATOR, . ,
QUAKER CITY, .
NOBLE COOK,
SUSQUEHANNA,
NIAGARA,
COMBINATION and
EXCELSIOR PENN,
all of which are warranted to bo the best
ROASTERS AND BAKERS,
with all the MODERN IMPROVEMENTS,
W© would call especial attention to the REGU
LATOR OOOK, which possesses advantages
which should recommend It to all. It has a RE
VOLVING TOP, by which arrangement the cook
can reverse the cooking utensils to any position
desired without the NECESSARY LIFTING. It
Is decidedly the best cook stovo in the market.
Messrs, Walker & Clnudy have also on ha»d a
largo stock of
OFFICE, PARLOR
DINING ROOM STOVES
may bo found the celebrated BASE
MORNING GLORY!!!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OFFICE AND PARLOR STOVE
EVER OFFERED TO THE PUBLIC.
Too much cannot bo said in praise of tho
MORNING GLORY, which so far has taken tho
load of all other stoves In the market. It Is a gas
consumer, barns its own cinder, and requires
very little attention after the Are Is made, It be
ing so arranged that it wiU
FEED ITS OWN COAL!
For proof of what wo have stated we would re
fer all to the following gentlemen of Carlisle and
vicinity, who have had the MORNING GLORY
in use fast winter, ami will cheerfully testify to
Us merits:
JOHN CAMPBELL, GEO. WEISE.
DAVID RHOADS, W. B. MULhIN, Ehq..
H. L. BURKHOLDER, JOHN DUNBAR,
J. M. WEAKLEY, Esq., JACOB RITNER, Ac.
Wo would respectfully ask those who wish to
mrchaae a No. I stove to call at once and cxam-
THE MORNING GLORY!
Wo also have on hand tho
MORNING GLORY HEATER!
WHICH CANKOT PAIL TO GIVE
ENTIRE SATISFACTION!
FISHER’S FRUIT CANS
constantly kept on hand and for sale.
. Our stock of TINWARE is complete In all Its
branches and will bo sold at reasonable prices.
TIN ROOFING AND SPOUTING
AND GENERAL JOBBING,
Sheetings, Ao,
promptly attended to and done In the most
workmanlike manner.
JBSP* Do not forgot to give us AN EARLY CALL I
August 1,1507—5 m,
JAMES M'SONIGAL,
ICANtTFACTURHII AND DEADER IN
A.W.BENTZ.
STOVES, TIN AND SHEET-IRON WARE,
South Hanover St., Adjoining Jilalr & Son's Grocery,
CARLISLE, PA.
The subscriber thankful for post favors, re
spectfully Informs his friends and tho public,
that he bos now on band a largo supply of the
latest and best improved
COOK and
PARLOR STOVES,
. HEATERBand RANGES.
In the Stove Department wo desire to call par
ticular attention to the following, comprising as
they do, tho very best Cook ana -Parlor Stoves
now in use:
NIMROD,
QUAKER CITY,
EXCELSIOR, PENN,
NOBLE COOK,
NIAGARA,
SUSQUEHANNA and IRONSIDES. .
To speak at length of the different Stoves would
occupy too much apace,.but we deem it necessa
ry to call the attention of the public to the
EMPIRE GASBURNER.
This truly wonderful Parlor and Office Stove
la so constructed that tho cheapest quality of
coal (Limebarner's), can be used with success.—
It barns continuously and the lire is easily kin
dled. . It Is capable of heating one room below
and two rooms above. There Is no dust and no
escape of gas, and an actual saving of coal, which
in two or three seasons will pay for the stove.
The Empire has many valuable qualities which
con only be fully appreciated by seeing It lu op
eration. Wo claim that it Is far superior to any
other Stove now In use, and wo feel satisfied that
we can convince all who will favor us with an
examination of tho Stove at our shop of this part.
Wo have on baud a full assortment of
Repairing promptly attended to. Roofing done
at the shortest notice. Spouting will bo put up
on reasonable terms and with despatch.
I (Please give us a call at No. 83, South Hanover
Street, adjoining Blair’s Grocery.
JAMES M’GONIGAL.
, Sept. 10,1SC7—Cm
PLAIN and FANCY PRINTING of
KVEiiY description neatly executed at tho
yoDWTOEB Office,
EVERYBODY
TO CALL O'N
CHURCH ALLEY.
AND
MORNING GLORY.
SOLD BY
WALKER & CLAUDY,
Solo Agents
FOR CARLISLE
MORNING GLORY.
WALKER & CLAUDY,
Oorgas' Old Stand.
TINWARE
IWkaL
AUTUMN.
There Is a glory on the earth to-day,
There is a spirit in changing trees,
There is a soft, lowmnrmur in my heart,
And on the breeze.
Sweet Autumn sheds a gentle influence now,
Tho world is clad in beauty and In light;
The sunshine shimmers softly through tho trees,
And all bright.
Some spirit has mode love to every flower
That breathes its life out on the passing breeze
Borne magic hand has thrown a witching grab
Upon tho trees.
For nil tho blossoms blush—they seem rare gems
From tho bright land of dreams. In earthward
flight, • .. ’
Some Seraph’s wing has swept the trees and loft
Gleams of its light.
Aljovo us bonds the silent, cloudless sky,
And o’er Its depths a lone bird wings Its flight;
Seen for one moment, then like glided hope,
It fades from sight.
The Spirit of the wind has struck his harp,
But altered Is fcho music of tho lay;
Tbo notes arc wailing, and tho burden is,
“Passing away.”
Wo lovo to Unger out. The deep, blue sky
Seems nearer now than when thefeummer's here;
Tho rustling leaves a molting murmur cast
Upon tho ear.
Yes, there Is music In the fallen leaves;
They breathe the spirit of the mighty Past;
They wake a chord In each heart ns they sigh
“ Bright days fly fast.”
eti)fferiffartiongt.
IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
’Twos rather late when I started for
my boarding house -in Seventh street in
a locality where all the houses 1 wore
alike in a row.' It was a dark night and
somewhat windy. A street lamp flicker
ed here and there, and though 1 was not
intoxicated, the liquor I haul imbibed, at
Dominico’s, had got slightly into my
head. That made no difference, howev
er; so, when I arrived at the house, I in
troduced the night key and opened the
door. To my surprise there was no gas
burning in the hall. Was it so late«that
the lost lodger had gone in ? I had-hard
ly closed the door before a woman had
her arms around my neck, and was kis
sing mo.
‘Oh, George, I am.so glad you have
come.’
This was followed by another exqui*
site kiss. What did it mean ? The thing
was getting interesting. Sho was a deli
cious armful, but I could not tell whether
her color was of the recognized standard.
However, circumstances required me to
say or do something, so I kissed the lady
in return, and muttered:
* You are. quite, affectionate to-night
dear.'
‘ Why, no, George, not more so than at
other times. But you smell of liquor!—
I do wish you would not go to Domini
co’a.’
' It is a bad place, X confess, Nellie.'
‘ Why—l—that is—l mean—l spoke at
a venture,' I blurted out honestly.
1 1 don’t understand you. You are ven
turesomely drunk, that’s all. Have you
no spices about you to chew? But you
spoke of Nellie—how did you know sho
hud come V
‘ I—l divined it.’
‘ You did? Well she’s here.’
A paused ensued, so I asked :
‘Bow did she come? 7
* In the train leaving Germantown at 6.
But come up stairs, George, she is wait
ing for you.
Here hung my hat bn
nothing, the rack not being in Us place,
and groped along the wrong side of the
hall for the stair-way.
‘Why, George, you drunk in all ear
nestness. Over this way. Give me your
hand. -Now steady. *
It was a warm plump hand, and I held
on to it with more pressure than necessi
ty required.
I began to get a glimmer of light. I
was not drunk but got into the wrong
house. Hero was a predicament for a
bashful young man! But what was I to
do? Nothing that I could see, but face it
out. %
My name was Qcorgo for ono thing,
and I had been to Domiuico’s; but I had
no marriageable sister, and I knew of no
Nellie nor any other lady who would
have come down to see mo in the train
leaving Germantown at 0.
On tho landing my guide opened a door
leading to a room just as impenetrably
dark.
‘Are you here yet, Nellie?’
‘ Yes, Jennie,’ answered a soft half
frightened voice, from the far end of tho
room.
So my 1 make believe’ sister’s name
was Jennie. 1 always liked that name;
it is sweet, yet elastic; abrupt, yet modu
lated; natural, yet artificial, (wide spin
ning machinery.)
‘ How do you do, Nellie?' I said.
‘Quite well,’said she.
‘ Why don’t you kiss her, George,?’ in
quired the little witch Jennie.
Tho intimation was sufficient. The
lips were as lucious as a peach—l envied
George the I—George tho genuine.
I again got my improvised sister’s hand
in mine. There was a ringon it, and I
was determined to have it, . ;
‘ How long are you going to stay ?’ I
asked Nellie.
‘A week.’
‘George you are taking my ring,’
chimed Jennie! ‘ You promised me a pin
and ear-rings. When is that new set
coming ?’
4 1 ordered them to-day.’
‘Oh what a dear good brother! (An
other delightful hug.) ‘You shall have
a kiss for every dollar they cost you I’
I was getting reckless.
4 They cost me five hundred dollars,’ X
said.
‘Now George, you know that ain’t so I
Will you take the kisses now or wait un
til you get them ?’
4 I’ll take them now.’
‘ I’ll bail her/ said Nellie.
‘ No,’ replied Jennie, ‘ I’ll pay them in
instalments.’
‘ With a payment now to bind tho bar-*
gain/ said I.
‘ Don’t’ spluttered Jennie, ‘ I have not
got the jewelry yet. It is a sin to waste
your kisses on your sister. Why don’t
you kiss Nellie?'
‘Thank you,’ I said, kissing Nellie
several times.
I did as I was ordered. What else
could a man with a strong disposition to
oblige have done?
' ‘But why ain’t you in bed girls?’ I
asked anxious to get at the meaning of
the unreasonable interview. 4 Had you
not better light the gas ?
‘ What would that bo for?’ said the in
comparable Jennie. • Gas is expensive
gas has gone up—is riz., We are soon go
ing off. We don’t care for you. But
don’t you kuow why wo sat up for you.’
4 Can’t imagine.’
4 Well, to-morrow evening there is a
fancy ball at Mrs. P *—'• ’a.- Nellie just
came in tho nick of time, didn’t she?—
We have selected costumes —one for you.
You’re our property boy,’ you know. We
will start out shopping early in the morn
ing. Tho time is short.’
‘Oh, plauguo your shopping,’ I said
yawning, after further chattering the
girls retired leaving me tostretch out my
full length on the sofa, as they supposed.
Butaminute afterwards I was in the
hall below. A door opened from a sitting
room or parlor, and a masculine voice
asked, in a low tone;
‘ Is that you Kemble ?’
I was somewhat startled. What was
coming next? Kisses up-stairs—perhaps
cuds below. No doubt it was tho origi
nal George, so I answered as a venture:
4 Yes, G^rge. 1
‘ All right, hero is a plate. Put it ‘up
CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24,1867.
tho spout,’ somewhere in Gotham. Take
care you are not tracked. Meet me in
Franklin Square at 7 o’clock on Satur
day evening. I will do tho ‘ nice thing’
by you. Get all you can for it—enough
to meet that deuced ugly check.’
‘I will try, George—or all will bo up
between you and the Governor.’
‘That’s so, Kemble. It seems tome
your voice sounds strangely to-night.’
‘Does it? I caught cold somehow or
other.’
‘Good night, Kemble. Keep tho ap
pointment.’
I assented.
I went out tho door with a heavy par
cel in my arms. There was a mystery
about the matter. George, the son so
liberal in his provincialisms, bad got in
to a scrape through a’ check, forgery or
otherwise. It had to be met—and tho
{date was on the way to tho pawu-bro
cers. Not quite, for it had been deliver
ed to Kemble, the accomplice.
The uextevening the following version
of the alTair, varied somewhat in each
particular journal, made its appearance,
showing tho surprising cxpauslvencss of
reportorial genius:
DARING BURGLARY.
‘ Xiust night a most daring burgulry
was committed at tho residence of Mr.
Abraham Farrell, in Franklin Square.—
In view of the boldness and frequency of
such occurrences it behoves our citizens
to bo on their guard. Tho follow gob into
the second story window,, by climbing*
up the spouting, ejpdently, tho paint be
ing rubbed off here and there. He rob
,bed the house of silver plate and other
valuables, to the amount of five thousand
dollars.
What is the most singular and tho most
audacious of all is, that he came into a
room in which a daughter of Mr. Farrel
happened to bo at the time. Imitating
tho voice of, and pretending to bo her
brother (aided by the darkness) lie play
fully slipped a diamond ring from her
finger. After chatting awhile, she retir
ed, leaving the scoundrel to take a nap
upon tho sofa. The movements betrayed
an intimate acquaintance with the house
and family.
He however made a narrow escape;
deliberately making his exitc at tho front
door. JVIr, Farrel heard a noise, got up
and reached the hall just in time to get-a
glimpse of the fellow, mid discharged his
revolver at him; tho ball entered the door
frame just above his head.
A man was noticed brawling about tho
house In tho early part of tho evening,
and, no doubt is the same fellow that
recently, robbed the house of Mr. Fales,
in Walnut street, and broke into the
clothing store of Bell & Co.’
.With feet elevated and with a cigar in
my mouth, I road this in my cozy little
lawyer’s office. I laughed heartily; I
had not supposed that I was so vlllian
ously brave, or had made such *niracu
lous escape. Ah. the reporter is a great
man! A man makes a meagre, disjointed
speech from a balcony, it appears in print
and he is astonished to find how gram
matically correct it is, how- germain to
the subject it is, how sentontiously coup
led. Superb, eloquent. and oratorical.—
Tho reporter can damn one with empha
sis or hoist him on tho shoulders of pub
lic opinion, transmuting him from a
demijohn to a demi-god.
I took the tiny ring out of my pocket
book, looked at it, thoughtof Jennie and
sighed. There had been such abandon
In her kisses, so much of mesmerism in
the touch of her hand, that I determined
to cultivate her acquaintance, and ‘ bang
up my hat’ in the Farrel mansion in the
place where the hat rack really was.
Tho newspaper report revealed to me
the name and residence of captivating
amoret. Xu going up Vine street, on tho
evening in question, I hild gone half a
sduaro too far, and instead of turning up
Seventh' Street, turned up Franklin,
which Is between Sixth and Seventh.
While reading the account of the bur
glary, Cummings* tho chief of police,
with whom I was quite intimate, passed
the door. I called him in and related tho
circumstance. He was apractical joker,
and laughed immoderately. I . showed
him tho plate' which X had locked up in
my desk. ‘Keep quiet a day or two,
Tait, there is more fun in this affair,’ ho
said.
On the afternoon of the siune day, a
short, portly, red faced, irritable, old gen
tleman, dignified my office-room with his
presence. Ho stood up to me 'narrowly,
wiped his red face with a, red silk hand
kerchief, tapped the lid of his snuffbox,
and said:
‘ I am Abraham Farrell'’
‘How do you do, Mr. Farrell!’ I said
extending my hand. * Take a seat.'
The name of the visitor made me foil
uneasy. Why had ho come to me ?
‘You are no doubt aware that I was
robbed the other night,’ said Mr. Furrel,
' So I learned from the papers/
1 All of which lie with the usual per
sistence. Hot a single account approxi
mates to the truth/
‘ In what way Mr. Farrell ?’
‘ln every way, in toto. They lie
egregriously. The'robber did not climb
up the spouting; he came in at the same
door he went out. He did not palm him
self off on my daughter as her brother
and-my son, consequently she was not
robbed of any diamond ring. I did not
aeo him neither did I fire atbhn, conse
quently X did not miss him/
1 Perhaps you were not robbed either,’
I said.
‘ Oh, yes I was; palably, scandalously:
I have come to you to have it ferreted
out/
‘To me! Why, I am ho detective,’ I
said with surprise.
Hd Wiped his face and took a pinch of
snuff, threw up his hand dpubtingly and
said:
‘Oh yes you are, Mr. Tait, Cummings
sent me here—the chief of police/
Bo Cummings was bound to do me a
good turn. What better way to become
intimate with Jennie than by playing
detective? 1 could have hugged my
thoughtful and discriminating friend.
‘ Mr. Farrell lam an attorney, as you
know, and the job hinted at is not in my
line, but—. ■
Nbtprofesslonally X suppose/
‘ Ho, but as Mr. Cummings has seen fit
to recommend you tp me I shall under
take the case/
‘ Aud what will you require ?’
‘ As a compensation ?’
‘Ho,’ (gruffly.)
* Oh, yea,’ said I. 1 Well I will require
a patient truthful telling of the affair by
every one connected therewith, and a
carte blanch admittance to your house
for a fortnight/
‘ You shall have it. You shall come
and go when you please, do as you please,
question who you please. Only recover
me the plate and identify the thief/
‘I will try. Tell your sou George to
call hero this evening. He can be of
some assistance to me/
The son called in. the evening. Mo
tioned him to a-seat. I commenced
business at once by leaning over the table
and asking, while looking into his face.
‘ Mr. Farrel, how ’much' money is it
that you are in need of?’
‘X! In need of money! Ido not under
stand you’ he exclaimed.
* A bit of. paper, check or otherwise,
forged or genuine, is given you much an
noyance. .It may be a trifling thing ;apro
ionged existence may make it a wretch
edly serious one.”
'*l cannot divine yourineaning," said
the fellow, brazen faced.
Look hero, Mr. Farrell, your father
has'selected mo to ferret'out that bur*
glaiy. lam already at work. The soon
er you and I come to ah understanding,
the better it will be for one of us, which
will be you in all probability. Night be
fore last you gave a young man named
Kemble a package in your father's hall.
Now while I will not say that you are
the thief, I will inquire what was the
sum. which you wished to realize by that
operation? Youcertaiulyundcrstandme
now I
, Young Farrel trembled and changed
color. He answered, slowly and huskily;
‘ Two thousand dollars.’ v
‘ Now you are getting explicit. If I
give you a check for that amount, will
you give me your individual obligation
therefore and promise hereafter to keep
out of such abomkiablo character-compro
mising, scraps?’
‘I promise both, and will, in addition,
allow you to consider me ‘ yours respect
fully.’
* Well, here is the check.’
And shall I be compromised about tho
plate?’
‘ Not if itis recovered: not in any event
if I can help it.’
As the reader may imagine, I was an
admirable detective, so far as that par
ticular case was concerned. I became in
timate with Miss Farrell during that
fortnight, interested her in mo, and be
came a favorite. In due time I Informed
ho old gentleman that I had recovered
ho plate, but had not secured tho’thief.
3o came to my office, and I unlocked the
leak to hand over to, him tho valuables.
The old gentleman charged mo with
naking a fool of him, struted up and
Imvn the room, rubbed his rod face, laid
is hand once or twice on his abdomen,
rnd then started off, threatening ven
geance.
\ Wasn’t lin a predicament? The sweat
s\ood on me in drops. Just then Cum
npngs passed, I detected a twinkle in his
ejo. He was the only man to whom I
hid shown the plate, or who knew where
I.had kept it. A minute-after I had him
by the shoulder, and bustled him play
fully into the ofilco the chief of police
had come the joke ‘ practical 1 over me.—
I recovered the plate and sent. it to Far
rell, but it cost mo half dozen bottles of
champagne.
George Farrell became thoroughly re
formed, graduated at the Pennsylvania
Medical College, isapraetising physician
in the West, reliable and patronized, and
ago redeemed his obligations for the
two thousand.
It is hardly necessary for mo to state
that ho married tho lady who had come
up to seo him in tho train that loaves
Germantown at £5,
How did I prosper with Jennie? And
did she find out the audacious fellow who
stole her ring? Oh yes, I forgot that!
“Wnltc U|», Solomon I’*
“Wake up, Solomon, it’s time to get
up,” shouted young Harry to hlssluggish
brother, onb fine Juno morning, as ho
jumped gaily out of bod, and began dress
ing himself. ■
“ What time is it?” yawned Solomon.
“Nearlysix,” replied his brother, “and
mind, Sol, wo start at seven.”.
“ It’s too early to get upyet,” said Solo
mon. “ I’ll snooze till a quarter to sev
en.”
So the lazy fellow turned round, and
was soon fast asleep again. When he
awoke, his room looked full of sunshine.
Tho house was very quiet, too, and rub
bing his eyes, he mutered—
“ X wonder if it is seven o’clock yet ?”
Crawling out of bed, ho dressed himself
and went down stairs; there was nobody
in the parlor, nobody in the sitting-roomi
nobody in the dining-room..
“What can bo the matter?” thought
Solomon, as he mug the bell for the maid
to bring him his breakfast.
“Where are they all?” ho asked as
soon as she appeared. *
“ Gone to the city,” replied the maiden,
“ They started two hours ago.”
“ Why, what time is it?”
“ Nine o’clock.”
“Nine o’clock! But why didn’t they
call mo?”
“ You were called at six o’clock, aud
wouldn’t get up. Your father wouldn’t
have you called again. He said ho would
teach you a lesson.”
“It’s too bad?” cried Solomon, drop
ping his head ujwn the table and burst
ing into tears.
-• it-was.ton bad tpat_thelazv boy did not
learn the lesson ol that morning, so as to
turn over a now leaf in tho book of life. I
am sony to say, he did not. He loved
sleep. He bated work. He was the
slave of lazy habits, and is to this day.
What sort of a man will Solomon Slow
coach be? Well, if he don’t die of idle
ness before he becomes a man, ho will be
a shiftless, good-for-nothing fellow. Ho
won’t have any knowledge, because he
is to lazy to study; nor any money , be
cause he is to lazy to work ; nor any good
character, because he is too lazy to con
quor himself.
Wake up, Solomon! Wake up my dear
boy 1 Shake of the chains that are upon
you ! Be manly, be wide awake, be some
thing! If you don’t wako up, you will
soon bo a lost boy. Wake up Solomon,
wake up! If you don’t, you will make
a shipwreck of your life.
A CONSCIENTIOUS SVOIITSMAN.
On Turkey river, a few years ago, lived
Amasa Parker, a worthy itinerant minis
ter of tho Methodist church. Besides be-
ing a Usher of men he was a fisher of fish,
aud also delighted in the pleasure of the
chase. To him one fine Saturday night
came another son of Nimrod, Jack Wa
ters. Jack woke up the minister by cull
ing to him from the outside. The parson
put his head out of the door and recogniz
ed his friend at once. .
“Mr. Barker,” saj’s Jack, “line night
for coon hunting. Can you come out aud
have a shot?”
A muffled protest in a feminine voice
was faintly heard inside the house; but
the good minister was too ardent a hunt
er to yield even to petticoat influence. A
moment later he appeared at the door in
hunting trim, and the two men started
off, although the protest was repeated
more strenuously, accompanied by the
apparition at a window of a head encased
with-a ruffled night-cap.
Spite of the flue night, however, aud
tho skill of the two hunters, luck was
against them; aud several jiours.had
passed before they met with anything
worth taking homo. At last the parson
descried a flue coon in a tree. Being a
sprightly parson, and agile, he climbed
up after the animal, followed it to quite a
height. At lost, getting a good chance,
ho leveled his gun.
“ Why don’t you fire?” hoarsely whis
pered Jack. after waiting several miuutes,
during which the parson remained sud
denly transfixed, neglecting to pull the
trigger.
“ I say, Mr. Waters,” he replied “ what
time is it? Remember this is Saturday
night.”
“ Ho it isn’t,” says Jack, looking at his
watch, “it’s Sunday morning. Just live
minutes past twelve. Now, file quick,
you won’t have such a chance again.”
“No, no,” replied the minister, “it
won’t do, Mr. Waters. Too late, now;
wo must come"again.”
“ But just give tho coon a crack,” ur
ged Jack.
“ Can’t do it,” said the minister, slow
ly descending. “Recollect what tho
commandment says: Remember tho
Sabbath day to keep it holy—coon or no
coon.”
Fast Young Ladiks.—ln order to boa
fast youngiady, it is necessary to lay aside
all reserve and reiinemont—everything
that savors ol womanly weakness, to have
no troublesome scruples but bo ready to
accord an appreciating smile to the broad
est joke. There must be no feeling of de
poudance on the stronger sox; but, by
adopting as far as decency permits, mas
culine attire, masculine habits, and mas
culine modes of expression accompanied
by a thorough knowledge of slang, and a
fluency in using it, these ladies show
themselves to be above all narrow pre
judices. There must bo noihluklngabout
other people's feelings; if people will be
thin-sninod let them keep outofthe way
at aH events, Should “mamma" raise
her voice in feeble remonstrance, the
fast young lady impresses on her that
“ she is no judge of thesomutters. Xu her
school days, every one was slow; but it
is quite changed now." In shoat to sum
up, to be a fast young lady, modesty,
delicacy, refinement, respect for superi
ors, consideration for the aged, must all
be set aside; boldness impudence; irrever
ence brusqueness, and we fear too often
heartlesuess, must take their place.
“ HOY LOST.”
Ho has black eyes, with long lashes,
red checks, and hair almost black, and
curly. Ho wore a crimson plaid jacket,
with full trousers buttoned on ; had a
habit of whittling, liked to ask questions
and was accompanied by a small dog. It
was a long time since he disappeared. I
have a very pleasant house and much
company. Everything has such an or
derly put away look—nothing underfoot,
no dirt. But my eyes are aching for the
sight of whittlings snd cut paper on tho
floor, of tumbledown card-houses; of
wooden cattle and sheep; of popguns,
bows and arrows, whips, toys, go-carts,
blocks and trumpery.
I want to see boats a rigging and kites
a making. I want to see crumbs on tho
carpets, and paste spiled on the kitchen
table. I want to sec tho chairs and tables
turned tho wrong way. I want to see
candy-making and corn-popping, and to
find jack-knives and fish-nooks among
my muslins. Yet these things # used to
fret mo once. They say “ how quiet you
are here.’ Ah! one may here settle his
brains and be at peace. But my ears are
aching for tho pattering of little feet; for
a hearty shout; for a shrill whistle ; fora
tra la la; for tho crack of little whips ; for
the noise of drums, fifes, and tin Crump
ets. Yet these things made me nervous
once.
They say, “Ah I you have leisure ;
nothing disturbs you. Wbnt honps nf
sewing you have.timo for?” But 1 long
to be disturbed. I want to bo coaxed for
a piece of new cloth for jibs or mainsails,
and then to hem the same. I want to
make little flags, and little bags to hold
marbles. I" want to follow my little
Charlie all over tho house ; teased for a
bit of dough for a little cake, or to bake a
pie in a saucer. Yet they say, * Ah! you
are not tired at home. How delightful
to bo at liberty for concerts, lectures aud
parties* No confinement Cor you.” But
1 waut confinement. I want to listen
for the school-bell of mornings, to give
the last hasty wash aud brush, and then
watch from the window nimble feet
bounding away to school. I waut fre
quent rents to mend, and # tb replace lost
buttons. I want to obliterate mud stains
and paints of all colors ; want to be sitting
by a. little erlb'of evenings, when weary
little feet are at rest, and prattling voices
arc hushed, that mother may sing and
tell stories. They don’t know their hap
piness then, these mothers ; I didn’t.—
All those things I called confinement
once.
* A manly figure stands before mo now,
ho is taller than I, has thick whiskers,
wears a frock coat, and bosomed shirt and
cravat: Lie has just come from college,.
He brings Latin and Greek in his coun
tenance, and dust of tho old philosophers
from the eating-rooms. Ho calls mo
“mother,” but 1 am unwilling to own
him. He avers that ho is my boy, and
says that he can prove it. Ho brings his
little boat to show the red strings on the
sail (it was the end of a piece,) aud tho
name on tho stern —Lucy Low, a little
girl of our neighbor’s, who because of her
long curls and pretty round face, was tho
chosen favorite of my boy.
The curls were long since cut ofl, and
she has grown up a tali, handsome girl.
How his face reddens as he shows mo tho
name of the boat. Oh! I see it as plain
us if it were written in a book. My little
boy is lost in my big boy, in a long white
nightgown, lying in his crib, with mo sit
ting by, holding his forehead, watching
his eyelids drop, and listening to his deep
breathing.
If I only had my little boy again, how
patieut I would be? How much I would
hear, and how little I would scold! I
can never have him back again; but there
are still mauy mothers who have not yet
lost their little boy, I wonder if they
know they are living their beat days;
mat HOW IS tlie time to really onjoy Ihoir
children! I think if I had been more to
my little boy, I might be more to my
grown up son.
Seldom does a live Dutchmangefc
tho credit of more smart things than arc
set down to him in this catechism that
he puts to a journeyman printer:
A Dutchman sitting at the door of his
tavern in the'Far West, is approached
by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigra
ting westward, on foot, with u bundle on
a cano over his shoulder.
“ Veil, Misthcr Valkiug Stick, val you
vant!” inquired the Dutchman.
“Rest aud refreshment,” replied the
printer,.
“Supper and lolchiu, I reckon ?”
“Yes, supper anil lodging, if you
dease.”
“Peyoa Yankee peddler, mil chewo
ay in your pack; to sheat to gal ?”
“Ho, sir, I am no Yankee peddler.”
“ A slngiu-muater, too lazy to work?”
“ Ho, sir.”
“A shouted shoemaker, val loves to
measure te gals’ feet and hankie bettor
tau to make te shoes?”
“ Ho, sir: or I should have mended my
own shoes.” 4
“A book acheut, vot bodder# te school
committees till they do vat you wish,
choosfc to get rid of you ?”
“Guess again, sir. I am no book
agent.” •
“To toyfels! a dentist,- preaking the
people’s jaws at a dollar a shnag, and
runniu offmit my daughter?”
“Ho, sir, I am no tooth-puller.”
“ Phrenologus, den, feeling to young
folks’ heads like so many cabbitch?”
“Ho, I am no phrenologist.”
“ Vel, ten, vot the teyfels can you bo ?
Ohoost tell, and you shall havo.te best
sassage for supper, and shtay all nigid,
free gratis, mitout- a cent, and a chill of
whisky to start mit in te morning.”
“lam an humble disciple of Faust a
professor of the art that'preserves ail arts
typographer, at your service.”
“ Votsch dat?” .
“A printer, sir; a man that prints
books and newspapers.”
“ A man vot prlntsb noosbpapers! Oh,
yaw! yawl ay, dat ish it. A man vot
printsh noosbpapers! Ynwiyaw! Vaik
up! a man vot printsh noosbpapers! ✓ f
viah.l may bo shot if I did not tluk you
vas a poor teyfel of a di.-dmick school
master, who varies for notlin, and boards
round. I tought you vus him.” .
LAW TER9IH.
Hot long since an eminent commercial
lawyer related the ensuing anecdote as an
illustration of the “composition” which
sometimes entered into the selection of a
jury:. ,
“ I had a very important case," said he,
“ involving some eighty or a hundred
thousand dollars. It was a protracted
case, owing to the complicated interests
involved In it, and altogether a very tedi
ous trial. When it was finally given to
the jury, the judge remarked to them, as
they Were about leaving the court-room
for private consultation, that if, during
the progress of the case, ally terins of law
had been used or any rules stotml, that
thdy did not fully understand, tho'court
was fully prepared beforehand to make
all needful explanations.
Upon this, one- of the jurors, a man
with a high, bald head, and a calm blue
eye, upon whose sense of justice X had
greatly relied, (for he paid the strictest
attention to the entire arose
and said:
“I bolievo I understand all (he rules
liathavo been laid down, but there are
two terms of law that have been a good
deal used during the trial that I should
like to know the meaning of.”
“Very well, sir,” responded the judge,
what terms of law do you allude to?”
“Well.” said our model juror, “the
word; I mean, arc ilie
dcfcmhnii I"
Wasn’t (here a chance for a u»iu to
“come by his own” in a law-snii where
mch a juror was the principal memner of
the “august body ?”
Well, Johnny, what kind of
cake do you like?”
“ Why, I like sponge-cake, and pound
cake, and plum-cake, and any kind of
cake but stomachc-achc— that I don't like
at all, I don’t.”
VOL. 54.—N0. 19.
CORRY O'LANUS ON PniSTEttS’ NTHIUIEIS.
Tho Journeymen Printers of Brooklyn,
who had been receiving 37 cents per 1,000
cino. aomo wooks ago, in consequence of
tho high prices for food ana reins, aeciami
that,they were not able them
selves and families by their labor, and
thereupon reported their wants to the
employers, who informed them their de
mands could -nof bo acceded to. This
brought on a strike, and for a few days
put the newspaper publishers to some In
convenience. The crisis has b-epn got
over by tho employers consenting to pay
the rato demanded—4o cents per I,[JOO
eras. Wo understand that they refuse fo
re-employ their old men, and are putting
new men in their places. Corry O'Lanus
—a writer on The Brooklyn Eagle } who
has amused tbo readers of that paper for a
number of years by a weekly letter, in
which he tells in his peculiar way tho
street gossip—explains below how tho
strike affected bis Interests:
Dkar Eagle: I was much distressed
when I heard of your family troubles —
that your compositors had gone off on a
strike.
I recollect when our cook struck some
years ago, the family got up and found no
breakfast waiting for them, and tho pic
ture Hashed upon my mind of tbeconster-.
nation of tlio people of Brooklyn sudden
ly deprived of their Eagle.
And was my weekly epistle to bo seen
no moru, umi joy vuiilsh from Saturday
nights henceforward T
The thought was uot to b.o endured.
You know how I came to the rescue,
and advised all my personal friends to
rash to your assistance.
O’Pako.was out Of tgwn—but, as ho
don’t know how to set type, this was for
tunately of no conscquenao.
O’Bliquc, who was borne a typo-sticker,
went to work with manly devotion.
And it was touching to behold our ex
postmaster pull off his coat and do a
square day’s work.,
It is said that his feelings were unnec
essarily lacerated by having to set up the
advertisement for proposals for Nicholson'
pavement.
This must have occurred through a mis
take in the hurry of giving out copy.
Not expecting this emergency would 1
ever arise, I never learned to set typo;
but a man don’t know what ho can. do
till ho tries, so I asked your foreman, J.
Buckley, to lot mb have a chance, as I
wanted to got my letter up.
Ho said X could have a “sit,” told mo
to take a “ brevier case,” and lead my
matter,” so that It would 1111 up.
Ho then gave mo a “stick” and “rule,”
which set me up. in the printing busi
ness. /
Except that I didn’t kuow iho different
boxes where each letter Is kept, and oc-,
cupied some time in finding them: got
involved in the spaces, couldn’t hud any
stops, got some of the letters upside down,,
and the capitals somewhat mixed; I got
along first rate, considering the practice I
had had.
I pied the first stickful I set up in try
ing to empty it on a galley, and had to
set it up again, I bribed the Devil (print
er’s) to empty it for mo.
. Mr. Buckley thought I would make a
printer in time, and advised me to go
somewhere and learn the business, then
come back and ho would give me a job.
As I want the readers of your paper to
sec that I can set typo, the foreman said
he would put my take in hero.
mY sEt,
printers snouLDu’OtPut oN ANy nlrs.
unymxlYcim .sot tYpo.wllo}£uownmiXtlliujj.
A'tl Yo’Vo got to Q.O intoPlojiuPtiie I/viijers,
AKtf set Them UP in A rOw WITH SpascS
tmd nj.opa,. -:.
Us JUst a.s EaBy wl IoN yoU know how To
dolt nSany Thing ElSo
you UaVo Wot 2’o fookOUTaNdKoUholu'lXrorS
riGUTsipo UPh, Which As You shit THeui Up.
SrDE CIQA\M* IsvHTtLB dIFICUIt aT UKsf.
llOgg Tuck trying To rouD a nraispnpWr hUiud
in/y on Yomt Hgvu r
Whloh 18 not vorA Easy h3jl/i you Uhccl
To If
then yoU havo Got To nmkn ALI yO\u LlnEs
even* adp xlglltln tho OonmncwHicliTho
PrlNtoits QIUL " .fJ39.iiU3'liJ''m{7*tji'" Lings
Are SomotiMKs an Huau toJuSTIFV
ns Sonomon”S Conduct whieir May rcfEr
to printers, whO go On t BtrlKoS J
suddenly.*
1 have Set AW tills UP In 2 Ilonvs & AhAlfJ
As tho foreman said he would like to
get the paper out this week, am! ho was
afraid if I kept at tho case all day there
would be so much matter set up that
he couldn’t get it all in, I knocked off
and called it half a day.
But I shall not give up the printing bu
siness.
After the brilliant progress I havo made
this morning, the evidence of which is
before you, I shall pursue the study of the
art, ami learning that there is a printing
oiTlcc in your vicinity for sale. I think I
will buy it out and learn tho-busincss at
my leisure.
It is a good thing to know how to set
type.
LI is likewise a very respectable busl
icss.'
Franklin was a printer before ho took
to boiling lightning, signing the Declara
tion of Independence, and the foreign
embassy business.
But he never went on strikes.
Ho was a philosopher, and there is no
philosophy in strikes.
I havo great regard for printers.
Particularly for the printers of the Ea
gle. oflico, who have set up my letter dur
ing tho past four years.
Consequently, 1 wouldn’t put anything
in tho way of their welfare.
But newspapers nuist.be printed.
The wants of the American people are
not to bo trifled with,and the mechanical
genius of this ago rises equal to any emer
gency.
So I give tho compositors fair warning
that if they don’t go to work at once X
will invent a machine which will obviate
all further necessity for their services.
It will be a wonderful triumph of .me
chanical genius; aii you will have to do
will be to put your copy In a receptacle
like a iottpr-box, turn a eruuk, ami it will
come out in typo ready for the form.
f hud thought of a steam foreman fodo
the rest of tho work—make up the form
and send it to the press—but, as Buckley
is a pretty good fellow, and has a largo
family and a mortgage on his house, I
won’t abolish his occupation yet a while.
If you want any more assistance to set
up type, send for me. ,
You see what I can do.
Yours in any emergency,
Couuy O’Lanus.
SST* There was a dry old fellow out in
Jefferson county, in this State, who call
ed one day on the member of Congress
elect. The famity were at breakfast, and
tho old man was not in a decent trim to
bo invited to sit by; but he was hungry,
and determined to get an invitation.
“What’s tho news?” inquired the
Congressman.
“ Nothing much, but ouo of my neigh
bors gave his child such a queer mime.”
* Ah ! and what name wasthut?"
“ Why, Come and Eat.”
The name was bo peculiar that it was
repeated.
“ Come and fiat f u
“Yea, thank you,’* said the old man,
1 don’t cave if I do,” and drew up to
10 tabic. . .
“ Old Uncle Spmkor,” well known
up in the voJley of the Mohawk, once re
lated a misfortune which had happened
to his son in this wise:
“PoorHans’ he hit himself mit a rat-
tlesnake, and vaah sick into his ped,
speechless, for six waks in der mont’ of
AugoosL; and all his cry vash ■* Vatcr,
vatorl* Und ho couhln’t cat nodlng, ex*
cept a Ummllc- de», midout no sugar into
Tim Bishop of Wurtzburg once asked
a sprightly shepherd boy: “ What are
you doing here, my lad?” “Tending
swine.” ' “How much do you get?”—
“ One llorin a week. “ I also am a shop
herd,” continued the bishop, but I
have a much bettersalary.” “ Thatmay
bo; but then, I suppose you have more
swine under your care,” innocently re
plied the boy.
Bate© for 3liWertising
ADVEimsKMENTS will bo Inserted at Ten Cem
per line for the first insertion, and live ccnF
per lino for each subsequent Insertion! Q,imf
ter/y, half-yearly, and yearly advertisements in
scried nt a liberal redaction on tho above rales
Advertisements should bo accompanied' by tin
Oisii. When sent without any length of time
Bpeeiflcd for publication, they will bo continued
.until ordered out and charged accordingly.
JOB PRINTING.
ODDS ASH ENDS.
„ Gl ' N *' lD ,s l havo more than the
slings of old,
... .iVrvxxnaufleajaan
way home-
Champagne is the cause of many real
pains.
Punch Is the cause of many unfriendly
punches.
. The fellow- who wrote “Ask me no
more,” was probably “ full.” '
Ale causes aillngs, and beer stretches
many upon their bier.
Brandy brands the noses of those who
can not govern their appetites.
The man who wrote "I’m saddest
when I slug/ 1 jvps a fool to sing much.
The chap who sung “Ah 1 don’t min
gle,” takes his whisky straight.
Whisky is the key which many gain
an entrance into prisons and almshouses.
Ip you can say nothing good of one
say nothing at all.
The language of flowers—” Well, I’m
blowed!”
Why is Glllot accountable for much
alsLioueaty? Because ho makes people
steel pens, and says they do write.
A "Western Man soys ho always re
spects Old ago except- wlicu nume one
sticks him with a pair of tough chickens.
Why are young ladles generally bad
grammarians ? Because few of them are
able to decline matrimony.
What is the difference between a man
hitting his wife's nasal organ and a wo
man knitting stockings ? One hits her
nose, and the other knits her hose.
What is the difference between a saw
mill tender, and a sailor? One goes to
see and the other goes to saw.
A Wheeling M.D. advertises a French
medicine, one bottle of which will enable
a person to talk French in three weeks.
The chap who wrote to his folks to
‘ Take mo homo to die,’ got better and
concluded to remain where ho was.
A Man advertises a now patent stove
which saves three-quarters of the coals,
while tub osfaesitmakes paysforthe oth
er quarter.
Wjjat 1b the dfiTerenco between one.
who walks and one who looks' up a flight
of stairs? One steps up stairs, and the
other stares up steps.
The man who wrote to his love ‘Am
I not fondly thine.own?’ found her in
the arms of a rival one night and con
cluded ho wasn’t.
The girl who sang, *O, Charlie Is my
darling,’ saw him one night with another
feminine and don’t sing It os much us
she did.
The fellow who tpied to got up a con
cert with the band of his bat. is the same
genius who, a few weeks since, played
upon the affections of an unknown lady.
A Printer, in setting up tho sentence,
‘ Wo are but parts of a stupendous whole,’
by mistake of a letter made it read, * We
arc but parts of a stupendous wbalc,’
A Little One, after undergoing the
disagreeable operation of vaccinatipn,
exclaimed, “ now I won’t have to be bap
tized, will I?”
* I have lost flesh,’ said a toper to his
companion. ‘No great loss,’ said the
other, ‘os you have made It up in spir
its.’
The man who sung, ‘O, breathe no
more that simple air.’ went into the
smoking car where tho air was more
mixed*
There is said to bo an old lady down
on Long Island so very fat that the
neighbors use her shadow for griddle
greasing. To keep her from slipping out
of bed, her husband roils her in ashes.
The editor of a paper out West, who
has just failed, says he died with all the
honors of war, ana retired from the field
with colors flying—the ShorilTs flag flut
tered from two windows and the door.
' In Sweden none but Indies of a certain
degree are permitted to wear bonnets!—
Such a law would apparently well suit
some of our ladies, who seem to be very
anxious to leave their bonnets behind
them.
During Bragg’s retreat from Middle
Tennessee, two rebel soldiers stopped at
tho house of Mr! K , and one of them
proposed a trade fora very flue horse, but
thought that a large white spot ou tho
horse’s forehead lessened his value some
what.
Quite a laugh was
premo Court, not long sindt*, by an ofll
cial, who, when the called out for
tho crier to open the ccmit, said, —
“May-it please the crier
can’t •cry tb-day, because his wife is
dead!” pf
One of tho boys in a New Orleans
school was asked, after various definitions
had been given by others, mostly quit©
correct, what was meant by the verb to
tantalize? He replied; “It was to ask a
great many questions and then criticise
the answers I”
A fellow coming out of a tavern one
frosty morning, rather top heavy! fell on
the door step. Trying to regain his foot
ing he remarked : “ If it be true that the
wicked stand on slippery ground, I must
belong to another class, for it’s more than
I can do.” x
A countryman going to market with
a load of pork was met by $ young girl,
who very genteelly made hlrti a low cour
tesy, when hp 1 exclaimed: “What! do
you make a courtesy to dead hogs?”—
“No sir,” answered tho girl,. “ to llvp
ones I”
A couple of neighbors became so In
imical that they would not speak to each
other; but one having been convertedat
a camp meeting, on seeing his former en
emy, hold out his baud saying: “How
d’ye do, Kemp ?” “ I am humble enough
to shake hands with a dog.”
A young lady who was reading a nov
el was asked by a gentleman how she
liked the style.
Reviewing the incidents In her memo
ry, she replied, “ the stylo? the stylo?—
O, sir, I’ve not come to that yet.’’
Pat, said Judge- Sniff to his neighbor,
in a sleeping car, you would have re
mained a long time in the old country
before you could have slept with a Judge.
Yea, yer honor, and ye would have been
a long time in the ould country before
ye’d been a judge.
A young man was frequently caution
ed by bis father to vote for “ measures,
not men.” He promised to do so, ami
soon after received a bonus to vote for a
Mr. Peck. His father* astonished at his
voting for a man whom he deemed ob
jectionable, inquired his reasons for do
ing so. Surely, father, said the youth,
“you told mo to vote for measures, ana
if Peck is not a measure I don’t know
what is.”
Plump Women. —The New York Ga
zette concludes a plea for ‘ plump women’
as follows: But whatever education our
girls have, let us haveHesa of it. Ameri
can girls are notorious for their pallor
and frailty and tendency to wither and
lose their charms at an early age. This
country has no greater want at the pres
ent time than of plump girls and plump
womenn. Let us have them plump ami
healthy, whether they know anything or
not. Wo can teach their children what
they do not know, if necessary; by all
means let us have rosy, blossoming, solid
women. The Pacific railroad Is not half
so important to the prosperity of this
country as the aggregate avoirdupois of
its \Vomou. The female sex of America
ought to weigh at least half os much
again as it does.
to fake a wiml-lni