AMEEICANIOLUNTEEE.
published evert xinnifltii.T iidniriitd
By Jolm Bi Bratton*
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ffariitiiL
THE SILENT LAND.
A voice from tho SUont Land,
A voice from tho Spirit Shoro,
A low sweet tone, like tho night wind’s sigli
That callcth forever more,—
»<Como to the land of peace, #
Gome to that happy strand—
Come whore tho sighs and weepings cease,
Como to tho Silent Lahdl”
Come to the Silent Land, —
Thou hast lingered long alone, K'
And thy weary soul on its ceaseless wings
No resting place hath known 5
But come where tho breath of peace
Is sweet on tho shadowy strand,
And fold thy wings from its weary flight,
Far in tho Silent Land I
A. form from tho Spirit Shore,
. A form from tho Silent Band:—
A pale sweet form, with a radiant brow,
. That becks with shadowy hand j
Soft tearful eyes that upon mo gleam.
Like stars through tho midnight gloom
And foot that glide with noislcss tread
Doyn to the Silent Tomb;
And my spirit hoars that call,
Mid tho weary calm of life,
And I hoar the footsteps softly fall,
Mid Us sound of torrent strife;
Load on, lead on, pale phantom form,
With thy dim and shadowy hand,
I follow fast in thy gliding path,
Into tho Silent Land.
Into the Silent Land,
Unto my homo of rest,
Away in the spirit World—
Whore tho weary soul is blest.
Oh I my spirit dose rejoice to Oeo
To that far and peaceful strand,
And I go with joy and trustfulness
Into tho Silent Land.
HkEllamnuß.
THE WIDOW’S BEAU : OR,
A BIT AT GOSSIPEBS,
BT MBS. CAROLINE A. SOULE.
Service hod commenced in the neat little sanc
tuary, which the inhabitants of Fairmount hud
consecrated to the worship of God. The min
ister had read the Psalm and the Scripture les
son, and the first Hues of tho opening hymn.—
The eyes of the people were fixed Intently upon
him, for ho was not only a good, sound, eloquent
preacher, but ho was a fine looking one, too,
and thus enchained usually not only tho atten
tion of tho true but tho false worshipper. Tho
house was very still—tho clear melodious tones
of tho spoakor were the'only sounds that throb
bed on tho balmy, goldon air, which tho midsum
mer Sabbath morn had breathed into that holy
ploco. Tho first syllabic of tho second lino was
trembling on his lips, when a rustle at tho door,
and tho entrance of two persons, a lady and a
gentleman, dissolved tho charm. In a second,
every oyo turned from tho pulpit to tho broad
alslo, and watched with more than ordipqry ea
gerness tho progress of the couplo. A most
searching ordeal were they subjected to, and
when they were fairly and quietly seated in the
front pew. Immediately before tho pulpit, what
a nudging of elbows there wos, oyo, ond how
many whispers too. In vain sought tho good,
the sound, tho uloquont, tho handsome Mr. B.
to steal again tho attention ofhis hearers. They
hod eyes ond thoughts for nobody but widow C.,
and widow C’s. young and dashing looking at
tendant.
Uow she had cheated them I Hadn’t she said
she did’nt fool as though she could over-wear
anything but mourning 7 And in spito of these
protestations, had’nt she come out, all at once,
dressed in white, and walked into church in
broad daylight, loaning on tho arm of a young
gentleman 7
Tos indeed sho had. She would have plead
guilty to all these charges, grave ones as they
were, and to tho last two, how many witnesses
might have boon subpoentod. Sho was actually
dressed in white. A beautiful robe of India
mull, tucked to tho waist, with an open corsage
displaying an elaborately wrought chemisette,
drapery sleeves, trimmed with the richest of
Mechlin lace, undorslccvcs of tho same expensive
material, a white crape shawl, a white loco hat
with orange buds and flowers, white kid gloves
and light gaiters—such was tho description every
lady had on her tongue’s end to repeat over as
soon as tho sorvlco was closed. And tho gen
tleman—ho was dressed In stylo. Don’t ho wear
white pants of tho latest pattern, and a white
vest, and a coat of «satin finish,” and white kids
too; and don’t ho sport a massive chain, and
didn’t ho gaso often, tenderly, and lovingly, on
tho fhlr creature bcsldo him 7 Ah, yes, lie did i
so, and there was no further room to doubt,—
Widow 0, had cheated them. Sho had won a 1
beau, laid asldo her mourning, put on a bridal *
attiro, and was going to ho married in church.—
But who tho beau was, or whence ho came, was I
more difficult to solve. ]
Service proceeded. The choir sang, and the
minister prayed and preached—the people won*
dored when the ceremony would take place.—
But, to their utter astonishment, they wore left
to wonder. For when the benediction was pro
nounced, widow C. and the strange gentleman
walked with the rest of the congregation quietly
out of church. When they reached the pave
ment, ho offered his arm very gracefully, and aha
placed her hand very confidingly on the beauti
ful soft coat sleeve, and they passed on.
What a morning that was in Falrmounl I
What a world of conjectures, surmises, Inqui
ries and doubts rolled over and over In tbo brains
of not only gossiping ladies, but sober matter-of
fact gentlemen. «Tho llko of such a thing* had
never occurred In the annals of the village.—
Thoro was something now under the sun j a lady
hod had a beau, and nobody know It. Widow
0., didn’t your oars burn that day ? Ah, wo
wonder they hadn’t dropped oft'j surely they
boon cr * 8 P and crimson.
. Thoftov. Mr. B. preached to a crowded houso
that afternoon j no compliments to him though,
iho magnet was in the pew before him. Every
ono was sure the wedding would take place then}
I? * was again sadly disappointed j
«i Ihad run at railroad speed before,
they travelled then on electric wires. Thomiu
ister might have preached In Greek that day,
and his sermons would hayo boon quite as cdl
i j* i ono B uhject engrossed the village
widow’s beau, that was the topic.,
♦.. i, Q . clual l> r Bocm °d» too, as though tho lady
mea to make all tho talk she could. After ton,
wn'uri 1 * m * ' y dh tho strango gentleman, she
lon S th of tho Tillage, anil
tin nto tbo cemetery, and never returned
mi ujo moon was high,
drawled oi?t l?J Wn 8 ? rCB3 ’ 1 K ,lCfla she had,”
tho w!dow»«°l? gran< J ma W-» ns Bho listened to
cot fn r* n* d ? rln S"* “I’m glad I haln’t
hi ’ nil drabbled up with dew os It
or finMii V i?, koO i”"t don’t ’sposo aho thought
wltli hlm ft "n 0 ? i 1 n OUt so carried away
filvo hor a piece of my mind
r tlmo I have a chance, see If I don’t.—
Wonting us all In this way.”
nTiftiJifi 10 gooc \ began to fear that she
i , l i° Vor hnvo tho desired chonco. She
2 , hrough . hor washing on Monday, and
>«,» ,I G( I, OVOl ' 1° tho widows os soon as possible,
uut tho door was locked, and one of tho neigh
pora said Mrs. and tho gentleman wont off in a
BY JOHN B. BRATTON.
VOL. 40.
carriage, nobody know whcro, very early In tho
morning. ‘‘Yea, and never got homo till nine
o’clock in tho evening.** Look out, widow! —
Tour character Is on tho carpet.
If sho know it, apparently she didn’t enro, for,
tho next day sho wont a sailing with her beau,
and next day rambling with him off to the moun
tain, and on tho next forenoon went with him in
a carriage to tho station house, and there not
only wept as sho parted from him, but actually
embraced and kissed him.
“What,in broad daylight?” exclaimed grand
ma W. “Well, if I ever seed or heard tho like
on’t.”
Little Nell, tho old lady’s youngest grand
child, wondered to herself if it was any worse In
broad dayhght than at,any other time. Per
haps you will wonder too. Wo do at Iciest.
There was a very largo attendance that after
noon at tho weekly meeting of tho sowing soci
ety. Everybody went that could possibly leave
home. And what a chattering there was when
the bustle of assembling was over. There was
one topic, but that was all sufficient, all ongro
sing; tho widow’s beau—for the gentleman must
bo her beau, or at least be ought to be.
Everybody bad something to toll, something
to wonder about. But suddenly every magpie
tongue was hushed, a universal stroke of numb
palsy seemed to have fallen on the group, as
looking up, it perceived the very lady about
whom they were conversing so eagerly, stand
ing In tho door-way.
“Good afternoon, ladies,” said she in her usu
al quiet, lady-like way. “I am glad to see so
largo and happy a gathering. It is a beautiful
day for our meeting;” and then sho proceeded
to tho table, helped herself to a block of patch
work, inquired for the sewing silk, which, hav
ing received, sho sat down In tho only vacant
chair, and commenced hemming a very red bird
with a yellow wing, on to a very green twig,
which latter had already been hemmed on to a
square piece of white cloth, and the whole when
completed was designed to form tho twentieth
part of a bed-spread. Sho seemed all engross
ed with the bird’s bill, and spoke to no one.—-
Everybody wondered if she hod had heard what
they were saying when sho came in, but her
placid countenance soon re-assured the most
fearful, and every one longed to commence a I
personal attack.
Old grandma W. was the first to venture—
She ment to ‘do up the matter* very delicately,
and in so ‘roundabout a way,* the lady should
not suspect her of curiosity. So sho began by
praising Mrs. C.’s dress. “Why it’s really a
beauty,” said she. “'Where did you got it?”
“I bought It,” was tho quick reply.
“Here ?”
“No.”
“Whore then ?”
“In New York, last Spring.”
“O, you did, did you 1 But I tho’t you wasn’t
never going to woor anything but black again.”
Every eye scrurinizcd tho lady’s face in search
of a blush, but it continued es pale as was usual,
while she answered:
“I did think and say so once, but I have final
ly changed my mind.”
“You have, bat But what made you ?”
“0,1 had good reasons.” Hero tho hearers
and lookers-on winked expressively at cacl
other,
“But did you not spoil you boantlfbl white
dress Sunday night, wearing It way up to the
burying ground 7”
“1 did not wear i 7.”
Hero was a dumper to tho old lady. She had
such a long lecture to read on extravagance, and.
she was so determlned.to do whor* unfor
tunately forTTor eloquent strain, Mrs. C.’s dress
had hung up in her wardrobe all tho timo, and
sho had worn an old black silk.
After a while tho old lady look a fresh start.
Sho would not bo so baffled again. Sho would
And out all about that boau before she wont homo,
‘that sho would.’ So sho began by saying,
“your company wont away this morning, did’nt
they 7”
“They did,” was tho answer, a wee bit of em
phasis resting on tho (i thcy."
“Ho dld’nt stay very long, did ho 7”
“Not as long as I wish ho had,” was tho cm
emphatlc answer this time. And how tho la
dies looked at each other. It was as good as
a confession.
“When did ho come 7”
“Saturday evening.”
“Was you looking for him 7”
“I had been expecting him a fortnight.”
“Why, du toll, if you had then, and you nev
er told on’t either. Hud ho business in the
place ?”
“Ho had.”
“WhatwosH?” This was rather more di
rect and blunt than grandma hod meant to put,
and she forthwith apologised by saying, Hdid’nt
moan that—l—l only thought I—
“0, I’d os llofyou knew as not,” said tho la
dy, with a charming air of naivette.
“0, widow 0.1 did your good name go down
then. Bo careful what you say next, or you’ll
have only a remnant of character to go home
with, and remnants go cheap.
“Ho did, did ho, and ho did’nt come for noth
ing olso then 7 But was you glad to boo him 7”
“Indeed I was. It was ono of tho happiest
moments of my existence.”
“Well, well,” said tho old lady, hardly know
ing how to frame her next question, “well, he’s
a real good looking man, any way.”
“I think so, too, and he’s not only good look
ing, but he’s good hearted ; ono ol tbo best men
I over knew.”
“You don’t say so I But is bo rich 7”
“Worth a hundred thousand or so,” said tho
lady carelessly.
“Why, du tell, If ho la. Why you’ll live llko
a lady, won’t you 7 But what’s his numo 7”
Tho old lady’s curiosity was now roused to
tho highest pitch.
“Henry Macon.”
“Macon I Macon 1 Why. wasn’t that your
name before you were married 7”
“It was.”
“Then he’s a connection, Is ho 7”
“Ho Is.”
“Du toll, If ho is, then 7 Not a cousin I hope.
I never did think much of marriages between
cousins,”
“Henry is not my cousin,”
“Ho Isn’t. Not your cousin I But what con
nection is ho, than, du tell, now 7”
“He it rny youngest brother. ”
If over thoro was rapid progress made In sow
ing and knitting, by any circle of ladles, It was
by those composing this society, for tho next
fifteen minutes. Not a word was uttered, not
an oyo raised. Had (ho latter been done, and
tho roguish and expressive glances which passsd
between Mi's. 0. and tho minister who, unob
served had stood on tho threshold, a silent spec
tator and curious hearer, perhaps, mind you.
wo only say perhaps, they might have guessed
more correctly llio name, character, standing
mid profession of tho widow’s beau.— Gleason's
Pictorial.
Ax Irish Mistake. —An Irish peasant was
carried before a magistrate on n charge of hav
ing stolon a sheep, the properly of Sir Garret
Fitz Maurice. Tho Juytlconskod him if ho could
road. To which ho replied <‘a little.” “You
could not bo Ignorant then,” said Mr. Quorum,
“that (lie sheep belonged to Sir Garret, as his
brand, G. F. M. was on them sir.” “True,”
replied tho prisoner, “but I really thought tho
letters stood for Good Fat Mutton.”
A Goon Answer.—A lady tho other day ask
ed a young gentleman of our acquaintance j—
“Sir, Is your wife os pretty as you are?” Ho
did not caro to bo complimented at the expense
of his wife, and so, by way of gontlo reproof, ho
blushlngly replied « “No, Miss, but sho has
very pretty manners.” No further interrogate
ad* WOr ° prol>ounde(i “I* o * lbat by fho
BENTON’S EULOGY ON HAMILTON,
| Col. Benton has given us a chapter nomin
ally on Aaron Burnt, but in reality more upon
■ General Hamilton. After speaking of Burr’s
, Presidential contest with Jeflerson, Col. Benton
, remarks, in the handsomest style of eulogy:
1 . General Hamilton was most thoroughly
; imbued with a sense of his unworthiness, and
deemed it duo to his country to balk his election
over Jefferson; and he did so. His letters to the
Federal members of Congress painted Burr in
his true character, and dashed from his grasp
and for ever, the gilded prize his hand was
touching. For that frustration of his hopes,
four years afterwards, he killed Hamilton in a
duel, having on the part of Burr the spirit of ah
assassination—cold-blooded, calculated revenge
ful and falsely pretexted. He alleged some tri
vial and recent matter for the challenge, such
as would not justify it in any code of honor; and
went to the ground to kill upon an old grudge
which he was asliamed to avow. Hard was the
fate of Hamilton—losing his life at theearlyage
of forty-two for having done justice to his coun
try m the person of the man to whom he stood
most politically opposed, and chief of the party
by which he had been constrained to retire from
the scene of public life at the age of thirty-four
—the ago at which most others begin it—he
having accomplished gigantic works. He was
the man most eminently and variously endowed
of all the eminent men of his day—at once a
soldier and statesman, with a head to conceive
and a hand to execute; a writer, an orator, a
jurist, an organized mind, able to grasp the
greatest system; an administrative, to execute
the smallest details, wholly turned to the prac
tical business of life, and, with a capacity for
application and production which teemed with
gigantic labors, each worthy to bo the product
of a single master intellect; but lavished in lit
ters from the ever teeming fecundity of his pro
lific genius. Hard fato, when withdrawing from
the public life at the age of thirty-four, he felt
himself constrained to appeal to posterity for
that justice which contemporaries withheld from
him. And the appeal was not in vain. Statues
rise to his memory, history embalms his name;
posterity will do justice to the man who, at the
age of twenty, was “ the principal and most
confidential aid of Washington,” who retained
tlic love and confidence of the Father of his
Country to the last; and to whom honorable
opponents, while opposing his systems of po- (
hey, accorded honor, patriotism, social aficc- ■
tions, and tranccmlcntal abilities. This chap- (
ter was commenced to write a notice of the i
character of Col. Burr; but the subject will not '
remain under the pen. At the appearance of '
that name, the spirit of Hamilton starts up to 1
rebuke the intrusion—to drive back the foul 1
apparition to its gloomy abode—and to conccn- 1
tratc all generous feeling on itself."
Jlr. Ecill’s Eloquent Eulogy on Mr. CnllionU'
The Portsmouth (Va.) Daily Globe reprodu
ces an extract from the late speech of the Hon.
L. M. Keitt upon the character and public
services of Mr. Caliiouk, which deserves to be
circulated as one of tho finest specimens of ora
tory to which tho debates of the present Con
gress have given rise. Tho Globe prefaces the
extract with the following highly complimen
tary remarks r
“(Beautiful .extracts from tho one- or two
speeches Mr. Kkitt has mad?, have gone *tho
rounds of tho press. The following, which has
scarcely ever been surpassed on tho same floor
for tho eloquence of the eulogy and tho beauty
of the simile, is one of the several single passa
ges which hove rendered his title of “ orator ”
valid and legitimate;
“ Sir, tho history of Mr. Calhoun for forty
years, is largely identified with tho history of
the Union. Splendid as was his intellect—glo
rious as were lus deeds—lua moral beauty puri
fied his character like the bow seen in the clouds.
No indirection ever marked his course. Win
or fail, he ever marched directly to his object.
Others might win their way to the pinnacle of
power by tortuous windings, as the serpent
climbs upwards by sinuous folds, yet leaving
behind, through bush and bramble, a track of
slime to mark its course. Hestooped upon the
summit as stoops the eagle from his lofty com
panionship with the sun. Never did criminal
ambition seduce him from tho duty of the pat
riot. Uo had travelled around tho circle of
human honors, and won each prize save one—
and that, too, was in his grasp—when ho turned
aside from the proud pathway of ambition to
pick up, all torn and sullied, tho Constitution
ofhis country. Exhausted and broken bylifo-
I long public service, he came heroowhile thick
1 clouds were gatheriug in our sky, to shield the
Union from outrage, and spend his last breath
iin tho struggle for constitutional right. , He
came hero, stripped of mortal ambition, to utter
his words of prophetic prevision, and then—the
oracle warm upon his lips—to die in yonder
hall, with his arras locked around tho pillarsof
the Constitution, breathing a farewell prayer
for its honor and integrity. *
Tho Poetry of Agriculture,
Tho principles of agriculture are exceedingly
simple. That they might be made so, God him
self was tho Urst great planter. Ho wrote its
laws, visible, in the brightest, loveliest, and
most intelligible characters, everywhere, upon
tho broad bosom of tho liberal earth ; in green
est leaves, in delicate fruits, in beguiling and
delicate ilowors! But he does not content him
self with this alone. Ho bestows tho heritage
along with tho example. Ho prepares the gar
den and tho home, before he creates tho being
who Is to’ possess them. lie fills them with all
thowvobjeots of sense and sentiment which are
to supply his moral and physical necessities.—
Birds sing in tho boughs above them, odors
blossom in tho air, and fruits and flowers cover
the earth witli a glory to which that of Solomon,
in all his magnificence, was vain and valueless.
To His hand wo owe these fair groves, these tall
ranks of majestic trees, these deep forests, these
broad plains covered with verdure, and these
mighty arteries of flood and river, which wind
them along, beautifying them with tho loveliest
inequalities, and irrigating them with seasona
ble fertilization. Thus did tho Alnughty plan
ter dedicate tho great plantation yscs of
that various and wondrous family wmoh was
to follow. His homo prepared—supplied with
all resources, adorned with every variety of fruit
and flower, and checkered with abundance, man
is conducted within its pleasant limits,.ami or
dained its cultivator under tho very oyo and
sanction of Heaven. The angels of Heaven de
scend upon its hills. God himself appears with
in its valleys at noonday—its groves areinstinct
with life and purity, and tho blessed stars rise
at night above tho celestial mountains to keep
watch over its consecrated interests. Its gor
geous forests, its broad savannahs, its levels of
flood and prairie, are surrendered into tho hands
of tho wondrously favored, the now-crcatcdheir
of Heaven! Tho bird and tho boast are made
his tributaries, and taught to obey him. Tho
fowl summons him at morning to his labors,
and tho evening chant of tho night-bird warns
him to repose. Tho ox submits his neck to tho
yoke; tho horse moves at his bidding in tho
plough: and tho toils of all aro rendered sacred
and successful by tho genial sunshine which
descend from heaven, to ripen the grain in its
season! and to make earth pleasant, with its
fruit.
Ynv‘- •
“OUR COUNTRY—MAY IT ALWAYS. ‘fcß RIGHT —BUT RIGHT OR WRONG, OUR COUNTRY.”
CARLISLE, MAY 25, 1854.
Blue against the bluer heavens
Stood the mountain calm and still;
Two white angels, bending earthward,
Leant upon the hill.
Listening lodnt those silent angels;
Audi also longed to hear
What sweet strains of earthly music
Thus could charm their car.
I heard the sound of .many trumpets,
And'a warlike march draw nigh ;
Sdleninlya mighty army
Passed.in order by.
But the clang had ceased { the echoes
Soon had faded from the hill;
While the angels, calm and earnest,
Leant and listened still.
Then I heard a falufer clamor:
Forgo and wheel were clashing near,
And the reapers In tlio meadow
Singing loud and clear.
■When the Sunset came in glory,
And the toil of day was o’er,
Still the angels lent in silence,
Listening os before.
Then, as dpyhght slowly vanished,
And the evening mists grew dim,
Solemnly from distant voices
Rosea vesper hymn.
Out the chant was done; and, lingering,
Pied upon the evening air 5
Yet from the hill the radiant angels
Still were listening there.
» ■' .
Silent came thogftthcring darkness,
Bringing with it sleep and rest;
Save a little bird was singing
In her leafy nest;
Through the sounds of war and labor
Sho had warbled all day long,
While the angles lout and listened
Only to her song.
But the starry night was coming,
And sho celtsod her little lay ;
From tho mountain top tho angels
Slowly passed away.
A Lawyer’s .Retaining F.c.
The Boston Post lets off (ho following anec
dote of Mr. Barchard, the revival preacher,
while ho was at Lockport, N. Y., which la rath
er amusing. It was Mr. B’s. custom to go about
tho villages to enlist the wealthy and influential
to attend his preaching, in order to give eclat to
his meetings. In tho course of his perambula
tions one day, ho fell in with Bob S., an attor
ney of some reputation and very famous for wit
and readiness at repartee s “Good morning,
Mr. S,” said tho revivalist, “I understand that
you are one of the leading men in this town and
a lawyer of high standing; 1 have called upon
you in hopes to engage you on the Lord’s side.”
“Thank you,” replied Hob, with an air of great
sobriety, and with tho most professional manner
possible; “thankyou—l should bo most happy
to bo employed on that side of tho case if I
could do so consistently with my engagements,
but you must go to some other counsel, as I have
a standing retainer from tho opposite party.”—
Tho itinerate was amazed, piqued, nonplused,
and departed without, nny further ceremony.
A THOROtrn-onßDDna jrATEjjA bad aaox.—A
gcntleirtan requested tlio loan of a pointer dog
from.a friend, and was Informed tnot tlio dog
would behave well so longna ho could hill his
birds, but If lie frequently missed them ho
would run holpo.and'lcavo (hem. The dog urns
sent, and the following day was fixed for trial ;
but, unfortunately, hfs ncwmaslcr was a remark
able bad shot., Blrfl after bird rose and was
and was fired dt, but still pursued its flight un
touched by the leaden showers that foil around
It, till at last the pointer became careless, and
alien missed his game; but ns if seeming willing
to give one chance more to his luckless master,
ho made a dead stand at a fem bush, with his
nose pointed downwards,the fore foot bent, and
his tall slraltand steady. In this masterly po
sition ho remained firm till the sportsman was
close to his tail, with both barrels cocked 5 then
moving steadily forward for a few paces, ho
at lust stood still near a bunch of heather, the
tall expressing the anxiety of the rolndby movo
ing backward and forward, when out sprang an
old black cock. Bang, bang, wont both barrels
but alas! the proud bird of the hearth soared in
the air unhurt. The patience of the dog was
now quite exhausted, nnd instead of crouching
at tho feet of his master till ho reloaded, ho
turned boldly round, laced his tail, close be
twoon his legs, gave one howl long and loud
and off ho set, nnd stopped not until within sigh
of tho kennel door
Plai.v Talk to YounoMe.v. —Thoytnlk about
staples and groat staples. Honest, industrious,
able voting men are tho great staple lu this
world of ours. Young man I you ore wanted,
but not for a doctor. No, noralawyer. There
are enough of them for this generation, and one
or two to spare. Don’t study “a profession,”
unless it be tho profession of bricklaying, or far
ming, or some other of tho manual professions.
Don’t measure tape if you can it. It’s hon
orable, and honest, and nil that, but you can do
bettor. Of all things, don’t rob tho women.
It’s their prerogative to handle silks and laces,
tape and thread. Put on your hat, then, like a '
man, and go out of doors. Get a good glow on
your, chock, tho jewelry of toll upon your brow,
and a good sot of well-developed muscles. Wo
would go If we could, but then wo wero young
longer ago than wo like to think, and you know
when one’s old ho can’t.
Besides, if you become a doctor, you’ll have
to wait—“because youhavon’ttho experience,”
says nq old practitioner j “because you are too
young,” say all tho women. If you are a lawyer,
likely to rise, they’ll put a weight on your head,
a In Swiss, to keep you under j If you make a
good argument, some old opponent,os groy os a
rat, will kick it all over, by some taunt or other,
because you wero not bom In tho year one.
And so it will go, until you grow tired and
soured, and wish you had boon a tinker, perhaps
“an immortal” one, or anything but just what
you arc.
Du a firmer, and your troubles ore over, or
rather, they don’t begin, “You of tho onrin,"
ns they used to say, “up to the skyyou aro
Independent all day, and tired, not weary, of
night. Tho nioro.nclghbora you have, and the
bettor fanners they are, tho more and bettor
tor you.
An Aoureatilh Customhr. — An amusing
acono took placo recently on the Eureka, Just ns
she was leaving for Cleveland. A rough looking
genius odmo aboard, with a powerful bull dognt
his heels. Walking directly into tho office, tho
Individual said to the clerk.,
“Stranger, I want to loavo my dog in this ’oro
ofllco till tho boat starts. I’m aflulcl somebody
will steal him."
“You can’t do It,” anld tho clerk. “Take
him out."
Well, stranger, that’s cruel i but you'rn both
dlaposltlonod alike, and he’s kinder company
for you,"
“Take him out," roared tho cleric.
, “Well, stranger, I don't think you're honoat,
and you wont watching i hero bull, alt down boro
and watch that follow qharp," and the Individual
turned on hla heels saying, “put him out, stran
ger, If he's troublesome."
Tho dog lay there when tho boat started,
wolohlng the dork, who gave him tho bolter
ha]/ of tho ofllco.
OS’* Mirth and Inncconco always remit from
a clear conolonco.
’iiSTENINfI ANGELS.
tliers, ono and all. Dr. Usher makes tho astou
nding statement in this work,thatahuman fossil
had boon found in New Orleans, In tho courso of
somo excavations In that city, to which a pro-
Adamite ago Is attributed. According to this
authority, the skeleton of a man, of tho confor
mation of Indians, was discovered at a depth of
alztoon foot, lying bolow a succession of four fos
sil cypress forests, to each of which tho ago of
14,400 years is glvon. Agassiz Is said to havo
accepted this, as a fret, and based upon Ithls as
sertion, that man existed-upon tho earth at least
150,000 years ago. The theologian mast cither
disprove this statement, or bo compelled to ad
mlt a new exegesis of Holy Writ.
Anecdote of Dr. Emmons.
The doctor, it is.said, was no great lover of
sweet sounds, and religiously excluded from his
meeting-house all instrumental music, except a
little piahogany-colorcd wooden pitch-pipe of
the size of an “eighteen-mo” book. A member
of his choir who mid learned to play the bass
viol, anxious to exhibit his skill, early one Sun
day. motuihg most unadvisedly introduced his
Wg fiddlo into the singing-gallery. After the
iirst prayer was ended, and the doctor began
to handle his “"Watts,” the 6ase violcr Uflcd up
his profanation, and trying its strings, instantly
attracted the doctor’s attention. He paused,
laid down his hymn-book, took his senrion from
tlio cushion, and proceeded with his discourse,
as if sinking was no part of public worship, and
Anally dismissed the congregation without note
or,comment. '.The whole choir was indignant.
| They stayed after meeting, and all the girls and
1 young men resolved not to go into tho “singing
seats” at all in theafternoon, and the elders who
did go there, boro tho visages of men whose
minds were made up. Services began as usual
irr the afternoon. The doctor took his book in
his hand, looked over his spectacles at tho gal
lery, and saw only a few there ; but nothing
daunted, read a psalm and sat down. No sound
followed, no one stirred; and the ‘leader’looked
up in utter unconsciousness. After a long and
most uneasy silence, the good man, his face
somewhat over-flushed, his manner rather stern,
read the psalm again, paused, then re-read the
first verse, and pushing up his spectacles, look
ed interrogatively at the gallery. The leader
could bear it no longer, and half vising, said
decidedly, “ There won’t be an}’ singing here
this afternoon.” “ Then there won't be. any
preaching !” said tho doctor, quick as thought;
and taking his cocked hat from its peg. he
marched down the pulpit stairs, through the I
broad aisle, and out of the house, leaving his j
congregation utterly astounded. Wc need not 1
inform our readers (hat the big fiddle used in '
the “singing scats” afterwards
A Yankee on a Bust.
“Mossy saiks alive, Eb’s back hum agin !
says cousin Sally, running into the kitchen to
Mann Green, who, up to her elbows in the
dough ' ‘drop all” and came out to sec her hope
full son stalk into tho porch os big as all oat
doors."
“Wher’ on nirth, Eb, hcv yon been?” says
tho old lady.
“Where hcv I been ? Why, daown’t Host
ing.”
“Massy saiks, Eb, what on nirth did yeou
dew—had ycou a good time, Ebenczer i"
“Good time? Oh-o-o-ugh, persimmons!—
hadn’t I a time ! Cute time, by golly : a-a-nnd, i
nmrm, I made tho money lly—did. by golly.” I
“Why haow you talk, *Eb!” says Mnrm j
Green. “I hope, son Ebcnezer, yeou didn’t;
break any of the commandments, or nothin ?” |
“Break the commandments ? Wa-a-all, noo, 1
didn't break nufb-tn.” Evcrlostin’ salvation.'
mann, ycou don’t a’posca feller’s agoin’ dcown
ten Boating and not cut a shine nor nolh-in."
Ycou see, mnrm, I went inteu a shiaw’p to gel
a drink of that almighty good stuff, spruce
beer, and two gals, sleek critters, axed mb Ufa
treat!” .
I— yeoxt didn't do it, though
“Wa-a-all, I did though, neow! I was aout
ion a time, marra, and I didn’t care a dam
whether school kept or not, as tho boy told his
boss.”
‘ ‘Ebcnczcr don V you mccav! ”
“llaint a gone to, Alarm; hut ycou sec,
them gals axed mo to treat, and I did, ami
don’t keer a dam who knows it! • Yeou sec I
paid for ther two glasses of spruce beer and
mine, that was a fo’pcnce, sla'p dab ; then 1
bought two cents worth of recsins, for ’em, and,
by Bcunkcr, I’d rather spent that hull nino
pcncc, than gone off sneakin' /”
Rare. — Years ago a blunt Vermont fanner
not altogether versed in Hie polite literature of
fashionable cookery, having by hard knocks ac
quired considerable property, took it into his
head to visit Boston, and started accordingly
«ith bis best ono-hyrse rig. Stopping near noon,
at one of tho “smart” villages on the route, ho
put up for a time and ordered dinner. When
asked what ho preferred, ho mentioned beef
steak, whereupon tho landlord inquired wheth
er ho would have it rare or well done. Tills was
a stumper far our friend, but thinking there might
bo something “glorious” in tho “uncertainty,”
ho assumed the air of ono “who know tho bricks,”
and ordered it rare. Ail things In readiness,
I our hero took a seal at the table and commenced
a vigorous onslaught on the smoking viands pla
ced before him. At the first cut of tho steak,
blood very generously followed tho knife, at
which ho started in astonishment and rang tho
boll furiously. Directly a waiter answered tho
summons and inqulrgd what bo wished.
“I want this beef cooked,” said the guest.
“But you ordered it rare,” replied the’waiter.
“I know It,” said the guest, assuming to un
derstand tho matter fully, “but ilia not quite
rigid j you may take it out and rare it over
again I”
A Shout story by Diocrss. —Dickens tells
the following story of an American sen cap
tain “On his last voyage homo the captain
had on board a young lady of remarkable per
sonal attraction—a phrase I use as one being
entirely new, and one you never meet with in
the newspapers. This young lady was beloved
intensely by tlvo young gentlemen, passengers,
and in turn she was in love with them oil very
ardently, but without any particular preference
for cithorv. Not knowing how to make up her
determination in this dilemma, she consulted
my friend the captain. The captain, being a
man of an original turn of mind, says to the
young lady, “Jump overboard and marry the
man who Jumps after you." Tho young lady,
struck with the idea, and being naturally fond
of bathing, especially in warm weather, as it
then was, took tho auvico of the captain, who
had a boat ready manned in ease of accident. —
Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers be
ing on deck, and looking very devotedly at the
young lady, she plunged into the sen head for
most. Four of the lovers immediately jumped
in after her. When tho young lady and her
Hour lovers were got out again, says to the cap
tain, “What mn I to do with them now, they
are so wet ?" Says tho captain, “Take the dry
onol" And the young lady did, and married
him.
A Mas Devour Adah.— -A conglomerate work,
to uso a geological phrase, has lately boon pub
lished, entitled, “Types of Manklnod," mndo
up of contributions from tho loto Dr. Morion,
Agassiz, Usher, Nott and Gliddon. This work
Is destined to create something of ft commotion
in tho religious world. The Idea of tho unity of
tho roco of man Is totally discarded by the ou-
AT 82,00 PER ANNUM.
An Animated Warming-Pan.
In Ireland a warming-pan is called a friar.
Not many years ago, an unsophisticated girl
took service in a hotel in the town of . Poor
thing, she had never heard of a warming-pan in
her life, though she regularly confessed to a
friar once a year.
It so happened on a cold and drizzly night
that a priest took lodgings at the inn. He had
travelled far, and being wcarv, retired at an
early hour. Soon alter, the'mistress of tho
house called the servant girl.
“Betty, put the friar in No. G.”
Up went Betty to tho poor priest.
“Your reverence must go into No. G, my mis
tpcss says.”
“How, what?” asked he, alarmed at being
•USturbcd. b
“Yoar reverence must go into No. 6.”
There wasmo help for it, and the priest arose
donned dressing-gown and went into No. 6.
In about fifteen minutes the mistress called
to Betty.
“Put the friar into No. 4.”
Butty sftid something about disturbing Ilia
reverence, which her mistress did not under
stand. So she told the girl, in a sharp voice, to
do as she was directed, and she would always
do right. Up went Betty, and the unhappy
priest, despite his angry portcstations, was ob
liged to turn out of No. d and go into No. 4.
But a little time elapsed ere the girl was told to
put the friar into No. 8, and the poor priest,
thinking that everybody was mad in the house,
and sturdily resolved to quit it the next morn
ing, crept into the damp sheets of No. 8. But
he was to enjoy no peace there. Betty was
again directed to put the friar into N. 3, aud
with tears in her eyes she obeyed.
In about an hour the landlady concluded to
go to bed herself, and the friar was ordered into
her room. ’Wondering what it all meant, Betty
roused up the priest, and told him he must go
into No. 11. I'hc monk crossed himself, count
ed his beads, and went into No. 11.
It so happened that the husband of the land
lady was trouble*! with tho green -eyed monster.
Going up to bed. therefore, before his wife, his
suspicions were continued by seeing between
his own sheets a man sound asleep. To rouse
the sleeper and kick him into the street was the
work of a moment : nor was the mistake ex
plained till next day, when the priest informed
the innkeeper what outrages had been commit
ted upon bun, and be learned, to his amaze
ment, that he had been serving the w bole night
as a warming-pan.
A Candidate fou Office !—a flat-footed
candidate for Justice of the Peace in Palestine,
Texas, ponies out in the journals with the fol
lowing address to the sovereigns :
“ "With the issuance of this sheet, is unfurled
to the breeze, either in tempest or in calm, my
j name before you as a candidate for the ofiloc of
| Chief Justice of Anderson county, at the ensu
-1 lug August chc'.ion. I do it from choice, not
from solicitation. Ido it. for the office is hon
orable and prolltablo. I feel myself competent
to discharge the duties of'the office. I claim
no superior merit or qualification over any one
else who may ohpso to run against me. I would
like to run the race solitary and alone ; but, if
any. them pitch ini it isn’t
dQCp..*T’rftandjmtrfootcd, square-toed, hump
shouldered,upon the platform of free rights and
true republicanism, if you elect mo your Chief
Justice, I will tnako the welkin ring with loud 1
1 huzzas for the sovereigns of Anderson county!
If defeated, I will retire with dignity and perfect
good-humor, remembering a most beautiful lit
tle song, which I sing remarkably well, called
I’m afloat, I’m afloat!”
They have nome queer Jurymen in lowa.
A few days since an old tojrt*rdled very sudden
ly; the coroner, In consequence, held on inquest
listened to the testimony ofo physician, and was
about rendering n verdict,‘“water on the brain,”
when Mr. Slocum Hopplepodle rlz to object.
“Mr. Coroner, I have known the deceased for
ten mortal years, and I know he has never seen
a sober moment in all that time. To say that
such a man cun die of ‘water on tho brain* is
therefore d d nonsense. It can't be did I
Consc u by—bo never tank any into his system.
Tim trno verdict. Mr. Coroner, should begin,
nun or brandy on the brain ; but, ns I am wil
ling to split tho difference, I compromise, and
bring in a verdict as follows : “Died from the
effectspf brandy and water on the brain.” The
compromise was agreed to, and tho verdict is a
part and parcel of the recorded doings of lowa.
Ety* Tho best repartee wo have lately seen,
came from Prentice, tho wag of tho Louisville
Journal. Tho editor of (ho Alabama Flog call
ed it out by the following squib : “Why Is the
editor of tho Louisville Journal’s career through
life liko a celebrated tune. Because it Is the
rogues march.” Prentice, who is a dead shot,
loaded his piece, ami lot the Flag man have it
right in his teeth, after tho following manner :
“Why will tho editor of tho Flag, at tho close of
his career through life, bo like a tune of Pagan
ini’s 7 Because ho will bo executed on a single
string.”
The Riout of Ministers.— The Rev. Dr. Ma
son, of Now York, passing up Broadway, stop
ped to road a theatrical placard, which attracted
Ids attention. Cooper, the tragedian, coming
along, said to him—
“Good morning, sir, do ministers of the Gos
pel read ouch things 7”
, “Why not, sir 7” said the Doctor, “ministers
of the Gospel have a right to know what the
devil is about as well ns other folks.”
TV Oman's Rights. —A good-looking husband,
eight children, and a happy home. As these
rights are easily obtained, wo hope tho sister
hood will tnko them into consideration. This
will pay better than holding offices, or “sitting
on a jury.” I
A Settlement.—“ Did you moan to soldo thin
bill at nil when you made it f” snld the creditor,
In a passionate manner,
“Jlmpli 1 Icoup coo],my rriorul,** said (ho debt
or,pulling n cigar with most admirable tang
froid .
“You want n nottlcmont I”
“To bo sure I do, sir.”
“Well, my dear sir, 1 assure you I meant to
nettle, and when I meant to nettle that was clear
ly n settle-men/! Hnl hnt 1m ! Goodmornlng,
my IVlend, I’ll see you again in the fall I”
A Clincher —During tho year 18t9, while
the yellow fever was raging with such violence
In this city, a gentleman travelling from Now
York slopped at a country town, whoro tho In
habitants wore mostly Dutch. During his slay,
ho was asked if tho report was true that two or
three hundred died every day In tho city. Ho
gave a negative answer, and said there had boon
only fifty orslxty cases In all.
“Well,** said tho Dutchman, “howmany gen
erally come fn a cat cf”
adlnnor party in Washington a few
days slnco, an eminent English writer and satir
ist requested to bo introduced to a fashionable
young lady remarkable for her beauty, and tho
admiration of tho opposite sox. Permission was
given, nnd after tho usual ceremonies of Intro
duction bad taken place, tho satirist remarked
that “he was happy In making the acquaintance
of one of the “tost” of America. Tho young
tody felt the oovort sneer, but replied, “And I,
sir, am happy to make tho acquaintance of one
of the snobs of London society.” A general I
laugh showed that the repartee was well appro-1
dated.— Boston IVanscript, 1
dhbhff ’ nnh (Bnki
D Zr' Pay your debts.
[D * An evil lesson is soon learned. •
(D* Debt is tho worst kind of poverty.
ID* A quiet tongue shows a wise head;
ID* Deliberate slowly—execute promptly;
CD* Adversity is the true touchstone of merit
(D* A little body often doth harbor a great
soul.
OD* The man who attempted to look into tho
future had the door slammed in his face.
BIT* Death comes alike to tho great and low*
and none can avoid the visit.
(D“ Industry and economy lead to wealth.—
The proper disposal of wealth brings happiness.
(D* Why is a homely girl like a blacksmith's
apron ? Because she keeps ofl the sparks I .
What a Goth !—A modem writer describes
ladies’ lips as “ the glowing gateway of beans,
pork, sourkrout and potatoes 1”
ID* A down cast editor says that modesty is
a quality tliat highly adorns a woman, and ruins
a man.
NO. 50.
E7* Widower—A liberated prisoner, who,
if “well to do,” the female portion of society
consider “wants looking after.”
-ID* Henry Ward Beecher says that “ dress,
does not make the man, but when the is
mode he looks better dressed up.”
ID* “ The motion is out of order,” as tho
chairman of a political meeting said when he satv •
a ruffian raising bis arm to throw a rotten egg.
ID*She that marries a man because he is li
“ good match,” must not bo surprised if ho
turns out a “ LtiCifcr.” ' .
[Cy* The literaiy society ig now in full blast. .
Question for discussion; If a mnn builds a corn
crib docs that give him a right to crib com I
C7* The naan who went for Southern meas-’'
urea has not returned. It is suggested that hO
may have fallen into one of them.
IC7* The lady who drew a comparison hod to
pullprotty hard, and seriously injured her mus
cular system.
O* - The cobbler who can toe tho mark,/oof
a bill, or heel a boot, has no occasion to give
leg bail.
The man who hung himself with a cord
of wood, has been cut down with the edge of a
precipice.
[C7“ There is a phrenologist up town, who
can tell the contents of a bowl by examining
its head. ...
[T7" ‘ ‘ Sambo, why am a locomotive bulgino
like n bed bug ?” •• I gib dat up, Mr. Dixon,
Tore you ax it.” “Bekaseit runs on sleepers."
[CT'Thc Salem Register calls tho prcvftiUng
movement in raising the salaries of the preachers
“ clerical sunbeams.” Golden ones, too. .
C7 1 * Cowardice consists, not in having fear,
but in yielding to it. In well ordered minds,
fear is the sentinel that wakes up courage.
(£7* A New York paper says that one of the
most troublesome consequences of the break in
the Croton dam is, the diminution of the daily
supply of milk! *
Fools.— -A country squire asked a juggler
why he played the fool? ‘For the same reason
you do; out of want. You do it for want of
wit; I for want of money.”
Educational. —Ex-Governor Slade, of Ver
mont, arrived at Chicago, on Thursday last,
accompanied by fourteen school marms for the
\> cat.
Tim Seasons—Not Thomson's.— '‘Como
here, nouny, and tell me what the four season#
arc! “ Pepper, mustard, salt and vinegirX
them s what mamma .always seasons with Vf
A couple' of Jjighw&ymcn nttcTnp tediio
rob the editor of the Syracuse Republican'll,
week. A tbit
of robbing an editor.'- \
Candid.—A man who Advertises for a com* -
potent person to undertake the sale of a new
S it ' TiUbo found i ,roflubl “
„ C 7" A Mr. Eiyan is in court nt Petersburg.
Vo., charged by Miss Williams with having
blackguarded her, slolo her keys, villifled her
reputation, and ruined her character and the
front door of her residence!"
Kossiak Idea of a» ANOKL.-Puneh Bays
JJncholas has called his brothcr-m-lcw, tho Kiag
of Prussia, ‘.'mi ougcl of peace." An angel—
after tho Russian view—has, of course, tiro
wings—one of infantry, and ono of artillery.
K7~ A waggish friend- of ours is of opinion
that tho initials A. M„ appended to tho names
or some college graduates, are placed there to
denote that they have mastered the two first
letters of the alphabet !
Rather Personal.—A New York editor,
finding a cabbage seed in a letter received from
a brother quill, wants to know if his correspon
dent has tho habit of scratching his head whilo
writing I
JET" God pity tho mg) or woman who has
nothing to do! Idleness is the mother of more
misery and crime than all other causes ever
thought of. or dreamed of by tho profoundcat
thinker or the wildest theorist.
K - Somebody odvcrtisca for agents to sell a
work entitled the “ liyracnial Instructor." Tho
best by menial instructor wo know of is a young
widow. hat she don’t know there is no use
m learning.
ID* An Irishman who was once on a jour
ney, said ho never liked to see tables full ofnews
papers where ho stopped over night, ‘for,’ said
he, T can never find any whiskey at such a
place.' A shrewd inference.
CD" "What nn insufferable puppy tbatyoung
officer is," said Brown, who had been rather
out shone in tho ball room by tho object of hla
cutting remark. “Yes," said his friend, •• ho
I is a. west Pointer."
I A beautiful thought Is this which wo
[ quote from a letter to tho editors of tha Cayuga
CUtef: " A foot of snow fell yesterday, and-to
day the sun looked nt it, and—the white vision
u murmuring in the brooks! u
i f?\ Tho " b , arbcr :PO |c P“nta" will most pro
bably bo supplanted, this spring, by tho “pio
lormls. Ono of the most common patterns reu
rrsont a waving ostrich feather running up tho
front of cacti leg. ° r
, 'C'T When a girl has arrived at tho ago whoa
she likes to have her hand squeezed by tho hot.
headed corduroy, make up your mind that hep
heart has begun to run on matrimony, honov
moon and cradles. J
. Ciiancb for Mock Turtle Soup.—An editor
mN. Hampshire offered to put hi*head against
sixpence upon some poUticaKjuestion. A bro
ther editor accepts the bet, says ho thinks it an
even ono, nnd oaks who shall hold tho stakes.
Good Advice.—When neertain English pain-
J.' v , in to a rage and into print because ono
of ms pictures had been roughly handled by tho
critics, ho was advised by Edmund Durko to
vindicate himself by his. brush rather than by
his pen.
K 7“ Tho Albany Express teha a very good
story about a barber-polo pantalooncd youth
who recently went on a visit to his
thor in tho country, and astonished her very j
much by wearing such “patched trowscra away
fromhomo.” J
Grace.—A Mayor of a certain corporation,
presiding at a great dinner, wh& the doth was •
removed, looked all down tho table fbr aolei*
|ayman td say grace, but observing none there
gravely got up and said, ..There ia not on, 1
clergyman present— thank Clod!"