AMEEICANIOLUNTEEE. published evert xinnifltii.T iidniriitd By Jolm Bi Bratton* TERMS SjtrnsoniPTiON. —Ono Dollar and Fifty Cents, i paid in advance 5 Two Dollars if paid within the year j, and Two Dollars and Fifty Cents, if not paid within tho year. Those terms will bo rigid ly adhered to in every instance. No subscription discontinued until all arrearages are paid unless at tho option of tho Editor. Advertisements — Accompanied by tho Cash, and not exceeding ono square, will bo inserted three times for ono Dollar, and twenty-flvo cents for each additional insertion. Those of a greater length in proportion. Jou-PniNTiNa—Such as Hand Bills, Posting Bills, Pamphlets, Blanks, Labels, &c., &c., exe cuted with accuracy and at tho shortest notice. ffariitiiL THE SILENT LAND. A voice from tho SUont Land, A voice from tho Spirit Shoro, A low sweet tone, like tho night wind’s sigli That callcth forever more,— » r Bocm °d» too, as though tho lady mea to make all tho talk she could. After ton, wn'uri 1 * m * ' y dh tho strango gentleman, she lon S th of tho Tillage, anil tin nto tbo cemetery, and never returned mi ujo moon was high, drawled oi?t l?J Wn 8 ? rCB3 ’ 1 K ,lCfla she had,” tho w!dow»«°l? gran< J ma W-» ns Bho listened to cot fn r* n* d ? rln S"* “I’m glad I haln’t hi ’ nil drabbled up with dew os It or finMii V i?, koO i”"t don’t ’sposo aho thought wltli hlm ft "n 0 ? i 1 n OUt so carried away filvo hor a piece of my mind r tlmo I have a chance, see If I don’t.— Wonting us all In this way.” nTiftiJifi 10 gooc \ began to fear that she i , l i° Vor hnvo tho desired chonco. She 2 , hrough . hor washing on Monday, and >«,» ,I G( I, OVOl ' 1° tho widows os soon as possible, uut tho door was locked, and one of tho neigh pora said Mrs. and tho gentleman wont off in a BY JOHN B. BRATTON. VOL. 40. carriage, nobody know whcro, very early In tho morning. ‘‘Yea, and never got homo till nine o’clock in tho evening.** Look out, widow! — Tour character Is on tho carpet. If sho know it, apparently she didn’t enro, for, tho next day sho wont a sailing with her beau, and next day rambling with him off to the moun tain, and on tho next forenoon went with him in a carriage to tho station house, and there not only wept as sho parted from him, but actually embraced and kissed him. “What,in broad daylight?” exclaimed grand ma W. “Well, if I ever seed or heard tho like on’t.” Little Nell, tho old lady’s youngest grand child, wondered to herself if it was any worse In broad dayhght than at,any other time. Per haps you will wonder too. Wo do at Iciest. There was a very largo attendance that after noon at tho weekly meeting of tho sowing soci ety. Everybody went that could possibly leave home. And what a chattering there was when the bustle of assembling was over. There was one topic, but that was all sufficient, all ongro sing; tho widow’s beau—for the gentleman must bo her beau, or at least be ought to be. Everybody bad something to toll, something to wonder about. But suddenly every magpie tongue was hushed, a universal stroke of numb palsy seemed to have fallen on the group, as looking up, it perceived the very lady about whom they were conversing so eagerly, stand ing In tho door-way. “Good afternoon, ladies,” said she in her usu al quiet, lady-like way. “I am glad to see so largo and happy a gathering. It is a beautiful day for our meeting;” and then sho proceeded to tho table, helped herself to a block of patch work, inquired for the sewing silk, which, hav ing received, sho sat down In tho only vacant chair, and commenced hemming a very red bird with a yellow wing, on to a very green twig, which latter had already been hemmed on to a square piece of white cloth, and the whole when completed was designed to form tho twentieth part of a bed-spread. Sho seemed all engross ed with the bird’s bill, and spoke to no one.—- Everybody wondered if she hod had heard what they were saying when sho came in, but her placid countenance soon re-assured the most fearful, and every one longed to commence a I personal attack. Old grandma W. was the first to venture— She ment to ‘do up the matter* very delicately, and in so ‘roundabout a way,* the lady should not suspect her of curiosity. So sho began by praising Mrs. C.’s dress. “Why it’s really a beauty,” said she. “'Where did you got it?” “I bought It,” was tho quick reply. “Here ?” “No.” “Whore then ?” “In New York, last Spring.” “O, you did, did you 1 But I tho’t you wasn’t never going to woor anything but black again.” Every eye scrurinizcd tho lady’s face in search of a blush, but it continued es pale as was usual, while she answered: “I did think and say so once, but I have final ly changed my mind.” “You have, bat But what made you ?” “0,1 had good reasons.” Hero tho hearers and lookers-on winked expressively at cacl other, “But did you not spoil you boantlfbl white dress Sunday night, wearing It way up to the burying ground 7” “1 did not wear i 7.” Hero was a dumper to tho old lady. She had such a long lecture to read on extravagance, and. she was so determlned.to do whor* unfor tunately forTTor eloquent strain, Mrs. C.’s dress had hung up in her wardrobe all tho timo, and sho had worn an old black silk. After a while tho old lady look a fresh start. Sho would not bo so baffled again. Sho would And out all about that boau before she wont homo, ‘that sho would.’ So sho began by saying, “your company wont away this morning, did’nt they 7” “They did,” was tho answer, a wee bit of em phasis resting on tho (i thcy." “Ho dld’nt stay very long, did ho 7” “Not as long as I wish ho had,” was tho cm emphatlc answer this time. And how tho la dies looked at each other. It was as good as a confession. “When did ho come 7” “Saturday evening.” “Was you looking for him 7” “I had been expecting him a fortnight.” “Why, du toll, if you had then, and you nev er told on’t either. Hud ho business in the place ?” “Ho had.” “WhatwosH?” This was rather more di rect and blunt than grandma hod meant to put, and she forthwith apologised by saying, Hdid’nt moan that—l—l only thought I— “0, I’d os llofyou knew as not,” said tho la dy, with a charming air of naivette. “0, widow 0.1 did your good name go down then. Bo careful what you say next, or you’ll have only a remnant of character to go home with, and remnants go cheap. “Ho did, did ho, and ho did’nt come for noth ing olso then 7 But was you glad to boo him 7” “Indeed I was. It was ono of tho happiest moments of my existence.” “Well, well,” said tho old lady, hardly know ing how to frame her next question, “well, he’s a real good looking man, any way.” “I think so, too, and he’s not only good look ing, but he’s good hearted ; ono ol tbo best men I over knew.” “You don’t say so I But is bo rich 7” “Worth a hundred thousand or so,” said tho lady carelessly. “Why, du tell, If ho la. Why you’ll live llko a lady, won’t you 7 But what’s his numo 7” Tho old lady’s curiosity was now roused to tho highest pitch. “Henry Macon.” “Macon I Macon 1 Why. wasn’t that your name before you were married 7” “It was.” “Then he’s a connection, Is ho 7” “Ho Is.” “Du toll, If ho is, then 7 Not a cousin I hope. I never did think much of marriages between cousins,” “Henry is not my cousin,” “Ho Isn’t. Not your cousin I But what con nection is ho, than, du tell, now 7” “He it rny youngest brother. ” If over thoro was rapid progress made In sow ing and knitting, by any circle of ladles, It was by those composing this society, for tho next fifteen minutes. Not a word was uttered, not an oyo raised. Had (ho latter been done, and tho roguish and expressive glances which passsd between Mi's. 0. and tho minister who, unob served had stood on tho threshold, a silent spec tator and curious hearer, perhaps, mind you. wo only say perhaps, they might have guessed more correctly llio name, character, standing mid profession of tho widow’s beau.— Gleason's Pictorial. Ax Irish Mistake. —An Irish peasant was carried before a magistrate on n charge of hav ing stolon a sheep, the properly of Sir Garret Fitz Maurice. Tho Juytlconskod him if ho could road. To which ho replied <‘a little.” “You could not bo Ignorant then,” said Mr. Quorum, “that (lie sheep belonged to Sir Garret, as his brand, G. F. M. was on them sir.” “True,” replied tho prisoner, “but I really thought tho letters stood for Good Fat Mutton.” A Goon Answer.—A lady tho other day ask ed a young gentleman of our acquaintance j— “Sir, Is your wife os pretty as you are?” Ho did not caro to bo complimented at the expense of his wife, and so, by way of gontlo reproof, ho blushlngly replied « “No, Miss, but sho has very pretty manners.” No further interrogate ad* WOr ° prol>ounde(i “I* o * lbat by fho BENTON’S EULOGY ON HAMILTON, | Col. Benton has given us a chapter nomin ally on Aaron Burnt, but in reality more upon ■ General Hamilton. After speaking of Burr’s , Presidential contest with Jeflerson, Col. Benton , remarks, in the handsomest style of eulogy: 1 . General Hamilton was most thoroughly ; imbued with a sense of his unworthiness, and deemed it duo to his country to balk his election over Jefferson; and he did so. His letters to the Federal members of Congress painted Burr in his true character, and dashed from his grasp and for ever, the gilded prize his hand was touching. For that frustration of his hopes, four years afterwards, he killed Hamilton in a duel, having on the part of Burr the spirit of ah assassination—cold-blooded, calculated revenge ful and falsely pretexted. He alleged some tri vial and recent matter for the challenge, such as would not justify it in any code of honor; and went to the ground to kill upon an old grudge which he was asliamed to avow. Hard was the fate of Hamilton—losing his life at theearlyage of forty-two for having done justice to his coun try m the person of the man to whom he stood most politically opposed, and chief of the party by which he had been constrained to retire from the scene of public life at the age of thirty-four —the ago at which most others begin it—he having accomplished gigantic works. He was the man most eminently and variously endowed of all the eminent men of his day—at once a soldier and statesman, with a head to conceive and a hand to execute; a writer, an orator, a jurist, an organized mind, able to grasp the greatest system; an administrative, to execute the smallest details, wholly turned to the prac tical business of life, and, with a capacity for application and production which teemed with gigantic labors, each worthy to bo the product of a single master intellect; but lavished in lit ters from the ever teeming fecundity of his pro lific genius. Hard fato, when withdrawing from the public life at the age of thirty-four, he felt himself constrained to appeal to posterity for that justice which contemporaries withheld from him. And the appeal was not in vain. Statues rise to his memory, history embalms his name; posterity will do justice to the man who, at the age of twenty, was “ the principal and most confidential aid of Washington,” who retained tlic love and confidence of the Father of his Country to the last; and to whom honorable opponents, while opposing his systems of po- ( hey, accorded honor, patriotism, social aficc- ■ tions, and tranccmlcntal abilities. This chap- ( ter was commenced to write a notice of the i character of Col. Burr; but the subject will not ' remain under the pen. At the appearance of ' that name, the spirit of Hamilton starts up to 1 rebuke the intrusion—to drive back the foul 1 apparition to its gloomy abode—and to conccn- 1 tratc all generous feeling on itself." Jlr. Ecill’s Eloquent Eulogy on Mr. CnllionU' The Portsmouth (Va.) Daily Globe reprodu ces an extract from the late speech of the Hon. L. M. Keitt upon the character and public services of Mr. Caliiouk, which deserves to be circulated as one of tho finest specimens of ora tory to which tho debates of the present Con gress have given rise. Tho Globe prefaces the extract with the following highly complimen tary remarks r “(Beautiful .extracts from tho one- or two speeches Mr. Kkitt has mad?, have gone *tho rounds of tho press. The following, which has scarcely ever been surpassed on tho same floor for tho eloquence of the eulogy and tho beauty of the simile, is one of the several single passa ges which hove rendered his title of “ orator ” valid and legitimate; “ Sir, tho history of Mr. Calhoun for forty years, is largely identified with tho history of the Union. Splendid as was his intellect—glo rious as were lus deeds—lua moral beauty puri fied his character like the bow seen in the clouds. No indirection ever marked his course. Win or fail, he ever marched directly to his object. Others might win their way to the pinnacle of power by tortuous windings, as the serpent climbs upwards by sinuous folds, yet leaving behind, through bush and bramble, a track of slime to mark its course. Hestooped upon the summit as stoops the eagle from his lofty com panionship with the sun. Never did criminal ambition seduce him from tho duty of the pat riot. Uo had travelled around tho circle of human honors, and won each prize save one— and that, too, was in his grasp—when ho turned aside from the proud pathway of ambition to pick up, all torn and sullied, tho Constitution ofhis country. Exhausted and broken bylifo- I long public service, he came heroowhile thick 1 clouds were gatheriug in our sky, to shield the Union from outrage, and spend his last breath iin tho struggle for constitutional right. , He came hero, stripped of mortal ambition, to utter his words of prophetic prevision, and then—the oracle warm upon his lips—to die in yonder hall, with his arras locked around tho pillarsof the Constitution, breathing a farewell prayer for its honor and integrity. * Tho Poetry of Agriculture, Tho principles of agriculture are exceedingly simple. That they might be made so, God him self was tho Urst great planter. Ho wrote its laws, visible, in the brightest, loveliest, and most intelligible characters, everywhere, upon tho broad bosom of tho liberal earth ; in green est leaves, in delicate fruits, in beguiling and delicate ilowors! But he does not content him self with this alone. Ho bestows tho heritage along with tho example. Ho prepares the gar den and tho home, before he creates tho being who Is to’ possess them. lie fills them with all thowvobjeots of sense and sentiment which are to supply his moral and physical necessities.— Birds sing in tho boughs above them, odors blossom in tho air, and fruits and flowers cover the earth witli a glory to which that of Solomon, in all his magnificence, was vain and valueless. To His hand wo owe these fair groves, these tall ranks of majestic trees, these deep forests, these broad plains covered with verdure, and these mighty arteries of flood and river, which wind them along, beautifying them with tho loveliest inequalities, and irrigating them with seasona ble fertilization. Thus did tho Alnughty plan ter dedicate tho great plantation yscs of that various and wondrous family wmoh was to follow. His homo prepared—supplied with all resources, adorned with every variety of fruit and flower, and checkered with abundance, man is conducted within its pleasant limits,.ami or dained its cultivator under tho very oyo and sanction of Heaven. The angels of Heaven de scend upon its hills. God himself appears with in its valleys at noonday—its groves areinstinct with life and purity, and tho blessed stars rise at night above tho celestial mountains to keep watch over its consecrated interests. Its gor geous forests, its broad savannahs, its levels of flood and prairie, are surrendered into tho hands of tho wondrously favored, the now-crcatcdheir of Heaven! Tho bird and tho boast are made his tributaries, and taught to obey him. Tho fowl summons him at morning to his labors, and tho evening chant of tho night-bird warns him to repose. Tho ox submits his neck to tho yoke; tho horse moves at his bidding in tho plough: and tho toils of all aro rendered sacred and successful by tho genial sunshine which descend from heaven, to ripen the grain in its season! and to make earth pleasant, with its fruit. Ynv‘- • “OUR COUNTRY—MAY IT ALWAYS. ‘fcß RIGHT —BUT RIGHT OR WRONG, OUR COUNTRY.” CARLISLE, MAY 25, 1854. Blue against the bluer heavens Stood the mountain calm and still; Two white angels, bending earthward, Leant upon the hill. Listening lodnt those silent angels; Audi also longed to hear What sweet strains of earthly music Thus could charm their car. I heard the sound of .many trumpets, And'a warlike march draw nigh ; Sdleninlya mighty army Passed.in order by. But the clang had ceased { the echoes Soon had faded from the hill; While the angels, calm and earnest, Leant and listened still. Then I heard a falufer clamor: Forgo and wheel were clashing near, And the reapers In tlio meadow Singing loud and clear. ■When the Sunset came in glory, And the toil of day was o’er, Still the angels lent in silence, Listening os before. Then, as dpyhght slowly vanished, And the evening mists grew dim, Solemnly from distant voices Rosea vesper hymn. Out the chant was done; and, lingering, Pied upon the evening air 5 Yet from the hill the radiant angels Still were listening there. » ■' . Silent came thogftthcring darkness, Bringing with it sleep and rest; Save a little bird was singing In her leafy nest; Through the sounds of war and labor Sho had warbled all day long, While the angles lout and listened Only to her song. But the starry night was coming, And sho celtsod her little lay ; From tho mountain top tho angels Slowly passed away. A Lawyer’s .Retaining F.c. The Boston Post lets off (ho following anec dote of Mr. Barchard, the revival preacher, while ho was at Lockport, N. Y., which la rath er amusing. It was Mr. B’s. custom to go about tho villages to enlist the wealthy and influential to attend his preaching, in order to give eclat to his meetings. In tho course of his perambula tions one day, ho fell in with Bob S., an attor ney of some reputation and very famous for wit and readiness at repartee s “Good morning, Mr. S,” said tho revivalist, “I understand that you are one of the leading men in this town and a lawyer of high standing; 1 have called upon you in hopes to engage you on the Lord’s side.” “Thank you,” replied Hob, with an air of great sobriety, and with tho most professional manner possible; “thankyou—l should bo most happy to bo employed on that side of tho case if I could do so consistently with my engagements, but you must go to some other counsel, as I have a standing retainer from tho opposite party.”— Tho itinerate was amazed, piqued, nonplused, and departed without, nny further ceremony. A THOROtrn-onßDDna jrATEjjA bad aaox.—A gcntleirtan requested tlio loan of a pointer dog from.a friend, and was Informed tnot tlio dog would behave well so longna ho could hill his birds, but If lie frequently missed them ho would run holpo.and'lcavo (hem. The dog urns sent, and the following day was fixed for trial ; but, unfortunately, hfs ncwmaslcr was a remark able bad shot., Blrfl after bird rose and was and was fired dt, but still pursued its flight un touched by the leaden showers that foil around It, till at last the pointer became careless, and alien missed his game; but ns if seeming willing to give one chance more to his luckless master, ho made a dead stand at a fem bush, with his nose pointed downwards,the fore foot bent, and his tall slraltand steady. In this masterly po sition ho remained firm till the sportsman was close to his tail, with both barrels cocked 5 then moving steadily forward for a few paces, ho at lust stood still near a bunch of heather, the tall expressing the anxiety of the rolndby movo ing backward and forward, when out sprang an old black cock. Bang, bang, wont both barrels but alas! the proud bird of the hearth soared in the air unhurt. The patience of the dog was now quite exhausted, nnd instead of crouching at tho feet of his master till ho reloaded, ho turned boldly round, laced his tail, close be twoon his legs, gave one howl long and loud and off ho set, nnd stopped not until within sigh of tho kennel door Plai.v Talk to YounoMe.v. —Thoytnlk about staples and groat staples. Honest, industrious, able voting men are tho great staple lu this world of ours. Young man I you ore wanted, but not for a doctor. No, noralawyer. There are enough of them for this generation, and one or two to spare. Don’t study “a profession,” unless it be tho profession of bricklaying, or far ming, or some other of tho manual professions. Don’t measure tape if you can it. It’s hon orable, and honest, and nil that, but you can do bettor. Of all things, don’t rob tho women. It’s their prerogative to handle silks and laces, tape and thread. Put on your hat, then, like a ' man, and go out of doors. Get a good glow on your, chock, tho jewelry of toll upon your brow, and a good sot of well-developed muscles. Wo would go If we could, but then wo wero young longer ago than wo like to think, and you know when one’s old ho can’t. Besides, if you become a doctor, you’ll have to wait—“because youhavon’ttho experience,” says nq old practitioner j “because you are too young,” say all tho women. If you are a lawyer, likely to rise, they’ll put a weight on your head, a In Swiss, to keep you under j If you make a good argument, some old opponent,os groy os a rat, will kick it all over, by some taunt or other, because you wero not bom In tho year one. And so it will go, until you grow tired and soured, and wish you had boon a tinker, perhaps “an immortal” one, or anything but just what you arc. Du a firmer, and your troubles ore over, or rather, they don’t begin, “You of tho onrin," ns they used to say, “up to the skyyou aro Independent all day, and tired, not weary, of night. Tho nioro.nclghbora you have, and the bettor fanners they are, tho more and bettor tor you. An Aoureatilh Customhr. — An amusing acono took placo recently on the Eureka, Just ns she was leaving for Cleveland. A rough looking genius odmo aboard, with a powerful bull dognt his heels. Walking directly into tho office, tho Individual said to the clerk., “Stranger, I want to loavo my dog in this ’oro ofllco till tho boat starts. I’m aflulcl somebody will steal him." “You can’t do It,” anld tho clerk. “Take him out." Well, stranger, that’s cruel i but you'rn both dlaposltlonod alike, and he’s kinder company for you," “Take him out," roared tho cleric. , “Well, stranger, I don't think you're honoat, and you wont watching i hero bull, alt down boro and watch that follow qharp," and the Individual turned on hla heels saying, “put him out, stran ger, If he's troublesome." Tho dog lay there when tho boat started, wolohlng the dork, who gave him tho bolter ha]/ of tho ofllco. OS’* Mirth and Inncconco always remit from a clear conolonco. ’iiSTENINfI ANGELS. tliers, ono and all. Dr. Usher makes tho astou nding statement in this work,thatahuman fossil had boon found in New Orleans, In tho courso of somo excavations In that city, to which a pro- Adamite ago Is attributed. According to this authority, the skeleton of a man, of tho confor mation of Indians, was discovered at a depth of alztoon foot, lying bolow a succession of four fos sil cypress forests, to each of which tho ago of 14,400 years is glvon. Agassiz Is said to havo accepted this, as a fret, and based upon Ithls as sertion, that man existed-upon tho earth at least 150,000 years ago. The theologian mast cither disprove this statement, or bo compelled to ad mlt a new exegesis of Holy Writ. Anecdote of Dr. Emmons. The doctor, it is.said, was no great lover of sweet sounds, and religiously excluded from his meeting-house all instrumental music, except a little piahogany-colorcd wooden pitch-pipe of the size of an “eighteen-mo” book. A member of his choir who mid learned to play the bass viol, anxious to exhibit his skill, early one Sun day. motuihg most unadvisedly introduced his Wg fiddlo into the singing-gallery. After the iirst prayer was ended, and the doctor began to handle his “"Watts,” the 6ase violcr Uflcd up his profanation, and trying its strings, instantly attracted the doctor’s attention. He paused, laid down his hymn-book, took his senrion from tlio cushion, and proceeded with his discourse, as if sinking was no part of public worship, and Anally dismissed the congregation without note or,comment. '.The whole choir was indignant. | They stayed after meeting, and all the girls and 1 young men resolved not to go into tho “singing seats” at all in theafternoon, and the elders who did go there, boro tho visages of men whose minds were made up. Services began as usual irr the afternoon. The doctor took his book in his hand, looked over his spectacles at tho gal lery, and saw only a few there ; but nothing daunted, read a psalm and sat down. No sound followed, no one stirred; and the ‘leader’looked up in utter unconsciousness. After a long and most uneasy silence, the good man, his face somewhat over-flushed, his manner rather stern, read the psalm again, paused, then re-read the first verse, and pushing up his spectacles, look ed interrogatively at the gallery. The leader could bear it no longer, and half vising, said decidedly, “ There won’t be an}’ singing here this afternoon.” “ Then there won't be. any preaching !” said tho doctor, quick as thought; and taking his cocked hat from its peg. he marched down the pulpit stairs, through the I broad aisle, and out of the house, leaving his j congregation utterly astounded. Wc need not 1 inform our readers (hat the big fiddle used in ' the “singing scats” afterwards A Yankee on a Bust. “Mossy saiks alive, Eb’s back hum agin ! says cousin Sally, running into the kitchen to Mann Green, who, up to her elbows in the dough ' ‘drop all” and came out to sec her hope full son stalk into tho porch os big as all oat doors." “Wher’ on nirth, Eb, hcv yon been?” says tho old lady. “Where hcv I been ? Why, daown’t Host ing.” “Massy saiks, Eb, what on nirth did yeou dew—had ycou a good time, Ebenczer i" “Good time? Oh-o-o-ugh, persimmons!— hadn’t I a time ! Cute time, by golly : a-a-nnd, i nmrm, I made tho money lly—did. by golly.” I “Why haow you talk, *Eb!” says Mnrm j Green. “I hope, son Ebcnezer, yeou didn’t; break any of the commandments, or nothin ?” | “Break the commandments ? Wa-a-all, noo, 1 didn't break nufb-tn.” Evcrlostin’ salvation.' mann, ycou don’t a’posca feller’s agoin’ dcown ten Boating and not cut a shine nor nolh-in." Ycou see, mnrm, I went inteu a shiaw’p to gel a drink of that almighty good stuff, spruce beer, and two gals, sleek critters, axed mb Ufa treat!” . I— yeoxt didn't do it, though “Wa-a-all, I did though, neow! I was aout ion a time, marra, and I didn’t care a dam whether school kept or not, as tho boy told his boss.” ‘ ‘Ebcnczcr don V you mccav! ” “llaint a gone to, Alarm; hut ycou sec, them gals axed mo to treat, and I did, ami don’t keer a dam who knows it! • Yeou sec I paid for ther two glasses of spruce beer and mine, that was a fo’pcnce, sla'p dab ; then 1 bought two cents worth of recsins, for ’em, and, by Bcunkcr, I’d rather spent that hull nino pcncc, than gone off sneakin' /” Rare. — Years ago a blunt Vermont fanner not altogether versed in Hie polite literature of fashionable cookery, having by hard knocks ac quired considerable property, took it into his head to visit Boston, and started accordingly «ith bis best ono-hyrse rig. Stopping near noon, at one of tho “smart” villages on the route, ho put up for a time and ordered dinner. When asked what ho preferred, ho mentioned beef steak, whereupon tho landlord inquired wheth er ho would have it rare or well done. Tills was a stumper far our friend, but thinking there might bo something “glorious” in tho “uncertainty,” ho assumed the air of ono “who know tho bricks,” and ordered it rare. Ail things In readiness, I our hero took a seal at the table and commenced a vigorous onslaught on the smoking viands pla ced before him. At the first cut of tho steak, blood very generously followed tho knife, at which ho started in astonishment and rang tho boll furiously. Directly a waiter answered tho summons and inqulrgd what bo wished. “I want this beef cooked,” said the guest. “But you ordered it rare,” replied the’waiter. “I know It,” said the guest, assuming to un derstand tho matter fully, “but ilia not quite rigid j you may take it out and rare it over again I” A Shout story by Diocrss. —Dickens tells the following story of an American sen cap tain “On his last voyage homo the captain had on board a young lady of remarkable per sonal attraction—a phrase I use as one being entirely new, and one you never meet with in the newspapers. This young lady was beloved intensely by tlvo young gentlemen, passengers, and in turn she was in love with them oil very ardently, but without any particular preference for cithorv. Not knowing how to make up her determination in this dilemma, she consulted my friend the captain. The captain, being a man of an original turn of mind, says to the young lady, “Jump overboard and marry the man who Jumps after you." Tho young lady, struck with the idea, and being naturally fond of bathing, especially in warm weather, as it then was, took tho auvico of the captain, who had a boat ready manned in ease of accident. — Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers be ing on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sen head for most. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When tho young lady and her Hour lovers were got out again, says to the cap tain, “What mn I to do with them now, they are so wet ?" Says tho captain, “Take the dry onol" And the young lady did, and married him. A Mas Devour Adah.— -A conglomerate work, to uso a geological phrase, has lately boon pub lished, entitled, “Types of Manklnod," mndo up of contributions from tho loto Dr. Morion, Agassiz, Usher, Nott and Gliddon. This work Is destined to create something of ft commotion in tho religious world. The Idea of tho unity of tho roco of man Is totally discarded by the ou- AT 82,00 PER ANNUM. An Animated Warming-Pan. In Ireland a warming-pan is called a friar. Not many years ago, an unsophisticated girl took service in a hotel in the town of . Poor thing, she had never heard of a warming-pan in her life, though she regularly confessed to a friar once a year. It so happened on a cold and drizzly night that a priest took lodgings at the inn. He had travelled far, and being wcarv, retired at an early hour. Soon alter, the'mistress of tho house called the servant girl. “Betty, put the friar in No. G.” Up went Betty to tho poor priest. “Your reverence must go into No. G, my mis tpcss says.” “How, what?” asked he, alarmed at being •USturbcd. b “Yoar reverence must go into No. 6.” There wasmo help for it, and the priest arose donned dressing-gown and went into No. 6. In about fifteen minutes the mistress called to Betty. “Put the friar into No. 4.” Butty sftid something about disturbing Ilia reverence, which her mistress did not under stand. So she told the girl, in a sharp voice, to do as she was directed, and she would always do right. Up went Betty, and the unhappy priest, despite his angry portcstations, was ob liged to turn out of No. d and go into No. 4. But a little time elapsed ere the girl was told to put the friar into No. 8, and the poor priest, thinking that everybody was mad in the house, and sturdily resolved to quit it the next morn ing, crept into the damp sheets of No. 8. But he was to enjoy no peace there. Betty was again directed to put the friar into N. 3, aud with tears in her eyes she obeyed. In about an hour the landlady concluded to go to bed herself, and the friar was ordered into her room. ’Wondering what it all meant, Betty roused up the priest, and told him he must go into No. 11. I'hc monk crossed himself, count ed his beads, and went into No. 11. It so happened that the husband of the land lady was trouble*! with tho green -eyed monster. Going up to bed. therefore, before his wife, his suspicions were continued by seeing between his own sheets a man sound asleep. To rouse the sleeper and kick him into the street was the work of a moment : nor was the mistake ex plained till next day, when the priest informed the innkeeper what outrages had been commit ted upon bun, and be learned, to his amaze ment, that he had been serving the w bole night as a warming-pan. A Candidate fou Office !—a flat-footed candidate for Justice of the Peace in Palestine, Texas, ponies out in the journals with the fol lowing address to the sovereigns : “ "With the issuance of this sheet, is unfurled to the breeze, either in tempest or in calm, my j name before you as a candidate for the ofiloc of | Chief Justice of Anderson county, at the ensu -1 lug August chc'.ion. I do it from choice, not from solicitation. Ido it. for the office is hon orable and prolltablo. I feel myself competent to discharge the duties of'the office. I claim no superior merit or qualification over any one else who may ohpso to run against me. I would like to run the race solitary and alone ; but, if any. them pitch ini it isn’t dQCp..*T’rftandjmtrfootcd, square-toed, hump shouldered,upon the platform of free rights and true republicanism, if you elect mo your Chief Justice, I will tnako the welkin ring with loud 1 1 huzzas for the sovereigns of Anderson county! If defeated, I will retire with dignity and perfect good-humor, remembering a most beautiful lit tle song, which I sing remarkably well, called I’m afloat, I’m afloat!” They have nome queer Jurymen in lowa. A few days since an old tojrt*rdled very sudden ly; the coroner, In consequence, held on inquest listened to the testimony ofo physician, and was about rendering n verdict,‘“water on the brain,” when Mr. Slocum Hopplepodle rlz to object. “Mr. Coroner, I have known the deceased for ten mortal years, and I know he has never seen a sober moment in all that time. To say that such a man cun die of ‘water on tho brain* is therefore d d nonsense. It can't be did I Consc u by—bo never tank any into his system. Tim trno verdict. Mr. Coroner, should begin, nun or brandy on the brain ; but, ns I am wil ling to split tho difference, I compromise, and bring in a verdict as follows : “Died from the effectspf brandy and water on the brain.” The compromise was agreed to, and tho verdict is a part and parcel of the recorded doings of lowa. Ety* Tho best repartee wo have lately seen, came from Prentice, tho wag of tho Louisville Journal. Tho editor of (ho Alabama Flog call ed it out by the following squib : “Why Is the editor of tho Louisville Journal’s career through life liko a celebrated tune. Because it Is the rogues march.” Prentice, who is a dead shot, loaded his piece, ami lot the Flag man have it right in his teeth, after tho following manner : “Why will tho editor of tho Flag, at tho close of his career through life, bo like a tune of Pagan ini’s 7 Because ho will bo executed on a single string.” The Riout of Ministers.— The Rev. Dr. Ma son, of Now York, passing up Broadway, stop ped to road a theatrical placard, which attracted Ids attention. Cooper, the tragedian, coming along, said to him— “Good morning, sir, do ministers of the Gos pel read ouch things 7” , “Why not, sir 7” said the Doctor, “ministers of the Gospel have a right to know what the devil is about as well ns other folks.” TV Oman's Rights. —A good-looking husband, eight children, and a happy home. As these rights are easily obtained, wo hope tho sister hood will tnko them into consideration. This will pay better than holding offices, or “sitting on a jury.” I A Settlement.—“ Did you moan to soldo thin bill at nil when you made it f” snld the creditor, In a passionate manner, “Jlmpli 1 Icoup coo],my rriorul,** said (ho debt or,pulling n cigar with most admirable tang froid . “You want n nottlcmont I” “To bo sure I do, sir.” “Well, my dear sir, 1 assure you I meant to nettle, and when I meant to nettle that was clear ly n settle-men/! Hnl hnt 1m ! Goodmornlng, my IVlend, I’ll see you again in the fall I” A Clincher —During tho year 18t9, while the yellow fever was raging with such violence In this city, a gentleman travelling from Now York slopped at a country town, whoro tho In habitants wore mostly Dutch. During his slay, ho was asked if tho report was true that two or three hundred died every day In tho city. Ho gave a negative answer, and said there had boon only fifty orslxty cases In all. “Well,** said tho Dutchman, “howmany gen erally come fn a cat cf” adlnnor party in Washington a few days slnco, an eminent English writer and satir ist requested to bo introduced to a fashionable young lady remarkable for her beauty, and tho admiration of tho opposite sox. Permission was given, nnd after tho usual ceremonies of Intro duction bad taken place, tho satirist remarked that “he was happy In making the acquaintance of one of the “tost” of America. Tho young tody felt the oovort sneer, but replied, “And I, sir, am happy to make tho acquaintance of one of the snobs of London society.” A general I laugh showed that the repartee was well appro-1 dated.— Boston IVanscript, 1 dhbhff ’ nnh (Bnki D Zr' Pay your debts. [D * An evil lesson is soon learned. • (D* Debt is tho worst kind of poverty. ID* A quiet tongue shows a wise head; ID* Deliberate slowly—execute promptly; CD* Adversity is the true touchstone of merit (D* A little body often doth harbor a great soul. OD* The man who attempted to look into tho future had the door slammed in his face. BIT* Death comes alike to tho great and low* and none can avoid the visit. (D“ Industry and economy lead to wealth.— The proper disposal of wealth brings happiness. (D* Why is a homely girl like a blacksmith's apron ? Because she keeps ofl the sparks I . What a Goth !—A modem writer describes ladies’ lips as “ the glowing gateway of beans, pork, sourkrout and potatoes 1” ID* A down cast editor says that modesty is a quality tliat highly adorns a woman, and ruins a man. NO. 50. E7* Widower—A liberated prisoner, who, if “well to do,” the female portion of society consider “wants looking after.” -ID* Henry Ward Beecher says that “ dress, does not make the man, but when the is mode he looks better dressed up.” ID* “ The motion is out of order,” as tho chairman of a political meeting said when he satv • a ruffian raising bis arm to throw a rotten egg. ID*She that marries a man because he is li “ good match,” must not bo surprised if ho turns out a “ LtiCifcr.” ' . [Cy* The literaiy society ig now in full blast. . Question for discussion; If a mnn builds a corn crib docs that give him a right to crib com I C7* The naan who went for Southern meas-’' urea has not returned. It is suggested that hO may have fallen into one of them. IC7* The lady who drew a comparison hod to pullprotty hard, and seriously injured her mus cular system. O* - The cobbler who can toe tho mark,/oof a bill, or heel a boot, has no occasion to give leg bail. The man who hung himself with a cord of wood, has been cut down with the edge of a precipice. [C7“ There is a phrenologist up town, who can tell the contents of a bowl by examining its head. ... [T7" ‘ ‘ Sambo, why am a locomotive bulgino like n bed bug ?” •• I gib dat up, Mr. Dixon, Tore you ax it.” “Bekaseit runs on sleepers." [CT'Thc Salem Register calls tho prcvftiUng movement in raising the salaries of the preachers “ clerical sunbeams.” Golden ones, too. . C7 1 * Cowardice consists, not in having fear, but in yielding to it. In well ordered minds, fear is the sentinel that wakes up courage. (£7* A New York paper says that one of the most troublesome consequences of the break in the Croton dam is, the diminution of the daily supply of milk! * Fools.— -A country squire asked a juggler why he played the fool? ‘For the same reason you do; out of want. You do it for want of wit; I for want of money.” Educational. —Ex-Governor Slade, of Ver mont, arrived at Chicago, on Thursday last, accompanied by fourteen school marms for the \> cat. Tim Seasons—Not Thomson's.— '‘Como here, nouny, and tell me what the four season# arc! “ Pepper, mustard, salt and vinegirX them s what mamma .always seasons with Vf A couple' of Jjighw&ymcn nttcTnp tediio rob the editor of the Syracuse Republican'll, week. A tbit of robbing an editor.'- \ Candid.—A man who Advertises for a com* - potent person to undertake the sale of a new S it ' TiUbo found i ,roflubl “ „ C 7" A Mr. Eiyan is in court nt Petersburg. Vo., charged by Miss Williams with having blackguarded her, slolo her keys, villifled her reputation, and ruined her character and the front door of her residence!" Kossiak Idea of a» ANOKL.-Puneh Bays JJncholas has called his brothcr-m-lcw, tho Kiag of Prussia, ‘.'mi ougcl of peace." An angel— after tho Russian view—has, of course, tiro wings—one of infantry, and ono of artillery. K7~ A waggish friend- of ours is of opinion that tho initials A. M„ appended to tho names or some college graduates, are placed there to denote that they have mastered the two first letters of the alphabet ! Rather Personal.—A New York editor, finding a cabbage seed in a letter received from a brother quill, wants to know if his correspon dent has tho habit of scratching his head whilo writing I JET" God pity tho mg) or woman who has nothing to do! Idleness is the mother of more misery and crime than all other causes ever thought of. or dreamed of by tho profoundcat thinker or the wildest theorist. K - Somebody odvcrtisca for agents to sell a work entitled the “ liyracnial Instructor." Tho best by menial instructor wo know of is a young widow. hat she don’t know there is no use m learning. ID* An Irishman who was once on a jour ney, said ho never liked to see tables full ofnews papers where ho stopped over night, ‘for,’ said he, T can never find any whiskey at such a place.' A shrewd inference. CD" "What nn insufferable puppy tbatyoung officer is," said Brown, who had been rather out shone in tho ball room by tho object of hla cutting remark. “Yes," said his friend, •• ho I is a. west Pointer." I A beautiful thought Is this which wo [ quote from a letter to tho editors of tha Cayuga CUtef: " A foot of snow fell yesterday, and-to day the sun looked nt it, and—the white vision u murmuring in the brooks! u i f?\ Tho " b , arbcr :PO |c P“nta" will most pro bably bo supplanted, this spring, by tho “pio lormls. Ono of the most common patterns reu rrsont a waving ostrich feather running up tho front of cacti leg. ° r , 'C'T When a girl has arrived at tho ago whoa she likes to have her hand squeezed by tho hot. headed corduroy, make up your mind that hep heart has begun to run on matrimony, honov moon and cradles. J . Ciiancb for Mock Turtle Soup.—An editor mN. Hampshire offered to put hi*head against sixpence upon some poUticaKjuestion. A bro ther editor accepts the bet, says ho thinks it an even ono, nnd oaks who shall hold tho stakes. Good Advice.—When neertain English pain- J.' v , in to a rage and into print because ono of ms pictures had been roughly handled by tho critics, ho was advised by Edmund Durko to vindicate himself by his. brush rather than by his pen. K 7“ Tho Albany Express teha a very good story about a barber-polo pantalooncd youth who recently went on a visit to his thor in tho country, and astonished her very j much by wearing such “patched trowscra away fromhomo.” J Grace.—A Mayor of a certain corporation, presiding at a great dinner, wh& the doth was • removed, looked all down tho table fbr aolei* |ayman td say grace, but observing none there gravely got up and said, ..There ia not on, 1 clergyman present— thank Clod!"