THE JOKERNY BUDGET. JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Anpropriately So--Hot and Heavy-~ Saved ~~ Salvage -- She Felt Ete., Etc. i APPROPRIATELY SO, First undertaker -- How's busi. ness? Second undertaker—Dead slow. HOT AND HEAVY, Rusty Ike—I got it hot and heavy at that house. Tattered Ted—How was that? Rusty Ike—The woman gave me hot biscuit. SAVED. “‘A narrow escape,’”’ said Li Chang, “If this war had lasted much 1 I might have been Li Chang hung.’ SALVAGE 1i= lost Mrs. Watts—So it was in the Cl cago wheat market that you your all? Everett Wrest— Yes, save me honor — and thirst. mum; all loge an elegant SHE FELT IT. His love, he said, was like the sea The maiden answered quick She thought that he was right that, Because it made her sick. IN Thi} NORTHWEST, She (with a newspaper)—Bark the favorite fuel of the Northwest. He—Suppose we ors next door suggest to our that they that dog of theirs out there. 1 3 neighl Send OR RAT SELLS . hearts Kind y 1 are 1018, But somehow with tl In choosing for The mates corontt HIS B Father—So, my I you many happy returns of the day and as a reward for youl i and go wd econduet 1 fentist to draw that yours pain, ir d will bad ¢ OX Hoax—I wish little change in t Joax—W hat kit Hoax-—-Well rained five Hung Che Japan better thi well get over for onasi The villain teeth with the grat The proud little smi Never,’ are on the win must ie. rer Wi 1 orin ‘Are you the boss of this ranch asked the tramp “Yes, said Mr. ’ fully, “'I think the moment I can tri that I am the boss re. The hired girl is taking an afternoon off and my wife is out riding a bicycle.’ immins thought- the Y say present ne A MAX Int 1 i ps OF RESOURCES, f ‘Wou one of new lam thal—" “Don’t want grownup daughters.”’ **Ah, exactly! Let me a set of our extra strong niture. See? Iron clamped braced underneath. We call our ‘courting specials.” ”’ you iike (rive a light so strong ‘em. (rot seven show parior you fur- and em no oi Ll A SAD OCCASION, He—I called to see you last even- ing. She—Yes? He—Yes; were not in. She—Yes; missed you. He-1 thought you must be, 1 heard you laughing up stairs in such grief rtricken tones that I almost wept myself out of sympathy. I was so sorry to CAUSE FOR JOY. Oneman-—You look something? Tother—I am happy. new girl at our house. Oneman-—Ah. let me congratulate you. I suppose you'd be happier if it were a boy? Tother—Not much. happy over We have a It's the only place and kept it and knew her bust iness and attended to is. And we have to pay her only two and a half a wook, Onuman——Oh-gh-er--let me con. gratulate you more than ever. UNPRODUCTIVE INDUSTRY. “1 don’t know what's going to be- come of us,’”’ said the woman who talks about her family troubles “* John doesn’t seem to get along the way he used to.”” “Why, he never seems to be idle.” “Idle! I should say not. He's t a political boom on his hand, and e's full of the Napoleon fad, and is learning Trilby by heart, and be- longs to a debating society. If he gets any busier than he is I'm afraid we'll come vretty near stary- ing." . AND BAVED TRAVELING EXPENSES. ‘“ By gosh, I believe in home institntions,’’ patterniz. | in’ cery discussion. ‘‘1 know one different,’ replied Si Hawkins. “I'd jist like to know when it was “W'y, the time you went to New gr { you could.of got right here at home { fer less’'n than a nickel.”’ HEEDLESS OF FARES. Streeter—There goes a man { the race of life, Meeter—Who is he? Streeter—He's a street | ductor. car con. AN OCEAN CABLE. | Its Manufacture Involves Gre Mechanical Ingenuity. The making of an ocean cable isa | task involving a great amount of | skill and mechanical ingenuity, and {it is something to the credit of the first cable makers that their pattern { has not greatly changed in thirty years. When the Commercial Cable | company—which, as the most purely | American of omp y for illus- Atlan. work was ; all the ¢ makes an excellent subject tration—decided to lay a new tic cable last year the intrusted to the Siemens Brothers, of Woolwich, London. As this has constructed no less han king Great Britain i is wl as firm o© firm R ucbud ¢ elgng of Now , the eleven " : its metho passed into the ers, whose care it gutta perch copper and substantial protective fore they are submitted to action of the weight and size Alre some copper and 340 poun percha the rougl Ar now t cable beot ROL 16 Mine applicabe. i ” ¢ - has in it : Over this is yarn wei Is to the mile, : hing "nr or 18d i po is made the center of a twisted sheath of wires of averaging more than 4,000 pounds t« the mile. And finally a compound of tar is laid over the whole, which brings its own we ght of S06 pounds After the tar is applied the cable is coiled and left to soak ir tanks of water until time av the cable ship shall be ready to lay it in its last resting place. Such # cable as this is made at the rate of fifty to fifty-five miles twenty- four hours steel the stoutest kind to the mile + such rye per Magic Liquid. Much amusement may be afforded aft a party by pouring out of the same bottle a liquid which assumes three different colors. This is how it is | done: Steep logwood shavings (they | may be bought at any drug store) in water, and when a good red color has been obtained pour the liquid into a i wine bottle, Take three tumblers and without being observed rinse | one of them out with strong vinegar; | put a little powdered alum into the | second and leave the third without {any preparation. Pour from the i bottle some liquid into the first i tumbler; thie will assume a straw color; pour into the second. and the liquid will pass gradually from a | bluish gray or black on being stirred | with a steel key or any piece of iron which has been previously dipped in | strong vinegar; pour into the third let tint. Prettiest Girl on the Label, sv | announced that it will put the pict. ure of the prettiest girl in the coun. ty on the labels of every can of to. matoes they put up this year. A committes of three unmarried men have been appointed as judges and photos have been coming in ut a great rate, Italy's wine producing capacity exceeds that of all other nations, —————————— ——— FOR THE YOUNG FOLK4, BAnY’ Dainty, dimpled, little things, Bolt as angels’ plumy wings Naught to do but Awkwardly you move about Up and down and in and out, Tell me do you know Why such anties you go through? What you're trying now to do? Where you want to go? HANDS, Tow, Dainty, dimpled, little things, Clutehing, as your eradle swings At thin nothingness: Who can tell what vou will hold When your grasp is firm and bold? May be honor——mny be gold May be nothingness! Dainty, dimpled little things, Whatsoe'er the future bri: There'll be work for you Though you still and white You eannot your duties slight While there's work to do There'll be burdens to be lifted, From the bad good must be sifted From the false the true And though vou're so soft and small Of this work a part will fall, Little hands, on you. 1514.1 - 3 be soft Ol an CONSCIENTIOUS DOG master was a painter at like hi { it 1 aAgn piease Ml SAN turkey = HrKisa repeate n how everybody laughed T can’t seem 1 and I'm afraid iid enough nt oO ns grows THE LOST PURSE. and May lived y home in the ec 3 All lay long they would Keep house with their dolls and when night camo they would tuck them under the red curtain which hung over of the large windows when it was too the sun they went and sat on conl, shady porch, and begged grandpa, who had just wakened from an afternoon nap, to tell them a story So grandpa said that if they would be quiet he would tell them a short, true story about himself. Sadie and May promised to be very still So grandpa began when [| was a very little boy I had to take a long, lonely walk through the snow for some tea for my mother. The store was four miles away. As I had told my mother I would go. 1 ran and got iy things and called my dog Bruno for I never went anywhere without him. 1 got to the store safely and bought my tea, and as I had $2 and some change I put it in a small purse which I had in my pocket. I ean remember how hard it was walking and how bitterly cold it was, 1! hurried as fast as I could, because | I was afraid 1 would be late for supper. It was quite dark when I ran upon the porch and into the | warm kitchen, How good the muffins smelt that had just come | out of the oven! I can remember them yet *’ “And did Bruno get home, too?" | asked May. “Oh, said grandpa, ‘‘thatis just what | am going to tell you. Iknew he was not far behind, so I did not wait for him, but went in and gave the tea to mother, then put my hand ln my pocket to give her the Sadie 3 + ¥ pleasant a rte mniry. in long me {ne warm day 1 - ts pay © it hot to in the nce change it Wiis i Oh, grandpa | and May. | “Yes,” said grandpa I thought-—nnd and Wis No Use To ny surprise I found gone,’ gh claimed Sadie it it wis wns gone mo it wis 100 mother suid for it | much troubled to care for dark stormy mj to look ny supper | 80 I sat down by the fire fed gnd Soon 1 hesrd the door, and when | cannot think to have Bruno bound in and drop something at my feet Now Ww do you think it was? “The money,” “Yes ing very a scratehing at opened it you how astonished I was hat children ‘The said the lost How hug said grandpa purse was and sound. happy I was and how [ did Bruno! Just think! He had behind me and had picked t Lit siife he purse up and brough home, “What dear May. *] the because it was true.’ dog! very fi good 111 1HKe story ma A Cat Story. be interested qaring of the crafty trick of a Prin is a magnificent but withal Your readers may ng distin Possibly ooks ts the policemen, w! mutter 1 abo before nething y rt fel ft S01 of thing = hem off to the in Ar: sleased f shair i sheild police Stati they were 800! of nen ving there evidence © Of produc tion ty i antit ontempiate an but imprisonment y to devise fresh r have ure thep nwh ch they were 80 unceremon ‘ted. to sec an entry to laco fously €1e Two Pounds of Honey a Year. A French naturalist with a mathe. matical turn of mind has been cal- culating the work by a hive of bees, When the weather favorable a “worker.'’ according to his estimate, makes usually six toten trips, visit. is lecting about one Even when under good conditions he flowers the amount collected would not exceed five or six grains, and the collection of a pound would occupy several years. A hive contains 20,000) to 50,000 bees, of which only half are occupied in preparing honey, the rest caring for the young and their quarters. In a good day 16,000 to 20,000 bees can, in six to ten trips, vigit 800,000 to 1,000,000 flowers, For this it would be necessary that the locality should be favorable for honey making, and that the nectar secreting plants should grow near the hive. A hive of 30,000 bees can then, under good conditions. make about two pounds of honey a year. grain of nectar extraordinarily visits 200 to 40) Annoying. Between Salford and Manchester is a glue factory. A lady, who was obliged to take the ride between those two points quite often, always carried with her a bottle of lavender salts. One morning an old farmer took the seat directly opposite her. As the train neared the factory the lady opened her bottle of salts. Soon the whole carriage was filled with the horrible odor of the glue. The old farmer stood it as long as he could, then leaned forward and shouted: “Madam, would ye mind puttin’ the cork in that "ere bottle?’ | NOTES AND COMMENTS. TEXAS proposes Lo levy or all unmarried men of Or who thut they matrimonial in Bo ve do not have wt Ti New gypsies day, left an 000, indicating t late king of the Enginnd the other 18 buried ! ut 2100 who w estate wis cot siderable method tions. A (COMPAN ganized in and operate location peregrina Naw house Rees neighbors are with the ten tugbout and be guests can be expel en ther from ant Pruoxo oR In the i one it OOK But in was {or New Yi 8 f a good e ts Of lord WW ‘hinese and 1s . ts ne crit gives to t Wolseley never x ACCORDING sf the war de men served the civil war Of these killed in battle, 43,012 wounds and 224.586 from This left 1.794.202 to be out. A curious feature of vised records that pertaining to Delaware. In 1860 this small had a population of a little over 18 ~ 000 white males between the mili- tary ages of 18 and 45, and yet it fur- nished neariy 14000 troops, about 75 per cent. of its available population. THE recent appointment of Rev. John FP. Chadwick, of the Ro- man Catholic church of St. Stephen's in New York, to one of the vacant chaplaincies in the navy makes the third appointment in the service of ministers of that denomination. of these appointments have made by President Cleveland, The tirst Catholic chaplain to be appoint. an { fore possessed. revised records partment 2128 94% in the Union army during to the 67.058 were died fr disease mustered these re- yn is or the H. Parks, of New York city, who re- ceived a position at the hands of Mr Cleveland in October, 1889, followed by Chaplain W. H. 1. Rea- The majority of the twenty-three chaplains allowed the navy are Bap- tists: next to the Catholics the Episcopalians are the smallest in number. Compared with parish work on shore an chaplain’s position is rather an easy one, but, nevertheless, there is much to do in looking after the spiritual wants of ‘poor Jack’ and to the credit of the corps of naval chaplains it must be said that they have never shirked duty in time of pestilence or danger. I¥ the crow, a bird which scents designs on its life from alar off, is wise it will absent itself from Meo- Henry county, Ill, in future, the supervisors having offered a bounty of 10 cents for the head of every r— i ————————————————— ted to the county treas- these POW lew preset Some ame ] § Has time ago iit uw bounty of 20 cents o jek freastirer obliged to pay out $30 the (Fr # and the lehuck scalps, which, in fy ¢ wv { inany $1 fe eutly | of the taxpayers, is dam - ani- 14 3 excess Of Lis ione by these burrowin When the or price on the forward its were made pro ut the Of humor. It was that thief, but he and was the the 1 mire and j ¢ other more would y ever sone least « 0 fis corn in acks of 1 eh a icking hand, CTOwWS on vi ti thie be, on E Crow ther for Crows Liere for five will ga § hat properly The idea very NseIves sewing { jothes woking dudes in gave a (xym- white above on wi isl i a was baske lian girls made in f ball uniforms of ue flannel livided skirt fashion, fasten isplaying extremely soft and n team wore under their loose tl other dark sie Turkish ed at the knee, d small feet iow shoes 3 . DICK bright stockings (Ine red sashes and blue to match the suits,” blouse waists Population of the United Kingdom, in United 1894 the Kingdom of the to the was 38. 776, 154—~England and Wales having 30,0680.768, Scotland 4,124,691 and Ireland 4,600,700. The birth rate for the year in England and Wales was the smallest on record, 20.6 per 1,000, which is 2 per 1,000 less than the mean for the last ten years. The death rate, 16.6 per 1,000, was also population accor > 4 lowest rate, that for 18838 and 2.6 lower than the ten year average. Structure of Gold Nugnets. The structure of gold nuggets was the subject of a paper recently read society. Nuggets upon being cut through and polished, and then etched by chlorine water, were found to exhibit well marked crystalline structure closely resembling that shown by most metallic meteorites, except that in the nuggets the crys. tals are more or less square in sec tion and show faces which belong to the octahedron and cube. AL SAAN A Countess as a Trained Nurse. At the head of the two hundred and fifty women nurses in the hos. pitals of Japan is the Countess Nere, wife of Admirs: Nere, Thesmpress and the ladies of the court occupy rast of thel, time in working for the wounded.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers