.plKE, Editor and ruUUhrr hbUME 4. EXTISTKY. The undersigned, a :3t Jj.HU- 'oJen bi--raio'At es to the 'Ji vicinity, which place he will visit 7rcuRiu Ho.vpAt of each month, to re- ,3, 5AM L 151' w. l. a. J iltoonsi. IM., -UXDCDP itite and Mechanical DENTIST. removed to T irginia street, opposite .::teran ciiurcn. rersons irom uamnria . ol.pn hprn who ret work done hv me ' 1 Ut n-" -cj-- - ' J - jiouiiiof Ten Dollars and upwards, will ;lcruilroau lareueuuceu irom tneir mils, tots wARBAMrn. Jan. 16C9.-tf. a D. W. ZIEGLEK, Surgeon Den ri-t, will visit Ehenburg pro- ff3v. ou the Si.CON i ilo.v tw-i ilurirc which time he jf.irarf at the Mountain llou?e. ?f Tee'.li extracted without pain by the use n:e Uxiue, or Leaguing Vjiib. EDICAL CARD. Dr. E. J. Dm. BaLh.isi'oiiini'-iKf-il t lie pnif tioe of med jTi'hwi Spririffs. Cambria eounty. I'a. .f.Ti-r:!iHh!(rfof K. A H. Nutter. .All pro ii. i-ill rt-.-i oiirlid to promptly at any j aiij l iv or injfht. je.23.-oia. J H. l'LANK, M. I)., 'tenders liis rrifc-ional sirviT-3 to the citizens of ;.ar":uiJ lciiitv. Oliiv on Iliirh street. .;: xh? new t'oiiftreefttli'lial rhurcb, llat : Nit'ln riilh oan h m:iJe at the late resi- ol i'r. It. Uuun, V-t Wind, myl!. JAMISON, r. I)., Loreito. Cuiiibriu Co.. I'a.. r? bis profe.-iional servicea to such of the aotfiie above place anu viciniiv as may e medical aid. Ap.ril 2i.-ly. UlES J. OATMAN, M. J)., tenders his professional services as Phy- :a-d .Surgeon to the citizens of Carroll- L and vicinity. Office in rear cf build- cf:upicJ Ly J. iV.Tctc & Co. 8 a store. Icsl'sun be matle at Lis residence, one oaAof A. Ilaug's tin and hardware fMay 9, 18G7. J. LLOYD, successor to U. S. 1 Box, Dealer in l)rvys, Medicines, .:i,f.: Mere on Main street, opposite Ebwnsburs. I'a. r 17, 1SG7.-Cra.a I). M LAUGHLIN, . jRNEY AT LAW, JoJuislourn, Pa. -re in tiie Exchange buildim'. nn th ;f Clit.ton and Locust streets up MMI ........ r : iwuauenu to all ousness connect ::L;s jirofrisiun. 18CT.-tf. JOHN P. LINTON, "'"-'FA' AT LAW. Johnslr.wn Pn ;:n luiMing on corner of Main and "i E.reei, oppite ilansion IIouFe, - S'.T. Entrance '-ton. Jan. 31. 18C7.-tf. L. l'ERSIIING, Attorxey-at- r.rt h i-q n b- beet .upstairs," over John Benton's -"ureatore. Jan. 31 1Rr.7 t.nv' Attokxey at Law. i P i lauiiiu Mi-en, duunA- h-tv i Ploinp"j to an manner of Jatciay be entrusted to him. f:?e". - . . . q., tolonade Row. I oct.22.-tf. Jnnvo . J B- ECANLAN- ' r7 "T r c CAN LAN, rneya at Law, Ebcnburg, Cambria oo., Pa. . oppoMte the Court House. !8LG7.-tf. 'Inr t , ' OE0- OA THAN. .0E MAKER &OATM AN, Attor a me TnT ,en?turg, Pa. Offices on E. RfMvt : ' CWi.T AUornry-at Law, 1 'i 'bS!lLTVr,a T?-Pa- An Tnnn- - "mioni L. -1 T anu careful atten- iateciiUlty. May 1'. f U vi , 1L1'-K Attorset-at- S ih7 Geo- M - Keade. Esq , in vuw Centre 8trpp r h-r -t! '?' 1 a- Oflice in new building abUePtn Cenlre Btree. doors lang.27. T0SElII BPDONALD, iy. ? entre street, opposite Linton's ( Jan. 81, 18C7-tf. J'Sia ft j TAW' Ebensburg, Ta. E KI1TELL, K18C7" tf tre 6treet 5 street, adjoining Ins resi- . Jan 31 ioct ir lrr OVl.-M. iT-Uw SrE7f SLY Attorney- .SrbLY Attorney- uk" Claim Wlxcl fthe Pca I CSTOffic; remold to ffi5pSL3hgMfcwg. ji3. PKTEK CAMPBELL s irrn Vet BEE HIVE. .Tbe nndeMisned has secured letters patent of the United 5tate dated December 14, 181.9 for nn improvement in the construction of Beo Hives, and claims for his invention advantages possessed by no other heretofore patented. The principal feature of this Ree Hive is the arrangement by means of which it is thorough ly ventilated, thus precluding the poseibililyoi the bees smothering-, ihe eomb moulding or the honey Pouring. This desirable end is accom plished by a vertical peiforated tube, running centrally through the hire and open at the top and bottom. All persons interested in apicul ture will nt once see the great advantages se cured in this improvement. The ventilator is fur the increase of bees. The peculiar construction of the box, partic ularly in the arrangement of the inner com partments, whereby it can be cleaned nt any time without disturbing the bees, is another valuable improvement which will be obvious to any person who examines this Hive. An examination of the workings of the bees or the condition of the interior can be made at any time, ns the sides n re cased with glass. Dees can be tri.sferred from a different hive to the improved one without any difliculty whatever. It would require too much spare to enumerate nrre an uie advantages claimed in this inven tion, but full ii.format;on wid be promptly fur nished by applying in person or by letter to the patentee. I am now yrepared to dispose of territory f ir the sale of the Improved Bee Hive iu any portion of the United States. PETER CAMl'DELL. Cunolitown, Cumbria Co., Fa. AUTOMATIC RAILWAY GATE 1 he patentee of the above has also invented i and patented nn AUTOMATIC RAILWAY ' CJA'lE. to which he invites the attention of railroad men. Full information will be fur ni.-hed on application, and Company Rights will be disposed of by the inventor. Address as above. jan.l l.7l).-tf . PJTOOD, MOIIRKLL & CO,. WASHINGTON STREET, Near Pa. R. R. Depot, Johnstown, Pa,, Wholesale and Retail Dealers in MEM AID DOMESTIC MY BUS. 311LLI.ERY goods IIAEDWAIIE. QUEENS WARE. BOOTS AX l SHOES. HATS AND CAPS. IRON AND NAILS CARPETS AND OIL CLOTHS, READY-MADE CLOTHING. GLASS WARE. YELLOW WARE. WOODEN AND WILLOW WARE, PROVISIONS and FEED, ALL KINDS, Together with all manner of Western Produce, such as FLOUR. BACON, FISH, SALT, CARBON OIL. kc, ic. tSf Wholesale and retail orders solicited and promptly filled on the shortest notice aud most reasonable terms WOOD, MORRELL L CO. Johntown, April 8, lbG'J. ly. GEO. C. K. ZA1IM. . ...... . JAS. B. ZAHM. ! ZAHM & SON, DEALERS IX DRY GOODS,. GROCERIES, HARDWARE. QUEENSWARE, Hats,Caps,Eoots,Shoes, AND ALL OTHER ARTICLES Usually Kept in a Country Store. WOOL AND COUNTRY PRODUCE TAKEN IN EXC1IAKGE FOR GOODS ! STORE ON MAIN STREET, . Next Door to the Post Office, Jane 10, 15C9. EBENSBURG, TA. DREW MOSES. MERCHANT TAILOR, StPPEs's Bciidino, Clinton St., JoiissTovry, HAS just received his fall and winter stock of fine French, London and American CLOTHS, CASSIMERES and VESTINGS, and a full assortment of Gent's Furnishing Goons. Mr. Moses has been for eight years cutter at Wood, Worrell & Co. 's establishment, and now desires to inform his friends and the public gen erally that he has commenced business in Sup oes's building, on Clinton stieet, with a stock nf goods adapted to the fall and winter, which lie is prepared to make up iu the latest styles and at moderate prices for cash, hoping by at tention to business to merit a share of public pitronage, and maintain that success which has heretofore attended his efforts in producing good fitting garments. Give him a call. Johnstown, Sept. 2. lSfi8.-tf. TO? EVERE TIIE MEMORY OF FMEXDS DEPARTED ! MONUMENTS, TOMBSTONES, &c. The subscriber still continues to manufacture of the best material and in the most workmanlike manner, at the Loretto Marble Works, all kind of MONUMENTS AND TOMB STONES, as well as TABLE and BUREAU TOPS, and all other work in bis line. None but the best American and Italian Marble used, and perfect satisfaction guaranteed to all cases at prices as low as like work can be obtained in the cities or elsewhere. Call and see Bpecimens and judge for yourselves as to the'merits cheapness of my work. JAMES WILKINSON. Loretto, March 12, 1868.1. HE IS A FREEMAN WHOM EBENSBURG, PA., THURSDAY, AUGUST II, 1870. Ejje jotf s gfprfmtnt. THE ROSEMARY CROffX. Waiting in sorrow and mourning; Waiting through gloomiest night; Clad in the robe of the cypress; Craving for beauty and light. Centuries lifted the nations, Anil tllirlnf? Wfnnrv'o rT ...... T .7 i, .....j, a piuiiiti;ii: uuun; let still holy Ireland is waiting, And wearing the Rosemary Crown. Oh! the fulnerg of joy in the heping, The rich light which fancy had dreamed. Whence once for the lapse of a moment The sunlight of liberty streamed How we planted the fl .g on our towers, And waved it o'er mountain and town; But, alas! the cypress was still blooming Alas! for the Rosemary Crown. And lonely, and lonely, and lonely, A watcher still sat by the sea, With face as the white marble pallid; And eye? Raeing mournfully j And hands lified up in appealing. That God would his rn-rey send down, And the leaves of the laurel" be sinning Where rested the Rosemary Crown. Wo pave her the song of the poet. We gave her the work of the brain, Cast the glory of Heaven around her; Yet still nil our woik was in vain. "She is dead," said the scoff of the stranger A laugh for the cynic clown; Ah! little he knew the wild passion Long hid iu the Rosemary Crown. Now, the love and hope of. a world. Dear Mother, thy children have brought The hard-hnnded strength of the soldier. The blade of the mind full of thought; The earnestness martyrs have tanghtus,' The strength of their gl rious renown To the graves of the dead shall be borne The leaves of the Rosemary Crown. Weep not! 'tis the hour of the dawning; Weep not! wa are ready to save; Nor reck of a newer teart broken, Nor reck of another fresh grave. O'er the graves we have marched in the past time, O'er the graves of the dead still are bound, Till the leaves of the b iv shine as fairly As daikly the Rosemary Crown. Salts, gfeflfs, gntcbotts, t. A Til I C STORY UY J M. KII.'Kl'ATI'ICK. In the nut umn of 1847 I had occasion to visit the land effice ut Jackson, Mis souri. My route lay through the county of C. Two years before the date of my adventure, my neice, Mi-s II.. was mar ried to Mr. M , who had moved to C county, of which he was now the s'.ierilf. As I had not seen my ncice since her marriage, I concluded to iua'ie it conve nient to slay with her one night while on uiy way to Jackson. On the morning of the second day after leaving home, I reached the home of my friends in the town of S . My neice, Mrs. M , was delighted to see me ; and, after the ordinary salutations were over, Ehe requested me to stable and feed my horse, as Mr. M. was abicnt from home. I immediately complied, for the comfort of my horse is always my first care. Having made "Bob'' as comfortable as horse-flesh could reasonably be expected to be, I returned to the house, where a hastily prepared supper was already wait ing me. Those who have ridden all day over a rough country, without stopping for the "inner comforts," can understand how readily I de?patched the delicious light bread, cold, sweet milk, and rich yellow butter, together with good things "tuo tedious to mention," that my tidy little neice had set before me. In the course of the evening, which passed pleas antly and rapidly, I learned that Mr M. had left home the same morning that I had hft mine, and that he would be gone two days longer. This I regretted, as I very much wished to see him. 1 promised myself, however, that I would stop again on my return, when the Sheriff would be at home. Defore retir ing for the night, Mrs. M. confided to me that there was a large sum of money in my bed-chamber, mustly in gold, of which her husband, as a collector of the count', had charge, aud with which he was to start for Jefferson City in a few days ; and also that he had charged her not to Jet any one stay in the house during his absence. I laughingly replied that t lie notice came too late, as 1 had already taken up my quarters, but that I would stand guard over the money bags till morn ing. With that I took a candle and re tiied to my room. 1 took out my two pistols, laid them on the table by my bed-side, and undressed for bed. The possibility of danger, how ever, strangely impressed ray mind. The great risk of so large a sum of money ben ing guarded by only a helpless woman, impressed ray mind more and more the longer I thought about it. I became so restless that 1 arose from my bed, relight ed my candle, examined my pistols to see that tbey were dry, re-primed and re capped the tubes, and having placed them under my pillow in such a position that I could grasp thejn at a moment's 'warning, I again retired to my bed, almost disposed to laugh at my folly. Soon I fell asleep. How long I slept 1 don't know. I slept long enough for my mind to indulge in one of those 6trange, mysterious freaks that we call dreaming. Three men seem ed to enter by force. I heard the screams of my neice, heard the robbers demand the money, heard them advancing up the stairway, and saw the bright flashes of lights, as with candle in hand they enter ed my chamber. During this time I lay utterly helpless. I knew if I could shake off this terrible Epell that bound me I could THE TRUTH MAKES FREE, AND ALL save all: but my body refused obedience to ray will not a hand, not a finger could I move. The robber for there now seemed to be but one in my cham ber instead of approaching the chest containing the money, walked directly to ward my bed. I wonder that the agony I then suffered didn't turn my hair gray at once. The robber who approached me seemed to be a man of gigantic stature, and in the features more terrible than any thing the waking mind could imagine. lie seemed clad in a loose flowing robe parted at the neck; in his left hand he held what seemed to be a flaming torch, and in his right a strange looking weapon of huge size. As he almost reached my bedside, by a protracted and terrible ef fort I brcke the spell that bound me, and in a moment I was awake. Instead of ray grim, gigantic visitor, with his flam ing torch and huge blunderbuss, a little woman none other than my neice stood before ine with her long white gown, reaching almost" to the floor, the very counterpart of that worn by my imagina ry robber. In her left hand she held a candle, in her right the key of the monev chest. In short she was the ghost, she was the giant of my dream ; and my ex cited imagination had converted a very pretty woman into a frightful monster. In a moment I was myself again ; and a significant motion of my neice' s head and hand imposed silence I was not a little puzzled. What could it mean? I didn't remain long in uncertainty, for my neice disclosed in a whiper that three men had entered the house, and ordered her, at the peril of her life, to deliver them all the money in her possession. Danger frequently quickens our wits, and in this case I think it had the effect with me. I had it all in a moment snatching up an apron that chanced to be lying in tho chair by my bedside, I direc ted Mrs. M. to tie it around her bodv and in this pl.ice the money. Then cocking one of my pistols, I placed it in her light hand, and directed her to hold the apron in her left, and with the pistol firmly held in her right, and concealed in the folds of her r.pron, she was to descend, and to whichever of the robbers came forward to receive the triune)-, she was to give the contents of her pistol. I was to follow carefully down stairs, and conceal myself behind the door until she fired ; then was to spring out of my hiding place and with my remaining pistol, give a salute to one of the remaining two, leaving the disposition of the third one to be deter mined by circumstances. In far less tiwe than it takes to tell it, this plan was carried into execution. The few moments that elapsed after I reached the foot of the stairs, before I was signal led to the scene of action, seemed almost endless. Would the little woman have nerve enough to fire f That was the rub. .So intense was my evcitemcnt, that I feared the violent beating of my heart would betray my presence. A few sec onds, however, answered the question. A stunning report told me that Mrs. M. had done her part, and signalled me to do mine. As L leaped from my place of concealment I was just in time to see the forms of two men rushing out of the door. I discharged my pistol at the flying forma, but, so far as 1 ever heard, without effect. Mrs. M. had made a better shot, and had secured her gnme. The wounded man lay upon the floor, groaning hideous ly, apparently unconscious of the glittering coins that lay in strange profusion all around him. Poor scoundrel ! he had got more than he had bargained for. On examining I found that he had received a very severe, but I did not think mortal wound. Hut the strangest part of my story is yet to be told. When stripped of his disguise, our robber turned out to be none other than the veritable sheriff himself, arrested in the execution of a deep scheme of rascality by the hand of his own wife. The whole matter is now explained. M. had conceived a p'.an of robbing himself of a large amount f money belonging to tho State, and with this nice sum he would remove to parts unknowD, and enjoy his ill-gotten fortune. 13ut the best laid plan9 of mice and men "gang aft aglee." M. recovered, moved to Oregon, and for aught I know, is still living. Of one thing I feel certain, viz : that he will never again try to rob him self as long as his wife stands guard. SiNGLXAii Relics ok the War.- The Des Moines Register has the following : "The Eastern papers describe a singular relic of the war which some reconstructed Johnny exhibits at Richmond. It is two musket balls welded together into two flat disks, iuseperably united by meeting in full flight over a battle field. The press of the East claim that for this oddity there is no duplicate. Hut there is a greater curiosity in Iowa. Mr. W. A. J. Seals, of Monroe, has shown us two minnie balls which were picked up on the field after the second conflict at Bull Run. The balls met at right angles, and the point of one was buried half way in the body of the other. The ball that was struck is bent, and the striking bullet is flattened, but the plug end is plainly mark ed." The following conundrum wan cooked twenty minutes (o make it sufficiently hard : What is the difference between a donkey and the only empire in South America? The one brays well and the other brays ill (Brazil ) ARE SLAVES BESIDE' FRAYING INDER DIFFICULTIES. The Louisville Courier Journal thus pleasantly relates the story of a. prayer in the congregation of a Southern church during the first part of the war ; "it was in the summer of 18C2. It was in a little, old, rusty depot town. It was in the midst of the war. The popu lar fury had not quite spent its force, nor the passion nor the gloss of arms worn olf, like gilt braid, and lost their shiny charm. In those days the Confederate gray was full of stuff and color, and the stars and bars of gold lace on a man's coat were neither dimmed nor revealed by service : so that, if he saw fit, he might get himself up wondrous brave and spruce. In those days the girls of the South were not reduced to window cur tains for dresses, nor to the more ignomin ious ripping up of certain unmentionable nether garments for collars, culls and handkerchiefs. The bloom of hope was on the volor of the men ; the glow of the new glory was in the hearts of the women. The star of the South rose like a balloon to its full meridian ; and even there in Chattanooga in the dusty, out of the way storehouse, with its mass of combustibles and non-combatants, its hospitals, and magazines, and quartermasters, surgeons aud dead beats even there, in that rear and cul de sac, as one may say, of llragg's army, which was stretched like a party of reconnoitering horse marines along the Tennessee river from the Narrows down to Bridgeport even there, among the un developed martial spirit of commissary clerks and the undetected military genius of the provost guard even there might be found fair women and brave men over flowing with the wild enthusiasm of the time and overflowed by the rosy atmos phere of a day which was rosy only with the red reflection of blood. It was iu the golden prime of the August cf 18G2. It was at Chattanooga. It was under the guardianship of that beautiful brown peak from whose fair look-out not a note, save notes of love, have yet been seen. It was on the banks of that great stream whose silvery, many-multiplying hor&e-shoe had nevir a hostile pontoon bridge, fur we thought we had something to be thankful about. Now, in those days we were easy to please, and withal, somewhat genial, if not jocose, in our dealings with Provi dence. Be this as it may, it was a day of thanksgiving, and a great number of oflicers and soldiers had come up from the front to a little church-going and a little courting, and more especially, after this combination of piety and sentiment to hear the famous Dr. Palmer, of New Or leans. 'The church was crowded. Not a pew was vacant, not a scat unoccupied, and chairs had been placed up and down the aisles. Gold lace and cocked hats and cavalry boots and prettily mounted sabres were mixed up indiscriminately with ribbons and muslins and the profuse whimsies, jim cracks and fal-las that enter into the mysterious aud ambitious finery of woman's, of many woman's, summer dressing. It was, of a truth, a sight to see. Without, five hundred hoi sea hitch ed carelessly to trees, and dusty streets and quiet pasture lands flanked about by the picturesque Tennessee hills. Within, a troDical flower garden, quite peaceful in its loveliness and warlike in its splendor. Be sure the portidious thought of the hated Yankee perished before it entered there. Be sure there was not in the mind of all that multitude so much as the echo of the idea of an advance of the enemy. "Dr. Palmer was in the pulpit. The congregation had been looking and listen inn' with curious attention while lie read some announcements and gave out a hyinn. The hymn was sung stentoriously, and then began the 'long prayer,' everybody standing, and not the rustle of a frock nor the clank of a spur disturbed the serenity of the moment. 'Oh Lord,' the good man was saying, 'give us grace in the midst of war, to do God's service on earth of peace and good will to men ; make us, amid the tumult and rack of arms, as still and fixed in the service of God as the everlasting hi' bang! 'hills' whew ! It was the report of a cannon, and it came over the river, fetching a twelve pound schrapnel with it. This it deposited in the centre of a group of star tled darkies outside, who were watching the horses and carriages of the white folks. Two more followed before the preacher had time to complete his sentence. He did complete it, however, in a measured and solemn way ; but the spirit of the Lord could not wholly and on the instant sub due the impulse of poor weak human nature. The consternation was immedi ate and intense, and yet, strange to say, not noisy. There was a single cry of alarm. A number of oflicers, who had posts of duty to fill, quitted the place ; two or three ladies approached the door, but Dr. Palmer did not budge a musclo nor alter his tone. He proceeded with prayer as the shells came faster and the din grew louder. There was just never such a prayer prayed out of a pulpit. The man stood up there glowing in tho summer light and answering every hostile shot with a message of Christian love, and the noise, great as it was, did not drown a word. He prayed for everything, and for everybody. At one time it seemed that he was about to turn his attention to the gentlemen on the other side of Ihe water and pray for their poor souls, too. It was indeed a 'long prayer. As the leaden devils came whizzing over the roof and cracking through the treesthe ungod ly rascals had got the range of the church exactly as they buried themselves sul lenly in the ground under the windows or exploded frightfully among tho beams or against the stonework, the hearers might have thought tho preacher would never come to an end. To bo sure, jhis was well enough for Palmer. He had an un common good thing, albeit the pulpit was the most exposed position, and every one expected to see him drop any moment ; for praying as he was, he had only to die and go to heaven, straightway in a hand basket, or any other ready convenience, sure of a blessed immortality for his fame in this world and his spirit in the wot Id to come. The rest were, however, not so sure, and it will hardly surprise the reader to learn that they waited nervously. They may be said to have been very ner vous. But finally, after exhausting the catalogue, after stretching the long prayer to its longed, after praying for all sorts and conditions df men, beasts, birds and things, the preacher sounded the ready words: 'And the grace of our Lord, and the love of God, and tho fellowship of the Holy Ghost be with you all now and for ever. Amen ' Then quietly descending from the pulpit hu added : 'The conrca lion is dismissed ;' and the people moved out of church, and thence cut cf the range of danger, amid a raking fite that contin ued to pour across the river. It was an advance of the enemy's cavalry out-posts, with a battery of four pieces of light ar tillery The party had crept in under Bragg' s elbow, which was very long and alnn st akimbo, and it glided back unpun ished as it had come unexpected." Till: JOSH It 1 1. LIVES' PAI'KHS. T1IK .MUNKLY. The monkey iz a human being, a little undersized, kivvered with hair, hitched to a tail, and tilled with the devil. Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that I mean well enulf and don't mean tew deceive i nnybody, but the monkey iz not a human j being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind ot mahshus jtke of Jupiter's, a libel with a long tail lew it, a mislerious mix tur of Iudikrous mischief and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobby boss, or connecting gang-plank between man in his dignity and tiie beast in hit. darkners. I hav a hi opinion ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respekt them for what they know, but don't worship them for what they don't know, as the heathens do their wooden gods. I don't kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i tell you contidenshally, mi kristian friend, that yu and the monkey arc relashuns. I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it is az dim az a number six dip candle in the ray ov the noonday sun, are our relashuns for a certain amount. The only fence between the animal and bruit folks, iz instinct and reason, and if the nntralist kant prove that the monkey don't show a s'ngle glimmering ov reason, i say ho must step oph from the monkey's tail, and let him eat at the fupt table. The monkey is imitative tew the high est degree, r.nd imitashun is a direckt transgression ov the law ov iustinkt, and is fallow ground within tho domain of reason. Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell of a flower or pull a cat's tail. But argument ain't mi fightin weight, i git along the best by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four tiiousand things every year, that i kan't prove, enny more than I kan prove what melody iz. The naturalists may have their own way, but they kan't have mine, what little i know about these things has but whispered to me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and iz as di.tinkt and butiful, surnames tew me, as a dream on an empty stummack ; it may be all wrong but it never iz v icious, and thus i konklude it iz cdukashun. Now i don't advise-enny body else tew depend for their learning upon sich pre karious school masters, the best way iz to follow the ruts, it will take you to town just as it did yurc daddy. The route that i travel is cirkuitous and blind sometimes, it has now and then a visia, or a landscape iu it, that iz worth tew me, more than a farm of tillable land, but you kan't rai?e good white beens on a landakape. Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin to strut in the subbui bs of scntimei.tilily and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that if jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dis mount from tho turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more. Pure deviltry is tho monkey's rite lo',ver; he iz only valuable, (as personal proper ty) tew look at, aud wonder what he iz. going to do next. He iz a jack at all trades, put him ;a a barber shop, ho will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustasb, put him in a dri good store, and be will han die more goods than the beet retail clerk ' in A, T. Siewatle employ. -t w TcruiK, $2 per jcar In advance , NUMBER 28. The monkey has not got a logikal head, it is too much like a pin bed, all in a heap to oust, but his face is a concentrated dii drop of malishus miechief. He resembles the rat tarrier in counter nance, and skratches hiz head, as natuml as a districk school boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason. Monkeys never grow enny older in cX preshun, a yung monkey looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born aain. They are sometimes kept as pet?, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Fricid less, than two monkey. They will cat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more iustinkt than reason. But after all, the monkey shows evi dent signs ov reason, they are, as a means of praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i have ever pondered over and skratched mi head about. They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan raise sum devil, they aru too much like a human being in looks, and actions to kill oil, it is impossible few gaze at one and git mad at him, and it if. impossible to laff at their smirking san tanity, without getting mad at yuroself. If enny boddy should make me a pres ent ov a monkey, i don't know now, whether i ehuuld konsidcr it intended f.r malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back hi the same person that fetched him, to the donor, marked in loud italieks C. O I). In louklusion ; thare iz only one thing that i have a great supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that ia his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Li Jen, with the rest ov the critters, pre vious tew the time that Adam fell ; waa he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil as he i. now. An answer tew the above cunumdruiu iz earnestly solicited. A Funnt IxcnjKsr. Geo. Lascelle?, in a letter to the New York Clipper, re lates a funny incident which happened at the old Albany Museum, in the good old times when the drama, was figures and other cuiiosities were in vogti there; On the Fourth of July, 1K52, a patri otic addition to the show be'iiif; desired. Charles Salisbury, a comical genius, no torious for his practical jokes, was chosen to represent George Washington, and of course, was dressed in the traditional cos tume. The doors hail just been opened for the evening performance, and visitors had commenced thronging the curiosity rooms, when a mischievous idea struck Mr. Halisbury, who opened the door of one of the wax work cases, unobserved, took a position among the figures and tried to look as immovable as possible. A countryman, his wife and daughter, a young miss of eighteen, were the first who entered. As the young lady ap proached Washington, he bestowed upon her a most unlatherly wink. Good gracious, ma," exclaimed she, "that fig ure of Washington winked at me." "Non sense, child," exclaimed ma, "you are so conceited you think everybody is in love with you. ' But at this moment, she was almost speechless herself, for the venerable Washington had applied his fingers to his nose in a very suggestive manner. "Oh, William!" she exclaim ed, grasping her husband's arm, "di look at that." "What is itt" asked William, "why, I believe you women folks arei crazy." At this moment General Wash ington struck a beligerent attitude and uttered a terrific yell. In an instant the whole party tumbled down stairs, pell mell, and related the wonderful story, while Washington quietly slipped off to his dressing-room, laughing in hi fcleeve at the joke. Matrimomai, Machines. A machine ti facilitate marriages has, it is said in model at least been sect to the Patent Office by its inTentor. The uotiei is. that the mar riageable people of a social circle or district are to put their respective uames, written oa cards, into the machine ; upon setting it iu operation, the majority of the cards are ground to impalpable powder, but a few art turned out mated , and paired by iuexorablo fato. But, after all, this is n t equal to tho method of the olden time. Then, the lads and lasses gathered around ibe glowing hearth, the andirons were cleared from th blazirjg lops, and the bojs arranged chest nuts upen one andiron, the girls on the other. Each chtbtnut represented one individual the one who placed it there ; and the beads came very close together over the fire whiio the handa were placing the chestnuts on tha respective bars. The chestnuts were left to roast. There was no hope for thoBC thnt, exploding, fell into the fire. Those that flew out of the chimney-place into the ro m had anotter chance; but tho-c that sat out the roasting upon the bars were inevitably an irrevocably mated. It was only requisite in the beginning that, the cbestnnts should be examined, to tee, that they were sound, and that there wu no holes in tbt-ui ; the test was perfec.y fair, aud the great advan tage was WigX the chestnuts themselves popped' the que?;Ue.rt-, Uvsteklv A peculiarity of oysters ia unknown to njany. Thunder sours milk and kills oyster. You may load a ves sel to its utmost capacity, start for market, and one good round clap of thunder will kill every oyster in the vessel immediately. Pounding with an axe- upon the deck of a vcesel when oy6tefs tire therein, or pounding upon tha sides of a vessel with a heavy weight, will kill every oyster that feels the jar. But thunder ictche tfcooj the first pop. .
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