THE CHARMS Or CANADA SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. Original Comment on the Governor Gen eral, the Army and tho Illatnrjr of Ju bee, with Orra.lonal Trentment ol Other Tonlr Wanl In Richmond. lOofnrrljrhtod wir! pnhlithml by apodal arrfttwfe mont with O. W. Dillingham, Now York, pub Usher. XVIL IS CANADA. I 'M AT present existing on. der a nionikal form of Gov 'mflnt, in other words I'm travelin among the crowned heds of Canady. . They ain't pretty bad people. On the confry, they air exceedin' good people. Troo, they air deprived of many blesa ins. They don't enjoy, for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any American E;?il to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of July to theii backs. Altho' this is a inonikal form of Gov, ment, I ain onable to jwrceevo much moniky. I tried to git a pioco iu Toron to, bnt failed to succeed. Mrs. Victoria, who is Queen of Eng land and has all the luxuries of the markets, incloodin game in its season, don't bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as she's ruighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her sup plied with a lord, who's called a Gov'net Gin'ral. Sometimes the politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord for Caiiady has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our politicians, some of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no doubt. The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Cana dy is Lord Monk. I saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accompanied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those sort of things. He rodo a little bay horse, and his close wasn't any better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that the higher up in the world a man is, tho less good harness he puts on. Hence Gin'ral Halleck walks the streets in plain citiaen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regiment piles ill the brass things he can find onto hi ack, and drags a forty-pound sword ..fter him. Monk has been in the lord bisaias some time, and I understand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The wages of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has nothing to do with Monk. One of Lord Monk's daughters rode with him on the field. She has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit at Baldinsville. Come end bring your knittin', Miss Monk. Mrs. Ward will do the fair thing by you. She makes the best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal. She wears the Belt. What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a gigantic intel lect which can grasp great questions at onct. I am not a Webster or a Srr moub. I am not a Washington or a Old Abb. Fur from it. I urn not as gifted a man as Henry Ward Beecheb. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin'-House in Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I ehoold think so. But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pooty scrumptious in their red and green close. Come with me, jentle reader, to Quo beck. Quebeck lias seen lively times in a war like way. The French and Britishers had a set-to thore in 1759. Jim Wolfe commandod the latters, uud Jo. Mont calm the formers. Both were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But Wolfe was too many moaslus for Montcalm, uud the French was slew'd. Wolfe and Montcalm was both killed. In arter years a common monyment was erected by the gen'rons people of Queleck, aided by a bully Earl named George Dal housie, to those noble fellows. That was well done. Durin' the Revolutionary War B. Ar nold made his way, through douse woods and thick Bnowa, from Maine to Que beck, which it was one of the hunlriest things ever done in tho military line. It would have been better if B. Arnold's funeral had come off immoditly on his arrival thore. On the Pluins of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', and ever since hen there has been a great demand for the bones of the slew'd on that there occa sion. Sot tho real ginooino bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum thing by carting the bones of hosHos and sheep out there, and sellin em to intelligent American towerists. Takin a perfesHional viw of this dodge, I must say that it betrays genius of a lorfty character. ' It reminded me of a inspired foot of my own. I used to exhibit a wax figger yf Henry Wilkins, the Boy Murderer. Iknby had, in a moment of inadvert nce, killed his Uncle Ephbam and valked off with tho old man's money. (Veil, this s tat too was lost somehow, and not sposin it would make any particler difference I substitooted the full grown stattoo of one of my distinguished piruts for lh H-'-j- M:;rdei"r. One nvj;ht I ex hibit..! to a p nit but Inmost nu-.lipneo in the l iv. ;j of Stonyh.tm, Maine. "This, la-liea imd gentlemen," paid I, poifliiivr lay umbrella (that wonpon which ia indispensablo to every troo American) to the stattoo, "this ia a life like Wivs figger of the notorious HknUT WlLKlxS, who in the dead of night mur dered his Uncle EnittAM in cold blood. A pad warning to all uncles havin' mur derers for nephews. When a mere child this Henry Wilkins was compelled to go to the Sunday-school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go home and bring one. He went and returned with a comic song-book. A depraved procoedin.'' "But, says a man in tho audience, "when yon was here before your wax figger represented IIknry WiiJtiNS as a boy. Now, Henry was hung, nnd yet you show him to us now as a full-grown man! How's thatr" "Tho figger lias growd, sir it has growd," I said. I was angry. If it had been in those times I think I should have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him put ia Fort Lafayette. I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but chock full of interest Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can Rend their father's money, had better see Quebeck. Altogether I like Canady. Gkxxl peo ple and lots of pretty girls. I wonldn't mind comin' over here to live in the capacity of a Duke, provided a vara acy occurs, and providad further I could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon of liberty, etc. Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in a week. Let's havo the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we can't Ttn in favor of the Union as it wasn't. But the Union, anyhow. Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would bo happy bo virtoous! I who am the emblem of virtoo, toll yon so. A. Ward. ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. Richmond, Va., May 18 & 03. RICHMOND. Tho old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. My naburs seemed surprised & aston itiht at this darin' bravery onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our fam ily was never know'd to quale iu dan ger's Btonny hour. My father was a sutler in the Revoloo tion War. My father once had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette. He asked La Fayette to lend hiui five dollars, promisin' to pay him in the Fallj but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our langwidge was a little shaky. Immejutly on my 'rival here I per ceeded to the Sootswood House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the Regis ter, and haudin' my umbrella to a bald heded man behind the counter, who I s'posod was Mr. Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy, how does she run?" He called a cullud purson, and said: "Show the gen'lman to tho cowyard, and giv' him cart number 1." "Isn't Grant here?' I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my turnin' In with Lim." "Do you know the Gin'ral?" inquired Mr. Spotswood. "Wall, no, not 'zaky; but he'll remem ber me. His brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was " "Pooh! pooh!" said Spotsy, "don't bother me," and he shuv'd my umbrella onto the floor. ObaarvhV to "'"! not to be so keerloss with that wepin, I accom panied the African to my lodging. "My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin mancipated? Do you re alise how glorus it is to be free? Tell me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or do you realise the great fact in all its livin' and holy magni toodr Ho sed he would take some gin. I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a ono-mule cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept comf ble enuff if the bedclothes hadn't bin pulled off me dur in' the night, by a scoundrnl who cum and hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverm', and my throat feels a little husky this mornin'. Gineral Hullock offers me the hospi tality of the city, givin' me my choice of hospitals. Ho has also very kindly placed at my disjxisal a small-pox amboolance. UNION SENTIMENT. There is raly a groat deal of Union sentiment in this city. I see it on ev'ry hand. I met a man to-day I am not at lib erty to tell his name, but he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez he, "Why! we've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor bless me, how singlar!" Ho then borrer'd five dollars of mo und bust into a flood of teers. Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel), "Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud! The Old Flag is good enuff for me. Sir," he added, "yon air from the North! Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about youi'" "I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who luid just organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a very comfortable breakfuot on New England rum and cheese. He bor rowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's am brotype as soon as I got home, he walked off. Said another, "There's bin a tremen duouB Union feelin' hero from the fust But we was kept down by a rain of ter ror. Have you a dagarretype of Wen dell Phillips about your person? and will you lend me four dollars for a few days till we ah onoe mare a -happy and united people?" ALEXANDER BROTHERS & CO. DEALERS IX Cigars, Tobacco. Candies, Fruits and Nuts . SOLE AGENTS FOR Henry Maillard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every "Week. FEirisr-ar aoors .a. sfecx.&.x-t-s'. SOLE AGENTS FOR F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco Sole agents for the following brands of Clgiu-n: Henry Clay, Loadrcs, Normal, Indian Fr;r.cosc, Cameos, Silver Ash Bloomsburg, Pa. IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF Iff1 CARPET, 1UATTIKG, or OIL CJLOTII, YOU WILL FIND A NICE LINE AT w. m. BE0WW8 2nd Door above Court House. A new lot of Window Curtains received this week. CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN CILS AT COST, at J C3-. "WELLS.' Bring Your Watcb, Clock, and Jewelry work to J. B. WELLS. EYES FITTED FOR GLASSES FREE OF CHARGE AT J G. WELLS, COLUMBIAN 3UILDING. "?N CmoHEtTtR'8 English, Red Cross lrX Diamond Brand . 7 m m- wmtj ran, nil wmhi nu mr UM, baiMmlad with bl HbbOB. Tk mm MkM klarf. .JuA. .a ku.. 57 TRADESMAN: Trill) NBWSBffCR CIRCULATE IN THE H0ME5 or PEOPLE: DlMNTHC tflND OrQOODlYoUMfi MAvfe TQ SELL . AORAL : llli JTTF- MINV1IL inCKl IU YUUKJIUKL C. B. BOBBH DEALER IN Foreign and Domestic WINES AND LIQUORS. Bloomshurq, Pa. J. SALTZER'S sn With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the markets Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied tipun. If anything get. out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved. Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. The STECK PIANO is the hest made. Ita tone is surpassed by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck. We ha,re also the ESTEY and the STAKR PIANOS, And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Fianos from $250 to $600, and Organs from $7510 $ 175. In Sewing Machines we can give you the Celebrated p ''uj y ! I WHITE" The best Machine in the world. The NEW DOMESTIC, The ROYAL ST. JOHN, The STANDARD ROTARY ? Ami lUwwnnMP. We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. J. Saltzer, BlQQia&hurgfJ Pa faiiif . Spring days are at hand and premonitions of warm weather bring with them a desire for cooling dishes. We shall keep Ice Cream of many flavors from now on, and will serve it in our parlors day or night. Families and parties sup plied. Get our prices. The Cafe is open, and the kitchen is in charge of an ex perienced cook. Catering for parties, lodges, weddings, etc., a specialty. Fresh bread and cakes daily in the bakery. M. M PHILLIPS & SON. Proprietors of "PHILLIPS' CAFE." Bloomsburg, Pa. KESTY & HOFFMAN, Practical Machinists. We repair Engines, Boilers, Saw Mills, Threshers, Harvesters. Mowers and all kinds of machinery. WE HANDLE STEAM PIPE FITTINGS, VALVES, STEAM GAUGES. And all kinds of Repairs. FIl'E CUT TO OUUER. AGENTS FOR Garfiold Injector Co., Ga-rfield Doublo Jet Injector, Automatic-' end Locomotive Injector.' All work done by us is guaranteed to give satisfaction, and all work in our line will be promptly attended to SHOPS 6th and OENTEE STREETS. Pure Eye Whiskey. One year ago we had 5000 gallons of Old Rye Whiskey in Bond, which was considered a large stock to carry and sufficient for the trade. The demand, however, for our whiskey became such, that we were compelled to in crease the capacity of our distillery, in order to give the whiskey some age before placing it on the market. We are now making over a barrel a day ; having a daily capacity of over 50 als and carrying a stock of 11,000 gals, in Bond. We hope to give our patrons the benefit of the age and will sell no whisk ey under six months, and from that up to three years. No second hand barrels are used at our Distillery; all our whiskey is bonded in new clean, charred, barrels, and for purity and qual ity we defy competition. We have never distill ed a bushel of corn, and we do hereby guarantee ALL our whiskey to be absolutely Pure Rye and doubled , on a copper lined still and to any person who will hnd drills or com" in whiskey as it leaves our tilllery or Salesroom, will forfeit $500.00. ROHR McHENRY & SON. Benton, Pa. any our LOLLEGE r ' AND BCHOOL OP SII0KTIIA17D ana TYPEWRITING, W II.Ki:S.UAI(RH, PA, A PRAOTIOAL THAWING B0H00L TOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. HlflHlry at gludmits oue-fourtli luiyer thnu ever before lit IMs ilato. HuHt h.vhUsiiih of HiHik-keenliiir and Hhcirlhanil. l'litln, rapid H.VHtem (if liusliii'KH IViiimuihlilp. TI10 NUtnU aid Remington Typewriter rnulnly uitod. The eontldi'uee of the bUKliieHx public In shows by lUclr umitlnued uml inrrcmwd Inquiry for our Kruduuieti. tun enter at any lime. O. WWW HALDWIN.) r,iliui. MuyHlyr. A. w. Moas, 1'rlnolpitfi
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