THE SHOWMAN AT HOME. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. A Return from Now York How the Bat tle of Yorktuwn Fought Ovnr A Kit" A ftrnihlf) Ierlption of m Sham llattlr. j Copyrighted ami pnhlMictd hy Rpeelnl nrranjti-- tiK-nt witli U. w. Dnimitn.vji, auw lorn, puo Usher. XVI. THINGS IX NBW YORX. SPOZE the nUMxlcnt and con nyseer have noticed and ad mired in vans part of the United States of America large yeller hanbills, which not only air gums of art in themselves, but they trootU fully sit forth the attractions of my how a show, let me here observe, that contains many livin' wild animals, every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral. Them hanbills is sculpt in New York. & I annooally repair here to git soma more on 'uin; &, bein' hero, I tho't Td issoo a Ad dress to the public. Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo unimpaired, but I've got to git some new clothes. Many changes has taken place, even dnrin' my short absenco, & sum on uni is Solium to coutempulate. The house in Varick street, where I used to Board, is bein' torn down. That house, which was rendered inemoriable by my livin' into it, is "pnrsin' away! parsin' away!" But some of the timbers will be inadc into canes, which will bo sold to my ad mirers at the low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' on contin erly. In the New World it is war in the Old World Empires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes is cheap at a dollar. Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's a artist. He studid in Rome State of New York. Tin here to read the proofsheets of my hanbils as fast as they're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty close, for they're jest as apt to spel a vurd rong as anyhow. But I have time to look round sum & :ow do I find things? I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, & what State do I find the country in? Why, I don't know what State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it in the State of Jersey. Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house I once boarded in is essential to their happi ness, should not delay about sendin the money right on for one. My reported captnr by the North American savijis of Utah led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I hud bid adoo to earthly things and was an angel playin' on a golden harp. Hents my rival home was onex pected. It was 11, p. m., when I reached my homestid and knockt a healthy knock on the door thereof . A nightcap thrust itself out of the front chamber winder. (It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said: "Who is it?" "It is a Man!" I answered, in a grufi vois. "I don't b'lieve it!" she Bed. "Then come down and search me," 1 replied. Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A. W., Betsy? Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou!" "Oh," she said, "it's you, is it? I thought I smelt something." But the old girl was glad to see me. A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says he'll be Bam if he goes to the war. He wus set tin on a barrel, & was indered a Louth sum objeck. Last Sunday I heard Parson Butkins preach, and the good old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was rather lengthy. Tho Editor of tho Bugle, who was with un, said that prayer would make fifteen squares, solid nonpareil. A. Ward. SURRENDER OF COUXWALUS. It was customary in many of tho in land towns of Now England, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the surrender of Lord Corawallis by i a sham representation of that important 1 event in the history of tho Revolutionary j War. A town meeting would bo called, 1 at which a company of men would bo do- j tailed as British, aud a company as ; Americans two loading citizens being selected to represent Washington aud OornwalliH in tho mimio surrender. 'The pleasant little town of W , in whose schools tho writer has boon re-1 peatedly corrected," npou whose ponds he has often skated, upon whose richest orchards ho has, with othor juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the lent midnight tho town of W , v e it was popularly believed those bandits would "come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate the surrender. Rival towns aud celebrated, and V determined to edipse thorn in the most signal man ner. It is my privilege to tell how W succeeded in this determination. Tho great day came. I People poured into the villago from all over the county. Never had W I experienced such a j:im. Never had there been such an onslaught upon gin gerbread carts. Never had New Eng land rum (for this wus boforo Neal Dow's day) Unwed so freely. And W 1 's fiiir daughters, who mounted the housetops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. Tho old folks came, too, and among them were several war scarred heroes who had fought gallantly at Mon mouth and Yorktowu. These brave sons of '70 took no. part in tho demon stration, but an honored bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the pi azza of Sile Smith's store. At precisely 0 o'clock, by the school master's new "Lepeen" watch, tho Amer ican and British forces marched on to the village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding tho Bpoctator of tho time when Brnre WolCo drew tip his men In a style mo pretty, On tho Holm of Abraham Before tho olty. The character of Washington was as signed to 'Squire Wood, a weil to do aud influential farmer, whilo that of Cornwallis had been given to the village lawyer, a kind hearted bnt rather pom oris person, whoso nam was Caleb 3onS. 'Squire Wood, tho Washington of the occasion, had met with many unexpected difficulties in prepariug his forces, and in his perplexity ho had emptied not only his own canteen but those of most of his aids. The consequence was mortifying, as it must be to all true Americans blushing as I do to tell it, Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was most unqualifiedly drunk. The sham fight commenced. Bang! bang! bang! from the Americans bang! bang! bang! from the British. Tho bangs were kept hotly up until the powder gave out, aud then came the order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed fiercely in the sunlight, each soldier tak ing very good care not to hit anybody. "Thaz (hie) right," shouted Washing ton, who during the shooting had been racing his horse wildly np and down the line, "thaz right! Qin it to 'em! Cut their tarsal heads on?!" j "On, Romans!" shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a theatrical perform ance and remembered the heroic appeals of tho Thespian belligerents, "on to tho fray! No sleep till mornin'." "Let emit all their bowels," yelled Washington, "and down with taxation on tea!" The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly arranged, and Corn wallis, dismounting, prepared to present his sword to Washington according to programme. As he walked slowly to wards the Father of His Country he re hearsed the little speech ho had commit ted for the occasion, while the illustrious being who was to hear it was making desperate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly "brandish his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, and than he would fall sud denly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the mane as drowning men ize hold of straws. He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on horseback. All idea of the magnitude of the ccasion had left him, und when ho saw Cornwallis approaching, with slow and stately step, and sword-hilt ex tended toward him, he inquired: "Whot-'n devil you want, any (hie) how!" "General Washington," said Cornwal lis in dignified and impressive tones, "I tender yon my sword. I need not in form you, Sir, how deeply" The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington, who, driving the spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to run over the commander of the British forces. He was not permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate con dition, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened Washington up in his sad dle, and requested Cornwallis to proceed. "General Washington," said Cornwal lis, "the British Lion prostrates himself at the foet of tho American Eagle!" i "Eaglet Eagle!" yelled tho infuriated Washington, rolling oil his horso and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the head with tho flat of his sword, "do you cull me a Eagle, you mean, sneakin' cuss?" Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a ' moment. Smarting from the blows he had received ho arose with an entirely unlooked for recuperation on the part of tho fallen, and in direct defi ance of historical example; in spite of tho men of both nations, ho whipped the immortal Washington until ho roared for morcy. The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at tho conduct of their chief, now began to sympathize with him, and resolved to whip thoir mock foes in earn est. They rushed fiercely upon thorn, but tho British wero really tho stronger party and drove the Americans back. Not content with this, they charged mildly upon them and drovo them from tho field from tho villago in fact. There were many heads damaged, eyes draped in mounting, noses fractured and legs lamed it is a wonder that no one wus killed outright. Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but ho recovered ut litst. For a time there was a coolness between himself und Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join tho whole county in laughing about tho surrender. They live now. Time, tho "artist," lias thoroughly whitewashed thoir heads, but they are very jolly still. On town meeting days the old 'Squire always rides down to the village. In tho hind part of his venerable yollow wagon is always a bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to hide a glass bottle from tho vulgar gazo. This bottle has on one sido a likeness of La- lliyctte, und upon tlto othor may be seon tho Goddess of Liberty. What the bot tle contaius inside I caunot positively say, but it is true that "Squire Wood und Lawyer Jonos visit that bottle very frequently on town mooting days and come back looking qui to red iu the face. When this redness in the face becomos of the blazing kind, as it generally does by the lime tho polls close, a short dia logue uko tlus may be heard: "We sinill never play surrender again, Lawyer Jonos!" I "Them days is over, 'Squiye Wood!" ALEXANDER BROTHERS & CO. DEALERS IN Cigars, Tobacco, Candies, Fruits and Nuts SOLE AGENTS KOR Henry Mail lard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every Week. SOLE AGENTS FOR F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco; Solo agents for the follow ing brands of Cigars: Hoary Clay, Loadrcs, Normal, Indian Princess, Samson, Silver Asb Bloomc.burg. Pa. IF YOU ARE CARPET, or OIL, CJLOTII, YOU WILL FIND A NICE LINE AT W. H. BEOWEK'S 2nd Door above A new lot of Window Curtains received this week. CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN CILS AT J C3-. "WELL Bring Your Watch, work to J. FREE OF CHARGE - COLUMBIAN 3UILDING. THE OHiaiNAL AMD BCNUINK. VaaMlvftaJh. Rhm. .nil rmUrklm Pill i . ldlaa. uk DruMlM fhr CkiAkaMUr1 kaa aell win I1 rlbbM. Taaa All pllu la paaiaboard boxM, pink wrapper., ar dnacrouaoaatrrVlt. AlDrnffgim.armdaj 4a. In Mampa for parUoalara, taaUaianlala, tad atelTf tmr Ladle," Umr.hi rrimru Mail. lO.OOOTaiBnanlaU. Atou Avar.. CHICHCaTIN CHEMICAL Co., Maalaoa Maura. Ml hr all iKNal VnunUu. VBlLatlUJfHuSTZr ) TR ADE5ACYAN u line nuTXiiHrLPv K PIDf3! II ATFS IN THF HOMES I W fc-f a .a) a V rvF- rjFnnT p B rND OFQ00D! VdJ m MAvfe TO SELL . V AORAL: IHVITE them 0 C. B. BOBBINS, DEALER IN Foreign and Domestic WINES AND LIQUORS. ,i i , Bloomsburq, Pa. IN NEED OF MATTING, Court House. COST, at Clock, and Jewelry G. WELLS. EYES FITTED FOR GLASSES AT J. G. WELLS, Chichester English, Red Cross diamond brand J MmmUA Diamuntd Brand in UfA and IJtid k.LaIII. aa tkar kiad. Vwj 0w6.KfwMU m4 MMNoM. V MRYSDADPD A . a a aava a w a RT THF n ( to your Store 1AN0S, ORGANS J. SALTZER'S i With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the markets Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get. out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved. Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. ' ' ' ' The STECK PIANO is the hest by none, l ou make no We hane also the ESTEY aud the STARR PIANOS, And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Tianos from $250 to $600, and Organs from $7sto $175. In Sewing Machines we can i .Wa-n-i- 'aialf aWH. We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. Spring days are at hand and premonitions of warm weather brin with them a desire for cooling dishes. We shall keep Ice Cream of many flavors from now on, and will serve it in our parlors day or night. Families and parties sap plied. Get our prices. The Cafe is open, and the kitchen is in charge of an ex perienced cook. Catering for parties, lodges, weddings, etc., a specialty. Fresh bread and cakes daily in the bakery. M. M PHILLIPS & SON. Proprietors of "PHILLIPS' CAFE." Bloomsburg, Pa. KESTY & HOFFMAN, We repair Engines, Boilers, Saw Mills, Threshers, I larvesters. Mowers and all kinds of machinery. WE HANDLE STEAM PIPE FITTINGS, VALVES, STEAM GAUGES. And all kinds of Repairs. PIPE CUT TO OKDEIt. AGENTS FOR Garfield Injector Co., Garfield Double Jut Injector, Automatic and Locomotive Injector. All work done by us is guaranteed to give satisfaction, and all work in our line will be promptly attended to SHOPS 6th and OENTEE STREETS- Practical Machinists. SEWING MACHINES. made. Its toue is surpassed mistake u you ouy a oicck., ; give you the Celebrated WHITE" (t The best Machine in the world. The NEW DOMF. STIC, The ROYAL ST. JOHN, The STANDARD ' ROTARY And the NEW HOME. Pure Bys Whiskey. One year ago we had 5000 gallons of Old Rye Whiskey in Bond, which was considered a large stock to carry and sufficient for the trade. The demand, however, for our whiskey became such, that we were compelled to in crease the capacity of our distillery, in order to give the whiskey some age before placing it on the market. We are now making over a barrel a day ; having a daily capacity of over 50 gals, and carrying a stock of xx.ooo gals, in Bond. We hope to give our patrons the benefit of the age and will sell no whisk ey under six months, and from that up to three years. No second hand barrels arc used at our Distillery; all our wnisKey is bonded in new, Clean, clmrrril. Karrpk and for purity and qual ity we aely competition. We have never distill ed a bushel of corn, and we do hereby guarantee ALL our whiskey to be absolutely Pure Rc and doubled on a copper lined still and to any person who will find any drills or corn in our whiskey as it leaves our Dis tilllery or Salesroom, we will forfeit $500.00. ROHR McHENRY tk SON. Benton, Pa. Ik-hrs hi:: Mgi AND HCIIOOL OF SEtOSTEAHD and TYPEWRITING, WILKI-S-UARHi;, p.l, A PRACTICAL TRAINING SCHOOL FOR LADIES AND QEUTLEMEN. ltetftstry of Btiulcnu one-fiurtU larger linn evi-r MTuio ut UUh Unto. Ilust, syHteum of HiMk-ki-j)lnx und Hiioiiiiunil. 1-liiln, mold aystPinof uiiHlm ss l'iniuun.tlilp. Tlio HUtnO urd (.minium Typi-wrlter luulnly used. The coniKiiMicu of tii liusint-HH imhiio lu Hliown uy their coutlnui'd and tiuTtmni'd liuiulry lor our tp-uiluuli-s. cuu enter ut uuy time. (1. tfcWIR BALDWIN.) ' . . Muy 8 lyr. A. W. M08H, . J l'rliiclpula 1
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers