HE SEES J. NATOLEON. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. Valuable Infnrnmtlnn Obtained Itrgard Ins Hip llrmlth of Fmptror I.ould nml F.mprr Kngonle Tribute raid to the Flint Napoleon Columbus CrUlclnPil. (Copyrlprhtwl anl published by upeolnl nrranw tnrnt W illi 0. V. Dillingbiun, Now York, 1'iib lislier IX. OTTEHVTEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. OTWITHSTANDIN I hnin't writ much for the pnpers of lato in lxu1y H w u niMxtut niittop tiiotr WJ U l selves that the umler- Fined is (led. On the coiitry, "I still live." which words was spoken by Dunyil Webster, who wiis a able man. Even the old-lino whijs of Boston admit that. Webster is dod now, howsever, and his mantle h;ia probably fallen into the hands of snm dealer in 2nd band close, who can't sell it. Leastways nobody peara to l (join romicl wearin it to any perticlor extent, now days. The rin Inint of whom I was Himel. finerly con cluded they was hetUf adapted as Home Gards, which accounts fur your not liearin of me, ear this, where the hauls is the thickest and whern tho cannon doth roar. Cut as a American citizen I tihall never cease to ndmiro the nii'sterly advance our troops made on W;ishm ton from Bull Run, a short time ao. It was well dun. I spoke to my wife 'bont it nt the time. My wifo sed" it was well dun. It bavin there4 bin detarmined to per fect Baldinsville at all hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any im mejit danger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleiisure tower. Accordingly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton. I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will hero take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locali ty as there is. It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it. But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton is intirely be yond my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that. I put tip to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and Bed, "How d'ye lo. Square?" "Fifty cents, sir," was his reply. "Sir?" "Half-a-dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for look-in at the landlord, and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want supper, a boy will show you to the dinin room for twenty-five cents. Your room bein in tho tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown up there." "IIow much do you ax for a man breatlun in this eqninomikal tarvun?" sed I. "Ten cents a Breth," was bis reply. Washinton hotels aro very reasonable in their charges. N. B. This is Sar kassum. I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before him. He received me kindly, and axed rue to sit down. "I hav cum to pay my reepecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and harty." "I am quite well," he sed. "Air you well, sir?" "Sound as a ensst" I answerd. He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation to onct. "How's Lewis?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. Eugeny was like wise well, he sod. Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider? did he cum home arly nites? did he perfoom her bed room at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy? did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there wasn't any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend? did he hav a extensiv acquaint ance among poor young widders whose husbands was in Californy? to all of which questions the Prints perlitely re plido, givin me to understan that the Emperor was behavin well. "I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble hinessand imperials, be caws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man. I know he's smart. He is . ennnin, ho is long heded, he is deep he is grate. But onless he is good he'll come down with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin. Bet yer life!" "Air you a preacher, sir?" he inquires slitely sarkastical. "No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in Meetiu Hounds. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetiu Houses, and where preachers is never seen, and 111 show you a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, where the women are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's 'wild land' air painted upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco jooce! That's what I'll show you. Let us con aider what the preachers do for us before we aboose 'em." He sed he didn't mean to aboose the :fergy. Not at all, and he was happy to ae that I was interested in the Bonypart :amily. ' "It's a grate family," sed I. "But they scooped the old man in." "How, Sir?" "Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers Ike scooped him at Waterloo, lie wanted to do too much, and ho did it! They scooped him in nt Waterloo, ami be snlmekpiitly died at St. Ilelenyt There's where the gratest military man this world ever pro j need prgged out. It was rather hard to consine snob a man ns him to St. llcleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walkin np and down tho dreary beach in a military clonk drawn titely round 1dm. (seo pict-er-books), but so it was. 'lied of tho Army!' Them was bis larst words. So ho bad bin. lie was grate! Don't I wish wo bad a pair of bis old boots to command sum of our Brigades!" This pleased Jerome, and ho took mo warmly by the band. "Alexander tho Orato was punkius," I continnered, "but Napoleon waspunkin ser! Alio wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. Ho drowndid his sorrow in tho flowin bole, and tho flowin bolo was too much for him. Itginerallyis. Ho under took to give a snako exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad joko on Alict" "Since you air so solicitous nlxtnt France and tho Emperor, may I ask you how your own country is getting along?" sed .Teromo, in a pleasant voice. "It's mixed," I sed. "But I think we shall cum out all right." "Columbus, when ho diskivered this nrvgnificent continent, could hav had no idee of the grandeur it would one day ascoom," sed tho Prints. "It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out hisexplorin expedition," sed I. "If ho had bin a sensible man he'd have put tho money in a boss rail road or a gas company, and left this magnificent continent to intelligent sav ages, who when they get hold of a good thing knew euull to b-ep it, ami who wouldn't linvo seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in tho hod with a slnng shot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, after all. It would hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid at home. Chris ment well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for America." We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst I riz to go. "1 will now say good bye to yon, nolilo sir, and good luck to yon. Likewise tho same to Clotildy. Also to tho gorgeous persons which compose your soot,. If the Emperor's boy don't like livin nt tho Tooleries, when he gits uhb-r, and would like to imbark in tiio show bizniss, let him come with mo and I'll nyiko a man of him. You find us sumwlilit mixed, as I beforo obsarved. but como again next year and you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eaglo has lived too sumpturusly of late his stummic be enm foul, and he's takin a slito emetic. That's all. We're gettin ready to strike a big blow and a sure ono. When we do strike the fur will fly and secession will 1m in the bands of the undertaker, sheeted for so deep a grave that notion short of Gabriel's trombone will ever awaken it! Mind what I say. Yon've heard the showman!" Then ndvisin him to keep away from tho Peter Funk auctions of the East, and tho proprietors of corner-lots in the West, I bid him farewell and went away. There was a levee at Senator What's-his-namo's, and I thought I'd jine in tho festivities for a spell. Who should I soe but she that was Sarah Watkins, now tho wifo of our Congresser, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's father used to keep a little grosery store in onr town and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I was rushin np to shake hands with her when she turned on her heel, and tossin her bed in a contemptooius manner, walked away from me very rapid. "Hallo, Sal," I hollered, "cau't you measura me a quart of them best molasses? I may want a codfish, also!" I guess this re minded her of the little red store, and "the days of her happy childhood." But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much sweeter than Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and we Glode. I intended to make this letter very seris, bnt a few goaks may have accident ally crept in. Never mind. Besides, I think it improves a komick paper to pnb lish a goak once in a while. Yours Muchly. Ward (Artemus). NOTES FROM BOSTON. Mil. FANl'F.U Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst. This is the Cradle in which the Uoddesn of Liberty was rocked, my Doar. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past few years, and tho num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't help her any; bnt tho old gal's physicians now are men who understand their bisness, Major-generally spealriu', and I think tho day is near when she'll be able to take her three meals a day, and sleep nights as comf bly as in the old time. HARVARD COLLEGE. This celebrated institootion of learnin' is pleasantly situated in tho Bar-room of Parker's, in School street, and has poo pils from all over the country. I had a letter, yes'd'y, by the way. from our mootual son, Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin Cvllogo in Maine. He writes that he's a Bowdoin Arab. & is it cum to this? Is this Boy, as I nur tured with a Parent's care into his child hood's hour is he goiu' to be a Orato American humorist? Alars! I fear it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent Travellin' Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appearance at our last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a Pillist? Ar, these Boys they little know how the old folks worrit about 'em. But my father he never had no occasion to wor rit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I fust commenced my career as a moral ex hibitor with a six-legged cat and a Baas drum, I was only a simple peasant child skurce 15 Summers had flow'd over my yoothf ul hed. But I had sum mind of my own. My father understood this. "Go," he said "go, my son, and hog the public!" (he ment, "knock em," but the old man was alius a little given to slang). He put his withered han trem- Diiniy onto my hed, and went sadly into the house. "The People's More." OF DANVIIXE, PEN A., Aro now nflVrint; mvnt inducements to the C2XI2ENS of I)U)OMStlIlG uiul April they tierce to )iiy the litres for the round trip via tlie Delaware, Lackawanna & Western and t lie Philadelphia iSc Heading Railroads on all Cash purchases amounting to Ten Dollars ($10.00) or over. This will enable the people of Rlooinsburj? and Mirroundinsr towns a good chance to visit the largest and fine! More room in the Susquehanna Valley and at tho same time the largest stock of Dry Goods, Dress Goods, Silks, Velvets. Plushes, Domestics, Prints, Ginghams, Notions Hosiery, Underwear, Coats, Capes, Carpets, Roots and Shoes, Hardware, Crockery, Groceries and Provisions. From which to make your selections. We guarantee that you will he well repaid by a visit to our mammoth establish ment. Ruy your round trip ticket and on presentation of return coupon and purchase of goods amounting to Ten Dollars the price of the ticket will be refunded D. L. & W. 11 11. Trains leave Rloomsburg " " Rupert " " Catawissa Arriving nt Danville Returning leave Danville Phila. & Trains leave Rloomsburg " Catawissa " Rup'rt Arriving at Danville Returning leave Danville 1 1 ICS PECT K I JLLY, THE PEOPLES STORE" W. C- FRICKfc CO. Cor. Mill & Centre Sts. DANVILLE PKNNA. ALEXANDER lUlOTJlERS & CO. DKALEKS IX Cigars, Tobacco, Candies, Fruits and Nuts SOLE AGENTS FOR Henry Mail lard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every Week. ZFetistv Gooes .a. Spilcia-tt, SOLE AGENTS FOR F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco Sole agents for t he following brands of Cigars: Henry Clay, Lcndrcs, Normal, Indian Princess, Samson, Silver Asb- Bloomsburgi Pa. IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF CARPET, IATTIM, or OIL CJLOTII, YOU WILL FIND A' NICE LINE AT W. H. BEOWEE'S 2nd Door above Court House. J A new lot of Window Curtains received this week. CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN CILS AT COST, at 0". WELLS.' Bring Your Watch, work to J. EVES FITTED FOR GLASSES FHEE OF CHARGE AT J. G. WELLS, COLUMBIAN 3UILDING. THE BEST POROUS Tssaraasr rheumatism, kidney pains, lame back, &c. M cwau DracfMi, OKOSTBNK te 4UCHAKDS, Mm, Mm. vicinitv. Duiinjr the inontli of A. M. P. M. P. M. H.tfl 12.1S 4.1o 8.37 111 V22 8.-1U PJ.L'S 4.28 8.f7 V2.V2 4.4(5 10.:5:) '2.11 0.05 Rd - . 11. R. A. M P. M. 8.10 8.10 8.17 8.:il 11.0'J :.; Ji.'JO :j.J8 (',(): Clock, and Jewelry S. WEL S. PLASTERS IN THE WORLD. CL0TMM ! CLOTHING MPef Cent. Ifidndaon. WE ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF Winter and Spring Clothing, ALSO Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re duction of io per cent. Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to $5.00 on every suit you buy. This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING CLOTHING ever offered in Hloomsburg. We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make Suits to Order. WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION in our make of clothing both as to quality and style. Come while this reduction lasts. Bloomsburg, Pa. IANOS, OliGANS J. SALTZER'S With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments and sewing machines I can Guarantee to mv customers thp ht ; ., m,rUB Tianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get. out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved. Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. 1 The STECK PIANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck. We hae also the ESTEY and the STAHR PIANOS, And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Pianos from $250 to $600, and Organs from $75 to $175. In Sewing Machines we fell .fuit 'lal fci We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. Ji. eSaltzer, BJoomsburg, P& DEALER IN Foreign and Domestic WINES AND LIQUORS. Bloomsburq, Pa. EVAN fe EYEJt, CORKER MAIN AND IRON STREE7S. SEWING MACHINES. s. can give you the Celebrated " WHITE " The best Machine in the world. ' The NEW DOMESTIC, The ROYAL ST. JOHN, The STANDARD ROTARY And the NEW HOME.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers