THE SHOW ON THE ROAD. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. Tlio Exhibition Meet with Immense. Sneccu, but the Proprietor fall Into the Clutches of WlrkeU Toople Aliio of a Female Seminary. IQopjrrljThted ami pulJtslio.1 by neclnl Rrruno- niont with Q. W. DiUiugbaiu, Now lorn, yao Usher.) IV. on tfie mm Gents of tlio EJitoriiil Corpse: INCE I last rit you I've met with im mense success a , showing my show in vans places, particly at Detroit. I put up nt Mr. RusRel'a tv ern, u very good tav ern too, but I am sorry to inform yon that the clerks tried to com a Gouro Giune on me. I brandished my new six teen dollar huntin cased watch round considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot of sweet scent ed wagon grease on my hair, I am free to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that 1 lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better put my watch in the safe. "Sir," sez I, '-that watch cost Bixteen dollars! Yes, Sir, every dollar of it! Yon can't enm it over me, my boy! Not nt all, Sir." I know'd what tho clerk wanted. He wauted that watch himself. From Dotroit I go West'ard hoe. On the cars was a he-lookin female, with a green cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She ed every woman should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their Spears didn't know what was good for them. "What is my Spear?" she ased, addressing tho people in the cars. "Is it to stay at home & darn stocking & be the ser-lave of a domineerin man? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show my self the ekal of man? Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear?" Sayin which the eccentric female whirl ed her umbreller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. MI hav no objecshnns to your goin into the Spear bizness," sez I, "but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeriL Don't Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down. At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sud den faintness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage up, u pale faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoul der, & sed, "Look not upon the wine when it is red!" Sez I, "this ain't wine. This is Old Rye." "It stingcth like a Adder and bitalh like a Sarjxmti" sed the man. "I guess not," sod I, "when you put sugar into it. That's the way I oilers take mine.'' "Have you sons grown up, sir?" the man axed. "Wall," I replide, as I put myself ont sido my beverage, "my son Artemus junior is goin on 18." "Ain't you afraid if you sot this exam ple b4 him he'll cum to a bad end?" "He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learnin the shoe makin bizness," I replide. "This is a cold world," sed the man. "That's bo. But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if yon don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm onwell. I arter wards learned he was a temperance lect urer, and if he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the fright ful licker whicb is retailed round the country I shall heartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen 'em to doth by degrees. At Albion I met with ovcrwhelmin success. The celebrated Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 800 young hulies in the Institu shin, pretty enough to eat without sea sonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind to me, volunteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses. It was a subliine site to see over 300 young ladies goin round with a adver tisement of A. Ward's onparaleled show, conspickusly posted onto their dresses. Virtoo is its own reward. A. Ward. the ocronooN. It is with no ordenary feelins of Sha grin & indignashun that I rito you these here lines. Sura of tho hiest and most purest feelins whitch actoate the hnmin hart has bin trampt onto. The Amory can flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nuss in a Adder in' my Boozura. The fax is these here: A few weeks ago I left Baldiusville to go to N. Y. fur to git out my flainiu yeller handbills fur the Summer kam pane, & as I was peroosia u noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in speck terkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was drest in black close & was ap parently as fine a man as ever was. "A fine duy, Sir," he did unto me strateway say. "Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kom mit myself, tlio ho peered to be as fine a man as there was in the wnrld "It is a middlin fine day, Square," I observed. Sez he, "How fares the Ship of .State ro ynre regine of country?" - Sea I, "Wo don't have no ships in our Btate the kanawl is our best holt" He pawscd a minit and then sed, "Air yn aware, Sir, that the krisis is with us?" "No," sez I, getting up and lookin under tho sect, "whare is she?" "It's hoar it's everywhares," he soil. Sez I, "Why how you tawk!" and I gut up agin and lookt all round. "I must say, my fren," I coutinnered, as I resoomed my soot, "that I kan't soo uo thin of no kriois myself." I felt snin what alarmed, & arose & in a stentow rian voice obaarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis conswled nhowt their persons they'd let ter projnee it to onct or suffer the konse qnences. Several iudividoouls snickered rite out." "Sit down, my fren," sed tho man in black close, "yn miskoitiprphend me. I imvn that the pcrlittercal ellennunts are orecaxt with black kloivls, 4boden a f rite ful storm." "Wall," replide I, "in regard to per littotval ellerfunt-t I don't know as how but what they ia as good as enny other kind of ellerfuuts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery Bet& unplcaiaut to hav around. They air powerful hevy eaters & take up a right smart clians of room." Tlio man in black close se-mcd to lie as fine a man as ever was in tho world. Ho smilt & sed praps I was rito, tho it was ellennunts instill of eller f tints that he was allndin to, & axed me what was my prinsorpuls? "I haint gut enny," sod I "not a prin serpul. Ime in the show bizuis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed to bo as fine a man as ever was hi the world. "But," sez ho, "yon hav feelins into you? You ciuiiMithize with the mutfor tunit, the loly & tho hart-nick, don't you?" Ho bust into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the soet out yender, piutin to as slick a lookiu gal as I ever seed. Sed I, "2 bo shure I ooo her is she mutch sick?" Tho man in black clo.se was appeerently as fine a mau as ever was in the world ennywhares. "Draw elostcr to me," sed the man in black close. "Let mo git my mowth fernenst ynre ear. Huah siiksk a Oc tokoon!" "Wall, whot upon arth dnz sho doo it fur?" I inquired. "She kan't help it," Bed the man in black close. "It's tho brand of Kae." "Wall, Bhe'd bettor stop drinkin' Kane's brandy," i replide. "I sed tho brand of Kane was upon her not brandy, my fren. Yure vory obtoose." I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, "My gentle Sir, Ime a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no rows with nobuddy, but I kin neverthe les kave in enny man's hed that calls me a obtoos," with which remarks I kom menst fur to pull orf my cxtry gar u.ints. "Cum on," sez I "Time! hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye!" & I darnced round like a poppit. He riz up in his sect and axed my pardin sed it was all a mistake that I was a good man, etset tery, & sow forth, & wo fixt it all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the vrurld. He said a Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow. He likewise statid that the female he was travlin with was formurly a slave in Mississip pi'; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to purehiss the freedim of her poor old muther. Ho sed ho knowed the minit he gazod onto my Id.-wssio & beneverlunt fase that Fd donate librnlly and axed me to go over & see her, which I accordinly did. I sot down beside her and sed "yure Sarvant, Mann! How do yer git along?" She lrast in 2 teers & said, "O Sur, Tin so retchid I'm a poor unfortuuit Octo roon." "So I larn. Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it," Bed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull eudoorin time of my life. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost recusses of my hart & hawled out 00 dollars ker slap & told her to buy her old mnther as soon us posser bul. Sez she "kine sir mutch thanks." She then lade her hod over onto my 6howlder & sed I was "old rats," Sez I "Mann, I'm trooly sirprized." Sez she, "git out. Yure the nicist old man I've seen yit Give us anuther 50!" Had a seleck assortment of the most tre menjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more takin uback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat tales & in a wild voise cride, "No, Uo never desart you let us fli together!" Sez I, "not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to got awa from her. "This is plade out," I sod, "where upon she jerkt me back into the seet. "Leggo my coat, you scaudaluss female," I roared, when she sot up the most un arthly yellin and hollerin you ever heerd. The pasainjers & the gentle munly konductur rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase. Tho mau in black close rusht up to me & sod "How dair yu insult my neece, yon horey hedod vagaboue. You base exhibbitter of low wax Aggers yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th. I was konfoozed. The konductor kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle for $50, which I immejitly hawled out, & agane implored souiebuddy to state whare I was priusipnlly, & if I shood be thare a grate while myself ef things went on as they'd bin goin fur sum time back. I then axed if there was enuy more Octoroons present, "becawz," sez I, "ef there is, let um cum along, fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I theu threw my specterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed highsterically & fell under a seet. I lay there Bum time & fell asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carrid orf by Ryenosserhosses & that Baldiusville had bin captered by a army of Octoroons. When I awoked thd lamps was a bnrnin dimly. The on prinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black closo was gone, & all of a sud dent it flasht ore my brane that I'd bin swindild. The Modern Method. "Was their match a case of love at first sight?" "Not exactly. It was case of mar riage at first eight." Puck. "I THINK t K1L1.V.O HIM." A Dramntlo Incident of l.lfn In the Klurk llelt of the South. On a lend in Mississii pi we met u young lady on horsebacK plain look iug girl about 18 years oil. Wo wiv In a wagnii, and ns wo mot t'ue drivel litilted his mule mid xnluled: "Jltiwiiin", Mis Lillile. " "Maw n in', Siiiii, "slio replied, "Owine long up?" "Yes." "All tho folks tolerable? " "Yes." With that she rode on and our team started up. The road wns rough mid wound through the woods, and ve had proceeded about 30 rods when we heard the report of a pistol. "Quick we're needed!" shouted my companion, and he flung down the lines, leaped to the ground, end took the back truck at a run. 1 followed him, find tl i -r ctly we came in sight of the c;irl She was on her feet, working nt the bridle of her horse, and lying on the grouml rot 10 feet a way w as tho body of n ne gro, luuU'si, contless, and barefooted. "iiti whs hidden behind that tree," explained I he girl "lie got hold of the bridle, and broke this rem. I think I Killed him." A small revolver lay on the ground liesido her. We went over to the body, mi l were about to FXnniiuo it when the legs began to kick, the eyes opened, nnd Hie fellow scrambled to his feet. He !-cemcd dttzed for a moment, tin I ns l.e xlood liefore us I saw blood oozing out over his chest Then, of a sudden, lie w li e!ed and bounded away into the thicket. "You didn't dun kill him, Mis Lib I ie." stiid the driver as wo went over to her. "It's lttcr, perhaps, " she repliel. "Here, Sam, give ine a lift. " lie helHd her to the Baddle, nnd ns lie gathered up the reins and cantered olf hIi waved her whip as a farewell, mid wns out of sight in two minutes. "She's got nerve, " I observed, us we stood looking after her. "Yes, " he replied, in nn absent wny, "but none to brag of. She orter fi iili 'd him niter she got oil tho hois. " D. troit 1'ree 1'ivsk. IT HYPNOTISM? Sud Mental Condition of an Kconoinle il Hook Iluyer. As I wns coming down tiwn a few days ago I met Grizzly in the car, and ns we were old rhummies and bud not seen each other for a few weeks, I greeted him very cordially. "What's new ia the papers this morn inc ? I inquired to net the con versa tiontil ball comfortably rolling. "Pa er isn't out ynt this week Siv, I hear they have discovered gold in California. " I looked nt bi n a little curiotidy, nnd before I could make up my min i what he was driving at, he said: "No use talking, General Taylor is our man for President " Then I looked at him rather closely to see if he showed any symptoms of insanity in his eye; but he was in np petirance ns culm and rational as ever. "Now that we've got the Mexican war closed up in good shape and the Oregon question settled, it is time we " "Say, " said I, breaking iu upon him, "are you crazy or just giving me a whirl of some kind ?" He looked nt me blankly for half n minute, nnd then a smile liegin to spread over his face. "I lieg your pardon, old man. I bilieve I am getting n trifle off. Y'ou see, I got one of those 40 year old dictionaries as a premium the other day for subscribing to a newspaper that is no earthly good itself, nud it just keeps my mind working about 40 years behind the times. Let's get off and t:ike something. " West Shore. The Itealalle Mau net. Professor Smy the (plain John Smith to commence with) was once lecturing iu a Texas town on natural philosphy, and in the course of his experiments ho introduced a most powerful magnet, with which he attracted a block of irou from a distano of two feet "Can any of you conceive a greater attractive power?" deman led the lec turer, with nn air of triumph. "Reckon I can, " answered a voice from the audience. "Notaiuilur.il, terrestial ohjct?' "Yes, indeedy. " Tho lectin or, somewhat nettled, chal lenged the man ho had spokim to name the article. Then up rose old Laertes Q ilnley. Said be: "lean give you the facts, p.ofissor, nnd you can judge for yourself. When I war a young innn there war a little piece o' natural magnet, done up in kal iker nnd dimity, ns war called Betsy Muriah. She could draw me 14 miles every Sunday, over ploughed land, just as natural as slidin' dowu a greased plank. Thore wasn't no resist iu' her. That ere magnet o' yourn is pretty good, but it isn't a circumstance to Betsy Ma rian. "Texas Siftings. Two (inimn In Conjunction. Richard Wagner generally received his visitors iu mediiuvul costume, sucli ns he wore w hen composing, Alexander Ihimns, calling upon him one day, was highly amused nt the masquerade. "Y'ou are all dressed up to play (io-s-ler." ho said with n laugh, which, in spitoof its good nature, rather hurt tho composer's fee-Mug. Nevertholess.ho returned Dumas 's visit when he was next iu Paris. After some delay the novelist nppeared magnifi cently clad iu a dressing gown with a large flower pattern, a helmet with flying plumes, a life bolt nboiitjhis waist, and enormous riding boots. "Pardon me," he said majestically, "for appearing in my working costume. I can do nothing if 1 am not dressed in this manner. Half my ideas live iu this helmet, and the other half are lodged iu my boots. The latter are indispensable to me when I rite my love scenes, " ' A St. Louis lady has mimed her pet cat Mine Pie, because it keeps people uwake, Yonken Statesmau. MTTHS OF TI1K MOA'S HAI.TXUSH, Soma Very Interesting; and Ancient HMIefii. There are hundreds of queer myths nnd traditions given to account for the fact that the sea is salt. Tho Arabs say that when tho first pair sinned they were living in a lenulifiil garden on a tract of land joined to a mainland by a narrow neck or isthmus. When it became known to the Holy Ono that His p.'nplo had sinned II went to the garden for the pnrposo of driving the n out and across the narrow neck of laud into the patch of thorn and bram bles on the other siiK Anticipating what would bo the consequence of their heinous crime, they had prepared to leave their licautifnl garden nnd had actually gone so for as to scud the chil dren nud tho goats across iuto the thicket When the Holy One appeared on the scene the first pair started to run, but the woman looked buck. For this the man cursed her, and for such a crime wns almost immediately turned into a huge block of salt (Compare with Genesis 19:20.) Tlio woman, more for giving than her husband, s looped to pick up the shapeless mass of stilt, when immediately the narrow neck of laud began to crack nud break. As she touched what had once been her com panion she, too, was turned to salt just us the neck of laud sank mid the waters rushed through. From that day to this, the Arabs say, nil the waters of tho i eean have rushed through that narrow channel nt least once a year, cons tintly wearin ; away the stilt of w hut va once our li.st par ents, yet the hulk of the t wo salty ob jects is not diminished in the least 'J he Py thug' leans U lieved that the sea was made sally by the tears of Kro nos, father of Zeus. The Hebrew ex planation is somen hat similar, though n i ore poetic. They believed Hint the sjililie-s was caused by the tears of fallen angels, l.ognn and Sam Ward. "Geiieinl Logan used to tell nn in teresting anecdote about Sam Ward," said mi nbl timer the other evening to n New Haven Uegixter titan. "Ward, "!! know, nlw a n undo it a habit in giving one of ids entertainments to have a specialty. This specially wns always something decidedly unique. It was either u wonderful haunch of venison, n remarkable ront of I eel', an exquisitely carted piece of frozen cream, or some tare old wine. Ward was a splendid story teller, and his manner, as eviyl)dy who knew him known, w as simply charming. "Well, one evening Geinrtd Logan was present at one of Ward's suppers. After the wine was produced Ward ueul to the sideboard and roduc d a queer look ing flask containing a pint of liquid. He placed the glass belore him and called the attention of tho company to i s pe culiar shape and color, lie then recited a most romantic tale. The fl.tsk and whisky were over 200 years old. They were tho roperty of a French king, who presented the flask filled with the royal whisky to a personal friend, who had carefully treasured it and handed it down f om generation to generation un til Mr. Ward in some strangely fortuu ate way bad secured pos-es-doti of it Ward wns at least 10 minutes telling his story, nnd when he concluded evervltody was much impressed. Tho flask was passed around uud diminutive glasses were set 1 e'ore the guests, each of whom took a small nip. As they drank it dowu lips were- smacked apprecia tively, bends were nodded significantly, nnd every one declared it tho finest by far ho had ever drank, "Now, General Iogan wns just a little skeptical as to Ward's story. It was al together too romantic to go dowu with the practical general, uud he mtulo it a point tho very next day to mako some inquiries. The answers to the first in dicated that ho was on the right track, and he wns referred to a neighboring drug store where Ward frequently bought some liquor. He dropped iuto the drug store uud engaged in conversa tion with the clerk, whom he knew, nnd finally asked: 'By tho way, did Sam Ward get any whinky here yesterday?' ' 'Oh, yes,' replied the druggist 'Ward got a pint of tho best w hisky we have. He brought around a queer looking flask, which he had us fill up.' She Had Heard Hltn llefore. A little girl iu oue of the ueigboring towns is the author of a number of bright remarks. One Sunday not long ago she was visiting a friend, and went with her to church. The pastor is ad dicted to very long prayers. Soieral days later the line of conversation at the breakfast "table fell upon funerals. Tho little girl's mother said sho wauted her funeral to be as simple a service as possible, She said she would like a certniu clergymau to make a few re marks, und Uov. Mr. to utter a prayer. Rev. Mr. was the clergyman the young Miss heard the Sunday be fore. She promptly exclaimed: "I am glad you are going to have him make the prayer. " "And why are you glad?" "Because theu we will be sure you were not buried in a trance, " was the unexpected reply, Detroit Free Press, Princeton's Product. Princotou stands second to none of our American colleges in the part her grad uates have played iu the general history of the United States. Her roll of fame is long in proportion to her numbers. She has given her country uiuo of the 15 college graduates w ho sat in the Con stitutional convention, one President, two Vice Presidents, four justices of the Supreme Court one chief justice five attorney generals, and 18 other cabinet officers, 28 Governors of States. 171 Sen ators and Congressmen, 180 judges. 43 college presidents, and 175 professors, 80 of horn have been appointed since Dr. McCosh beoame president It Is a safe assertion, therefore, that in the Middle und Southern States no single educational influence has boon as powei ful as that of Priucetoa Harper's Magazine, (CLOTlMiW 1 CLOTHING W Far Cent M taction. WK ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF Winter and Spring Clothing, ALSO Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re duction of io per cent. Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to $5.00 on every suit you buy. This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING CLOTHING ever offered in Bloomsburg. We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make Suits to Order. WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION in our make of clothing both as to quality and style. Come while this reduction lasts. Bloomsburg, Pa. PIANOS, ORGANS A SKWIN6 MAGHINRS. J. SALTZER'S With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the markets Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. The STECK PIANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck. We ha"'e also the ESTEY aud the STAKR And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Pianos from $250 to $600, and Organs from $75 to $175. In Sewing Machines we We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. Ji. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers