THE SHOWMAN AT HOME. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITING3 OF ARTEMU3 WARD. Artetna Take Fart In the Celebration of the Completion of th Atlantis Ca bleThe Squire's Wlfo Showa Temper. Artcmli Tlnlta a 8plrltna1IMIe Circle. lOnpyrtRhted nml piihllshoA by appcliil nrmnifft tnent with Q. W. Dillingham, New York, pub lisher IIL CELEBRATION AT HAI JilNSVtU.F. IX HONOR OV TUG ATLANTIC CABL1C. AI-D1NSVII.LF.. IXJ1AN NY, Sep. t!lO Olirt, 18&5S. 1 wii9 Rum liiutid home from Cinsinnnty quite sud din by a lottur from the Supervizers of Biildinsvillo, Ravin as how grata things was on the Tnppis in that air town in refferunse to scllebrutin the cotnpleshun of tho Sub-Merxhir.e Tellegraph & nxin mo to bo Preasimt. Lockin up my Kangaroo and wax wnrks i in a sekuro stile I took my departer for Baldin.svillo "my oYn, my native Inn," which 1 prat intwo ut early kandle litin on tho follerin night & just as the si-llor-brashun and illumernashun ware com mccsin. Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. -The Tavern was lit up with tal ler handles all over & a grato bonfire was bnniiti in frunt thareof. A Tnms pirancy was tied onto tho sine post with the follerin wurds "Oiv us Liberty or Deth." Old Totnpkinsis grosery was illnmernated with 5 tin lantnns and the follerin Tranppirancy was in the winder "The Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonetield Plank Road the 2 gruto eventz of tho 19th centerry may intestines strife never mar their grandjuro." Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablazo with kandles and lantnns. A American Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder also these words, via. "The Constitooshun must be Pre sarved." The Skool house was hted up in grate stile and the winders was tilld with mottoes ainung which I notised the follerin "Trooth smashed to erth shall rise agin you can't stop her." "The Boy stood on the Barnin Deck whense awl bat him had Fled." "Prokrastina shun is the theaf of Time." "Be vir toous 8s you will be Happy." "Intein perunse has cawsed a heap of trubble shun the Bole," an the follerin sentiment written by the skool master, who gradu ated at Hudson Kollige: "Baldinsville sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has here tofore previs bin felt between the Super vizers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escut chens. Baldinsville this night rejoises over the glorious event which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one annther by means of a elecktric wire under the roar in billers of the Nasty Deep. Quosque tantrum, a butter, caterldfy, patknt kostrcm!" Squire Smith's house was lited up re gardlis of expense. His little sun Will iam Henry stood upon the roof firinorf crackers. The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and stood on his door step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. Frequently he wood take orf his cocked hat 8s wave it round in a impressive stile. Hi3 oldest darter Miss Isabeller Smith, who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Instertoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the goddis of liberty, & sung "I see them on their windin way." Booteus 1, sed I to myself, yon air a angil & nothin shorter. N. Boneparte Smith, the "Squire's oldest sun, dreat hisself up as Venus tho God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inderpondnnse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in the fostivcrtiea. She sed it was the tarnu lest nonsense she ever seed. Sed she to the 'Squire, "Cum into the house and go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goin round half-ded with tho rumertism & won't gin us a minit'u peace till you get well." Sez tho '.Squire, "Betsy, you little appresiate tho im portance of the event which I this night commemorate." Sez she, "Commemo rate a cat's tail cum into the house this instant, you iesky old critter." "Betsy," sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, "re tire." This made her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with a panfull of Bilin hot water wluch sho throwed all over tho Squire, & Sura, you wood have split your sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler & run into the house. Doctor Ilutchinais oflLsa was likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the Queen iu the act of drinkinsum of "Ilutchinsis invigorator," was stuck into ono of the winders. The BaJdiiihvillo Bugle of Liberty noospaper ofllbs was also illumeruated, & tho fol lerin mottoes stuck out "The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which moves tho world." "Vote Eurly." "Buckle on your Armor." "Now is the time to Subscrito." "Franklin, Morse & Field." "Terms ( 1.50 a year liberal roducshuna to clubs." In short the villige of Baldins ville was tu a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many peplo thar bofour in my boru days. Be not attemp to describe the Bociis of that grate night. Wards wood fale me ef I ahood try to do it I ehall stop here a few periods and enjoy my "Ofttem cum dig the tntos," as oar kool nifwtor observes, in tho buzzum of my famerly, & shall then resume the how bisnis, which I've bin into twenty two(22) years an.l six (6) months. AMONO THE SHHITS. My naburs is mourn harf crazy on tho new-fangled idear about Sporrots. Sper retooul Sircles is hold nitely & 4 or 5 long harod fellers has settled here and gone into the Sperret bizniscxcloosively. A atemt was m ule to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the Sperret biznis but the ntemt faled. 1 of tho lomr bared fellers told her she was a ethereal erector & wood make a sweet mejiuni, whave upon she ntlaet htm with a mop handle and drove him out of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward is n inval crable worn tin the partner of my gnya & tho shairer of my Horrors. In my ab siinse she watchis my interests & things with a Eaglo Eyo & when I return sho welenms mo in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. Inoomi'.r in the Play, to whit, 8 Holes with but a itr,'le tbawt ! ti.lrts nhich bwt as I. My naburs injoocod me to attend a SiK-rretootil Sirclo at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the eivst room chock full includin all tho old tn:iids in the villige & the long harod feller atsaid. When I went in I was salootid with "here cntns the benited man" "hear ctuna the hory-heded unbeleever" "here cutns tho skoffer at trooth," etsettery, etsettery. Sez I, "my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your Sporrots." 1 of the long bared fellers riz np and sed ho would state a few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was movin on to a Oole. Sum men had big ger intollecks than other men had and they wood git to the Gole the stumorest. Sum men wore boosts & wood never git into tho dole at all. Ho sed the Erth was material but man was immaterial, and hens was different from the Erth. Tho Erth. conttnnered the speaker, re solves round on its own axeltreo once in 2 1 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltreo he can't resolve. II.; sed tha ethereal essnnoe of tho koordinate br.mchis of superhuman n.it ur bivtun mettytiiorfnssod us una progrest in har monial coexisttmce & eventooally nut y humanized theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers. This was versif ferualy applauded by the enmpany, and as 1 make it a pint to get along as pleas ant as possible, I sung out, "bully for you, old boy." The enmpany then drew round the table and tho Sirclo kommenst to go it They axed me if there was anybody in tho Sperret land which 1 wood like to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I should like to con varse with him a few periods. "Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" sed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. Sez I, "William, how goes it. Old Sweetness?" "Pretty ruff, old boss," he replide. "Air you in the show bizniz, William?" sed 1. He sed he was. Ha sed be 8t John Bunyan was travelin with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson 8c Co.'s Circus. He sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animila 8c ground the organ while he tended door. Occasionally Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song. Tho Circus was doin midlin welL Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was dolitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of ho8smanship without saddul or bridal. Sez 1, "William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13 dollars you owe me?" He sed no with one of the most tremen jis knox I ever experiunsed. The Sircle sed be had gone. " Air you gone, William?" I axed. "Raytber," he replide, and 1 knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjock furder. I then called fur mv farther. "How's things, daddy?" "Middlin, my son, middlin." "Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?" "Scacely." "Why not. my parient?" "Becawz you bav gone to writin for the noospapers, my sou. Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you to diguerfy that there profeshnn. Litteratoor is low." He also statid that he was doin mid dlin well in the peanut biznis Ss liked it putty well, tho' tho clirait was rather warm. When the Sircle 6topt thay axed me what I tbawt of it Sez I, "My frens, I've bin into the show bi znis now goin on 23 years. Theres a artikil in tho Constitooshun of the United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis beleevo this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt. Just as soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper ho leeves orf workin, lets bis hare grow all over his f use & commensis spungin his livin out of other pople. IIo eats all tho dick shunaries ho can find & gozo round chock full of big words, scariu tho wim min folks & little children & dostroyin tho piece of miud of evry famerlo he en ters. Ho don't do nobody no good & is a cum to society & a pirit on honest peplo's corn beef barrils. Aduiittiu nil you say abowt the doctrin to bo troo, I must say the reglar perfc.sional Sporrit rappers them as makes a biznis on it air aljowt the most ornery set of cusses I ever eukonntered in my life. So sayin I put on my surtoot and wont homo. Respectfully Yures, Artemls Ward. Sometime the Ciuu, Depositor I thought your company waa a building and loan association? President So it is. Depositor But I ask for a loan and don't get it. How's that? President You don't understand our plan. You loan us the money and build cautlos in the air, Bee? Chicago Times. SCIENCE AND INVENTION. The largest baromoter yet mnde has been put in working order in the St, Jarquos Tower, in Paris. It is 41 feet 6 inches high. Indian ink is mnde in some unknown way from burnt camphor. The secret is known only to the Chinese, and they refuse to reveal it. It has been proposed to make the u; per half of war balloons of very thin steel and tho lower portion of ordinary balloon material, the whole so con Btn clod as to hold hydrogen instead of ordinary gas. Blacking the nose and cheeks under the eyes has been found an eilectual preventive of snow blindness, or tho injurious effect of the glare from illumi nated snow upon eyes unaccustomed to iU- ISoieiitifle American. A certain amount of air admitted lo tho furnace above the live coal is ad vantageous rather than otherwise, if tho supply he regulated. Tho oxygen of tho Rir, thus introduced, nssists in the more effective combustion of tho gasos. M. Fare, member of tho French Academy of Science, thinks that it it feasible to predict storing twelve hours iu advance of their coming by the sounds vhich the changing atmospheric con ditions produce and which tho lolophono will transmit. ,j druggist in St. Petersburg has in vented n method of tipping cigars with n preparation, so that they are lighted, like a match, by rubbing against any hard surface. A manufacturing com pany is said to havo paid him 01,000 roubles for the patent An iiluminatod cat is among the curi osities of tho Patent Oflice at Washing ton, D. C It is made of pn-stohoar I or tin painted over with phosphorus and it is intended to frighten awny "rats and mice lind such small deer, "in the darkness of collars and garrets. Among tlio new inventions seen nt tho Mechanics' Fair at Boston is a method of making ice by simply dropping n few crystals in water the secret of whose composition is only known to tho inventor. Not only is tho ioe made in a remarkably short spaco of time, but ice cream is also manufactured and eaten by those who stand and w ait. There is a proposition to construct an atmospheric railway 31 miles long up the Jungfrau. According to the plans there will be two parallel tunnels nearly 10 feet in diametor. finished cylindrical, and provided with rails for the cars; the cars will bo cylindrical, and will be forced up tho inclit e by compressed air operating against toeir eiuK Ameri can Machinist A peculiur phase of the use of power ful projectors iu naval warfare has been brought out in aomo tests made by tho French naval authorities. It appears that iu misty weather tho reflection ami glare of the light from the projectc rs served only ti blind the ship, and the torpedo boats were able to approach within easy distanc.) and discharge their torpedoes without being discovered. The ordnance bureau is correct iu its determination not to decido upon a smokeless powder until European ex periments have decided which is the best for our purposes. Tho delicacy of the chemical combinations which these powders necessitate is so great that de terioration rapidly ensues when they are stored in l.ulk, and the experience of the French in this regard is quite sufficient to cnutiou us. Philadelphia manufacturers have a process for r a'iug all kinds of metallio substances with lead, thereby making them riist proof. They exhibit a num ber of articles routed with lead that have been exposed to the weather and immersed in acids, that do not show any change, either from the action of the weather or the acids. Some shingle nails, so treated, placed side by side with galvanized nails and exposed for a long time, show no appreciable change, while the galvanized nails show signs of rust It seems probable that the great, at leabt the immediate, future of astronomy lies iu the judicious use of spectroscopy and photog n;hy, rather than iu the in crease of optical power by the con struction of large telescopes. Give a small telescope with a plate attached to it time enough and it will see as much as a big one will show to the mast sensitive eye. As dry plates will rotaiu their sensitiveness, exposure can be con tinued as long as desired, and such a plate will show stars that tire not visible through the most powerful telescope to the naked ova WOMAN'S NOI1K ANI WOULD. Women are exclusively employed in the hand weaviug of Turkey carpets. There is a milliner hi Brooklyn whose sign announces that bho is a "bonnet architect " Tho employment of women on night work in the government arms factories in G rinnny has been forbidden. A traveler has discovered that bru nettes are not the rule iu Spain. Many Spanish womon are fair, with blue eyes. A contemporary assorts, with how much accuracy is not positively known, that there aro 18,000 newspaper women in London. At the funeral of an aged lady at Woolwich, England, her seven sons, all clergymen of the Church of England, were present Chief Justice Fuller bus cominu sioned Mrs, Ida J. Bergen to decorate the music room in his new mansion. She is tho first American womau to at tempt mural decoration. In Chicago tho Woman's Christian Tomperance Union lias a foundlings' homo that owrs 125,000 worth of prop erty, day nurseries, mid kindergatona that have carod for 15,0 9 children dur ing the past year, an Anchorage Mission for homeless women that sheltered 4,000 girls lust year, a Bethosda Inn, a olieap lodging house for men that accommo dated 52,5-10 men last year, free medi cal dispensaries, etc. In tho London Spectator it U stated that Mr. E. T. Chapin by hypnotizing a laying hen induced her to sit on a num ber of eggs until chickens were hatched. nni Tin- is thus. , II ktssrd me, nb, how often I in tlis linppy dnya of roro. He'd kins until I'd quite refuse to let Mm kls me more. And looking buck through weary yrnrs tleiv blissful moments upcm Like some Kind, golden chapter from a fairy's flossy dream, AlnsI The sweetest joys are ever sboi to-t In their stay. And all tinklascd remain the lips homed to preKS. To-day I do not feel his soft mustncho upon my rboek and brow. When did he die? Ho Isn't dead, but he's my luiMbitnd nuw. rCblengo Evening Post. ItlMtiarck ns a I.over. Piince Bismarck began his wooing in a rather utern manner. As be idwnyr. favored energetic measures, ho wro!e direct to ti e young lady's pn rents, whii whom he was not acquainted, and d liuinded their daughter in in in ia y. They were very simple folk, lending n very quiet life, and thoy were rut', or frightened at the reputalioli for hitrh living which the candidate enjoyed Their daughter, however, intimate I i:i dr erect terms that she did not look upon the young gentleman with mi no favorable eye, as thero was no doiiM the young man's parents had a goo 1 lepuiation. t' us quent'y the young lady's parents invi'.el Bismaick to come and so tin m. lv.'oryo:ie did their bo.-t to give the isiior a suitable reception. Fra.i lein von Pnttliiimmer's parents put on mi air of grave solemnity, and the young lady stood with her eyes inodesily bent, upon the ground, w hen Bismarck, on alighting, threw his iirms around his sweetheart's neck ami em braced her vigorously In-fore anyone bail lime to (ell him that bis conduct was hardly proper and correct Th resli't was, however, nil inunedi:ito b trotlial. Prince Bismarck is veiy fond of tolling this tale, and he is careful al ways to finish the story with th s re flection: "And you have no id 'a what thU li lie lady h is mnde of me. " "lv.ib.ard W.iit Hum, ibun. Tlnil lie incident told of in the M lowing parngi npli actually happoiio 1 o i one i f the lakes the other day is vouch for b- tho veracitei, '' VVts.s, o I) -troll: tin a cerbiin small bat tho er.-.v co i aisled of the captnin, Barnabas, lm was fir t mate, mi 1 J dm, the end; John w us a si ulterer, but he could sliu pretty well. One day the caplain was below taking a nap, while Barnabas and Jo!m were running t!ie boat. A su 1 h n squall Iu p pened lo come up, and a puff of wind llo i;;hl th" boi in around with such un expected violence as to knock the unwary Barnabas overbi.irl. There uiMui John vushe I into the cabin in tho wildest excitement to inform the cap lain of what had occurred, but. us usual, he was unable to get out a cohe rent sentence. "B-b b b" ho stuttered, until tho capta'n. in a rage, shouted: "Tlmuderalioii! niau, sing it if you can't say it," and John, catching at the happy suggestion, s;ing: OverlxMinl Is llarnslwis. Half h mile uturn ol us. The boat was immediately put about and the lueUle.-s B iruabns recovered. U ho lluyn Diamonds. During a trial in which it was neces sary to call in somo expert testimony us to the value and quality of diamonds, a certain pawnbroker took the stand. "Well, sir," asked the attorney, "do you sell diamonds?" "Yes, when I can," was the reply. "Is trade very good now?" "Not lunch. " "Who buys the most diamonds?" "The biggest fools, sir, who have llu money. " Tho testimony was considered de cidedly expert. Texas Siftiugs, IVcullar Collaterals. Sam J'dnihing Say, niggali, can't you lend mo two dollahs for a few days? Uncle Mose I mout do it, but what b'curity am yer gw inter gimme dat yer don't t-kcduddle joss as soon as yer has g it do money? Sam Johnsing What s'curityl I'lo gib you as b'curity iny sacred word of honor as a geuiierman and a pa'r of led der britches almos' us good as new. Texas Siftiugs. . A Strang Coincidence. Mrs. Wood B. McAllister Dear, isn't it lovely? I see here by a little article that the Vanderbilt children aro sent to bed regularly every eveniug before 8 o'clock, and aro inade to riso before 7. Isn't it cute? Mrs. 1 lubber Dasher Yes so like my own little darlings! Light A Question In Mallieinatlca. Tho other day in a well known priv ato school in this city tho teacher of mathematics asked one of tho pupils: "What is the square root of 400?" and before bo had time to answer tha ques tion a boy sitting next to him whispered iu a loud aside, "Ward McAllister." New York Tribune. Ilooxi-ly'a au Alderuauu. Brown Smith That's a big diamond Boozoly i-porta. Robinson Jones Yes; it's one of thoso phosphorescent diamonds which absorb light. B. K. Ah, I suppose it 1ms absorbed tho light of bis intellect Jewelers' C'irculur. My Typewriter. Whene'er 1 koo her pretty face. Low o'er tho key-board hemline, And watch her winning, girlish gruco To tills uld oltlc-o lending A brighter uleuia of sun and llht, I can't think, 1 declare. That shu's the Klrl with whom I fight About my w ork and swear. And as I watch hor flnrs pink Fast Hying oVr the keys, Half tenderly I nit uixt think Of what my fancy net'. And at the end of every day, .When she, with whom I've buttle. I, llus gone, to lur lu.ii hliii) 1 b;ivs " No wonder j uu get iiltledl" -IPuck. CLOTHING! CLOTHING 10 Per Cant MetilmcMon. WE ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OV Winter and Spring Clothing, ALSO Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re duction of io per cent. Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to $5.00 on every suit you buy. This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING CLOTHING ever offered in Bloomsburg. We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make Suits to Order. WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION in our make of clothing both as to quality and style. Come while this reduction lasts. EVAMiS & EYER Bloomsburg, Pa. 1AN0S, ORGANS if J. SALTZER'S musical imwm i sn maceise wimus. V ith many years experience 111 buying and selling musical instruments ami sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the markets Pianos ami Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved. Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. 1 The STECK PIANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed 1 . .... ! . n . . uy uuiic. urn ujukb iiu We ha 'e also the- ESTEY and the STARR PIANOS, And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Pianos from $250 to $600, and Organs from $75 to $175. In Sewing Machines we We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. J. S<zer, Bloomsburg, Pa. CL B. MOBMNS. DEALER IN Foreign and Domestic WINES AND LIQUORS. Bloomsburg, Pa. C0RSER Hi MH AND IRON STREETS. SEWING IU mistake it you buy a.Steck. can give you the Celebrated UK J " WHITE" The best Machine in the world. The NEW DOMESTIC, The ROYAL ST. JOHN, The STANDARD ROTARY And the NEW HOME.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers