VISITING THE SHAKERS. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. The rrettjr OlrU Who "YnyM" at the OfTer of a Klu, am the llrothor Who Donoiinrcil the llumorlnt n a Mini ol Sin Imollnltnl Advice Given. tCovri(thtl ntiii piitillslicil by iwinl nrmn? mt'iit Willi U. V. liilllngliain, Ncv York, pul li-Jier.l II. THE SHAKERS. ' IIE Shakers is tho strange rnlijnous box I ever met. I'd honrn tell of 'em and I'd een 'eui, with tlieir broad brini'd lints and long wnstid into immejit contack with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackiu intelleck, as I'd never seen 'em to my Show leastways, if they cum they was disgised in whits peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. But in tho Spring of 18, I jrot swampt in the exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy niht, when tho winds Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with tho Shakers. I was toilin throw the mud, when in the dim vister of tho futnr I obsarved the gleams of a taller candlo. Tiein a hornet's nest to my off boss's tail to kinder encourago him, I soon reached the place. I knockt at tho door, which it was oiened unto mo by a tall, slick faced, Boluin lookin iudividooal, who turn'd out to be a Elder. "Mr. Shaker," sod I, "you see before yon a Babe in the woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." "Yay," sed tho Shaker, and ho led the way into the house, another Shuker bein sent to put my bosses and wagjjin under kiver. A solum female, lookin suinwhat like last year's beanpole stuck into a long meal bag, cum in and ased me was I athurst and did I hunger? to which I urbanely anserd "a few." She went orf and I endevered to open a conversasbun with the old man. "Elder, I spectr sed L "Yay," he said. "Helth'8 ?ood, I reckon?" "Yay." "What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans Ida bizness or do you de vote your sarvices gratooitus?" ' "Yay." "Stormy night, sir." "Yay." "If I maybe bo bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind of wesket you wear, incloodin trimmins?" "Yay!" I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoul der, bust into a harty larf , and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekaL He jumped up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: "You're a man of sin!" lie then walkt out. Just then the female in the meal bag stuck her hed into the room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary traveler, and I followed her into the next room. I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag poured out sum tea. She sod nothin, and for five minutes the only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a Bubdood and bashful manner in the corner. Thin dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I ; determined to talk to the female or bust, i So sez I, "Marriage is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm?" "Yay." "The sexes liv strickly apart, I spectr "Yay." "It's kinder singlor," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest look and speakin in a winnin voice, "that so fair a made as thou never got bitched to some likely feller." "I don't like men!" s'ie sed, very short. "Wall, I dunno," B3zs I, "they're a . rayther important part of the popula shun." "Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there was no meul" "Youll excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would work." "I'm afraid of men!" she sod. "That's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger. Don't fret yourself on that pint." "Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. No wicked matri mony here. Would thou like to be a Shaker?" "No," sez I, "it ain't my stile." I had now hiatod in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry comfortable, and, leanin buck in my cheer, commenst pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin mo all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hed in at the door. "You're a man of sin!" he sed, and groaned and went away. Directly thar cum in two young Shak cresses, as putty and Blick lookin gala as -1 ever met They comenst clearin away the dishes, enstin shy glances at me all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jaue in my rapter, and sez I, "my pretty dears, how air you?" "We air well," they solumly sod. "Whar's the old man?" sed I, in a soft voice. "Of whom dost thow speak Brother Uriah?" . , "I mean the gay and festiv cuss who t-fllls mo ajnan of sin. Shouldn't won der if his unmo was Uriah?" "He has retired." "Wall my pretty dears." sez I, "lot's have sum fun. Let's play puss in tho corner. Whut say?" "Air you a Shaker, sir?" they axed. "Wall my pretty dears, I haven't ar rayed my proud form in a long weskit yit, but if they was all li're you perhaps I'd jino 'cm. As it is, I'm a Shaker pro temporary." They was full of fan. 1 sped that at fuit, only they was a lectio skerry. I tawt 'em Puss in tho corner mid sich like plase, and wo had a nice time, keeping quiet of course so tho old man shouldn't hear. When wo broke up, sez I, "my pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objec tions, hav you, to an innersent kiss at part in?" "Yay," the)- sed, and I yiy'd. I went tip f fairs to bed. 1 pposo I'd been snoozin half nu hour when I was woke tip by a noiso at tho door. I sot tip in bed, leanin on my elW-rs and rnl bin my eyes, and I saw tho follerin picter: Tho Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candlo in his hand. Ho hadn't no wearin nppeerel on except bis night close, which fluttered in tho breeze. Ho sod, "You're a man of sin!" then groaned and went away. I went to sleep ngiu, and drempt of runniu orf with tho pretty little Shaker cenes mounted on my Californy Bar. I was woko up arly by tho Elder. Ho Bed refreshments was reddy for mo down stairs. Then s iyin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. As I was goin threw tho entry to tho room w'aero tho witles was, I enm across tho Elder and tho old fcinalo I'd mot tho night before, and what d'ye sposo they was up to? Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their gnHhiugist state. Sez I, "My Shaker trend., I reckon you'd better suspend tho rules and git mar ried." "Yon must excoos Brother Uriah," sed tho female; "he's subjeck to fits and hain't got no command over liiasolf when he's into 'em." Sartinly," sez I, Tvo bin took that way myself frequent." "You're a man of sin!" said tho Elder. ArJer breakfast my littlo Shaker freuds cum in ngin to clear away tho dishes. "My pretty dears," sez I, "shall wo yay agin?" "Nay," they sed, and I vay'd. Tho Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav 6arvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chidk and smooth as ghws. Tho Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on tho floor liko milingtery com panies, the mails on one side of tho room and tho females on tother. They com menst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, conniderin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuiflo near where 1 sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sod: "Hunky boy! Go it, my gay and festiv cuss!" "Yonr'e a man of sin!" he sod, contin nerin his shuffle. Tho Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to say a few remarks. Ho sed they was Shakers and all was ekal. They was tho purest and Seleckest peplo on the yearth. Other peplo was sinful as they could bo, but Shakers was all right Shakers was all goin kerslap to tho Promist Land, and nobody want going to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd git run over. The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, one of 'em axed me what I thwat of it Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy?" "What?" sez he. "Why this jumpin' np and singin? This long weskit bizniss, and this auty matrimony idoe? My frends, you air neat and tidy. Your lands is flowing with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest When a man buys a keg of apple sass of yon he don't find a grate many shavins under a few layers of sass a little Game I'm sorry to say sum of my New Euglan an cestors used to practiss. Yonr garding seed is fine, and if 1 should sow 'em on tho rock of Gibraltar probJy I should raise a good mess of garding sass. Yon air honest in your dualius! You air quiet and don't disturb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But your religion is small pertatcrs, I must say. You mope away your lives here in single rotchidness, and as you air all by your selves nothin ever couflicks with your pewolcr idees, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as I under stan she sumtimes do. I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old fel low squirm liko a speared Eel. J "You wear long weskita and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indued. No children's prattle is ever beam around your hurthstuns you air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sun shine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of culiker as 1 ever sot eyes on, air syin to place thoir beds agin weskits which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old beds fool yer selves with the idee that they air ful fillin their mishun here, and air content ed. Here you air all pend up by yer selves, tulkin about the wins of a world you don't know nothin of. Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Consti tution of the United States, and is a very pleasant place of residence. It's a ttunatrrol, onreasouable and dismal life yonr'e leadin here. So it strikes me. My Shaker trends, I now bid yon a wel come adoo. You have treated me ex ceediu welL Thank you kindly, one and all." "A base exhibit of depraved monkeys and onprincipled wax works!" sued , Uriali. "Hello, Uriah " sez I, "I'd most forgot you. Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and dont catch cold and die in the flour of your youth and beauty," And I reeooinoa my jerney. TIIK CUMING Mil. MOV Jim Orokr lived far In the wk1, a (inll'nry Illl(M . Where tho ImkIipk (frew, liko whisker, on lili iinrniinreil face; Ami the hlaek lx-nr wim his brother, and 'lio rntnmmint hi chtim. And .'tin ho lived and waited fur the million yet to conio. Jim Oroker made a clearing and hp sowed It down to wheat. And he fl led lila lawn Willi cabbage and he 1'lnnted It with heet: And II bliwHoined with iiotatocn.and Willi pencil and pear nnd uitnn. And .Hin lie lived and waited for the millions yet to come, Then Jim ho took his ancient nxo and tlcnrcj a lortmt olreet, While he lived on hear and Miccotiwli and young oimnuin meat, And hin rhythmic nxe trokentindedand tho woods no mote were ditmli. While he flenred a crooked highway for tho millions yet to come. Then t hey ramo liko nlnile s Rtragulrr. tliey came from far and nour, A 1 11 e Ion house settlement grew round tho loneert And the sound of snw and Iroadnxo made a lilut indusirial I mm, Jim mill. "The lomliiir Millions, they havo Just Im'kuii to come." And a little crooked railway wound ronnd mountain, hill, and hike, CrawlhiK toward tho forest village liko an tin- ilulutliiK snake; And o e morn the locomotive uiTcd Into tho wlldernes, And J-.m said "The Coming Millions, theyaro cumin by eres.t." And the village drew and prospered, hut Jim t'roker'a hair was itrayer; When they m a city chnrtur, and old Jim was chosen Mayor: But Jim decline 1 the honor, and moved his household kooiIs Fur away into the forerst, to the old primeval woods. Far and far into the forest moved the grizzled pioneer. There he reared his hut and murmured, "I will build a city here," And lie hears tlio wood fox harking, and ho hears the partridue drum. And the old man sits and listens for tho mil lions yet to come. IS. W. Fo'S. In Ynnkeo Made. TIIK I'UNNY MAS. Some Are Horn, No inn Are Mado, and Some Ought to Dlo. However, those ho have aeon much of the inside life of comic jourtinU nnd other journals with comic deport. uonU know tlint this kind of work, like pivtty inuc'ii every other kind, may ho m.vlo almost completely moclianicul. There h a regulation w ay to inako a j iko that is to say, a regulation joko. Of coui so, genuine humor and po.-itive wit trans cend nil rules, and the great joKtor is U rn, not made. Hut for nil thai, there have been pro fess ion ul funny men who lindn't a grain of wit in tlieir composi tion. For instance, it is well known tli.it tho proprietor of a certain groat New York daily newspaper hasa hnUt of mix in his editors nil up periodically, to prevent tlieiu from sliding into ruts, and to give each department the benefit of fresh ideas (and fresh ignorance) from time to time he changes his men all about, transferring the sporting editor to the financial department, setting the live slock reporter at work w riting po litical editorials, and so on. Now it chanced that in one of the mix ups the funny column fell to tho lot of a reporter w ho did not know a joko from a logarithm who had no niorj seusj of humor than a haystack, lie was ac customed to obey, however, and ho went to work making jokes. His first attempts were something wonderful to rend. People with pale faces ntop'd one another on i lie street, pointed out with trembling fingors these jukes, and asked if they really read as they had read them; aud when they were answered that they did, they driw deep breaths of relief and passed on. Friends of the proprietor of the paper begged him to make a change, and declared to him that there were some things that the paper could not stand. Dut lie ad hered to his program and kopt tho man at work, and in the courso of time the new funny man mado jokes that were copied iu other papers for j kos, nnd became an admired member of tho National Paragraphers' Association. Bow Time Has Changed Hr. One day last week a customer in one of the large Brooklyn dry goods stores stood waiting for her turn to be servod and idly watching the woman who wus claiming the attention of the clerk at the moment There was nothing about her to attract a second glance. She looked to be close upon 60 years of age, her hair was very gray, though not w hite, and a pair of rather dark eyes looked out from a colorless unimpressive face. In figure she was short and small, and the black costume she wore was simple to plainness. Yet when sho gave her name and address for a parcel to bit sent it was lealizud that this littlo woman of insignificant appearance was one whose name 18 years ago was in everybody's mouth from one end of the country to the other, and whose person ality at that time was almost as well known as her name. She was Mi's, Theodore Tilton. New York Times. Facts About the Queen of Shrba. It's rather lnte tolctirn the truth about the Queen of Sheba. Nevertheless, tho Academy of Inscriptions is greatly exor cised about this subject One of its members thinks that he has discovered that Sheba was in Arabia, and that tho queen was the mother of Aben Solomon, who founded a kingdom In Ethiopia, She went to Jerusalem on conquest bent, and would have liked to stay there. But the wise Hebrew thought she would be hard to manage, and a more useful ally in her own country. He therefore sent her back laden with presents and fired with ambitious projects. We may expect one of these days to see her per sonated by Sara Bernhardt in au Old Testament drama by Sardou. London Truth. Convinced. O'Hooligan He tould me to move on, "Oi'd hov yea to know oi'm a gintle mon, " sez oi. "Prove it," sez he, "Ol will, " sez ol. An' wid thot I showed him a wad uv unpaid bills ol had in me pocket Smithors And what did ha say ? O'Hooligan The shpalpane apoly. gieed. Y.i "r s-Hxsr -An Infnlliblorppmtor q,kauarnf ti10 lh, man System. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers