J OF THE SHOW BIZNISS. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS OF ARTEMUS WARD. The Great Moral Kalilliitlon on ths Road. Tlie M il Kl;f(rrs ami the Collection of Animal An Hasny on Forts Assault on Jnlus Iscarlnt. ICopyrlirhtcM and piiMlshoil bjr spnrlal arranRiv incut with U. W. Dllllngliiuii, New York, pub lixlicr.1 1. ONE OP WARD'S BUSINKS8 tXTTEIW. To tho Eilitor of tho : ' ' U . hit tt I movin' nlonfl ruluni; down four pl.-iee. 1 j'ou should rite i-tter, BJiyin' tho hhow biz- niss in your pluoe. My show nt present consists of three moral ISares, n Kang aroo (a auioozin littlo ll;ink;il t'would make you larf yerst'lf to deth to soe the little ciuss jump np unrt squeal) wax fis; Ber of U. WiiHliington Gen. Taylor John Bituynn Capt. Kidd and Dr. Web ster in the act of killin Dr. Purckinati, behides several tniseellanyua moral was etatoots of eelebrated piruta & murder ers, &e., ekalled by a few & cxwld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf n few lines sayin bow is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall hav my handbilla dun at your ofliss. Depend upon it. I want yon should git my handbills up in fiumin stile. Also git up a trenietijtia excitement in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaloled Show. We must fetch the public sunihow. We mutt wurk on their feelins. Unm the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temper ance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen mi nits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your peple take their tods say Mister Ward is as Jenial a fel ler as we ever met, full of conwiriality. & the life and soul of the Soshul Bured. Take, don't you? If you say anyihin abowt my show say my snoix is as harrnliss as the new born Dale. What a interestin study it is to see a xewologi cal animil like a snaik under perfeck Bubjeckshun! My. kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents, I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I repeot in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'era struck orf np to your printin office. My perlitwcal sentiments agree with yourn ex&ckly. 1 know they do, becawz I never saw a man whoos didn't Respectively yures, A. Ward. P. S. You scratch my back & Ee scratch your back. ON "FOKTS." Every man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort to do one thing, and some other men's fort to do another, whilo there is numeris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to do notion. Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as a Washing ton correspondent of a New York daily paper. He lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun. That's so! Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent Whare bowts can George's ekal be found? I ask, & boldly anser no whares, or eny whare else. Old man TownBin's Fort was to maik SassyperiHer. "Goy to the world! an other life saived!" (Cotashnn from Townsin's advertisemunt) Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf under the boundin billet of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust. Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared G!oo, which mends everything. Won der ef it will mend a sinner "s wit-kid waze. (Impremtoo goak.) Zonry'g Fort is to be a fouaile circus feller. .My Fort is the great moral show Me lius & ritin choice fainerly literatoor for tlw noospapers. That's what's the mat ter with me. ivc, &c, &c. So I mite go on to a in defitit extent. T wiet I've endevered to do thi n vrh ir h thay wasn't my Fort. The fust time v km when I undertnk to lick aowdaahus mi. who cut a hole in my tent & krawld ti;r-w. SezI, "my jentle Bir go out or I sli.ill fall onto you putty hevy." Sea j be. "Wade in, Old wax Aggers," whare upMii I went for him, but he cawt me powerful on the bed & knockt mo threw tin' tent into a cow postur. He puraood tn..' attack & flung me into a mud pad dle. Az I aroze & rung out my dreucht ..r:ueiits I koncluded fitiu w.-icu't my r ') i. ne now rize the kurii.i ii,;on Seen 2ml : It is rarely selduin that 1 seek con s(.l;uion in the Flowin Bole. Unt in a ben iii town in Injianny in me Paul of lb , my orgin grinder got sic with tlm fever & died. I never felt bo aaluuned in my life, & thowt I'd liU in' a few nv;illow8 of suthinstivngt:.!.. KtmmrmenU was I histid i;. much I ilident zackly know wimiv .wta 1 was. I turnd my livia wild u , sts of Pi ay loose into the streets and nit all ruy wax wurku. I then Bet 1 c. 11 play hoa So I hitched myself ti it U urnwl boU, there bein two other hon;ea hitcht on also, one behind and aumher ahead of me. The driver hollerd for us to git up, aud we did. But tho bosses bein on TTTTfm i i i i in 1 i i j -t ' i;i !V IR I'm U erXf Jwant: used to ich aarrangemnntbeffun to kick & squeal and rair up. Kouaeqnonts was I was kickt vilently in the stuinmnck & back, and prwuntly I fownd myself in the Kanawl with the other hosHesi, kickin & yellin like a tribe of Cusscaroorns sav Vijis. I was rescooil, Sc as I wm bein carrid to the tavern on a hen lock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, "Boys, playin boss isn't my Fort." Moni'U Never don't donothin which isn't your Fort, for ef yon do you'll find yonsolf splnsliin round in tho Kanawl, figgeratively spenkin. IlIOII-llANDnD OL'TKAOB AT CTtCA. In the Faul of 1S.V1, 1 showed my show in Utiky, a trooly grate Bitty in tho State of New York. The people, gave mo a rordynl recep sliun. Tho press wis loud in her prases. 1 day as I was givin a desenpshun of my Biests and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to tho rag' rontainin my wax figcra of tho Lord's Last Supper, and co.vso Judas IscaiTot by the fi-et and drag him out on tho ground. Ho then commenced fur to pound him as bard as ho rood. "What under tho son uro you abowt?" cried I, Sez he. "What did yon bring this pus-sylanenriUH enss hero fur?" & ho bit tho wax ligger another treiuenjis blow on tho bed. Sez 1, "You egrejus ops, that air' a wax flgger u represeiitaahnn of tho false 'Postle." Sez he, "That's all very well fur you to say, but 1 tell you, old man, that Judas Isoarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impuneriy by a darn site!" with which observaMhun ho kaved in Judas.sis hed. Tho young man belonged to 1 of the first fanierlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in n verdick of Arson in tho od degree. A FRAUMKNT. In one of tho showinan's letters ho do scribes a visit to his home. His call upon the editor of tho local paper is al luded to as follows: After breakfast I went over to town to si-c my old friends. Tho editor of tho Bugle greeted me cordyully, ami showed ; me the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the other side of the street: I "Wo have recently put np in our ofllco an entirely now sink, of unique construe-1 tion witli two holes through which the soiled water may pans to the new bucket . underneath. What will tho hell hounds of Tho Advertiser say to this? Wo shall continue to make improvements us fast : as our rapidly increasing business may j warrant Wonder whether a certain j euiuirs wne uuiiks EDO can palm oil a brass watch chain on this community for a gold one?" "That," says the Editor, "hits him whar he lives. That will close him np as bod as it did when I wroU an article ridicooling his skter, who's got a cock eye." TUB NODIJi KED MAN. The rod man of the forest was fonn'ly a very respectful person. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin' that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss. At the timo Cuius, arrove on these shores (1 allood to Cnma. Columbus), the savajis was virtoons and happy. They were innocent of secession, rum, draw poker and sinfulness gin'rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. They hail no congress, faro banks, delirium tremens or Associated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Lato suppers, dyxpepsy, gas com panies, thiovts, ward politicians, pretty waiter girls, and other metropolitan re finements were unknown among them. No savage in good standing would take postage stomps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with a barrel of 'em. The female Aboorygine never died of consumption, because she didn't tie her waist up in whalebone things; but in loose and flowin' garments she bounded, with naked foet, over hills and piuus, like the wild and fruky antelope. It was a onlncky moment for us when Cunts, sot bis foot onto those 'ere shores. It would have been better for us of the present day if the injins bad given him a warm meal and sent him home or the ragin' billers. For the savages owned the cooiktry, and Colcmbcb was a filli bustar. Cortez, Pizakro and Walker were one horse fillibustors Columbus was a four horse team fillibustor, and a largo yellw dog umlor tlie waggia. I say, in view of the moss we are raakiu' of things, it wonl l bave been better for us if Collmbub bail staid to homo. It would have been better for the show bis nLss. The circulation of Vaatty Fair would be larger, and tho proprietors would all have boozmn pins! Yes, air, and perhaps a tenpin alley. By which I don't wish to be under stood as intimatin' that tho scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bianias at the present day are of any account, or calculated to make home happy, special ly the Sioxes of Mimibaotv. who fliwrtrvA to be murderod in the first degree, and I ir fOJ'E will only 6tay in St. Paul and not go near 'em himte, I reckon thoy will bo. olokzo ward. I have seen a low aud ekurrilus noat In the paper from a certin purson who tidies LiBsolf Olouzo Ward, & sez he is my berruthor. I did once hav a bexruth er of that name, but I do not recugniso him now. To mo lie is wuus thou dod! I took him from colli ire amn 1ft vnima mr and gave him a good situation as the! wy i , , ueuruou woman in my Show. How did he repay me for this kindness? He basely undertook (one day while in a Bockynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the aujiunce in the tent) to stand upon bis hed, whareby bo betray'd bis sex on account of bis booto & Ids Berd fttllin' off bis face, thus rooinin' my prospochs in that town & likewise incur rin' the Beris displeasure of the Press, which sed boldly 1 was triflin' with the foclin'sof a intelligent public, I know vo vtch man as Olouzo Ward. I do not ever wiah his name breathed in my pres ents. I do not recognize him. I per fectly disgust him. 1HK CiHKAT ri(OMt.l;,M. Tun litinmn llfo but a iihto h ihlilp lm, 'imt up I .y rliimce from the eternal f'i. To Tom nn Inntiiiit on tlie troulili'i) wnvn, Then In olillvl'iii mink Into ItsKrnvti? 'Iiy from the eonflou temple of the heart I.Ike nnccln (to our nniilriitlnim ulnrt, nd o'er the honndlcKn Kklen n nwifilr 'A10 wny from earthlr Rrenen itiisnllsned.' Why iloes the cohlen nun, with Until ilivino. Why the pale moon Upon lis noflly uhlne. Why trlinmliiK Mars nroiinil tlie heavontr throno I'nto our eigtit mnke their bright proseiieo known? Why floes the rnlnhnw'n vnrlenate'l form Kntrntiee oar vision at the centime nlorin? Why ilo the lovuly i lnuih their cliniins tils piny. To leave tin nuKlng a they roll nwny.' nd why presented to ndmlrlnu vIimv Are heniitentm forms of life of every line. Which quickly vnnlsh, leavlnir nntmlit lielilnd Pave pleanlnx Imnites to eheer iimnklncl 1 This Is the why. The human race was born Fome hrluliter, nobler reRlnn to ndni n To meet nirnln on the eternal nlioro Vhire man Ulis not, where beaut fades no more. -(Doctor Crowe. A MAN WITH A JiKW KKIN. How He Suddenly Lost the Old and Slowly Crew the New. Tlie p'ess dispatches recently cave tho pnrlieuliirs of a serious accident to Wesley Kellar. of Indirin.ipolH, Ind. Hollar l'ci'iune known as "tlio man who was skinned alive," and lio is now wpII, witli n whole t-kin, and is going about bis work ns usual. His enso is curious. As nn illustration of l he nieo powers of modern surgery it will bo talked about from ono end of tho country to the other. Kellnr fell into a steam vat nt tho Indianapolis Veneer Works, Ho wa taken out as quickly as possible, but ho Imd lieen scalded from tlio soles of his feet to the middle of bis chest Ono nrm was till lL-ht. but the other was blistered to the xlioulder. Hugo Misters puffed tip all over the man's body, and the fluid w hich had exuded from tlio flosh to fill them bad been rooked to a jelly. In retroving bis clothes great strips of tho outside or scurf skin camo off, leaving exposed tlio true skin under neath, cooked until it looked like a par 1 oibd lolwler. His toes and ankles were so blistered ntid swullon as to lose nearly nil resemblance to human members. An soon as his fellow workmen got Kellar out of tho vat they telephoned fvr tho company's surgeon, Dr. Itilph Perry. "There is, pnrhnp one chance in a thousand of saving tlU man," said tho surgeon when he looked nt tho burns. He set to work, however, and greHsed Kellar from t p to toe with a mixture of linseed oil -md lime water. Then be swathed the lio ly in rolton wadding, from which nil possible im purities and disease germs bad been re moved by chemicals. For two days and nights tho case htinsc without loss or gain. A teasnoonful of brnndy was given every few hours. Then a change en mo. Kellnr seemed to lie choking. The throat became swollen, but this swelling was checked. The man's temperature rose a little. Fever set in. This gsve great hope. The next morning Kellar asked for something to eat, and' actually ate a piece of pin and drank some coffee. Tlio newa of this shocked the surgeon nt first; buthosaid: "I guess we'll win this fight, for a man who can eat pie with no skin on him bus life enough left to grow a new one. " When suppuration began great caro was. taken to let out the pus at every point The first dressing took three hours; tho second still longer. Five days were consumed in taking off the bits of old skin, four hours each day lie ing spent with tho forceps, scissors, and scnlpel removing the skin lnyer by layer. Not a piece as big as a dime was forced. Kellar's pluck was marvelous. The raw surfaces were dressed with an idoform mixture and bandaged with soft stuffs. Meanwhile the swamps of South Bend were being scoured for two pound frogs. A bushel basket of these w ere cleaned with a germicide mixture and fed on pure food The raw surfaces of Hollar's body were tenderly washed with clean warm water, then with peroxide of hy drogen, which destroys pus. The ut most cleanfiness and wbolesomeness was insisted upon. Just before applyiug the frog skin the raw surface was washed with a weak solution of corrosive subli mate. Everything ready, the first frog was brought out With a quick snip of the scissors its spinal cord was severed at tlie back of the neck. Then tho loose pearly whl'e skin from over tho abdo men was quickly taken out and thrust itito a dish of water which had been boiled, but whiqji was now merely warm. In the water had been dropped a littlo of the corrosive sublimate solution. Being cleansed, the skin was cut up into bits aWmt a toutli of an inch rquaro and applied to Kellar's body inside in, out side out Powdored iodoform was dusted over the graft, which was 8?alod tightly from impurities. Dr. Terry made grafts on 43 occasions. Thirty-two operations were unsatisfac tory; 10 were satisfactory. From each of the 10 centers healthy skin radiated, until now Kellar is "as good as now. " So Kellar went back to work tha only man in fio world who lias been boiled and sic in nod alive, and who has frog skin where he once wore his own. No Vanity Among- Men. They were talking of the vanity of women and one of the few ladies present undertook a defence, "Of eourse, " she continued, "I admit that all women are vain, Tlie men are not But, by the way," she suddenly broke off, "the necktie of the handsomest man in this room is up under his ear, " She had worked it Every man pres ent put up bis band to his nock. Phila delphia Times. Quit Difference. "Isn't Joues a Christian Sciontist a believer in the faith cure?" "Hais?" "Is it true that he wouldn't have a doctor for his wife the other day whoa she was sick?" "It is quite true. " "Well, I saw a doctor go into bia house just now." "Oh, that's all right lie's sick now himself. "-Cap Cod Item, DAY'ShPOWDER rrovrn) sLimg Fever and jv cures Lixtotnpcr, Heaves, jm-r-. Fevers, &o.,&e, 'WtieL 1 pound In em h pnekaco. SnM bTslM-il. rs. - BE. BULL'S BABY Facilitates Teei'iins!- I Snlit nt nnirrll Regulates tha Bowels! , Colds, Croup, Asthma, Whooping Cough, sumption and fur tho relief of Consumptive nersons For Sni hr sll itramsis V,( "unrr11"81'' cubkb cigarettes for c- UiWvAC tarftJ rrletlQCf. At all t'vgglntt. TtaiOTtfsr talus Frsszire and a tuixc Bujim ui VM,.uig a.fpt wtrcii kitikca Uit fic like a Ihouiand ncedlca. Wind forty miles an hour. Vo-j mt & nnn couldn't stand such ex posure? No, he couldn't, without Juki the proper clothing. And there's only one ouilit that can keep s roan both warm and dry at such a time, and that is tha "lull llrtnd Slicker." They are guaranteed atorni.proof, waterproof, aud wind, proof. Inside one of them, ynu ais as much out of the weather as if indoors. Xhev are lip.ht, but rami. Hcing re-enforced throughout, they nerer rip 1 and ths buttons are wire-fastened. No rail, mad man who hia ones tried one would be without It for ten times its cost. Beware ef worthless iro. itations, every garment stamped with " Fish Brand" Trade Mark. Don't accent any inferior ceat when fou can have ths " Fish Brand Slicker " delivered without eitrs coat. Particulars and illustrated cat alogue free. A. Js TOWER, - Boston, Mats. CONSUMPTUUI BROMCHITIS SCROFULA COUGH OR COLD Threat jLfSbctlca WutlsgofFlcsat r sassy XHewaav sesVsra tkt rhnaeU and Ln0t mm tnfimmmt, lmM sy atsswssftji A'as-M Wsr, yts smss to rsltssssl mm Cmvd fct SCOTT'S PURE COD LIVER OIL WltH Hjrpophospliltes. PALATABLE AS MILK. 4a W Isssfi AstuMam. emst M mA fry all Druggist. MOTT BOW4UC.ClMinlU(II.V. " If pop had blanketed you in the stable you would be fat, too." fit US Get from your tlcaler free, thr a Hook. It haa Jumlsomo pictures uu J valuable infonuution about Lotvcs. Two or three dollars for a 5a Ilorso blanket will iiiiiko your Lorso worth more end eat l&u to !;cep wartn. 5A Five Kilo 5A Boss Stable 5A Electric 5A Extra Test Ask for 30 other stylos at prices to suit every body. If you can't get them from your dealer, write us. BLANKETS ARE THE STRONGEST. NONI : aCNUINC WITHOUTTHt 8 LABEL Wanut rl br Wlf. Athes 8om. r-hlUrti?" ho mais the famous lion Braaa Baker iilaiiket Issf Lal-ir ItltMIMI. Wklapsn'US. ti" Isnaats. Is.mifal wkars sU BsmSUs kit. IM t 9. UCOx. ssa, tMaVSsaf. Istk. Wsslsfat ssskaf ffsiasfUaV m m mm m m mrr Fur t'.'O euro of H III I. cm nm w urn 1? You fae 5A 10-Fer Cent. Eecliiotioii, V1' ARK SI-LLING OUR STOCK OF Winter aud Spring Clothing ALSO Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re duction of 10 per cent. Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to 5.00 on every suit you buy. This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING CLOTHING ever offered in Hloomsburg. We hove also a f:nc lot of cloths from which we can make Suits to Order. WE GUABANTEE SATISFACTION in our make of clothing both as to quality and style. Come while this reduction lasts. EVAXS & EYEE, COM Bhomsburg, Pa. PIANOS, ORGANS & SEWING MACHINES. J. SALTZER'S MUSISAL IfflMI ii IM) HMS1SS ' With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the market Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything cets out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them successfully. 1 The STECK PIANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck. V e Iurre also the ESTEY aud the STAKR PIANOS, And The ESTEY, MILLER and UNITED STATES ORGANS. We sell Pianos from $250 to $6oo, and Organs from $75 to $175. In Sewing Machines we We sell the best Sewing Mach ine made for $19.50. J7 SaUmr, B DEALER IN Foreign and Domestic WINES AND LIQUORS. Bloomsburg, Pa. LTHE POSITIVE CURE. J fiLX BttWUSHS, 4 Wrr ER MAIN AND IRON STREETS. I ii- " J f 11 f ,. '( Uh 2!Si. can give you the Celebrated "WHITE" The best Machine in the world. The NEW DOMESTIC, The ROYAL ST. JOHN, The STANDARD ROTARY" And the NEW HOME. looms burg, Pa BW Kew York. rriMNeU.1
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers