THE LATEST HUMOR. IMHS. LUOWINS VISIT TO TUB PARIS EXHIBITION. WHAT THE OLD LADY DID TIIEltE. SAW AND BY ARTHUR SKETCH LEY, AUTHOR OF "THE BROWN PAPERS." PART V. Conclusion. We was all a-goin' to San Cloo, as they calls It, as is their foolish ways of talkin', for it's spelt Saint Cloud as is downright plain Eng lish; if they'd only speak plain, and not mess all their words up that fast, there's no doubt as a-many would understand 'em quite well, for the words isn't so out or the way if they was spoke proper, tho' I must say as it's werry absurd on 'em to call that 'ere church the Muddy Lane, for tho' arter a 'eavy shower the streets is filthy, yet certingly no one could say as it's a lane; but then it ain't more ridicu lous than our callin' the big theayter in Lon don Dreary Lane, tho' the time as I see it dreary were the word, but then it's all along of the French Irwin' one time so much about the place, as I've 'eard say as some of our kings was more French than English. But as to they're a-callin' the long street with the arches the river Lee, it's downright fool ishness, unless perhaps there was a river run thro it once, as I've 'eard say did used to be in London just close by where Fleet street stands now, and must 'ave been a big river, too, for to let the fleet come up it. But what I were a-goin' to say about San Cloo was the way as one of them parties went on a-goin' in the charybang, as 'olds a good many, and we was all a-startin', and there was three werry nice young ladies as wanted to go partikler, but when it come up to the door where they was a-waitin' for to be took up there wasn't no room. I was a-settin' atweentwo werry stout gentlemen, and was a-chattin' pleasant, when that party as 'ad the words with me about the table at breakfast, as was a-settin' behind back to back with me, all black satin and cri noline, with ringlets as greasy as they looked quite drippin'. When I see them young people that disappinted at not goin', I says, "What a pity as we can't make room for 'em," and I hear that party behind my buck a-savin', "It's a pity as some on us ain't a little smaller." So I says, "If some on us didn't spread theirselves out as far as they can there'd be more room." So she says, "Some on us 1b pretty well spread out by nature." Sol says, "Ifisome'on us wasn'tjto wear cri nolines, as is out of fashion, there'd be a place for a little one or two." We was just off and I 'eard that creeter call me a old 'og in armour, so I says, "I don't know about bein' a 'og, as isn't company as I'm used to, but should say as yon was quite at 'oine among." She says, "You wulgar old woman, don't talk to your betters." I says, "I won't when I meets with them as won't be the like of you as is what I calls cat's meat." She says, "I won't go along with that old woman." I says, "That you won't, for I'm a-goin' to fet out, and wouldn't be seen with you," for didn't feel over well, and there was to be a party for San Cloo in a day or two as I'd rather go with, so out I gets, and some'ow or other my parysol 'ad ketched in that fieldmale's bonnet, and in me a-getun' up quick 1 tore it all back off 'er 'ead, and if them ringlets wasn't false. She give a squall and shoved at me that wiolent as pitched me nearly out of the chary-bang, so I turned round and give 'er a good topper and then bundles out. I do believe if several of the gentlemen 'adn't stood atween us, we should 'ave come to blows reg'lar. not as I should 'ave let my self down for to fight, but really, she did agerawate me: so she 'ad to go in to set 'er bonnet to rights, and I felt my spavins a-coin in' on that dreadtul, that I 'urrted into the 'ouse, and 'ad a good cry with a little somethink 'ot, and then felt better, tho' far from well all day, and was glad as them young ladies went, as come 'ome in the hevenin', and made their selves that pleasant a-slngin' and playln', and thro' the weather bein' that warm, we set out in the garding a-listeniu'; and as to that party in the black satin, she over-'eated herself or somethink, for she was obligated to fo to bed as soon as ever she got 'ome, as 'ad een ill all the way in the chary-bang; but I wouldn't 'ave no disagreeables, so the next time as I see 'er, I goes np to 'er and says, "I asks your pardon, mum, for any think as I said rude yesterday; and as to your bonnet, I do assure you it was a accident, as I wouldn't 'ave done it for the world, a-knowin what it is thro' 'avin' took to a front myself." "Oh," she says, "never mind, tho' I did feel 'urt at the time, Mr. Johnson bein' present, and only lost my 'air three months ago thro' a bilious fever," as was all rubbish, for she was five and-forty if a 'our; and as to Mr. Johnson, as was a great big hulkin'lookin'chap not thirty, as 'ad a nasty 'abit of larfin' without a-emptin' of 'is mouth fust; I'm sure he'd never think of 'er, tho' she's a-settin' of 'er cap dead at 'mi, as the sayin' is, but arter that, we got on better, me and that party for that bit of a breeze be tween us seemed like a thunder storm for to clear the hair. I was a-goin' to bed afore Brown that werry night, and thought while I was a-nndressin', as I 'eard a Bobbin' like, so I listens, and sure enough it was some one a-Bobbin' in Mrs. Wilby's room, so I puts my Kb. awl round my shoulders, and goes to the door and knocks and says, "Mrs. Wilby, mum, are you not well." "Oh," she says, "Mrs. Brown, is that you ? i m so thankful you ve come." I see 'er lookin' like a ghost for whiteness, so l sayB, "Whatever is the matter T" "Oh," she says, "I'm a 'art-broken wretched woman." I says, "What is it?" . So she says, "It's all my own fault." I says, "Can I helD vou f" "No," she says, "you can't, nor no one else I'm rightly punished." I says, "What for if" -un, sne says, "i married that old man for 'is money, thro' bein' in dreadful distress, and now he leads me such a life, and ill-uses . , t 1 . jne tnro jeaiousy. I sayB, "The toothless old brute." She says, "lie's 'orridly mean, and I do assure you he'd 'ardly let me 'ave a meal, except what I get here, and because I met a old friend to-dav In the Exhibishun as I stopped to speak to, he dragged me 'ome 'ere, and has gone to 'ave 'is tea;" and she says, "my brother is in Paris, and is ooming to see me this evenln', but I dnrsn't let 'im know." I says. "Not let you see your own brother; I jevr 'earn ten 01 Bicn vm juueve&ru THE DAILY , EVENING TELEGAPH PHILADELPHIA, SATURDAY, While we was a talkin,' there come a tap at the door, as was her brother as looked like a seafarin' character, as proved to be, and only Jest come 'ome. I went out of the room in course, and thinks as I'd go over and stop that old Wilby from comin'. So I slips on my gownd, and tho' far from well, goes over to where they was a-takin' tea, and there was that old wagabone still at 'is tea, a-tuckin' into 'am like one o'clock. So I jest took a cup and set down near 'im, and begun a-talkin' to him, a lyin' old beast, as Vx-gun a hnmbuggin' about 'is dear wife bein' that delicate as she was forced to go to bed. I didn't say nothink, but when he'd took 'is tea, and said as he was a-goin' I says, "Law, won't you 'ave a 'and at cribbage with me, Mr. Wilby ?" For we'd played one evenin' afore, and he'd won sixpence, on me, as I Bee he were reg'lar greedy arter. At first he sed he wouldn't, but then give way, and we set down to play, and he kep' on a-chucklin' over me a-losin'. Afore ever 1 come in, I asked the lady of the 'ouse if she'd send some tea over to that poor young woman, as promised Bhe'd do it as soon as possible. I kep' lettin' that old feller win till he'd got a shillin' out of me, and then he wanted to leave oil. But I says, " No, give me a chance of winnin' some of it bark," as he was obli gated to give in to, thro' others a-sayin' it were fair. Brown, he come into the room, as 'ad teen doin' a pipe, and says, "Hallo, Martha, I thought you'd gone to bed." I says, "I changed my mind." Jest then the waiter come in and says tome, "The lady ain't there, for I've took over the tea myself, and the room's empty." Says old Wilby, "What lady ?" I say s, "Oh, nobody you knows; a friend of mine." So the waiter says, "Then you don't mean the tea for this gentleman's wife ?" Up jumps old Wilby, and rushes out of the room; I f oilers 'im, and got np to the room as quick as he did, and sure enough it was dark and empty. He turns on me, and says, "This is your 'andy work, you old cockatrice." I says, "You call me sich names, and I'll tear your eyes out." He says, "Where's my wife?" and rushes into my room. I says, "Come out of there, and don't make a fool of yourself." I'd got a light, and on the table there was a letter for 'im. as he ketched up and read, and then says, "It's all a piot, ana you re in it." 1 says, "1 knows nothink about it;" but I says, "I do know one thing, and that is. as you treated 'er shameful; and if she's gone to her brother, it only serves you right." jie says, "'Jir brother, indeed!" 1 says, "You dont mean to say as that sea- farin' party as I left 'er here along with isn't 'er brother?" He says, "You muBt be a fool to believe sich a tale," and was a-rushin' out. "Now," I says, "you'll escuse me, but," I says, "don't you go and make yourself a larfin' stock to every one in the 'ouse, but keep quiet; if she's a bad woman, let 'er go, and you're well rid of 'er, and be sure it'll come 'ome to 'er." He begun a-cussin' of 'er, so I says, "Don't do that, tor, remember as cusses is like chick' ens, they comes 'ome to roost;" so I says 'let 'er go, and you take yourself off on the quiet." "Well," he says, "you're no tool, the' no body womldn't believe it was in you to look at you." 1 says, "Don't the letter say where s she s gone 1" "Oh," lie says, "l don t care, leave me alone, that's all," and so I did, and when Brown come over I told im, and he says, "1 do beliere as you'll be a-goin' into the Toole rees and a-interferin' with the Hempire 'isself next." "Ah," says I, "I could tell 'im a bit of my mind as would do 'im good, and I'm sure I could manage that poor little Prince Im perial better, as I see lookin' werry pasty a-walkin' in the garaings, as wants leeain' up and not to be allowed for to set about a-drinkin' wine with a lot of little boys as is dressed up like sojers, and his father a-lookin' on as I see the pictur on my sen." We 'eard old Wilby a-tidgetin' about a good deal, and I kep' a-dreainin' and a-think-in' about that poor young woman, and didn't get no sleep, but jest as I dropped off if they didn't come and thump at the door and say as it was time for me to get up as it had gone five. I says, "Get up at this hour, what for?" The man says, 'You're a-goin' by the fust train." I says, "I ain't." "Oh," he says, "then it's the next room," as sure enough it was old wuuy a-goin- on, and go he did, and good riddance; and, I says to Brown, "he must 'ave done very baa oy er for to make 'er run away like that." "Oh," he says, "she's only a-actin' ally mode de Parry, and has caught up their ways." lsays, "Kubbish, there's good ana oaa, no doubt, 'ere like everywheres else;" but I couldn't go to sleep no more, and lay there a-thinkin' over all manner, and what I 'eard about their French ways of puttin' all the children out to nuss, as dies by the thousand, and is a bad way for to go on jest to save their selves the trouble; but, law, it aon t ao ior to think over the way as children is treated in England, as is bad enough, goodness Knows. Brown, he got np in a reg'lar bad temper, that short, as there weren't no speakin' to 'im, and was that rude to me over breakiast thro' a-sidin' agin me when I said as I'd see Bony party a-layin' in state in Baker street, 'cos as I've seen myself, but wanted for to go into Paris to do a little bit of shoppin' with Mrs. Ditcher, as I knows is as good as French to go Bhoppin' with, ana wouldn't 'ave thought of goin' alone, for no sooner do they find out as you're English, than they sticks it on pretty thick, I can tell you, everywhere about ira.na, aownright baretaeea robbery; but I must say as I do think as I never did know sich a reg'lar swindle as one of them dinners as we took in the Pally Royal as was two francs seventy-five, as they tell us means three francs; and they'd been and put on a lot for to Ketch the English, as they know'd would be that ravenous as they'd be drove to eat anythink and pay thro' their noses into the bargin. Well, we was a pretty large party, and Miss Tredwell were there, as 'ad got sick of 'er aunt at Wersales and come back, and she kep' on a-talkin what she calls French, as is, in my opinion, nothink but gibberish; well, one says as they'd liKe one tuiug, one anovner; as for me, the only thing as I took extra were a bit of butter and a reddish or two, and couldn't .rink tYimir wine, and 'ad a bottle of nale and bless you, the money as that dinner come to was turtle and wenison, as tne sayin' is. So I savs it's downright robbery, and quite as bad as the Caffee Shanton, as they charged us a frano and a-'arf at, for a cup of the most awful coffee as ever I did taste, wuss than the Tunics. We couldn't mak the waiter understand, and I don't know what we should have done, if it 'ain't been as a werry pleasant gentleman as weie English, and a Ward, a-takin of his dinner, come and 'elped us, and esplained as we'd been and 'ad a lot of things supplemen- talre, as they callB 'em, as means extras; but ne made 'em take a-somethink off, but it was over four francs apiece, as is a 'eavy price for the 1 ally Royal, and only what they charges anywhere for a dinner of Paris, as we 'ad one day for a treat, as is certainly good as French dinners goes, as I don't think much on my self, and prefers a jint and a puddiu' any day. 1 didn't go but to one theayter, as was to see Cindsella, as wasn't a bit like the English story, tho you could see as that it were cribbed from it, and of all the sights as ever I did see, it was them gals dresses as danced, as wasn't no dresses at all. We was np werry 'igh, and the 'eat were that dreadful, though a noble theayter, and that full as you wouldn't believe as so many people could come to see sich foolishness, as I didn't understand, and only come 'cos Mr. Dit cher said as we did ought to see fine spec- tfldlpfl. Afl la ttlini fha Vranpli nalla tvlaira as is their ignorance, and Miss Tredwell did make me that wild, for she kep' on a-larfin' as if she could understand the iokes. and when you asked her what they'd said, she only told you foolishness as nobody couldn't larf at, as wasn't a maniac outright, and I see as she didn't know no more than mo what they was a-sayin-, aa is a masK oi deceit all over. The next day we went to San Cloo, and I should 'ave looked werry nice only I'd sent my white jacket to the wash, and the color as they sent it 'ome was outrageous, as they'd been and washed it in dirty water and then blue bagged it to death leastways that's what it lookd like; and as to Brown's shirts and collars, they come that limn as there wasn't no wear in 'em, and no wonder, for they washes in cold water down by the river side, as I see them myself a-bealin' of the things to death, as Is shameful; and sich a price as is enough to make any one stare. But certingly we 'ad a werry pleasant day at San Cloo, as is a pretty place, and if I was a queen would just suit me, as the waterworks plays beautiful and not too far to go, and well it wasn't, for tho' a lovely mornln ', come over a Btorm in the evenin' as made Mrs. Wells faint dead off, jest as we cot in the train, for we couldn't go 'ome in the chary-bang; and Miss Tredwell kept a-'ollerin' to be put in a cellar so as she couldn't see it, as is down right foolishness, as might find 'er out jest the same there as in the hopen day, and I says to her, "There ain't no cellars to be 'ad in a rail way train," where we was then, as didn't pacify her, but turned out a fine night jest arter we got 'ome. I never shall forget the fright as I got one niornin' as I was out early a-takin' a walk near the Bore de Boulone. I'm always pretty sharp a lookin' out for 'orses as come a-gallopin' along the footpath, downright disgraceful. Well, I was a-walkin' on and 'eard a flappin' noise behind me, and a party as were a-scrapin' the road close by 'oilers out to me. I looks round, and there was them two beastly blacks a-trottin' after me on their camels, as 'ad broke loose from the Exposishun. The path where I was walkin' 'ad a post on each side, with a wooden bar at the top, as I couldn't get under, and as to lettin' them beasts pass they was all over the place like, so there wasn't nothink for it but to run, and off 1 set and 'eard a-shoutin' as was no doubt some one a-'ollerin' to me as the camels was comin', and on I rushed and made for the first opening as I see in them palin's as was ever so lar off, but I bounds through it and come fall butt agin a old feller as were a-smokin' a pipe and sent 'im a-llyin' agin some iron railin's, as it's a mercy he stopped me a-comin' agin or I should 'ave been reg'lar doubled up he certingly did go on tremenjous, a-making signs as I'd 'urt his feet. But as I says, what is any one to do when wild beasts is a-puTsuin' 'em, and as is a shame to be let out like that with them savages on their backs as don't seem to 'ave no power over them, as ; 'ow should they 'ave as is as strong as hele- : phants, tho' no trunk to carry. i must say as l do iiKe ior to see tuem places in Paris where they looks arter the children, down to quite infants, while theirmothersisgone , to work, as they calls a Craysh, and a werry good I thing too, tho' I must Bay as I wish as every mother with a young child was able for to ; give 'er time to look arter it; but them good sisters is that kind as they'd do anythink for 1 any one, and I'm sure the way as they looks arter the cripples, and tries to teach all the I children as did ought to turn out well, and p'raps they will be better than them as 'ave gone before, as 'adn't them instructions. Talk about French dinners I law, they're nothink; for if you wants to pay, go to some of them English places, leastways one as me and Brown and Miss Tredwell went to the last day as we was in Paris; for we was a-goin' 'ome by the night train, thro' its a-suitin' Brown best, as 'ad to be 'ome by a certain day. So I says, "The train leaves at six o'clock, and we'll get a bit dinner about four o'clock;" and I says, "the sea is a bilious thing, and don't let's 'ave none of their French grease for to upset us." So Brown Bays, "What will you 'ave ?" So I says, "I've 'eard speak of a place close on the Bully-wards, where you can get a bit of cold beef and a drop of beer, EngliBh-like." Well, Brown says, "All right." So when we'd been about and bought some trifles as I wanted for to take 'ome, I was that tired as I says it must be near dinner time, and off we goes to this 'ere place, as is certingly werry nice to look at. Well, all as we 'ad was a bit of cold meat and a steak, with some sparrer grass, and a few strawberries about the size of peas, as is wonderful cheap. Miss Tredwell the fancied a drop of wine more than beer, but we only 'ad hordinare as was good, and took 'arf a bottle apiece, with some bread and butter; and I'm blest if the bill didn't come up to pretty near a pound. I says, "Whatever for ?" But they couldn't speak no English; leastways a waiter pre tended to as was a insolent beast, and quite rude to me because I asked 'im to 'urry with the steak, as they kep' us waitin' ever so long for, and if he didn't say in 'is gibberish as it wasn't time for dinners, and would 'ave been insultin', only Ms English didn't run to it, as the sayin' is, and he was stuck up a-tryin' to get 'is sauce out. There wasn't nothink for it but to pay. So we did, and Brown blowed me up, a-sayin' we could 'ave 'ad a fust-rate dinner for 'arf the money, and bo we could. I was glad for to get to the railway, where we'd left our things in the mornin', and we was Boon in the train, and a lovely evenin' it were, all but the dust, as was a-niakin' quite millers ou us. We didn't stop werry long at Ruin, but time to take a somethink aa knows 'ow to charge, and wanted 'arf a frano for a orange, and a whole fro no for about a dozen strawberries. When , we got to Dieppe we got aboard of the steamer as wasn t to start not im iour m mo .mumm . So I goeB down into the cabin, and the stew ardess was a werry pleasant young woman, and made me np a sort of a bed on a sofy as I should 'ave slep' on werry well, only just as I were a-goin' to lay down up conies a stout party as said she'd engaged that sofy. So I t .m 1 it. IS as was a sort of a shf-lf Just over that soiy, as 'ad a little round winder open close to my ead. Well, I managed for to get up there, and ehets the winder; so the party on the Bofy says, "Oh, I can t 'ave that winder shet." So 1 says, "Can't youT men i can, as ain't a-goin' to 'are my death of cold ketched thro' the night air a-blowin' in." "Oh," she says, "sea air win ao you gooa. I eays, "If you're bo fond on it, p'raps you'll come np and lay 'ere witn your eau c.uo ajiin it, as will give you ear-ache as sure as a gun." Mie said as she snouia iaint. "Well," I says, "faint away; they're used to it 'ere." So I shets the winder and tries to go to Bleep, 8Bd 'ad dozed off, when I suppose I was a-dreamin', for I thought as that party below was a-tryin' to open that little winder, and I Bays, "No, you don't; get away," and gives 'er a shove, as I thought, as made me roll right off the shelf, and come on the top of 'er with a squash as made every one wake up. There was a row, but I'm sure I was most 'urt, for I rolled off of 'er on to the floor. I thought I was a-settin' on somethink werry soft and 'ard both together, and felt some one a-'ittin' at me, but didn't know quite what I w as about, thro' bein" that confused in my 'ead, atween asleep and awake, with a bell a-ringin', and the stewardess a-'ollerin' at me and tryin' to pull me np, and if I wasn't a-settin' on a lady's face, as were a-sleepin' on the ground; for the cabin was that crowded, beoause all as comes by night is allowed In the best cabin without payin' extra, as Brown and me ad done a-comin'. and really, when I did get on my feet, I felt reg'lar like busted, and jest then the boat was off, and joggled about bo as I couldn't stand; and I didn't know where to lay, for the place was that full, and the wessel a-iollin' and pitchin', for it 'ad come on to blow ...... . 1 ) I .1 . 1- and ram mat wioiem as i couiun i go on uecn., where Brown was; but at last I couldn't stand it no loncer. for that stout party as I'd fell on kep' a-moanin', and the lady as I'd set on 'er face 'er nose were a-bieedin , and aitogetner never did feel more wretched. So up I goes, and a young fellow were that kind to me, and acted quite the father to me, and wrapped me up in a thing like a coal-sack, and there I set on the deck a-rollin' about that dreadful, with a 'ankercher tied round my 'ead. that ill as 1 do think as death would 'ave been a mercy; and I can't make out 'owever it is as them wessels is allowed for to roll and pitch al out like that, as can't be fastened pro per, as 1 says to that young man as aa give me the coal-sack to wear. "Whatever can be the use of all them cords and ropes if they don't 'old it steadier than this;" as only says, "Law bless you, marm, this ain't nothink but 'er nlav. as is a licht-'arted wessel." When I see iirowB, i says, -urown, it s an over with me 1 But." I says, "if anythink should 'appen to me, whatever you do, don't go for to pitch me overboara, ior," i says, "I've got a secret on my busBum as I wouldn't die without tellin' you on, was it ever so." "Oh." he savs. "I don't want to know none of vour secrets as ain't worth knowin', I dessay." I savs. "Brown, it is worth knowin', for," says, "its a five-pound note as I've got sowed up in my stays," so he only bust out a-iarun. and savs: "Oh, I shan't mind a-losin' that if I gets rid of vou." He ain't abad 'art ain't Brown, but not much feelin' as ever he shows for nothink, and if he didn't go away and leave me, as is a nice way for to keep 'is wows as he made, never to desert me in sickness and in 'ealth, as I'm sure I was in both just then. As to Miss Tredwell I 'ad left 'er awful bad, but about 8 o'clock or so she came on deck, I felt a little better and bo did she; I says to 'er as I wanted for to get down in the cabin for to dress myself as couldn't manage, so I asks the stewardess whether I might take a new 'at as I'd brought from Pans ashore without payin' no duty. She says, "If you wears it they can't charge you." I says, "I can't wear it now." "Why," she says, "the weather's lovely, and we shall be in 'arf a 'our from this time." So she brings me np my bonnet-box, and I puts on the 'at. Jest a-puttin' of my 'air on and a-settin' myself a little bit to rights on the cabin stairs. It was a werry lovely 'at as Mrs. Wells 'ad bought, but didn't suit 'er complexion thro' bein a yaller, with trimmins and a feather to match, and I'd got a green wail to wear with it. Jest as I'd got it on, up comes Brown as nearly bust 'isself a-larfin', and says, "Well, of all the old guys as ever I did see, you beat em." I says, "Brown, if you don't like it I won't wear it." He Bays, "I don't care what you wears, if you likes to make a figger of yourself, do it in welcome," he says, "you'd better come np on that upper deck, as the air is fresher." So he ketches 'old on me and leads me up some steps onto a sort of a landin' between the paddle-boxes, and there he set me on a camp stool, as they calls it, as was werry wobbly. I didn't much like it, and was a-goin' to get up, wnen mat cuiup tvuui luppiea over; i grabbed at somethink for to save myself, and ketched 'old of a brass tap like, when it give a puff of steam tremenjous as blinded me, and a screamin' whistle as made me give that start as over I rolled, and should have been down a flight of steps, enly the captain were a-comin' up. He says, "What did you do that for?" so I tells 'im; "Well," he says, "you've only saved me the trouble as were just a-comin' up to do it;" but, bless you, my green wail wassoakin', and my 'at quite spilte, and the mercy is as I were not scalded to death. So I goes down, and who should I see a-settin' on the deck but that Mrs. Wilby, as certingly I did not hold with; so she comes up to me as I spoke so cool, so she says "Oh, Mrs. Brown, I'm so glad to see you." I says, "Escuse me, mum, but tho' I pities you, I do not 'old with any wife a-boltin from a 'usband, as whatever he may be he is a 'usband still." So she Bays, "Oh, it's all right with Mr. Wilby, and I'm here with my brother and 'is wife." And if they 'adn't come to Paris a-purposely for to fetch her away from that old brute, and if she didn't go on and tell me 'ow she'd been treated by 'im as 'ad broke 'er back comb in 'er 'ead, and pulled 'er 'air out by the 'ndfuls, all thro' bein' that jealous, as she said, served 'er right for marryin' 'im, as no doubt she 'ad done jest to get provided fer, as is downright infamous, I considers; and, for my part, I don't Bee as 'ow a woman as does Buch a thing can look down on the wilest, for she's rather worse off, 'oos the werry worst on us can turn over a new leaf, but when you're once married they're ain't no repentance but the grave or the divoroe court, as wouldn't suit me, that's all as I've got to say. And yet 'ave 'ad a deal to put up with sometimes, with Brown's temper and redicule, but thro' a-bearin' on it 'ave brought 'im to be a lamb, tho with a'ot temper. I Bhould 'ave 'card a deal more about Mrs. Wilbv. onlv the boat Btopped still, and then began to wobble says, "Werry well, tnpn in Bleep up mere. AUGUST 17, 1867. that awful as seemed to turn my werry 'art in side out. I says to Brown, "It'B 'ard to perish in sight of land like this. He says, "Don't talk foolery." I says, "I ain't a-ta'kln' foolery, Mr. Brown, for well I remembers your a-readin' of it to me yourself about a wessel as was dashed to bits on the rocks as the parties a-standin' on could 'ear the poor creeturs' Bhrieks as were a-standing n woaanl a-flnnndArin' everv instant." "Why," he says, "that was off the Cape of Good Hope in a 'eavy see." "Well," l says; "it may nave Deen a ruim ope," but I don't see it, for a watery grave is thing as I've 'ad a-'orror on ever sinco gal thro' bein' nearly drownded all thro' cousin of mine as 'eld my 'ead down in the washln'-basin, thro' fuq, and no doubt must have perished, but for havin' on thick boots as I lashed out behind with, and ketched 'im sich a shinner as sent 'im off owlin' as 'adn't no business in the wash- on ee, and me a-cleanin' myself up a-bit. as was always full of 'is larks, and took to the sea, poor feller, and lost is life thro' 'is cap a-blowin' off np aloft, as he'd been sent to for to fetch somethink as is 'ighly dangerous in a roinn' sea. "i5ut," i says. "iJrown. whvever aon t we go on i" "Ob," he says, "there ain't water enough ior to let ns go in." 1 says, 'That's rubbish with the werry osbun under our leet." He says, " 'Old your row," and so I did, not for 'is tellin' me, but beoause I was that dreadful queer as talk 1 couldn't, and for more than 'arf a 'our, I'm sure, we was a-dodgin' about, and thankful I was when we come to a anchor and to get ashore, and a werry nice 'otel where I made myself comfortable, and the train went about eleven o'clock as would 'ave got us 'ome by the mia die of the day: but I was that bad as go I couldn't, so Btopped on to the arternoon, for I says, "I 'ates gettin' 'ome in the middle of the day. as don't seem nat'ral, and the next trian '11 get ns there by six," and i d got anss Tred well for to write to Mrs. Challin for to 'ave tea ready with a bit of cold 'am and a hegg or two in the 'ouse, so I says, "It's sure to be all richt." Brown, he says, "Go when you please," and goes out for to 'ave a talk with parties aboard the steamer, as he s lona oi seem' an aoout, and whatever he can see in 'em l can t thins, for the werry smell of that ingin room turns me. We waa off about three, and got 'ome jest on the stroke of six, as the sayin' is; and when we got to the door l was rather iook aback at stein' all the winders open, and if Mrs. Challin didn't oome to the door that sweep to look at, as I says she's 'ad the chimbly a-fire, and it was next thing to it, for she'd been and 'ad the sweeps, as I'd told 'er to afore I left 'ome; but I Bays, "Why 'ave them the werry day as I'm espeoted ?" She says, "You wasn't espected." I says. "Not thro' that note as I sent you?" She sayB. "We've never 'ad no note, 'ave we. Nancy, or I'm sure I shouldn't 'ave 'ad the sweeps with a 'eavy wash on." And if she 'adn't been and washed my white bed furniture and the counterpin, and two blankets, and the whole place upside-down, all the carpets up, and my bed-room fresh scoured with all the things piled on the top of the bed As to Brown, 'owlin' wolves was lambs to the way he went on. and arter sayin' he hoped as I liked it. walks 'isself out I was that awful tired that I couldn't stir a 'and or foot till I'd 'ad a cup of tea, but then turned to, and by the time as my lord oome in the place was all to rights, with a bit of 'ot supper ready, and he says, 'ome is 'ome." as put im in a good humor, "Well, arter all said and done, And I says to 'im, "Right you are I don't think as I ever did enjoy my own bed more in my life, for them French beds is that springy as you don't seem never to get your rest thro' bein' always on the move in them; but I will say as it's a wonderful place, and as I says to Mrs. Elkins, a old friend of mine as is a-goin' to Paris with 'er two daugh ters, as 'ave jest left a boardin'-school, and 'er -a-dyin' to get 'em married, as I don't think as the Parishuns is likely for to fancy, thro' bein' lar from 'andsome nor yet good Aggers, and she come for to ask me about Cook's escursion, and I says, "Well, all as I can say is as I looks on Mr. Cook like a father, and as to Mrs. Cook, she were a downright mother to me, and everybody that civil, and I'm sure 'ad their tempers tried," for there was parties as never would be satisfied, leastways Miss Tredwell was one, as I give 'er a good settlin' down myself, and there was a stuck-up chap in a white wescut as was always a-blowin' about 'is clubs. So I says one evenin' aa he was a-talkin' werry big, I says, "Ah, them benefit clubs is werry good things in sickness, and somethink 'andsome to bury you with," as made parties larf, and he give me sich a scowl and walks out of the room, as were a-comin' the toff a little too strong over us. The only unpleasantness as I know'd was among the ladies about a-givin' of their hages for to be wrote in the perlice book, as is like them perliceses impidenee, for to ask sich a question. As I says, "What's my hage to them, as am as old as my tongue, and a little older than my teeth," as the sayin' is; tho' I must say I couldn't 'elp a-smilin' when I see Misa Tred well a-puttin' 'erself down five-and-twenty, as is eight-and-thirty, if not turned forty; and as to Mrs. Wells bein' only eight-and-twenty, why then I'm eighteen, that's all. When I comes to look back calm at that Exhibishun, I must say as it's won derful, and will be a deal better when it's finished, and all the things got there and unpacked; but if there wasn't no Exhibi shun there at all, it's worth any one's while for see Paris, tho' no doubt they'd be glad for to find theirselves safe 'ome agin, for tho' London is a grubby 'ole, and there's room for improvements, leastways there did ought to be, tho' I've 'eard say as the ground is worth a guinea a inch in the city, yet it's 'ome, and a pleasure for to 'ave friends near you as you can understand, and not that everlastin' jabber a-goin' on in that gibberish as must be 'arf foolibhness as they're a-talkin', aud tho' I ad mires them French a good deal as is a clever 'ard-workin' lot, but I couldn't stop among 'em was it ever so. Not as I've got any reasons for to speak agin 'em, and I'm sure treated me well, for even the Hempress 'erself, as we see one day in the Exhibishun, was a-lookiu' at me with er hoprer glass, and the Princess of Proosher as was along with 'er quite smiled as she passed, no doubt a-twiggin' at a glanoe we I were English, as you can tell among a thou sand as give a good hoorare myself when I Bee 'er a-comin', and waved my 'ankercher that wiolent as I knocked aold gentleman's 'at . and spectacles clean off, as he didn't take in good part, as is only what you might expect thro' bein' a German, as is parties I don't 'old with, tho' I've know'd some on 'em that Sleasant as you wouldn't believe as they was ermans. As to the Hemperor, I never shall forget 'im to my dyin' day as were a-drivin'in 'is pheatou and me a-crossin' the street, and 'ad to pall np for me as was werry perllte, and give a down- igm r uu ho am me party as were with 'im, as was only their French ways, as is a light-'arted lot, and never thinks of to-morrer, as Im sure I'm obliged to, tor If that tal of UJlliU UUU k U-lllJ UUTB U1B lUtUl fUJ '11 go tJHt take in a quartern loaf with all that stale bread in the 'ouse aready. I ain't seen nothink oCJkliss Tredwell since , as owes me money, which is p'raps the reason. Poor Mrs. Wells, she oome over to see ma. as says Wells is a bigger brute than ever, a-ravin' about the French women's beauty, as I'm sure 1 see none on 'em as is a bold lot a-goin' to the races as I see 'em myself ai is tailed the jemmy mond, and a nice jemmj dressed out flashy bold-lookin' lot they was. that painted np and their 'air all yaller. but as I says no ladies, never in this world. to co on like that: and as to the men the more they dresses the wuss they looks, Vitb. 'ats on like black chimbly pots and -their trousers that tight as I'm sure they're never made to take on and off, and as to them 'igh 'eel boots as the ladies wears with their short things, I'd sooner walk in pattens, as would be a firmer tread and not bo likely for to give the ankle a wrench as you're s good time a-gettin 'over, like a aunt of mine as trod on a bit of soap leit in carelessness on the kitchen stairs and come all down 'em with. a run and a kick in 'er gallop, as the sayin' is, ior ever arter. Tho' I've 'ad my troubles ' am one them French, as I kep" dark from Brown, as would ave took and nearly blowed their 'eads off, if he'd knowed it, and certingly a downright In- buh ior to ever tninit sich a thing on me, a ad give me a dreadful turn, tho' soon over, for I was a-settin' restin' near one of them fovin caffees, and I see one or two of them eook 'at chaps pass by and stare, and then they went away ana others come; ana at last one on Via comes np and gives me a sort of a wink, and jerks with 'is thumb, as he meant me fer to loner im. - I says, "Go on with your awdacious . im- Eidence," and give 'im one of my looks, but e wouldn't go on, but kep' a-plntlnVan beckonin', and then two or three others oomi up, as begun a-talkin'. ', So I says, "If you've got anythink for t say to me, speak out like men, and don't b a-noddin' and winkin' at me, as ain't one for to stand none of yonr nonsense." ' ". So as they couldn't make nothink on mo -they fetches a party as was a interpreter,' an he Bays, werry perlite, as the perlioe reqnirw. , my attendance for a little minit. I says, "Yon don't mean to say as yo i'i ' a-goin' to take me np, as am a British subj and 'ave got onr minister 'ere, and tho' I ai t of 'is perswasion, I don't believe, as a clerj man, he'd stand by and let me be insulted." So he says, "Come, it's all right," so I Rol lers, and was took into one of them placet as did ought to be a caffee, but ain't, as is wliere the perlice stops. ' . A chap were a-settin' at the table, and wsks for my pusport. - ; i I says, "I ain't got sich a thing as a pusport about me, and only a port-mony, without much in it, for I never do go oat with money in my pocket, nor since that time as I 'ad my pocket picked in Whitechapel." So the interpreter he stops me, and says, "Are you a married woman ?" I says, "In conrse, not as I've got my fines with me, but could tell any one where to lay their 'ands on 'em in the dark, as is the furthest corner of my left 'and top drawer." He says, "What's your name, do you say V I says, "Brown Martha Brown," as I wouldn't deny, was it ever so. Well, they talked together a bit, and then the interpreter says as I must be searched. "What," I says, "by foreign Frenchmen never I" -, - -. "No," he says, "there's a lady as '11 do it. Step in 'ere." . Well.Idon't think aa ever I was in sich a fright. and as to that party as was to search me, I never see anythink more like a man in petti coats, with a mustarch on 'er upper lip, for all the world like a 'orse-marine, as the sayin' is. I didn't 'arf fancy being searched, bat it was only my pocket as they turned out. as is a good stout jane, and 'olds a-many things, and I do believe as they was a-larfin' when they took out that little straw bottle as I alwaj j carries, but seemed satisfied, and says as might go, but I says to the interpret , "Whatever does it mean ?" , "Oh," he says, "only a mistake, as yc l must look over, thro' there bein' a many bj characters about as is a-plottin' for 'sassim tin', and it was thought as you was one in disguise, thro' their thinkin' as your little bottle was a pistol." "Why," 1 says, "the awdacious wagabones, they must 'ave been a-tamperin' with my pocket for to know as I'd got it at all, and as to bein' a 'sassin' in disguise, I'm sure I don't look like a man dressed np in woman's clothes, as I do believe that one is as turned my pocket out;" and I says, "You'll 'ear more on it," for I ain't one to be trampled on and not turn, like a worm, aa the sayin' is. So he says, "I 'ope you'll look over it, aa am English myself, and wouldn't 'ave stood by and seen no insults offered yon;" but, he says, "I do assure you as they're obliged to be care ful, for them 'sassins is that hartful as they'd take any one in." So I didn't say nothink to nobody, fox really there's no tellin' what them perlice won't do, as seemed always for to 'ave their eyes on me, and quite accounts for what 'appened one day as I was a-walkin' about the Exhibishun all alone and was a-lookin' at some werry wonderful old ancient things as I see 'ad come frem England. They waa things as did used to belong to them Romans when they was over 'ere, so I know'd as Brown would like to Bee 'em, and as it was jest on the time for meetin' 'im, as we'd made a rondywoo, as the French calls it, close by, I goes out of the place for to meet 'im, and 'adn't got werry far when I remembered as I'd left my camp-stool as I always took with me, behind. ' I turns back, and if they 'adn't been anj Bhet the place up, tho' not near the time. 8? kuocka at the door, as is a sortf slidin petition, and up comes a surjon-de-wilj and tells me to move on, or, as he calledi; circulate. , ' I says, "I wanta my oamp-stool." . . He only talked more louder, 'oos I knocked agin with my urubreller. . . ' I says, "I'll 'ave it," for I'd been a-sittin there quiet a-takin a little refreshments as I'd brought in a basket, thro' not a-likiu' to nay that price for everythink, and 'ad been took quite faint, as walkin' round and round always do make me, and felt aa I might want that camp-etool agin, for you ain't never safe ia that Exhibishun about them seats, as some on 'em ia free gracious and others you've no sooner set down on than up comes a woman and wants two soos, as she takes and then gives a click at a little round brass box as she've got a-'angin' at 'er side like a watch, as ia to check er from a-collarin them boos not as I sees as that can if ... ain't no call to click the thing if'she don' like to; but any'ow, I don't see the fun t -j i 1117 I'tiuip-Biooi, and say vuiw iuu-utj-wiii, "i n nave it." lCiwf em th ft ft fag. )
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