2 LIFFITH LANK; OR, LIN AM. A PARODY ON "GK1FFITII OAVNT OIl.JBAMirSY." Tho publication of Charles Itcade's "Grif fith Gaunt" In the Atlantic, ond the attacks to which It waa subjected on both sides ot the Water, have secured for It a notoriety second to none of the recent publications of fiction. The following is a skeleton of the plot. Kate re) ton, a country belle, is courted by Sir George Neville and Griffith Gaunt. She Is a fervid Romanist, and has a penchant for a convent. Because, however, she Inherits property, which should have been Griffith's, she feels inclined to mairy h'na. This she does, and, after living In peace for a few years, excites his jealousy because of her conduct with her confessor. lie (Griffith), driven to distraction by the Insinuations of her maid. Caroline Ryder, finding his wife and Father Leonard together, knocks Leonard down, mounts his horse, and flies to an adjoin ing county where, after a severe illness, ho mar ries another woman.lho ''dove-eyed" angel, Mercy Vlnu Returnlne,however, for money to Mrs. Guant, No. 1, he finds she has been faith ful, and lives at home for a while. After oscilla ting between tho two for some time, Kate Ends out his peccadilloes, and threatens to have him arrested. lie flies In the night. A shriek Is beard, and on the strength of tho shriek she is arrested for murder. She de fends herself, and at the last moment a letter is received from Griffith, saying that he Is alive. Alter a short time she returns to live wi:h him; and his child by Mercy Visit having died, the lattcris married to Sir George Neville. The following admirable parody can be only fully appreciated by those.who have read the work, but this outline will enable all to see the force and point ot many of the sarcasms with which it abounds. The author deserves great credit for the success of his little work. J . 1 1" FITII JL.VIV Iv. AUTUOU "SEDITION. Overture of Select Texts. There are of madmen as there are of tatue, All humored not alike. Some Apish and fantastic." Dkkkkb. Strike out! and tho world shall revere us Ab heroes dtsciudcU from heroes." Hoh, John Morrissey. "Verily, u he not a man and a Bother?" H. G. 'I'ygh hygh, tych hygh! O ssveet dolight! He tickles this aire who can ; Calls '1 ullia's ape a niarmoslte, And LeUa's gooso a swan." British Bibliosrafubr. "Passengers who honre would Journey nto St. I nomas, Brazil, Savannah, or Havana, Will comfort, sptod, and safety much insure By paB-aee taking on our lines ol pteauiHliis, Tho office being at 6 Bowling Green." Garrison & Ailex. "There is a chain ef cauos Linked to effects; inv sible necessity. That whate'er is, could not but so have boon." Drvden. "Ihore, I told you 10 !" A Veteran Observer. 'Read, le that run, tho awiul truth With which 1 charge my page." Uowper. "Marry, come up! as of bell there Is a din Friends, let us dine." W. Stuart. "I hold that man a fool who would his life imperil For a woman who loves mm nov vV. Shakkspeahh. "Aht that is the mystery Of this wonderful history." Southey. 'I hath not scon It, my gentle boy." J. R. Oseooo. "Human nature is full of inconsistencies " Lewis Lelakb. "Take this in good part, whatsoever thou be, And wish me no worse than I wish unto thee." 1 0S8ER. LIFFITH LA LUNACY. N K 11 Y C, IJ. WEBB. ILLUSTRATIONS BY SOL EYTIXGE, QUOTATIONS BY VARIOUS AUTHORS. JR. For in this world, to reckon everything, l'leasure to man there is none comparable As is to read with understanding In books ot wisdom. They bon co delectable Which sound to virtue, aud hen profitable T RE VISA TO TBS IIou. Henry J. Raymond, WHO FIRST PUBLISHED THIS TRAVKTIE IN THE iHLW YORK TIMES, AM) WHO HAS OUT OUT MORE PRINTED LKSS Ot, AKD DMPOBMLY PAID BETTER PRIOKS KOlt MY CJOKTUlnUTIOKtf THAN ANY OTHER EDITOR LIVIMQ. THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS BK BPEOIFPLLY DEDICATED. By Way of explanation. For the leading idea of this little story, let me frankly confess that I am indebted to Mr. Charles Keado. Lithth Lank is, in great mea sure, the legitimate offspring, or rather off shoot, of "Grillith Gaunt," which will account for any similarity that there may be between the two lamidcations. For tho general stylo and the typographical effects introduced, I am also indebted to Mr. Reade; but. having said thug much, ail is said. For the illustrations I am only indebted to Eytinge not having yet Jiald that eminent, excellent, and patient artist or his labors. . . . Originally published in the New York Times, I was persuaded to con sent to the republication of the travestie In its present lorm. And I will take this occasion to say that lam ready and, in 1 act, eager, to be persuaded to consent to the republication of anything I have ever written-provided some one else can be found to incur the expense and risk lr my little book amuses the public, I ehall bo pleased; if it pays, I bhail be more than pleased; tor "My toul it not pa'aoe of the past Where priest worn ereeds,like tome's jrrey Sonata, Hearing afar the Vandal's trumpet hoarse The tiiue is ripe and rotten ripe lor chahox Then let it oome I" C. II. W. Illustrations. fORTRAlT 0Kat8 In this out the erots-eut ir vento the eyes by the artist, is particularly notioeable. J Tdb f oi Uukt. Phowlnjr bow woll Kato waa cal culated to overlook things about a bouse or bod ire. Th Dvl. Illustrative of what woman can do, if the chooses, and can manage to boriow pie. bald chaijror. Tb Dkolabatiok. Limth leaning against the turret, and establishing a hT.ii.& on Kate. Td Lapt'b Maid.- Mrs ttydor dressing her mis trass' hair ooinbinjr it rather strong. JH8 Modern Craklk Merov points to It Liffltn aecs the poiut, but don not like the game. DnAaoitiO Tn Mkrk. A mire fancy skntch, rue etited tr Ljiinge iu pensive and retrospective hour. The Apotbkohs Showing what a man mar achieve H he has (he industry t uiarrj two wires, and iomo ore to right linu up alter-ward- e ecia ly de if nod tor tho example and encourasemcnt oi 1 ounr men. LIFFITH LANK0R, LUNACY. A TALE THAI H'C WHO UUN3 MAY RE4DE. CHAPTER I. "Say I, then, that loscl shall never blacken my boots aunn !" 'bay I, then, they are my boots, and not yours," and that, fuithtul serving-aian shall brichten them whenever lie will." The gentleman and lady who Indulged In tins little interchange of compliments bo'ore break last were man ond wife, and had loved each other a Little hut not Lou jr. Scant the encour agement to matrimony which my opemnir epi sode affords, but the (iroat Artists duty is Im perative ft viiam impendn-e vero t Here a little explanation is necessary not or my Latin, tor that will be found anrnng the Words, Phrases, and Quotations from Foreign Languaeres" in the appendices of all modern dictionaries but of my plan, In medio Mis snnus tljus: Sutcty lies in the middle, both in raiting hair and beginning stories. On that hint I have acted. To begin now with the be ginnine: Miss Katrine Phaeton was a young lady of Cucumberli ml, born of rich but respectable- Snrent.s. Her hair whs jroldcu, her eyes grey, he had a lasbion of doing up the former that puzzled her rivals, aud ot using the latter that bewildered ber victims. The secret of chirnon whs known to rone. As tor her eves, sue had a way ol turning them on slowly, as careful house- 1A1B rllAETON ANn HkR EYES. (PHOTOGRAPH En BY BRADY.) wives do pas, so that the victim could not fail to observe two things: first, that they were grand and beautiful orbs, though the pupil was with out a master; secondly, that they were over looking him intteud of looking at bim. Some persons would have thought her cross-eyed but it was only a way she had. 8o contemplated by such curious eyes, a man feels queer. He doesn't know whether he is being looked at or not. She was rather charvanie, and iumo no nones of giving all the cold victuals about the house to 1 the poor. All she required in return from those j around her was, that they should be Roman j Catholics, and do precisely as she wished them i to do in every thing. Singularly enough, much 1 uglier and richer girls married ou all sides of ber, but this eccentric beauty remained Miss Phaeton at two times twenty. She hunted nce a month, and was at home in the saddle but did not uive her receptions there. So admirably balanced was her charac ter, that, notw ithstanding her love of the manly sport, she had no ambition to be a jockey nor a groom. But one day they drew Yewtree Bow, and out shot, a fox. A hedger saw him shoot, and gave the view halloo; aud away acros3 country, like new brooms, swept dogs, horses, and men. But, notwithstanding all this enume ration. Lux famina facti and so it was, Deuse takes the hindmost. It was a gallant chase, and our dreamy vir gin's liack got up. Her golden hair streamed, and her gray eyes watered, as lithe and blithe she eat upon her great white gelding, riding over huntsmen as well as hounds, and jumping ditches and hedges where the stoutest steeple chase riders of the county were stuck aud staked. Having'ontriddeu ondjuniped over everybody and everything, Miss Phaeton was naturally soon nest to the fox, and saw that sagacious animal when he, not wishing to be run over, HOW KATE OVERLOOKEn FOXES AND THIN09 THI GREAT WHITE GELDINQ roiSTS. glided into Dogwood Undermore. The hunts men and hounds were at this lime so far in arrears that they mistook the great white jjeld ing for the fox, and the back-hair ot the dreamy virgin for his brush. But Miss Phaeton so long aud still upon her harse at the comer of the underwood, that she fell into a deep reverie, and did not see the fox, when he stole out, thongh her eyes were bent in that direction. The fox thought she was looking at him, but here the peculiarity of those grand and beautiful orbs made itself apparent she was ocerlooking him. Huntsmen and hounds were swearing and tearing in all direc tions, but Miss Phaeton sat quietly and turned over in her head a plan lor converting all the world to Roman Catholicism. Not so her horse. He plunged and then didn't, and then trembled all over and planted hU forefeet together at this angle . At the same moment he slanted his hind-legs thus . The tollowing was then the position: f . It may be mathematically stated thus: yV.O. So braced he could not move a peg; a hore divided against himself can not stir god ernt demonstrandum. But he looked a deal more statuesque tuau any three statues in England as may readily be imagined. And, by-the-by, the gentlemen who carve horses 1q our native style, did they ever see one in that ns out of a picture-book r The whipper-in came up and was somewhat surprised at the attitudes of both horse and rider. From that of the former he thought that the tox had popped out; from that of the latter that Liillth Lank, who was In the neighborhood, bad either popped or was expected to. It never occurred to his simple soul that a meetluof the hounds could be couverted into a meetlug of the Congregatio die rropigunda Fvie, However, a huntsman ranie up and miide bold to touch his lint, and ask her il she hud seen nothtrg of the to. Mie toyed wiih the horn that finite, looked hlni dreamily iu renliod. "i'es." bung t i)pr the lure, and He blew his own horn lustily, and asked which whv i'ng had lione. Upon which Miss Phaeton looked him dreamily in the face again and nude answer that sha did not know. "Hi t didst not say thou aw'st him T" "Not so, sweetheart," said she, laying her band upon h's arm sottly and smiling sweetly. "You nske( had I seen nothing of the iox, and I replied, yes and I have seeu nothing of the fox." Thereupon the huntsman took a small but siza ble flask from his pocket, put it to lib. lips and wound another horn, lor lie now saw what the dieamy virtrin was at. Ho understood thut she hnd overlooked the fox. "Couple up and go home to supperl"said M'ss Phaeton, sublimely disregardful that it was not supper-time, and of the object which had brought forty dogs aud men and' horses and her self to the field. "The fox is iu his hole by this time." And touching spur to her horse, she jumped over tho astonished huntsman's hoad, and cantered slowly home across country, as though nothing had happened. "Courage, tines amisl" remarked the hunt3 nian to his frieuds, as he rearranged the Amidou which the boot of the great white gelding had grazed and dmnaged, thinking the while that it was the Fall iushion, and bad cost ten dol lars "Courage, mes amis, te diable est morl " Miss Phaeton had not ridden many miles when Lillith Lank galloped up to her side. In expectation ot this event, she had been holding in her impatient horse lor the last hull hour. "Is It jou, Liflith?'' she ciied, with a sudden Blurt of surprise: "who would have thought it !" Mark you the woman there. Why, think you, the grand and beautiful orbs overlooked the fox when he broke cover at Dogwood Underuiore? Why, think yon, she broke up the hunt? Let me whisper It to you in small type Tbe fox was not her little gaaiel O THE SEX! Mowly they galloped along together, the white gelding leading. For, in this instance, Lillith's gray mare was not the better horse. !4'Kate," spoke Lillith, "I've been courting jou nigh upon three years, and now there's an other lad come into court. Mayhap you think nie a ladder. It is time you said me yes or no. I love you, Kate, and how could you be so cruel as love any other man t There, let me get off my horse and lie down ou the stubble, and you ride over me. I would rather have you trample on my r.bs than below the belt; but choose your own turnpike, Dearest ani any wav, I've a po.icy of insurance acainst accidents in my pocket. Wilt have nie, Kate?" (That was the way they made love on horse back in the middle aees, before the invention of iariors and easy-chairs and bay-windows and turbine vi ater-whe-els.) Miss Phaeton turned her gloiious eyes upon her lover. "What think you, Lillith, ot the Doctrine or Xiansubstautiation?" said she softly, looking him dreamily iu the faep. Lillith muttered a word which, under the cir cumstances, might be called an allowable rhyme, and dashing the Spur into his horse, rodu fiercely away. A casual ob-erver might have thought Miss Phaeton was looking after him. Not so; the peculiarity ot those' grand nud benuulul orbs again came iu; she saw but the moon CHAPTER II. Miss Piiactou rode home, and found another lover's horse at the eate. She. smiled: "Two beaux on a string are quite as good as two strings to a bow," ibonoht she. Old Joe, the groom, who had served Ions and faithfully in the family on board wages, hobbled out: "Mistress Kate," said he, ''have you seen Litlun Lank anywheres V The young lady colored at this question, and replied she didn't know. This was one ot woman's white lies. "But why ?" she asked. "Why ?" repeated old Joe; "all the girls in i town be runnin' after un now. The btinds be ; down at Bolton Hall, and they do say as 'ow ! tbe old Squire be deai'. Here be a letter sealed ' with Blnck for Mister Lillith." ' Miss Phaeton took the letter, opened and read it. The news was brief but good, and the ! grand aud glorious orbs brishtened. Old Mr. ; Churlton was dead, and Lillith was heir to j Bolton Hall. Carefully repealing the letter, she ! told Joe t drop it into the post-otlice, and bolted into the house. In the hall she met George Neverill. He was a young man, handsome and accomplished; baa travelled on the Continent and in America; had made love to all the woraeu he met, and was in nowise troubled with bashfulneiss nor doubt ot his own merits and good looks. "I love you, Kate," said he, putting his arm ' round the young lady's waist. "I love you I better than I loved Muni, or Marguerite, or isa- bella, or Beatrice, or Dorothy Jane the latter ' being a native of Maine. And the prile of i Cucuniberlaud, and pearl of all other binds, I has but to say the word to be mistress of my j heart and of lionaton Orange. Wilt be my wife, Kate?" Honiton Orange suggested Honitou lace, and ; the line of the young lady's mouth relaxed. I There was a sound as oi "P'fteen," a succes sion of similar sounds, decies repetita placebU - and Miss Phaeton dreamily wiped her lips. "Wilt do me a iavor, George ?" mtid she. "As," replied he, "an' it be not to shave my head nud turn priest." "Scest yonder horseman, on the grey mare? ne is leaving me country, jtiae alter ami bring him back." "Av." and George Neverlll left with alacrity. But be returned with alacrity, and came in without rappini;. "Is not you gentleman Liflith Lank ?" "Ay," said Kate quietly "And you wish 1 should bring him back to you that you may " "Many him," put in Kate, looking dreamily hibiscus. Geprge Neverlll reached out his hand and shooks hers warmly. "1 admire coolness," said he, "and this suits me exactly. But go after him you, and ride my piebald charger." "lou are a preut chevalier" said Kate; "ex cuse nie a moment," and vanished promising to be back in live minutes. G'eorge Neverill stood alone. "Cest un peu for," uiuttcrc-d Le to himself. Five minutes paed, fifteen, twenty, thirty, sixty; it was hard upon his dinner hour, and there was none i?k L,lmut0 tarry &nd dine. Mounting Miss h.a( ' n 8 horse which stood at the gate, he rode thoughtfully home, telling old Joe it was all right, and giving him a bhilling to drink to bits wedding with Miss Phaeton. iu me meanwhile. Knto hoi n...ui vie fith, and explained to him that she would XUt it." IIo a "think about n Th TrV' t0, take tbe vel' himself, if it would at all avail or conduce to her happt- Cathofics BrUnd thm were t0 e Roman Jn a delightful frame nf mind lr;, r,i stroke of the dinner hour V',.. jiuu wuueu ner return ,.. that he was a good-natuied 'and handsome d low. On being told that he had ridden the K? S Mi i TXT, CHAPTER III. Civilization has mauy meters 5nmMimes these meters imbrue their hands th each otffi blood-and all for tho wau Tof 2 interna- & 1 letTe'reL or nfomaion on this head, let me refer you to my book called the Eighth Commandment. Iu the present ene my Masterpiece-1 intend to treat S of the Seventh and its infractions. 7 The reader will readily infer that this is not a child's book especially a little girl's book It Is not a boatful ot pap and paps should be "care iul about introducing it into the nursery. FraT monitus pramunttus. J Mce the row when. George Neverill rode into tbe yard of the Itocbuck on Mi-s Phaeton's great white gelding. "You are a liar, and a scoundrel!" cried Llf fith, striding up to u m. It was hard to be worsted In a horse-trade and then accosted in tins abrupt way by a rival. Geort'P Neverill ground his teeth as though he would make meal of his adversary. The rivals niensnred eiich o her from head to foot (with a small tape-line which wns kindly furnished by one ol the waiteis), and Liflith, finding himself a half inch tbe taller, hesitatrd no longer, but struck straight out from tbe shoulder. Amid the darkness which, overshadowed Neverill's vision this glittered: Tost recognize the constellation, gentle reader ? There are other Southern Crosses in our univeise besides Mulattoes. "It is Never too Late to Mend,'' said Neverill, as he picked up his broken nose and left the ring. A JEWEL OF A GIRL, D01N0 THE POLITE AT A DUEL. At this moment the piebald charger stepped quietly In and stood between the levelled pistols. There were two simultaneous reports. Miss Phaeton, who never believed reports, paid do attention to either, but caught the bullets grace fully, one in each band, and returned them with her compliments to the two duellists. Liflith upon his scratched these words: "i love Kale " and swallowed jt. This act of gallantry, and the patent fact that he was entirely in the wrong in the quarrel, moved Kate in his favor. "How sweet 1" she cried. "Ay, Sugar of Lead," muttered the Scotch surgeon, who happened to be none other than our old acquaintance in the hard cash times, Dr. Sampson. Neverill didn't make much out of the ball; but he swopped horses again, and got back the piebald charger. CHAPTER V. None so blind as those that CAN'T ee ! A pleasant party was assembled in the late Mr. Churllon's parlor to hear the will read. To his faithful servauts the deceased gentle man left a shilling each; to an illegitimate son his old clothes, cut in the fashion of a preceding generation, and the family seal; to Liflith Lank a lock of his hair, and to Miss Phaeton ail the balance of his estate, real and personal. Among others who came to congratulate Miss Phaeton came Lillith, sorrowful and seedy. She looked at him a monent, more In sorrow than in anger, i'oiwt d'aryent, point de Suisse; no money, no point lace and Swiss muslin, thought she, but ber better nature prevailed. There was enough for two, and her life was monotonous; theretofore her amusements had chiefly con sisted in working figures of saints on samplers, and confessing to Father Francis. A husband would be a pleasant variety, she thought. And Neverill helped the thing along. He pro rosed that she should give Liflith all of his and her property, and marry him Neverlll. Again tne peculiarity of the grand and beautiful orbs came iu. Kate looked him dreamily in the eyes, but she did not see him Nor did she see IT So she wrote Liflith a note, asking hlra to call on her as soon as convenient, and to come sober. Unfortunately Liflith, on receiving the note, was so iirunic mat; no couiu 1101 reuu u. nuw ever, a kind and sober patson, named Bden, read it for bim. After lying in a snow-bank for an hour or two, which made him feel quite fresh and comfortable and presentable, he contrived lo stagger beneath Mies Phaeton's window. She put her lovely head out, utterly regardless of the climate, the season, and a neuralgia, to rorriNG. showing what the extbact op pop corn DOES. which she was subject of old. "Art there?" said she. "Speak, dearest" Straightening himself up against the turret, honest Lillith hiccoughed, "I (hie) I (hie) I love (hie, blc, hie) Kate, (hie, hie, hie, hie)." Tbe thing was done, and Kate was captivated. Wrong in the quarrel, poor as a crow, drunk as a beast, and everybody urging her to marry somebody else, her affections at once centred on Liflith. So tbe next morning Neverill got a note, the contents of which ran much as follows: "It having suddenly oceurrod to me that you wovld like to marry me, I have consulted Lillith to whom I have been engaged for three years past nd be th'nks you would, brother Leonard teen nothing wrong in it, inoliulntr to view it as laud b'e anibitionj but Liflith and Father Fmnots'vlevy the matter in a different Jixbt. for my part, I am very much surpri-.ed, for I have done nothing to CIIArTEU IV. I The very next day, Mr. Chouptrifln took ad vr.i.'age of an errand in the neighborhood, and K (ie over to see Miss Phaeton. Mr. Chotiteman was a highly respertable rolicitor, who had obtained the portion ot , imst and conndcuee bo occupied, by riding a rnund the country on convenient errands, and inducting young lady acquaintances into the secrets of his clients. So the very next day he rode over to Miss Phaeton, and told her she was in luck. "How ?" queried she. "Two young men are going to fight a du d to the death for jou." "Liflith and George?" she carelessly asked, riacking a hickory nut with her white anddeli cutP teeth. "A ; and both have made their wills in your favor. So if either be killed " "And if both?" said Miss Thaeton, with tho old dreariiy look in her eyes ' You have two eotates," said Chouseman, rubbing his hands. "But not one husband." remarked Miss Phae ton thoughtfully. "Tell them to saddle the piebald charger ,"" she Immediately cried, turn ing to an attendant. The two combatants were on the ground, ear nestly wishing that some peace ollicer would come' In and arrest an atlali which hud already gone quite far enough to be pleasaut. Two shots had been exchanged, to the imminent peril of the seconds, who bad both posted themselves behind trees while giving the word tor the third nre. "Are you ready ?" t "Yes." "Yes." deserve snch treatment. Bnt I fortrive von. Fare well. Bo virtuous join tbe Roman Catholic Church, and you will be happy. "P. 8. I am afraid yon will think me a coquette, but I do riot think 1 am one. "P. P. 8. I wish you would tret me a fow skeins of worsted of the inclosed nattcm. "P. V. s.U you shaved your head, perhaps you wouia ieei Detter." "And what answer will you make?" said Father Francis, who delivered the note. "Answer I I'll not waste a postage-stamp, ii an n, ' growiea tieorge. ' "t? 1 1 , I'll aam. IK. maceona I) a n 1 ,1 f 1, rt i.tal AJUb Ik 1.011 J ijjg uiQonf;Vi om tilt, 1 11 . c w "Then here's my reply," said George, grinding his teeth (perhaps because he couldn't have a mill with his rival), "she's old enough to under- stund l rencb, if she doesn't, leli her. "Le jen ne vaut pas la chandelle." "I'm not the first sold by a damsel." And with that he walked moodily away. He looked at the sky, and the stars seemed to smile at bis anguish. Cold and pitiless, the pale moon looked dowfl upon his woe. Longinely he looked for a sign to assuage the grief which gnawed at his heart. Suddenly his eye brightened. Would you behold this great discovery, the same in magnitude and appearance as it met the eyes ot the first discoverers, dragged with a rake from the bottom of a bay, opened with a knile, and swallowed by an adventurous mortal, after successive generations had parsed it by without deeming it succulent t Then tnrn your eyes hither, for here it is. Sold, In the cellar he found compensation. CHAPTER VI. Liflith made a tolerably good husband, as husbands went in thosedajs. Generally he was able to get up-stairs after dinner without more than two servants to assist him, and he very seldom got into bed without taking off his boots. When he did, he was especially careful to re move bis spurs. On one occasion, when Liflith forgot himself with both epurs and boots, Mrs. Lank remon strated with him; buthe turned upon her, and railed her A PRURIENT PRUDE, and threat ei.ed to drag her before the public; seeing her error, she confessed it. On the whole, their n arned life rippled on about as happily as ever manied life does. He main trouble was about "help." Mm. Lank vas prejudiced against good-looking chambermsius, and Liflith was opposed to Poman Catholic serving-men, who excelled in polish in everything, except in the mutter of polishing boots. This brings us to the opening ol our story. "I say, the hussy shall pack," Mrs. Lank had remarked. fcihe bad asked him, a few seconds previously, to bring out his viol da gambd. Alas! her speech Lad the effect of bringing out a vial Of wrath 1 "Sny I, then, that losel shall never blacken niy boots again." "Say I, then, they are my boots, and not yours, and that faithful serviug-nian shall brighten them whenever he will." Here Mrs. Lsnk was wrong. Because she paid or the boots, by no means did it follow that throw them she should every morning in her husband's face. Nor, strictly speaking by the letter of the law, were they her boots, whether Caid she for them or not. As well have claimed is breeches, might she, and these she could no more have lilled than bis boots. Aut nunquam tentes, autperflce. Besides, for the matter of that, they were not boots at all; they were A PAIR OF HOB-NAILED SHOES. Sometimes Liflith thought that he had got an elephant ou his hands that he might as woll have married Mademoiselle D'jek for ut times he did indeed feel much dejected and been a Jack of all Trades at once. Mrs. Lank had in her employ a lady named Ryder and ride her mistress she did with a ven geance. In combing Mrs. I.ank's long and beau tiful hair, she tangled and pulled it viciously; capillary attraction exerted its force to soften her obdurate heart in vain. Ask you why Ryder was so relentless uuu remorseless r yne loved LHlith, and pulling bis wile's hair was the only way she had of showing it. Causa latet, vis est no'issima. If C0MBIN0 IT RATTIER RTR"N(1. In short. Kyder was a Dangerous Female, ani I would not like to ride alone with heron one of the English railways, where the carriages, you must know are small, and seldom filled. Not content with pulling out her mistress' hair, she was always aud iorevcr putting tleas iu her mas ter's ear. It may not have been before remarked by our reader, but Lillith's chief besetting sin aside from his unfortunate habit ol getting drunk v,as luuacy. On the subject of priests he was mononiauiacal. He had a way of strangling them when they ventured upon his grounds, which was not only inconvenient to the priests, but distasteful as well to his wife, who had a remarkable respect and fondness for the cloth sending them soups and gravies till one might have thought it was a table-cloth. And Ryder was always egging him on. One day she nagged and egged him so much that he determined to break the yolk. So he collared a poor devil of a priest, with whom his wife happened to be discuslng the vicarious Eowers of the Pope, and shook and trampled im till there was seemingly no life left in bun. Block and blue and livid, those who picked the poor priest up thoughtlie was Buttering from, an attack ol the Malignant Collarer. So Lillitb, thinking he had killed his man, fled the county, taking with bim all his wife's jewels. In his desperation he never drew brtdle relu till he reached an inn in the next county, a good twenty miles away, called the "Pack horse." (Why he did not go further know I not, but perchance he was tearful of faring worse.) There he proceeded to unpack, and, haying nothing better to do, fell to drinking ou an en pty stomach, until he drank hlnself into a brain-fever. Liflith was always In luck, and at this inn he found another womau with grand and beautiful orbs. But this was a dove-eyed angel. When Mercy Vintner looked at tbines she saw then, which was mare than could be said of Mrs. Lank. Had not LifTith possessed the constitution of a horse, he would have succumbed to the fever. And perhaps it wa9 because of his possessing the constitution of ahorse that a farrier suc ceeded iu curing him alter a regular physician had given him up. Similia similibus curontur. Any way, what with Mercy's nursing, and the p limber and aloes which the farrier prescribed for him, Liflith got sufficiently well to decline wearing the shroud which a kind old lady was embroidering for him, and call for a shirt. The next thing he called fur was a parson, ani he and Mercy were made one, much to the de light of the parents, who thought that such a son-in-law behind the bar would bring custom to the "Packhorse." Had they known hla habits, they would have trembled on trusting him with the keys. For than Litnth there were lew squarer drinkers in the country. The farrier, who had been engaged to Mercy, came in just as the ceremony was over. For a moment, he stared wofully at the picture, and then said very drily: -"I am too late for the wedding and too early for the funeral, me thinks." "That you bo, Paul," said Mrs. Vintner cheer fully, "she is meet for your master." "If he be tafcen sick again, the Devil may dose him," growled Paul, aiid leaving the room in disgust he withdrew his custom from the "Packhorse" forever. On being asked the reai-on, be replied that he did not like the new Bar Keeper. CHAPTER VII. liflith might have shown his gratitude to Mercy in a better way than marrying her, when he knew very woll that he had a wile and child in the next county. It was scarcely the right thing to do; for there is a popular prejudice against a man having two wives, and one should always endeavor to con form to the customs of society. But I am. writing of a period with which Fielding dealt, and cannot forget my double character of moralist and artist. "Liflith Lank" Is no worse than "Tom Jones" or "Ferdinand Count Fathom," So, while all these lellows are bat ting at me, why do they not do a little Fielding ? This tale hath floated the "Argosy," and sus tained the "Atlantic." The reader will remark that I have floated the floater. In deference to the absurd prejudices of society I have already omitted a great deal that would have added to the interest cf tbe story and its success among the masses exempli gratia, the Mrs. Potiphar business between Ryder and Liflith. All this I intend to publish in a sequel, if the matter can be satisfactorily arranged with my publishers. And it can be, without doubt. For it is a mistake to suppose that I consult them or any one else regarding tho morality of w hat I write. The only thing I discuss with them is bulk and price principally bulk. For 1 am an artist as well as a moralist, and art tcnga, etc. my art chiefly displays itself in the length of my stories. Verbum sap. To return to my story. Matters did not go on very thrivingly at the "Packhorse" after the marriage The prudent parents, who had thought that Lillith was a highwayman, and would bring purses home occasionally, found to their great disappointment that he was a gentleman, and exceedingly awkward behind the bar. Moreover, he drank like a fish; nay, he drank not like a fish, for a tish drinks but water, and little ot that drank Liflith. It was ale and sack and sherry possets, until everything was empty. He Ornnk thera out of house and home, and creditors threateaed to sell out the "Packhorse." Reproached by Mr. Vintner, Liflith requested the old man to cease his taunts, and proposed to buy him out. To this a ready agreement waa made, for the "Packhorse" was old, and the sign needed new painting, and tbe custom was poor. The best customer was Liflith, but he did not even charge himself with whathe drank. The question of price was soon settled; that of bulk hud already been disposed of, for it was in bulk that the inn was bought, and the only thing that remained was payment. It became a question oi cueb, VERY llAltD CASH. At mention of this, Liflith's face fell. For he had spent all the money he took from the priest at leaving, and what he had raised from selling and pawning his other wife's jewels. Suddenly a brilliant idea occurred to him. He would go back to that other wife and borrow of her enough money to set himself and this one up in business. So it is the words of the old song came true, "Nous revanons loujoura A nos premiers amoui a." And he saddled his great black bojwe and set off to see the other Mrs. Lank. Uis father-in-law, who thought be was going out to the high road to follow his oU trade of "stand and deliver," bade bim God-speed, but the dove eyed angel sighed. For he might come to grief, thought she, and it would not be pleasant to bo widow of a rii an who was hanged. Liflith delayed two days upon the road, for he began to feel he was riding on an awkward errand. Having turned over in his mind the way he should conduct tbe disagreeable but necessary business, he determined to conduct it upon business principles only, and if collate rals and an indorser were required, to get his father-in-law to back his paper. Singularly enough, he found his wife exactly w here he bad loft her. She was looking care fully over the giouud, in accordance with her usual custom, to find the purse thut ha i been
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