Millheim Journal. (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, April 10, 1884, Image 1

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    THE MILMIEIM JOURNAL,
PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY BY
R>. A.. BUMILLER.
Office ill the New Journal Building,
Pen n St., near 11 art ma n V foundry.
SI.OO PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE,
OR $1.26 IF NOT PAID IN ADVANCE.
Acceptable Corrapoiitoco Solicited
Address letters to MILMIEIM JOURNAL.
BUSIXESS CA nDS.
AHARTER,
.
Auctioneer,
MILLHEIM, PA.
DR. JOHN F. BARTER.
Practical Dentist,
office opposite the Methodist Church.
MAIN STREET, MILLHEIM PA.
D R I). H. MINGLE.
Physician & Surgeon,
Offilce on Main Street.
MILLHEIM, PA
J. SPRINGER,
Fashionable Barber,
Shop oppoisite the Millheim Banking House.
MAIN STREET, MILLHEIM, PA.
GEO. S. FRANK,
Physician & Surgeon,
RKBERSBURG, PA.
Prolessional calls promptly answered. 3m
D. H. Hastings. W. F. Reeder
JJASTINGS & REEDER,
Attornejs-al-Law,
BELLEFONTE, PA.
Office on Allegheny Street, two doors east of
the office ocupied by the late firm of Yocum &
Hastings.
C. T. Alexander. C. M. Bower.
Attorney-at-Laiv,
BELLEFONTE, PA.
Office in Garman's new building.
Attorney-at-Law.
BELLEFONTE, PA.
Orphans' Court Business a*Speciality-
C. HEINLE,
Attorncy-at-Law
BELLEFONTE, PA.
Practices in all the courts of Centre county.
Special attention to Collections. Consultations
in German or English.
J. A. Beaver. J - W. Gephart
"GEAVER & GEPHART,
Altorneys-at-Law,
BELLEFONTE, PA.
Office on Alleghany Street. North of High Street
JGROC'KERLIOFF HOUSE,
ALLEGHENY ST., BELLEFONTE, PA.
C. G. McMILLEN,
PROPRIETOR.
Good Sample Room on First Floor. Free
Buss to and from alt trains. Special rates to
witnesses and jurors.
QUMMINS HOUSE,
Bisaop srztEEr, BELLEFONT, PA.,
EMANUEL BROWN,
1
PROPRIETOR.
House newly refitted and refurnished. Ev
erything done to make guests comfortable.
Rates moderate. Patronage respectfully solici
ted. 5-ly
JRVIN HOUSE,
(Most Central Jlotel in the city.)
CORNER OF MAIN AND~JAY STREETS,
LOCK HA YEN, PA.
S.WOODS CALDWELL
PROPRIETOR.
Good Sample Rooms for Commercial Travel
ers on first floor.
QT. ELMO IIOTEL,
AOS. 317 & 319 ARCH ST.,
PHILADELPHIA.
RATESREDUCEDTOS2.OO PER DAY.
The traveling public will still find at this
Hotel the same libera! provision for their com
fort. It is located in the immediate centres of
business and places of amusement and the dif
ferent Rail-Road depots, as well as all parts oi
the city, are easily accessible by street Cars
constantly passing the doors. It oilers special
inducements to those visiting the city for busi
ness or pleasure.
Your patronage respectfully solicited.
Jos. M.' Feger. Proprietor.
JpEABODY HOTEL,
9thSt. South of Chestnut,
PHILADELPHIA.
One Square South of the New Post
Office, one half Square from Walnut
St. Theatre and in the very business
centre of the city. On the American
and European plans. Good rooms
fiom 50cts to 53.00 per day. Remodel
ed and newly furnished.
W. PAINE, M. D.,
48-l.v Owner & Proprietor,
R. A. BUMILLER, E 'itor.
VOL. 58.
The Old Clock on the Stairs.
Somewhat back from the village street,
Stands the old fashioned country-seat:
Across its antique portion
Tall poplar trees their shadows throw:
Ami from its station, in the hall.
An ancient time pieoe says to all:
"Forever—never'
Never—tore ver!"
Half-way up the stairs it stands.
Ami points and herkqns vn(h its hands,
From Its ca-e of massive oak,
l.tke a monk, who (under his cloak)
Crosses Idmself. and sighs. " Alas!"
With sorrowful voice to all who pass;
"Forever -never!
Never—forever!"
Ity day its voice is low and light;
Hut In the silent dead of ulht.
Distinct, as a p footstep's fall.
It echoes along the vacant iiall—
Along the ceiling—along the floor—
And seems to say at each chamber door:
"Forever—never!
Never—forever!"
In that mansion used to be
Five hearted Hospitality:
His preat tires ly the chimney roared:
Tiie stranger feasted at his board:
But, like the skeleton at the feast.
The warning tune-piece ceased:
"Forever—never!
Never—forever!"
Three groups of merry children played;
Three Youths and maidens.dreaming.strayed
O precious hours! O polden prime!
And influence of love and time!
Even as a miser counts ins pold.
Those hours the precious time piece told
'•Forever—never!
Never—forever!"
From that chamber, clothed in white.
The brido came forth on her wedding ni tht,
There, in that silent room, below.
The dead lay in its shroud of snow;
Ami in the hush that followed the prayer.
Was heard the old clock on the stair:
"Forever—never!
Never—l'orever!"
All are scattered now and fled;
Some are married—some are dead:
And when 1 ask. with throbs of pain.
"Ah! when shall they all meet again.
As in the days long since gone by ?"
The ancient lime-piece m ikes reply:
"Forever—never!
Never—forever!"
Never here—forever there—
Where all parting, nam, and care.
And death, and tune, shall disappear—
Forever there—but never here!
The horologe of eternity
Nayeth tills incessantly:
"Forever—never!
N ever—forever!"
A RIGHTEOUS RETRI
BUTION.
"Miriam Green, I atn astonished !"
said Aunt Jane.
"Oli, but, Aunt Jane, T couldn't help
it T " said Miriam, laughing.
But, at the same time, she colored
very red, and luiug down her pretty
head.
There was no denying this offense.
It was patent to all the world—ol. at
least, to all that part of it who might
happen to be on the edge of Raven
Woods.
There was Miriam Green up in the
top of the old oak tree, which i eared
its proud crest, an Absalom among its
gold-leaved brelhern, iter curls all tan
gled, her apron filled with treasures of
dark-green mistletoe. There was Aunt
Jane, standing in the little, open clear
ing, with hands uplifted, eyes opened
in the widest of disapproving glares,
and sunbonnet fallen over back warn 011
her shoulders.
"Your frock's all torn !" enunciated
the old lady.
"I can easily mend it again."
"And your hair blown into a tau
gle."
"Oh, Aunt Jane, that is nothing !"
pleaded Miriam.
But the old lady would listen to 1.0
argument.
"You were sixteen yesterday," said
she. "You are old enough to know
better. And you shall be made to
know better ! I will punish you for
this piece of inexcusable hoydenism 1"
Miriam's blue eyes grew big.
Surely Aunt Jane couldn't shake her,
or shut her up in the garret with a
page of "Watt's Hymns" to learn, or
—worst alternative of all—put her on
a short allowance of apple-pie at din
ner.
For pretty Miriam was still child e
nongh to regard any of these occurren
ces as a serious misfortune, and one
greatly to be deprecated.
But while she was yet in the agonies
of apprehension, the question was de
finitely determined by Aunt Jane's ad
vancing to the foot of the oak-tree and
pulling away the ladder that bad serv
ed as a means to reach the fi st bough,
a ragged mass of folliage some twenty
feet up from the 100-IS. Below that,
the trunk extended down as perpendic
ular and free of side growth as a tele
graph pole.
"There I-'said Aunt Jane "since you
were so anxious lo climb the tree after
mistletoe, you may remain there and
think it over at your leisure. I will
come back this evening and put back
the ladder."
Miriam uttered a little cry.
"Please, Aunt Jane, don't go off !"
she appealed, "I'll never do so any
more. Please forgive me, just this
once 1"
But Aunt Jane was inexorable.
With slow majesty, she strode out of
the opening and was gone, even while
Miriam's piteous voice quivered on the
air*
There she sat perelied on a horizon
tal bough, clinging to the taper-trunk
of the tree, and swayed to and fro in
the gentle October breizos. It had
been a most fascinating position a few
minutes ago ; now it was frightful and
perilous in the extremest degiee.
Was it an hour was it ten ? or pos
MILLHEIM, PA., THURSDAY, APRIL 10., 1884.
sihlv only fifteen minutes ? Like the
Prismcr of Oiilliou our poor little cap
tive had lost, all power of calculating
tune. Bit just as the round sun lint) i
like a ball or ornate 11 one above the
western woods, there was the sound
of quick footsteps crashing over fallen
twigs and ct isp autumn leaves below.
"It's John Font coming home from
hunting," Miriam said to herself, with
a quick breath. "Oh, I do hope he
won't see me !"
She shrunk close to the trunk of the
tiee, and tried to seem as mucu like a
big bunch of mistletoes as possible.
But it was useless. John Ford's keen
eyes were too well used to woodcraft
and all pertaining Lo it, to overlook
her. lie .-topped short at the entrance
to the glade.
'•Miriam Gn on !" he exclaimed.
"Yes," said the girl, laughing a lit
tle hysteiically. "Zaccheus he—"
"And lam Zaccheus, and now I
can't got down."
"Oh !" said Mr. Ford. "The ladder
fell, did it ?"
"Y-yes," said Mirian, turning very
red. "The ladder fell down."
"I'll put it up for you," said F >rd.
"Do !" said Miriam,laughing to her
self, as she thought of Aunt Jane.
lie swung the ladder promptly up
against the trunk of the tree.
"Now, it's all right," said he. "I'll
just go oyer to see that the dogs haven't
frightened Mrs. Morey's young turk
eys, and wait for you outside the
woods.
In five minutes Miriam Green was by
his sjde, rosy and breathless,still cling'
ing to her apronful of mistletoe.
"Oh, I am si much obliged to you !"
said she, earnestly.
"What will Aunt Jane sty ?" said
Miriam, involuntaiily.
"She'll be very much alinued, won't
she ?"
"No," confessed Miriam. "She
that is—Oh, Mr. Ford, I can't deceive
you about it !"
And she told him all.
"Of course, it wai very wrong to
disobey her," she added, "Put—"
"Jl/y poor little Miriam ! My sweet
frightened darling !" crie-.l John Ford
passing his strong arm around her
waist. "She was a perfect dragooness
to torment you s > 1"
"But I belong to her," said the girl,
innocently. "I have no other home
but her house."
"Then belong to me,henceforward,"
he said, teudeily looking down into
her blue, Urnpi I eyes. "Surely, you
cannot have filed to discover how
deeply I love you ! llereaLer you are
mine !"
Miriam Gieen, young as she was,
had often dreamed of the pathway in
which love should come to her, but it
had never seemed like this !
"But," she s'aminered, "what will
your uncle say ?"
"What should lie say ?" calmly le
torted her lover. "Ford Court is
mine. My uncle is only my beloved
and honored guest. Besides, he loves
me so genuinely that my happiness
cannot but be his. And—But what is
this V"
They lad by Ibis time reached the
solid stone wall which divided the
grounds of Foul Court from the woods,
and Iheie ptrclud upon its height—a
feminine Styli'es-was Aunt J me,
with a basket in her hand, half full of
the barberries which she had gathered
from tho huge bushe3 that made a
seal let-dotted screen inside, while
stretched prone on the grass at the
foot oi the wall lay old Major Fold's
monster bloodhound, Gelert. lIP
looked around and wnggul his tail
slowly at the sight of John, but did
stir otherwise.
"Aunt Jane," said Miriam, "what
are you doing on top of the wall,
there V"
"J—l only wanted a few barberries
to put in my cucumb .r pickles," stam
mered Aunt Jane ready to burst into
tears. "And—and I didn't suppose
there was any harm in gathering them
here. I've picked pecks and pecks of
barbeiies off tlism very bushes and
nobody said a word. And I was just
reaching up for the finest, when up
comes a cross old savage and asks me
what I mean by stealing fruit, aad
leaves me here with this horrid, snarl
ing brute to watch me—just as if I was
a tramp—while lie goes for a constable!
I never was so treated in rny life !
And, the more I try to jump off, the
more the dog shows Ins teeth at me,
and giowls. He'd tear ran in pieces if
I stirred a foot in any direction, I do
believe
"My Unc'e Ford," whispered John
to Miriam. "lie is a positive mono
maniac on the subject of fruit thieves ?
The park bristles with man-traps, and
there is a dog chained under every ap
ple tree .in ilie premises. But it's 100
bad that lie should have taken vour
auut for one of the village purloiners !
Gelert ? co.oe here this instant sir ! [
assure you, Miss Green" (to* Aunt
Jane, who between her fatigue was on
A PAPER FOB THE HOME CIRCLE
the verge of fainting.) "my uncle will
be the BIOS' gi loved of any one, when
he learns what a inisappiehetiaion be
lias been laboring under. Allow me to
help yon down. Take care— don't spill
the barberries !"
"Dear Aunt Jane I" soothed Miriam,
receiving the old lady in her arms,
"how Lightened you must have
been 1"
"Oh, Miriam, forgive me !" sobbed
the old ladv behind her sunbonnet. "1
•—I didn't know how dreadful it was,
or I never, never would li ive pulled
the ladder down and left you there 1
It's a righteous retribution 011 me,
that's what it is !"
"Oh, aunty, don't fret about that
said Miriam, radiantly. "It's all right
now. Mr. Ford came along and put up
the 1 tdder again, and—and I'm engag
ed to be married to him ! Don't look
so surprised. Aunt Jane ! I know I've
told it in a jeiky sort of way, but it all
happened as naturally as possible.
Didn't it, John ?"
And then followed congratulations
and explanations and finally the bum
ble apologies of Major Ford, a testy old
gentleman of sixty odd years who just
then arrived 0:1 the scene, accompa
nied by the village constable.
"I'm suie I beg a thousand pardons!"
said Major Ford. 'But how was I to
know ? I'm \ stranger in these parts;
you know, and half the fruit-trees were
stripped last night,"
And Aunt Jane received his acknow
ledgement in frigid silence.
"A lady is a lady," she said to her
niece, afterward," even if she has
climbed 011 a stone-wall to gather bar
bel ries ! And no one but a semi bar
barian could mistake her for anything
e!s" !"
And Miriam Green was too happy in
her own new bora felicity to argue the
questions with her auut.
Varieties of Beggars.
Each city has its own style. The
Venetian child is noted for persistence
in simple asking with a whine. The
Florentine has quite as great staying
quantities, with a more artistic whine
and more eloquence in his tone, and
can show sores to better advantage
than the others. The Florentine is an
artistic vagabond who begs by rule.
He makes no mistakes. He is got up
with special reference to begging, and
he is as keen at it as a Wall street
broker is at his trade lie looks hun
gry, he acts hungry, he shivers as
naturally as though he was perishing
with cold,and when you pass by with
out responding to his appeal he looks
at you with reproachful eyes half full
of tears, as though you had commit
ted the unpardonablesin of which he
was the victim.
The Roman beggar attempts to
wheedle you out of a copper by sheer,
good-natured impudence. He will
commence with a whine of famine,but
being looked squarely in the face will
abandon the role of the starving suff
erer and take 011 that of the buffoon,
lie will limp and whine for a minute
and then burst out into a laugh and
then turn a handspring. He follows
you as long as either of the others,
and is quite as annoying, but lie does
it in a different way.
The Roman beggar lias, it must be
confessed, a certain financial ability
which cannot be too much admired.
He never begs of an Italian, for he
knows it avail him nothing, the
etiquette being as it was in the old
days of highway robbery in England,
the highwayman never stopping one
of his profession. The farthest they
go in this with each other is, the beg
gar will come into a resturant where
an Italian is taking an econom
ical breakfast 011 coffee and bread,and
modestly ask for what sugar he does
not use in his coffee.ln restaurants so
many lumps of sugar arc given for
each portion of coffee, and it is the
regular thing to put any surplus
there may be in the pocket. As this
is inconvenient the good-natured man
will give the extra lumps to the for
tunate beggar who may happen in at
the right time. Two or three lumps
of sugar is quite a find for these pick
crs-up of unconsidered trifles, and by
haunting the cafes all the morning,
and from 4 in the afternoon a very
fair living is obtained.
Not the horsehe wanted.—Tiie Mich
igan man who counted the number of
grains of wheat in a quart measure and
then competed in a prize guess of a De
troit clothing firm for a fine horse, was
disappointed when lie found that the
prize was only a clothes-horse. He lias
brought suit to recover the value of a
live animal.
A CONGRESSMAN'S EARLY
LIFE.
There is a member of the present Cou
giefH,representing a district in Califor
nia whose early life was spised with
more 1 angeroiiA expei fences than fall
to the lt <>f most mortals
He began life by being born in Ar
kansas ; and lie possessed for a father
one of those ideal squatters of that ear
ly day, whom Colonel Faulkner, in his
"ArKansaw Traveler," his impressed
up in the mind of the country.
Of course, when this embryo Con
gressman was born, he and bis mother
had to have the dry corner of the cab
in ; while llie old man limited coons,
played Uio fiddle, and slept under the
leaks.
However, if water was scarce in this
corner, milk was plenty ; ai.d be thriv
ed and soon got big enough to crawl
over on the old man's side of the house,
and knock blazes out of the tildla with
the fire shovel.
For this he got thrashed—and the
fight became general -resulting in the
fattier getting licked by tlm aroused fe
male of that palatial residence in tie
ten-acre clearing of the Commonwealth
of Arkansas.
This n Rurally made the proud spirit
ed pioneer sulky ; and hanging up the
demoralized fiddle, he took down his
Did rifle and strode away into the deep
forest for a "b'ar," or a "catermount,"
or something lie could manage—taking
with liiin seven of the dogs, and Lav
ing a large, fierce one to guard tiie cab
in and help the wife tackle any prowl
ing enemy that might lnppan along.
It was a wise pre,tut 101, without
which that particular Congressional
District in California, mentioned a
bove, would to-day be represented by
another man.
Tiutt afternoon, about three o'clock,
the future statssm*n crawled out at
the cabin door,into the bright sunshine
and laughed and crowed, while bis
mother was working indoors and the
dog lay asleep by the asli hopper.
A panther which had approached the
clearing, saw the child ; and creeping
nearer and nearer, it suddeniy pounced
upon the baby, and, seizing it by the
shoulder, turned to fly.
Of course the youngster supposed it
was some more than fiddle business,
and lie sq lulled lustily, startling both
iiis mother and the d<>g.
True to Arkansas principles,that dog
buckled in on the panther, quicker than
afl 311, and closed < n its throat. lie
had fought tiiis kind of animal before,
and he knew just where to take hold.
Dropping the child, which was not
hurt, the panther made a fierce fight
with the d >g. and was just on the point
of gaining the masteiy, when the wo
man rushed out with the gun, and,
b< j ing rather used to such business,stuck
the muzzle behind that panther's
shoulder, pulLd the trigger, and the
powder did the re3t.
That Arkansas family bad a dead
panther 011 their hands,but a live baby,
when the grateful father returned with
a lot of coons and other gamp, and joy
and peace again reigned.
But killing panthers and other game
that way, soon made life too tame in
that locality ; and our Congressman's
parents, with all their dogs, moved up
on the Missouri river, near where
Kansas City now stands.
This new location afforded anotlißr
luxury—catfis"—which may account
for the aforesaid Congressman being a
little fishy in politics.
Aside from this, life did not so
much differ from the old home.
Tlicy lived by that huge, treacher
ous Missouri and the old man
kept a dug-out of the largest size.
It was well he had the boat —for one
night they woke up and thought they
could feel the cabin shake, and the wa
ter splashed against it ; and two min
utes afterward the father had wade I
out waist deep In water to where the
boat was chained to a tree. Hastily
returning to the cabin door, he placed
his wife and four year old boy in it,and
vigorously paddled for high land
through the timbsr.
In ten minutes moic the log cabin
had plunged into the whirling, muddy
waters, that were sweeping everything
before tliern.
It was the same old story of the
treachery of that river. Suddenly ris
ing, it had cut its way through, back
of the cabin, and, uwdeimining the
soil,had swept tiie entire clearing away,
witli hundreds of of heayy limber
A narrow escape for the gentleman
from California.
Homeless, and with only three dags
for a fiesli start in life, our restless
pioneer struck out for the Far West,
and eventually drove down in the
mountain regions, near the headquart
ers of the Arkansas river.
It was beautiful summer when he
stopped and built bis cabin ; it was
beautiful white winter when he turned
his back on it, with his little five year
old boy in his arms, and wintered in a
Terms, SI.OO per Year, in Advance.
cave.
This was the saddest episode ot all
his rugged life. The father had gone
hunting up 01 the mountain side,
where he could look down and see his
little cabin nicely sheltered in a nook
under the cliff. Silently the snow be
gan to fall, hard and (lne as sand, and
so fast and thick that it shut out every
view, and forced the hunter to take
refuge in a caye, which lie had pre
viously found and prepared for emer
gencies.
Here the continual fall of snow forc
ed him to remain for two days,in dread
suspense as to the fate of his wife and
child.
On the third day he found the storm
abated, but saw to his horror that the
snow bad been blown from the moun
tain, and had drifted in the valley, un
til no vestige of his cabin could be seen
above its white surface.
As the mountain sides were almost
hare of snow, he hastily descended and
began the search for his little home.
At last lie saw an opening in the
snow, which was the chimney-top of
the cabin. Through it he quickly de
scended, and saw a sight that froze his
heart. The poor heroine of that lone
cottage, the wife and mother,had strip
ped the bed ai.a herself of clothing to
save tho life of her child ; and there
lay the little fellow, a'l bundled up id a
ball of clothing, asleep ; while on the
bed lay the mother—asleep, too—the
sl< ep that knows no waking.
The father dug a grave beneath the
dirt tl )or of the cabin, buried his wife
and, taking the boy, went back to the
cave, where there was plenty of fuel
and food, and remained until spring.
When the weather once more grew
warm, he wandered away, with the
restless spiiit of the pioneer.
Then the gold fever struck him, and
he ru3heu to California ; and then the
camp feyer struck him, and he passed
>n his checks— leaving an orphan who
lias fought his way through to Con
gress.
"I will now remark to dis club,"
said Brother Gardner, as he opened
the meeting, "dat de Hon. Jawback
Johnson, of Opelika, has arrove. He
reached Detroit two days ago on de
roof of a freight car,an' in a somewhat
carnivorous condition, an' as he
knocked on de doali of my cabin at
midnight I looked frew de winder an'
put on a pa'r o ? brass knuckles afore I
dared step out an' ax his name an'
bizness. I has filled him up wid meat
an' later, lent him a clean shirt dat
buttons behind an' a suit of cloze, an'
I would furder remark dat he 'pears
to be a pusson of transparent intelli
igence an' resplendid polish. Let us
listen to him wid anxus interest and
careless observashun."
The committee on reception then
donned their white gloves and claw
hammer coats and disappeared in
search of the stranger. Thcv found
him shivering with stage-fright in the
ante-room,and it was only after Give
adam Jones had threatened to loosen
the top of his head that lie consented
to enter the hall. Once in he braced
up, however, and after reaching the
platform and swallowing three pep
permint drops and a glass of water he
seemed to recover his native confi
dence and to forget that one end of his
collar was loose and sawing awav at
his chin.
I lis dissertation, which lasted near
ly an hour, began by showing the ad
vantages of truth, then after wrestling
with the evils of ambition, the necess
ity of economy, he struggled with the
disagreeable subject of industry,caus
ing many a scowl on the faces of his
auditors, and concluded as follows:
"I thank you with consummate air
ncstness for de skillful manner in
which you have evaded your attention
to my cubersomc remarks, an' I hope
dat de seed thus sown on stony
ground may sprout up an' yield sev
enty-five bushels to do acre.
When the speaker had been escort
ed from the hall Brother Gardner
said:
"De man who dares to pint out our
faults am a friend, an' let us receive
his criticisms as such. If I should
diskiver dat any of you war' lyin' in
wait inde alley to slug the Hon. Jaw
back Johnson as a reward of merit it
un very probable dat de orator
wouldn't be de only man hurt. We
will now abdicate."
A rolling stone gathers no moss,
but a rolling-pin in the right hands
will garner considerable hair.
NO. 15-
The Limo-Kiln Club.
(Detroit Free i'ren.)
NEWSPAPER LAWS.
If subscribers orcler the discontinuation Of
new#pp rs. the imolishers may continue to
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ADVERTramoltAras. "
1 wk. 1 mo. | 3 mos. 6nm 1 yea
1 square *2 on tlno | $5 no $ t>oo $8(0
M " "00 10 00 1500 3000 4000
1 " 1000 15 00 1 2500 4500 75 00
One inch makes a square. Administrators'
and Executors' Notices $2.50. Transient adver.
tiaement* end locals 10 cents per line for first
ins mion and o cents per line for each addition
al insertion.
HUmOBOIIS.
A colored individual who went
down on the slippery flags at the corn
er of Woodward auenue and Congress
street scrambled up and backed out in
to the street and took a long look to
wards the roof of the nearest building.
"You fell from that third-story win
dow!" remorked a pedestrian who had
witnessed the tumble. "Boss, I be
lieves yer!" was the prompt reply;
"but what puzzles me am de queshun
of how I got up dar an' why I was
leanin' out ob de winder!"— Detroit
Free Press.
She Renewed.
One of the Detroit sanitary police
was the other day wandering over a
box-full of dead cats in an alley off Sey
entli street, when he beard oaths and
yells and the sounds of conflict in a
a bouse near by. As he enteied, tne
yard, a man and a woman burst open
the side door and rolled down the steps
on a heap, kicking and clawing with
right good will. 44 What's the trouble
here?" asked the officer, as he pulled
them apart.
"There, I'm glad yoa happened a
long!" exclaimed the man, as he jump
ed up. 44 The old woman and me have
had a despute for the last fifteen years
as to when Christopher Columbus dis
covered America. Maybe you know."
"It was in 1492," replied the* officer.
"Just what I said—just the date I
had!" cried the husband, as he danced
around. "Now then, old woman, will
goti give up?"
"Neverl"
"You won't?"
"Not an inch! I said 1490, and I had
your neck across the edge of the step!
We agreed not to bite or scratch and I
prefer to renew the conflict rather than
take a stranger's figures! come in the
house!"
The officer waited at the gate until
lie heard two chairs smashed down and
a dozen yells, and then he resumed his
rounds with a growing conviction that
Columbus would ultimately be two
years ahead in that house.
An Ornament to the Profession.
•
A student applied the other day to
oi.e of the district courts for admission *
to practice. An examination committee
of one was appointed by the Judge to
ascertain his qualifications. The exam
ination began with:
44 D0 you smoke, sir?"
"I do, sir!"
"Have you a spare cigar?"
44 Yes."
"Now sir, what i$ the first duty of a
lawyer?"
"To collect fees."
"Right. What is the second?"
"To iucrease the number of his cli
ents." >
"When does your position toward
your client change?"
44 When making a bill of costs."
44 Explain."
44 We are then antagonistic. I as
sume the character of plaintiff and he
becomes the defendant."
44 A suit decided, how do you stand
with the lawyer conducting the other
side?"
4l C!ieek by jowl*"
"Enough,sir. you promise to become
an ornament to your profession, and I
wish you success, Now.are you aware
of the duty you owe me?"
44 Perfectly."
4 Describe it."
"It is to invite you to drink."
"But suppose I decline?"
Cai didate scratches his head.
4 'There is no instance of the kind on
record in the books."
44 You are right; and the confidence
with which you make the assertion
shows you have lead the law attentive
ly. Let's take a drink, and I'll sign
your certificate."
How Alligators Eat.
An alligator's throat is an animated
sewer. Everything which lodges in
his open mouth goes down. He is a
lazy dog, and, instead of hunting fcr
something to eat, he lets his yituals
hunt for him. That is, he lies with his
great mouth open, apparently dead,
like the 'possum. Soon a big bug crawls
into it, then aJly, then several gnats,
and a colony of mosquitoes. The alli
gator don't close his mouth yet. He is
waiting for a whole drove of things.
He does his eating by wholesale. A
little lizard will cool himself under the
shadow of the upper jaw. Then a few
frogs will hop up to catch the mosqui
toes. Then more mosquitoes and gnats
light on the frogs. Finally a whole
village of insects and reptiles settle
down for an afternoon picnic. Then
all at once there is an earthquake. The
big jaw falls, the alligator slyly blinks
one e) e, gulps down the entire menag
erie, and opens his great front Jdoor a
giiiu for more visitors.